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Joey Diaz is a stand-up comic and New York Times bestselling author. He's the host of the podcast "Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz," co-host of "The Check-In" with Lee Syatt, and author of "Tremendous: The Life of a Comedy Savage." www.joeydiaz.net
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Have you seen it running an ad? Have you been molested by a boy scout? Or a fucking priest? Call this number, it's never too late. Blah blah blah blah blah blah. You know, now you gotta- They paid out 3 billion? Mmhmm. 500 plus just in Los Angeles. Oh my god. 10 years ago. That was 10 years ago, so they might have a silver bang. It's just crazy that no one ever says, Hey, maybe this isn't really what God wants. Maybe- You know what I'm saying? I mean, the people that are in the church, the people that are believers, the people that love to dress up nice and go and behave kind and see all the people in the community at the church, there's a good feeling that people get from going to church. But the fact that it's connected to that is- It's so insane that it's still there. It's so insane that it hasn't been rooted out. That this is still a giant problem. And relatively few people are going to jail. Like, relatively few. Like, you know who they wanted? They wanted that- That ratzinger. That Pope ratzinger. That's one of the reasons why he had to step down. And one of the reasons why he stays in the Vatican. I was reading some article about them bringing up charges, crimes against humanity against him. That other countries wanted to do that. Because this guy used to ship kids. Or he used to ship priests to places where they wouldn't get in trouble. Like he had this one guy who was accused of molesting boys. And so he shipped them to this place where he worked with deaf kids. And he molested over a hundred deaf kids. It's like, what did you do? Like, you shipped a child molester to a bunch of people that wouldn't be able to talk about it well. Like, he'd be able to get away with it easier there. If they settle the case, then that means it doesn't get prosecuted, right? So that's why they won't go to jail? Is that why they haven't gone to jail? Dude, I don't understand it. I'm looking at these reports on why aren't they going to jail. And I'm like, if you settle a case, you don't- you don't- like they don't keep prosecuting. I just- I guess if you make a- like the person decides to drop charges. There was a guy in Boston that was gonna fuckin' give a hundred thousand. I was gonna put him under the jail. There was some guy in Boston I read about years ago that would put him under the jail. Now I keep it simple. I'm still a Catholic, I just don't go to church. I don't wanna deal with none of those people. I don't wanna deal with none of them. At any religious level, I don't wanna deal with them. The problem is whenever people get into a position where everybody, for the most part, is like humble around them and scared of them and they have power. Like, I remember when my grandmother died. We went to her funeral, and the guy couldn't remember her name. My grandmother's name was Josephine. He kept calling her Geraldine. And the priest, who was delivering the service, we had to interrupt him. Josephine! And he was like annoyed that they interrupted him. He was like, yes, Josephine. Like he changed the name. Like he didn't even know her name. And when he's there to deliver this God's message for the last, you know, last time, the family's gonna view the body. And he doesn't know what to do. And he doesn't know our name. And when he was corrected, he was angry at us. Like, he had these gin blossoms all over his face. He's just some weird old guy who got tricked and did this very strange life. And now it's at its end. And he's been living with robes on, supposedly being celebrated his whole fucking life, while people kiss his ass and pretend to be something special because he talks about the word of God. But you can just see in that one moment where he wasn't even embarrassed that he said the wrong name. He was upset that people were correcting him. Because you don't correct priests. So he's used to that assault. There's no one checking him. There's no one checking them at all. Everyone who goes there is in this state of worship. And they're the ones who deliver the word of God dressed like wizards. Like they're the only people in society that are allowed to dress like wizards in modern American society. They dress like fucking wizards. And we're like, yeah, that's how he, father dresses, father dresses like a wizard. Like, do you know how people are going to look back at that and go, why didn't they think the outfits were weird? Why didn't they think it was silly that this pedophile dresses up like a wizard and you're not supposed to say anything to him? What is that? Like, what is with the outfits? The fact that all that shit's still around. Like, there's nowhere in the Bible that says priests have to dress like that. Nowhere. There's nowhere. The whole thing is so bizarre. It's, you're wearing stuff that made you look like you were very special to really poor people 500 years ago. That's what you're wearing. You're wearing stuff that would impress people that didn't know any better, that probably couldn't read. And so before Martin Luther translated these, the scriptures so that people could read it, like a phonetic language, before that, people had no idea what the priests were reading. They just relied on the priest. They relied on the priest to tell them what the word of God was. But now all of a sudden they could read it for themselves. And Martin Luther was saying, you should probably interpret it yourself too. And they were like, oh my God. Were either of you old enough to go to church when it was still in Latin? Oh, they would say some things. They would only be in Latin until like the 70s or 60s or something. Really? Yeah. I remember they would say some things in Latin because I remember I'd be five years old going, what in the fuck are these people talking about? What type of kid were you between the age of five and ten? Were you aggressive? Were you quiet? Were you introverted? No, much more introverted. Okay, from the ages of five and ten I went through like changes until I got hit in the head with a lunchbox. But I believed, I really did believe Joe. I really did believe. I believed in God. I believed that my father was in heaven. I believed that a ton of shit. Then I got introduced to Catholic school and that just fucked me up completely. Because I believed, but I didn't believe on the tail end of it. If it was supposed to be love, then why is this nun smacking me? Why is this nun hitting me with a fucking ruler? You know what I'm saying? And then I saw the anger in their heart and it turned me off completely. Like I didn't like it. Today I'm still a Catholic in some ports. When my body goes, I like to go through a fucking church, you know? But I don't hold it. I remember selling cars in Boulder and a guy came in and we started talking and he was fifty, wasn't a good looking guy, looked like that fucking guy. And he had like a twenty year old chick with him. And obviously after taking him on a demo ride, I figured out that he could fuck her and shit. But somehow, no, I realized that he was fucking her. She was like his receptionist or something. But after when we got back, I also realized he was my father-in-law's friend. So I asked my father-in-law about him and he didn't say, he's on the board of the church, he's a great man, you know? And I still remember him. This was Sacred Heart Church in Boulder, Colorado. In fact, that's the same church the head of the football team went to, Bill McCarthy and all that shit. I'd see his fucking family there. And it all sit in the front. And this fucking scumbag would sit in the second pew with his fat fucking ugly wife. You know? She had the ugliest fucking wife in the fucking church. They would hit her with the net, with that money net. They would just hit her with it like, fuck you, she's ugly. But the point was that I never respected it. That you're cheating on your wife, but then again, you're right there playing the fucking I'm a good guy. Yeah!