She Thought She Was Rescuing a Centipede... It Wasn't

Did you know that PETA kills thousands of dogs? That's what I've heard. Any time I post anything about PETA, I have a bunch of people saying they're the worst. Well, they're not the worst, but what they are is, the origins of PETA is the Animal Liberation Organization. The origins of PETA, the people that originally found the PETA, believe that all animals, including pets, should be free. They don't believe in domesticated animals. Okay, well, that's... That's preposterous. Look at that dog out there. He's having a great old time. Being a pet is the best... I've actually said if I could be reincarnated, it would be a rich person's golden retriever. I've said that. I didn't realize your dog is what I want to come back as. It's the best life. The best life. That dog is only known love. What stress happens in that dog's life? Occasionally, he can't go out. Like if I'm injured or something like that, and he can't run for weeks at a time, he gets bummed out. But PETA kills animals because they think that their policy is that you're more free to be dead than you are. I don't know. I don't want to put words in their mouth. I think that's it. They definitely kill animals. But they kill them quick. That's the thing. They're not out there trying to find owners for them. That's the knock on them. The animal liberation organization. They've broken into... They're the type of people that break into fucking supermarkets and release the lobsters back to the ocean. Be free. Be free, my lobster friend. I'm into it, Joe. Are you? I'm into it. I'm a total vegan. I know you are. Bleeding heart. Yeah, I know you are. But those lobsters have always made me so sad. Why? They're bugs. Do you swat mosquitoes? I rarely kill bugs. When mosquitoes are fucking you up, you just let them. Please divinely eat me. Drink of my blood. You are me. I am you. And if you give me malaria, then so be it. I just... Okay, maybe not. I'm not crazy. Okay. I've come over to your house. Your house is filled with roaches. I hand you bug spray. Do you use it? Yes. Because roaches... Roaches can fuck off. Although I did have an instance, and this is true. I was in the shower and I was... I get really vegan and really when I'm depressed, I get more vegan than ever. It's like what throws me into it. I'm just feeling too much. And then I feel for every animal and it just gets out of control. So if I'm ever going off about vegan propaganda on my Instagram, someone should check in on me. I'm not doing well. Okay. I'll call you. I'm in a dark place. Yes. I'll call you. And one day I was in the shower and there was a dying house centipede, like drowning. The grossest bug known to man. Like it's... They're half centipede, half spider. They're disgusting. I don't hate anything more than that creature. And I was like, you know what? I can't kill it. I want to save it and just take it outside and I'll tell my vegan friends. I'll be such a good vegan today. So I got out of the shower and you know when you get out of the shower and you think you're just like... You don't need a towel. I'm just going to grab something and you traipse a lazy river throughout your house. I made a huge mess. Get a paper towel, come back and pick it up. And I'm so scared to do it. And I'm so proud of myself too. I can't wait to fucking tell the vegans. And I open it up. And I'm so scared because I want to see if it's still alive. And it was a clump of pubes. It wasn't even. Oh. Yeah. So I... But which looks exactly like mine. Who's pubes? Your pubes are that dark? I... Yeah, dude. Yeah. This is all bottle. It's a bottle? A bottle. Yeah. I mean, they're not like dark, dark, but centipedes, how centipedes are like blonde? They're kind of like dirty block. You know that hair bleach is not vegan, right? It's a sinten. I'm making that up, by the way. I don't even know if it is. It's probably not, man. I know there's something on my face right now. When I said that, you were like, oh shit.