9 months ago
Shane Gillis is the co-host of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" with Matt McCusker and one half of the sketch comedy duo "Gilly and Keeves" with John McKeever. Watch his new stand-up special "Beautiful Dogs" September 5 on Netflix. www.shanemgillis.com
Matt McCusker is a comedian, writer, and proud co-host of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast."
I think there's a lot of functional people that are on Adderall. I think Trump Dog was flying. He was on some something. Trump was flying on something. I think a lot of people are doing that. Dave Portnoy is pretty open about it. Adderall? He told me he did it before the podcast. He seemed totally normal. But he's like, if I don't have it, I just feel like I don't have my edge. Really? Yeah. Doesn't he like, I heard it shrinks your, like while you're high on it, shrinks your bird. Your penis is gone, dude. Yeah, it turns like a grey, yeah. It's gone. Oh dude, it's... Like a cocaine thing. Almost worse, because Adderall's all day. Oh. Your dick is, dude, your dick is this. I take Adderall sometimes just to get fucked up. It's fun to drink on, dude. You take Adderall, you can drink all day. You can drink all day anyway. No, but I'll go, like, I'll go... I'll take Adderall and drink until my body shuts down. Yeah. But because of the Adderall, you're still there. Like, all, we went to the World Series. I went to the Phillies, Phillies Astros World Series. I was blacked out, but I was fully like, what's going on? Then we tried to leave the stadium, and I was like... I was like, yo, I can't walk. Notre Dame, Ohio State, I left, I couldn't walk. Yeah, so I can call a duty when your character dies, but you get the camera to float around the whole thing. If you take Adderall, you can day drink. Because I don't, yeah. I get crazy. I can't drink on Adderall. How often do you take it? That was the two times I've taken it. Damn, it seems exciting. Ohio State, Notre Dame, World Series, it's a big day. If I'm taking Adderall, it's a big day. Dude, what's a dose? Whoever I'm with, there's always somebody around that is prescribed. Yeah, it's 10 to 20... I would say it's like 10 to 20. Always. It's crazy. Yeah, 10 to 20 milligrams probably. 10 to 20... Sometimes you run into people that are like 30, fucking 40 milligrams. Crunch the time release. Google the number. I think Portnoy said it takes a 30. I was like, I didn't bring it up. I was like, that's a lot. Some people munch the time release too. They have little balls, and you can crack down on them and just get it all at once. Bro, I tried to snort those things. Those are some dark evening. I tried. Dude, this is like plastic balls. Dude, I tried... This is crazy. I tried drinking on it twice. The one time I was in college, I was on the Adderall. I didn't realize even what it was. I was drinking on it. I got all zoomed out, and I was at the... Kind of a... Not like a super high level of a concert. And I was like, I'm gonna jump down to the next level. And I tried to jump down, and I got kicked out immediately. It was fucked up. I was like, if I could time it perfectly where all the guards' backs are turned, I'll jump down to the pit, climb up, and jump into the other area. You're trying to get it up to the stage. It just snagged me. Yeah, of course. It snagged me. You're a mess. I'll jump into the crowd, I'll blend. And the crowd just parted as I jumped into it. The guy just beat the fuck out. I was at a South Carolina DP. He saw you jump down. He knocked my one shoe off. I got back in with one... I kicked my other shoe off so I didn't look suspicious. So I walked in in my socks, and they thought my friend was me, and they started kicking him out. And I was like, I just thought it happened. I was like, fuck it. My friend had kicked out, and then I got kicked out again. And then I snuck back in a third time. No lie. In my socks. This is a mission impossible. I was on Adderall. That's why I cannot drink on Adderall. I snuck in... Dude, I snuck in with the Aramark workers. I just walked in with them, only in my socks. And I climbed up under the bleachers, and I just emerged into some seating. People were like, ah! I was like, dude, I fucking... It was the Beastie Boys. Dude, I love this song. It was like intergalactic planetary and it just came up. It's cracked out! Oh my God, it's amazing. I was... Can't have it, dude. I speak of... I can't have that shit. Sneaking? You're gonna appreciate this sneaking at a stadium. I was gone. It was an all-day tailgate. I was at South Carolina versus Tennessee. SEC football. It's a night game in South Carolina. And I'm standing there, and there's just a tiny fence between me and the handicap section. And I literally, I just stepped over it. No one better than I did. I was standing there, and just... For real. I was all in the field. I left my friends. They were in the student section. I was just shit-faced walking around. I was like... Stepped in, and dude, people were like, looking at me like, checks out. Fully checks out. Yeah. If you just do that. I mean, that's my face when I blacked out. I was just... People were like, oh, this guy. He was by himself. Someone just brought you a blanket? Thanks, man. Oh, my God. It happened that you get like this. I was at a... I was at a Bill's... I'm just picturing you standing there. Dude, swaying. I'm just picturing your shit-faced. That's some guy doing a handicap check. Yeah, it's just... I was at the Bill's game, Bill's Steelers this year. And Gabe Davis, he's a wide receiver. He likes comedy, and he likes podcasts and all this stuff. So he invited me to the game. I went out to the game. I took Adderall there. There we go. There's another Adderall. End of the game, he's like come down here towards the field. He took his jersey off, autographed it, and handed it to me up in the stands. Dude, it's just me and children. Me and little kids are the only dudes like down there trying to get high fives from the players. This guy hands me his jersey, and people are like, oh, that's a guy. NFL Films was filming it. It was like a sweet moment for them to be giving me a jersey. That's wild. Yeah. Pushing kids out of the way. I think they thought I was a special needs man. Oh no. It was just me and children. It was me and children in the bleachers like, high five, can I get your gloves? Good game. And then a guy gave me his jersey, and they were like, nice. Congratulations. That's what it's all about.