Bill Maher: I've Never Understood the Concept of Marriage

I want to know how the divorce laws came to be. I do. I want to know, somebody must have written a book on it. I just want to know how we got to this place where, you know, first of all, this idea that you have to live in the style of which you've become accustomed. I can help you here. I can help you a couple ways. Here's the big one. Lawyers make a lot of money if there's a large settlement. So it's lawyers. Yes. Lawyers don't make a lot of money if there's no settlement. You know, Phil Hartman, when he was getting divorced, one of the things that he said to me, I go, dude, just fucking give her half. Come on, man. You make a lot of money. He goes, it's not half. He was crazed. He's like, it's two thirds. He goes, the fucking lawyers get a third. It's goddamn scam. And I've had friends that have gotten divorced. And even though they were, they had come to an agreement with the acts. Like, let's listen with this and this, and you'll get this and I'll get this. Fine. Then the lawyers jump in. He's trying to fuck you. And listen to that. They're trying to fuck you over. You deserve more. That's exactly the plot of the movie marriage, W.C. marriage story. No, I haven't. Oh, it's terrific. I was again at the beginning because it was about an actress and a theater director. And I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ. Can't you at least pretend that there are people in America not outside of your exact circle. There've been so many big movies that are just about your world of show business. Have a little creativity, make them something else. But okay, I got over that. And then it's just a terrific movie about, there's no bells and whistles. It's just, we're married. We seem very happy. And then, well, we're not happy and we're going to get divorced. And then we're going to, let's just do it amicably and not getting lawyers involved. And then it all falls apart. And once it goes down that path that you're talking about, it just becomes as vicious as anything without guns. Well, I had a friend who got divorced and no family, okay, no children. They didn't have children. And it dragged on for more than, I think almost three years. And even though they had come to some sort of conclusion, he was paying for his wife's lawyer. I go, it's like you're paying for the general of the army that's trying to kill you. You're paying for someone to fuck you in the ass. You're getting fucked in the ass. It's broken. You can feel it. I have seen so many men broken by it. Devastated. Every time somebody says, people unfortunately get a horrible disease like cancer and they say, I couldn't have gotten through it without my wife. I always think, yeah, and maybe she gave it to you. I don't mean, of course, literally, but I just mean that when you're in a bad relationship, the stress, we don't know what contributes all the things to cancer. But that certainly is, I'm sure, one of them. And then going through a divorce like that, I've seen people, like you say, just broken. They get wrecked. And it's a system. The reason why the divorce laws are set up the way they're set up, people think, oh, we're protecting women. Horseshit. They're doing it so that they can extract the maximum amount of money out of the mail. That way, the lawyer gets the biggest chunk that they could possibly get. Most lawyers have a, they're working on a percentage basis, right? Especially if a woman doesn't have as much money or if she's, you know, the loyal come to her, look, we've got a deal here. We'll, we'll figure this out. Don't pay me now. We're gonna make sure we get, get you the most. We'll, we'll take care of it all in the end. And this is what has happened to several of my friends that have been divorced. And you know what it is once you see it. What I get and I understand and I accept and I, I support is child support. I mean, I've, I grew up with a deadbeat dad. My dad never paid for shit. And I have many friends that have also experienced a lot of financial hardship growing up because their dad was a piece of shit and, and didn't want to pay for their children. But people are very close to me, including my wife. But when there's a big difference between that, a man taking responsibility for his children, there's a big difference between that and alimony. Alimony is creepy. There's something creepy about like my friend, like I said, didn't even have a child with this woman. He is still paying her, by the way. This is the same guy, very good friend of mine, has been divorced for 14 years, has been married for 12 to a new woman, still paying the old woman. And my joke was like, you fucked her so hard, she can't work. Right. Like she literally can't work. Cause he, he's a wealthy man. He made good money and he works really hard. He's a, he's, he's not in the business. He's a, he, you know, he has a real job and he works, you know, long fucking hours every day. And he has his own business and he has to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to someone he doesn't even talk to anymore. Guys couldn't jail. Because he used to fuck her. Guys couldn't jail. Yeah. I knew of a guy who was a doctor who went to jail every night because he couldn't make the payments. Oh God. And they would like let him out on weekends to do rounds and stuff, but he was, it's. I got a better one for you. Am I getting crazy? Yeah. Hit me. Dave Foley, who was on news radio with you. Yeah, sure. Dave Foley. When he was getting divorced was when he was on news radio. So it was a financial peak, you know, he was the star of the show. He's making a lot of money. Right. And so his payments were set up for that. Sure. So this is in Canada, right. And he, the judge tells him, he tells the judge, I don't make that kind of money anymore. That was an extraordinary time in my life. It's very hard to make that kind of money. You know, I'm an actor. I just, the doctor, the judge rather says your ability to pay has no relation to your obligation to pay. Wow. Think of that. Just pause here for a moment. What a statement. And where else would we say that? It's insane. And we're talking about hundreds of thousands of dollars, hundreds of thousands, like as if he's supposed to conjure this up, like his career is supposed to magically resurrect itself in some really financially viable way. And since it is usually the man still who probably has the more money and is paying the woman, it's very anachronistic to how we have come to think about women as equal and strong and able to do everything we can do. But when it comes to this, it's like, oh, we got to take care of them. But they're suddenly, they're very dependent. I think it's a scam that's set up because the men in general are in control of the finances or make more money and they can extract more money from them that way. I don't see a lot of people turning it down. Yeah. I mean, that's why the system I think is set up the way it's set up. It's dark, man. I mean, the only time it's happened the other way that I know of is Tom Arnold. Tom Arnold's got to make clean. Sure. Yes, it does happen the other way. He's one for the males. We got one on the board. There's like, if the board was like here, it would be a fucking billion scratches on one side and four lines and the one through it and then next to it, it's like Tom Arnold. That's why I never understood. A couple of the dudes. Never understood the concept of marriage because when people would say, why don't you want to get married? I'd say, why would I invite the federal and state government into my love life? It's very important. You have to have it. Otherwise it's not real. If you don't get a signed piece of paper, what the fuck do you have? Just your feelings for that other part. Not good enough. How's she going to tell her friends? She's got to tell her friends that he really cares. You've been brainwashed by it. No, he really cares. I can see she's trained you to say the right answer. Well, I think that's how scary the world is. I think that's a crazy backward way to look at it, that without the piece of paper, it's not real. It's not real. Whatever you have with the someone emotionally, that's what's real. The paper is what's fake. You shouldn't be worried about divorce because we're never getting divorced. Oh, I'm not worried about you. I don't know what the fuck you're doing. Why are you getting so upset about this, Bill? Just sign the paper and get married. We're going to be together forever. I don't know what you're worried about. Jesus Christ, you're freaking out about, don't you love me? You're freaking out about divorce. We're not getting divorced. We love each other. God, sign it. Sign it. And then when you sign it, the darkness, clouds roll over. Ha ha ha ha. But also, humans change. It's so funny when you could say about anything else, oh, I'm not married to it. Do you want that thing there? I'm not married to it. But with a human, the thing that's most malleable, we're like, yep, I'm going to marry it. But for some people, it works fantastically. I think in some countries, they actually have term limits. They actually have marriage terms. I don't think that's a real thing. I think it is. Really? Google it. Some countries have like a term... We did this before, right? Yeah, it's real. Some countries have like, you could get married for like seven years. Oh, I see. And then you have to re-up. You have like a seven year... Yeah. And you could decide at the end of it. You're like, look, I think we're good. Let's get out of here. Right. Yeah. Well, but that's putting a level of logic into it that's probably not going to really obtain when the moment comes. Because by that time, you're so codependent. Girls are not going to tolerate that. They're going to... Let me ask you this. How long have you been with Phil? And he wants a fucking term limit? Right. My God, you guys are going to be together forever. What are you doing to get the fucking term limit? Right. Because if you stuck with Dave, I bet Dave wouldn't ask for it. Dave's not like that. Dave might be a little boring. Maybe he's not as funny, but he's a fucking solid guy and he would assign the contract. You'd be fine, girl. You'd be fine. It's like when agents are competing to sign you and they're like, you didn't read for that? Oh, I could have got you in on that. As soon as there's a financial incentive with anything, things get squirrely. That's what I'm saying. But it also... I remember it's funny you mentioned Tom Arnold. I had him on the very first episode of Politically Incorrect, I think with Roseanne, and they were talking about marriage. And he said, the great thing about marriage is when you have a big fight and somebody says, I'm leaving, you can go, you can't, we're married. And I got what he was saying. Some people like that, that you have this self-imposed barrier that... Makes it more difficult. It's like a waiting period with guns, or when they make you look at the sonogram, when you want an abortion in some states, look at your fucking baby on the computer screen there and come back tomorrow and tell me you want to kill that kid. You have a waiting period, you have to cool off. You can't just leave. Whereas if you're not married, you can. Unless you live together, that's more complicated, or kids are more complicated, but yeah.