Why Andrew “Dice” Clay Banned Ari Shaffir from His Home

Shafkumia and Dice doing dice-offs. Oh! They're friends, right? Yeah, they're friends. I know they had a thing for a while. That's squashed. It was one of the best feuds. That's a good feud. Radio feuds? Radio feuds were great. He would do radio feuds on purpose, but Dice would get into feuds on purpose. On purpose? Yeah, so much of it was like theater. People don't know all the crazy shit he did. He commits so hard. Remember when he had those comics acting out some movie that he was filming with his VHS camera? The never-ending Dice movie. By the way, he'd edit by like say stop and he'd rewind and press pause right there and start recording from there. Yes, yes. You couldn't go back and edit. No. You just decide where you cut out. You didn't have any software. Forward, backwards, forward, backward. Oh, stop. That guy's about to punch you. Now you be mid-punch. And by the way, this is after he had sold out like what, 300 stadiums? Yeah. He sold out arenas and stadiums all across the world. I mean, he was a giant superstar. After that, he's recording. He's fucking weird. Impromptu. He made us have characters. Miles, your body would show up and he goes, you're the foreigner. And every time you show up, I'm going to give you the evil eye. I'm like, you're being a foreigner. And then Miles was like, mm-hmm. He'd have to look back at him. We couldn't go on stage. We'd have to do this Dice thing. He was like, I gotta go on. Someone put up a Sonya on the phone first. Yeah. Renazese was Tower 2. Oh my God. He was the foreigner. He had me and Bobby while we were fighting. He had us, he made us come into these and like beat each other up. Oh my God. Yeah. So ridiculous. So ridiculous. We would slam each other's heads against shit. But in that way, he's like, his son would choke you out. He's very unique. Like who would you say Dice is like? If someone said, what's Dice like in real life? I'd be like, what? What is he like? Like, you don't know anybody like him. Why am I telling you? Like you have to meet him. You can't understand it. Yeah. You can't. You don't know. Like, old Jewish lady sunglasses. Oh yeah, the look. They're enormous. The glasses are enormous. He's got his- Giant sweatshirt. Gave up on dying his hair. It's all gray now. He slicks it back. Yeah, the glasses are like the Elvis, they're like not rhinestones but the thick gold that goes back here to get shorter, you know. He's legit at the gym every day. So he does a lot of videos from the gym because he does work out a lot still. He has a term called- Look at him. In the cage. Look at those fucking glasses. Oh my God. That picture is amazing. Just diamonds everywhere. Oh, those pictures of me. Look at the one above it, the upper left. That's just as good. That's classic dice. That's classic dice. The Elvis- Me and Kumea. Me and Kumea and Jimmy and fuck, who else went with us? Somebody else went with us. I went with you once to the- To the dice show in Vegas? You were there too? I think I went a different time than you guys went. Oh man, we all went to the Riviera. Before the Riviera closed, he was up in the upstairs room. The large room? The large room? Yeah. Dude, we had such a good time. Look at those giant sideburns. Yep. Look at them. I love them. He's like an wolverine. But it was such a- It's like an Italian wolverine. I know. It's funny. He shaved the thing down the bottom. Don't even. This is my new sideburns. Oh! Yeah, so he has all that. He's always looking for a goof. Always. Always. Always. Always. He doesn't know what it will be yet, but he'll just like- Yeah. He gave somebody his phone number out on radio one day. He was about to get a new phone. And so on radio, he goes, hey, my old phone number is- he didn't say old phone number. He goes, my phone number is this. And he goes, give me a call. I'll talk to you. And people would start talking to him and calling him. He said, come on my car. Look at this. He turned it on. As soon as he turned it on, it just starts ringing. Wow. People are calling him non-subjects. He goes, oh yeah. Yeah, it's me. He got this one guy where he started calling the guy back. And then he started like bothering the guy. Oh my God. He would call him at work. He would call him at work. And he'd be like, oh no. And I was like, hey, it's just Andrew. The guy's like, DICE, I can't- and after talking to him, his dream is to talk to DICE. And no, DICE is just going all over. A week later, he's like, DICE, I'm at work right now. I really can't. It's like, so what kind of work you're doing right now? What is it? Who's there? Just bothering him. It was like, until the guy was like avoiding his call. But the fact that that would be the thing that gets his gear spinning, that that would be it. I know what I want to do. Yeah. That would be what he wants to do. You'd either be the butt of the joke or you'd have somebody else watching him. Yeah. Classic human. And just love them all the time. And it's like, even to this day, he's still doing it. If someone was in the back steps at the Comedy Store, and let's say you're a fan, but let's say you're standing straight up and I'm two steps up. He can't see you, I don't think. You got in focus? Okay. So I'm two steps. You're standing up, I'm standing up. I'm two steps. I'm on a step. And you're like, oh, DICE, nice to meet you. Hey, DICE, nice to meet you. Oh, yeah. Nice to meet you too. Just look up. Yeah, it's really good. I just never looked down. I guess I got a big fan. It's like, oh, yeah, that's great. Thanks a lot. And just not come down, not look down. Just like, oh, it's great. It's always great to meet a fan. Oh, that's great. I think I was like, okay, sure. I see you. And then he's slipped down. And he just asked if we saw that. Jesus. God. He's crazy. Yeah, he's a legit character. He's always in it for the goof. He's a legit character, right? His message. I remember realizing at some point I didn't have to grow up in this business. I still had thoughts of like, even though I'm not going to be a lawyer, but that's still the direction I'm supposed to head, you know? Right. You have to be distinguished. Yeah, or something. You have to change your behavior. Yeah, it's going to happen. I'm going to become an adult. And then I called DICE and his answering machine was, yeah, D-D-D-Andrey, leave him in the face. I'm not hearing you. And I'm like, dude, that guy in his mid-50s. Right. And I'm like, oh, maybe I don't have to grow up. Maybe I could just be like fucking whatever. Oh, that guy never changed. I don't think you have to grow up. I think people will put pressure on you because they have to grow up. Yeah, maybe. They're like, why don't you have to grow up? Enablers. Yeah. As long as you're paying your bills, as long as you're paying your taxes, you know, as long as you're not, you know, you're not a deadbeat dad. Child abuse to a minimum. You said that. So you're not setting your minimum? I don't understand. As long as you're a good person who gives a shit if you grow up. Yeah. What is happening? What are we doing? We have a finite time here. We're deciding. We want people to behave in a certain way. All you want people just don't be an asshole. It doesn't matter if you grow up or not grow up. Yeah. Guys like DICE are having a great fucking time. If it's just somebody like. One day he's going to die. And I hope he dies in the middle of a prank. I don't know. People don't realize. How would you make him happy? Make him so happy. He's on stage dead and everyone just kept waiting. What's the option? What's option number two? Nobody's living forever folks. It's not happening. This is as good as it gets. I will tell you if DICE dies on stage and you're a comic in the area and you have to at some point people start to realize, oh fuck, this is not a prank. You know? Yeah. If you get up there and realize he's dead. Right. You should say, what? Oh, okay. And then stand up like it's fucking gag. And then just leave it up there for a while longer. Yeah. See how long you keep it going. He would have wanted it that way. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Yeah, he's nuts. He's the best. He's just funny. That's just a way to live. He made Norton and Florentine introduce him like they go into a Subway sandwich shop and they'd be like, ladies and gentlemen, a virtual eyes, the legend is coming in. And then he was like, walk in to a Subway sandwich shop. That's hilarious. Yeah. That'd be a great show. You have just dice on the road and someone announces him like that everywhere he goes. Da da da da da da da. Yeah. Peasants, please. The legend. Clear the floor. He banned me from his house for a year once. What'd you do? I didn't do anything. Did you dose his kids? I did not dose his kids. No. I would never do that. Mosey, I'm scared of dice. He said he had a gun in his desk drawer and I was like, no, you don't. No way. You would never have him around your kids because I do. And he said he'd bet me $200. And I'm like, you know, I don't have $200. I can't make that bet. And he goes, all right. Well, I do. And then he's all left his thing and goes, don't look in there. I'm like, I'm not going to look in there. He goes, don't fucking look in there. And I won't. And then Freddy Soto, fucking fuck face Freddy Soto, told him I was just in the office, told him that I went into his drawer. He said I was rifling through his drawers and dice like that's it. It's a lie. And dice like you're out, you're banned from the house. Wow. Couldn't go to Barbies anymore. Yeah. I was rifling through his affairs, which never happened. Dice. I never did that. I was in the room. Why do you think Freddy did that? Well, of course, because of that reason, because he's that because they got me banned. He wanted to get you back. Yeah. Why do you think Freddy would want to get you back? I think he was jealous of my upbringing and how I had a foosball table at home. And it always bothered him that he didn't have that growing up in Texas. Interesting. Maybe. Interesting. I'm not sure. But the point is I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs. I never write for those affairs.