The Alarming Amount of Smash & Grabs, NYC Crime

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Dave Attell

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Dave Attell is a stand-up comic, actor, and writer. Look for his new Netflix special "Hot Cross Buns" on March 26.www.daveattell.com

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Let's split the difference. I can't sell out Madison Square Garden, but I think I could sell out the Dwayne Reed next to it. So let's go there. Maybe we'll stop a smash and grab. That'll be great. We can kill two birds of one stone. I saw a smash and grab today on YouTube. It was wild. They just went into this store and started ripping cell phones off the walls. It's definitely not Ocean's 11. These kids, they're freestyling it. They're all wearing masks, which you're allowed to wear now. How are you going to catch them? You made wearing masks okay. So everyone's wearing a mask and they're just running in there and stealing shit. This stuff is like, honestly, it's like I never thought this was going to be on the other side of this, but the thing that's really getting me now, and I think you probably will agree is that I hate to be hacky and do kind of a joke, but it's like I didn't know as Americans we have the right to go to a fast food place and if there's something wrong, we can hop the counter and beat a man to death. I didn't know that. Whatever happened to just eating what you get or walking away. For somehow, this is like some kind of honor killing. You have to confront this man, this poor kid. This poor kid making seven bucks an hour. You have to confront him and whatever. It's ridiculous. I never thought I would live to see that. It really blows me away. There's nothing like a late night fast food barn brawl. Well, this is not like a punch up like, hey, what did you say to me at the rodeo? This is like full tilt. Those barn burner brawls where people like everybody's piling on top of everybody and smashing like a bar room brawl. Like an okay corral fight at a 2 a.m. waffle house or something. The ai-ha. Everyone's favorite throw down joint. There's something about getting drunk people late at night in those fucking places. And the poor people that work there, honestly, it's like they should be getting combat pay. How often do you see a brawl at a fucking waffle house if you work there? And the people who do work there are like shell shocked. They're like, what the hell's in your stare? It's like, what are you having? You know, they're like looking like checking the corners. How about how about just the fact that like there's no late night food anymore? Everything closes early. People are afraid to stay open. What is this one? The guy who had the axe. He pulled an axe out of his bag. Yeah, that was in New York. That's one of ours. This guy took all these punches. Why is he getting beat up? I don't know what happened. It's like the same normal thing, you know, like a fight at McDonald's at night. And he pulls out the axe. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm from New York. The axe man. He starts fucking everybody. This guy and here it is. That's him. They talked to him afterwards. Yeah. Right on the street. Right on the street. Look at his ears. You got the holes, chine holes in his ears. This guy is ready to go, man. He had an axe with him. Yeah. You can get him at Home Depot. That's what he said. He might be in trouble. Might be. It seems like not good, but he did show a little bit of restraint letting those dudes punch him. Yeah. No, it was the whole thing of like, that's all you got. He kept saying that's all you got. That's all you got. That's just another day in New York. The wah-wah in Philadelphia. Oh, yeah. That video. It's hilarious. This lady goes, are you going to make sandwiches or are you just going to keep recording them? She wants her sandwich. Can you believe it? Yeah. She's behind the counter and she's so nonplussed by this chaos behind her. She's like, are you guys going to make sandwiches or are you just going to keep recording them? I want a fucking sandwich. See, I don't care about this. That's amazing because like when you're not from Philly, you love a wah-wah. You're like, man, this is so much better than 7-Eleven. It's so much better than everything. And then for them to desecrate it like that. It's the craziest like group activity in a store that I've ever seen because they all just decided to go nuts. It's a small amount of people. It's a lot of fucking people. And they just grabbing shit off the shelves and throwing shit on the ground. This girl, she just wants a sandwich. But at least she beat the line. You know, I was distracted. Oh, my God. So crazy. Where's my... Philadelphia police said they found approximately 100 juveniles inside the wah-wah but made no arrests. Why would you arrest somebody? I mean, why making arrests? That happened to me when I was at a 7-Eleven here. Just one guy though. I was going to walk to pay for like a Snickers bar or something. And as I was going to walk up, he just grabbed something and walked right out. And the lady's like, it seemed like it happened on a nightly case, like a nightly basis. Oh, yeah. No, they can't stop them now. I'm sure it does. Now it doesn't happen to anyone there to protect her. I'm sure people just steal things now because in certain places like in Sanford, Texas, San Francisco, if you don't steal 900 bucks worth of stuff, they don't even do anything. They don't. So it has to be more than 900 bucks worth of stuff. So people are going in there and just stealing whatever the fuck they want, as long as it's not 900 bucks worth, they just leave. In New York, like that happened so much that like, you'll see it happen and then like they'll try and be very like woke about it like, you know, hey, you know, people need things, whatever. And then you'll see the same guy from the news selling this stuff like on the street, like walking down. You need some tide. You need some tide because they're trying to make some money. But at the end of the day, that store will go out of business. Like they'll shut it down. Right. I mean, they are a company. They've got to make money. Right. So five people lost their jobs. You know, there's no there's no neighborhood store now for people to get. So the whole idea of like, you know, no one's really getting hurt with this is not true. It's really it's really incredible to see how bad it is. You know, it's a wild time, Dave. It is wild times. They really are wild. And you know, I feel like I'm too old to boost, you know, like I don't have it in me anymore. When you see were you around in New York in the 90s when it was crazy in Times Square? Yeah. Is it like that to you or worse? I think that maybe because I'm older and I'm a homeowner now, you know, like, you know, I'm like, what is going on here? Kids. Yeah, these kids. But I think that this is just a sense of entitlement of people have to do whatever they want to do whenever they want to do it, like driving like mopeds on the sidewalk, doing all that kind of stuff. You know, hey, if I feel like, you know, driving erratically, I'm going to do it. If I feel like walking down the street holding a piece of metal and yelling at people, I'm going to do it because it's more of a hands off kind of scene in New York now, you know, like just like we're not going to get involved until like actually something happens. So you know, if you got like young kids or a business or something like that, you really are in a bad place at the wrong time, you know, like outdoor dining there and guys come up and just start screaming at you, rip something off your table, you know, that kind of thing. I always tell the tourists that come to the site, go watch out and I'll go like, you know, the way you're holding your bag, don't hold it like that. It's too easy. You know, like put it this way. They get a little like, like, whoa, I didn't know it was like that. And the subway is a whole different world down there. You know, that's like, you know, the subway is wild. Subway is wild. It's wild to be contained. Did you see the video of Henzo Gracie getting in a fight on the subway? That was cool. He said he fucked his knee up. I ran into him like, oh, he did? Yeah. I ran into him like, I guess a week and a half or so later. Talk about a great situation for what he does. Yeah, that's it. Exactly. You know, what a terrible move by that guy. I tell him to speak English. He's like, my friend, you know, did the right thing though, right? He's like trying to deescalate. He didn't even hurt him. He just threw him to the ground and controlled him and put him in a stranglehold and let him go. Right. And told him to apologize. Well, I don't know if you know. He was right there. Like, out of all the people to fuck with, you fuck with Henzo Gracie. That's such a huge mistake. He just controlled him. The dude was trying to punch him and Henzo was on top of him. He's like, no, son, you're not going anywhere. Head and arm control, half guard, puts a smush down on him. And he's strangling him right now. Wow. It's just a terrible, terrible mistake. They didn't roll up to the tracks. Out of all the people in the world. Oh my God. Thank God. That would have been so scary. That would have been really tough. Pushing people on the track shit. Hearing about that kind of stuff. Like, yeah. Yeah. That's New York, man. That's just the way it is. There's a lot of towns like that now, just like where it's like, oh, I guess that's the way it is. Have you been to Portland lately or no? Portland's wild, man. Yeah. Portland is so weird that like the Helium Club, they're a very cool club, you know? And that neighborhood is kind of like the warehouse or district or something like that. And they have serious housing problem there. It's very sad and all that stuff. But I talked to somebody who like whatever who lives there and I go, so these people are allowed to put up whatever they want, wherever they want. And he goes, yeah. And they really, the sad thing is like fires. Something will happen and it could catch fire. They're cooking meth in a tent. Could be. Yeah. They're cooking meth in a little plastic house. So it's like talk about like, you know, I don't know, like you didn't see that coming. No, no one saw that coming. I didn't see it. Someone just filmed it the other day and sent it to me. They were in Portland and showed me this road. They went down all the tents, how crazy it is and how dense it is. It's like, wow, you're not going to do anything about that. You're just going to let that happen. It does not seem like a fucking safety hazard, a public safety hazard, a health hazard, all the above hazards. It's isn't it litter? It's also litter. It's litter. New York, they have the outdoor dining. Have you seen these things? Yeah. It's like, it's like a manger. It's like, it's like basically, it's like, you know, you might as well do a reenactment in there, you know, but like they were having like people having sex in there and all because we're all making jokes about it and everything like that. But it's like, why wouldn't they? It's like too tempting. I mean, like, why wouldn't you? There's no one in there with you. You got to, you know, like christen it basically, you know, make it your own. But it's just like filthy and I don't know. I guess, you know, if people really want the grunge of New York, you're seeing it right now. Do you still enjoy living there? No, but I thought about bailing. I can't. I can't because my mom, you know, I got to be close.