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Theo Von is a stand-up comic and podcaster. He is the host of "This Past Weekend with Theo Von." www.theovon.com
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You Imagine if anything could get anything pregnant. Yeah, a new combination was born turtle people, too That's what's next koi people some dude fucked a koi. Yeah busts into that koi palm Knocked that coin imagine you're out there throwing bread on your koi pond like hey hey hey it has legs What the fuck man somebody fuck one of these fish? People see you at the pet store shopping and they're like whoa this guy's shady as fuck Imagine if Ari fucked it and it came out and we knew it because that Ari's nose Yeah, so it's like Ari's nose on a koi fish with legs and it comes out. You're like Ari what? What do you care? But if you had to make love to an animal what would it be if you think you had to go in there? Probably something I could brag about Yeah, what if you had gay sex with an animal which animal would it be? That's not gay to fucking animal bro. It's not I don't think that applies to your fucking an animal that's more important if it's a like a male gorilla I think it's both. Oh dude Gay and bestiality well you would never buy a beer again you put you want to break the internet You put a fucking video of me sneaking up on a cheetah Yeah, and fucking it well get a wrap in a noose around its neck, and you're banging it while it's clawing on you No, I'm talking about putting on some Eddie Laverde or some Gerald Laverde and playing some sweet music and just like a lady in there I do it. How you plan on holding it in place while that's all happening. I think if you're good enough and gentle enough It'll stay Wow, I love to look at the world through your eyes Right to the hospital Whatever medication we're on we gotta change it. We gotta fix this bro. You should meet yourself then, bro You are extra terrestrial