Joe Rogan & Theo Von talk Crocodiles, Cannibalism


7 years ago



Theo Von

7 appearances

Theo Von is a stand-up comic and podcaster. He is the host of "This Past Weekend with Theo Von."


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Hello freak bitches. It's like in this in this fucking gigantic audience full of people. And this is Leonard Skinner. The crazy thing is Leonard Skinner came out of Florida before people figured out Florida sucks. See, because when I was a kid, Florida was cool. And if you listen to this, you know what the fuck I'm talking about. Florida the state? Yeah, Florida the state. If you listen to this, you know what I'm saying folks. I used to live there. I lived in Gainesville. I used to live there for a while. But Florida back then, nobody had figured out that Florida sucks. It was like Florida is the place to go to get away from this fucking winter. And then I'll go down there and then I'll move and then we realize like all the dregs of the weirdos. Yeah, I remember seeing if somebody had a t-shirt because I grew up in Louisiana. Somebody had a t-shirt that said Florida on it, dude. That was when they were somebody, you know. Wow, they made it. Yeah, like they made it. Yeah, they're like dang, Florida. Yeah, Florida. So Louisiana looked up to Florida. Oh, definitely, dude. Because Florida had that coast land. They had pictures of sunshine on their shirt. That's right, sunshine. Yeah, they had that sun or people sitting out like an umbrella, you know. And when you were a kid, they weren't infested with alligators yet either. I don't think so. I mean, you didn't worry about it as much then. You know, if you lost somebody to an animal or something back then, I feel like it wasn't as big of a deal as it is now. Really? Yeah. In the 80s and 90s, if you lost somebody to an animal or an animal bite, it was more, you know, part of God's plan, I think. Whereas now, it's like just something crazy that happened at Disney World, you know, it's like the biggest thing ever. Yeah, that little kid, that's pretty fucked up. Yeah, it is. There was a goddamn monster living at Disneyland. This is how tolerant people get. They get so silly. They're like, well, he's here before us. This is, he's probably a 17-year-old alligator. This is where he lives. This is his peaceful environment. And he made money. He ate a baby. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And you got to be a nasty alligator if you're sitting there. And you could, there's probably been other choices came by. You know, there was probably a couple of, you know, young lovers that were out there by the water earlier and you waited, you know. You might not get a young lover though. A young lover might fight back. Yeah. You know. Yeah, and there's two of them. That's true. I don't know though. They worry though. They're pretty invulnerable. You know, if you cut off an alligator's arm, it just grows back. That's gangster. That's as gangster as it gets. Go ahead, chop it off, bitch. I'll see you in a month with a new one. Dude, that's the two-pocketed animal kingdom. Really? When you think about it? Two fingers full of bullet holes headed to the ambulance. And he's throwing up his fingers. Dude, how gangster alligators, their arms are so short and they're just so capable, man. I'm sure you've seen the video of that new one that they found in Florida that is on a golf course and it's like 15 feet long. It's one of the biggest gators I've ever filmed. These people are on the golf course. They're looking up at this gator. See if you can find it, Jamie. We can't show it on YouTube. You have to find it on YouTube because we, I got, that got, be pulled off Facebook. There's something happens when you have these animal videos in particular when they go on Facebook like people own those videos. So when they go to look for, they have like an algorithm they can find and if it's on your page, they'll pull your whole page down. Dang. Yeah, they own this. But so this, so many films, there's a couple different angles of it. A bunch of people filmed it because it was so crazy. So these people are all playing golf and they're in the foreground. So you can see it like there it is. Look at that fucking thing. Oh my yee. Yeah, but look at the guy. And that's a real animal, huh? Yeah. Oh wow. You realize how big it is when you see a guy. Now watch how this guy walks in the foreground and the guy, when the guy steps out. It looks Turkish a little, doesn't it? It looks fake. It looks fake. It looks fucking gigantic. Now, now you see how big it is. Now you understand how big it is because you see this guy. Like are you kidding me? And they estimated it somewhere around 15 feet. And did they catch it? I don't think so, man. They found it again. They found it again in a pond. See if you can find it. They rediscovered this alligator in a pond. I think that was the title of the video. Maybe they're making a comeback, dude. I hope something comes in attacks that some animal dude, I'm ready for it. Everybody to fight something. Don't fight alligators, man. You don't want to fight them. Well, I'll get out there and do something, man. There's this dude that I have a, I've had on my podcast before, but he's his name is Jim Shockey. He's a very famous hunter from Canada and they hired him to go to a certain river in Africa. I think it was the Congo, but I'm not sure. Might have been the Nile. Anyway, he had to go. He went down there to kill some crocodiles that were eating people. It is one of the craziest videos, man. You go there and these villagers, like everyone's got a stump. Everyone's missing an arm or a hand or they got a chunk bitten out of their chest. It's crazy when you look at these poor people and they're all just living in fear. And while he was down there, a woman got taken. Yeah, they were up river looking for these killer crocodiles to try to shoot them. And one of the women was washing clothes and she just got yanked right out of the water. God, that'd be the worst too. Well, it was really scary, man. You kind of do laundry. Oh, yeah, right. Just washed her underwear. Seeing the reaction of the people that were wailing, just wailing, crying, you know, because it wasn't just like they lost someone. It's like, God, they lost another person. It's like that woman's gone now forever. She was consumed, consumed by a monster. Like that is their actual existence. Damn. Sitting by a river that they need, it's water for life and the water is infested by monsters who are actively targeting them for food. Yeah. Oh, God. That's crazy. I'd be like if somebody like there was a killer in Walmart and they just didn't know who or where it was constantly like what lions would jump out while you were eating at Walmart. Yeah. What were you buying food? Laughling. Yeah. Yeah, we got it pretty easy, man. You know, those people must be so interesting. Like people that live under that kind of pressure, like their view of life and we can understand their language. I bet they have like a, you know, like you listen to like read like ancient works of literature, ancient poetry, stuff like that. And you think about it like these are people that are, we're going through war, like the ancient Greeks and the ancient Romans. Yeah. Like you would read their words. You go, well, this is fascinating. You know, it's being translated. This is the words of someone who's gone through like sword war. Yeah. Back when they would fight with arrows and shins swords and catapults and the intensity of life back then when death was just around every corner, it was everywhere. It must be so, so intense to talk to someone like that. You should fly in a pygmy or something. You thought about that? No, but I have had my friend Justin Ren who has been with the pygmies in the congos for like many, many years. He goes and builds wells for them. Stays over there for months at a time. He's had malaria three times. He's going to come out again soon. He just texted me. I got to text him. We're going to find a date. I used to be in the wish him. I used to be in the well business a little bit. Not wishing wells, mostly not water wells, but I worked for this. This is made by a pygmy in the Congo out of a nail. It's a little knife that Justin brought me. Wow. Yeah, they take these nails and there's one over there too. See that now right there in the desk. That's what it looks like. They hammer these nails out and they turn them into knives. So it starts out a nail that they find and they pound it down and sharpen it and turn it into a knife. Yeah, dude. If history came back, if history struck back to we would I wouldn't make it. I wouldn't make it long. I wouldn't make it long. Ah, you'd be fine. I don't know. I'm not prepared for a ball. You would be though. People are adaptable. You're smart dude. Theobhan. I would lead. I would think a little bit. I would adapt. I'd lay low in the beginning. Yeah, you know, like somebody does. Pick your battles. Yeah, pick my battles dude. You have to kill somebody immediately. You have to find the first person in your group, the weakest person and kill them in front of everybody else. Yeah. Like you can't just stand there. Can it be like, yeah, duh, you gotta kill some dude. Well think about that man. You can't stand there and just be in a common. You know, everybody's chatting the group huddle and everybody's like, you gotta take somebody out right then because that's going to show your dominance. A hundred. I mean, it's going to at least going to show like this dude is going to do something. I see what you're saying, but I think if you think ahead, you would think, well, no, then they're going to think that he's arbitrarily going to always kill the weakest person. Eventually, it's going to get to no one because there's going to be the next weakest person and that guy's dead now and the next week, like who's to decide whether or not you're weak or you're not weak. If you were going to do that, the person would have to be either a terrible person who is victimizing other people, right? Or they would have to have attacked first. It would have to be, or they would have to have been such a piece of shit that people were rooting for you. Like somebody that was real chatty and you just asked them. There's no way I'm trying to survive like a, like a, you know, the second coming of the universe and some dude's chatty in my group, bro. That's not going to happen. Especially if like he fucks up some hunting parties, you're out there with sneaking up on a pig and he's like, oh my god, it's so hot out. Fuck. The pig runs away and everybody's hungry. Yeah, chatty with you the first man. I think about that kind of stuff. Like if a plane crash, I already know I'm playing to head dude. I'd eat a Vietnamese guy. Why? Cause it's easy. It's a starter move. If you attack somebody bigger, if you eat somebody bigger in front of other people, it's going to alarm people, but you got to eat a small person. So stature is important. I think if you gum down a Viet, people aren't going to be that upset at you. These people are going to be super upset. What are you talking about? Someone's dad. They're more understanding of things, dude. Is this a character you're playing? No, but if you eat a black, dude, you eat a black lady and her family's there, they're going to be pissed. So you think a Vietnamese person will let you slide? I think that they'd be much more forgiving over a couple of day period. I think like their relatives. You don't think so? Honestly, one thing. No, I don't think so. I definitely think they'd be super pissed at you, especially modernized ones, but what is interesting is like Vietnam is one of the few places where Americans can go back to Vietnam. They don't seem to hold any grudge at all. Exhibit A. Exhibit A. Honestly, well Asian people in general are just much more forgiving and understanding. It seems like I feel like I think I mean, I don't have much. I think I think that's a giant generalization. It probably is, you know, I mean, I did a fast for like four days and then I was at the Best Buy. And I remember this Vietnamese guy was trying to help me out and I couldn't even hear him. I was so hungry and I couldn't. You did a fast for four days. Oh, dude. Yeah. What were you trying to prove? I don't know, man. I was probably just dealing with some stuff and I was just trying to find a different way to handle it, you know, right? And then I remember this Vietnamese guy and I remember thinking if everybody turned the other way for a second, I could eat this young fella, you know, Ben. His name was Ben actually over there in Westwood. But I never thought God, it's so ridiculous. Well, I mean, but here's the thing. I'd never thought that before. So you only thought you got to the verge of cannibalism after just four days. Yeah. Damn. How much weight did you lose? Probably lost about four pounds of pounds. I needed to you know, but I got clear man. I could and I could hear swear to God. Y'all could hear somebody fold a piece of bread from 80 feet away. Bro. I was so hungry, dude. I could hear a fucking skittle hit the cement across the street. I really could man. Okay.