Love Isn't So Hard to Find - Christopher Ryan

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Christopher Ryan

14 appearances

Christopher Ryan, PhD is a psychologist, speaker, and author of New York Times best seller “Sex At Dawn” and he also hosts a podcast called “Tangentially Speaking" available on Spotify. His latest book “Civilized To Death” is available now: https://www.amazon.com/Civilized-Death-What-Lost-Modernity/dp/1451659105

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I feel like I've gained, you know, this is part of what I was referring to earlier where I said like, you know, we're learning to dance and the party's almost over. I feel, I don't have kids. I've been around kids. But I feel like when I was in my 20s, let's say, I sort of worked this out recently in relationships that I think there are three things. There's attraction, there's compatibility, and there's love. And I look at a lot of my relationships with women, they had two of those. Always love. Sometimes the sex was great and sometimes the compatibility was great and very rarely all three of those. But I used to think love was a really limited, scarce experience in life. And the older I get, the more I feel like, no, love is, I could love anybody. If I spent enough time with them and got to know them, I'd feel love for them. Right. You know, that's not hard to find. It seems, it's everywhere. When I was young, I thought it was really hard to find. Well, for some people it is. Some people it is, it's hard to find someone who loves them and some people are burdened down. Like, you're very free in the sense that because you have this unusual way of making money and you don't have a lot of needs, you don't need a lot of material things. Some people are very burdened by these needs, you know, and they're not free and they're confined to a job and it's very difficult for them to meet anybody. And then they're also stressed out all the time because of bills and horse shit and then work politics and work dynamics and dealing with the fucking environment of the office. And you got a boss that's an asshole who's like, you know, you have board meetings and shit and everybody's got to sit there and get cancer while this asshole talks. You can feel it. You know, are you imagine sitting at a board table and some guy's, what we got to do with this company, you know? That's right. The Matrix. I need you to be here after work. You're here nine to five. I want to see real commitment. I want to, you know, when I'm leaving at seven, I want to see you still here working. Yeah. Like, what? No. And then it's hard to meet somebody. It's hard to find love. Yeah. Okay. Certainly you're right about that. I didn't really mean in a dating sense so much as just like a compassion sense. Okay. You know what I mean? Right. That everybody's lovable. Sure. You know, like one of the things that I love doing in my podcast is meeting somebody who's never told their story before and never even thought of their life in terms of a narrative and in the course of the podcast, having them realize how fucking interesting they are and how interesting their life is. But I've had people like break into tears and stuff, you know, because they've never thought like no one's ever asked. Right. You know? Everybody's interesting. Everybody's got some kind of bizarre story to tell. Often they don't know it, you know? And I feel the same way, like everybody's lovable. I'm not talking about romantic love. I know what you're saying. Yeah. And you reminded me of when you were talking about seeing the full person's life. Sometimes I've looked at like women that I was with who were, you know, 35 years old and I like see the old lady in them and be moved by that. You know? Like you're going to be a beautiful old lady. I'll be dead. You're a weirdo. I see that and I'm like, I got to get out of here before she becomes an old lady. Oh, I see menopause coming. Get me out of here. I don't want anybody angry at me for shit I didn't even do. Yeah. No, I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying. And I mean, everybody's lovable to somebody, right? I mean, unless you're a fucking psychopath.