David Choe’s Hilarious Story About Shoplifting an Adult Movie

You remember the VHS tapes that were in the... Oh yeah. So, I live in a house, a small house, three brothers, me and my older brother, my younger brother and my head exploded because I saw scrambled porn at my friend Alejandro's place. I was like, I think I could see a tit. People don't even know what you're saying when you say scrambled porn. It's like my new paintings. They're like glitched, like you see a tit or whatever, but... It used to be, let's just explain. Yeah. There were certain channels you couldn't get to and your parents would have to subscribe to Showtime, but you'd take HBO over an HBO Showtime package. You would decide, well, let's just get HBO or we can only afford Cinemax. But there were some of those channels, they'd call Cinemax, Skin-a-Max. Because there's some of those channels. Right, because there was so much. They were like... They were like fake movies with an excuse to show soft core action. But you didn't see penetration. No. The first time I saw penetration was when I think I was 14. I don't remember who got the video, but one of my friends got a porn, an actual porn. We were watching it in stunned disbelief. What in the fuck? Right. And so that what in the fuck? I see the scrambled porn and I can't function as a normal human now. I'm 13, 14 years old. Scrambled porn is another thing for you. I live in a two bedroom house with three boys that are all hitting puberty. And I go, I need more. I need more. Whoa. So I go, and we're my dad's trench coat. I walk into an adult bookstore on La Brea in like Highland. And sorry. Trench coat on? Santa Monica. It's where Trejo's Tacos is right now. Because I wanted to look like an adult. You know, I'm like a fucking zitty Asian kid. And I walk in and you remember, they used to be like 40 bucks and like in a carton, they were like expensive. Like the packaging was really big. And I went in there and I saw the package. It was like, and I remember it perfectly. Up in comers, Ray leans first, you know, and I'm touching the box and it's taped up and there's a metal detector and there's cameras. And I go, I lost my mind. I lost my mind. I was like, I have to have it. I don't have 40 bucks. I'm fucking 13 year old kid. I use my fingernail to take the tape off. I take the tape out. And the guy sees that I'm, hey, what's going on there? And jam it on the coat, book it. I run home. You got away with it? Yeah, I ran all the way. That's when I should have been with the tribe. That's when I got home. When you're 13 and horny. 13 and horny and I get home. We have a VHS and a beta machine because my dad chose wrong and then we have to eventually get the VHS. And my mom, my grandmother is watching WWF wrestling. So you got to understand the dynamics of a tiny home. It's my grandma, my two brothers and my parents. And someone is always home. Someone is always home. So this thing's burning a hole in my pot. I got to watch it, but when can I watch it? So I finally put a plan together. I go, I'm going to watch this. And I don't even know how to masturbate. I don't even know what that is. I have no sex education. I go at dinner time on Wednesday. I'm going to eat my dinner really quick. Run to the fucking living room. So it happened. So we're eating dinner. And hey, slow down. Why are you eating dinner so fast? Fucking scoop up the rice, get some kimchi. Okay. Hey, can I be excused? Like, no, we're having family dinner right now. What's going on? Tell me. No, I'm good. I'm good. I run to the fucking living room and you can, it's not that far. I don't live in a huge house. So you can still hear the silverware clinking like they're eating. I pull out the, there's like a Disney movie in there. I pull out the VHS. I put in my thing. There's the FBI warning. I'm fast forwarding. I'm looking fast forwarding and you hit play and fast forward. And then I see tits and it's, and then she's wearing jeans and then that's the cover. No, no, Jamie. No, don't do this to me. I found the actual video too. If you like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, time out, time out, time out. This is outrageous. Actually, I don't watch porn anymore. So you're making me relapse right now. Let me see that one more time. So I fast forward to this and you got to understand. I had seen print playboy. I'd seen, I'd never seen that the moving and the fucking veiny their dicks are. And like, you know, like I'm like, fuck man. So I am everything's dope. I mean, Sarah, you know, I'm like, my dad could walk in any second. And like, I'm like, my, my pressing my dick against the wall. And then I was like, okay. And I'm studying and I'm like, save this for later. This goes in the spank bank. Save all. Okay. This is enough. One more second, two more seconds. Okay. Delete tape, put the Disney tape back in, run back. Hey, why are you breathing hard? Why? Oh, nothing. Nothing. And then I get to my room and I share a bunk bed with my brother. Oh, no. And I'm like, are you on top or the bottom? I'm on the bottom. Oh, no. I'm on the bottom. That little fuck could just look down to you at any moment. So I have, I am full of this cum coming out of my eyes. I'm full. I'm like, I got a fucking jerk off. Like, I don't even know. I'm like, so, and I always knew when my brother fell asleep because his breathing slows down, so I'm like sitting there and pressing my dick against the wall. I'm like, and he's like, finally, he finally falls asleep and I go, okay. I'm going to like hold my whole arm because it's a squeaky. It's like a shitty bunk bed. Oh, no. I hold my whole arm against my this and jerk off. Dave, you knew. Okay, whatever. And, and I start doing a very gentle, quiet masturbation, but it's still doing it a light tug with a little bit of squeak because I don't want to wake up with my brother. What I want to do is I want to fucking crank it. And then I hear David. It's my brother. He's like, why are you shaking the bed so much? I'm like, oh, fuck, man. Like, and now I'm like, goddamn, I got to find a place in my house. Anyways, I could go on and on about brothers. A cock blocker. He's a cock blocker. He fucking cock me, blocked me from myself.