Theo Von is Hunting That Nocturnal Bust - Joe Rogan

Man, that's the most urine I've ever held, I think. Congratulations. How much can you hold? What kind of car you drive, Theo Vaughn? I drive a BMW. But I'm trying to get rid of it. Figured you more for a muscle car type fellow. Really? Yeah. I used to own a 1984 Ford Escort and somebody stole my passenger seat. God damn it. What are they going to do with a passenger seat? I don't know. Probably put in the living room, I would guess, at the time. Put in the forest and jerk off. Yeah, they go on, bro. Dude, how much comes out in the fucking forest, bro? A lot. A lot. That's where the next, no wonder swamp thing happened. Well, I was thinking this once. They found out that in some plants, some plants contain DNA from salmon because the salmon were used as fertilizer by the plant as it decomposed. It got into the actual plant itself and you can actually somehow or another through some scientific process that I'm too stupid to understand, they can actually detect salmon in the actual plant itself. We're close. So if you were whacking off on that tree, and that tree, it's every day that's your spot. You went down to that titty tree and whacked off on the roots. Yeah. And then like after a while, you did an analysis and you found your DNA in the tree itself. Hell yeah. Can you imagine? Oh, it'd be great, man. If it maintains the information of everything that whacked off on it. You have a little sun made out of wood one day? You had a kid in our town. One time this guy made his son a wooden shirt. Did I tell you that? A wooden shirt? Yeah. He made his son a shirt out of plywood for Christmas. What? Yeah. He wanted the kid to wear it? Oh, yeah, he did. And I remember I was... Wait a minute. Is it a stiff shirt or is it you make it like little itty bitty tiny pieces of plywood and weave it all together? Oh, no, it was pretty stiff. And the dad was a Elvis impersonator, you know? The dad was an Elvis impersonator at a casino or did he do it at carnivals? No, just locally. Oh. But we didn't even need him. No money in that? No, no money in it. Really, I think he was probably an alcoholic. But he had four kids and one of them he made... I was walking home one night and I heard him in the garage and he's making a sun for Christmas, like a wooden shirt, like a... You know, there you go. Oh, like that? Oh, not as nice. That one is nice. Wooden shirt. Yeah, can you get more? Oh, but that's like a sculpture. Yeah, that's nice. Can you get one more that's like... Like if you go over someone's house and they have a wooden shirt on a hanger, like, and they think that's cute, just leave. No. These people are assholes. Now, this kid needed it because people used to beat this kid up. Is that salmon? Sculpture, yeah. He had a framed wooden shirt. That looks like salmon. People used to beat him up because of his wooden shirt. No, people used to beat him up anyway on the bus. Well, the wooden shirt would protect you from a lot of shots. Is that the idea? And it helped. He didn't wear that wooden shirt. You better shut the fuck up. I swear to God he did. That kid's not walking around with wood over his body like that. Not today. You know how heavy that would be? Yeah. Was it pads inside of it? It looked heavy. Fuck no, dude. Who do you think his dad is? Estee Lauder? What's going on with the t-shirt? Yeah, see, there's some lady wearing something there. But this was early. You look up teak. That girl needs way too much attention. Yeah. Look at her posing, pretending to be aloof, short hair, by the ocean, wearing a wooden shirt. How about a big no? That's a big no from me. Hey, do you want to meet my friend Michelle? She's channeling with her fucking geometrically patterned wooden shirt on. What? No, I like regular people. This kid's name was Eddie. Can you look up teak? What does teak look like? You imagine if someone was trying to set you up with that gal, you'd be like, well, I'm torn because obviously she's very pretty. Are you sure she's not crazy? Yeah. If you're a super desperate. She might have splinters in her tits. I'm out. Dude, it was one photo shoot. She doesn't wear that. Yeah. Except when she worships the ocean. I don't like that. Now that's something a little more malleable, teak or something like that. What other kind of wood do they have? All over print shirt. Now we're talking. Let's click on that. Yeah, that's just a print. Yeah. So it was like that, but a little bit more, but more real. And he wore this for what reason? I get out. I section like a chest plate, like a, like a Roman soldier type. I would say like that. Okay. Was it like, how was it connected on the waist on the sides? Rather? It was just kind of like a long square. It was almost like a kind of a cereal box kind of. Where did he put his arms? Like rest his arms on the side in the side. Yeah. Fuck your armpits up. Oh, it's limiting. I mean, look, man, these weren't, I mean the man that made it, not a real. You can't do that. Some people would find out. They would call him out. Well, yeah, dude, when I was young, you could do anything you wanted to, you know, people were, people were, I don't know, it was just more fun. Use your imagination more when I was young, you had more fun. How many kids you see beaten when you were a kid? People used to beat their kids. Oh yeah. Probably like at least 20, I bet. Oh yeah. But people would fight in the street, beat their kids. Yeah. Yeah. You see people beat people up. It's way more common, but I guess it's maybe we've moved out of those areas too. That's true. People back in those areas are like, bro, I'm on the front line. Shit's still going down. Come on. That's true, dude. Dude, I, yeah, we used to see people fight, man. I saw this old man get thrown into a fire. One time in a ditch fire, there were people were burning leaves, threw them right in. This guy was in his eighties too, Mr. Polito. Oh my God. Why'd they throw him in a ditch? He was fighting a bus driver. He was fighting our bus driver and, uh, the bus driver threw him in a ditch. Yeah. I don't know why. Why was he swinging on the bus driver? I don't know. Whose fault was it? Both of them. I mean, one of them, you know, they were both adults. I mean, look, man, I'm not surprised they were doing it. Oh. You know? Questionable humans. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you saw them, you wouldn't be shocked. They were fist fighting. Right. Like what do you do with people like that? Once universal basic income rolls around and there's some stupid people that just ain't getting any better. Basic needs met. Okay. So then after that, after you do a couple of years of universal basic income, then what do you do? Wolves in the woods. Yeah. Let wolves loose. You got to thin the herd. Some fame, man. Got some dude out there jerking off, thinking he's pretty cute, hanging out behind a bush. He just turns. He's six wolves. Look at that. And they just know what to do. Take his ass out. Well, you think a wolf would attack you while you were jerking off or no? Snack, snack, snack. Fuck yeah. You're all pink. Everything's pink. Pink ass, pink dick. Looks delicious. When you're wearing clothes, it's like, can I eat that? I guess I can eat that. I got to get through all that fucking bullshit plywood t-shirt. Yeah. Once I get through that, I'll eat the fuck out of that dude. But if they catch you out there with just all pink, oh yeah, they'll eat the fuck out of you. Yeah. Yeah. I hope I don't do anything bad like that in any of them see me. You know, I don't want to be having that kind of ending. You get in by an animal. Well, listen, I'm going to say right now, I don't think that you're going to be jerking off in the woods and eaten by a wolf. I might be wrong. Yeah. But I would say that's not how you're going to go. Thanks, man. I like that. I just don't see that in you, bro. I see better things for you. I like your attitude. I'm getting in by a pack of wolves naked, your pecker in your hand. Imagine if like you were about to come and the first wolf built your calf, and you're like, look, they're going to get me anyway. I'm going to just keep going. Finish it off. I'd be on the edge. Oh yeah. And maybe the bite and the pain, because you're about to come, just makes you a rocket. Oh yeah. You bust like a fire hose. And you get more than usual. Yeah. And you're like, wow, at least I died with my biggest load ever. Take that! That's the one thing you've always been disappointed by, right? Is the sheer volume of your loads. Well, it's not much. If you look at it, look at it next time. Take zinc and magnesium. Really? Yeah, allegedly. Egg whites. I do have zinc at the house, actually. Zinc's supposed to be good for raising testosterone. Magnesium as well. Oh, I want that bus, bro. I want that bus at the neighbor's. The more you save it up, too. Oh yeah. You gather up more. But I like to do that nocturne. I want to ride. I want that dream bus that used to get. You want to ride, ride the tiger. Super bus. Yeah, bro. Super bus. Dude, I want that dream bus. Remember when you would bust in a dream? Mm, those don't happen anymore. But they can if you search for it, if you seek it out. Yeah, but you have to not beat off for a long time to the point where your body's like, this dumb motherfucker can't even jerk off. I'm just going to have to jerk off for him while he's unconscious. Yes. Your brain fucking jerks you all while you're asleep, bro. But do you think that you're learning things while you're dreaming? Because some people think you learn things when you're dreaming. I think that'll be one of the next hurdles that we get over where people are able to be able to take in information while they're asleep. Well, this is what I mean. Like they say, if you have a problem, if something's bothering you, you should sleep on it. And when you wake up in the morning, you'll have a clear perspective. I believe that. Yeah, I think so, too. I think that's real. Because I've done that before. That seems to actually be a good strategy if you can go to sleep. The problem is if something's really bothering you, like, damn, we're going to figure this out. Like you might stay up all night and be exhausted, and then you might not be able to sleep and think through it. You got to get a higher power to help you out, man. Yeah. So you got to take where a higher power comes into place. Do you think you see yourself ever going to church again? Yeah, I would think so. I think church is kind of evolving over our time and stuff like that. Would you go to Justin Bieber's preacher? Carl Lentz. You know who he is? He texted me, actually. Whoa. He's trying to groom you. He's trying to pull you in. Is he a dark arts? How low do you wear your shorts? Huh? Oh, I saw you guys make up fun of this root. Dick root. Yeah, that was a little wild, huh? So you know him? I've never met him. No, you just text each other back and forth. Yeah, we communicate sometimes. Yeah, that's that root. Hashtag dick root. And he... Looks good. Yeah, they're both pretty attractive, I think. It's got camel shorts. It's camel shorts. It's camel shorts? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I've never met him. But I would go to... He just texts each other. Yeah. He just tries to meet you and you're like, not tonight, bro. No. You think he's homoerotic? No. Oh. No. That's a weird way of putting it. Oh. I think you're homoerotic. What? Bro, you're homoerotic, too. Bro, you're homoerotic, too. You always... Every time I'm here, you talk about jerking off the magical hat we almost wore. What about that? The problem is you came in here with gay expectations. No, I got nothing, dude. I jerked off yesterday. I'm not even planning on coming again for a couple days. Do you have a time where if you've jerked off and it's been four days, man, maybe I should do something. Oh, I get that feeling inside of me. It's like a vulture that wants to fly out of my fucking dick or my brain. You don't want to be too sex obsessed. No. There's a balance, right? You don't want to beat off every day. No. But you don't want to not beat off either because then it'll consume you. But I think I'm going to start hunting that dream. Dude, I want that fucking nocturnal bust. Dude, I'm going to start a group. I'm hunting that dream. The L&Bs, bro. Those late night busters, brothers. Dream. Dude, how funny is that expression? I'm hunting that dream. Yeah. I want that nocturnal bust. That's what I want. Hunting the dream. But, dude, imagine you fucking are just like...