Ari Shaffir's Vasectomy Made Him a Terrorist Threat

Somebody showed me a tweet I made recently, a year ago. I'm like, how did we get from Burt can't run a marathon to all gonna go straight edge for a month? What the fuck happened? That's exactly what we got from Burt. That is true. He couldn't do it faster than your dad did. Suddenly we're all straight edge. He was a holocaust survivor. And then he was, but he was also like, I could run a marathon tomorrow. He'd spawn Russell and Travis easily. I technically kind of did. Yeah, you did. I technically did. I did blow the doors off you guys. You were really, really amazed. But I think the real test was that Tom was going to try to roller skate a marathon faster than I can love it. But he didn't take into account going uphill. Or the fact that he has never roller skated. Yeah, but that's easy to learn. Yeah, it's pretty flat. Four wheels. It's not like it's like calculus. But what do you think would have happened on the roller skating part of it? After running that marathon? Yeah. He would have crushed you. I think you probably would have beat me. It was a flat. LA Marathon was uphill downtown. But once you got past the store, you would have been hauling fucking ass down Los Angeles. Yeah, it would never caught up. From seller to the, nobody, you would have gotten hurt. Yeah, a couple of roller skating people reached out to me. And they were like, no, they said like your feet are going to, you're going to be in rough fucking shape. Like it's not easy. It would blow out his calves. Hold on, the roller skating people? Yeah, they reached out. The roller skating. Dude, I started to get it from- Hey, bro, don't think this lightly. We're warriors. I get it from people that have been doing it for years. And also like, what is it like to roller derby people? They were like, yeah, you got to be careful. Well, just think about skiing for five hours. If you had a ski- Oh, what greatness that would be. Yeah, but if you had a ski for five hours straight without going up lift hills, going up the lifts, up the hills, if you just skied only on your feet for five hours, I bet you would be hurting. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, you would hurt anyway. It's muscles are all sore. Yeah. And you're like, I'm not skiing. Like Jesus, because you're always like, ah, ah, yeah, I'm for a treat. Ah, ah. Yeah. No, I would have been fucked up for sure. You got fucked up. Did you see me crash-burnt? No, yeah, I did. I did. And then I pulled up and you were like, oh, I don't think it's broken. Cut to surgery. How broken is it? I put a pin in it. A piece broke off. Wait, this is the same cast I saw you with? Yeah, the big one. Damn. Yeah, it's down to this now. There we go. So you got a pin in there, like a metal pin? A piece broke off. I got some sort of pin. What's good about that, it gives one more reason to fuck with the people at TSA. Oh, you're going to be fucking unbearable. My vasectomy did that. They're like, how come something's going off to you? Everything you're talking about is vasectomy. It's like, anything you're talking about is vasectomy. They're like, what about belt? Like, vasectomy. And they're like, what do you think it's? I'm like, I had my dick cut and you're a fucking stupid thing that you're the head of this company decided we need to buy. It points out that I got a vasectomy. Really? How does it know you got a vasectomy? Because it's a little inconsistent. It's like a hard thing in there. It's like a peanut. You want to feel it? No. It's your choice. Interesting. So it's calcified. You got like a little rock. Something like that. Rocking you a dick hole. Yeah, so now I'm a fucking terrorist threat.