#1990 - Bert Kreischer


12 months ago



Bert Kreischer

36 appearances

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comic, podcaster, and actor. He's the host of "The Bertcast" podcast and YouTube cooking program "Something's Burning." He's also the co-host of the "2 Bears, 1 Cave" podcast with fellow comedian Tom Segura. Watch his latest special, "Bert Kreischer: Razzle Dazzle," on Netflix. www.bertbertbert.com

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12mo ago

Q: Is there anything at all that won't make this overacting, overzealous, overweight hack giggle like a horny schoolgirl? A: Seeing as he considers himself a comic, the bar is admittedly set very, very, very low indeed. And please don't ask about his shit movie, even AI has its limits.





12mo ago






Episodes from 2023

Updated after each new episode


It's like we did it all together We all did it together without good friends Nobody really succeeds because you don't You don't appreciate it if it's just you it's not it doesn't seem fair It seems all fucked up I keep saying to people you gotta surround yourselves with the motherfuckers Like you got you if you're talking about your friends as if you're the top dog then you're with the wrong dudes Someone said to me you're always talking like you're not a great comic that your friends are so much better I go they are looking at my fucking friends are are you fucking kidding me like my friends? I surround I surround myself by people that are way better than me and then I just listen I don't listen a lot, but we all rise up together It's of the old expression that the rising tide raises all boats Really does it's just it's good for everybody It's like you want killers right like we got into this because we love comedy and now we're in it and when you're in it It's so scary and it's so weird No it's so chaotic and and people are comparing themselves to other people and it causes all this totally unnecessary conflict yeah, and If you just remember why you got it in the first place you got it in the first place because you love to watch it And then you did it and then you got selfish and you start thinking about yourself Start thinking about I want to kill and I want to be better and I want to be the number one So more other people are in their career I don't have a 30 minute half hour special people get upset with people that they really don't have any conflict with in real life But in their mind they associate that person with something negative because they feel bad when they think about them because that person's more successful Than them it makes them feel bad, so they think that person's bad It's like a weird Selfish way of thinking about stuff and every comic used to have that back in the day dice was talking about How every comic would fuck every comic over and they would like do something that would fuck up your set and he was talking about What he did on on Dangerfield's young comedian special knit Someone else on the show wanted to wear a leather jacket the day of a biker jacket like the same jacket that dice wear Yeah, and Rodney stopped it He put the kibosh on it, but the comics would always do that kind of shit to each other. It was like that when I started It's not like that. It's way less like that now like I feel like The amount of the amount of love I've gotten from comics This these last couple weeks promoting the movie the love I've gotten from them It's like made me feel good like I get really nice text from people even I was telling you and I'm a name-drop right away Chappelle was the fucking sweetest guy in the world. He's the nicest guy of all time. He was the sweetest guy I really wanted to meet that guy. I'll Joe I wanted to meet him for so long because he's my favorite He's more like out of all the comments when I moved to New York that I could watch like it was Chappelle The way he did it was like watching jazz, right? Yeah, and then and then a tell was like almost like watching the fucking fish or like the dead and you're like it's not jazz I don't know what the fuck that is, but it's totally different. I don't understand it Yeah, Hedberg was like that. Those are the guys that Geraldo those were those Spedrees right, but Chappelle was like the great white. I call it. I told him that I said you're like a great white shark Yeah, you don't see Like you walk into a room and like oh fuck fuck and he goes he was like He's like man. He was very nice He goes you've always spoken very nice about me, and I was like yeah That's how it works like when you're a cool person people talk good about you. Yeah It should be how it works, but you know you see people even talking shit about him Seen I've seen people talk shit about him that are comics. It's like god damn it Are you know what it is? It's you said it earlier. It's transactional. It's like they think that it's gonna help put them over Yeah, it's a weird thing that we all do because social interaction is very much like a game sometimes there's like Moves and and then there's counter moves, and there's like you're trying to like get a better position And it's it's like our little social wrestling match sometimes I've seen people do it like like like when you're a room full of famous people There's a couple types of people there's people that work the room And then there's people like me who leave the room because I go I go this is overwhelming It's too weird. I'm gonna get too drunk. I'm gonna say something fucked up It's too weird I know it's like goddamn It's weird to be one. It's weird to be around them You know yeah, it's like we've all known each other for so long Though like we know each other where it's like You know you meet someone, and they're already famous It's like how much did they even let you in you know like it seems like a weird life It's funny. I remember when all the fucking Ever-mectic any shit was going on with you mm-hmm And Georgia was like sitting at the table, and she's on her phone, and she goes oh my god Do you know this guy and I went yeah? She goes really I said you do too dummy She goes who is he I go the guy with the chickens you go. Oh wait. I like that guy I went yeah, you're looking at your phone like you feel like and I think that's what happens is like you look at like Celebrity or someone and you brand them with the thing that you think on the outside I know I've been guilty of it I talked shit about people before just fucking around just fucking around because you just don't think they'll never hear it right But you know you I'll give you a perfect one I Used to say that I think I could beat up Style Bender if we were drinking we had to drink the same amount of beers and then getting the cage We each had to drink 12 beers and get the cage and and I was a joke. I was a fucking around with Tommy I never thought I never thought I'd meet style Bender. I never That motherfucker rolls up to my show in New Zealand and and first of all he's way bigger than you think And his hands are huge and they're soft The first thing he does Joe is he grabs my arm to like that me up and he throws a knee And he grabs me by the back of the neck goes you still think you could fuck me up And I'm like I'm so sorry. Oh, but you know what you know what? That guy is the coolest motherfucker like the coolest I mean He's one of my motherfuckers where I go He treated everyone as if he wasn't the middleweight champion of the world he treated him as if he was just some guy that was into comic books and and into into anime and he met Jared Hess the director of Napoleon Dynamite was at my show and He geeked out. He was like, oh you didn't pull in dynamite and Jared Hess is going. This is Israel I'm sorry like holy shit, and then and then Joe and Izzy I'm sorry if I tell to I talked too much sometimes I'm We end up at a bar at like three in the fucking morning and he is I'm faded I don't know if he was drinking too much at all. I don't even know if he's drinking it and But we get pretty we are pretty lit In a bar at three in the morning, New Zealand and he stands up and I stand up with him back to back shirtless Both of us and we challenge everyone in the bar to a fist. Oh you have it. Oh This is what are you challenging ever in the bar? Who wants it? Who wanted it? What are you doing you're trying to fight challenging a bar to fight and this is in another country Rice Burt we were fucking dude. This motherfucker is the coolest guy in the fucking world He goes he literally is he stands up me goes how who has that? He's one of the coolest guys Twitter oh, it's on his Twitter. Oh He goes he stands up he goes his first words out of his mouth I'll kill every motherfucker in the room for this man right here. So then you know my shirt comes off I go I thought we were doing a Steve Harvey bit ever seen Steve Harvey talk about his wife. No, oh We'll make you cry cuz I know how you much you love your wife You know, I yeah is his wife's name is Marjorie Is I thought stylepender was doing a Steve Harvey bit because Steve Harvey has this moment where? He's doing it a word show and he hears a song and he goes Oh, I'm having me a moment and he goes that's our song and then and then it's and it's a cool moment He goes she's mine. I'll kill this is it. This is it. This will make you cry man. I mean I get emotional watching this And that's me and my wife song too, oh I met her 86 87 when the song came out Then God gave her back to me in 2005 I put her name on the back man you understand me That's mine right there Yeah, I own you and you own me. I will kill everybody in here about your I Thought he was doing I thought he was doing it because he goes ask the Lord about me That's hilarious You thought stylebender was doing that cuz Leanne sends me Steve Harvey clips and she just said him and I thought he must have seen the clip It must be going viral I can't We started going I thought he was doing Steve Harvey and so And then we start going table to table Joe we go table to table challenging motherfuckers who wants it Look these look at these big dudes behind them these big Samoan guys. We're like who wants it who wants it Gone horribly wrong. I was challenging the female tables What if there was rugby player? He's the middleweight champion of the world. I'm gonna stand my fucking ground We ended up we ended up buying the whole bar shots. Oh, that's good three times. Whoa filled him up It was and then he texts me the next morning like like boom he's out he's out He didn't I don't think he drinks up as much as I do And that that dude I'll tell you I'm a ride-or-die for him He was the nicest we sat and talked we just talked about like you know something really important in life is celebrating Like celebrating victories. I love the way he does that I really do when he has a victory He goes on like a celebration tour and he and I feel like the the universe universe then fucking is set right like I Leanne has a phrase It's called earn your Mondays, right? So like I'm gonna get emotional telling this it's a cool fucking thing It's earn your Mondays It means bust your ass all fucking weekend for us comics all weekend all weekend and do so well you earn your Monday You don't have to pick up phone. You don't do a fucking thing. You can just fucking sit back in the cut and go I earned my Monday like Amy glad Amy Schumer's movie train wreck did really well, right? It's opening week and that's when the inside of the first time she was man. She earned her Monday I said we mean she goes she did press for two weeks leading up to this She's been going theater to theater trying to help sell tickets and it's done and it did well she earned her Monday and and it's a I think it's might be in Scientology like it might be a thing in Scientology But what is he earns his Monday like went after that fight the way he celebrates life for like two weeks He goes out. He's in Miami. He's in New York. He's in Vegas. He's in LA He's in London like he does a tour. Yeah, I said to my girl. That's really inspirational like Or the the way that you look at life as it needs to be he goes Yeah, you've got to celebrate you got to celebrate these moments. I think it's cool as fuck Where do you see the fucking bender? I'm going on if my movie does well this weekend You want to talk about you ramp it up any more than you're already doing it, dude. I listen. I'll tell you what I'm going to rehab I Want something to chloroform me at the premiere and I will wake up a week later. They go you movie did great Bert Your body's clean you've been hydrated. You slept Just keep you on a constant IV dude. I I need to say this real quick and right now Everyone please go to movie theaters this weekend to see my movie the machine Yeah, please go out of the house buy a ticket to a movie theater That is our biggest challenge is getting people in movie theaters So if you love me, or you've ever loved me you used to love me you think I'm annoying as fuck now Whatever the fuck it is just give me a shot Get out of the house and go see the story that started on this fucking podcast I would have never told her on stage if this man right here didn't say you have to tell it on stage This is your fucking movie you need to know him as the machine for now on call out his name It shows make him tell that story I Leaked the trailer on this movie was gonna sell a fucking show Joe you've done so much for me do it for Joe guys do it For Joe just for me prove that he's the motherfucker. Well. I just think it's a funny fucking movie. It's a good movie It's it's an action be fun It's a big action comedy that needs to be seen on the big screen And I and I and I think it's I think people will be surprised at how fun this movie is It's just fucking Fun and I'm I've been fucking up promote. I was telling you I've been fucking up promotion for it. I'm way too honest I'm not an actor like I'm just like they're like what is it what are the kissing scenes like and I'm like rough We have one kissing scene I Didn't know I didn't know there's kissing scenes in the movie cuz I don't read the action when I read the scripts I just read the dialogue So I don't read like you know hey Bert comes back kisses his wife and knocks her off her feet I just go like oh there Leanne was in Serbia and they were like hey you have a kissing scene today I was like what and I like yeah your wife, and I was like shut the fuck up I was like is that cool and the ends like yes, you're an actor I was like yeah, but I mean cheated on you and like ever like I'm gonna kiss someone 20 fucking years She was like it's just acting I was like okay All I'll say is the pants. I was wearing were loose-fitting, and I don't wear underwear We did one take I was like costume change, please I need to change my pants. I guess I'm not an actor. I'm just a regular dude They're like they're like Huh, and I don't know what the fuck you supposed to do you just kiss someone and then just like out of how the fuck does that work Kiss someone your body doesn't know that it's just acting no no no How could it yeah? I did the first kiss my wife Stephanie is cool as fuck we by the way I've talked with her and we talked about this a number of times and she goes Who's the first kiss and I'm like I don't know I'm just like you know And she's like hey, you know really go for it like really go for it I was like for real so get like try it like try to like knock me off my feet like kiss me, so I was like okay I'm not thinking about it. I'm a fucking Walk up and as soon as and then she kissed back, and I was like what the fuck is happening This is different. Holy shit, and then I'm like costume change I need tape I need tape Somebody give me ice Is that are you allowed to talk about that you're not supposed to you're supposed to say like you're supposed to say Here ask me what the kissing scene was like what was the kissing scene like you know it was good It was I would say it's just acting. It's just acting. It's what we do as actors Okay, which is true. Yeah, well it is for some people, but it's also a fucking hardcore lie It's also like Brad Pitt fucked Angelina Jolie this gives you make out with her a couple times You're like that was fucking nice. I wonder what it's like, then you're laying in bed going hmm hmm and Jennifer Aniston's texting You're like pass pass like fucking Leanne. We did the kissing scene all day all day I kissed this woman for like 30 minutes 35 minutes kissed her like got comfortable kissing her And then we got in bed in Serbia and lands like hey Like beat it sizzler lips like I'm fucking I'll come back to you when I need to My wife's got good sense of humor. I hope so yeah I the whole fucking I mean the whole movie in general was like I was not coming I ripped my fucking arm. I blew my arm out, but what is it like to have a story get turned into a movie? That's got to be weird. It's fuck Like a story that like you kind of have to tell now Like if you do a show if you do a show and you don't tell the machine story people will get angry Oh, they did it last time. I was here Yeah, we were up here, and they started chanting the machines, and I was like guys. I'm at the comedy mothership I'm just in an hour 15 and that was the best that was one of the cool That's the coolest thing about that goddamn club is I see fucking Ron up in the top and I go I'll tell I'll tell the machine if Ron comes down and tells tater salad and The place is like Ron whites here, and then and Ron's like fuck it. I'm coming down Ron white comes on stage tells tater salad. I go to tell the machine and realize I can't follow tater salad the best story ever told so It's a real having your movie your life turned into a movie It's surreal like it is like it was emotional at times And then it's and then it's weird because you feel I feel very vulnerable You know like because some of the questions people ask they're like They're not they don't they like they take but they put teeth in it. They're like so you rob people and you're like See you prove of the Mafia does you're like into the Mafia, and I'm like hey man Can we not make it so really you're keeping your eyes open while we kiss? Let's fucking just make it regular a good morning America So they got upset with the premise They were just like they like they they read half of it, and then they're like see You're in the Mafia, and you're like no a little more complex No, but you like got welcomed into the Mafia, and you're like Yeah, like that kind of says it's better when you hear the whole story I think I tell it a little different and they're like and you robbed your friends Are they cool with you now, and I'm like yeah, yeah, some of them are coming to the premiere like fucking Jesus Christ Let's let's can we move to the next object? I? Don't believe in vaccines Oh my god Yeah, it's been it's been interesting. It's been fun. I'll tell you what's been really fun is finding out just how Why this story has reached like I didn't expect certain people to be like fans of mine like and I know that sounds like bad, but like You're always like when you look at your audience is they my audience kind of looks like the same one thing Guys that have chicks that are hotter than they deserve they all have beards. They're all a little overweight like that's my fan base Like I literally go hey man I can tell you the sponsors I can get from my tour Lipitor would be a good sponsor some blood pressure medicine some beard trimmers Not libertarian. Oh, we're talking about statins, but But like I know like I know my fan base and then you get like dudes who are like I Fucking love you and like like big boy from big boys neighborhood. I was like you know who I am He's like yeah, why wouldn't I I was like I don't know I just didn't think you know like Nori from drink champs He's like dude on the big goes I told my wife We you get we got my favorite comedian coming on and she's like you mean the big fat white guy with the takes his shirt off And you're like wait When you're younger you try so hard to appeal to all demographics almost like you want it's like fake and then once you're yourself You're truly yourself. That's when you appeal. That's when you're the most appealing that makes sense. It does make sense Yeah, because it's hard to do it's hard to do publicly Yeah, it's hard to be you know yourself publicly Especially when you're promoting a movie about yourself to be yourself publicly you start understanding like Joaquin Phoenix Oh my god for sure you start going like yeah, I don't want to like like Secret time I Well this will air this all it'll be fine the premieres tomorrow. I'm flying back tonight for the premiere the premiere list is fucking thick It's fucking thick It's kind of fucking it's like it's it's my algorithm. It's Snoop Dogg porn stars and fucking radio DJs This is a couple pro surfers like it's my algorithm my watch dealer the um but Like Mark Hamill was like are you gonna stay for the and watch the movie and I was like are we not supposed to He's like I'm not gonna watch myself on screen, and I was like why and he's like oh are you being serious? He's like you want to just you don't sit in front of 750 people and watch yourself I Was like I was like hey mark secret time. I'm gonna cry watching myself Cry, and I'm gonna mouth my my lines I did that when we did the first testing of the movie they sat me in the front row I had two bottles of wine. I sat with Leanne I had a notebook I was supposed to write things in for notes the movie starts, and I start bawling crying I start bawling crying, and I start mouthing my lines. I'm laughing hysterically. I'm like I love I loved watching me more than a narcissist would ever like it was like the craziest thing so we go to the next screening and Kale our producer pulls me aside. He goes. I'm gonna ask you to sit in the back I said what he goes it kind of affect the way people watch the movie So what do you mean he goes? I don't know if they're fucking crying like it's Cape Fear, but gay He goes fucking sit in the back, and so I'd like somebody sat in the back But I get emotional watching the movie because I feel like I feel like I'm watching a highlight reel like I remember doing all these Things and then they're all cut cool, and so I was like I don't know I guess um I don't know I think I watch the movie. I guess I would The marks not gonna watch it secret time Well, that's not very secret, and I get both perspectives like you made it why it seems weird that he would like He's trying to like enforce that on you no no he was just like he was like you're cool with that like I've heard Like like like there are people like do you listen to your own podcast no, okay? I can throw on it I might if it's like If like it's a Huberman podcast or one of those ones where I'm gonna try to implement whatever they're talking about Yeah, so maybe with those I would listen to it again. Just to try to remember yeah, I'm right shit down You know because he gives you so many different Like beneficial things it's like you have to kind of go back and Write him down and try to keep track of him like there's certain people who can listen To their own pot like I can throw on an old tube errors from during the pandemic and I will it Can it'll like it's like a warm blanket. I go. I remember that day I remember that like I it's fun, so I'm gonna I'm gonna sit and watch myself in the movie theater I want to hear I want to see 750 people why not yeah, right? Movie dude, it's just weird that people would think that that's weird It's like of course you want to see your movie Yeah What you want to see people see your movie too they said to me when you get into the red carpet? And I said well the movie starts at 7 the red carpet opens at 3 so maybe like 2 30 and they're like wait What do you mean? I go? What's my it's a premiere of my movie I want to be on the red carpet as long as I can and they're like no you need to show up at like Six o'clock, and then you're the last one on and I wait wait I'm gonna miss all the people like I thought I'd be like hey welcome to the red carpet You know like oh shit give them hug and see people and like no you're you're you're in a movie now You need to be like and I was like oh, that's not how I'm gonna do it, so I changed the red carpet I Changed it really yeah, I fucking just changed it. I was like that. That's how we're doing it We're doing it like waste management. It's a fucking party people are drinking beers fans have access Let's fucking throwback, and I'm gonna be here the whole time. I'm a fucking host it I don't give a shit like I'm a fucking party if if Snoop Dogg comes walking down the red carpet You don't think I'm gonna run over take a picture with him Come on. You know me Joe. I am NOT I am NOT I'm not I'm not like a play it cool guy. I'm not a play cool guy I don't know how to play it cool. I do it the way I do it I like it you only get one run at this fucking life Yeah, also like fuck playing it cool. Do you just be whoever you are? Do you know what it was I was I've been trying to work. This is a bit a little bit, but I can't I Had a weird morning No, no shade on anybody Had a weird morning where I worked out with Arnold Schwarzenegger And I ran into Edward Norton at breakfast within an hour like in Santa Monica was really crazy Now I watched two arguably movie stars movie stars, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Edward Norton Interact in public Edward Norton's cool as fuck He's dude Fight Club one of my favorite movies ever the one where he plays the two the guy with the two accents That's fucking he's an awesome, dude But when I recognized him and I gave him energy like when I recognized him you just see him just be like uh-huh Yeah, okay cool like just kind of like yeah Arnold Schwarzenegger when he gets recognized he gives you he matches your energy He gives you the thing you want the moment you want when he comes up on TV and people go I met Arnold Schwarzenegger They go how was he not one person? Maybe I'm sure there's people to say bad things but like everyone I met when I watched him interact with people Fucking loved him. He was the coolest dude. He was you know, he was Joe. He was like a movie star He was like a like he brought the like 1980s. Hey, it's good to see you. Hey Bart. Come here Let me tell you I'm better accents, but he's like can I just tell you I think With some sensitive people. I think you're happy fun guy energy Sometimes throws people off I tagged him. He's a really nice guy. I had him on the podcast. It was really really just for real. Yeah Yeah, dude, he's a he's the he is he's my Hulk. He's the best Hulk. He's best Hulk the best He's the best Hulk. Yeah, he's the best dude that movie where he does the dude with two accents You know, but that Mark Ruffalo Hulk is pretty fucking good too. Pretty fucking good. I will my yeah It's a fucking toss-up dude. It's a toss-up When Leanne dumped me when Leanne's on me I watched Fight Club on repeat over and over and over and over again when they play the pixies at the end of the fucking Movie, where is my mind and he said don't do nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, and the bow of buildings are cramp crumbling Yeah, Ed nor is my motherfucker. He's a dude. I love that guy, but you're right My energy might have fucking freaked him out. I freaked out Tom Cruise real bad. Probably freak people out, man Probably freak people out. You got a lot going on. There's a lot happening It's all positive but it's like for some people. It's like there's too much sensory input here Yeah, I gotta get out of here. I Leanne says I cast a large wake. That's a good way of putting it That's a healthy way of putting it Yeah, it was I had it was really tough doing the movie cuz everyone was fucking Eastern European And my sense of my sense of humor is not Eastern European Did they understand no no no they thought they the words I guess when you look I'm not an expert put the words in like in the Slavic language or whatever They speak in Serbia to explain me the words they use are like unpredictable I explosive like I think those are the words that you would use that personality and they're also like like like there was a scene in the movie with my my my co-star that is in order to do it she had to be put into like a cast and like she couldn't move and She wasn't comfortable doing it with me because the words to describe me or he's unpredictable. You don't know what he's gonna do I think in a man English I just think our this is a horrible thing to say, but I think our language is more slangy So we get things a little easier. I know when I was in Russia They didn't have a lot of slangs like that wasn't their thing cuz you know in a communist government You want to make sure your words mean what you say, right? so they don't like that's why that's funny when I said I was the machine because it's They don't it's very that's it's like the craziest thing you'd say to someone your car and then you're like, yeah And then he's a car. He's a machine. He's the machine Like it was just funny that I would say that cuz they don't slangs aren't their thing So she didn't want to do the scene with me. Oh, isn't yeah, isn't that it doesn't that mean car? Yeah in Russian Yeah, yeah, I'm a sheena la machina Right and and I said just walked in the door. I said I'm a car that's isn't that it's in that's in John Wick, too Yeah, I think it might be calls the dude up says you have la machina You have my my car Remember that's the scene where he's got the fucking 69 Mustang dude, let me tell you something Keanu Reeves That's the motherfucker when you after you do an action scene and then you watch John Wick you're like, uh That's learning the ballet like that guy those things he does in that movie They're they are I would argue I wouldn't be cool I like I someone like you who's into martial arts and knows how to use his body I'd be interested to see you That would be a cool thing to see you do one of the John Wick sequences Like would that interest you at all? There's like badass sequences that he does like movies No, no, no, no, no, just like just for like to fun Like, you know, we go out and we shoot with Taryn, uh-huh And like we learn the John Wick guns and stuff, right if they had a class where you could just go Hey, man for like this week We're gonna teach you a John Wick sequence just to just see if you can learn it because it's really Complex a very simple fight scene I punched like three dudes on a movie cuz I don't I just am not I get overexcited and I just would punch them And but they were like cage fighters. So they're like, oh, give a fuck just hit me I'd rather you hit me than it not look good. Right? But that would John what John Wick does I couldn't do that? It's like somersaults and Sliding your leg underneath people's legs to leverage them. That's no in the especially in the first movie In John Wick one that scene where he goes through the disco the Red Circle Club. Mm-hmm That fucking that scene is insane. Yeah, I mean it but here's what's weird about it Look I love that movie. Yeah, but why it's the sexy Assassin that you root for The whole things like have we forgiven his past where he worked for the Russian mob and killed how many fucking people that didn't deserve To be killed. He was the guy you sent in to kill build people. It's the weirdest sort of hero That's ever existed. So because it's so satisfying Because they killed his puppy It's one of the fucking greatest scenes you stole my car in a movie that sets sets up what the movie is about When the Russian guy is talking to his son and he punches his son and he said what I stole a fucking car And he punches his son in the stomach and then he pops open the liquor and he goes my son It's not what you did. It's who you did it to yeah, and he goes who that fucking nobody He just goes that fucking nobody is John Wick John it's one of the greatest fucking scenes How how the movie is gonna set up Nice jacket Like in this scene you're going what the fuck is going on? Yeah, so I go yeah They go English, please Oh I It's not what you did the Sun it angers me so it's who you did it to who the fucking nobody That fucking nobody It's John Wick Dude, what a cool fucking scene. What a fucking cool. See look at this. Oh fuck My movie is not this good. It's not this good the sexy assassin You just look at his body you just got woken the sexy assassin My movie might be the exact opposite Okay, this he gets even better get the whole thing is something when they explained who John Wick is C Yes, he does the Game of Thrones character, oh my god I don't I may have a hard time ever seeing him as anything else than the guy that ate his dick on Game of Thrones Spoiler alert Were you Game of Thrones guy loved it dude, were you House of Dragons guy? I love both. Oh me too. Yeah, they're great I love that. They're both great. Yeah. Oh, they're so fun. They're both really good. I mean you just you can't fault it Super solid. I think it takes a long time to make one of those though You know those that is gonna be like Game of Thrones It must be like one of the most complex shows to ever Choreograph and film the CGI and see it's a movie you're making a movie every week. Yeah The man the woman that plays Cersei and that is so beautiful. Yeah, she's just like I I Mean one is just just a stunning. I've gone. I've gone to her like like Google her name I forget her name, but you have googled her and just looked at pictures of her She's got a little space between her teeth. My man quit with the fucking fix and what you think is your fall Flaws are so fucking sexy Flaws are so I liam fix one of her flaws and I fucking hate it She had a little hole like a dilated poor hole right here on her cheek and I loved it I fucking loved it. It made her look unique. I loved it and a little crooked tooth. Oh Whoa stop talking about my wife Holy shit, she's a bird Lena Headley. Let's keep it together Bert Yes, beautiful lady. She was in hell. She was in fucking 300 Mmm, that's right. She is 300 was this shit Yeah, I'm not one of those Like I'm not I couldn't do like I couldn't do other people's movies. I could just I just want to be a movie star I want to do fat astronauts if this movie does what you guys if the machine does well this weekend We're getting a green light on fat astronauts Monday Well, I think it's gonna do awesome. I hope it does. I hope it does. Hope you looks fun Everybody's gonna love it. It's gonna be a good time go out to the movie theaters Everybody go to the machine dot movie get your tickets and go enjoy the movies this weekend How many movie theaters got hit real hard because the pandemic? Must be most of them, right? Yeah, what really sucks are the mom-and-pop ones like so there's the mom-and-pop ones usually in like Asian communities that do Asian films, you know like for you know, like another's morning in Korea I just read an article about that It's fighting to stay around because it does it's it's in little Korea or Korea town and it just does and it's a mom-and-pop like their concession stand looks like you're at it you're at a Concession stand like in a ballpark like it like a little league ballpark And those I think those are the ones that took the big hits because they do have high rents because they're big spaces But they don't have a company behind them to support them Right that makes sense Kevin Smith just bought the movie theater that he used to go to as a kid. Oh, really? What's that? Ah Fuck I don't listen. Well It was in Jersey, right? Yes in Jersey. It would used to be a two screen now. It's a five screen I'm say we're gonna do a screening of the machine out there. I think this coming month Kevin Smith was the one of the first guys to figure out to do he like had a theater to do his podcast in we just did a two bears me and Kevin like he was a guest bear and He He walked me through it and it's funny to hear him talk about podcasting and what he was doing because then I It's almost like imagine if our two timelines were like this But he was doing it like ten years before that like doing theaters doing his podcast Doing that and then all the sudden he's like and then and then corolla got his podcast I'm like wait, wait, hold on you were doing theaters and stuff and he was talking about the money They were getting at those times was like he was doing it for free at colleges and didn't know you could get paid to do it No kid, yeah, Kevin Smith man He said he goes what because you know, he's like complimenting me that I was doing well He goes what's the secret and I go the secret is watch what Kevin Smith did ten years ago and start doing it today He's a badass dude. It's a very cool guy. He changed him in that group changed cinema Forever. I mean they created that whole Independent filmmaking in in like 95 97 or something They certainly were a big part of it. You don't independent filmmaking has always been really interesting because every now and then There's a great fucking movie that you just don't hear about Yeah, because someone made it on a shoestring budget and they pieced it together with their uncle's money and Did you ever see the movie run Lola run? No, Joe Joe Joe what's it about Bert? It's about a fucking chick Who just runs just all day? she's got to get from point A to point B to like save her boyfriend or something and She gets a phone call. Is this hang on this all this is so wait Play from the beginning so we can see what the thing is Okay Every Second of every day you make a choice Can change your life Okay And she has to get from point A to point B and she runs the whole way there But stuff happened in between and it's oh, yeah, her husband's robbing someone I guess It's a fucking it's a foreign film that you literally are like on the edge of your seats It's a fucking one of those movies where you're like small budget. Mm-hmm. Just fucking good. They exist Just probably hard to publicize them probably hard to fuck But you know then there's also small budget movies that are terrible that are awesome, too like Franco like really really bad movies are fucking amazing because if they're not trying to be funny, but they are funny Yeah, like something did this like was the one the the room the room Yeah, I mean how crazy bad does a movie have to be where people make a movie about your movie about how bad it was Yeah But that can happen. Those are great, too. I Love me a bad movie. I Really do. I live there. Some of them are just so enjoyable. Oh, yeah, like a like a like I love the What was the movie I used to love growing up that I was like, it's just oh like clueless how about Roadhouse? Oh, dude Roadhouse is one of the best bad movies of all time He grips his throat out of his neck by the river. It's the fucking it's a goofy blade right boot Everything is awesome about it. Everything pain don't hurt Everything is awesome. He walks around with his own record transcripts of his of his of his injuries She's fucking hot she's hot it's fucked that's a doctor falls in love with the sexy bouncer Amazingly stupid movie Patrick Swayze is so beautiful. He's so beautiful. They're remaking it with Conor McGregor. You know that yes. Yes and Jake O'Haul I Every group had one fat guy that was like their tough guy. Yeah, I mean they're all stabbing each other and shit. Oh cut them Oh It does everything look kind of corny and fake like compare that to like an action scene in a really good movie. Oh Yeah, especially now. I think people don't tolerate this kind of like Obviously choreographed fake violence. I'm up as just a little too corny Yeah, but back then it didn't seem corny. It was amazing what this good Why then like back there's so many movies that when we were kids were like, this is a great movie Watch daddy like Jesus Because the culture has evolved it's moved into like a new direction Oh, it's done that with comedy to like you like the comedies that we like Yeah, you watch him now and they're like Horrifically racist so many of them are trans. Look fucking we were talking about Ace Ventura, it's crazy transphobic They see the dick in the back of the pants and they all throw up It's Sean Young who's gorgeous beautiful This scene is so crazy, yeah, this is great this the city's like he just rips our shirt apart. Imagine that scene today to get rid of big old mr. Knessh So she's in her bra panties in a bra he's ripping her clothes off in front of everybody In a comedy and she's just standing there for some strange reason She's days like a cartoon character like frozen in a video game, right? Yeah I have ever seen The tuck mr. Winky Everyone's throwing up This is a crazy scene, oh That's how much culture has changed that culture that's Yes, that's in our lifetimes. This is 94. Yeah 94 man 94 I mean We were watching the with the girls one time 16 candles. Do you remember that movie Molly Ringwald? Yes in it They have the donger long duck dong Remember the Asian guy. Yes and all all sexy go for it I mean they he got in trouble I think I think woke culture actually came after him for doing I think what they call yellow face of like Acting up the the Asian guy Yeah, and then they go to the party Jake's girlfriend This is my girls are watching this Jake's girlfriend passes out to drunk and he gives her to the nerds You guys take her for the night. I've followed her. Here's my dad's car Anthony Michael fucks her he fucks her that night. She's drunk. She doesn't remember it and they don't remember it They fucked that is that's that's one of the plot lines. The section is Jake's a senior in high school. She's 16 like There's it's so problematic that my daughters couldn't enjoy it and I go just fucking let go of it Like just watch the fucking thing. Well, they're like dad the girls drunk. Someone should help her. They got her hair And you're like Yeah, it's weird what people used to think was acceptable before it was depicted in the media I've been to the nerds the dude rapes her he puts on her boyfriend's closing and rapes her rapes her I don't remember that At the end she's like in a bounce house at the lights off. She's in a bounce house He grabs they do there at the talent fair. He grabs the mask his boy her boyfriend's mask The girl he's attracted to puts it on and he put he was he pretends to be Darth Vader He pretends very her he follows her into the into the crazy with all the mirrors. They land on a bounce house She's like take the mask off. He's like no, I'm gonna leave it on and then he fucks her She doesn't know it's him. She fucked he fucks her and then They get done and he takes the mask off. She goes that was you and he's like, yeah She's like it was so good So that that know that's just if we're talking if we're gonna play by the rules, let's play by the rules Okay, that's that groomed every child To to see that that if you can sneaky fuck a chick, but you did it good if you could rape her But you did it good then you did it look You don't remember this no, no, no leave it leave it on Wow That's that's fucked up what year was that it's gotta be 84 That Was like I mean don't even start with porkies. Yeah, say the same time period. Yeah That was like and that was greenlit by executives. That's a good scene 84 is correct. Good fucking scene 1984 that's how much the world's changed That's crazy insane and you're and you're just talking about fight scenes But that's we're talking social commentary that's out there Yeah, it's just it's we're just talking about like the way things are depicted in life Mm-hmm. Like you could never do that in a comedy now. Imagine if somebody tried to recreate that we we At one point making the movie I said to the I say I said it to no one's or no one ever gets in trouble Cuz I know I don't I know that what I do is not what the studio is like, right when I talk I just talked to honestly, I don't know the fucking thing you're supposed to say. I said we fucked up to someone I said we fucked up we should had nudity in this movie Like we definitely should have had nudity like that was a fucking because all the great old-school comedies have one gratuitous nude scene You know back to school Rodney dangerous field opens the fucking curtain and the girl with the most beautiful body shower and he goes hey, excuse me and then close them He goes ah and opens it again. It's a great fucking scene in the movie, right? Right? I go we miss we fucked up And they're like I go Can we have so many chicks to like get naked and then like that's definitely not I was like, well, how did it work? But he made movies back in the day and they're like will deck then it's different We're not gonna just walk around and go hey Does anyone want to take their top off for this scene and you're like, oh, yeah I guess you can't like you just and it's a weird thing. It's like It's just weird how much culture has shifted so quickly Yeah, like relatively quickly because I don't think that before mass media social media It was mass media first and then social media Till people the more and more communication about the way people act and behave You used to just have films that depicted all sorts of shit like that and people just accepted it So like was that a part of normal society back then like at what point like we got to think about how Few generations were removed. We are from barbarians Like really like really horrific people But we got 3,000 years 4,000 years like well, how far back you have to go to where life is just hell Not that many thousands of years. I got a house. I think 1700s. Yeah I mean you think I mean if we're talking about loss of freedom and free will look at World War one The World War one was a barbaric fucking trench war. Yeah that was that was a tran was that the trench war Yeah It was trench warfare and that was like that was like kids and then World War two was a generation of kids that felt like They didn't go to war so they got bummed out They're like I wanted to go to war like my dad not knowing what war was and now we're at a place where you're like Okay, only the savages go like us soft boys. I could not I'm not a jocko I'm not a bring right if I agree with that. What do you mean about World War two? What were two? No, no It's I'm so accurate the German generation the German generation feel like it feels like that was what brought about World War two Was a whole generation of kids feeling like we need a war. We didn't get a war It's I've yeah, yeah, if you watch the beginning of all quiet Western front off Yeah, new movie I did watch it not with the subtitles That's the beginning of I mean, that's the World War one But all those kids are just mad that they're not gonna maybe go the world war is ending and they're like fuck We're not gonna get the fight. We're not gonna get the fight. I like what jarhead is like even in the Marines Yeah, he's so mad. He's gonna shoot his gun God how crazy are people we World War two is getting upset that you you you don't get a chance to go to war About okay. Yeah, but no we can say that I know but that's but then that's ingrained in our head how crazy is that my My grandfather was the exact opposite. Can you imagine if we'd stayed here? Can you imagine if we didn't go and that was my grandfather? That's just that's just right there and then came back the worst shell shock you could ever fucking imagine Storm the beaches of Normandy The question is and I never I never found this out what day So I think this I think the the real bad one was that first day when they go and then I think they made some Advancements and I don't know much about history. I listen history podcast. I don't really pay attention But I just put me to sleep Well, that's a good one to think about because Jesus fucking Christ is out of crazy story in human history Do idea people just running at people with guns people with guns running at people with guns like The idea is it's so insane just loss of free will that someone would go go and you couldn't be like no My name's Bert and I don't I haven't fallen in love yet, right and I want to live my life, right? Right, I'm gonna stay here. I don't want to go in there. So people are dying and I see people dying Right and why are we here? Well, I don't know why I'm he if I'm 18 years old Do you think I truly grasp why I'm here? Yeah, do you think I truly understand what? Manipulation has been put into place that allowed Giant groups of men with guns to run and other giant groups of men with guns like what is the real problem? They talked about so in World War two there was one Christmas where the German soldiers started singing American Christmas carols on Christmas and Silent night I think and then the Americans started singing with them and then they had this in Obviously remember I'm Bert. I'm not a fucking historian So don't light me up on this but like this is how I heard it and in that moment They had a ceasefire the soldiers had a ceasefire and it sent the fucking kernels through the roof because they're like whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're losing fucking control and they said any person Seen not fighting or seen Extending like they had to get letters to from one side to another side for from the from the fucking People that were kept in camps, right? Okay. Thank you. Thank you. I'm so sorry. I talk out of my ass I don't know what I'm saying, but it is true the truce of 1914. It was World War one Wow, and Then they said alright, here's the deal anyone seen trying to fucking have a truce you get killed We kill you because we need you to kill them What a crazy thing to do and then go back to killing each other Didn't they have truces to to play soccer games? Didn't they do that as well? I think that was a Sylvester Stallone movie No, I think that really happened. I think there was like there was See see what the fuck that is I typed in World War one soccer truce and shows up as the Christmas truce. Maybe they had oh, so maybe during that Okay, that's what yeah, they did a soccer game during that. Okay, that makes sense Imagine you just go right back to killing each other Those wars befuddled me like the the idea that that America would and I understand but America would just get involved You know, I like well They're all it's all weird man because you don't know the full story unless you suit you got to delve into it read all accounts What by all parties pro and con you got to really sort through it to figure out what's propaganda and what's real? I got really into I got really into World War two for a period of time both the Pacific and the European I guess they're called theaters or whatever. I was I'm obsessed with Winston Churchill. He's just a fascinating man fucking fascinating man Go pee. Let's let's uh, let's pause this for a brief. Yeah, of course Yes, all right, that was World War two. No Fucking no, my favorite ceasefire is more in World War one. They had a ceasefire with Was it the Russians and who was it? It was the I think it was the Russians than Germans They had a ceasefire and it was because of wolves so many people. Oh, I've heard you talk about this. Yeah who? What were the two groups? I always fuck this up. I know one group was the Russians Russians and Germans right so they had a ceasefire because so many of their soldiers are getting killed by wolves That's uh, and that's so funny. I tried to joke last night about What's wrong with Germans is they don't have any predators? They did back then they did at least when they tried going into Russia But could you imagine you have an enemy that's invading you and you agree? We need to bond together and kill this other enemy that is not human I think that's a plot and then we go back to killing each other. It's a plot a predator Kind I mean, this is such a crazy story Parties of Russians and German scouts met recently and we're hotly engaged in a skirmish when a large pack of wolves dashed on the Scene and attacked wounded Have you ever seen the video of the cop going to give a parking ticket and the fucking 50 wolves run down the street? I don't think that's real. Oh Real. Yeah, I don't think that's real. Do you know I'm talking about Jamie Russian cop Yeah, you're a party type to get men he gets in their car and the wolves run by them Jamie will find out It's real. I think someone told me that was CGI. Ah I don't want to change all of our stuff, but I don't know if it is CGI though I really want to find out UFO thing from last week. Did you see that? Oh the Jeremy Corbell thing? I didn't see Jeremy Corbell post it but I saw a post of like five videos. I'll show in this fucking object in the sky Yeah, this is over a military base. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, apparently like 50 people film this thing So this is this is the yeah, this is the Russian one. So watch The cops over here he's talking and these wolves are running by I don't know if that's real man looks pretty real It looks very real. The only way so what shadows shadows are perfect. Yeah, maybe yeah If they do a time-lapse, oh, yeah, there's just two videos they put over each other like those wolves did run down that street Oh, I know those cars were right. Oh, wait. Wait, I see what you're saying So the way you go back to him getting in the car. Are there no the wolves are there. Oh, he's reacting to them. Yeah But that could be an actor They're not reacting to the cars is that what I'm saying, right? But the wolves are just running right if they're not used to beat around cars But the cars are reacting to them that car pulls over to the to the left to avoid the wall. Yeah, I think that's real man Watch how the car reacts. Here's the other thing I'm looking at This is the last that'll be hard to fake is the headlights from this car Should be giving an extra shadow on these wolves coming this way and it looks like it's only from the street light See there's no shadow coming this way interesting Which means that those cars weren't there when the wolves were there Maybe sort of where the beams hit right? It would be an interesting I mean it would be an interesting person that spent their time doing that. Yes forensic person like who's I did I went to read it and did a reddit AMA. Yeah, I've never been on reddit. I've never been on reddit reddit fucking read It's like a fucking rattlesnake to me. I don't hate it, but I don't get near it. I respect it I just don't fucking get bit so I hear like like Mark Norman Lives on like he'll he'll tell you stuff going on with you that you didn't know he did it last night He's heard you hear the thing that I'm like hey, man I you can't talk to me about that stuff I don't I don't watch that stuff, but I went into reddit and I thought it was gonna be all like Q anon people Right, it's regular human beings Just regular human beings Beautiful women hey They're gonna suck you in they're gonna suck you and you're gonna be there every day and then they're gonna go after you Are those things? What worries? I'll be addicted immediately. Oh, okay. I'll be addicted immediately Unless it'll help me quit drinking and then I'll fucking do it in a heartbeat You know There's a lot of evidence that nicotine is actually good for you That's what Andrew Huberman said smoking is the best thing you do for your life. No, and we were miss that here Get the isolate this no kidding. No, no, no Fucking blue it isn't that that looks like the thing I saw in the video. So just so we're clear Well, you're talking about the thing that one was in the the plane video Jamie No, which video there's like this is one of them I think Well, let me tell you something that thing. Oh that thing. Yeah, this was in like a post I saw today showed this in five different videos. They said it was last week in Roswell It's just sitting there. It doesn't move. Mm-hmm Yeah, that totally could be a balloon But do they just keep going higher and higher don't they just keep going higher and higher why would it be Well, maybe they don't have enough helium to the only reason a certain threshold Yeah, like when you're a mylar one here at the end of a mylar balloon. It just hangs out like it's a person in your room This video that Mick Poston said this is supposed to be to monitor pollution To make a giant silver thing. It looks like a UFO to monitor pollution How about make it look like a pollution monitoring device? Have you ever have you ever seen? I'm sure you have but have you ever seen Elon's rockets reenter the atmosphere? I Guess I have so I I had never this is one. This is a while ago this is back like I was when we were in our old house and I remember I was talking to Tom on the phone and I was outside and she's like dad dad dad and I go out and it is So different than anything you've ever seen that I go Tommy Tommy. Look at the fucking sky. Look at the fucking sky He's like what I go go outside. He goes outside and he's like what the fuck is going on I mean, we thought we were getting invaded by aliens for a second to grow men thought we were getting invaded by aliens It looks so fucking bizarre Like it does like a mushroom cloud and then a streak have you ever seen it? No Oh Type in Elon's Rockets reentering the atmosphere Well, I've seen it on video, but I haven't seen it in real life in real life I saw it in real life It was in the sky over LA like must be coming to Long Beach or something and it it looked So it's this what it looks like this crazy fucking Atmospheric change and it looks like you're getting invaded by aliens. I did see one time in LA. I was driving at Joe That's what we saw. I got Tommy go outside. He goes outside. He's like what the fuck is going on I'm like I was like, are we getting invaded by aliens? It looks fucking crazy. Which what year was this? 17 or 18. Yeah Three times. Yeah, it happened one time. I feel like I saw but it was before that There was a I was in I was in Hollywood and I saw this thing streaking across the sky I was like, what the fuck is that night? Yeah, but this was like I think it was pre social media days Oh, no, this was Instagram days Instagram stories because as I was talking to Tommy I put on Instagram stories and I recorded it It didn't record our audio which I thought would be a viral fucking clip because both Tom and I thought we're getting invaded by aliens and I'm watching it but it is Joe it is like It's pretty freaky. It's freakin shit. Imagine if you did see something like that and it was aliens Do you know how wild that day would be? You know the wild the day of like three football sought football field-sized ships Just penetrate into the Los Angeles atmosphere. I started hovering over the city Oh Just alerting us to their presence and just saying enough is enough What's the first thing fuck heads what's the first thing is going on in our cultural like money politics The world money out of politics. Take it all out. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's no money. Yeah, there's no money No money could donate you can't profit leaders leaders. No, you need leaders. That's like what how do things shake down? You need leaders what else goes away like bars stay open bars to open bars You got to give people freedom because if you keep take it away freedom eventually it's gonna come for the things that you hold dear That's just a thing that happens and everybody wants less you got to control people more and do this It's not good. We're always going to have problems There's never gonna be up like a perfect state where hundreds of millions of human beings get along in like Completely harmonious unless we all do mushrooms You are you I'm just saying your new hour is selling mushrooms pretty good Could you come out with your own mushroom? I don't think that's legal it is. I don't know what you're talking about No, I take the lion's mane Oh, yeah, I'm taking lion's mane, but that's like a regular isn't a lot of there's a lot of benefit to mushrooms Cordyceps mushrooms are fantastic Those are really good. That's a bit. That's a big part of that shroom tech Supplement that on it makes there's a lion's mane is great for you. It's great like there's a bunch of like really Neuroprotective aspects of like certain mushrooms and nutrients like there's a lot of good stuff you can take and mushrooms are in that group Including psilocybin what's is mushrooms are legal in Colorado? I think everything is legal in Portland or in in Oregon Oregon is the first state that decriminalized everything They do decriminalize like literally cocaine heroin Oregon everything and I think they did it in Vancouver, too But listen to this this one dude opened up a store. Oh, you can sell coke in Vancouver well this guy he opened up a store called the drugs store and It just tells you when it was tested like this is this is tested like April 23rd And and it's you just buy cocaine you buy cocaine someone just told me about that like what the fuck This mobile Vancouver store mobile good move, bro. Just started illegally selling cocaine heroin and meth math Bro, imagine selling math mean that's like Like you know that's bad for you, right? Like who the fuck wants people to be doing meth if you're selling meth you're profiting off of terrible decision-making, right? Agreed I've heard a couple of people have good some good math stories. Really? I have Friends stories when the stories when the night is over. I we have a friend I won't I won't say his name here none, and I'll never say it Okay And we were all we were all about to hang out and he guess can I guess yeah, okay Okay. Yeah, and if you guess it, right? Okay, I'll tell you okay. We're all hanging out We're all about to go hang out again, and he was telling me in Joey. Okay. It's not Joey Diaz He was telling me and Joey Diaz a story about this chick and he's like Okay, let's not you're gonna get someone in trouble I understand it was like I know I was trying to fuck this check and like pull that math is you and he was like I know That's right, I remember that story you know who it is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. I forgot about that Yeah, yeah that's a that's a wild decision to make if you're alone with a person you just met who wants to do math with you How how all in on this life experience are you? So he goes did you fire it he goes we didn't mess Joey we definitely But don't they say that Adderall is like very similar chemically It's very so it's very dude. It's like it's a type of amphetamine, right? So if you went bonkers with Adderall if you had some dude who could just give you all the Adderall you need like some Homie that works at the Adderall factory You a barrel of these fucking things if you just chewed them all day long like you would just be like a person doing meth Right. Well, if I'm not mistaken and I apologize if this comes out weird But I think that's what Malaney said in his special was that Adderall was one of his problems, too Yeah, I think Adderall. Yeah, Adderall is I've done both I've done Adderall I've done Ritalin and I've done coke Coke is way more fun than the other two But the way the other two I actually enjoy more like it's like if you take an Adderall You just you're got your diet. You don't want to eat you feel fuck you could you have the focus to skin a grape I mean you could fucking focus Dude making sound exciting Adderalls the shit you I remember taking I remember taking an Adderall and just sitting down and writing a script They're feeling like boom back in the day. Um, all the top pool players would take amphetamines darts Same same bro. You've darts same thing same darts is like a big fucking speed place I shouldn't say all the top pool players But in all honesty a lot of them and I shouldn't say darts because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about This was a long-ass time ago like in the 70s and shit There's there's some great books that were written about those days But these guys would play for 24 hours 48 hours They'd stay up for days just taking pills and gambling until one went wrote one one guy goes broke or one guy quits He didn't want people quitting on anybody. So the thing is like if you're up ahead So like if you and I were gambling and you're ahead of me and you're you have all of my money and you you And I want to keep gambling until I'm completely broke. You're like obliged to drain the person You're obliged to like to carry it out to the bitter end because maybe that guy might claw his way back and then 18 hours later now you're breaking even like oh my god, but he wants to keep playing So you got to go in the bathroom and take pills and you come out Fucking jacked up with huge pupils and you're just gambling for days like that. There was a lot of those guys. I wild fellows Wild human beings man. They deliver men those pills and coke they deliver. I bet they do They give you what it's not you know, what coke psych coke psych the first time you had unprotected sex and you were like, whoa fuck Go like that cooks like that. I believe you No one's disputing it either. No one No one Just know what the fuck away from it. Some people tell you I don't like drinking it makes me tired like dice Yeah, things like ah, what do you have and I said Buffalo Trace? He goes man. I have one of those I'm asleep No one's ever like that on coke That's what I hear Same with him like a man with the fucking sins everyone's that if I have money I'd invest in that fucking company It's a according to Huberman. It's a good way to get nicotine and Nicotine does have like neuroprotective benefits with the punch is a bunch of cool shit about nicotine the problem cigarettes The problem is tobacco when you smoke it and it gets in your lungs dip is the best I miss dip like dip. I loved it. Good cigar. I really do enjoy. Oh, I love cigars right now I want one right fucking down right now. Let's have one right fucking now. Hopefully I Look at that humid or Fuck yeah Yeah, we're home. Ladies and gentlemen, we're taking a very brief cigar break. Joe Rogan. Yeah. This is a good fucking cigar. Yeah, this is good. Who is this? The same guys that we're doing? Foundation. Yeah, Foundation cigars. The other shit. Mm. Mm. Mm. Yeah, this is a special one that he made just for us. It's really good. And Bobby Kelly liked it, which is like, hey, that guy likes it. Bobby actually knows cigars. He's one of those guys that, like, he could tell you, like, fat. I can't tell you shit about cigars. It's pretty simple. There's only, like, a couple wraps. Right. And there's a, and the sizes are what make it a tad bit complicated. I'm a big ring gauge fan. Yeah. I grew up in Florida, so. Like a fat boy? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, those are nice. Those, I like a big ring gauge. Kind of smoother, right? The draw. I think the draw is a little easier. But these are beautiful fucking cigars. This is a Maduro wrapper, I think, if I'm not mistaken. And it's, I like a nice heavy cigar. Yeah, it's perfect for me. I love it. It's really good. Yeah. That's cool. That's cool. Yeah, man. I like it. I can't believe you're my fucking friend. I can't believe you're my friend. No, but I'm way luckier. I, dude, you keep saying that. We're all fucking lucky, man. We're all lucky, 100%. It's all symbiotic. Yeah. You know? Yeah, you enjoy all of it more when you have friends that are also doing it. It's cool. That's a big part of what's going on. I called Joey Diaz the other day. Joey Diaz. I hadn't talked to him in a while. Joey Diaz lit the place on fire when he was in town. I bet. It was so fun to watch. It was really exciting just to have him around again. And you should see him light up when he saw the sign in the green room that says, Get it together, bitch. Yeah. I go, that's your quote, Joey. You always used to say that to us. My daughters are working on Fully Loaded again this year. And they go, is Uncle Joey coming? Because they only really know him as an uncle, for real. Right, right. And I go, no, I don't think so. And George goes, hold on. We got to see him one more time, Dad. Like, Island needs to see him live. Island needs to see him live. Because George are torred with him. George are torred with him. George knows him as uncle. And you know, Joey, he would say the wildest fucking shit. Fuck, asshole culture. You can't trust a dot dot dot with a whistle. Right. And George is blown away. And George is super woke, right? And she goes, can you get him to come to Forest Hills? We're open and Fully Loaded in New York at Forest Hills at the tennis arena. Mm-hmm. And it's a fucking thick list. She goes, can you get Uncle Joey to go? Dad, Dad, please. Island's got to watch Uncle Joey. So, okay, I called him the other night to talk about it, and then we ended up changing. You know, Joey's quick. What's up, Tarzan? Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. All right, yeah, hey, keep killing it. I'm proud of you, Cocksucker. And then he hangs up, and you're like, fuck, I forgot to ask him what I was going to ask him. But yeah, we're going to try to get Joey to come out to that. Gillis is on it. It's just always great to get Joey around people who love him, too. You know, I mean, it's just, he needs that comic energy. Yeah, he does. He does. He needs that comic energy. I mean, everybody loves him everywhere, though. That's the thing about, like, where he's set up. Like, when we saw him in New Jersey, we're like, gosh, he's never moving out of here. He's the king of New Jersey. He loves it, man. He fucked up. He fucking loves it. Towns are built for certain people, or certain people are built for towns. Yeah, well, he's got a great place for them. And Joey was never built for LA. No, no, no. He was built for Jersey. He knows the guy that makes sandwiches down the street. He can, he goes in, you know, Joey does, it's interesting, a little high, because Joey's weed's pretty fucking aggressive. It's aggressive, right? It is fucking, you know what's the most sought-after weed in all of LA? It'll convince you that something's happening to your body. Don't do that, dude. Don't tell me your thoughts. That's the kind of weed. No, I'm not saying my thoughts. No, but now I go, what's going on in my body? But it's kind of, one of those, like, what's going on in my foot? You know, like, it's weird. Is my toe numb? Why does my toe hurt like that? That feels weird. I smoked so much Joey's weed, I'm gonna come home, and I'm like, I'm gonna- It makes you uncomfortable. I had, I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting in my man cave, or my gym is, my man came down, my gym, and I'm on the computer, and I just feel a little, like, saliva in my cheek right here, like, right there, and I go, oh, that's crazy. I just noticed it, and I go, that's crazy. And then it shows back up, and I go, am I having a stroke? Oh, Jesus. And I go, oh my God, is this side of my face? And now I'm sitting high as fuck in a mirror, smiling to myself to make sure I'm not having a stroke. Joey's weed will fucking throw you sideways. Here's the thing I was gonna say. Joe- Before comedy was around, guys like Joey Diaz, Joey could walk away from comedy and find what he does on stage in society. You know, that's the way Joey operates, and I think that's why he loves Jersey. He goes in, sees this deli guy, and they chop it up for, like, 20 minutes, and then Joey did, like, a type 5, right? That personality is authentically a New York Jersey personality. Right, but what Joey can do on stage is so unique. Oh, damn it. And when he gets rolling, it's so unique that I feel like no matter what else he does, at this stage of his life, like, it's so hard to get to be that funny. Yeah. Why would you stop doing that? His new book, Tremendous, is out on Amazon. You can't stop doing that. He's too good. He's too good. He's too fun. He's too fun to be around. Dude, he would be- He was so fun what is in town, just hanging out in the green room. He's so fun. The part I miss about Joey the most is when just hanging with him. Yeah. And when he wasn't trying to be funny, and he was fucking hilarious. Yeah. One of the hardest he's ever made me laugh is we're sitting there- I made him say it again on a podcast that made me laugh so hard. We're sitting at Maria C. We're having- I was doing a cleanser. I was having green tea, and he was having coffee, and he was smoking cigarettes back then. He was smoking them on the DL. No one knew. Don't tell nobody. And I go, Joey, what was prison like? And he was very casual. He goes, dog, if you think black guy's allowed in a movie theater- That's such a Joey Diaz line. But he wasn't trying to be funny. He was just being Joey. And I was. I go, Joey, is that a bit? And he's like, no, I'm telling you, dog. Up all night. Ray, Ray, Ray, Ray. Joey's just the fucking purist. I sometimes repeat stories. Have you ever heard a story about our polar plunge Christmas Eve with his daughter Mercy? I believe so. It's the best. That's that bloodline. That's that bloodline. He's a beautiful person. I love him to death. He's one of the best guys ever. And, you know, just if I could just get him to come around every now and again, I'm good. So that's what we're going to try to do. He just wants- I just told him anytime. Just you tell me, I'll take care of everything. You have somebody pick you up. I have someone drop you off. I have someone drive you around. I'll fly you out. Take care of you. Like, come on out. Anytime you want. Just you tell me and then we'll put the machine in motion. Not the machine, but a machine. Put the machine in motion. I'll come down too. We'll send the actual machine to escort you to the mothership. I said that to him when we did Full of Al I said, whatever you need, I got you. He's the best. You do that sometimes. Like, when that's the problem with these businesses and managers and agents is like, it's like, you know, you go. They misspeak for you. And you're like, like, even like back in the day, trying to get Joey on Full of Al loaded and it just was not happening. I go, hold on. I call Joey. I go, hey, man, whatever you want, whatever the fuck you want, you know, I love you, whatever you want. And he's like, oh, for real? And I'm like, yeah, don't listen to anyone talking about my team. Just trust me. I got you. Because like, I know I get like that. Like certain things will spook me, you know, and I go, I don't want to fucking do that. And then and then managers, agents love having something little fulcrum to to leverage you against something else. And then we were talking about that last night. Just little fulcrums to like the eye. And then can I get this guy in there too? OK, then then you can also have this guy and you're like, what the fuck? How did that happen? It's like I told I told two people to their face. I told Chappelle. I'm bad with secrets. So I and I just met Dave. So I'm not going to say any secrets like I'm bad with secrets. I don't even know that I tell people secrets. Is that a part of drinking? No, it's part of me wanting to please you. Oh, now we're going deep. I'm in therapy. Now we're going deep. I have I have a lot of problems. And one of these is I want everyone to be happy. So I overshare. And I over and I guess it's good. Oh, it's fun. It's fun. It makes good comedy. Yes, it does. My wife is in the back. A little boy last night being like, yo, definitely can't talk about Isla like that. Right. I was like, for real? She's like, no. Tell a story about Isla in never mind. Yeah, I'll do it again. Don't do it. And so like it's so like but yeah, I overshare. But it's like I think I don't know. That's interesting. It's like, do you feel like you have to. Yeah, I feel like I'm not good enough. No, it's why I love Tommy so much and why I look up to him in so many ways is that Tommy knows he's good enough. Tommy knows his worth. What's the difference between you and Tommy? Why do you think that he knows his worth and you don't seem to know your worth even though there's so much evidence. There's somewhat it's so much evidence that you're loved. Yeah. So what how would that not be enough? I don't think I think about that way or is that not it? No, no, no, I think I think I think it's our we had very different dads. And I think Tom, for whatever reason, I think we're both really close with our dads. We're both we're both really he was really close with his dad. I think his dad just raised him a different way. And I think my dad raised me a different way. And I think whatever my dad did left me with a little bit of a hole and no slight to my dad, but it left me with a little hole that turned me into a performer to make want to make sure like, like, my dad would be like, if like the Iraq war started and I said, I said, this is fucking stupid. My dad goes, go to your fucking room. You're fucking it. You don't know what you're talking about. And so can stay up there until you figure out what's wrong with you. And then I'm sitting up there going like, I gotta get out of my room. I'm 16 at the time. I'm like, I gotta get out of my room. How am I fucking idiot? Why am I fucking idiot? I don't. And then I was like, okay, I was forced to sit with it. And I was like, I don't know anything about why we're going to war with Iraq. I don't know anything. I don't know anything about war. I know I've never been to war. My dad. Okay, I'm gonna go down. I talked to my dad about it. My dad's like, this is why you're an idiot. Tell me why you think I don't know anything about this war. He was your son was saying is gassing his own people because they're different religion, different ethnicity. And he goes, and so we came to protect half of that fucking country. Here's the other thing that's cool. This is the first war we're getting to watch start on TV. We're watching a war start like a fucking Super Bowl. So sit down with me and let's watch the fucking war. And I was like, wait, we're watching a war? He was like, yeah, it's on CNN. Watch this. And you remember the fucking Iraq war with like the first when we were kids, you're probably like 18. And then they just like, B2B. And you watch a fucking Tomahawk missile head in. And you're watching people walk into the fucking Capitol in night vision. And I'm like, oh, this is fucking crazy. Yeah, that was my dad. And I don't I can't speak for Tommy by no Tommy was really close with his dad. And I think his dad, for lack of better words, I hope this comes off respectful to my dad was a little bit more of a man. His dad. Oh, no, no, no, no, my dad ran track. My dad's a man. Trust me. My dad's a man. But Tom, I'm gonna go down. Tom's dad fought in Vietnam. Tom Tom's dad did a fucking couple tours. Tom's dad was a champion power lifter. Like, I think we had different dads. My dad ran track. He didn't go to the works. He had allergies. You know, like, like he wouldn't let him in the Vietnam War. And so like, man, was yeah, he didn't pass the physical. Wow. Yeah, he had allergies. Jesus. And like, they're like, we can't send you in there. And all sudden you shut down because you have hay fever. Oh, right. Like, then you're just like, in the middle of a fucking do that war is the scariest war to me because the most Yeah, because it's the most nonsensical. It was started off of a false flag. No one felt strongly about going over there. No, no one felt strongly about the cause. It seemed insane to everybody. It went on for years. I remember when it ended, because I was a kid. No, really. Yeah, I was living in San Francisco. And I remember thinking naively that the same thing happened. And I remember thinking, man, I'm gonna go to the war. This is great. Because now there's never gonna be war again. I really remember that thought. I guess I was like 10 or something like that. 10 or 11. It was just weird. It was it was a weird thing to just imagine that they forced people into go fighting some more that nobody understood. And that might have been connected to heroin. Might have been connected to heroin. Have you been to Vietnam? No, I have not. People love it over there. It was his favorite place. It'll change your cultural DNA. Like the way you see the world's never the same. I'd say the same about Japan, though. Japan is pretty fucking dope. Pretty dope. It's Japan's like, Japan's like, it shouldn't be legal. Like you should just weird shit like robot fuck shows. And, and then all of a sudden, you go to the subway and no one speaking. They're all holding hands. I passed out on a Japanese dude in the subway. I was dropped. I passed out on this poor guy. And he didn't do anything. He just let me sleep on him. I woke up. He was just like, Hi. Yeah, they have a very respectful culture in terms of like the way people walked on the street. Yeah, people give people plenty of space. They seem to navigate it much more easily. But then like you see in some cultures, they just kind of there's so many people that just kind of bump into each other. Like apparently in China, that's the thing. Oh, in Vietnam, it's I made the the analogy in in Japan. It's like no one touches each other. In Vietnam, they got their fingers in your mouth. Oh, no, not really. But like figuratively, like, like, it's really aggressive. I drove a motorcycle through traffic in Vietnam. And it was thrilling and terrifying. Really? Yeah, you're because it's almost like New York, but New York on fucking steroids because you got to like, you don't pay attention to who's behind you just pay attention to who's in front of you. And you're almost racing everyone. It was fucking crazy. I drove old Russian Ural through the streets of Vietnam. Motorcycle I had when I think it's a motorcycle we have at the farmstay when you call me. Ah, right. That was fucking what a great call. What a great fucking call. I'm gonna write a book. I'm gonna write a book out of out of like, top 10 things Joe Rogan said to me. But every now and then I get one like, look at this. This is Vietnam. I don't have seen this. This is insanity. Imagine being a motorcycle with a kid on your back. A kid trying to do they got their whole family on the back of that thing. Look at there's everyone's got two people. Some people have three or four people. Yeah, so if there's three people right there, that's more people. So insane. We don't think people just kind of get used to that, though. Like, I think people get accustomed to almost anything. Like, we're accustomed to driving cars now. That shit has only been around for 100 years. It's so weird. So weird driving around in a fucking car everywhere. It's only been around for a short amount of time. And we're just so accustomed to it. It's just normal. When you think about taking horses across the country. Have you ridden a horse lately? No. Fuck horses. You know how gangster those people are? Not fuck horses. I don't love horses. Let me be quick. Fuck you. I want to rephrase. I say bad things sometimes. I don't mean to. Fuck me riding a horse. That's what I meant. Fuck horses. Fuck horses. Fuck horses. I'm not getting on horses. Not fuck them. I think they're beautiful. I'm amazing creatures. You know what I'm really kind of sad about, honestly? That there's a lot of wild horses in this country. And they're trying to figure out what to do with them. And they might wind up killing them. No. Yeah, they might want. I mean, I think there's people that are proposing getting rid of a certain amount of them. I don't know what they do with them now. How do they handle wild horses now? But there was this argument, like, that they just can't let them get to a point where they're trying to get rid of them. And they just start overwhelming the population in some of these areas. And like, there's cattle that graze in these areas. And the horse and the cattle compete for food. And there's a lot of wild horses in this country. It's kind of a sad animal to be wild. It's like wild dogs. No, it's beautiful. I was in Crow territory up in either South Dakota or Montana. And we were driving motorcycles for Travel Channel. And we took a helicopter, we hunted a buffalo with the Crow Nation, shot the buffalo, processed it. Then they take us back and they put us on our motorcycles. And they're like, hey, we're going to meet up at the bottom. Everyone's going to have a drink. And I'm on my motorcycle. I did not have a drink in me. And I, in the sun setting, we're driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through this, and I'm driving through the hills, the fucking hills. And as I'm listening to Wilko and my headsets, with my helmet on, on a fucking Indian judge, or it was a judge, whatever the fucking judge was, a fucking pack of wild horses starts running next to me. And no one's around, no cameras, no film, just me, Wilko, and fucking seven horses at a full fucking sprint, keeping up with me on the motorcycle. The sun setting, and I'm just thinking, motherfucker. No one's gonna ever see this. It's just your moment you have in life. Wow horses are fucking beautiful Beautiful. No, I I should rephrase what I'm saying. I don't think Here's here's my thought on it like What I don't want them to be killed like other animals. I don't want to be it's we I don't want people to hunt wild horses Oh, no, right. So like so you can't the best way to control populations is either you send someone out to kill them or you let people hunt them and for all the other animals like the deer species and Elk and stuff they let people hunt them and that's how they keep populations in check. But with this one, it's like you can't I don't You know, like who wants to go out and shoot dogs nobody do that. No, but I mean no Yeah, no, I guess they probably do with what well wild dogs are a problem Yeah, that's somewhat so I think an elderly man got killed recently by wild dogs and like Georgia or something. Oh Dude that Dallas is really scary down south you can still get attacked by dogs. Yeah, I went for a jog in Alabama my wife's family lives I went for a jog in Alabama, Georgia, Alabama and Dog chased me like I you just forget people don't have fences everywhere there Their dog heard me jogging on the street from their porch and started running at me and I thought at some point it'll stop Right. I jumped up onto a Baptist Church, you know Like they have like the foundation with the cross in the name. Praise Jesus I jumped up and I had to standing up there as this dog just So there embarked at me and I sat I was I'm in running shorts headsets And I'm just sitting there waiting for the dog to get done and it we sat there for 30 fucking minutes The dog like sat for a second and then I'm like, oh my god Like is anyone gonna fucking help me? No Jesus and you sit there. I think people forget just How fragile we are as animals because like we are versus other animals some people are just dopey and irresponsible Just let their dog run around that's that's a common thing too But the thing about this wild dogs is like once you've got a population of wild dogs breeding in the woods You basically got something that it's kind of like a wolf very much It's kind of like as a small shitty looking. Oh my god fuck off He fought for his life against three large dogs I got torn apart apples and a German ship Jesus fuck and they were all the same team. He said he kept it. They kept attacking me for like 15 minutes roll that down It's it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it was actually it oh my god three dogs Two of them were pit bulls The third one was a German Shepherd one with a German Shepherd one of them attacked me when it did it triggered the other two And they joined in they were attacking me from all sides I was trying to keep them away from the inside of my legs with ephemeral arteries are and Away from my neck. I had nothing with me to fend them off I was desperately grabbing sticks to hit them, but the sticks were decayed and kept falling apart They kept attacking me for what seemed like 15 minutes. I was physically and mentally exhausted I was trying to figure out what to do. I Considered falling on the ground or rolling up in a ball and playing dead like you're supposed to do with bears I considered screaming for help But I do no one would hear me my four wheeler and my cell phone were 150 yards away And I knew I would never make it there. I finally remembered that there's a tree stand nearby the adjoining property I found a good stick I was able to keep the dogs at a distance until I could get to that stand and climb up on it in the stand Scott was able to catch his breath get his heart rate down and keep the first good look at his wounds He was in bad shape. He had punctures and lacerations of both arms and both hands And from his waist down to his ankles. He needs medical attention immediately. I Sat in the stand for a 30 minute about 30 minutes after the dogs left He said when I got down they heard me rustling. I heard they heard the rustling of the leaves under my boots They came running back in so Scott rushed back into the tree stand and waited another 30 minutes after the dogs left this time He purposely made a lot of noise to see if the dogs who returned they did not He decided to head in the opposite direction away from his four-wheeler and where the dogs had come from I found a good stick and I quietly tiptoed to a fence line. It was about 60 yards away I climbed over the fence and then hiked about a half a mile through a cow pasture out to the highway I stood I didn't know the story was gonna be so long Apologize I feel like I'm so fucking this guy got fucked up by dogs the end So he 190 a puncture wounds and lacerations. Yeah, a lot of stitches to fix them up So yes, he got out a couple guys alone in a pickup truck drove around me Yeah, okay. There it is So he got help no rabies. That's what okay. Let's go. Let's work this into this bit This is why Germans are weak because Germans don't have predators, right? This is what I was trying to say if you grew up a predators, right predators Like I think like I grew up getting attacked by dogs like that in Florida. You think that helped you? No, you can get me excited It's it does what you're a kid when I was a kid Like if you saw a dog on the street, it could always be touch and go like you never know You always moved away from a dog that you just saw walk. How are your daughters around a strange dog? They know Yeah, they're yeah because I've seen bad dogs good dogs. They've seen dogs and some dogs You know, you just can't trust them. You don't know them. No, you know, you've really you have no idea What's going on with that dog and most dogs are great You know big fan of dogs but those dogs until they're not it's and people that get like really violent dogs dogs are like You know, you got a trainer you got a trainer. You got it. You got like a wild monster that lives with you now Do you ever get you ever about to say something and then someone talks over you and you go that was a good call, man Thank you, I was about to say the most horrible thing and I was like, I was like we cut you back the um, yeah, man In Florida we had Gators we had lightning we had Sharks we had a lot of poisonous snakes. Mmm poisonous spiders. Mmm. We have molesters I was really big when I was a kid Jesus. They killed that kid Adam Walsh Adam Walsh in Miami, right? So that was the that was my Tornadoes hurricanes like we had a lot of things that could kill you. I Remember we were in Hawaii. I was with we were doing a hike with this Hawaiian dude and Isla was terrified like the Isla has a fear of bees. She has a fear of like spiders and stuff and She was talking to him about snakes and then and the guy said oh we don't snakes in Hawaii And then then we go we get down the hike we end up at it like a restaurant or whatever having a drink Wherever we went to with the guy and he's very low-key and I said something about like, you know This is island living and she and she said to me and it was an inside of it You know the the from a baby's mouth to a whatever she goes Dad they don't have snakes. That's all you need to know about this guy. I go. What do you mean? She goes that's why he's so chill. He's never had to deal with snakes I go once she goes every time I go in the yard I'm looking for snakes like anytime I walk outside I'm looking for snakes like that's the way when rattlesnakes are a thing in your community Like you grew where where you lived back in LA that was rattlesnake Central Oh for sure. You never walked into your backyard not thinking there might be a rattlesnake My dogs got bit multiple times and and when that's your reality it changes the way you look at life Fucking Australians got everything that could kill them. Yeah Everything everything I mean, they got those saltwater crocs dude You can't know you can't go on the beach at night in northern Australia You can't go on the beach at night because crocs are just laying on the beach and you'll think it's a log and sit on them Oh my Jesus They told us that when we went we went to go do the Great Barrier Reef They're like do not go on the beach at night. Do you know what a Horrific death that would be if you're a little tipsy and you sit down on what you think is a log I didn't show you this video yesterday. No, what are you out for me? It was we went around yesterday as a like what happened in Florida 23 year old dude went out for a piss in the back behind a bar and a rural area And lost his arm It's all not the attack isn't on video but Him thrashing in the water afterwards is and then they pull him out and the arm Missing and the pulling a tourniquet on with a guy with a cigarette hanging out over him. That's where I fucking grew up Anyone that ever says like hey Bert, why would you ever fuck around with Xanax? I grew up like that we've got on a lake on a lake living in the lake We was swimming the lake knowing at any moment a gator could take you away from your family and take him back to his nest And sit with you in his mouth for fucking four days until your body rotted and then they do the death roll on the bottom I mean dude, and then you think about like you think about like that so that creates a person right Australia That creates a person Those are realities in their life that creates that person right all those well trauma. It's not trauma But like the kind of similar in a way what's that? Oh, oh, yeah, but then you'll get Germans. They got nothing They got nothing, but I was thinking that Australians. I mean Australians in Florida people There's a lot in common fucking cousins. Yeah, maybe that's what it is Maybe it's like a certain breed of people that has to deal with dangerous environments like Australians have to deal with sharks saltwater crocs as Jellyfish they have nine of fish can kill box the box jellyfish kill people people swim in pajamas cheese They swim in blue pajamas. I'm not fucking around you swim blue We went to the Great Barrier Reef the look his jocks box jellyfish season get on blue pajamas And so we put on blue pajamas goes snorkeling your whole body's covered you have gel on your face your every parts of use covered I was like why would I snort because I go before do that. Why would you do that? Get the fuck out of that. Well, it is a great It's pretty it's pretty cool I'm sure it's cool, but like at what point in time do you not want to get killed by a jellyfish most of the time? All right, so how do you avoid getting killed by Joe don't? Fucking jellyfish are Jesus. They've got nine of the ten How many like how many deadly snakes does Australia have because I think they got nine of the ten deadliest snakes? There we went canyoning Canyon Canyoning I think it's called where you just you like rappel and climb up rocks But you're going down a canyon through waterfalls and stuff and the guy was like Keep away like anytime you saw debris on the side keep away from it You know we got the the two-step spider or whatever their spiders there are fucking next level. Oh, there's spiders He calls two steps. I made it up That's a good day for a spider two steps because you get We get bit you get two steps, and then you fall oh But that's that creates a person I think about Kelly Slater a lot and like because I love the podcast you do with them you talked about sharks mm-hmm The brain they can just shut that off. Did you see the bull shark attack the kayak recently? Yeah, Hawaii was that a bull shark. Yeah, I thought the no no I'm sorry The tiger shark tiger bull shark was the one that bit the tail off the other bull shark you see that one I didn't see that one, but let's show the kayak one first the tiger shark This is in Hawaii, and I think that's that's a high percentage of people that get bit in Hawaii get bit by these fuckers Look at that thing bro. That is so Wild yeah, I said again That is so crazy I Mean dude that thing just still remember it was his feet was his feet in the water almost his feet No his feet are in the water right now Look watch where his left foot comes from watch his foots behind the shark right now He almost got his leg bit off. Oh my god, oh my god Look at this. That's just oh His god do that shark almost bit his femoral artery look how insane that is Look at that thing just imagine the feeling of that thing chomping on your kayak And what if it flips it you could easily flip it. Oh, you're fucked I Mean it's just kind of luck that it didn't flip it look at that. That's insanity. That's a fucking big tiger shark, too Oh my god, that's so scary That's the guy. Yeah, fuck dude that guy's gotta be so happy. He's alive. It's gonna be exhilarating. I'd be like Fuck you It's weird like people have changed their opinion on sharks It used to be that everybody hated sharks after jaws be like fuck yeah, it's cool shark fishing Oh, yeah, I'm fucking manly shark fisherman and now it's like leave the sharks alone like people They need to protect sharks now, but it's it's I understand Absolutely, they're right. You need to protect sharks. Yeah, but it's just a weird like shift There's like a dangerous predator that eats human beings on a regular basis. We're like we got to make sure there's more of those It's weird. I'm not Understand it I agree with it. Yeah, but I'm saying it is weird. They're like there was no sharks No people would get eaten by sharks. It's called late Oh, no me lakes in Florida you get eaten by gator like Michigan lakes you ever seen people in Michigan They were swimming or uh, Wisconsin, Wisconsin. It's got the old Minnesota Mm-hmm got all the fucking lakes right and then just swimming lakes and just swim out and don't worry about shit My wife's like that my wife we have in a lake house in Alabama and she'll swim out to the middle of the fucking lake You know, that's a really good benefit to really cold climates. No reptiles Cuz when you got an abundance of dangerous reptiles in terrain where they can hide You got a real problem kids. I think it well We go back to the thing. I think it raises a different person. Oh for sure I think it creates a person who maybe anticipates the danger anticipates the Like do you ever do you ever anticipate? then the the the The tragedy in life like think cuz I know you're kind of guy that I'm remember be saying one time Anytime I see a guy with a tie on I go he doesn't even know what I could do with that tie I was always joking around I know but but I always felt like if I had a tie on someone could grab my tie and Call it choke me. Yeah, so I was like, why would you like give someone a handle to put around your neck? But I wonder if I wonder if when you grow up with these With jujitsu back then though fucking Isla is obsessed with you. It's really fun, man I wish everybody get obsessed with it. So I think I got a bow shout out to everybody So not to Eddie Bravo. Shout out to Jean Jacque Machado shout out to all the fucking people teaching that because it's I think it's one of the most Beneficial things that anyone could ever do for their their health for their brain the peace of mind But once you starting something that's actually effective you started fighting early, right? Well, I started martial arts when I was 15. That's what I really got into it I took it a little when I was 14, but it was hard to get to the place I started out this karate place in Newton and then I started in Taekwondo when I was 15 Well, you what was uh, what was your you you don't have to obviously whatever but You talked about a start a question with you don't have to obviously whatever. I know I don't know You know, I love you, but sometimes I don't know you told me this in secret and I'm just telling it I'm asking you a question that you told me the secret Okay, go with tell me What was you got bullied? You got that's why you got into martial arts because you got bullied, right? Oh, yeah for sure I mean, I was always small and I was always new or I moved into these places What did you weigh it like when you got into martial arts? What would you weigh? Well, I wrestled at 134 When I was 15 or I was 14 15 that's 50. That's like to Tony ant cliffs. So yeah one Boom And I don't believe I cut weight for that but I did cut weight when I started fighting when I was 16 and 17 I was cutting down to 140 and I was weighing 140 for a while, but it was a real struggle and I only did the states at 140 once and that Was when I was 17. So what was your like as I was bullied I was an all boys Catholic high school, but it definitely formed a little bit of me that it maybe I didn't wish it did Yeah, it's this is your bullying like I can you tell me a bullying story wasn't it wasn't horrible You know, it was just a bunch of dudes being dicks And I didn't like the feeling of not being able to defend myself Like was it scary? Oh, yeah one dude was one dude grabbed me at a headlock This is why I started wrestling one dude grabbed me in a headlock just like out of nowhere we were just staring at each other we didn't even exchange words and he Threw me to the ground and he raised his fist like he was gonna punch me and then he decided not to And he just let me go like it was so easy to do that to me that he didn't have to just beat me up Catch and release catch release catch release and first of all, thank that dude for doing it first of all I don't know why he grabbed me. I didn't touch him, but at least he didn't really hurt me But it made me realize like oh, I don't know what to do if somebody grabs me and tries to wrestle me So I started taking wrestling I joined the wrestling team and I started doing talk window at the exact same time So I was doing both of them at the exact same time and I couldn't do two of them And I had to pick one or the other and I really Enjoyed kicking people. It was exciting. It was there's something about that It was just so it was such a cray and that's when you when I loved movies like Chuck Norris movies and you know Sean Claude van Damme movies It's like wild kicks is what you want to see people do you watch a Bruce Lee movie you want to watch? See why I want to be able to do that yeah, and so that was what I got obsessed with it that seemed to me to be Something fun to do. So what do you think it says? Like I'm not to get back to the what makes you you the man you are and what makes me the man I am where I go. I want everyone to be pleased when I got bullied and my bully my bullying was Pretty physical. It was all boys Catholic high school and everyone's like boys will be boys Yeah, I got beat up a couple times like just beat up My defense was oh Because I don't know if it was cuz maybe I was a little bit bigger and I was the size of the people You know, like I got bullied by dudes were bigger than me But I was also not like I was I was a hundred probably 180 pounds Right and so like even still but I was just a softer dude, you know and so I wonder if the my bullying Regressed my aggression I think and it turned me into more of a smart ass more of a like I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna outwit you. I've always had a I've always had a respect I've always had a big respect for dudes who can fight and not fucking with the dudes who can fight like I Obviously I said I'd fight Israel, you know And I said I think I might have said accidentally and I'd like to apologize for this publicly I might have said Tom and I are gonna jump Nate Diaz I might have said I was I didn't care of Conor McGregor slap me now meeting Conor meeting is the I Know that this wild talk. I'm a comedian. Everyone should know I'm a comedian, but that energy is Where my sense of humor leaned when I got bullied. I just was like, oh, I'm gonna I'm gonna challenge you I'm gonna challenge you in comedy and if you don't get it, then you're the fucking idiot. But if you get it Then does that make sense? Nope? Okay I remember I remember I remember I got beat up pretty good. Yeah a couple times a couple times. I got beat up pretty good both were off of jokes and What's interesting about both those times both those men and I've dealt they're listening Guarantee they're listening and they may know who they are but both those men's got Publicly shamed and kind of shunned by our friend groups. They're like you don't get jokes both those guys didn't get comedy and and they lost a lot of friends and they lost a lot of like Because it was like they were jokes, right? But I will tell you those two men taught me a very valuable lesson there are men to fuck with and they're men not to fuck With yeah, some dudes don't want you to play games with them They don't and and it's and it's a real challenge of like like you're the baddest motherfucker I know per well one of the baddest motherfuckers. I know personally I could I make funny you a lot And I've never won and I've said wild things about you. I said I called you gay on fucking Logan Paul's podcast Hey, I want I would love to hear more about this Jamie. I got that thing is happening to the headphone again. I Don't hear myself anymore. It Completely we're gonna pause for a second folks Shout out to Sebastian. He just can't send me a very sweet text. Sorry folks. We had technical issue the headphone jack issue Sebastian what happens that me he's a bass. He's got a movie also this weekend. It's called my father I think it's called my father and with Robert De Niro. We both have movies opening this weekend This is my thing. I'll say right now Just bring back comedy bring back comedy support either of our movies go out watch comedies bring back comedies Go to the fucking movie theaters go to the fucking movie theaters Text your friends if you like the movie see my see mine on fucking Friday Sebastian on Saturday mine on Saturday Sebastian on Friday Whatever it is support fucking comedy sent me a really sweet text. It's a weird Sort of Time for for movies because people are like very scared to take chances like they took and These classic Electropic Thunder like you could never you could never shout out you could never the writer for that astronauts Oh my god, perfect. Hey if the machine does well theaters We got a green light on Monday and this script is you want to see come in space? It's about yeah, it's it's a weird time I told you this I'll say it again, but like I was in Serbia before the first day of shooting I had some wine at dinner and I was laying in bed I listened to you on a podcast and you said here's the problem with comedies They don't go fucking hard anymore, and I sat up in bed. I went my first scene isn't hard my first scene isn't hard It's soft and it's stupid and he's right and I fucking rewrote it. I woke up my cousin. I rewrote it I said, what do you think you think it's better? And he goes it's I don't know if they're gonna let you do it And I said I know but I just I'm listening to Joe and and like if you're if you're a little bit of a lighthouse For us comics is where you know you've always given me great advice, and I'm hearing you say it third hand do a podcast We rewrote it. I went in I gave it to Peter Tentsio I said this this I want this is can we shoot this also shoot this one also Do you the one you want for safety Peter Tentsio read it and laughed send it to the directory read it or the producer kale Loved it, and he was like let's shoot this one instead Beautiful, and so we fucking come out hard. That's great It also sounds like a group of people get you yeah, sometimes you know when it guys his first big movie You know they'll tell you what to do and give you advice that might not mess Necessarily work with your personality well people want to be safe And they want and they don't want to get fired man everyone's got a BMW and they got to pay the payment bro Imagine being the lady That decided to do that Bud Light campaign Imagine like never thinking that a mistake that you make in a company Could could go that bad and so people when they see something like that in the news they get so fucking scared of Being the person that gets involved in another thing like that for the left or for the right It's like it's companies that are learning that attaching yourself to these like Sociopolitical things like yeah, there's consequences people get mad. Oh, they always really mad the day that commercial came out. I'm in Yeah, please the day that commercial comes out. I miss I miss some fucking arena I only say arena so that you know so that we know the conversation that you don't try out a lot of new material in arenas You know what arenas show is pretty fucking dialed in yeah, so I bring out a Bud Light I've been drinking on stage lately. I bring out a Bud Light and This dude booze And I'm like what and he's like don't drink that shit That's trans shit, and I'm like huh and this woman goes he's talking about the commercial I was like wait. I don't follow the news at all. I go. What the fuck's going on right? And then some people start talking they go Bud Light did a commercial with the Trans Lady kid rock shut up the beer No one's drinking Bud Light. Yeah, and then I said I go now. What mind you weren't arena I'm rolling the dice pretty hard. I go. I don't think they went hard enough I Go if I was a Bud Light. This is a commercial. I'd make Dudes on the corner of his bed. He's got a Bud Light in his hand his chicks behind him She's like are we gonna do this or what he's like no no no We're doing it, and he kills the Bud Light, and then he gets in the bed, and he sucks his girlfriend's cock That's the fucking Trans commercial. I want to see I like that yeah That's representative all you see is his head going up and down and she's like and then her voice lowers like yeah Play with the balls play with the balls oh, and then he fucking swallows very specific follows it with another buzzer It's like a sir make that that's inclusive mmm. It is It's better. Yeah. Yeah, just go hard just go so far the other day I wonder how much further if do people forgive? Because if these people look the right wingers right wingers generally tend to be Christian Do you think they forgive by light set is there forgiveness in that or is there no forgiveness in a large corporation that attaches? So is it a lesson like for the other corporations if you want to attach yourself to like polarizing viewpoints and things that are hot-button social topics There's consequences. I don't know I hope it's not like why your corporations getting involved in social stuff anyway I'll tell there's only one reason because they think that it's gonna benefit their bottom line up until now No, it's the same now. It's different now they're doing things they're getting involved in social issues because they think they have to and They have the company has to be representative and they have to they have to go out there and get involved in these your silence Is it talking about yeah? Oh yeah, the black squares came out. Do you remember the black squares force? They forced you into compliance and anytime someone's asking you forcing you into compliance That is not Never good. It's never good because they can do it with that then it keeps moving further and further down the line And then you've got some weird new quasi Freedom well, you know what it is. Here's the slippery slope though so you're getting ready to do a Hollywood premiere right right and they're at the front they're like hey do we stand with all women and Some dude I won't say names, but some dude who's an actor is like like part of them's like hey, man I got dirt. I got dirt. So I don't want to put the thing on to look like I'm being disingenuous But maybe I'll skate by oh do you boy they give you a pin they give you a pin? Oh, come on You can't force someone to wear a pin. That's crazy It's how I won't say that anyone's name. So I wouldn't drag a bull stuff, but how one couple dudes got caught They they wore a pin on the carpet and then activists like hold on you got shit in your closet Get the fuck out and so a lot of people just it's like Even it's for the best cause in the world if someone's getting you to join Join us join us now. You're part of social structures. Yeah, you're part of these weird things that people do when they join groups you know, it's like if you had pins on And you came with them maybe but like to try to get every dude you do you agree with us about anything? Was an American flag that would freak people out what do this for America put this on for America people start going Hey, are you gonna make me put something on dude? The black you hand me something The black share was help with the flag on the black square was that I woke up. Yeah, I woke up that morning I think it was pandemic times right June 2020. Yeah. Yeah, I woke up in bed and I opened it I saw a black square and it's and I and I thought it was cool. I thought it was cool I was like, that's cool, man Yeah, stand up for black lives matters and and and post the squares and that's that's I was like, that's pretty cool and then I Saw people not posting and like posting computer their mom or something and everyone's like lighting up Oh, so you hate black people and then I was like, oh, this looks a little toxic I know, you know, I must stay away from this today. I like that. It's happening I support that it's happening, but I may not be the right guy to post up a black square, right? In the special did just aired I had a joke about Me and a black dude that maybe you could been on the fence, right? So I was like I might be the not to be the spokesman they want And this is back when I looked at my DMS and then my DMS are like no black square no black square So this is who you are. This is who you are Bert and I'm talking like a few you've made money Oh, you just did your last special and you made a joke about a black guy Stand with him. How dare you make the money off black and I'm sitting there going fuck man And I'm really assessing who I am as a person and I'm like, well, I do I do think in your lane in bed This is all happening bet. You're like, I'm him. I do support out my favorite Some of my favorite human beings are black my bus driver who I love to death Ron I was like, well is he thinking this about me and then you post a black square and then it's the other side Oh, so you're one of those cuck cowards and then you and then you eliminate the comments and God fucking damn And then you're like and then you're like, I guess I'm throwing my phone into the river Yeah, man, it's it's a tribal thing that happens with human beings especially with polarizing ideas You know Well, it's a woman's right to choose or whether it's pro-choice or whether it's You know Do you support black lives matter or do you do that the real problem becomes in when people enforce? Compliance and they want you to comply whether it's like they're doing it socially whether they're threatening your livelihood Like you can enforce people to think a certain way if it if their livelihood depends on it and we know that that happens Yeah, it's sketchy shit. It happened. It happened you know when when you they tried to cancel you and People started like I wasn't aware that it was going on And and I wake up my DMS are lit up. How dare you not support Joe? and I'm like what I didn't know what's fucking happened and then I I And then you sit there for a moment you sit at your desk and you find out what's going on and you write something You go I know this is gonna like I know Some of these LA parents that I lit friends with or some of my you know, aren't gonna like my stance right now But this is my friend. I don't remember what I wrote. I don't remember why wrote I posted a picture of me and you I Said something. I'm very I'm very privileged to have Joe's my my friend. I love him. I stand by him and whatever whatever whatever Dude, you want to fucking talk about fucking throwing a bucket and and then I got a text from my dad My dad is a best is a phone call. My dad goes buddy You know, I know I met you. He's a sweet guy. I don't really stand for what you know Whatever's going on with him right now But I'm so proud to have raised a man that stands by his friends and you're like, oh, yeah, that's the fucking that's the real world That's the road. Joey Diaz lives in that real interaction. You have another human being where you go. I did the right thing I'm gonna start my day, you know, like fuck the internet fuck the comments I'm not gonna fucking sit there in the comments and start fighting with people. I got into fucking Indigenous mascots last night randomly on a fucking someone I supposed and I'm reading all these comments and I'm getting worked up I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I like the old school mascot for Florida State. Fuck it. I don't give a fuck Which which thing was this the n-word video? Yeah I Could see why people would be so upset obviously We used to say the word in a way like if you were like Using it in a sentence like talk about a Richard Pryor routine if you're it just It didn't seem as offensive then as it does now now. It seems like impossibly offensive. Yeah, that's what's what's interesting is that there's no words that are really that way where it's positive if certain people use it and Negative if other people use it like you could say it as like an affirmation you could say it as like a Punchline sometimes sometimes so many stand there posting shout out to him. I counted last night. I think it was 25 It's it but if you're a stand-up, I mean it is it is a very valuable Word, but we know it's crazy as I watched Eric last night fucking hilarious and he uses the word a lot and I started counting a Couple times I was like I was like this is cuz I just seen you you know just seeing you and you have a Nospolar alert, but yeah great fucking thing and I watched Eric and I watch I kind of counted and I thought what's amazing is They are not even hearing the word really they're not hearing the word as if I said that they'd hear it there Right, it's just skating by right when he says it. It's it doesn't cause any tension. It's amazing It's amazing, but that's what's so weird about that word is that it's the only word Where the amount of melanin in your skin predicates whether or not you could that dictates whether or not you can say it Where you're from that dictates where you can say it. It's like it's a word that is Privileged to a certain group. I mean not privileged obviously it's it's a Terrible slur pointed at people yeah But when they're using it the way they want to use it whether it's in hip-hop lyrics or whether it's a stand-up comedy When they're using it the way they want to use it. It's a beautiful like social tool melodic Oh my god for stand-up comedy it I think it gives an extra layer of flavor. Oh Like if like Chappelle uses it. I was got a joke about Anywhere the I'm only even fucking rough But about him and his dude in the car and a cop pulls up next to him and his dudes and it's a white guy and he's like I think we should race him and Chappelle goes and Use the word, but it's the word is the thing and it's it gives it such a like Where you're like it's just sparkles well Chris Rock is one of the greatest bits ever on that word I mean it's a fucking amazing bit and when it's just it's just a very very strange word in terms of like All the other words exist. That's the the only one Like there's no positive like slurs against Jews Right there's no there's no like there's no slurs against Jews that if Someone was Jewish they could say in a positive way well hang right with the flip is Jew Jewish people Getting comfortable Jewish people will mock their Jewish Judaism in front of you. Yes, like when that well Yeah, I can't throw a baseball. You know typical Jew right, but if you said it to them They'd be like what the fuck you trying to say right and you're like and and here's the thing I was trying to think of last night So we were I wanted to talk to you about that thing you're doing so I was like it's really brilliant and and one of the things I was thinking is like It's possible that we don't have white people don't have a word that is as Explosive or volatile to us that means so much and so like maybe we can't we can't understand no way we can't understand but it's crazy just as a word that if the flip side of it is They can use it and it just sounds fine. Yeah, it doesn't offend anybody. We're all just sitting there. Everyone's laughing It makes times better. It's really it's a weird word snoop said it snoop said it to me when I walked We're at this event. I told you and I didn't I saw when we go hang out with snoop and the ends like Can't you hang up snoop? I go. He's my friend. I fight if we can't hang out them. We're not friends So I went over I said to the guy as I tell Tell Papa birds here and he was like what you know, no, and I was like just tell Papa birds here He's like who's Papa? I go just yell Papa birds here. He was Papa birds here He's like, yeah dog wants to see him and then I just walked through I went back first words out of snoop's mouth my And yeah, and I felt so much love I felt so much fucking love right I felt so much love in that crazy that that word is so it's just as a word It's so fascinating and and if I and now the exact opposite if I had said that to him Oh, yeah, it would have ruined the night. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I and and we're aware of that social interaction But at the same time There's like there is there there was this time Where where people thought like I remember reading the word in high school During reading Huck Finn reading it loud and Huck Finn reading it aloud. Is that still in it or did they change the words? I don't know because I think I think some What's fun out with what's going on with that cuz I feel like I read that There was some call to remove that word from Huckleberry Finn Yeah Yes, yes, yeah, it's like Well, you remember the Chevy Chase routine with Richard Pryor, yeah, yeah Fuck yeah on SNL. I mean it's It was interesting too. There's a period of time where Quentin Tarantino had white people saying in his movies Yeah, well, he said it a bunch of times in Pulp Fiction Alabama publisher says expurgation is that the right word Expiration I'm Explorting of more than 200 hurtful epithets Will counter preemptive censorship that has seen Mark Twain's. Yeah. Okay. It censors the n-word What do they use in replace of that word? They just call him Jim Read all the words. Oh my god, they're gonna replace it with the word slave. Wait, what? Wow, and the new addition the word will be replaced in each instance by slave The word engine will also be replaced in the text. I Wonder what that's the interesting words. I never really heard that word growing up engine Yeah, and we grew up in Florida where the Seminole tribe was like really big Well, they were the only unconquered unconquered tribe Seminole tribe. Yeah, we did I did the Civic Center in Tallahassee and right before the show they gave me the spear Have I told you this story? I just don't like repeating myself and I do it a lot. It's okay. I forget stories good. I Enjoy them in the moment, but there's too many of them. My database is so overwhelmed I'm like a shitty old old computer. That's just way too many fucking So so when I'm movies on it growing up in Tampa, I had no civic pride like we kids in Boston You had civic pride you were the red socks out We just had the box and they sucked right when I got went to Florida State when I started going to Florida State my dad said You're gonna have so much fun. You're gonna really experience the community those football games I don't understand what he's saying my dad grew up in New York Yankees fan Like my dad understood that and knew we didn't have it as a kid and I went to Florida State in my first game I didn't really understand. We're all wearing the same colors. We're doing the the tomahawk chant and That first game chief Osceola comes out on renegade and he has on the horse. Have you ever seen this? He has a burning spear and he comes out Jamie got a pulled up so beautiful on bareback on a horse Dude dressed Native American dressed Native American truck Like a Seminole with a burning spear and he goes out to the center of the fucking thing and he rears renegade back up on his two legs and he holds it there and the whole crowds going ah And then he spikes the burning spear in the center. The place explodes. Look at this. Look at this Now a kid from Florida I'm seeing this This Is me look at 18 years old. This is so crazy. I'm hitting a hate crime What is the hand for it supposed to represent throwing the spear? Oh really? Yeah Throwing the spear. This is so psycho dude. This is me at 18 with no idea Drunk, I don't know what's going on My dad told me to get ready for this and I'm a part of this in the moment, right? Doke Campbell Stadium One of the coolest college experiences you could ever have in a million fucking years. Fuck the Irish football Fuck Shane Gillis football. Yeah fat fuck fuck your team. Yeah, shut up. Yeah, shut the fuck up and stay there Yeah, and then watch this. This is Florida State City man football is war with a condom on Wait, did they show chief Osceola throwing the spear yet? This is a representation of war. Look at that chanting Warriors these warriors spill it onto the field. Yeah, but wait, what you gotta see you gotta see Osceola Okay, but you know realize how crazy this looks look at this. These are our side. Yeah, fuck. Yeah, let's get after them boys Oh, you get a tutorial fuck. Yeah, this is me. This is my fuck. That's not you Bert. You live on There's my fuck up. This is who I was. This is my grooming Joe. This is the stakes These are the Gators I grew up with okay, and then you're so excited about it, too This is with people you don't know but these are my colors. Oh, I get it now No, and then you got to see see that go to chief Osceola Don't it. That's one of the things that I like about combat sports. There's none of this So then so then he throws a spear in the place pops place moms 80,000 people pops. I start crying. Oh like I Guess our crayons so like I'm like I'm like I'm a part of something like something bigger than me I'm a part of the first time in my life. So I come back to play the arena and Hold on hit pause. I go back to it play the arena and they have everything. I mean everything Switch your rolls. It's no they welcome back birdie boy. Okay, like it's like it's like they have a red carpet lined up And they say to me they say and I take a walk through campus and kids are sticking their heads out the window They go at the end they go um, they said hey, there's a president want to give you before you go on stage I'm such a fucking 80s. I thought I was getting a doctorate. I thought they're gonna give me like the cap and gown You're a doctor partying or something shit. Yeah, they give me the spear They give me the fucking spear and they're like hey, and then this is me This is one of the greatest moments of my fucking life You taking your house. No, take a look at this. Tell me how fucking beautiful. Oh, yeah. I saw this I saw this in your Instagram. This is amazing Look at all the do they Tom on with their fucking hands Everyone's doing it with their phones. This is boy. It'd be so easy to start a cult there. Fuck Yeah, you just send me back You're ready to send me back brother it is it's it's so in my funeral Isn't that interesting how fucking territorial people are and how much they love like this an area that they're from? Yeah, it's cool. What is also like when you're talking about like survive Yeah, there is you're talking about surviving alligators and living in the swamps while folks. That's how we get down That's how you get down. That's how you get down Yeah, go to fucking good. I go to Australia and do a show and they're always sure we show me I got a throat infection from drinking out of people's shoes drinking. I drink out of so many shoes Joe I had to stop I was late at throat infection I got a throat even the all the alcohol that we were throwing down wasn't enough to counteract the funk of someone's fucking dirty feet It was my shoes. I started buying these shoes. I could do more shoes. That's so gross your own shoe You drink in your own funk now. What's what's worse your yeah, your funk would be way better than so I was buying brand new shoes just to drink out of oh Very suddenly in America do I wake up going what shoe am I gonna drink out of today? And that was every fucking day in Australia. Yeah, you got to give up on that idea these people If you google Burt's you you'll see them all over the place good for your gut biome Wonder you are weirdest dude. I know Stresses you a little like puts like like people in some countries They drink their water and they don't have a problem But if American went over there and drank their water they would get deathly sick Mexico Yeah, you can't you can't brush your teeth with that shit Montezuma's revenge gives you ass. Oh fucking jet spray bad diarrhea Hangover right real bad, right? We did it to the Native Americans. We rolled over here and just fucking infected them. Mm-hmm Yeah, we're like little small box was a small box. Mm-hmm. Yeah, they killed literally killed 90% of the population 90% and I mean it was a we think of the genocide as being like Us killing or not us trailer tears and shit my family came over here in the 20th century But we think of it as yeah massacres, but it wasn't it was that for sure there was a lot of massacres There it was it's a lot of atrocities Yeah, but also the majority of people were killed by diseases They had no immunity for and that's probably what happened with the Mayans, too when they think about what where this civilization that created these incredible structures like how this happened and you go back to Cabeza de Vaca when there's a great book called the land so strange and it's all about these guys from Spain Landing in Florida and making their way and running into the Mayans and like what the fuck is going on? Dude, wait, what's the name of this book? It's called a land so strange a land so strange. Yeah, there's What what these guys encountered when they're talking about? What when Pete those early settlers encountered these incredible cities where people had all these gold ornaments and it's incredible Sophistication and then when people went back later, it was gone Everyone was dead because those people that went there first and then came and told everybody about it. They killed them all they just Breathed on with that European funk the stuff that they had lived with so they had immunity to it When they came over here, they just killed everybody Yeah that's what happened to 90% they think of the Native Americans and and happened probably the Micronesia probably when James Cook's probably all over the place well, that's also one of the reasons why North Sentinel Island that island where that That missionary went and got murdered by the natives like they think that the reason why they're hostile to people Is that at one point time? There was this guy who was a famous explorer slash pervert who used to travel around and take Photographs of people like dressed up in Roman costumes and shit Yeah and a lot of these people like they went to a bunch of these sort of Uncontacted islands and they got up they kidnapped some people got a bunch of people sick and a few people died from whatever they got Sick from yeah, and so I think they've always Connected people that visit them with like sickness and death like that. Yeah fucked it up for everybody. I Had that feeling towards women for a while To get the cop once and you're like, I don't trust any fucking woman It's venereal diseases are pretty wild because it's like Diseases are so crafty. They figure out a way like how can I get in there? I know I gotta get on that guy's dick Have you ever had a beauty? I never had anything that was worth talking about on a podcast Terrifying to me is that that's how people died in the 1400s Al Capone yeah Fucking syphilis. Yeah, you watch those um those old photographs and video Well, I guess not photographs, but do they have video of anybody was syphilis? Oh their nose goes away everything big holes in their faces and scary shit man because like That that fucking tissue rotting like what does that do to your insides? You've got holes in your face and holes in the top of your head and it's from sex Dude, I've told this a million times, but you know, that's where the term bigwigs comes from, right? No, you don't know this there was these French royal guys and they had syphilis and so the hair was falling out and they they put on these wigs and when they were very popular was socially and Everyone started wearing wigs and the more money you had the bigger your wig was Really? That's what big wig is. Yeah, it's from comes from syphilis. That should be an app I love those those kind of when they go they get you know, we're cat in the bag came. Yeah Yeah, yeah, there's some good ones like like long in the tooth. Mm-hmm It's cuz you look you hold a horse's mouth open, right? See how long the tooth was and that's about how old they were and then you start looking at old people's teeth Especially their bottom teeth and they're really fucking long. You're like, oh, wow. Holy shit. Yeah Your gums start falling apart. Mm-hmm. I like that shit. Yeah, it's interesting those phrases like where they come from But that one's particularly weird. I wonder if we've started any as comics this comedy so big right now. Mmm, like give him the light Yeah, give me the light. Maybe it's probably a few There's a fun time for comedy dude, it's fun time. Can I tell you I was thinking about this in bed today. I was like I Wonder like I'll put it in USC terms like so Oleg Tartar Tectar off to our office in our movie. I love that dude. He loves you and he is a fun fucking hang He's a fun dude. Yes. You remember the when we FaceTimed you. Mm-hmm Yeah, we were watching the World Cup soccer and I went to this hotel cuz the whole cast is over there He's a big dude. He's a big dude and he's still strong as fuck and he's tight Like he's a he's a strong man. Oh, let me tell you Taraf was one of the first guys that I ever saw in MMA Pull off leg locks against like really high level competition And then I found out about pancreas afterwards I felt like but Oleg was like one of the first guys I think I ever saw that pulled off leg locks I was like, wow. Yeah, he he so I was thinking about this. So he's in the movies and big actor He's a big actor now But when we I ran into him we were both drinking beers and I didn't realize who it was And he just walks up to me in that Russian accent. He's like, you know Joe and I was like Rogan who's yet call him? I go I Joe that's not how Joe works You don't just like FaceTime Joe and he goes FaceTime Joe and I FaceTime you when you picked up and you grab the phone He goes Joe and you're like, oh holy shit. What are you doing? He's I'm doing a movie them but like I think about this when I think about comedy So like you look at Oleg and the career he had he was a fucking legend, right? Yeah, you look at hoist Gracie You look at dance Shamrock Ken Shamrock Tito Ortiz right for all these Fucking The guy with the big the fucking stronger who used against people Randy Kotor and the fucking race Yeah And then the other guy who always seemed like yeah He got sliced on his eye by a glove during a fight and he had to tap out because he got sliced by a glove Uh, he used to fight against Randy all the time That was Randy too, buddy. No, no, no Randy got his eye cut. Oh, was it Randy? Yeah It was against Vitor Belfort Chuck Chuck Chuck Liddell. Oh Yeah, Chuck didn't have that issue That was yeah, no, that was uh, that was Randy against Vitor Belfort It was just a very on unusual injury and it sliced the eyelid open and they had to stop the fight Like the actual eyelid. Yeah, I remember that. Well, I remember it I couldn't let him fight but so you think about all those guys, right? Those are like the guys that started the guys that were the one that piqued our interest. They ran UFC Ran UFC and then you look at like Izzy and fucking Connor and you see how much money someone like Connor makes and I always wonder if those guys look at Connor and go like Shit, man, you're welcome for the path I carved the road because you would have never gotten there last night I'm hanging out with dice thinking dice is the first guy that ever did Stadium like arenas for an our job mean Steve Martin did but he was the only motherfucker that did arenas Yeah, he was the first for sure the first guy to do and he did what was the number? He said said some insane number. Do you remember the number? He said he did and 700 or some shit like that Oh some insane number of I remember I don't remember what the number was but it was like holy shit and we're talking about we're talking about Carlin and and and fucking all like all the legends that were in the 80s They never got to do stadiums and arenas fucking Andrew Schultz did the fucking Houston Stadium the other day It is stadium. I mean Tommy did two shows at the United Center. I I'll talk wild time for comedy, but I wonder if those comics look at us The same way Oleg and those guys look at Connor like he's just lucky timing We just showed up at a time when these people laid the foundation for what what could become You know listen you're gonna waste time and energy thinking about that Fucking who cares what they think like you look at the old like he is what it is Mike Schmidt Yeah, it's for the eight for the fucking Phillies and then you see him note negotiate a contract for $350,000 and then then you look at the guys negotiating for like seven hundred fifty thousand dollars, right? It's just a crazy that like I was trying to like break it down in my head. You're saying yeah I know I see you're saying but for sure like but that's gonna be the case with the next generation that comes up After us they'll probably have some insane advantage as well. Yeah, I mean there's just social media and Podcasts just changed everything You I'm gonna do two seconds But you gave a lot to us you gave a lot to me. No no no I meant But it's a commute to our community. Yeah, because you didn't you didn't you didn't have like your three openers that you only put on You didn't you didn't you weren't you it wasn't just you and your couple boys You opened it up to all of us and you're like, hey Tom, who's your buddy Bert? And then he's like, oh you should meet Bert I want to meet him and then you'd put people over hey Bert. Who's that guy? I'm saying this and I'm like I had Tim on my podcast very early and then all of a sudden like you're like Hey introduce me to Chris to Stefano and all these guys that are like, you know, you never had any Jealousy about you. You always were generous with your platform and with your fans And and and maybe not enough people know that and maybe not enough people appreciate Just the feeling that we as a community have for you because you gave us things you and not not money not anything but just Opportunities I said this to big boy on a podcast the other day you you never Cared about one upping anyone. I do that sometimes in podcasts. I'm gonna tell the story. I tell the story that I think But like you didn't you were like that's a great story and then you go Hey, do you ever you ever wonder how to build the pyramids and you just talk about like you just were like curious and fun and like and and and I'm I'm telling you man it You I said to something the other day you you got like ten friends who do arenas pretty crazy That never happened that's pretty wild you have ten of your best friends that do arenas Yeah, there's not a lot. I don't I don't I haven't put over people like that There's not a lot of comics out there that have done that for comedy and you and you never said like yo Can I get a cut of that or anything? That's very nice of you to say but in my defense I just no one else had the opportunity that I had I had a very unique situation So it was for me. It was like it makes sense. It's mutually beneficial. It's great for everybody. It's great for the art form It's fun, and I like when people do well. I like it. That's always like that's unique. You know that right? It shouldn't be It's a it's a mindset. I could have fallen into the same jealous mindset that most people have I'm not a special person I just figured it out early on that it's actually a weakness See I assessed I analyzed like when I would feel bad about someone doing well I'm like what is that about and I sat around and I thought about it for quite a bit This is when I was like 21 because I remember I had a I had definitely had a lot of jealousy when I was fighting But then when I got into comedy I sort of carried that over and one time I was thinking about it and it really bothered me because I'm like that seems like That's taking up a lot of my energy that I'm jealous of someone who's doing better than me like why why would I do that? Why when I instead could have the exact same experience, but be inspired? I'm like It's just a mindset switch and it also makes it so much easier to hang out with people and talk to people It makes you have better bonds with people if you can just fucking enjoy Watching people do well and then do your best do your best and enjoy watching people do well And I think that doing well is contagious And I think doing well if you're around people that do well and you help them and they help you I think it's contagious and I think that shit spreads you gave us success positive You're the settler that came into a bunch of bunch of indigenous people and gave us the sex box because There's I mean, you know, it's it's like well We have to take credit to the store too because it all really came to fruition at the store it's like the camaraderie that we all had at the store and that you know, we Was like the first group that actually benefited from each other rather than you know If you and I were both up for the same role in a sitcom We see each other we're friends, but we see each other auditioning and it's like and some guys will get shitty with you Just try to fuck with your head, you know, I've experienced that before and audition So it's like wow, God people insult you Just to try to fuck with your head or try to make you feel bad before you go into the room But we don't we didn't have that because we came We sort of like made it in a time where the internet was coming alive and as our careers advanced the internet did too and what happened was we all became a Benefit to each other instead of a liability like to have really funny friends that you could do podcasts with was great We would do each other shows and we would all have fun together And then we would go to the ice house and do shows there and do this and do that everyone became a Great asset instead of a liability. Yeah. Yeah So instead of like a competition like oh he might get the part it became oh and then We also realized that when you do a bunch of shows like we were doing at the ice house with a bunch of killers You get better. Oh, yeah Yeah, better Normal watch me last night. I told a joke that I it's not a joke. It was just something that happened once in life it's a story, but it's just a weird story and You need guys like Adam Eager Mark Mark Norman came up to me goes. That's a fucking bit. Mm-hmm I was like for real. He's like dude. It's fucking hilarious And then you sometimes right you just like someone needs to tell you and then you're like, oh, I know I can say it I know how to okay, dude, and you gotta work on it I said the one of the best jokes I had on secret time was not I go to Film secret time and the week before I spent every night at the store and I said I want to find I want to make sure where these holes are cuz that that that's a pretty honest audience Mm-hmm, and I randomly told a story about getting my white pajamas for Christmas just in the OR when you're bombing Yeah, and then you're like, I got a pivot right and I just like this this will work This is a good story wasn't in my hour and Adam Eager pulled me aside. He goes. That's the best joke you have Oh, that's hilarious and I went for I saw a joke and he goes it better be in secret time and I go no It's not and I moved it up. I took it that weekend that week. I worked it out at the OR Put it in secret time in the first like 14 minutes where I want I work specials differently. I think Put in the first 14 minutes. It's like the most like the biggest joke I had and I go thank God I'm around fucking Smart motherfuckers. Yeah, thank God It's it's nice to have a lot of people to bounce things off of too. That's been nice about being here I liked what I told Adam last night. So I work with a young lady who's fucking a gangster. She's a gangster She's awesome. And and Adam said how did you get how did that happen? And I go I watch what Joe did with you He was what I go Joe wanted you he's like you Joe's like I'm starting a club. I want that guy Yeah, and he said I'm paraphrasing tell me what you want. Cool. Let's do it I said the same thing to Victoria. I said tell me what you want. Cool. Let's do it You surround yourself by the motherfuckers and you are and you are golden and you walk in Lee and said last night Liam had a beautiful experience the comedy mothership She said him this morning. I feel like Austin hasn't been I have any of mine So you always go there by yourself and it's so cool Cuz she goes, you know every club I go to with you They know who I am and I just didn't think anyone would know me at the comedy mothership And then we stayed until three in the fucking morning. She goes, that's the coolest place She goes he did he hire everyone that's good and I went everyone he got everyone and that's the fucking model Fucking surround yourself by the motherfuckers Yeah, do it the right way to yeah, you're gonna do it and don't do it until you can do it the right way You know behind your time Take chances Take chances self-less lights. Yeah have some fun out in this wild world bird crash You're probably on episode like fucking three or something like that What episode was bird crash you're on? Late no, what was the story was number 95? The machine was number 95 what year was that? Can you tell me people is that's 2010 I Never I never would have told what a wild thing How do all the things that have emerged from the podcast? This has got to be the most Proposters 73 might have been your first one 73 is when I told the Tracy Morgan story. That was January Tracy I'm so sorry 2013 On this this is no, that's what somebody else. Okay, either way It was a long ass time ago if you would have told me Did you tell me that story on the podcast would not just become like a part of your act You have to tell every time would also become a fucking movie. That's about to come out. I Was said what? Yeah, it's gonna be like the number one movie in the country. What are you talking about? That story on this fucking show we did in a bedroom in my house. How is this possible? How is it possible? That one was April 5th 2011 2011 Dude, that's when you told it April is my fucking month Wow April's my fucking month What a crazy fucking story the Rolling Stone magazine came out April 1st and for someone to try to like take that story and say Do you support the mafia? Are you part of robbing if your friends are giving you like what is your you try and play gotcha journalism? How many dorks did you have to talk to when you did this? This look at young Bert. Look at you. Look at your own with a beard black beard. Mmm back in the day, son This is about the time These bitches These people right now on Twitter They've been going crazy all day. Do not let Bert Kreischer get out of there without the Russian mob story Go find that online ladies and gentlemen because it's fucking amazing That story changed my life Joe that story changed my life. Hey, we all changed each other's lives like legitimately We really did we got a great thing going on. There's a lot of us. It's a lot of fun These shows have been amazing. That's there's such it's such a good time Everyone's podcast is thriving It's beautiful. Here's what I'll say. Keep the good time rolling. I'll tell you secret time more secret time if if if comedies do well in theater Their next summer your lineup is got Shane Gillis is in the movie theater Shane Gillis Tim Dylan your fit Mark Norman Fucking Tom Segura bur cry next like like support you if you go out and you spend your money to support live comedy Like we know our fans do yeah support it in the theaters Give our get us get our backs in the theaters to prove to the studios that our sense of humor is real and it translates yeah, and If you enjoy comedies like I do this there's only one way like this is the role of the dice This is it. They're taking a chance now. They're taking the chance and if this scores then the party keeps rolling It's but you got to go to the movie theaters, man You got to prove it in the movie theaters, and I know that's a selfish ask Why is it more important in the movie theaters than the amount of streams because out of buying on Apple? So the way a deal works once again I know I'll get in trouble for this the way the deal won't say it if you're gonna get no I don't care I want my movie to do well So the way a movie works is you get X amount of dollars 20 million dollars to make a movie I think we spent 20 million dollars 30 million dollars on the machine Okay, so if it goes in the movie theaters everyone gets to recoup their money when you go to a streamer They basically go what did you pay? Cool, we'll get break you even and we'll give a little extra, but you're not you don't get the big bucks That's coming to us and so if this movie does well everyone's got points on the back end So every extra dollar you make everyone that makes it starts making money all these people that go You know hey We should put this and this and do this comedy and make it soft they start realizing shit my money will make Fucking murdering a dude and blood all over the place like make fucking crazy comedies That'll make me money and then they'll start leaning into it and then there'll be a there's a bunch of people that'll go Let's go harder. Hey, uh Kurt Mancur. What's your idea? And that's and so like the in the movie theaters There's just more money to be made because it's it's it's a like like Bruce Willis when he did six cents He just took points. He didn't take any money So he made like hundreds of millions of dollars on the books So when these movies and once you break your budget once you break 30 million All of a sudden all that money starts flowing into the studios and the networks or the studios and and the production companies and they're like fuck Let's do that again And then we'll sell to the streamer and we'll make our money back and then we'll make it then some and we're making more money And the streamers are there. I was with partying with our boy the other night. He was like it. Let's Bring do great in the movie theaters then come to us and do even better because people watching repeat But it's got to do good in the movie theaters. You got movies are dying people aren't going out to movies They're only going out for the Avengers. That's it right now and so We really are a bill Hicks joke. We really are a bill. Thanks. Joke. We really we've turned into bill Hicks Yeah, it seems like that would be it sounds like a bill Hicks jokes. The only movie people go see is the Avengers It's the truth and That's not like a Hicks joke and and these fucking Movies if they do well in the theaters and all of a sudden these dudes were running these studios that have the the access to The big pockets that go I'm telling you right now the machine does well. I can I can guarantee you two things Mark my fucking words machine does well fat astronauts get screen lit on Monday and Tim Dylan's project gets green lit on Tuesday I can promise you that Tim Dylan is the hottest fucking commodity in Hollywood right now If I'm going on us with this be insider trading it should be Tim Dylan is the hottest commodity in Hollywood everyone fucking loves that guy and they're afraid to say it out loud Because the problematic he's a right-winger who knows what he's gonna do who's no crazy gay right winger everyone loves Tom Tim Dylan Shane Gillis I was sitting in a tent in Serbia with legendary watching fucking Gillian Kieves We're crying laughing. That's your next fucking that's your next movie star Shane Gillis is the best actor out of all of us out of all of us the best comedic actor around you don't need to Put him in an action comedy you go Shane Gillis What do you want to do his movie will be the biggest summer blockbuster of the fucking year mark my goddamn fucking words But they've got it. They've they've got a trust that they can make their money back and it's got to be made in the theaters I really don't business talk, but I hear what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah, it's like It's I get their point to I do it's your money. Hero movies is the easiest Yeah, right. They always win. I mean when we started podcasting we were like, yeah keep it small Let's make our money back And then guys like you started going I see the guys like people like Spotify like I see the I see the profit margin in This let's roll the dice now granted You're the same as me a little bit Chancy say some fucked up shit every now and then who knows where we're going You get a company like Spotify or a company like Netflix who stands behind what you stand say And they and they go we supports free speech You just got to let them know that the month because they do that because the money's coming in right the studios haven't seen the money Come in yet the studios need to be convinced the same way Netflix and Spotify have been convinced that free speech and comics talking wild and doing wild shit is Profitable and that our fans right here will go out to the movie theaters and then all of a sudden. I'm telling you It's a game changer. I bet it can happen You know really can and in that sense a lot of times if people like it But the critics hate it if certain critics hate it It actually is better because it makes people distrust distrust critics even more especially critics want hate stuff I haven't read one thing about the machine at all I mean there's critics that love certain films and but They hated his Ventura. They hated Rolly the Cisco Neubl Ebert they didn't hit it for the right reason They hated a venture they trashed it they trashed it why I mean wasn't the best movie in the world It was go back watch is pretty best moves pretty fucking great. It's okay I mean, I don't know it's hard watching old comedies like you try to watch porkies. Yeah, it's a big old rape But yeah, but then then you'll get stepbrothers stepbrothers is it is there a vice shot I leave that in there porkies is no I mean I've watched I have a VHS tape of it airing on like public normal TV like yeah See it late at night, and they have all the bad shit when quotes edited out. Oh my god It's just the nudity said it it out. So that's it. Holy shit Yeah, I was that nice. Yeah, it was from the 90s. Just got all that was a crazy movie, right? Yeah, what happened in that movie dick in a hole shower to the girls locker room like someone jacked me off Jesus and the teacher comes and grabs it. Oh my god But what why was that okay then like why were these movies okay? I don't know Fucking thirty million dollars that movie's gonna be fucking insane. Yeah, it's interesting As the truth man we proved it in podcasting we did yeah, we proved it on the internet I mean look at look at how many guys look at what you you know what Gillian cubes did offline like Like when he released it when they released it to the fan base said hey here pay this right did fucking bananas numbers bananas I'm sure people want shake Gillis is a gangster people forget how that he's a fucking businessman, too He is a gangster. I will get into the weeds about this all day long privately probably like they did great money and And then and then they're like, oh cool get to make a cool thing and our fans love it That's all people got to know in this in Hollywood. That's what we see case doing. Yeah Big example exactly. Yeah selling all of it on his website Putting all his movies there his television show Bobby Kelly special did fantastic Joe list movie did fantastic. Yeah, he's putting money out. He's Joey Louie is Sony or legendary he's just doing it all in the house and going like I know all I hire all the people I got a line Producer let's just make it will sell a direct-to-consumer and it can just continue to grow There's no ceiling on the the potential for more people to find out about what he's doing online Louie Yeah, oh he's I mean he's very interesting. He's he's like you you know He's been good for comedy. Yeah, he's been good for comedy cuz you know, he helped me a lot with the design of the place No, yeah. Yeah. I took a couple pieces of advice from it's very good advice in the smaller room The stage was too large. He's like, why is the stage so big? I'm like why is the stage so big because I think the stage should be about four feet shorter on each side. I was like Here we could do that. Okay, and he's like in the ceiling. Can you make it lower? And I'm like, yeah, we can make it lower. It was already low. It's a great fucking room. How low is that ceiling? I mean, it's pretty fucking low. It feels good. Doesn't feel you're you like intimate It's boxed in with those folks. It reminds you the old-school New York days where you can put your hand on the ceiling Yeah, those kind of clubs So he had that that was his suggestion there to make the stage smaller in the little room and make the ceiling even lower So we did that and then in the next room The ceiling we lowered the ceiling That was his other suggestion too And then he had some good suggestions about soundproofing because I think a lot of comedians I'd like the sound of the echo because it makes loud laughs louder, but it also makes it more difficult to people to understand What you're saying? It's harder because it's like echoey like at the Vulcan. It was a little echoey It was great when you were killing right because the laughs are so loud. Yeah, but Some parts of the room and you're getting like sound bouncing off of a bunch of shit You won't you miss subtle things you miss certain things so he was like, you know, you gotta make sure that everything's like soft and the sound is like Everything soundproofed we did that when this last tour we were doing arenas and I upgraded my package to have like Like a legit lighting package and legit sound brought in and it changed those arenas It's game changer like this. I remember saying is the first person did I go you're gonna fall in love with the sound of this It's not just you're set up an arena and it's whatever sound they have It's it's like it's like they do this whole presentation before to dial in the exact sound points And it is it sounds like you're in a comedy club So is this worth it to you to do when because you're doing so many shows so it's easy just they come with you They travel with you. Yeah pay One point seven no, I like this I like this I like the inside baseball Yeah, okay pick one point seven for a lighting package and a team. Mmm and so it comes with like a it's an all-over budget and You bring your own stage with you. I told Shayna mark we did whatever the arena in in Tempe for the Super Bowl We did four shows and I said I and I paid extra to bring the sound package out I wanted them to experience it Shane Gillis is the person I told him I said you're gonna because he was nervous about doing arenas cuz he had done arenas and they sound echoey I said, where do you hear my sound package? Where do you see my pack like my lighting package all of it? You're gonna really love it because I paid extra for it. I want the show to feel I want you to if you're paying to see me an arena I want you to know that I am appreciative of that dollar and I'm gonna put money back into the show I'm not gonna do some cash grab and Cut to birds doing show by candlelight Louise And so dope that would be Candlelight show that would be trust the audience with candles Anybody could just buy a lighter it's kind of crazy how few fires really are Just people are so stupid. I think about that all the time I think about that how many how few car accidents there are like people are so goofy It's kind of amazing that most days Wow, dude, that's pretty amazing. Oh, you should see me walk out on stage man Look at you I paid extra money so that my entrance has a little bit of spark a little bit of razzle dazzle to it a little bit of razzle a little bit of razzle dazzle and And I think it pays off. I think as an audience member you appreciate it for sure And I think but you're right when the sound is so important sounds everything So for this club, it does like we made sure we just everything my only note, please If you're gonna have Joey Diaz's weed around now, you gotta take that clock off the little boy Ha ha I was on stage last night I got high with you right before I went on stage on the late show I never get high before I go on stage I have but I don't usually because I'm afraid of like rightly so and I was Riffing and fucking rolling and I was like nice and I looked up and the clock was at four minutes And I went I've only done four minutes. How long did you think you were on for? I thought I was on for 30 minutes And I was like, we didn't move that clock and then I said it I kept messing around and I looked and it was four Minutes and 40 seconds and I was like, oh god Someone needs to close the clock and and then so you started freaking out thinking about cuz I was like Cuz you know how sometimes you get high time goes a little slower and I was like, oh my god I'm in my head and then I just I knew Leanne was in the room I knew I could like fuck with her if I needed to like and I could get myself out of anything Right and I was like just enjoy this enjoy this let your brain think weird let your brain think weird and talk weird and and and I saw the chick in the front row had a Weird purse that the same person next to him had and I went other phones were locked up. I Can say whatever the fuck I want. Oh, you didn't know I didn't know and I fucking Started going like and I and I had last night my second show was one of the best shows I've had Well definitely in 2023 without a doubt and I would argue other than when I did the other room which was a fucking really a Magic show that was a fucking magic show that might been but the best time I've ever had on stage last night I fixed two jokes I've always wanted to tell Always want to tell watching dude get struck by lightning and beating any Asian in a foot race I did both those jokes and they worked and I walked out and I was like god damn it that room special I'm back Monday To do Tommy we're doing two bears Monday and Tuesday and I was in the shower I was like I want to do little boy again if they're over Monday I want to do little boy that that was a fun fucking room. It's a fun fucking room Monday is an open mic night Yeah, we you know we can figure out anything But it's it's a there's a weird Vibe of the place the place has a vibe because there's so many like-minded people that are that are in there that are just really just trying to get better at comedy and There's so many of them that just like the place. It's like there's a vibe in the building You know and it the audience is so appreciative. They're real comedy fans. Oh, dude the guy last night It's incredible. I said I'm back Monday and this dude just goes Texas loves you Bert and you're like Oh, man, that's what you want to hear in love. Oh, well. You want to hear that. Why wouldn't you want to hear that? Yeah, Texas loves you Bert. Let's wrap this bitch up. I love the machine. I love you, too Congratulations, I know it's gonna be the number one movie in America or we're all communists From your mouth to God's ears literally okay Anything else? 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