Joey Diaz on Watching Porn For the First Time | Joe Rogan

to plug it into it. Yeah, I forget how would they make copies? The same way you put your original would be like on the left. You have to feed it. You did. You need a copier. You couldn't do it with this machine, probably. But back the same way people did with VCR copies back in the early 80s. You know, tape to tape. You'd find the same thing, how it would degrade each generation. You get porn for your friend. And it was like like someone threw mud in your eye. He tried to watch it. The fuck is happening on the screen? Because it was so many generations of copy. Do you remember when porn was watched like this? I don't remember, but I heard about it. And I remember that movie about the dude from Hogan's Heroes. That was a he he was on Hogan's Heroes and after Hogan's Heroes. He just went around making his own homemade porn. And he you know, he had one of these kind of things on the home projector type deals. Porn came. Porn in those days, if you went to the back of a dirty magazine, not Playboy and not Penthouse, but anything else, they would actually send you a projector with three movies for, say, 1495. It was a low end projector. It probably going to work 10 times, but at least you got the watch porn. And they'd send you a reel to reel. That was so bad. Porn was so bad. And I still remember a story with me and my friends chipping in and getting the fucking reel to reel with the thing and plugging it in the wall and putting sheets on the windows. And it was just horrible, horrible porn. Like chicks, they would find off the streets, flapjacked titties. Somebody turned cigarettes off on the chest. And this chick was half on drugs and she had to suck the guy's dick. And the most vivid picture I remember is when she took the mayonnaise with the bread. Like she was sucking this guy's dick. The guy's dick had been beat up and she took mayonnaise miracle whip. That's why I never liked miracle whip. She put it on the bread and made a dick sandwich and put it into his dick. And it was like me and three other 12 year olds. We almost had a heart attack. You understand me? Like our heads blew up. Like turn it off, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off. Turn it off. Who wants this fucking projector? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was a cheap, cheap, cheap little projector. You had to put a sheet up on the wall and use it as a screen. You had to fucking shade up all your windows in the attic because I used to do it in my attic because my mother wasn't home. So I would have, the first viewing party we had was in my attic. You had to send the money on and you had to send the dollar 95 for shipping and handling, SNH. And then it would take six weeks to deliver it. So you would just sit, you couldn't send it to your house. So I would have to send it to Rogan's house because I knew his mother and his grandmother worked all day. So they'd never be home. So they would just drop the package off in front of the house. If one of our mothers found that package, we'd be dead. We'd be fucking dead. Can you imagine your mother putting it in all of a sudden some chick makes a brick, whip on a piece of bread and eats into the fucking your dick? Don't you think moms today probably wouldn't even flinch? What if what? If they found their kid with something like that on his computer? Are you fucking kidding me? Every mom, you talk to any mom who's a 15-year-old and go, do you think your son's getting laid? She's like, stop it. I don't want to hear that. It's true. No mom wants to hear their son getting laid. The first girl you brought over the house actually bothered your mother. Oh, I'm sure. The first two girls you brought home actually bothered and irritated the shit out of your mother. It took your mom a while because you're always going to be that little boy. I can't imagine getting his dick sucked. I just put diapers on him 10 years ago. You know what else they worry about? They worry about you getting somebody pregnant because you're so stupid. When you're 15, 16, 17, you guys are just doing stupid shit. You don't really know how to pull out that good. How good are you at that? It's not very good. When you were that young, your parents are worried about you doing something dumb. Your parents are worried about you getting pregnant, but they also don't want you having sex. I had this skinny girlfriend. I always had girls that were friends. After the girls would leave, my mom would pull me aside and say, What's going on? I'd go, Nothing. She's just a friend. I would steam out of the house. I can't believe it. There were friends. There was this one skinny girl that I used to bring over in the seventh grade. My mother called us one afternoon. She called us making out. She asked me as a man. Now, do me a fucking favor. If she's here and I'm downstairs, just leave the door open. My mom was one of those. She was one of those. Just do me a favor. Just for me to be the lean times. When I leave, lock the door. But if I'm here, just leave the door open. I would leave it open in the foot and then try this eight inch, six inch, and she would have to come up and say, Jose Antonio, what did I tell you? Leave the fucking door open. Then you're an animal at that age. So at that age, you finally talk and mental and you're a little bit of a bitch. You're a little bit of a bitch. You're a little bit of a bitch. You're a little bit of a bitch. You're a little bit of a bitch. You're a little bit of a bitch. You're a little bit of a bitch. You're a little bit of a bitch. You're a little bit of a bitch. You're a little bit of a bitch. You're a little bit of a bitch. You're a little bit of a bitch. You're a little bit of a bitch. You're a little bit of a bitch. I love a great fucking animal. That's the way of the world. I'm driving up in this chick and all of a sudden I hear a ladder slip and a guy starts yelling, and I ran downstairs and it was one of my mother's friends, Arnaud Ardo. He used to be a bookie at my mother's bar. So my mother goes, I got to get to the bottom of this. I got to know this kid's getting laid. So he volunteers to put the ladder at the side of the house to see if I'm getting laid to look in the window. I had an air conditioner with a curtain. He could never see it anyway. But this girl pissed off my mom for years. This went on for about a year. And then I started taking his shirt off and sucking the tits. And my dad came home one day and caught him in the closet. And that was the end. And then my mom would give me shit for a little while. I got to be 12, 13. I'm in the sixth grade. Me and this girl would watch the Osmonds on Friday and Saturday. Donnie and Marie. And I would get pissed off because she had a crush on fucking Donnie. You know, you're a kid. And then one day, but then we figured out, fuck. If they're going to watch us after three, why don't we play hooky from 12 to three? We could drive them for three hours and nobody will know your grandmother works. My mother's definitely not coming home. So we used to play hooky. And one day they caught us. And her and I had like, there was 20 feet between us on a fence. Their parents had a house right behind mine. And my mom went into the backyard, like the fucking Spanish woman that she is, and started yelling, your daughter's a whore. Oh, no. She's over here every day. I don't know what they do in that room. I hope she's not sucking his dick. My daughter was just a, my son was a regular little boy until your daughter took over. And I used to walk home and I remember walking to the house and the mom was like, can I talk to you for a second? Your mom's out there yelling horrible things about my daughter calling her an orange shit. I had to go home and tell my mama, what's up with that? She's a fucking whore. But I drove my mom, that woman drove my, and that's what I got to grow from. No more problems after that. It was just this skinny chick that drove my mother fucking crazy.