Christopher Ryan Got Into a Fight with Monkeys

Yeah. Yeah. Pythons. But it's not just the Everglades, right? I read recently like 30% of all the birds in North America are gone in the last 40 years. A lot of that's house cats. Have you ever seen the numbers of how many house cats, how many birds house cats kill? Billions. Billions in just in United States. But they're cute. Adorable. Fucking billions though. Killers. They're birds. Like you see, like scientists were baffled when they did the actual survey and they found the real numbers. They're like, this can't be real. This can't be right. Billions. You have a cat, right? Yeah, two cats. Oh, you had a whole bit in your stand up of a cat. Yeah. Yeah. I like cats. I love cats. Yeah. They're interesting creatures. I had three of them in Spain. It was fun. They had their own little world. Oh yeah. Three of them did what they wanted to do. The only bummer is litter boxes. Yeah. So I had them outside. Gotta have them outside the house. In my neighborhood, you cannot. Yeah. Coyotes. Yeah, no coyotes in Barcelona. Owls. Owls and coyotes. Yeah. Those owls are a motherfucker. They'll snatch them up just as quick as anything. Yeah. We have big owls out here. So if you were going to die from an animal attack, what animal would you like to die from? You'd like a big cat because they would kill you before they'd eat you. You know? Yeah. Black bear will eat you. Grizzly bears sometimes... Grizzly bears will eat you too. Well, they'll fuck you up. Anyway, this is what I was told when I was in Alaska, that you play dead with a grizzly but never with a black. Well... Because some grizzlies, if they think you're dead, they'll kick some dust on you and come back a week later when you're fermented. To eat you when you're rotten. They're like French people. They want it to stink, you know? Like old cheese. That's not totally true. It depends on how hungry they are and whether or not they're old, but you are more likely to be attacked by a black bear for predation. Right. A friend of mine was attacked recently. Really? Yeah, he had a shoot of black bear. Yeah. Yeah, he tried to chase it off. He stumbled upon... There was a smell. He's a rancher. He stumbled upon this smell, and the smell was a dead cow, and this black bear had been eating this dead cow, and he tried to chase the black bear off, and the black bear decided to try to go after him, and he had to wind up shooting it. He had a rifle or a pistol? I think it was a pistol, but it wouldn't stop. It wouldn't leave him alone. He's just trying to say, hey, get the fuck out of here. Okay, I've got to throw it, waving his arms, and it wolfed at him, and then it turned around, and it came at him from another direction, and then it literally ran up within like 20 feet of him. He's like, okay, we're done here. That happened to me with a monkey once. Really? Yeah. Did you shoot the monkey? I didn't, no. Did you feed him a rat? This was in Malaysia. I was in a botanical gardens in Penang, Malaysia. I actually told this story at the beginning of Sex of Dawn, and I was with my girlfriend at the time, and like your situation in Costa Rica, she wanted to give some peanuts to these monkeys. These guys at the entrance were selling little bags of peanuts, and so she, there was this baby monkey hanging by his tail over the trail where we were, and she pulled out this bag of peanuts and like, you know, opened it, and that attracted all this attention from other monkeys. And while she was handing a peanut to the baby, this other monkey jumped out from the bushes, leapt on her, took the bag of peanuts, and was gone, like in a flash. It happened so fast. She's screaming, and I'm like, what the fuck? It was just like, holy shit, we're surrounded by these monkeys. They're everywhere. And that's when we realized like all the local people had these big sticks, and we thought they were walking sticks or something, they would like to keep the monkeys away. I didn't have a stick. So I got like, I was triggered. Yeah, I got like, fuck you monkeys. You know? Like you're not, you leave my girl alone. He said that like Joe Dirt. I was not into it. And yeah, I felt like, you know, all this testosterone and adrenaline, and I was like, Hulk smash. Yeah. So we, you know, 20 minutes later, we're in this sort of field, and there's a tree in the middle of the field, and there are more baby monkeys. And by now, she's totally forgotten about it. She's just like, oh, they're cute. So I have the peanuts now, and she wants to give more peanuts. So I pull out a bag to give to her, and this monkey comes out of the woods, sort of a big one, and he's like looking at me. And I'm just like, fuck you, dude. Like I'm three times your size. Fuck you. And he sort of like moves, you know, sort of does this thing, and he's looking at me, and there's a branch, and I picked up the branch and threw it at him, right? Kind of like what your buddy was trying to do with his bear. Like hey, get the fuck out of here, you know? And this monkey just looked at the branch land in front of him and looked up at me, and he was like, you fucked up. And he leapt over it and came charging at me with like these fangs, you're just coming straight at me. I went nuts. I turned into a monkey. I just started going, hi! And I was like jumping up and down and spraying spit everywhere, and he stopped, and we're like, ahh! And he's, and my girlfriend's screaming, and we're like 10 feet away, and then he just like backed up, and like yeah, fuck you. And left. Primal moment. Very primal moment. And you didn't plan that. No. If I had had a stick, it wouldn't have been necessary. So the moral of the story is, carry a stick. Always carry a stick. When you're a monkey. Walk softly. Yeah. Carry a big stick.