David Choe Remembers the Death of Anthony Bourdain

You brought this up earlier and I wanted to ask you now, like you were talking about like physical stuff, like you get angry and get anxiety because like you don't- you let yourself get overweight, like how much does that fuck with you? And how much would you give to not have that anymore? Like isn't that- I mean if there's one major thing that keeps fucking with you over and over again that you could fix? I have- That's a fixed one. You could fix that one. So I have a disease of more like I was saying. I have a chasm, a black hole that it doesn't matter how many women I have sex with how many porn I've jerked off to, how much money I've I've gambled and lost in one small fortunes, huge fortunes I have had an eating disorder which is like I thought that was a girl thing. That's what I thought. Like I got to- when I went to rehab for gambling addiction this is the first rehab I've been to. I've been to every fucking rehab mental health wellness center in America now. I said, hey do you guys deal with process addiction? And I was like, yeah sure come over. And when I went there, there was only meth heads there. They didn't even know. They just wanted my money. Yeah, just come over here. And I learned there like serious gambling addiction like one out of four kills themselves. Yeah, it's the reason why there's no balconies in Las Vegas. The only place that has balconies is the Cosmo I think and they had like two suicides the first month they opened I think. Because you're- so I I'm like I have things that when I talk about it it's funny. Can't stop jerking off. I can't stop working. Just fucking got an Emmy working for Vice and I got my podcast and I got this and I got this next project and my next art show is gonna make a million dollars. And then you're addicted to that. There's no end to it. There's nothing and when I meet when I watch the Jordan documentary and I meet famous people that have succeeded at the highest levels I go, how long were you happy for? Maybe a day? Maybe 24 hours? And then what happens the next day? Back to the grind. It's not enough. Got the gold medal, back to the grind. Back to the grind. And I go, it's it's never gonna be enough. I'll never have enough women, money, success. It's this. And I go, I have so many friends who've killed themselves. I have so many- like Bourdain asked me for help. He asked me for help. Like I'm like, yes! What did he say? He said, I'm fucking miserable. I'm miserable. How do you deal with this? And I was like, I've been waiting for this fucking phone call. Thank you. How recent or how close to when he died it was within the year. It wasn't like right. But so he said it was miserable. And in what way did he describe it? He said, you're successful. I'm successful. Do you find yourself suffering? And I go, absolutely, please. And then I called him and and I this is what I mean when I say asking for help and receiving for help. That was a fucking hard. You know people that know Bourdain. I know his friends. I know his manager. You won't find a fucking person that will say a bad thing about him. That guy is a fucking he's so awesome. He's always looking out for you. He'll show up for you. Whatever you need. He'll take care of you. He's an amazing guy. Very, very interesting guy. And so you can't find anyone. But I'm like, you're a fucking asshole, dude. You're an asshole. You murdered yourself. You murdered yourself. You killed someone. That person happened to be you. But you couldn't even show up for yourself. You. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm getting real. Okay, man. Listen, I get it. You love the guy. I loved him too. It's um. I've known many people that have killed themselves now. It's a very sad thing. That was you can't you can never fix that. That sadness is always going to be a part of you. You're always going to think maybe I could have gotten to him. Maybe I could have talked to him. Maybe if I was there. But that was it. He did it. He reached out. He's like, I relate to you, Dave. I connect with you. And I was like, yes. So what did he wind up doing? I talked to him. I said, Hey, man, here's all the things I've done. I'm in a really good place. Now I can help you. I can I can refer you to places. I got you. And it was almost like. Thank you for caring for me. Thank you. Like he was he was severe codependent. Like he was a people pleaser. Right. He's like, I'm like he never said no. He's like, I'm going to fucking help everybody except for myself. It's okay, man. I get it. So I'm going to help everyone except for myself. And I think I make this up in my head. He's like. And I've done this too before. It's like I kind of half ass ass people for help. Oh, Dave, I got resources. And I go, that's enough. Just to know that you cared and that I know that there's places I can go to. That's enough. I don't have to actually full stop my life and change until. You know, fuck. So that's what I mean when say we don't as a culture, people don't teach us this shit. People don't teach us how how to how to fucking ask for help and then receive help.