Duncan Trussell Got High and Applied for a Job at the CIA

We talked about the CIA's website yet. What about their website? Have you ever gone to it? No. Jamie, would you mind pulling that up? I have applied for a job. What do I have to do? You applied for a job with the CIA? Well, I was stoned and it was late at night and I'm like, wait, you can apply online? Check it out, dude. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, ask Molly. There's a cartoon? Yeah. Hold on, back up. This is the CIA's website. Ask Molly, your CIA source on the inside, and it's hashtag AskMollyHale. And Molly Hale is like a hot agent. This week's AskMollyHale question comes from a writer who wants to know if there is a path forward for them at CIA since they have done illegal drugs in the past. They took my question. That's your question. No, I'm just kidding. It seems to me. It seems like it's your question since they have done illegal drugs in the past. Let's see what Molly's answer is. Let's see Molly's answer. So it says, find Molly's answer. What does Molly say? Dear, you're good to serve. Let me be clear in this from the get-go. Having previously used illegal drugs does not immediately disqualify you from working at CIA. If working for CIA is your life's goal, and we certainly hope it is, there could be a path for you here. With that said, there are certain restrictions you should be aware of, especially if you've used illegal drugs within the past year. Generally speaking, to be eligible for CIA employment, applicants must not have used illegal drugs within the past 12 months. Oh, damn. Shit. This is, as with most things, a general rule by which to gauge your higher ability. That's not a word, kids. Is that a typo? Not only an applicant, but not only an applicant, but as the potential holder of a security clearance. It might seem a bit archaic, but consider the access to information we're giving at CIA employees. Oh, and consequences of granting access to the wrong person. How much access to information? Just read that real quick. It might seem a bit archaic, but consider the access to information we're giving at CIA employees. What access are you giving them? You're in a simulator. That's probably the first thing they say after you get hired. They're like, it's a simulator. We're just doing what the programmer wants. It's like, I know you're going to freak out for two months. We're going to give you a protocol of antidepressants because you can go nihilistic or absurdist when you realize you're just a string of code that's running. But you'll get over it, and then there's an egg. You can go, the thing reads your mind. It's kind of cool. We'll show you that later. Officers regularly handle classified information, which, if leaked, could spell disaster for national security and endanger the life of CIA officers. This is my favorite word. Assets and their family. Assets is one of my favorite words they use. We have an asset in Jerusalem, an asset. You got an asset. Is it a person? You know a guy? Yeah, he's an asset. He's an asset. He's like a number? What's an asset? An asset is like stocks. You got an asset? I got stock in Palestinians. I got some Palestinians saved up. I got some assets. Just some people you connected with. I connected with them. They're my assets. Yeah. Now you may be wondering, that's all fine, Molly, but I live in a state where marijuana use was legalized under state law. So why would any of this really apply in my case? The short answer is, or would any of this really apply in my case? The short answer is, yes. Marijuana remains illegal under federal law in every state. The CIA is bound by federal law, which prohibits CIA from granting security clearances to unlawful users of controlled substances, including marijuana. State laws do not supersede those of the federal government. The great lord who looks over the land with an iron fist. For more information regarding the federal government's security clearance guidelines regarding drug use and other considerations, you can check out the ... What if the next line was like, hey, what's up, Joe? That's cool you're showing this on your podcast. No, no. It's a simulation. But I do think in there is they're also kind of saying, that being said, if you can set shit on fire with your mind or something when you're stoned, come talk to us. You know what I mean? There are saying, the other cool thing when you look at applying for a job is it says, after you apply, don't tell anybody you apply for the job. We'll approach you regarding the job, which is so fucking cool. You can't talk about it when you apply. Meanwhile, they're absolutely checking your phone. They're checking your ... I applied and I just leaned into the fact that, fuck it, they're going to look at everything I do. And then also, like imagining this, some point, some CIA agent might come up to me like, hey, what's up, man? Hey, what's going on? Did you really want to be a bookkeeper at the Pentagon? No, I wanted to meet a CIA agent, dude. Hello. Because I mean, wouldn't you like to meet ... I'd know one. You know a CIA agent? I've had him on the podcast multiple times, Mike Baker. He does a lot of consulting for TV shows and security stuff. So you are in ... is he working for them now? No. Well ... How would you know? He's a former CIA operative. What does that mean? Do you really think they ever stop talking to each other? No. No. He does security clearance stuff and security studies. He has a security company. Can I ask you a question that will probably get made into a YouTube clip accusing you of being an asset of the CIA? Sure. So, okay, let's imagine this. One day you get contacted by somebody who's in the CIA, and they show you convincing data regarding something, you know, whatever it may be, meteor impact, some other impending danger that is like you look at it and it's like whatever it is they give you, you believe it. And they're like, listen, Joe, we know you're like ... we know that you're like a wild animal, and we know that like you don't want to be dishonest, and we understand that, but we've got to figure out a way to get this kind of information out to the world. Because if we don't, like, it's going to be really bad, and we're just going to people like you and just trying to get whatever the thing is they want you to say, a little thing, an idea of how they want you to be. And they're not offering you money. They're not offering you money. And they're also like saying like, don't worry. If you say no ... Duncan, did you get that job at the CIA? What? Excuse me? Did I get the job at the CIA? Did you get that job that you applied for? No! It seems like you're priming me. What? For you're going to give me a suggestion later. Listen. I know what you're doing, man. Joe, have you ever thought of a blue butterfly, Joe? Mm-hmm. Yeah. But seriously, what would your response be if like someone's like, look, we just need your help. Listen, I think Central Intelligence Agency, I think FBI, I think the DEA, I think they're all necessary. I don't think they're unnecessary. I think that most of what they're doing is trying to protect us. Let's do the Illuminati logo for the ... I do think also that some of those guys turn into fucking cowboys and try to fly Coke back from Mexico and crash CIA jets. Right. That's true, too. All that shit that happened in Meno, Arkansas, you know, all that shit that happened when Clinton was governor, with Barry Seals, when they were running Coke back and forth and dropping off in Meno, Arkansas. That guy was a CIA contractor. There's a lot of those guys that were CIA. Look, they got compromised, I think. But that doesn't mean the whole CIA's bad. That doesn't mean we don't need a CIA. Man, if you talk to people, if they're honest, I don't know if they're ... Let's just assume they're honest. If you talk to people that deal with trying to infiltrate terrorist groups and deal with tracking terrorists and deal with trying to figure out if someone's trying to make a dirty bomb, trying to figure out if someone's ready to blow up a mall, and they're doing this actively every day, all day. That's essential. Right. That's essential. So the CIA, oh, fucking MK Ultra. They dose people at whorehouses. This is not the same people. This is a giant organization that's been around for a long fucking time. What you're hearing about from Jolly West and the MK Ultra, those people are dead. Those are not alive today. But you know who is alive today? ISIS. You know who is alive today? A lot of threats all around the world. You know who is alive today? Kim Jong-un, the leader of China, all these fucking dictators that are heavily armed all over the world. There's a lot of them. You've got to keep an eye on those motherfuckers. If you don't think you have to keep an eye on them, you're crazy. Well, the CIA is evil. No, no, no, no. Humans are evil. And sometimes you need someone who's paying attention to the evil people. Right. Yeah, that's what you need. Now, does that mean that they're not going to stray across the lines of what is correct and good and fair and start spying on regular people too? No, it doesn't mean that. Right. It means that shit needs to be curbed. That shit's un-American, right? But if you think someone might be a terrorist, like you should be able to find out before they blow up a fucking school. Totally. Right? 100%. 100%. So the question is, how good are these people at walking that line? Turns out pretty fucking good. Turns out pretty fucking good. There's a bunch of shit that's happened over time. But also, they've got an intel on all these different terrorists and all these different fucking terrible situations all over the world and probably saved a lot of people. Right. It's not perfect, but nothing's perfect. It's not a fucking thing that's perfect, whether it's the fucking post office or police officers or fire department or doctors. No one's perfect. Right. Including the CIA, including the FBI, including the Army, the Navy. There's going to be problems. Right. But overall, they're trying to protect. I would imagine, if I had to ask, like, what are you guys here for? To make sure the shit doesn't hit the fan. Pay attention to the shit. Pay attention. Do some of them branch out into coke business? Yes. I'm sure some of them for coke. Of course. I'm sure there's someone for the federal government that's selling guns to a bad guy right now. I'm sure. I'm sure. So people are people. If you've got a million people, you're going to get 30 bad ones or whatever the fuck the number is. It's just part of life. Yeah. Yeah. Look, I mean, for sure. You're a CIA apologist. I set you up. Yeah. I don't believe a word of what I just said. Come on, man. What about my bonus? You son of a bitch. You took that job. Come on, man. You know I get a big bonus. The, like, you know, I don't. Yeah. You're wearing a wire, bro. You don't have to wear a wire anymore. Just carry your phone. I'm wearing a wire on a podcast. I'm monitoring you, Joe. Imagine if you got too close to the mic. It's like, heeee. Jamie's like, hmm. Dude. Interference. Yeah.