Joey Diaz: R Kelly is DONE

When I first got here the hot book was You'll Never Work in This Town Again And it was a hooker who fucking did a tell-all book about Don Henley calling her up to her house and they had a bend over and Don Henley would snort coke off their assholes and then get up and plug them once and sit back down and just sit there So you had to go to Don Henley's house, he had a fireplace for women and he would just say bend over naked God damn Don Henley He would snort coke, get up, fuck you for a minute and then sit back down and snort more coke You know, she told all those stories of different movies and shit like that I would be disappointed if he lived any other way I would think that if you're living back then too, rock star back then Like you almost were required to do something ridiculous Like everybody was doing ridiculous shit Like no, there was no like clean and sober rock stars back then were there? Like that hadn't even happened yet where people cleaned up Like people clean up regularly now It's a big part of society like people improve How many people cleaned up back in the day? Right? Like artists? Artists that were like really into drugs They just died They just died Yeah They didn't really know Kurt obviously was suicide or whatever Depending on which documentary you're into The creepiest fucking thing I saw was 1983 I went back to New York and I got a job at an electrical warehouse called Swift Electric And I had a load truck My job was I'd get there in the morning Look at the bill of latings You know, put 12 fucking 12 feet pipe in your truck Wiring, screws And there was this one fucking driver, bro, that was 45 years old And his wife was 15 Whoa And he would bring her to work with her Jesus She'd be in the front seat She did not go to school The owner knew, everybody knew If you looked at him, you could tell he wasn't all there And I remember asking him once, like, is this to your daughter? It was not, that's my wife I go, she's 15, 14 He was here, the parents sold it to me Oh, Jesus Christ I forget what his name was or where he lived I know he lived in West New York He was a white dude from West New York But he, you know, but Don Johnson married Melanie Griffin before she was 18 Really? Yeah, look at that She was, nobody said dick Look at the other boy Look at your, that dude, they're gonna throw him under the chair when they get rid of him Finish with him Who? R. Kelly If you think Howie Weinstein's in trouble, at least Howie got some money Harvey Whatever Howie Harvey At least he's got some money left R. Kelly's done And like we were fucking, nobody said nothing R. Kelly used bribe to marry Aliyah when she was 15, charges say He bribed the government employee in 1994 so that he could obtain a fake ID for the singer Aliyah Mm, yeah This is 20-something years ago, right? He did this He's gonna, they're gonna throw him under the fucking jail He was holding a woman captive, fucking with their heads You're not allowed to talk to your fucking parents You're not allowed to talk Was it all that age? Is it all like in the 15s? That's what he's into Is that what he's into? Yeah, yeah, they got the video of him pissing on a chick, which I never saw I don't wanna see it I mean, I have no fucking desire to see that shit What do you think that is? You think he's basically like, like running a show with young girls? Well, I watched a little bit of it last week and he comes across to you His professional is, listen Some people don't know a wounded deal when they see one And that's what these women are saying, that his professional, his skill Is the art of the wounded woman And then he plays wounded But then, you know, who do you talk to with that? Within the first day, I'll tell you, they got sexually harassed Not too many people So as soon as he starts at that, you start with your story about your uncle And he's gonna take care of you, he's gonna do this and this He's gonna do this and this That's how he went in The stories that these women are saying are just fucking crazy Like it's just other level fucking craziness My manipulation, you know, it's just deep old school pimp Remember when you and I went to see American Pimp? Yeah And we went to that barbecue place You took me to that good barbecue place next door to where American Pimp was the Hughes brothers Just that mentality of spotting those type of women You know, it's fucked up, it's horrible And I feel terrible about it and it just makes me feel sick hearing the story But what makes me laugh is if we found out that JLo had been capturing 15-year-old boys and pissing in their face We would think it was hilarious If JLo went to high school and she got all these sophomores And she brought them back to her place for a gangbang We would think these kids had a good fucking time That is what it's it's one of those big giant differences between the way we feel about men and women This R. Kelly thing is horrible But it is it is kind of funny that if R. Kelly was like a really beautiful woman And she she was doing the exact same thing to 15-year-old boys making them live with her and eat her pussy and shit We would think it's hilarious. We would just think it's hilarious Was Donna's doing it? Yeah, Madonna's doing it He does not read or write exceedingly well except when it comes to amazing musical tracks his attorney said Okay He doesn't read or write well, not sad The whole thing's sad But it is weird our ideas of sex based on gender. It's fucking very different We feel very different about that story There'll be a hilarious story if there was some big tittied freak singer Who has like a little sex cult and she brings 15 16 year old boys over? We wouldn't really we would be like wow, but we wouldn't feel like a crime guy committed We're like wow, we're hypocrites because I make jokes of it on twitter I see another 16 year old teacher sucks a dick, you know, but then you think jesus christ. I have a daughter This wing is both ways And