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Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comic, podcaster, and actor. He's the host of "The Bertcast" podcast and YouTube cooking program "Something's Burning." He's also the co-host of the "2 Bears, 1 Cave" podcast with fellow comedian Tom Segura. Watch his latest special, "Bert Kreischer: Razzle Dazzle," on Netflix. www.bertbertbert.com
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This movie was gonna sit on the fucking shelf. Joe, you've done so much for me. Do it for Joe, guys. Do it for Joe. Do it for me. Prove that he's the motherfucker. Wow, I just think it's a funny fucking movie, man. It's a good movie. It's an action. It's gonna be fun. It's a big action comedy that needs to be seen on the big screen. And I think people will be surprised at how fun this movie is. It's just fucking fun. And I've been fucking up, I was telling you, I've been fucking up promotion for it because I'm way too honest. I'm not an actor. I'm just like, what are the kissing scenes like? And I'm like, rough. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. We have one kissing scene. I didn't know there was kissing scenes in the movie because I don't read the action. When I read the scripts, I just read the dialogue. So I don't read, hey, Bert comes back, kisses his wife, and knocks her off her feet. I just go, oh, Leanne was in Serbia. And they were like, hey, you have a kissing scene today? I was like, what? And they're like, yeah, you're your wife. And I was like, shut the fuck up. I was like, is that cool? And Leanne's like, yeah, you're an actor. I was like, yeah, but I mean, cheated on you ever. I haven't kissed someone in 20 fucking years. She was like, it's just acting. And I was like, okay. All I'll say is the pants I was wearing were loose fitting. And I don't wear underwear. Oh, Bert. We did one take. And I was like, costume change, please. They're like, what? I was like, I need to change my pants. I guess I'm not an actor. I'm just a regular dude. Oh, my goodness, Bert. They're like, huh? And I was like, I don't know what the fuck you're supposed to do. You're supposed to kiss someone and then just, like, how the fuck does that work? You ever kiss someone? Your body doesn't know that it's just acting. No. No. No. How could it? Yeah. I did the first kiss. My wife, Stephanie, is cool as fuck. By the way, I've talked with her. And we've talked about this a number of times. And she goes, we did the first kiss. And I'm like, I don't know. I'm just like, you know. And she's like, hey, you know, really go for it. Like, really go for it. And I was like, okay. Really go for it. And I was like, for real? She said, yeah, like, try to, like, knock me off my feet. Like, kiss me. So I was like, okay. I'm not thinking about it. I'm not fucking. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Walk up. Whoo. And as soon as, and then she kissed back and I was like, what the fuck is happening? This is different. Holy shit. And then I'm like, costume change. I need tape. I need tape. Hey, someone get me ice. Are you allowed to talk about that? You're not supposed to. You're supposed to say, like, you're supposed to say, here, ask me what the kissing scene was like. What was the kissing scene like? You know, it was good. It was, I would say it's just acting. It's just acting. It's what we do as actors. Okay. Which is true. Yeah. Well, it is for some people, but it's also a fucking hardcore lie. It's also why Brad Pitt fucked Angelina Jolie. It's because you make out with her a couple of times. You're like, that was fucking nice. I wonder what it's like. And then you're laying in bed going, hmm, hmm. And Jennifer Aniston's texting you like, pass, pass. Like, fucking Leanne, we did the kissing scene all day. I kissed this woman for like 30 minutes, 35 minutes. Kissed her. Like, got comfortable kissing her. And then we got in bed in Serbia and Leanne's like, hey, you want to, I was like, beat it, scissor lips. It's like, I'm fucking, I'll come back to you when I need to. Oh, how rude. My wife's got good sense of humor. I hope so. Yeah. The whole fucking, I mean, the whole movie in general was like, I was not coming. I ripped my fucking arm. I blew my arm out, but. What is it like to have a story get turned into a movie? That's got to be weird as fuck. Like a story that like you kind of have to tell now. Like if you do a show, if you do a show and you don't tell the machine story, people will get angry. Oh, they did it when last time I was here. We were up here and they started chanting the machines. And I was like, guys, I'm at the comedy mothership. I'm just at an hour 15. And that was the best. That was one of the cool. That's the coolest thing about that goddamn club is I see fucking Ron up in the top and I go, I'll tell, I'll tell the machine if Ron comes down and tells tater salad and the place is like wrong whites here. And then Ron's like, fuck it. I'm coming down. Ron White comes on stage, tells tater salad. I go to tell the machine and realize I can't follow tater salad. The best story ever told. So it's a real having your movie, your life turned into a movie. It's surreal. It is like it was emotional at times. And then it's and then it's weird because you feel I feel very vulnerable, you know, like because some of the questions people ask, they're like they're not they don't they like they put teeth in it. They're like, so you rob people and you're like, Jesus Christ. So you approve of the mafia does you're like into the mafia. And I'm like, hey, man, can we not make it so real? Like you're keeping your eyes open while we kiss. Let's fucking just make it regular. Like good morning America. So they got upset with the premise. They were just like they like they they read half of it and then they're like, so you're in the mafia and you're like, no, it's a little more complex. But you like got welcomed into the mafia and you're like, yeah, like that kind of it's better when you hear the whole story. I think I tell it a little different. And they're like, and you robbed your friends. Are they cool with you now? And I'm like, yeah, yeah. And they're coming to the premiere like fucking Jesus Christ. Let's can we move to the next object? I don't believe in vaccines. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's been it's been interesting. It's been fun. I'll tell you what's been really fun is finding out just how wide this story has reached. Like I didn't expect certain people to be like fans of mine. And I know that sounds bad, but like you're always like when you look at your audiences, they are my audience kind of looks like the same one thing. Guys that have chicks that are hotter than they deserve. They all have beards. They're all a little overweight. Like that's my fan base. I like I literally go, hey, man, I can tell you the sponsors I can get from my tour. Lipitor would be a good sponsor. Some blood pressure medicine, some beard trimmers. Not Lipitor. I know we're talking about statins. But but like I know like I know my fan base and then you get like dudes who are like, I fucking love you and like like big boy from big boys neighborhood. I was like, you know who I am. He's like, yeah, why wouldn't I? I was like, I don't know. I just didn't think you know, like Nori from Drink Champs. He's like, dude, I'm the biggest. I told my wife we got my favorite comedian coming on and she's like, you mean the big fat white guy with the takes his shirt off. And you're like, wait, when you're younger, you try so hard to appeal to all demographics almost like you want. It's like fake. And then once you're yourself, you're truly yourself. That's when you appeal. That's when you're the most appealing. That makes sense. It does make sense. Yeah, because it's hard to do. It's hard to do publicly. Yeah, it's hard to be, you know, yourself publicly, especially when you're promoting a movie about yourself to be yourself publicly. You start understanding like Joaquin Phoenix. Oh, my God. For sure. You start going like, yeah, I don't want to like like secret time. I said, well, this will air this all. It'll be fine. The premiere is tomorrow. I'm flying back tonight for the premiere. The premiere list is fucking thick. It's fucking thick. It's got fucking it's like it's my algorithm. It's Snoop Dogg porn stars and fucking radio DJs. Couple pro surfers. It's my algorithm. My watch dealer. Mark Hamill was like, are you going to stay and watch the movie? And I was like, are we not supposed to? He was like, I'm not going to watch myself on screen. And I was like, why? And he was like, oh, are you being serious? He's like, you want to just sit in front of 750 people and watch yourself? I was like, hey, Mark, secret time. I'm going to cry watching myself. I'm going to cry and I'm going to mouth my lines. I did that when we did the first testing of the movie. They sat me in the front row. I had two bottles of wine. I sat with Leanne. I had a notebook. I was supposed to write things in for notes. The movie starts and I start bawling crying. I start bawling crying and I start mouthing my lines. I'm laughing hysterically. I'm like, I loved watching me more than a narcissist would ever like. It was like the craziest thing. So we go to the next screening and K.L., our producer, pulls me aside and he goes, I'm going to ask you to sit in the back. I said, what? And he goes, it kind of affects the way people watch the movie. So what do you mean? He goes, I don't know if they're fucking crying like it's Cape Fear but gay. He goes, fucking sit in the back. So I had legs tied by the side of the back. But I get emotional watching the movie because I feel like I'm watching a highlight reel. Like I remember doing all these things and now they're all cool. And so I was like, I don't know. I guess. I don't know. I think I'll watch the movie. I guess I would.The Joe Rogan experience. This movie was gonna sit on the fucking shelf. Joe, you've done so much for me. Do it for Joe, guys. Do it for Joe. Do it for me. Prove that he's the motherfucker. Wow, I just think it's a funny fucking movie, man. It's a good movie. It's an action. It's gonna be fun. It's a big action comedy that needs to be seen on the big screen. And I think people will be surprised at how fun this movie is. It's just fucking fun. And I've been fucking up, I was telling you, I've been fucking up promotion for it because I'm way too honest. I'm not an actor. I'm just like, what are the kissing scenes like? And I'm like, rough. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. We have one kissing scene. I didn't know there was kissing scenes in the movie because I don't read the action. When I read the scripts, I just read the dialogue. So I don't read, hey, Bert comes back, kisses his wife, and knocks her off her feet. I just go, oh, Leanne was in Serbia. And they were like, hey, you have a kissing scene today? I was like, what? And they're like, yeah, you're your wife. And I was like, shut the fuck up. I was like, is that cool? And Leanne's like, yeah, you're an actor. I was like, yeah, but I mean, cheated on you ever. I haven't kissed someone in 20 fucking years. She was like, it's just acting. And I was like, okay. All I'll say is the pants I was wearing were loose fitting. And I don't wear underwear. Oh, Bert. We did one take. And I was like, costume change, please. They're like, what? I was like, I need to change my pants. I guess I'm not an actor. I'm just a regular dude. Oh, my goodness, Bert. They're like, huh? And I was like, I don't know what the fuck you're supposed to do. You're supposed to kiss someone and then just, like, how the fuck does that work? You ever kiss someone? Your body doesn't know that it's just acting. No. No. No. How could it? Yeah. I did the first kiss. My wife, Stephanie, is cool as fuck. By the way, I've talked with her. And we've talked about this a number of times. And she goes, we did the first kiss. And I'm like, I don't know. I'm just like, you know. And she's like, hey, you know, really go for it. Like, really go for it. And I was like, okay. Really go for it. And I was like, for real? She said, yeah, like, try to, like, knock me off my feet. Like, kiss me. So I was like, okay. I'm not thinking about it. I'm not fucking. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Walk up. Whoo. And as soon as, and then she kissed back and I was like, what the fuck is happening? This is different. Holy shit. And then I'm like, costume change. I need tape. I need tape. Hey, someone get me ice. Are you allowed to talk about that? You're not supposed to. You're supposed to say, like, you're supposed to say, here, ask me what the kissing scene was like. What was the kissing scene like? You know, it was good. It was, I would say it's just acting. It's just acting. It's what we do as actors. Okay. Which is true. Yeah. Well, it is for some people, but it's also a fucking hardcore lie. It's also why Brad Pitt fucked Angelina Jolie. It's because you make out with her a couple of times. You're like, that was fucking nice. I wonder what it's like. And then you're laying in bed going, hmm, hmm. And Jennifer Aniston's texting you like, pass, pass. Like, fucking Leanne, we did the kissing scene all day. I kissed this woman for like 30 minutes, 35 minutes. Kissed her. Like, got comfortable kissing her. And then we got in bed in Serbia and Leanne's like, hey, you want to, I was like, beat it, scissor lips. It's like, I'm fucking, I'll come back to you when I need to. Oh, how rude. My wife's got good sense of humor. I hope so. Yeah. The whole fucking, I mean, the whole movie in general was like, I was not coming. I ripped my fucking arm. I blew my arm out, but. What is it like to have a story get turned into a movie? That's got to be weird as fuck. Like a story that like you kind of have to tell now. Like if you do a show, if you do a show and you don't tell the machine story, people will get angry. Oh, they did it when last time I was here. We were up here and they started chanting the machines. And I was like, guys, I'm at the comedy mothership. I'm just at an hour 15. And that was the best. That was one of the cool. That's the coolest thing about that goddamn club is I see fucking Ron up in the top and I go, I'll tell, I'll tell the machine if Ron comes down and tells tater salad and the place is like wrong whites here. And then Ron's like, fuck it. I'm coming down. Ron White comes on stage, tells tater salad. I go to tell the machine and realize I can't follow tater salad. The best story ever told. So it's a real having your movie, your life turned into a movie. It's surreal. It is like it was emotional at times. And then it's and then it's weird because you feel I feel very vulnerable, you know, like because some of the questions people ask, they're like they're not they don't they like they put teeth in it. They're like, so you rob people and you're like, Jesus Christ. So you approve of the mafia does you're like into the mafia. And I'm like, hey, man, can we not make it so real? Like you're keeping your eyes open while we kiss. Let's fucking just make it regular. Like good morning America. So they got upset with the premise. They were just like they like they they read half of it and then they're like, so you're in the mafia and you're like, no, it's a little more complex. But you like got welcomed into the mafia and you're like, yeah, like that kind of it's better when you hear the whole story. I think I tell it a little different. And they're like, and you robbed your friends. Are they cool with you now? And I'm like, yeah, yeah. And they're coming to the premiere like fucking Jesus Christ. Let's can we move to the next object? I don't believe in vaccines. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's been it's been interesting. It's been fun. I'll tell you what's been really fun is finding out just how wide this story has reached. Like I didn't expect certain people to be like fans of mine. And I know that sounds bad, but like you're always like when you look at your audiences, they are my audience kind of looks like the same one thing. Guys that have chicks that are hotter than they deserve. They all have beards. They're all a little overweight. Like that's my fan base. I like I literally go, hey, man, I can tell you the sponsors I can get from my tour. Lipitor would be a good sponsor. Some blood pressure medicine, some beard trimmers. Not Lipitor. I know we're talking about statins. But but like I know like I know my fan base and then you get like dudes who are like, I fucking love you and like like big boy from big boys neighborhood. I was like, you know who I am. He's like, yeah, why wouldn't I? I was like, I don't know. I just didn't think you know, like Nori from Drink Champs. He's like, dude, I'm the biggest. I told my wife we got my favorite comedian coming on and she's like, you mean the big fat white guy with the takes his shirt off. And you're like, wait, when you're younger, you try so hard to appeal to all demographics almost like you want. It's like fake. And then once you're yourself, you're truly yourself. That's when you appeal. That's when you're the most appealing. That makes sense. It does make sense. Yeah, because it's hard to do. It's hard to do publicly. Yeah, it's hard to be, you know, yourself publicly, especially when you're promoting a movie about yourself to be yourself publicly. You start understanding like Joaquin Phoenix. Oh, my God. For sure. You start going like, yeah, I don't want to like like secret time. I said, well, this will air this all. It'll be fine. The premiere is tomorrow. I'm flying back tonight for the premiere. The premiere list is fucking thick. It's fucking thick. It's got fucking it's like it's my algorithm. It's Snoop Dogg porn stars and fucking radio DJs. Couple pro surfers. It's my algorithm. My watch dealer. Mark Hamill was like, are you going to stay and watch the movie? And I was like, are we not supposed to? He was like, I'm not going to watch myself on screen. And I was like, why? And he was like, oh, are you being serious? He's like, you want to just sit in front of 750 people and watch yourself? I was like, hey, Mark, secret time. I'm going to cry watching myself. I'm going to cry and I'm going to mouth my lines. I did that when we did the first testing of the movie. They sat me in the front row. I had two bottles of wine. I sat with Leanne. I had a notebook. I was supposed to write things in for notes. The movie starts and I start bawling crying. I start bawling crying and I start mouthing my lines. I'm laughing hysterically. I'm like, I loved watching me more than a narcissist would ever like. It was like the craziest thing. So we go to the next screening and K.L., our producer, pulls me aside and he goes, I'm going to ask you to sit in the back. I said, what? And he goes, it kind of affects the way people watch the movie. So what do you mean? He goes, I don't know if they're fucking crying like it's Cape Fear but gay. He goes, fucking sit in the back. So I had legs tied by the side of the back. But I get emotional watching the movie because I feel like I'm watching a highlight reel. Like I remember doing all these things and now they're all cool. And so I was like, I don't know. I guess. I don't know. I think I'll watch the movie. I guess I would.