#2075 - Protect Our Parks 10 (Part 2)


5 months ago




Mark Normand

15 appearances

Mark Normand is the co-host of the podcasts "Tuesdays with Stories" with Joe List and "We Might Be Drunk" with Sam Morril. Watch his latest stand-up special, "Soup to Nuts," on Netflix.www.marknormandcomedy.com

Ari Shaffir

67 appearances

Ari Shaffir is the host of "The Skeptic Tank" and "You Be Trippin'" podcasts. His latest comedy special, "Ari Shaffir: Jew," is available now via YouTube. www.arishaffir.com

Shane Gillis

17 appearances

Shane Gillis is the co-host of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" with Matt McCusker and one half of the sketch comedy duo "Gilly and Keeves" with John McKeever. Watch his latest stand-up special, "Beautiful Dogs," on Netflix.www.shanemgillis.com

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Episodes from 2023

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Protect Our Parks

Bud lights, cigars and shenanigans galore


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They're all casually fighting each other. Like if they find each other out in the wild, they're never really cool with each other. Oh, sometimes they are. Sometimes they're in the neighborhood. Sometimes they're in the neighborhood. They get buddies. Yeah. But they have to, don't they have to grow up together? Yeah, it's like women. They have to. Yeah. You ever notice how women don't have friends? I bought you that book, by the way. Who runs the world juice? No, the Lizo book. I thought you were joking. Lizo's got a book? Is it a cookbook? I'm gonna read it. What was the book? What did it say? I don't know. I don't want any part of this. You can sue for this all. I was like, I gotta buy this. I checked her soul. You actually bought that? Yes. I gave you bloodlands. You gave me Lizzo. That sounds like a balanced offer. But I can't even read that. You mean the Lizzo way? Yeah, that way. 100% that book you need. That's it. I got you that. Oh, you got me that? Yeah, I'll bring Just just blow a hole through everything. Aaaaah, come on. I thought when she would, they were coming after her for a while. You're gonna get a, for what? For being a diva, like, what was the worst thing she did? Yeah, I thought I was like, it would put an end like, do you see? What was that? She did, I thought she did, and we just, she didn't do anything. Yeah. She come on, my shit. Fucking baller shit, dude. There's our rules. There's our rules. I've seen her. What's on a good concert? She's good. I've seen it, though, although I will say I was actually pissed when they made her a twerk with, it was. It's okay. It sucks with the price. Maybe, but maybe not. It depends on your perspective. It's the most fun time to be alive. Here's here's genuinely it's like I get it. I genuinely don't care about that guy's fucking flute. Fuck him. I don't like it. But I know why they're celebrating it. Right. They're like, like yeah Yeah, and you're fucking face. I'm like come on dude. The guy founded America. Yeah, what did you write? [2:11] That's it. I know they don't give about history right And by day, I mean white lip she played a two hundred year old flute Jesus man, I was embecc That yeah, I guess I don't get fuck about zero problem with that. Yeah, I can't believe she knew I mean, she wasn't playing it like recklessly. She's the only one to talk about. Which is fine. Imagine the street cred you would get if you spiked it and said, fuck, what's the premise? That would kill. Jaka. Oh my god. That would be the most polarizing moment in human history. That would be big. I'm like, wow. I'd be like, what the fuck? For the record, I take back my opinion from one minute ago. It's still pretty suck. I get the thing that does talk about it though is them covering it. That's a problem. They're covering it because they want you to be mad. She might even have been doing it because like, oh, I'm like one play the flute your major performer. We want you to play the flute so she did [3:09] Is that the biggest problem we have? Just fucking drone bombings in Yemen and yeah If you crane and like what who can I know that's where it gets She did what she does she did first of all she did in her underwear. Yeah, yeah, I mean look how she's drafts Go back to that please go please. Oh, please I'm here is the wiggling of the buttocks. I take it back if I mean imagine if they approved that costume so they approved this costume right okay? I take it all back. She's gonna run run for Senate now. I'm back. I hate it We're all over the place of this. Can I hear how good she played it? Yeah, she's a good flautist. She is Can I hear how good she played it? Yeah, she's a good flautist. She is. flaut She does love flute keep that mind It would be funny if they were like this is actually a Native American flute. This is my instrument. Oh Mark I know I take it back now back in. I don't take it back. I think it actually rules she her one instrument is the flute and she's like I'm playing a president's mind instrument. [4:04] And she did it well, yeah, and so she fucking moved her party a little bit That's fine. I agree with that Joe. What is it saying? What is it? Joe? I'm racist play dog whistles. What is the problem? What? The problem people are having with Lizzo has nothing to do with the flu Oh, that he's next is everything to do with the fact that she's a black woman I take it back to the long to a slave owner. Oh, yeah, yeah, uh, dude, what are you down? We're gonna be positive stories. We're looking for some of my favorite angry about. Here's my take. If you're getting mad at, if you're a right wing conservative person, and you get mad at Lizzo playing the flute like that, that's left wing. You're the left wing people are mad at them. that the right thing and this is why he's saying is because she's Listen he's saying that the right wing people are mad He's saying the right wing people are mad because she's playing the flute of a slave Exactly. That's what you left wing be mad. No, no, no, no No, I know Why would you go that way? Because the right wing people are mad that she is being disrespectful the angel again the right wing people are [5:06] Are you angel salad. No, are you? Angel Saladon? No. The Jews killed Jesus and an angel. The right wing people are mad because Lizzo is supposedly being disrespectful to his story goes flute. But clearly she's not being disrespectful at all. She's love of flu. She's playing the flu. No. It's gotta be lovely people mad. She's holding it very carefully. Yeah, I agree with that. She's playing it well It's gotta be lovely people that but she's all right with people but she's being Lizzo while she's doing it Like if you're gonna hire Lizzo to do it. What do you want her to do what Lizzo does? Like I said, I'm gonna So We're all well. Oh, I was fucking the first song that was good. We're team. Liz I stand behind you. Good. D&A Man, this is a bike game. Yes Yeah, this is a good That women are funny. Don't get involved to the anchor just this song rules Yes, this is a good soon [6:05] Perfect How many views? Oh my god, you missed. You missed, you almost broke my TV fucking idiot. How many views on this song? There you go, perfect. 5 million. That's a Zerbant. You're surprised this lady made 20 Eda Banana. She's soong. Slaps. Yeah, I tell you. There you go. This is a good song. Connected. Crazy, there's her backup dancers are mad at her. She I It's always how words and back up dancers always get upset Can you please keep on it? How do you run the thing? I love you back up dancers. How do you run the thing? Do you run the thing like someone? You know who's a tyrant? You do run the thing like you a benevolent dictator. We got it. How do you run that camp? We're gonna keep control of these ladies. Look at our my out of line Wasn't you saying there was a losing way way she bring with but there was also that show that show that she's a dancer Put the lucky deal tour and they were their ankles couldn't sustain it like you're a tour That show they're on tour these ladies dancing on tour wasn't it like some kind of crazy thing my six-centre pound life Those like these big girls that were dancing on tour Go without MCL's and well that just looks like an air boy [7:04] This just looks like an air point. Yeah big goal back. It's like these are girls. This just looks like a night. So they get out there. We just got to go on the left. Well, what's going on there? Is that a guy? Is this the California panther? It's fucking H-Foli. It's a two-mo team. It's an ozembek head. Oh my god. Bob is up. There he goes. She's a fun lady. Yeah, she's a fun lady. We got to get her on here. No, no, no. I highly doubt she'd be interested in that. I think she would. I think she would. I think she would. But she would be interested because she would fucking rules. Well, listen, like, watch all that. That's all fun to me. I don't have any problem with the way she played that flute. She was really good at it who else is doing rock flute? It went to the 70s. They fucking till today. They also must have like green-lit it. Like it's not like it was her idea. Yeah, but that was the way it was the gay, they were saying it was fucking liberalist. Liberal's Smithsonian liberalist. So they wanted it to happen because they wanted her to play the flute with a slave owner? Is that right? Yes, they did. They did. They wanted We wanted to be like we did it. And then uh... Like kind of didn't they do it? Didn't they do it though? [8:05] Isn't that like okay to celebrate? Like isn't it? I mean isn't that a weird thing? I know. I agree. It is a weird thing. I mean it's kind of pretty badass. Like a magic being as famous. Yeah black artists is playing a... It's playing a flute of a guy who fucking America. Yeah, imagine being at the concert and this guy's she's playing a fucking president's flute And you're the art is go I don't know how I feel about that But nobody said it's like this rules. Yeah, then I sold on Twitter And I had a couple drinks and I was looking at I was going out and I feel like yeah, I thought show would have been like this is I was at the show. She played the fucking president's flute. Yeah, that is cool. They're not playing a break out He always harmonica It really all depends on who there's your Ragnar Martin Right? This is doing the fucking Imperial March on harmonica I'll say if some Jew ripped a fucking electric guitar that own that Hitler owned it would be cool. Yeah harmonica Lewinsky Like if somebody let Paul McCartney play Napoleon's piano. Yeah, I mean that'll be pretty fucking don't watch wait [9:05] Did he attack us? Napoleon? How do you ever touch America? No, it's a beautiful America. They took my American's youth. That's right. Yeah, they ruined it. Well, they stole Black, Rack, and Roll, and then they came over here and corrupted our sluts. What? The bridge? The bridge? Ah They're fucking story from Hamburg is like one of the wildest stories ever what they went over to Hamburg Germany and they played like six days a week eight hours a day Yeah, for like two years and they came back to Liverpool and everybody's like what the fuck Hey, how are you guys so good? They got good You drink that I'm gonna punch you in the stomach water. You don't like it. Do we drink? Are you that's like that's stolen? What are you born and out for? Hamas people? That's don't don't do what are you doing? No, don't piss in that go to the bathroom. I will go to the bathroom. I am Jesus Christ What happened to you? You're really level up. So unnecessary. You're so unhydratedide I know that's not [010:05] This is way worse than Lizzo, okay squeeze it if you get out of here What's down? You gotta top it off Stop it, it's like we're at a gas station Man, Jamie, I hope you're getting a zoom on this No, no, no, cut this out Why are you doing this? In\u8607\u5dba, that's what I was saying Zoom on this, symmetric head Why are you doing this? Like I had a fucking pee and I know how much I just go out now don't piss in the fucking Licker it's also a small hole you gonna make a problem. I thought this party at times now I agree with Dr. Gay This is fucked up dude Shaking at the end already Joe he thought it was a competition This is for you to you're running hard. I'm gonna get up. I'm gonna go. Yeah, man. Do it. That he on the Piss shaking at the end. Are you Joe? He thought it was a competition. Oh, he's saying he's gonna be It's not a urine. I got out urine. It's more urine than I expected. I'll be honest. What are you doing? I can go longer without being you could I was a bad guy trying well you actually drink this time. I've had six of these [011:04] trying. Well, you actually drink this time. I've had six years. I've had three years. Well, now you got to hold it. The competition's all ruined because Ari just pissed in front of us. That's true. Why'd you do that? Because this is psycho. I've seen Ari piss more than I've seen any other man piss in the entire 56 years of it a lot. She's no one. I've seen Ari piss on air. It's like you had a pie chart of all time It would be like already A truck and shadows in a back alley way of a bar with what you guys are pissing together You're already Kelly could mostly be already pissing You can be easy You like It's easier. It's not easy. You're like, what are you doing? What are you doing? I'm not doing it. What are you doing? Did I piss him? I was in a bottle. I was leaving. I was like, it is kind of a good point. I have to do all this all. Yeah, fight. You fight. You fight. You fight. You fight. I can't get what you're saying Really? It's just it's a literally a urinal attack. There's no piping. It's just to the fence. That goes outside [012:06] Yeah, that's hilarious. Yeah, it's a good one. I hope he's alright. I know I think he's doing I think he's doing good Is he cutting back a little I think he cut back That's not a bad day's day on a better day's I think he's children smoking cigarettes, right? Yes And then somebody just told me he killed Yes, you open up for Bert in the Worcester. Yeah, out there is the mayor of Worcester. Ah, it's in Berktson, the least. Yeah, so he's like Worcester stand up. He's like Worcester material. Yeah, that's up material. I love him to death. Oh, stand up rules. He's one of my favorite people that only pissed on my fucking. Look at him. Yeah, it looks good. He's an animal. He's great. He's got some of the best stand-up like just over the years Oh, yeah, well the one it's got great points. No refunds is like a I saw my king and Hollywood and he goes You know, I've made fun of everybody people asked me like how come you're only gonna Jews and I thought about it And I was like I mean that's that's a decent point [013:01] Here's 35 minutes on Jews point. There's 35 minutes on Jews. That's incredible. It's a masterpiece. So what? The jujube on Kies. Yeah, oh my God. He's just a real deal. Yeah. He's a great comic, he's a great guy. What you see is what you get. There's no getting bullshit. He is who he is. 24-session wise. I love it. Yeah, he went silly. Yeah. And he went in our lifetime, like it happened some day. When they started wearing these suits, and I'm like, well, you do with the suits. He's like, oh, fucking, went to the thrift store. I got some suits, I like it. I like it too. He's just saying, hey, guys, I'm not gonna take any of this serious. I'm having fun. I won't do it. He's having fun. He sold out all these theaters in New York and we all went to every show. And it was great, but I didn't know you could do that. You needed gatekeepers back there. You needed to get comedy sets. That's all gatekeepers. That's all gatekeepers. Huh? Well, somewhere along the line, I can do that one night at a bar show. [014:06] Right. He goes, Oh, wait, I can do that one night at a bar show. Yeah. And then start doing that everywhere. Yeah. He got a mailing list. He and he also just like stayed himself. Yeah. Yeah. No matter what happened. He just stayed himself. He figure out a way to go through all whatever the fuck You're going through and say okay. This is what's happening to me, but I'm still me, you know and and some guys can't do it They try to be something you get a brand going you got to keep it up and it's you can't keep it up forever That's a brand why you're a brand? I have to piss in a bottle Why are you going to back? You're broke dumbass Why you gonna back you Did your brand dumbass? You talking about it is your thing but That's not your butt, your butt, your butt, your butt Go out the plastic one, that's way more impressive If you drink it, you'll be the king of skank fest Oh no, no That was terrifying Almost vomit, imagine if you drank it [015:00] Jesus, crap, it's been the ice still fucking hot This guy's gonna drink. The guy who did the baby bird, he would drink it. He goes, oh, he all this, if I get an internship. Shopper for me. I don't make money. He was already an intern. Oh, really? I just did a high-resistant intern. That's how it was. There was nothing to gain. He did it for the round. He did it for this you gotta be this because you're already 71 so you gotta be this guy I got a big you want to go pee with me more Norman no no Here's a very comfortable you win Clip it you know it's fun fucking as a jarogon That was yeah he literally we were standing with Jamie. He was like Jamie's the best Yeah, he was so mad. I felt I know Jamie you went home and jacked off to that compliment Jamie How hard to jack off dude? Well skill seven to ten just last night or today just last night Jamie oh low key funny Low key Hey bump Jamie you're such a bitch dude now Joe's not here. I'm gonna tell you that fucking hey [016:02] I heard you're a virgin oh Jamie you got a little bitch tiny pierced in Ping keep it going bully You're fucking doctor gay Keep bullying me. Oh, I don't believe you You're gonna be a friend school. He's like a real FSU fan over here. Oh, F you know, they deserve to be up He tried to bully me he bullied me earlier in the football season because he knows I'd like no, no, no, no, no fighting Irish. And then he tried to bully me and then his team got, I'll say what have been in the first place. Everybody, everybody laughed at them. The Seattle storm. Yeah. All right, this year I'm a Michigan football fan. That's funny because they are literally the Jewish team. Are they yeah a lot of other Jews go to Michigan? Yeah, really it's the Jewish team a lot of mission Jews go there I'm also a Tottenham hot spurs fan Yeah, don't you yeah, yeah, yeah, I was in I was in Edinburgh like you guys start watching Football League and they're like watching Arsenal and so we go no a ton of them like yeah, don't I was right? Yeah, especially that beard Yet army what's up Kalamaju when I miss Jamie's a bitch now you're we're just [017:09] sporting Jamo shames are gonna get real nasty it's good thing you shame what's the thing? Yeah, I was knocking this shame claims that others a lot but he's quite often nasty do you think you to allow us to show piss on your desk yeah like this it's gonna cover the dickhead We'll make it as a steph the of Hanukkah. Is it? Oh, don't be sacrilegious. These don't be sacrilegious. Ah, menorah. Lavia Majora. Oh, sorry, Jesus Christ. I can't believe I have to handle your piss off. They got for twice. It's so worth it. It's so worth it. I'm getting a couple once they're like you have it It's not the cup Scarlet or season This is too warm to be healthy I'm boiling piss Boiling When you first got committee on your pissing Of two directions like something's up I don't know what it is [018:00] I never got it How weird is it? It's going to steam in right How weird is it? It's going to steam in right along. How weird is it that there's diseases that can only be transmitted through sex? Yeah. AIDS? No, that's other ones. No, AIDS, AIDS, colinidia, burpees. But no, that's needles too. Yeah. Well, that's any. I'll quote Sam Kennisin, Yeah, well you got Climates. They say it's an infective scene. Committee of gonorrhea. HPV. HPV. Herapy. LV-TVs. Yep, only treatment. But the wild ones, the ones that kill you, like syphilis kills. Syphilis. It makes you have holes in your face and you see your fucking jaw bone. Is that right? Is this right? Or, rug or he goes sy Cypheus was the one that brought it back from Native Americans. That's the one that fucked up. Yeah, what happened was they had a form of it that existed in Europe that from people fucking animals, but then they got another one when people went over to North America and they fucked Native Americans. It was common. And then they went back and brought it to Europe. There seems to be some real evidence in the 1400s that started happening right after [019:02] guys went back from North America. Damn. They started getting, and the people started getting like holes in their head and shit. They're, they have holes in their faces. There's like these really ancient drawings of what people looked like when they're suffering from syphilis. Imagine fucking a hot choktah back then though. That was a hot, you look at the same language. You're just banging some lady in a teepee. That's wild. And then you get some disease that makes holes in your fucking scalp. Yeah, show images of people dying from syphilis jamies. Like, help me. What'd you do? Take the piss jug. I just ruled him. Oh. I didn't know you could get a STD from a Native American. And again, I'm not exactly sure if the syphilis thing. I have to hang two different things I've been told that it existed already, but then I've been told that it's also the different strains that the one that existed in Europe was very different than one existed in our fridge. Instead of going to the fucking doctor, the Bob Hope clinic, you have to take a rod down your fucking cock hole. And they didn't have antibiotics back then. And guys, you're still going for it. The guys are still like, I know that he's your face. No, it's from a toilet seat This is also how a phone died alcohol-pone died of syphilis. Rodd is brain. Yeah, well look at [020:09] Jamie show photographs of people Dying from syphilis. It's fucking terrifying man. It looks makes you rot holes in your fucking head And now we got we got a penicillin Head Man, man, that's what crocodile does yeah, very similar the crocodile man. Oh, man. That's what Crocodile does. Yeah, very similar. The Crocodile. What's that? Russian drug. It's weight your skin. So your exposed bone. That guy's fucking face is good. Wow. That's a kid. What are you gonna go? Why dress up? Why are you wearing a button shirt? Oh, right. That's How do they stay still for a fucking? It's a bunch of different diseases that before things like penicillin, they just killed everyone. They just killed you. Before they came up with antibiotics, people were fucked. Do you know that if the Spanish flu happened today? Yeah. That they would be able to cure all of it with antibiotics? Really? Yeah, it was listening to this podcast. We were discussing what was the cause of the deaths of Spanish flu. And it was a bunch of different diseases that would be also caused by this compromised immune [021:07] system from the flu. You get devastated by the flu and then you get like emphysema or something tuberculosis or something like that. But they were saying that whatever these diseases were in a modern hospital setting, if you came and you had them, they'd give you antibiotics. You'd probably survive. Do you think that would be with COVID 100 years now? They're just giving like muscle thoughts I mean. Well Spanish world just kill everybody. Yeah. There could be the COVID thing. So there was a lot going on with it. Yeah. But I was saying wouldn't they have some new medical thing that like oh you just give a shout out to this. Oh 100% they definitely would. Yeah. But it also would be like why was everybody so sick? Yeah. Why was everybody so vulnerable? Yikes. We're lucky to be alive now and in this country. We're also, like, with the COVID thing, should wake people to fuck up too, is that this whole thing is super fragile. And you think it's not because it's not right now, because right now, Ari can cough, and I could fucking unzip or pull my fucking cord and adjust my seat. Everything's fine. But if right while all this is going on, we got hit by an asteroid, like right now. Oh yeah, yeah, exactly all your safety. Oh, I just attend pushups. I ain't gonna help you now We could just be chilling and you could just hear a subtle boom in the distance like [022:09] And that's a five mile wide chunk of iron hitting China And then the whole world is fucked the whole world is fucked for a million years Yeah, and we probably don't survive and what probably survives is gross Gross probably evolve and just grows and grows grows grow thumbs and their wings So I have in hands on them and they start making buildings. Yeah, just like humans came out of shrews I was just a yukit and they said the whole Gulf of Mexico is just the comet You know that you stupidity and all the stenot days Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh Yeah, that was just a theory until like I think the 80s You didn't know that already? Fucking dumbass. Fucking shit, James. Yeah, that was just a theory until I think the 80s. I think if you look at a fucking map, it's obvious. Kind of. Yeah, but they had to figure out things like core samples and shit. They had to figure out a ridium. A ridium's the big one. Ew. We even had it. Stop doing that dude. Actually, we're gonna use that. We have an example about it's inevitable. It's not as good as dick you know It's 100% inevitable. Just come just get us already [023:07] Well the thing is it's like every June and every September we go what is it the Leonid Leonid? Comment showers we we go through these things every June every November I think this How was that? It hurts America is the best country on earth. It hurts the bro. Yeah, it's a bro. It's so cold Can you imagine how gay you feel if you're from another fucking country. Well, if we did this podcast in Canada, we'd be in jail. Oh, yeah, straight jail. You better have a piss. The Taliban would be a free and Afghanistan having fun with us. Oh, yeah. And the right would hate us. They hate our freedoms. Yeah. If you're wearing a Santa's Santa, I'm doing this, I'm like, oh my God, you cost they must watch our porn and be like this is pretty good Look at you promote a woman shico What if Saudi Arabia steps in and buys protect our parts? They say people to put on the French is a goto. I said fury fight. They step in and go listen guys. We need this America Fallen you know You can either accept that Saudi Arabia make a move to a plan. We have zero crime. Let's go to Dubai. Give me those glasses, Mack. [024:06] You accept that move to a place where we have zero crime. I know you switch already? Are you guys switching glasses? Have I been wearing them the whole time? Yeah, you didn't switch. My retardant. Yes. What do you mean? What happened? I think I'm just retarded. I've been I perform for the troops number one Saudi Arabia UAE I'm with you Saudi Arabia is number one that place is a bummer Joe Biden agrees I went there And it's just sand and murals well murals of weird guys and turbines and shit. It was a real bummer Jesus Christ just ruined our deal with Netflix That was sad. Jesus Christ just ruined our deal with Netflix. We're trying to go to Saudi Arabia. I'm coming from the troop. That's even worse. We got to start supporting... It was the Taliban. We got to start supporting those guys because we're going to have to make the jump, dude. It's going to be dead. The move is we need to get in the oil business. We got to get in the oil. [025:00] We got to start drilling. Where it's all it? Protect our parts oil. Imagine we have protect our parts gas stations. Nobody grows. We'd only get their gas to protect our parts gas stations. Here's your ideas. That's when they would all rest us. If we branched off into gas stations, they'd be like, Hey, here's one strip. We get one strip. We get one strip. We keep them. There's a stripper inside the gas station. She's dancing on the pole. I would go. Oh, I would go. It would just be more doing puns. That's what I think I mean, got him fill up till I got all going for gas. Mark. The station gas station. What's that? Lizzo's butt. That's not bad. Gotta use that for real. Yeah, station. That's what kill our his family. Is this the only time in your life where you can't unreally predict what the world's going to be like in two years. You can't anymore. It's so fast now. It's so fast now. 90s fashions back soon like seven years ago fashion. We back. You're excited about the fashion with the fashion. Everything goes faster. Fast 70s was in five years [026:03] ago than 80s than 90s 80s that makes you wonder are kids Younger than us real gonna go the other way. Yeah, and go hey. We should oh their office the gram Are they yeah, they're like this talks every day? I think I like it. Let's not work. Let's go out and fucking hike are you one of those guys has like idealistic views of the younger generation That's a great version of dudes possible like this next Jan Alpha. Like this next generation is going to save us. No. The next generation always blows. Ah. Millennial sucked. That was like, hey, our fucking older sister sucked. We're doing for a different. We're doing for a fun group. We're good for, we're doing for a fun group. We're good for a trick and do our nine lives. You should have had this idea of generation, The collective group of human beings is only pushed to action when they have to be. And if everything collapses and if the corruption and the chaos is so bad that you don't feel safe ever, then we'll do something. But every step before that, you get more and more cowards that figure out a way to just [027:00] hard guys make soft dicks. Yeah. What? What? Hard guys like soft dicks. What? Soft dicks make hard guys. Yeah. That's it. You know, this is like a fucking cycle of nature. They talked about this in the ancient Hindu texts and the Vedas. This is like, this is the Kaliyuga. This is the Kaliyuga. This is the Kaliyuga. This is the age of confusion. I don't know. They figured it out a long time ago. These are like these times where people are working toward something and then they achieve it and they get too successful and things get weird. And then they start creating their own bullshit and not appreciating things and not practicing gratitude and it all fucking comes tumbling down and greed., they'll accept it this already now what's wrong instead of going hey it's pretty great, but at least we get to talk about it yeah talk about the hard times because the guys are stripped are not bringing up gender yeah they're not at all very good point very good point yeah but there also there are also not very divided on whether or not kill all the Jews is okay to say yeah that pretty much pretty much is a stupid thing. I mean, it's like, I'll be honest, [028:05] if I was a guy in Gaza and they blew up a fucking block of a city, I'd go, it's time to kill all the Jews. Yeah, sure. I mean, I'm close anyway, and I have nothing's happened to me. I know, I do that. I'm really, you already hate you are the creator and founder of Shroom Fest. Yeah And isn't it isn't it kind of amazing that there really is Lucius yeah The release of the solution of World conflict if we've really made every world leader if they all got together and You know we obviously would have to come together. They can't be the whole world They have to be protected otherwise it'd be bad actors who take advantage They fucking sleep away camp close down somewhere something you guys love camp make them make them all do it Do mushrooms have a good time everything safe mush with and then have someone talk to you about things. Yeah We have speakers do mushrooms the whole weekend and Have some really calm people talk to you about alternative ideas. Yeah, I think it's July 21st week in the year There you go. Yeah. Why did you start it, Ari? [029:06] 10 years ago. Jamie? Jamie, play cool music. You should keep that folder always open. Well, parties go. Actually, play Christmas music. I know a man could fuck you, but also this is the holiday. It is a Christmas episode. So maybe we should start bonding years for America also. Christmas. What song? We got a point set. Holly, John, Lee, who ever is borrowing and gets picked a wonderful Christmas song? Doesn't Mariah Carey have a Christmas song? Oh, you got the tape on that one. Let's go now. Play. Should be Matt. Yeah. That's yours? OK. Who wants? No, that's it. OK. That was singing. We get in trouble for that one Jamie. I like the waitresses are well. Well, they come for us. I'm skipping Hey, this is good To add this is an ad that sounded nice you guys can't get the ad free This is like you took it all over time on this last night when I was a kid I get mad people Come on man, bonk it a beer to this is very fun. This is kind of nice This is fun. She was a hot hole. I wait for the drop then bonk it [030:05] Look at the magic. They had a hot magic in there. Oh, look at her. Look at her. I didn't remember a hot magic. I don't remember. There's another hot magic. Oh yeah. The cannon pot. Yeah. Why? The cannon is a bugger. My cannon. Oh, Nicky. Nicky and he used to fuck. Katie, back to show. Drops coming. Wait. This is when it kicks in. Wait. Yeah, it's dude. This is the most played Christmas song I've ever had. Shotgun. Shotgun. Yeah. Yeah. Happy holidays, everybody. That's fun. Yeah, let's keep doing it. Let's keep doing it. This is his The song is fun. It's killer. What a background party she had. God damn she was a body she had. I think she's an interracial one. Yeah you think? She's human bro. That's a hot human. Stop messing with details. Ooh I think P. Diddy was up in that for a hot minute. P. Diddy fuck my eye care. Oh yeah. I'll tell you what it turns out P. Diddy fuck a lot of boys Allegedly allegedly is the word oh shit [031:08] Well no one's funnier about he did it in 50 cents Oh my god 50 cents is a savage really that dude That's everybody he's rich can you give a fuck net net can co Oh, yeah, I think that doesn't doesn't care his out what do he do he just why he distracted us from fifty cents i'm sorry i'm sorry fifty rules i just wanted to fifty hilarious he's hilarious why don't you subscribe to the premium i do have it i've never never got this is like when you fuck your old pandora and add comes on yeah for me undies and that's it it's a point Yeah For me undies Let's see who's point Oh look at that guy wait for the drop guys. This is Christmas And this back when a black folk weren't allowed to do stuff Now what I want to give you original [032:03] Maybe it's good If it's you're not playing these Spotify song here You better be we don't even know Drunk the only way to do this properly is to not pay attention that smart I pay attention to almost nothing You gotta have this butterfly they fired Megan Markle Bruce Springsteen Obama and Kardashian Obama Yeah, but they also hired them. Yeah, yeah Someone We tell them you got a point set out here. We enjoy it the thing about podcasts This is important It's not as easy as it seems. It's like stand up and it's like Just what I'm saying because people in stand up people are talking and you're like I can talk I see Ari on stage. She's talking everyone's laughing. I can talk to I think I can do it No, it's not a doctor. You're not wrong. I'm genuinely I watch it [033:01] I watch I watch on you on stage and I go I can do that I've never seen somebody on stage more than I've been like wait him I can go beard I'll do that Oh my god I'm hailed scar Oh shit Dude out of hell Doctor gay over there Doctor gay she's so hard to I'm not sure what you're talking about I'm so fucking gay I can't believe I took in cigar smoke Take it in words Set up punch on I dropped my left hand The best song is Sam Adam Sanosanica or the waitress is Christmas Right now you gotta go Sam there for honor Love we never discussed love sand. I think Sandler might be the goat. Bro, I just wish I didn't. I need to be the goat. Never part in. When I went to New York for the UFC, I landed an airport right when he was about to leave. And I ran into him. That guy's the fucking man. He would be the coolest. Holy nice, Sandler is so genuinely nice. He needs to come to Swartz and parties and just hang out. Dude, I've known that guy for fuck, I don't even know now. [034:08] Like, more than 20 years. He never got serious. He's always been so genuinely nice. Great guy. My daughter loves him because you were during the pandemic. We lost him. We lost him. During the fucking pandemic. But they're always telling us, he's telling a pandemic like when everybody got locked in their houses for fucking two months remember those days We watched nothing but out of sandwich movies because it was like something that I would enjoy and they would enjoy We'd all enjoy it together. Yeah, so we watched everything we watched water boy Water boy Billy Madison happy Gilmore everybody's more as this shit true True Connoisseur. Yeah, water bull. You can't beat it. It's the roll. But they're all at the same level. Ficky Valentine Cole. You know his not a fan is the Harvard president. Come on. I'm asking, it's water bull. Can you imagine I depthed Adam Sandler? That is the water thing. If you look at like the reviews, like professional critics, if professional critics review Adam Sandler movies, [035:06] they're horrible. Like you're so wrong. It's different than silly. It's why I call this special. If you don't like the Zohan, if you can't watch that movie and laugh your fucking ass off, then which is about the conflict. We're not looking at the same thing. Well, you can't pretend this is fucking apocalypse now you're either on the side of funny or a guest funny Yeah, if you like if you don't like you be Halloween You are the dumbest motherfucker of all time. It's a Halloween is on that bike. You be Halloween is so fucking good Hey, go all right, dude That's good for the juice. That's all you are a spin-whousers guys called it W Well, they're doing all right, Jews. That's good for the Jews. That's all you are. Spin Wild since you guys called it W. Well, they're doing all right in business. Everything else is not great. Athletics. That was a good win. Born. My management team. Yeah, same. Yeah, obviously. Yeah, if you're doing well, yeah. [036:01] Get a good joke. Get a good joke. You know with the fuck they're all those Susan Saran and got a got a nice taste a little dreidel upper ass Happen she got fired for what she got let go for making some Hamas stuff Let go from what being old oh You know everybody wants to be a fucking political Out of it just be like Sandler just stay the fuck out of it. He stays out. There's out Just keeps making fun stuff making fun stuff all right. I don't side of funny, you don't care or you're against the funny. And they don't care. Yeah. They just like get you. If you can't, Susan Sarandon apologizes for a terrible mistake of making anti-Jewish comments. She's just like, after she's just like Will Smith, just that actress got caught up and shit and was like, oh, people aren't. Dude, if I was up there and they hand me my can their palston you like I would say the wildest Killin juice there's nothing yet. I would get caught up. I don't even eat pork here frown. I am delivered No more [037:01] I'm not gay no more. I am delivered. I am delivered. Urch, urch. We deliver. We enjoy. I don't date women. I only date women. I don't want to wear a purse. He's clearly specifically naming what he wants to do. What is this? We never bought that to him every hospital. I don't know. I would not put on makeup! You guys put on makeup so bad. Oh, well, man. You want to talk about this? Now, watch the dancing. Listen, what? Your face got whipped. Oh, no. Wait a minute. I thought it believed God whipped him. Have that gay no more. Hey. It's This is Kiltoni. This is Tony and Red Man every day. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. Man, Jordan Peele is cooking. He really does look exactly like that. [038:00] I'm showing up the leaps. Yeah, I'll show you. Okay, what is this? Do you get it at the beginning? I'd like to get one of this keep going. We got oh wait. What's the song? What's the song? Hey? This is my song here we go He's delivered make that excuse Yeah quick homes I really need sunglasses. Yeah. You have to do it. I'm not going to make up. He just lists everything he wants. I'm not carrying a purse. Wow. Oh, yeah, look at that. He's got to be a comedian now. How's he doing? James. Oh, wait. Is he still going? We got to get him on the phone? He's going to be. You think about what for? It doesn't go away. Right. You don't just cure gay. You think that Angel Salazar did with Scarface? That dude should be able to do with that YouTube video. Exactly. Right until the sunset. Probably save That's as funny as it gets. I would literally pay to see that guy. After being delivered from a sexuality. [039:05] Delivered. And you call well says he now has a girlfriend. You see this lady like, look at his outfit. Look at his outfit. His girlfriend's big mic. We all, we all look very heterosexual. Us? Yeah, the way we were dressed. We're all heterosexual. I was startled. Mark, right right I went to a fucking EDM show Who's the gayest one in protect our parks? Who's the Gays? I think you I think you would do some gays you've made out with big J where's the whiskey? No, I am that was Lewis Lewis yeah, you took you to do you can really made out with them But yet no one worries about either one of them being gay. Yeah, that's why it's funny They're not gay. They're doing this gay thing. That's one of the beautiful things about the comedy community Nobody gives a fuck of your gave your funny. No, nobody gives a fuck of your trans of your girl If you're a boy like no one cares about anything the gayest dudes are so funny [040:07] Just like let me do something super gay that is hilarious. Yeah, that's straight dude I'm talking like the most of the gay dudes like the tail Mateo is so funny the funny guy. I tell you is the like band leader for gay Here joke here joke. I don't know if he put it out whatever if he didn't delete it Yeah joke about he plays called duty him and his gay friends play called do they're like in there like looking at like like oh look at the wallpaper Call of booty Not stop paying call of duty He's killer I am for it is a gay version. This is okay. It's the only game where you're shooting and decorating at the same time You're literally mid-battle you're like say fire, we need a bay window. I'm like, what? Call of Duty, they want it to be so real. To the point where you go in the battlefield, your commander yells at you, he's like, all right, everyone, your mission, murder everyone. And I'm so naive, I'm just like, I play Nathan Lane in the bird cage. I don't even understand how this is legal. Everyone's wearing headsets, right? So you can only hear your own teammates. [041:06] But in Call of Duty, when you kill someone else on another team, you can hear three seconds of their audio. So all you hear in the battlefield when you kill someone is like, kfff, kfff, kfff, kfff. And I'm so naive. I'm like, how do they know? Oh, he He's so good. Well, clearly Ken, why don't they beat that out? Let's go. This is a couple of things. Stupid world we're living in. Ken, wait for mine reading, bring it on, bring it on. It's exposed everyone. Mine read that. Let's go. Joe, we cannot have mine reading plus legal acid. We can fix this. Mine reading is bad. Mine reading is gonna result in, your woman is in a, women are gonna be segregated. Why? If you brought, dude, what would happen? If you meet your best friend's wife in your head, like, yeah, I'd like to fuck her from behind. Like, you know about it. It's gonna be disgusting. It's gonna happen. You're gonna have to learn how to curb those thoughts, homeboy. Never gonna happen. It's a blink. [042:00] It's a blink. It's a What's going to happen? This is what it'll be. This will be. There'll be like many layers of what a thought is. There's a thought. I'm not going to like categorize. But the early days, when it's like Mark comes in, just nice, shaven. I'm like, oh, what the fuck that? Oh, right. What? But it's you are the gay one, dude. What? I knew you were gonna talk about. Men's thoughts are out loud, and women's are not in this movie. I thought it was very interesting, but what you're saying is what is happening. Well, Shapel had that old bit when he was forcing a little bit in this movie. That's hilarious. Shapel had that old bit when he was forced away. They're the ones who's like I'd like to hold it down and fuck it. No, no I was trying to talk you fucking animals. She's probably when he's 14 about how superheroes He's like, you know, what if black or Batman went to a black neighborhood? Where's the car Robin? Whatever, but he had a great bit about Wonder Woman as a last-o of truth. So if she scooped you up, you'd be like nice to [043:07] But it's true. That's what we would think. If you could do mind reading, we'd be proud to do it. But what would we be? But it's in the problem is that we can't read minds. Shouldn't people adjust the way they think about things? No, we can't help it. I bet you can if technology arises. Here's the thing we can do. There's no way. You're a pro is fine. Yeah, you're gonna get to the next Google the next Who goes mind reading Joe what? There's no way if in your head get in there, bro Listen to me recipes I really am pretty consistent So here's another jalapeno steak a really into reverse here, but So here's another hall of pain you'll stay. A hall of pain. Really into reverse here, but a hall of pain comes up to you. A hall of pain. A hall of pain comes up. Imagine a hot lady. She looks directly into your mind. You're not going nice. No more to you. No more to you. No more to you. It's like, well, if we do, if we get mind reading, right, and when a single woman is all day, he walks up to you and goes, [044:06] I think I don't have to work anymore. I mean, that's it. That's it. Yeah, what a realistic goes. Like this guy, like he's a sweet guy. Yeah, I don't think we need technology for that. Yeah, I can make myself love him. Imagine you're a married woman, you get a lot of treadmill treadmill and then you look over and you're like, oh, there's Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I'll have to, maybe I'll have to hurry up. I could suck that and get that. I could suck that. I could suck that and get that. I could suck that and get that. I could suck his dick into a full future. Yeah. Yeah. It's so easy. We're so vulnerable because we're all like, And the hot woman is so fucking powerful. Take it easy. I'm sorry. I really just wanted you to say, when you see Laurence and Jef Faiso, you're like, I get it. Yeah, they know who's the chick from. Who's the chick from? The chick from my Transformers? Megan Fox. Oh, yes. It's just like you can do whatever you Just like superior genetics like I'm talking pure soft [045:09] Take these headphones off you keep talking sexual sorry boys who just who just did the Transformer voice What voice? That was me sorry all right. That was good. I'm just fucking around But yeah, we can't have too much right a A little ignorance is bliss. You need a little bit of fakeness. Yeah, but that's not gonna happen, man. I'm telling you, that's the bottleneck. The bottleneck is end of society. You'll need some of the past job time. It'll be so bad. It'll be way worse. We think so. It'll be as bad. We think so. For me, as bad where we're my girlfriend around my friends and listen to my friends thought of like I fucker I'd fucker I'd fucker yeah of course I'm about this I wouldn't fucker what else let me tear yeah yeah I'll tell you what airy airy I never heard it better arey yeah whatever that's I mean that's that's the worst yeah you bring a hot [046:01] you think all these guys are my girl wait why does that guy not and then a guy you bring your girl around a guy goes me I have to kill him Or how about this when you you see your friend is with this woman and you're like oh, that's gonna be the end of him Yeah, or your buddies maddie That's the one we've seen that one. Oh, so many times. Yeah, I go that'll be the end Hey, it's been good hanging out with you for the last 10 years. We're not gonna hang out with you anymore because you got some fucking controlling lady. Yeah. I've seen some guys who had real potential. And then all of a sudden they got involved in some woman. And then they totally deleted it. And then the woman forces them to quit their job. I mean my god, he's at the fucking verge so many guys are so close and comedy anymore because of that Yeah, for real, but if you're Honestly honestly, aren't you a woman in your bank and on a dude like the belt it's off How many women have saved all of us from some just fucking retard lingering around? What do you mean? I'm saying like a lady going like so there's a guy you started with that sucks and then a woman [047:06] he finally meets a babe and she goes please God stop doing standup you suck oh you good point it's important we're like he's annoying everybody's important to have a nasty woman there to ruin everything yeah wounded ampholips can't walk by the water hole yeah it's all that we need need those dollars. That's what the crocodiles are there. For every guy who could have been something, they got taken away by a woman, there's seven guys that need to be taken away. Yeah, this way we're taking up station. We're more antelopes where the crocodiles live. That's funny. They talk about, they talk about, like behind every great man is a very strong woman. Behind every complete loser is a truly strong woman. That crossed his spirits. Right. Like, it's so true. It's so true. It's some smart woman was like, stop. What you're doing. You suck. No, future. Well, also it's like, that's a weird dynamic when the woman has all the power. Yeah. Like I was, I was fucking around on stage about McKenzie Bezos, how she married a science teacher. Like when Kenzie Bezos divorced Jeff Bezos, she made like $38 billion and she married a dude [048:07] worth $3,200. I was just like, how is this gonna work? In the last 16 months. Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm fucking tapped out. You can pretend for as long as you want, but you don't, like that's hard, fuck it. What women should focus on is guys who have potential, but don't know it yet Yeah, and then let them build this and you just I was with you from the beginning I support you are he's pissing again, holy shit if you're a woman that's worth 38 billion dollars like what do you do? You work that much exactly what do you do like what are you? I'm not But women like us You're looking at wrong you should be nursery You're looking at wrong I'm be nursery that listen You're looking at wrong. You're looking at wrong. I'm looking at it right big head on that a woman who has 30 Orian doesn't need anything from you So why she listen to anything you have to say all she wants is big dick every NBA player every white they had every hot actor They just get an Instagram fucking influencer none of them get a scientist. All right. I got asked [049:01] Mass majority right don't get any smart check this that's a lot Jamie keep play joy to the world by No, no definitely You have oh here comes dude. This is a jam All right, wait a minute Look at him go down easy I'm up. That one down really you know what Shane you have fun We have an interesting Which I some bro you got a fun thumb Because your fun your thumb doesn't go straight up. Yeah, you thumb goes all the way back Oh, yeah, I don't have that angle. I got it. Yeah, or he's got it. I already thumbs crazy JBSO you don't know you got no curve on it. Yeah, I think you guys got it. James got it hard. James. Oh That's insane. You guys all have fun thumbs except Fun thumbs [050:01] It's pretty close. Yeah, I'm fun thumbs my ears are connected. I get that all day. Oh yeah That's a weird one. You can look at Biden. It's a difference. It's like your thumb If it if it doesn't go all the way back to serial killer Hyper mobile It's like your stuff bro when I was in high school I remember those dudes there was dudes they could take their thumb and and push it all the way there for that That's insane. Got it. Can you do that? Oh my god, you can do that easy big fella. Is that touching your forearm? It is. Oh my god. Mine's not even close. Oh, I can't do it on this hand. Jamie used to be able to do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it anymore. My chest is not even close. comfortably thumb. How which way do you go? That's better. But never where you can go. Under. Hands here. I can't get it there. No. I can't get it. Come close. I'm a solid inch and a half a word. An inch and a half a word. I can't even get in close to the nut. Jamie, I got a request for that. Contrary to the thumb? Maybe an inch. That's another one. Some people could do. We're playing that in cold. Joyce, who the world. [051:05] Well, pre-internet, double-jointed guys were king. King. What the fuck is that? That hated grammar school. Like some of them were like, whoa, you're like, what? Yeah. Domely grammar school. They were the king. They were the king. They were the guy who did the a big one above the eyelids, freak team. Everybody. Yeah, that was a big one. That was a big one. Oh, we had to make fun. Remember the bat wing with your dick? You remember the first guy that comes? I got a spider boat. You remember that guy? When you were a kid, come here.. Yeah, I like the bad guy who's my age What was the age that you both were Are you back in time with me right now? Oh my look at the stack of buzzer. No, no, no, this is everybody's [052:02] Two of those are are Oh my god, I'm taking a picture of that guy. No, no, no, this guy's no shut the fuck up. That's amazing Some of those are it's everybody's everybody fuck I'm putting that shit on one give me give me that I'm the king of misinformation misinformation Shout out like I'm spread that miss misinformation Mike Connolly he got he got pubes and hair before all of us on Irish gun And then he played he would call my house and he would go like hey Shane there And I remember my parents being like no Yeah, yeah, you guys jerk off together. Oh, yeah, we did that I did that guys. It's fun You should try it. I get a lot of shit for that online. I was like no one did that I feel sat sad. All the guys, all the guys who say they didn't do it, did it. I understand why they think it's crazy, but they didn't have friends. I guess so. If you had friends and one guy had porn, you jacked off. Yeah. Why would you share this off the pitch? We should treat. VHS take. Well, we got the payment. Tommy tape And that was a big deal. We all got together. When I was a kid, the VHS tape came out. [053:06] I was a kid in high school. And you could get porn. Yeah, I'm like other kids start getting porn. They were sharing porn. It's cool. Yeah, we fucking trade porn with each other. And remember, it was like VHS tape. It was an orange tape or a blue tape. It was always colorful. And they have little pieces of the little fucking he said you'd be able to write on what it was Yes, yeah, bro. It was difficult to jack off back That I was a magician back there right I said if you want to watch that's times where you're on high good enough I know that was you would right. I'll tell you what you jack off to that now you've got a problem. Yeah now It's like girl's young. Yeah, really? How was she was in high school right no one you a young girl it was like That was crazy. She was in high school, right? But when you were a young girl, it was like, oh, she was a young girl. She was pretty crazy. Like me and that guy were both jacking off. Yeah, we all, we all got that. Oh, that guy was my acting teacher in K. Really? Yeah. Oh, what? Did he try to convert you to Scientology? No, that wasn't one of those schools. That was Acting schools man is Scientology really big That's what I do like that a girl I dated went to a Scientology acting school is right behind [054:07] I got it this fucking thing and watch what oh my god What one of things that was fascinating was they they'd have these moments where they would just like they'd give them the Opportunity to do whatever they wanted on stage so they called like a private moment They'd go up like pretend to read a book and like cough. It was so strange. I was like what what's going on here? I like why is everybody so I told you? Yeah, and then Calon was involved in one. I bet and Calon told me about it. And he said to like do the everyone of sign top. What is this? Oh, Phoebe Kates. Phoebe Kates was so pretty. So uh, yeah, with the bitch. Fire that up, James. She's around 17 or 18 during filming. All right Classic scene her come on This is rapid guys. I got a question. Yeah, who's your favorite Christmas gift? It's not your ex- Come on, dude. Obviously I'm out You had some good moments in Hanukkah You got a candle I got nothing forever and then What do you mean nothing I got you parents didn't give you gifts? Yeah, I mean they just it's just sucked. It wasn't good [055:03] Okay, and then one year one year eighth grade hooker I got a TV In the guest room in our house. They had like a TV room now, and then they got me a PS2 whoa That was number one. That's pretty good. I've ever seen the black egg. It got some fake it my dad He'd the PS to we mean so I opened all the gifts and they were like that was what you got this here Mm-hmm He'd the PS2. So I opened all the gifts and they were like, that was what you got this here. It was like, all right, yeah, great socks underwear. And they got like, we're check behind the couch. PS2, grand theft auto. That's nice. See now that we filmed, and then have you be like, oh, socks. Have you ever seen, like, like life. That kid gets a fake Xbox, but you got an Xbox. Little blackhead. It's me. Is that Jamie? Jamie? My Nintendo. Oh, nice. Nice. Nice. Look at this fucking house. Look at the, what's the thing in the back? Wow. We did a piece of music. This is a TV on the floor. That's a great TV with a system. Hell yeah. I like't believe your parents love you [056:10] That's nice you were young when you got that good shit. Yeah, it's about to turn six We had a tough Christmas up my parents got us all a garage they all shit Yeah, and we were we open it we're like oh Used wrestling buddy with stains What's a wrestling buddy? What's a wrestling buddy? Take up to your room and you cut a hole in it. It's a stuffed animal Macho man Randy Savage As you know they spent a lot of money on it and they saw your They saw your Yeah, yeah, I look like exactly like stoke Yeah, yeah, you know The two I had oh my god Yeah, yeah With the whole cruel shirt on well, that's the guy I got used ones. They had jizz on it and [057:03] If they ever really do invent robot fucked all mean just think about what they're able to do now with face walk Go my song first You get another one go We just hop in a gula, alright. I'm gonna be again. No. Yeah. I gotta be Really not feeling really healthy. I will I will say you've changed since I changed you tried to push me to the brink last No, you Point I will just be Joe as a listener you push pushed me to bring one time since then you've been seeing every episode I broke my juices. Yeah, you broke me. I just like to Yeah, you broke me put on having a gila for a fear Damn Shotgun that beacon theater Shreep port tickets are low. All go hurry up in a gila hit it baby nice put it down fatty yeah I do actually yo for real though free palisine there you go yeah look at me in the face [058:01] oh free palisine oh very you mean they they had been to two thousand five free palisines guys I'll be the palisine finals January 13th Free Palestine. You mean they had been to 2005? Free Palestine. Guys, I'll be in the Palestine arch, January 13th. Just cut it out. I'll be in the Tempeon Tucson this week. The tickets are always your free.com. Denver's set in the record for shows. All right, you're free.com for the River to the sea. Where you set the record? Denver's straight sold out shows in the company works. Doing two straight weeks. Hell the country. First week of March, second week of March. First week of March is on sale now. Setting their record best club in the country. Why wouldn't it go anywhere else? Palestine Pro people go bomb that Yeah, you pay 1.25% go bother him. Protests. Protests outside to be great for sales. So you're under the Boston Toronto on sale this week. There you go. Mark Novikov. That goes. on sale this week. There you go. Mark Novichau, that goes. I know. Yeah. All right. Yeah. The shotguns go down so hard so fast. There's the throw to hit the throw. It's like the brain freeze. Yeah, it's cold. Well, can you explain what brain freeze is? Because I always thought it's when you're out. I got whiskey here. I think it like what's brain to the temples you don't get in brain Free is a myth. It's it means a roof of your mouth. Yeah, yeah, you really like a I get it in here [059:09] Like too cold to go after Slurpy by never get it anywhere up here. What is it? I think people have a hard time Discerning what you Know I'm gonna take it. It's so much pain back here that you think it's in your brain really? Yeah I think people have heard it's so much pain back here that you think it's in your brain really Yeah, I think it's flaring from the back of your throat. It's so hardcore. Yeah, that your brain is like holy shit What is this because it's like literally like your floors rattling like what is going on down there? Why is it so cold down there immediately brain? Because the Murphy like the clip lorpy though, but it gets you in the throat We like huh? We're kind of getting in the back of my brain you do yeah, yeah, I kind of get nice mark Funny I get I get a Brain freeze me anytime I do coke really you ever get that the back You ever snort something and it hurts kind of back when I move fast sometimes I'm like how what is that? [1:0:01] It's being a coke Hunter Biden's in trouble? Is he holy shit? Cuz there's waiting that guy Days that they're gonna hunt 100-night movie and it's gonna fall in a little cuz his life fucking rules Nick Cage Nick Cage's the kind of mind joke. Give me that oh yeah, he should Nick Cage is Hunter Biden. I think you spent 827 K on hookers. He rules Chottle truck son is that what you do when you win the lottery? The dad president lot. I He rules. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. He should be. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'm not going to judge him. You can't judge him. What's your song, Joe? What does it sound like? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no house Hey, there we go, rundium. See Christmas and houses up there. [1:1:06] It's clean. Let's give it a shot. It's gonna be three all time. Christmas and house. Let's go with that. All right, but keep that hard by me. Oh, sorry, my bad. Jamie can open that up. He's just. Wait for it. Where for the draw? Oh, there it is. The December 24th at Halloween. Yeah, it's wonderful. Very nice. Come on fire it up. It's crazy that Aero Smith had to throw them a bone. No, it was the other way around. Oh interesting. Yeah. A little reindeer. That's very fun. Shotgun that way. Joseph come on. This is your ass Joseph. Hey, just a sock. Man, well done, buddy. We're gonna be retarded. I'm sorry. You're already there. What are you retarded? Dude, me and Jeroz want to see them. [1:2:00] I don't want to. I don't want to. Let me tell you something. The world needs this. Let me change my voice. The world needs this right now. The world needs this kind of for for level stupidity that we provide. Dude, me and Zeros want to see them at Forest Hills and it was all cool Jays like Rock the Bells and they're like saying everyone's got to stay on time. Run DMC is there in Queens and they're like, hey, we got to wrap it up everywhere is behind and whoever the of here. I don't hurry. I'm run DMC and this is Queens. You're gonna wait. That's exciting. It was so fucking cool. I will never have that. I'm like, I gotta get off. I got it. Yeah, go, go. All right. Thank you. Thank God. We're thinking about shows as people get so controlling. Yeah. It's literally the opposite of entertainment team. Yeah, he was like, what's that? What's, what, time's up? Cool, bags. Yeah, yeah. No. Is that water? Dude, Mark's trying to balance out. You're always the biggest coward. I'm the only one who's got that. I'm the only one who cup in this whole room. [1:3:07] Where you have coffee? Hillary Duff, Slavells. Oh. Yeah. Can we get some more coffee? I need a mug. There we go. He's got hot here. Can you write? Yes, that's the one. Oh, Hillary Duff got hot. Hillary does it? Got a little sticky. Ooh. I like her. This is for the troops. There you go. Licky Dickie. Is he gonna piss in that too? What do you got? Oh my god. Ari. Jesus Christ, don't piss. How much? How you? I do. Hell yeah. Hit me there. Give me just a little peppy. There's Whoa Remember she threw that bog out the window dump riders I'm into it. Thank you What am I looking at? What you do? It's nothing season. Oh It's good. It's helping everybody the whole country's coming out of her off [1:4:00] Disney show she had a show our Nickelodeon something Nice ball Disney show she had a show our Nickelodeon here something Music kids Nice ball pet up. Is this good? Yeah, that's fun. I Wasn't a pet up back then dude. I was a pet myself when she threw that ball out the window in Manhattan What out of an upper-story cops knocked out the doors took a ball a glass ball Big one and just chucked out the window Whoa, there's some with the mouth cheers rules they get hot right? Timberlake's hot any spear like they all get hot Aguilarer Britney Spear yeah all of them Sexy pressure creates diamonds Our he loves diamonds Diamond what was your best Christmas gift skateboard? Yeah, we're so excited I love just these Joe fucking Ali Yeah, you didn't demand a buy a minute by that's okay Very different she rules fuck I knew really don't wouldn't do something like that The benefit is a wild stallion. Who's that lady? A man of mine Which is it James she's back in the news today because I think she announced a podcast. Oh really? God everyone listen to it. Yeah. All you have to just throw a bomb off the window. You got Ari's vote. Oh, she's the best [1:5:09] Super simple who is she a man of mine. She was on life. She was on like the the witch show And she's throwing bombs out the window Man, I fully support her work. Thank you, Joe. I knew you would. I like what you're doing Yeah, those kids stars are fucked. Yeah yeah But make sure it's like doesn't hit people in the head Whoa, whoa is that her? Oh? I'm not great. I'm off the train now you back on dude. That's all it. No's rain the face out to like Slow down no news. We might want to look at different options We might want to look at different options. I do this. I do this is gonna be a good podcast. This is a good one. I like your Santos. He got you got expelled to Santos. George Santos. Oh, he's George Sanchez. Monson, the Holocaust, dad's a 9-11. He's the whole thing. What? He made up a lot of stuff and he got elected. Oh, that guy. Yeah, they like this awesome. There you go. Intox with federal prosecutors about possible plea deal. [1:6:07] Oh, my son. He's in fog. He'll be on here soon. Bro, it's a wild, it crazy people can get all the way to like positions of power like full on fucking insane. He's like, turns out the voter class is retarded. So, he's a thing. Well, here's the thing. If you're going for like low level stuff. Yeah. Right, city councilman, who the fuck is being a Frenchman? Who's gonna say whether you lie or not? Who's paying attention? Well, I was actually a, what's he saying? He's a gammio. He's a gammio. I wanted to say, I could birthday to me before my birthday. He's got to make a fortune. The $300 you can get me. It doesn't stop anyone posting anything That'd be a funny post if I really like him announced all my tour dates. Joe Joe is gonna be at My god If you had one person that would announce every show you ever did who would it be? Oh [1:7:04] Woody Allen. Yeah. By the way, remind me of that after the show's over. Any haul is a scene where the other guy's friend goes, I had two women last night, 16 year olds. Pull it up. That's great. Really? It's just a different time. It wasn't even like, can you believe it's like, they put it out as big as they could have yeah Tell me what the car That was his name Wow Different times it's crazy looking at different times The way the slavery was accepted the way like smoking non-fucking late night was like whatever smoking is now like a label like hey watch out They're smoking in this movie wow not even anal just smoking You not even anal Cammy owes a good question What do you mean? Who would you pick? Who would you pick who'd you pick for what For what or like all time? Oh, J. George. Oh, J You do Tolls I mean if I could get Trump if you get Trump for a thousand bucks a date you would do it. Yeah. Oh yeah Pay for itself [1:8:00] 100% you go straight to arena. Yeah, got a thousand shows bitch you're out there show rich Here to fucking miss a I didn't think I was gonna make any money. I thought I was definitely be a dead retarded guy Well, you got a like a hot hot mom car. That's a nice nice car. What are you talking about? That's a white Ben. No, that's a dude. He's got a dog caravan. Love you. Thank you, Joe. That's a dude. I listen. Mark Tell me. Tell me. Tell me about our test drive. Tell me why you want to talk fast? Listen to me. Tell me. Hold on a second, Mark. I'm gonna roll up. Shane Gillis, I came to your fucking house and I took you to the Mercedes dealership. Really? Tell me about my test drive. I would have, I would have, I would have literally never bought a nice car. What did you do Joe open it up? Joe Joe is literally, every single thing I do, I need Joe Rogan going, do it bitch. I'll never do it. I need Joe to, I actually, I need Joe to see my fucking closet in my house. That's a nice closet. My house. With your own, you're supposed to stay in the house. [1:9:02] I have nothing. You nothing you're gonna Yeah, but that's that's how I was pulling you going It was like you were telling me I'm picking a get a nice car. Let's get you in a nice car Yeah, he goes you go with me. I go fuck you I'll go with you And so I know a lot about Mercedes. I loved them. I don't even own one, but I like I forgot one I'm just a giant fan of engineering. It's a great car That do that as class is the class is nice It's the shit because it's fast enough. What do you want a fucking brace track? It's fast enough and it's this luxurious I can see when you pulled on to the highway was like you're up was great traversing through these lanes These in a lap of luxury Your guys these new York guys these days No, but the charger phone I'm joking I'm joking But I will say you guys are fucking complete losers I gotta be more I'll say I bet you do I gotta sit here by rental I got no year long sit here by my friends You got more about that car [1:010:00] I knew as much or more about that car than the fucking dude who was selling to you But I was like dude you gotta tell him how fun this shit He didn't know shit. I was telling him like this Did Joe took me this Porsche once and he was like let me open it up We just went on the fucking 101 it wasn't even like a test track He's like let's go and I got the weather. I just don't know. I'm actually pretty frightened Do you see the super truck speed that want you to know? Did yeah? Yeah, yeah the cyber truck cyber truck. Yeah, yeah, that was crazy. Towing a Porsche Beat a Porsche and drag race in a big-ass truck 2023 portion 911 and you have a cyber truck Towing the same car and beat in an race look at this So it beats in the drag race It's fucking toe in a car. That can't be real. It's real. That's real. It's real. It's real. It's real. It's real. It's real. It's real. It's real. It's real. It's real. It's real. It's real. close right that thing gets a zero to 60 and like under three seconds I mean it's seven thousand pounds it's immediately at a hundred percent [1:011:07] immediately it's also it doesn't have gears it doesn't have gears yeah it's not shit this is the end of it that's a breaststroke it's not even close it's not even close Liam Thomas could carry a woman behind her and still in the gold medal I know a lot about regular cars. Like regular combustion engine cars. There's only one car that can beat that in drag race. And that's the Dodge Demon. There's a new Dodge Demon. What is it, the 170? I don't know the Dodge Demon. There's a new Dodge Demon that has over a th- You could buy it from a fucking Dodge dealership. It has over a thousand horsepower. It goes, is zero to 60 in 1.6 seconds. It's the fastest car that's ever been made. Look at this fucking thing. Challenges, fucking rule. Two things, this thing's insane. Wow. This car is insane. Oh, yeah. 0 to 60 is what? 1.66 seconds. Wow. 0 to 60. [1:012:02] From a factory, thousand twenty five horsepower It's the only thing fast enough off the fucking wheels bro. It gets wheelies. It's moving like bandit does Like a fucking terrier it's like a little terrier No dude you're No dude you've changed. You've got to go to the world. What is he peeing? I didn't know what I missed the video. Marcus is supposed to be a nephys to say today. What is the bottle he's peeing in? So I know he's not to drink water. Water. I'm watered. We've been saying, no, like the water jug. The jug? Yeah. Gotta use that. Do you drink all the water? Water in it before you piss in it. I drank all of it. I want you know what new one. Oh, that's In the thing we drink water out of cool. Oh, it is cool Sorry is correct it. Oh Sorry, oh, if I have a scientist in tomorrow [1:013:01] Really good job a scrub at all a piss out of it He's might want to get a new one. I have time. He's still going. Amazon. Mark, I didn't know you had a tiny piece. See, I see it right now. You can see, this is a detrimental effect. Mark has a detrimental effect of rude actions in society. I'm filling this. It's a trickle down. Don't win this song. The old wizard should fear. He casts a spell on the young. Now, you felt it up, bro. That's full, man. Wow. Let me see what that is. Reusable. Don't touch that. That's insane. No way. There was water in there. There was water in there. There was water. There was water in there. There was water in there. There was water in That's why The bottoms shotgun that bottom's warm Your re-throw Can you see it though Where can I bring it right to that camera? [1:014:01] You have to tip it tip it right out of that camera I Piss I could have gone more. I don't Oh, there it is higher You can't see it that's all piss. I swear to god. I empty this I empty that I emptied that thing I won't give anyone this from 500,000 dollars He's being pulled in so many directions right now This might be the best protect our parts of all time. Are we on number 10? It's a holiday. Number 10 spectacular. We fucking did it. I think we brought America back. We were on the brink. We were on the brink, but I think we brought it back. [1:015:00] Hold on. That's it's two. Oh my god. That piece is extraordinary. Get it, it's get a new mental pitcher cuz that thing's ruined That was sick last week I'm not scared of piss. I was sick last week. I came down. I just My check was like country got that bottle and I was like, yeah I'm joking And I was like, um, yeah. You like you, that's what I'm joking. I saw how he held it at once. Oh my god. When I was a kid, our plowing went out for like a week. So we had to pee and stuff. And I peed in a cup and put it on the counter. I was like, nine. And my dad drank it. And I've never seen him more angry. He took my own piss down. He thought it was like Apple. No, yeah. Oh, that's a college thing. That's a bad, he flipped out on me. That's a frat thing where people like 18, like, oh, it's beer and they just went and go for it. Have you tasted piss? It's a wild taste. It tastes like nothing you've ever tasted. Wow. What's your favorite kind of piss? I do. I do. That's the word. But there's some bad piss out there. Well, that brings us back to squirting. [1:016:05] Let's go squirt. Yeah, let's go squirt. Full squirt. I don't believe it's piss. What piss goes out like that in a quick mess. Not in a rooster piss. All piss, all piss. When a woman just lies down and pisses, it squirts out. You know how male dogs have two fucking urinal cakes? No. What is for pissing it? What is for marking territory? I'm saying, squirting is that second kind of urine. Interesting. I've tasted it. It's got no smell. It's just a fucking, go- I'm going to your jail. Clear piss. Clear. Yeah. It's just water. It's pretty much clear. Well, the thing about urine is, like the more uric acid is in it, the more dehydrated you are, the more it's gonna smell asparagus, all the different things, the elements that could lead. Yeah. Come on, piss expert, bro. I want to piss. I took a, I have a master's, a better pissology. I just know that like regular piss doesn't even smell bad. A piss-a-d. I give it a, if you're really, if you're really hydrated, because it's water. It's when you're not. It's a problem. It's when you're not hydrated. It's all bad. It's all pissing you. It's all pissing you. [1:017:06] You have a real, once a week. Well hydrated lady, who pisses in your mouth like what's the big deal? Ha ha ha ha. You gotta be really hydrated. Yeah. Exactly. But what's the big deal? Who gets the shit? A lot of real, serious, serious blood. You're really scared of period blood? Fucking care. Yeah, it's also it's also honest like who is a fuck who is a fuck? It's all moisture It's all moisture all white. They mouth off weeks. I'm so not scared of blood. You talking about going down Yeah, that's good red wings. Please stay up top You stay on the top shelf of the Period, yeah, you just fucker You put a towel down. No, you can get your tongue in there Think of a hot cuz oh shit are he's up on Adam? He's gone he's not gonna kill Tony he's gonna fall asleep He looms it at the end oh man that was quite a he spent [1:018:01] Jesus I forgive you like Christ Jesus Like Christ If there's any one message we can take out of this podcast and give Jackson the rest of the world is that You can have as much fun as we're having you can have as much fun You can have to be a side of anger and fucking book with that guy Or you can be like oh guys cool or you can be four dudes just having a good time and then you can operate motor vehicles Yeah, like this you're gonna have to hire people tonight Really? Everybody what's really important about the future of the world Yeah, Mark Don't be a pussy for watching your life. It's for the Christmas here. It's in a happy day in your life where you're a pussy You're not a pussy. Hold on, don Let's let's let's inspire him with some Mariah Carey. Yeah, please Palm carton [1:019:01] Let's do it How about Elton John wearing sequins for Christmas. Well, let's do that then I've heard of all Oh better we can get with some LBGT2. I don't get a AI plus guys. I'll be honest you. That's a song. I made up just now I was ready to start tweeting How's my start to eat and how's my start to eat and Jamo this is not what we needed Jamo's always a saboteur Talk to this dude and I love it. It's gonna come your favorite song Give me some volume. It's Ellen John. It's not gonna not be good So good people are like nice okay, give me free Oh [1:020:02] Oh, if you don't play Paul McCartney, not AI cover, I'm going to cover it. Hold on a second, please. Everyone's talking about what is AI? Which one? What do you mean? No, which video do we just have? The Freddy Mercury thing. The Freddy Mercury thing was not real. Oh, back up. Back up. Let's see it. I want to hear what the fuck they did they're gonna nail it Of course Way to drag No Man, it's not give it to me wait for it. Wait wait a dry Just empty your mind grasshopper Chuck on that finish that Right here. Wait here. Stop being a coward. Yeah, do you drink any of that? He's about to He's about to [1:021:06] Thank you, Joseph, for being a fan. I'm so happy. That was best. That was best. I like that song. Keep it going. We're right in the hole there. Oh, they got a Michael Jackson one. Ooh. Yes. Come on, man. It's for saying the end of the game Sam, I heard you up go wait for the hook Damn it's so cool That guy Tony Hinch that had the best Michael Jackson joke of all time Michael Jackson goes Michael Jackson was like keep it on Michael Jackson's gave it so am I [1:022:04] No, because Michael Jackson was so good that when beat it comes on you like I don't give a fuck about those kids It was that good. They still play his music One of the odds that he was a pet file he's dead 50% Easily above Those songs are so good he was so good I'll be honest dude. I don't know how many boys bots he fucking room But I bet it was worth it when it comes to how good the music was I think he was castrated That's what his doctor said fire no Dr. that went to jail for Killing him no, yeah, the doctor gave him propanol the doctor gave me anesthesia and put him under anyone up dying that doctor went to jail Five McCartney, but yeah, you've been such a bastard today. Here we go. It's so nasty Oh, can we get DMX hold on wait wait We get this one. Okay, get that in there [1:023:01] Hold on I Is Made it his own that's the key Shade I'm gonna be Shunna walk Bro kill Tony's gonna be a disaster I'm gonna be like Mitch McConnell up there. We don't know this DMX. What is this motherfucker's no? There Yeah, Jema. I'm on it. I love this. He's got an edit disc. This is 9 years old. Not fuck Jamie. Drink. Then one foggy Christmas Eve. Santa can't just say, come on. Who knows which of no so bright won't you ride my sleep tonight? Then all the reindeer love him. And he's shouting out weekly. I [1:024:12] Do you have like Netanyahu doing a thing? Bro when I was the guys name when Anderson Silva was in his prime and he was about to fight he would come out to DMX Silver but he knows I'm sure when she's gone. Yeah No sunshine and she's gone. Boom, boom, boom, boom. That's a good one. And the fucking lights would come on. He was the Anderson walking into the rain. He was like, oh my god. So almost about to get executed. Watch this. Put that up there. Watch this shit. And Anderson comes in the octagon. It's like, mouth is pissing on his mouth. Dude, you gotta realize this is like when Anderson Silva was in the mid tricks. He was the number one. He was he's in the argument in my mind as one of the best ever. Pound for pound. Come on. What you use it comes out. What it witness? The shine which is going on. I mean, I might have been out this one. Every time. That bill winners. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. [1:025:04] He's a Brazilian guy. He'll win this silver. Yeah I was like you teach me something. Yeah, and he walked out there but everybody was like oh my god someone's gonna get nuked But so crazy about fighting is like Israel Asania beat him up and then Sean is like Israel, Asania beat him up and then Sean Strickland. He's not a decided decision to him. Barely. No, he's not. No, he's not. He didn't want that. It was good. It was a really good fight, but Israel is better. He was younger, he's better, he's more efficient. Yeah, I wouldn't say beat him up. But that was his hero. 100%. It was crazy. long but if you didn't fight too long he'd be no questions asked the guy they all do brother all Christmas after he broke his legs it's Christmas the leg break the leg break was it all right once you come out with me and pee I'm gonna be pouring out of the water for fuck then now it's just me and Mark all right all right all right no good we can have fun but we can't I didn't know we [1:026:03] could go pee like that I just ruined that picture. You can pee whenever you want. Yeah, I want to leave. No, it's good. What are you thinking about? Well, I, where the only people like Napoleon, they got horrible reviews. I love, I love Napoleon. I loved it. Thought it was good. Ridley Scott still got it, 85. Ridley Scott got as he's my favorite. He's good gladiator. Yeah. Ooh, when Napoleon, it's a true quote, the part where he says, I found the crown and the gutter and I picked it up with my sword and put it on my own head. Yeah. I mean, god damn, if you don't like that. Real quote. Yeah. And the part, you know when him and his dumbass brother are in there and the like congress is beating their ass yeah throw them outside and his brother like points a sword at him and he goes if Napoleon's lying all killing and they both look at each other like It's true. Oh really? I mean the quotes true and that's probably how they I mean they're humans Yeah, probably how they actually did it probably like oh shit. I don't know. Yeah fuck it. Yeah [1:027:03] They give a lot of attention to the way. Josephine. Josephine. But I guess he was obsessed with her. He, yeah, I mean, those are his babes, dude. And that was his last word. But the book I read said, and read, I mean, uh, listen. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm not pretending to be smart. I counts. The, they said all the like cucksts shit. That was a lot of British British propaganda. Oh Yeah, yeah, also all the height stuff. He's got Napoleon syndrome like everyone was at all Yeah, he was at all and then he was always around grandadiers who were all French grandadiers at the time were all the big dogs Yeah, so he was an average height Surrounded by whatever. Yeah, he's talking to see movie all right. Well, it's your guys favorite Christmas gift Also, how's the new material coming could you put the special out and then you're back on the road? Well, it's hard you put out a special you work on this The new shit is very funny. All right. Thank you. It's very very funny. I was how on the other night. It was very, very funny. Thank you, Joe. [1:028:05] It is interesting where you're like, hey, I fuck, I don't know what to do. And then you're like, oh, right. Shane, Mark, Joe, everybody's like, oh, I'm actually really your comic. I'm just gonna do that. You know what it is? It I have a joke. I don't wanna feel, it's like you don't, you haven't been cold plunging with Shane and I. You don't know what it's like. You know what I just suffer. I do love it for real when it comes to stand up. The best feeling is, oh fuck. Yeah, how's this gonna go? Right, you know? There's a weird moment where like I'm about to do a new bit. Should I do it? Should I Yeah, push it out. That is nice. Yeah, but then you're like, the failure is doing it a little bit. Now, the worst part is while you're up there and you're like, I'm not doing good, I got to do good. Here's this next joke that I know is good. Yeah. And you don't have anything else. Right. You're like, oh shit. And then you guys didn't like that one. Get ready. they're like, oh, he's not good. Here's the thing. Oh, here's the thing that's real about that. [1:029:07] If you think it's nothing, they think it's nothing. We mean nothing. If you think it's nothing, like what you're talking about is nonsense, it's nothing to them too. But if you're really genuinely engaged, what you're talking about, you can talk about almost anything. Yeah. And it's just like that fucking, it's a numbers thing. Yeah. You have to be closer enough to that frequency when you connect with the whole crowd with the least amount of resistance. Well, they're all on your side. Well, you're engaged with them. You're engaged with them. They know this is like a good faith show. Yeah. Like you're trying to find out what's funny. And you're not terrified, you're engaged, and you're all locked in together. But that's why it's a numbers thing too. You can't do that with more than 400 people. You get to like 400, 500, 600, there's too many people. You don't lock them in. That's too many people. That's kind of exactly what I'm running into. That's where I'm running into. Yeah, they buy a ticket, I feel bad. I was explaining to Ari last night there's something uniquely intimate about What? Yes. But John Denver, if you said if I one show left to do in the world, it would be a Red Rocks. [1:030:06] And that's John Denver is a massive guy. It's 9,000 people are. Yeah, he loves that place though. That's an amazing place, but it's also not. It is big. He's a musician. Yeah, it's amazing. But it's like if you have one show left to forever. Where would you do the show main room of the story? Okay, well, I mean, it's different with standup Where would you be anywhere you mask? Like something I know I said you stand up like all right. Here's my here's my bullshit bit I gotta get to my clothes it like yeah, where would you be? Hold up hold up hold up hold up when you're saying that is bullshit for you because it has to be bullshit for you to be for you to be so good at it If you thought it was super important, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn it, it wouldn't work. Yeah, then you'd tell us. It wouldn't work, it's not the same mindset. If you thought it was super important for the world to hear your bit about your niece. Yeah, yeah, exactly. About anything, about any fucking thing, it's not. [1:031:04] But it is, but it is But it is but it is but it is but you can't think it is how about this? You're you're gone your dad you're in heaven like what would you perform more what place would it be me? Yeah, it could be maim room me and probably be coming zero places No, I have zero. I have zero regrets not regrets, but like I should do more shows there zero I'm aware I've been able to do that. I've been able to go wherever the fuck I want for a long time I've been able to go with wherever the fuck I want for a long time I've been able to decide I want to do the ice house. I want to do the store. Yeah, but you got one left Yeah, what left was this is it main room store. Yeah, they do store I'm a store probably really made a store of all the places. Oh our store is 100% yeah. Comedy works too. Just for also for like, oh that place is fucked. The place is fucked. That's not screw-bucked. No, listen to me. Not the store. Listen to me. Listen to me. Not the store. Los Angeles is fucked. It's about to be a rebirth. It's about to reimbure. Everybody's gone. It is gone it's about three points to the integrity instead of fame and fortune it's about to be a run or Babylon or complete dissolving of civilization [1:032:11] it might be great it's gonna be great it's gonna be great new news it's great it's awesome civilization with Sunday Monday Tuesday late night of the seller is the best there are pieces of shit in the audience their degenerate drug addicts. They're out at 1 a.m. having a good time on a Monday. And the city's fucked. It's this bail reform. It's great. It's usually, it's usually the seller. There's like, there will be crackouts outside of the big bro. There's 13 million illegal immigrants here. It's great. It's great. What a great place to stand up comedy. Yeah, they need it. They need it. They see all the craziness. Just McGoogle Street is bananas now. It's that exact block. But don't you ever want to sell it to KOS? Any of this degeneration of society is engineered. We can suck. Yeah. I worry about, I worry if it's engineered. What do you mean? The degeneration of society, the fucking open of the borders the chaos in the streets the fucking letting people out immediately after they commit violent crimes [1:033:06] Yeah, how much of this is like what what's there to gain from doing that collapse? Society that's what it is another country going to play Van Halen Play Panama. Yeah, that's all we need dude It's all we need to drink a little beer what's another song better than pan Oh, Jamie never drinks on podcast. Oh, I did a couple of times. I don't even see any of them though. Oh, David Lee Robbs on the wildest guests I've ever had in here. You haven't even heard of it? Oh my goodness. Remember we talked him in the store. He's an animal. Yeah, Diamond Dave, we were at the store. This wasn't Joe Rogan now. This is Joe Rogan like Mom at a daughter once. Like what? What? What? Is that right? I don't remember that, but it wasn't a fuck out of you. What is this? Oh, here it is. Hey, I don't know. Give me some volume. I got a little boom-bomb out of it. You don't think America is number one, dude. When I was in high school, my sister's boyfriend had a fucking license break. And this is my I'm a sister his fucking his license place at Van Halen peace peace [1:034:11] He was the man What am I one of my sisters what am I sisters boyfriends got me an awesome 316 t-shirt? That was like I hope you guys get married dude Wait a minute is Is he Jewish? Yeah, yeah He's the fucking man. He's a good dude one time I went to dinner with him and Bruce buffer me and Bruce buffer and a bunch of my other friends And he has a handler Busters listen to me. Yeah, David Lee Roth doesn't even have a phone number. He has a handler So I have to call what I have to communicate with David to leave Ross lady. He'll tell you. And David Lee Roth is like make sure, you know, he's like, he doesn't carry a wallet. That's a lot. Make sure he's okay. I go, I got him. I go, I'm gonna take care of him. I go, if you have any problems, text me. Wow. I'll text you if there's any issues. How's That's nice to hear. That dude lives in Pasadena. He lives his bike to the grocery store. [1:035:05] He is living like, bro, he lived in Japan for two years learning Kendo. And he just lived with his dog by himself. Wow. He was like the legit David Lee Roth from Van Halen. He lived in Japan. He's the man. Wow. You know, he's all covered in tattoos. No, what? He's fully sleeped. Whoa Fully sleep. Well can be very good. I'm sorry. He has tattoo like care products He does hey does good for him. What did they call Jamie? He's got a stupid extra some block. Yeah, I do extra. Yeah, I'm talking about Ain't talking about love. Oh, yeah There he is. There's his tattoos. He's still in the second game. He's in the way. Oh, he's in very good shape But all those tattoos All those tattoos are done traditional Japanese Like they tap so it's not like it with a gun like It's like way more painful the Indonesian into this guy goes I want a I want a bamboo tattoo [1:036:03] In the original the original is that what's called? Ain't the original? He gave him a bunch of it. He gave him a bunch of it. It's really good stuff. He's a really nice guy. I really like him a lot. Me and him and Bruce Buffer at dinner. It was fucking amazing. Wow. A bunch of other people took him there. I remember I was like, this is the most amazing thing I ever have ever brought together. Bruce Buffer. Yeah. David Lebron. And me, we're all just getting hammered. Wow. One time, this reminded me. One time, me and you were going to a movie at like, like, Universal. And we got the parking lot and then we just ran and ran it late to Ron Jeremy. No way. And then we're talking Ron Jeremy and Mr. Belding showed up. David Haskins. from the way you know that guy's name pull it up from save by the bell taskings and Oh no dude It's a universal universal like the park lot mr. Belding from save by the bell Okay, I think you know you might I know who mr. Belding was but he was on a major sitcom Okay, so we're all just started talking it was like I was like I was a young guy like what the fuck is going on? [1:037:01] I met Ari Ari was the door guy Oh, yeah, yes What the fuck is going on? When I met Ari, Ari was the door guy. Oh my god. Oh my god. Yes. Remember him. Yeah, Ari, how old were you when I met you? I love him. I love him. What was he? For real. For real years, 11. Were you like 25? 25 maybe. Yeah. So I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I The first time like me and Ari had a legitimate conversation, we were in the parking lot of the store, like we're the back area. And we're like, who is this motherfucker? Like, I don't remember what he said, but I was like, oh, that's kind of the amazing race. I go, let's see, let's go. I'm like, just as wild, what the fuck are you on? I'm like, first time I met Ari was at JFO, you were walking out, you threw me a bag of mushrooms. I was doing, I was doing new faces at JFL. He was doing what got him booked on S.M. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, bro, and he was like, do what you do? I'm out. Yeah, he tossed me a bag of mushrooms. And that was the first time I ever did mushrooms. And boy, that was a trip. He didn't take it. Party I was like is this enough brush or me That was a little party bag [1:038:07] There was at least a quarter maybe more a zip-loss of quarter and grams. Do we have any mushrooms by the way? It was four grams. I already here is the least four doses seven Those I was really four doses, but I assumed he knew It's like I'm gonna give me this bottle. I've been there. Yeah, what's my song? Don't be the fairy man You know that song that was fun. Jamie Joe You know that song that was fun Jamie don't do the ferry man. I'm the high up. You're the bro You hit You coward Jamie That's a guy's new show Picture that's a vampire I've never heard this line in my life. You know what I'm doing? You gave me those out of the uh Not the interstellar I listen to I don't know fuck it who cares? You're on 7 grams. That's fine. What is it? It's like a seriously. I think it's on. It's gonna be already in ten Terrible songs from like 1982. It's on my about love it's time. Hey talk about love dude. I know this dude. Who's good? Hold on keep this playing a little [1:039:08] I need the hook going anywhere Maybe he's got some tabs open. This might be the longest podcast we've ever done. No 20 minutes easy easy. I think been on for four hours 4 hours We started 520s. No, it's even Where's the damn truth we usually have shrooms on the table? 2015 remastered. Hey, 27 million views on this puppy. Yeah, well, you guys, you should got 70. By the way, 17, was it? We did stairway to heaven last time or whatever that was. Free bird, bro. Free bird. I got so much shit for talking during it. [1:040:01] She thought it'd trade a lot of my ass. Listen, it's a a lot my head listen Listen stop reading the comments That's okay Flakas seagulls has 161 million views What's wrong I ran? Guys I care about you guys I care about you guys What is I get so excited when you guys come here? Here We've got to live in here You two other pussy's doing Wait till they they're gonna start making I think about buying more clubs Like pull shit out wait till they they're gonna start making be here the brother about buying more clubs Let's go around the country get out of here. Oh, let's go. You got a hate running a club. I love it [1:041:00] I'm having a good time come on. I'm trying to make it a wonderful place for us all the thrive. It is great You're at the mothership and you're like how about to go on hand thirsty eight bottles of water coming you from every direction And there's Terry black sushi there's Well that's night for sure Was it enjoyed it? I was on another fucking planet great Holly boy. Yeah, you were on acid. I was Legally solid Hurling through this dimension. It was nice though. It was nice. Joe took acid was like being nice Yeah It was nice though. It was nice. Joe took acid and was like being nice. Yeah Yeah, you know, no, no, no, he's a real cock sucker unsupportive and everywhere I try to be extra nice if I do anything even ever get a little drunk. I try to be extra Ron White acid. That's all I want to do. I just want to be extra nice. Oh, I'll tell you what What's in the Eagles? What's in the Eagles lose the Cowboys sitting next to Ron White? Jack, so Jack Sock Ron white to good egg He's right We were talking last night about it doing a fucking commercial for his tequila should do it Yeah, we should do some commercials. I told him I go Ron white. I'll do commercials I saw big free to do it after a local lawyer nice mark. Hey, hey, he's figuring it out [1:042:01] I'm a D yeah, it was like Ron Weistakiel is like really solid. I'm gonna get right. Good to go. I'm impacting them going to. Right a sketch about Ron Weistakiel. I'll show you. Yeah, I'll do it. I'm gonna do it. I got it now. Can you do just a YouTube video if you're not even an actual ad? Yeah, you don't have to do that. Just do it. Let's do it for free just because we love them. And it's also, if you like to kill, it's really good. All right. You're right. Hold it up. Who's next? But I can get on sale. What I can get? The pros are like, Shane G Rock shot them cans. Oh, we're back Maybe if you have to think about like how many Bud Lights I've been drank in like this square this room Yeah, I think we were a lot yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Rock shot those cans I think we win It's getting cold in here. You know, it's not pussy shut the fuck up Yeah, I got them cold punch him. You said I was doing a shit Cold punch for you [1:043:05] Jamie No I was asking for the show to do tonight No we don't Jamie Jamie Jamie I knew you give me a buzz kill dude Try to run the show Jamie Jamie Jamie Jamie People are out of the show You get fucker There we go Listen we can make Tony Hitchcliff sweat Yeah He's sweat How are you guys doing? Let me know the updates. Yeah, the best way, the best was Nick Flair. Ric Flair with Lewis and Zach Amico in the, the little backdrop. And then what are we doing here? Ric Flair, that was a lot of editing. He talked about Asian pussy for half an hour. And then he gets mad at us for making a joke about an open micer. If anybody knows what I stand for, it's not for wasting people's time. That's what you are, Rick Flair. Yeah, listen, in all fairness, it's the dude is like going from legend. Also, what are you doing? What'd you do? I farted, it was silent. I thought it was louder. I was like, why's he going Remember that movie? Yeah, yeah. [1:044:06] I was like, through people. I jacked off the porquies. Me too. Just the anti-Semitic through line. No, no. You know, like, you gotta realize, like, you can't expect everybody to completely catch up. Yeah. You gotta give people a little bit of flexibility. You gotta give people a little bit of flexibility. Just be a nice person would have different opinions. That's okay. That's okay. That's real inclusive, right? Right. Be a nice person. Be nice to people, but hey, go, hey, maybe some of these people are fucking crazy. Yeah. And not be a Nazi because of that. What are you doing? You lighten things on fire? Go behind the... Go behind the... Christmas rules. That's... That's that's making one of the main Christmas. Oh, yeah, I think about according to new religions all the time we'll take you right in Which one you want what's all joined together? We've written more minutes unfortunately was the Mormon Mormons at South Park Roman Catholic listen I think Scientology's our way who this bro? It's obviously It's obviously Buddhist. They've been super solid with Tom Cruise. I think we get a good deal [1:045:01] I was about to pour some water, but I realized it's all piss Dream I think we get a good deal. I was about to pour some water, but I realized it's all piss Dream Rice You gotta be jealous of Christmas though it you guys obviously come on obviously it's the best holiday We did it obviously what a Catholics did it again Christians in general. Yes, obviously not Catholics in general Yes, if you want to look at all human reactions as being like some gigantic fucking things designed to move us in a certain direction how crazy is it that Israel exists yeah yeah it is crazy it is crazy maybe it's you mean even fucking be there yeah maybe it's your lower ball kill each other mm-hmm common enemy you have a dome built to stop rockets yep that's crazy you crazy. You have to build that and we funded it. Yeah, allegedly I remember Jordan has no voting rights to Palestine. These are the majority. It's crazy. Oh liberal college students. Let's let's Let's point out that let's bond a couple beers and then talk his real Palestine We're for Palestine [1:046:03] Calc I agree for Palestine. They think that's fake. I'm either a group of you. No, it's a meme, but it's just like people being funny. No, no, it's real. But there's 100% people that have said queers for Palestine. They've set it, they put it on a sign. They just haven't thought it through. But the funniest thing is the memes. Like the fucking queers for Palestine and the Palestine are throwing people off roofs. Like it's so funny because it's so signifies this crazy state of complete chaos. Chaos. You gotta realize if you and I, you're the oldest people here, I'm the oldest. We, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you. No zero zero people. And if you don't admit that then you're a part of the problem. Yeah. Mmm. This whole thing is nuts. We're a palestin executed two Palestinians in God and West Bank. What? What? What can we go? What can we say? Open air fucking just executed two fucking house. Open air. How signed did that? Yeah. Crazy. For one Ethiopian one fucking I don't know two Palestinians. I don't know two Palestinians. What did they do? We execute Americans. [1:047:05] Oh yeah, sure. Yeah, but you gotta do well. Wait and say, oh, that wasn't wrong. Oh, what are you working for? Change us. Change you working for you, pen, you piece of shit. Shut your fucking up. Oh, the ride, free Palestine. Oh, the fucking ride. Oh, the fuck is that? I don't give a book I don't give a That's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna move That was the best who the fuck is that I'm gonna move to UK just start talking shit about America That's the best America is number one Yeah, I really don't add it I was like crazy. I always been free Palestine Yeah, they relate to most to them what were they like? We've been fucking yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, don't go over there now and they can no I don't know I was I went to number one. I went for it's fine Jesus Christ was the most Jewish looking guy both. Yeah propaganda face And the beard ain't helping there helping who's more Jewish looking than all right. It's gotta be people [1:048:05] What's his name Jewish guy from the seller The Famous people that's what I'm talking about damn matters is me. He looks more Jewie, but I'm bigger. Who's like more famous? Gargamel But he was clear pull him up JMO He's a smurzer. But he was clear. Pull him up, Jamo. He's a clear. He's a dragon. He's a dragon. He's a dragon. He's a trice. Oh my god. I was about to make a dragon. So he was like, it's fucking hard to be on. Oh my god. So much pain. Let's do it. Oh my ask Jamie do it so much work. He can do it someone will do it Side it now you put it on Instagram. You're gonna be fun 45,000 dollars a year Cargamel with stupid shoes Those are yet the good news [1:049:01] That's what daddy browways on stage those shoes. Oh my god. I don't know about you guys, but I'm done for Pretty bang done. Let's go. Ruins Tony's dream Hey, don't ruin us now with this. That's really important as you interrupt him every time he tries to talk. Yeah Tony had a fucking nuclear missile in nuclear missile. Yeah, he just struck the U.S. He's crimped on him. He would have done it. He would have done it. He's fucking interrupted three times. Enough! He was fucking hit it. I didn't mean it that way. He would hit it. Alright, I think we can save the world. Yeah, how's that show? More of these kind of conversations. That would help. I know it sounds ridiculous, but if four people can get along like this, and have a good time, why can't 400 build it? Is that a focus in the negatives? Forget all that, focus on the positive. Try to have a good time. Just try. So you're about how sick America is. Try, America's the sickest. Think about the best ways. Don't worry, what about this? Forget that. We are the world, current generation that is the furthest along in the journey of escaping the [1:050:05] barbarism of history. We have tried to figure out the best possible path to a beautiful free and equitable society and yes there have been mistakes made along the way but if we can continue to all have the mentality to move into a path that's better for everyone. There you go Chris angel. We can make a better world Good look at Paul Simon See it How tall is Kenny Rudge Hundred feet tall. No, I'm he's tall in the Empire State building camp brother. Oh, there's Tina Turner. Are you the angel looking good? Look at Billy Joe don't Billy Joe. Don't do hold to the angel. It's young Billy Joe. Oh, yeah He was Drunk you forgot how good Billy Joe was It's got all the hundred hits oh my god. He's got so many hits, but like the young Billy Joe like piano man [1:051:03] Yeah, he has so many hits, but like the young Billy Joe like piano man. Yeah, he was found in Jack points. We got to grab this up. You can't trick out of that. Why not? You can't trick out of it. That's a cancer. That's not. This is anti-American. Oh, you fucking Jew. You can't do this. That's actually a good point. Captain Jack. I've wrap this up. I'm here for America. I think Danny Brown or Billy Strings should do a duet together. I think they don't want to blow away my hair. Billy Strings and Danny Brown, I think if they did a duet together, it would be the number one hit in America. What makes you think that? Because Billy Strings rules and Danny Brown rules. And I think there's opposite fucking genres and I think if they got together no one would be against music jam Billy strings Danny Brown Who's Billy strings Billy strings fucking rules down Tog that couch you're drinking on the bottom of an angel. Oh Billy strings La La Palo's ah nasty beard that beard goes like jizz [1:052:04] Great have a hair on this drinks drink very they rule Yep that clip yeah, we're gonna end with this this gentleman. This is good. I'm part sense We are dedicated very Christmas and focused on the improvement of humanity the improvement in the way Human beings communicate with each other and how we move forward Well, that's time for chaos you can't just All right Alright, well Sickle me Elmo, hot item fuck hold on keep that song right be the worst What those headphones right? Wow Billy Joel is weird listen to me and you stare at the junkies. Oh, this is not Billy's drinks at all Terrific didn't he drive through a couple classic magazine [1:053:03] He's a real booze bag. Here, here's a bad motherfucker back in the day. You understand? He's still pushing the show. Give me some volume. Here we go. Hit it. Captain Jack will get you mine. Oh, that is a good tune. Just a fake, a few y'all specializing. It's a fucking champ, son. Captain Jack will get you mine. Bag and all that beer, son. Captain Jack will get your mind I can help it be yourself Yeah, crazy Just a little push Fuck the hot shit from the world He's like, bye bye Ladies and gentlemen This is the end of Protect Our Parks 10 No, it's gonna be 11 Mark Warren We don't know how to get the number Shane Gillis Ari Shafir And Joe Rogan signing off We love you Must importantly We love America We would love the whole world to be America. You know what it means? You know what it means to be safer and happier! Everybody try to move here. We got a lot of Mike. We got a certain channel. People like coming here. We love you. We love everybody.