#2158 - Harland Williams

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Harland Williams

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Harland Williams is a stand-up comic, author, actor, musician, and host of "The Harland Highway" podcast. www.harlandwilliams.com

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Texas

2mo ago

Looks like Christian Horner and says "yeah" like Dax Shepard in Idiocracy.

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I think I've known you for 30 years. You know how crazy that this? 31. Is it really? Yeah. Wow. I remember the day we met. Really? Baskin Robbins on Melrose. Really? Yeah. Do we meet at Baskin Robbins? Baskin Robbins on Melrose. Really? Yeah. Do we meet at Baskin Robbins? Baskin Robbins. I got one of those memories like the girl from Taxi. Oh, do you really? We got a mint chocolate chip, double scoop, and I had peanut butter and chocolate. I think you're making this up. Well, I think you're making this up. He's making this up. I was like, let's see all this guys. He's saying he's got a memory like the lady from Taxios like that. I couldn't even remember a name That lady's got a crazy memory she does she can tell you like dates in 1972 what day it was dude I bumped into it a sushi joint once and she reenacted the day I lost my virginity Unbelievable, wow she remembered it. Oh, she know I lost my virginity. So unbelievable. Wow. She remembered it. Oh, she know. It was her. It was her. Oh, really? She popped my chair. It was hot back in the day. She drove my taxi. Ooh. Yeah. She acted as your depot. Wait, what's your name? Mary Lou Retina? No. What is it? It's close. Mary Lou Iris Cornia Cornia Mary Lou Cornia. Where was her name? Retina she's a gymnast. That's the gymnast. What was her name? That's the deaf check. Yeah, that's the one that everybody had a pretend was really good at acting But she did win an Oscar didn't she? Mary Lou Hennor. Oh She did win an Oscar, didn't she? Mary Lou Henner. Oh, she did the tampon commercials. Did she? Yeah. And who better to do them than a Tumblr? They get guys to do them now. Yeah. It's a new world. Yeah. Yeah, there she is. Back in the day when she was on Taxi, she was hot. [2:02] But you can't ever lie to her. Yeah, she knows everything. You didn't, you, like, I didn't say that, like not only did you say that, you were wearing this. Yeah. Yeah, she just knows it all. Yeah, I'm believe a blow. That's probably a real issue in relationships. Well, you can't, you can never argue with her about who is right. She remembers it. Yeah, you Yeah. 100%. You're, you got a foggy ass bullshit, normal human. Like, how good's your memory? My memory's not that good. Maybe she's an elephant. I don't think their memory's that good. They say they are. Yeah, but like shit that you would remember too. Right. Like how often you watch one of those nature shows and you see like elephants wandering around aimlessly and you know they're looking for their car. Because they can't remember where they parked. Idiots. My survival elephants can drive. That would be a real problem. How big would their fucking car be? How big would their roads have to be? Wow. If anybody else, any other animals, start developing electronics, I think we just kill [3:02] them. Yeah. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing over there? Like we wouldn't be cool with chips fascinating their own weapons if they started making guns If the chips start smelting iron Yeah, figure out ballistics. You see chips on the range. Yeah, you're like hey, hey, hey, only us. Yeah Well, this is not what planet of the apes is all about like similar they evolved to the point where Wasn't the new one like experiments Wasn't it like some kind of experiments Like they were they would do like back in the day was like a time machine thing like they went right like the really old ones Yeah, the first time machine and you go Forward in time and you realize like oh my god that apes are now humans Yeah, they landed so far in the future on earth. You know who wrote that one, Rod Serlick. Oh did it really? He was a twilight talking man. He was away out of his time with everything. Genius. So many good episodes. You go back to watch the twilight zones like no production value, no money for special effects, incredible show. [4:07] And that's what was part of their charm, but the music, everything worked. And if you look at a lot of modern day movies, they were predicated on those old shows. Like Chuckie, there's an old episode with Telly Savales. Taki Tina. Hi, I'm Taki Tina and I'm going to kill you. This was a doll, remember? Fast forward to Chuckie that demented red-headed, freckle-faced freak. Look at that. There she is, Taki Tina. You know my favorite one was to serve man. Oh yeah, it's a cookbook. Yeah. And then Julia Childs walks out of the UFO. Yeah, yeah. How are we everybody? We're gonna serve your children. What did the aliens look like on to serve, man? Oh, very bizarre. Yeah, they had giant bulbous heads. Yeah, there it is. Yeah, they look like her and monster without the hair. [5:01] Well, how bad does fucking make up is? You can see where you can glue your cheek. You can see everything is so shitty. Like you better than that in a high school musical. Speaking of human cook box, I have a buddy who just had a kid and he told me him and his wife made placenta smoothies. And I'm sitting here going, what if you love them? What if you love the taste you're on kid? And one day you're with Billy at the park, and you're just looking at him and you're like, you know, you start licking your lips, like he sure did taste good. And then cannibalism and he eat your own kid. I don't think it's actually eating your own kid. I think it's eating the nutrients that provide nourishment to the kid while it's in the womb. It's not, you're not eating the kid. The kid is separate from the placenta. It is? Yeah, the kid is natural. Oh, I thought it was covered. Like, you know when a gazelle drops its baby on the calahari and it like licks all that fill moth it, isn't that placenta? [6:06] Or is that just like a pastasauce? It's like carbonara. I think that is placenta right? I mean it probably must be. So isn't that what human kids have? Don't they have that like gazelle? But it's not the kid itself. It's the nutrients that the kid was consuming while they were in the, I believe, obviously I'm not a doctor. Yeah, look at this. This one's gonna drop it. They eat that. She about to drop. Boy, how vulnerable are they when they're giving birth? Oh, yeah. And half of those kids get snatched up immediately. Really? Yeah, some cats are wild dogs or something come run over and steal your baby and that's it. You carry that thing around inside of you for months. You love it more than anything in life. They'll protect it like, obviously they have this insane connection with that baby and then it gets snatched away by a cat. And literally doesn't get its first bleat out. Like it lifts its head, and then bonk. [7:02] Well that's one of the things that people have to be very aware about North America. What? Bears. What bears are doing to deer and moose the same thing. Like the half of the, like if you really love deer and moose and elk, I love them. Half of those animals babies got eaten by bears. Yeah. The like half of the babies that come out. Half. Half. Yeah like that. the like half of the babies that come out. Half. Half. Yeah, like, you know, it's a good thing in a good ecosystem. To call the herd. Yeah, well, it's just, it's not even just a call to herd. It's just to, that's how, that's what they're there for. Like, it's a system. We look at it like it's this beautiful thing because it is beautiful. You see these animals in the wild and nature, but what it is, it's a system. It's got a mathematical system. You have numbers. The amount of predators is based on the amount of prey and the amount of babies they have and the amount of babies that survive. Animals that have less babies don't survive as well. Animals that are bigger, [8:00] fight off the wolves better. It's like there's a whole system. The whole system and it trickles down right to the vegetation and the ecosystem. You know this, like if they remove the wolves, then the elk and caribou herds expand and they start eating all the growth on the river banks causing erosion, the river is flat. Now it just, so you have to have those predators. So I'm glad they're eating half and I'm gonna if they're listening eat three quarters if they were any half we would be overrun by by deer and yeah like you'd you'd have a situation where you have like a New Zealand where they have to fly over the hills and just gun them down moose and now they have the New Zealand New Zealand New Zealand's a wild place well Literally, but it's beautiful. So beautiful. Both. They got there in, I get the 1700s or something like that, maybe the 1800s, and these European settlers, these European explorers, like this place is so beautiful, but it doesn't have any things for us to kill. [9:00] Why don't we bring in a bunch of wild animals from Europe that we like to kill? And so they turned it into like a wild game safari park for hunting. Cheezoo. Yeah, so there's all these animals like stags and all these different kinds of deer, all these animals that are not supposed to be in New Zealand. They're everywhere. They're so overwhelmed. Like if you buy elk, like if you go to a restaurant and you buy elk tenderloin, okay. Most likely that elk is coming from New Zealand. No. Yeah. There's elk in New Zealand? A lot of elk in New Zealand. And it's probably, they probably are allowed to consider stag elk too. I don't think they, I don't, that's a good question. I don't know. They're so similar. They're such a similar animal. They probably taste exactly the same, the only LK have a cool sound, but stags have a really cool, stags sound like a lion. Have you ever heard a stag roar? Yeah, it's really fucking cool. And then when they mate, the male elks do that whistle. You know that sounds like a pickle. What a weird noise. [10:06] Yeah. Look at his penis growing up and down. Oh yeah, they jizzled over themselves. Wow. Well, I've seen elk do it where they just piss all over themselves while they're screaming. They're screaming. Elk's are even cooler. Give me an elk and elk bugle elk bugle. I think it's the coolest Sound world. Oh me bro if you didn't know if you didn't know if you were in the dark and you were in the In camping and you know elk bugle and you didn't know what that was you think oh my god. There's monsters out here. Yeah Yeah, there it is. Couldn't you imagine that being a monster? Yeah. It's sort of like an instrument. Imagine if it's dark out, you hear that? You're like, fuck! It's demons! Yeah, that's what kind of haunting and scary. [11:05] That's the greatest animal. And then they go and do the big cats go into a flamin'. You know this? Flamin'. I ran into problems with girlfriends because of this. It's like when the female lions are the leopards, they get ripe, you know what I mean? Ready to party? Let's go. The lions and the cheetahs, they do this thing where they smell the female scent and they, you know, they do this thing where they curl their lip up. Yeah. And it's like a sexual thing. And that, for some reason, I don't know why, but I do that when I'm about to get into some love making. You do a little bit of that? And do you embody the lion? I don't know, I just have the thing. It's like, and they never stick around. Yeah. Flemish response takes place when one lion of either sex sniffs or smells the urine of another. Chemicals and hormones contain the urine elicit the Flemish response. Usually after smelling the urine patch on the ground [12:02] or vegetation, the cat is doing the smelling, will lift his or her head and hold her lips back in a strong grimace. Let me see it. Yeah, and I got it. It's just like, yeah, look. I got to start dating girls that wipe, I guess. Look at that face. That urine. Yeah. Look at it that right before it fucking closes down on your neck. gonna go, oh yeah, I'm not getting out of this. Here's fucking no escape, there's no hip escape, there's no jiu-jitsu move. There's no poking in the eye. That's a wrap, it's a wrap. Look at that mouth. That is a wrap, a wrap of the wrap. I had a moment when I was on Safari in Africa, where it's the only time in my life I started shaking. We were on a private land rover. We came up on two male lions that had just made a kill. We're literally probably, I'd say, 25 feet from them. And one of them got up and we're in the open land rover, right? [13:01] With no protection, no windows. So we got the guy driving from our camp, and this thing, one of them got up walked or a halfway to us and just did that burning stare with its golden eyes. Oh my God. And I was holding my hand, because it was one of the few times in my life, I felt like I was in death's door. Like that line could have been on me in two seconds and it was terrifying but exhilarating at the same time. How do they know that the lions won't jump into the cab and pull people out? They get acclimated to these kind of clunky things and look, I believe me, I know nature's unpredictable. Crossed, do you have to have? Well, I said to our driver, he was parked in front of a stump. I said to him, I said, dude, I know you do this every day. Get away from the stump. We need to have an exit strategy. Yeah. And so we'll be fine. I said, no, move from the stump. Cause nature, you don't know when nature's gonna do that. [14:05] Did you know it was gonna be an open air thing? Yeah, yeah. And you were cool with that? Yeah, it's beautiful. But I didn't know we were gonna come up on two male lions that were in the middle of eating a wildebeest and be the only ones there and like 25 feet away. And one of them was gonna shorten the distance by half. Oh God. Was this before or after the lady from Game of Thrones, who was the video editor? She's one of the video editors of Game of Thrones. She got pulled out of a car by all means. Oh, she did? Well, there you go. There's your answer, yeah. It can happen. I think it was a different situation, though. I don't think they were acclimated to the open air ones because in this one it was cars and she rolled her window down to reach out to take a picture and the catch is snatched her. It's like a toy. I mean you're basically rolling a piece of yarn. If you see, if a cat sees the thing that he couldn't get, but now he can get it, their [15:02] instinct is just to get it. Like even if they never would do that, if the windows are rolled down from the beginning. Yeah. The moment they see you peeking out. Yeah. Like you're basically like dangling. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's just a video of it. I know. So I just a picture. This is how it happened. Yeah. Oh God. That's so horrible, man. Oh my God. Look how big that thing is imagine that pulling you out of the fucking car. Oh my god So I was in Florida on whoo and I was doing a gig like on one side of Florida and had to cross over to the other side And in between we walking no no Daddy out of here's where it got clunky right I? I rented a convertible, right? Cause it's Florida. So I had time to kill, so I looked on the thing, halfway across, there's a lion safari where you can drive through, right? And you drove through in a convertible? No, so I pulled up and they said, sir, you can't go through the convertible, but for 10 extra dollars, [16:02] we'll rent you one of our little junkers and the junkers were painted like a zebra because it was a lion park. So they painted them with stripe. It was like a piece of crap that was just meant to go through the two mile park and out. So it's like a million degrees. It's Florida. It's Tuesday on one in the afternoon. No one's there because I'm cutting across the country. This is like a weekend place. They put me in this zebra mobile. I'm all alone in this park. I get right in the middle of the lion thing. There's like 60 lions. The carcans out. 300 degrees. No AC because it's an old junker. And I just got 60 lion just going Zebra and I'm just sitting there no one's coming Daddy sitting there in the in the prize to sit there for I sat there for about 15 20 minutes till they came and I got to crack the window cuz it's like a it's like a dog in a Walmart parking lot [17:01] And it was and I'm sitting there going I'm a zebra I'm sitting there I'm a zebra you could die of heat exposure in there or by getting mulled by a pride alliance I mean they're gay if it's a pride alliance by the way no pride isn't always gay okay they look gay to me I didn't used to be gay used to be like you're proud of something one of them had their hair fluffed out he looks pretty gay it's actually in the Bible. Lions? Okay. Pride. Pride. It's not good. Wait. What do we talk about? Is it the same thing? I don't know. It's in the Bible. It's one of the sins. What? Pride? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's one of the, yeah, there's six like. So why would you make a thing that is like I have American pride. I love America. I do have American pride. I'm a patriot. I think this is an amazing place. Yeah. So I have pride. So does that mean I'm gay or does it mean I'm sinning? Well, if it's just the verb, you're just you know what I'm saying? It's like what a flexible word. If you're trying to learn American English, [18:08] like how we use things, like just English, and you spoke another language that was more logical, you'd be like, what the fuck? Why don't you have different words? Yeah. Why do you have the same word? It means such different things. Like the word rose. Isn't there like seven different meanings for the word rose rose the flower rose up yeah right yeah yeah yeah it's just like right they just think I don't think of rose of corn yeah yeah rose the boat yeah oh my god there's so many yeah that's so stupid well there's two there there's ROSC and ROWF same sound did you want a sound yeah you obviously didn't they're making new pronouns sounds every day yeah you could have called. You could have called. You could have made a new pronoun sounds every day. Yeah. You could have called rows of corn, like clonk of corn. Yeah. Something that doesn't make me fucking confused. Wow. Especially if I'm learning the language, like I speak Portuguese or something, like, hold on my friend, this is the same word. Like, what What are you saying? What a goofy, it's you need so much context to be able to figure out, [19:06] I think English is supposed to be one of the most difficult languages to learn. I think Russian's very hard, Chinese is very hard, Mandarin's very hard. Manatee, is that what you said? Mandarin, like Chinese. Oh God. Imagine like you can speak it, but you can't read it or write it, Because that happens with a lot of Asian languages, like to learn Japanese. It's like speaking Japanese is hard, but now you have to learn how to read it and write it. Like that's extra hard. I got a story for you about that a little later. Do you learn Japanese? I saw it, well, Vietnamese. I saw it, I saw it, I saw it, I saw it, I saw it, I saw it. Well, you and NOM? Yeah. Possibly. I did two tours in NOM. And I gotta say, SunQuest Bus Lines. The best tours. Oh God. Air Condition Buses. It's got two tours. Right? Tourists. Very different meaning. [20:00] If you're talking about going to Vietnam in 1967. Huge difference. Big difference. And I found out. Do you mind if I just dip into, I brought a little something I have to do in about every 20 minutes I do apologize? What is it? I have to have an eating thing I have to do. Really? Well, if you don't mind. No, no, not at all. No. Oh, God. What is your eating thing? I have a tapeworm for real. Yeah Like I that's about almost four feet have you ever had one You really do? Yeah. I never know with you, you know. I don't know if I should feel bad or start mocking you. Well, you can do whatever. I don't know. I don't know if I like to feel bad if it's true. You have a real tapeworm? I do. How'd you get it, do you think? I was in the Galapagos Islands recently. And we, they have a rodent over there called the Bermuda eel rat. [21:07] And it's not a documented species. It's the local jargon. Everything evolves in, as you know, through Darwin, everything evolved over in the Galapagos, the tortoises, everything. It's a unique place where evolution took place. And I guess this wrap became a bit elongated, it's spined, and so they call it the, came off originally off of a Bermuda, like transport ship or something. Right. And so they eat it over there. And I ate the damn thing and I got a parasite that led to a tapeworm, and she's about a four footer. What do they do to get out? Get it out. Well they have pills but this is I don't even know if I should talk about this but I there's a little odd I sort of got attached to the little fella. Oh you like [22:04] having it now? Well you know we hear all this talk about, you know, women and men and men can have babies. They're telling men they can have children. Don't go to a little baby tapeworm. Well, let's just say I have something living inside me and I sort of like it. I sort of like sometimes I can feel it moving around. Sometimes I'll put a piece of cheese in the bed at night and it'll come out and I feel like I have a tail. And so what I have to do is I have to eat celery. Well what it does it reacts to the vibration of sound and celery's kind of got the best kind of crunch and It kind of settles the guy down Okay, just I just need to take a couple of bites. Are you good? [23:03] Well, you're gonna laugh. You have to do this about every 20 minutes for the tapeworm. Yeah, settles them down. I think you go into a bad doctor. I think you're getting bad advice. No, I just mean for me. For you. This is like a self-medicating. Yeah, I think they can get rid of those things, man. No, but what I'm saying, I've grown attached to demeatry. I like going with demeatry. It's probably like, you know, I have a forced labor. But I like demeatry. Yeah, but you can't keep a baby inside you forever. The whole idea is the baby gets born and then it goes out. Hold on, Dr. Spock. These suckers can grow up to 30 feet long. Mine's a four footer. Can they really get that big? How do they know how big is this? Would they do an MRI or something? Well, we did an ultrasound. And they could see the tape inside of it. [24:01] Do you got a picture of that? I don't have a picture handy. How do you not have a picture on your phone of that? Got my kid of little Dmitry? Yeah. It seems like he'd be really sad if you didn't have a picture of him. I got to bring one in. When I come back next week, I'll bring one in. Tapeworms are sesto, stesto, it's could range and length one meter up to 50 feet. 50 feet dude 15 meters the length and width of the tapeworms can vary depending upon the species. Wow. Um, pork beef, fish tapeworms can grow to be 15 to 30 feet. Oh yeah. Permute a eel rat. Yeah. Do they have that there? How'd that rat taste? You know, it's kind of good. Yeah. They season it up with the Galapagos seasoning and it's kind of like blackened catfish, but it's like Galapagos seasoning. See, you think all those people that live there probably have tapeworms? I don't know if they have it, but I sure got it. They have to have it. If you got it, that must mean everybody has it. Unbelievable. There's places in the world that, especially like tropical places where most people have some kind of parasite. [25:07] It just becomes a part of your body. You now exist with that thing in you forever. You know? Have you ever had a tapeworm? No, I have not. Do you want one? No, thanks. What's the worst thing you've ever had? Like the worst weird ailment? Staff infection. No way how many people on your staff? It was a small business. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, just one employee. What's a staff infection? It's an infection that you get on your skin and it's like a bacterial infection. Exactly. And it's really common in Jiu Jitsu. And a lot of people get it and they don't recognize it. Ari actually had it and Ari didn't know he had it until I pointed it out. And we got him to the hospital right away. Ari and I were playing pool and he was limping. I'm like, why are you limping? And he goes, I got a spider bite and I go, let me see it. And he pulls his pants up and his knee, he has this swollen like pimple on his knee [26:08] and the pus at the end of it. I go, dude, you have a staff infection. I go, we gotta get you to the hospital right now. He goes, are you serious? Is it lethal? Yeah. It's lethal. Yeah, people die. If they get have died from staff. It happens all the time. Yeah, people get in and hospitals a lot, don't they? Yes, and unfortunately in hospitals, they get something called MRSA. And MRSA is medication-resistant staff infection. Wow. A lot of black gospel singers get that out of here. MRSA? Oh, that's MRSA, I'm sorry. What were you saying, Jamie? Didn't you say, didn't you say something? Oh, I thought I heard you. I thought I'd talk about numbers of people dying of staff infection. Yeah, I heard that too. How many people a year die from staff infections? I think it's a big number. Wow. I know quite a few people have been, [27:00] have been deathly ill from staff infections. So I had to go to the hospital and get their legs cut open and get their legs drained. Yeah. Yeah, it's a horrible, horrible thing to watch. Like it eats holes in people. You've watched staff infection surgeries? No, no, no. I mean, I've seen them online. 2017, the Center of Disease Control Prevention reported that almost 20,000 people in the United States died from bloodstream infections caused by staff. That's 2017, he killed 20,000 people. Yeah, so that's the worst thing I've had, for sure. How long did it last? Didn't last very long because I caught it. I got real lucky, I caught it quick. I was at an airport with my friend Tate and I had this little pimples on my calf and he goes, uh, he goes, hey, uh, what is out of your calf? I go, I don't know, something. And he goes, did I think that staff? I go, really? He goes, yeah, he should get it looked at. So immediately I went to dermatologist and he's like, yeah, it looks like staff. And he put me in antibiotics before they even got the results of the test back. He put you on it, not your cow. My cow. I thought you said your calf. [28:06] Calf like leg. Part of your leg. That one, that one you really went out there with that one. That's the worst thing. Do you really have a tapeworm? I do. For real. Yes. Please. And what do they, they have you on Ivermectin? What do they have you on? They don't have, they just, you can't get it, all they do is kill it. It can live in your system. They told me for your whole life. Right. Yeah, you ever seen bears? They have them like sticking out of their ass. Oh yeah. Like a fucking hose, like a garden hose, just hanging. You ever seen the worms that come out of praying mantises? Oh yes, this is it. They're like, huge, huge. They put a praying mantis in water, and that bastard must not have been praying enough because it's got a tapeworm longer than Dolly Parton's ass hair. Not only that, those worms, those aquatic worms, trick grasshoppers into drowning themselves. [29:00] They could be, what are you doing, man? Don't do that.'t know the pulp I know but don't just grab it and put it I know but it was I felt like I was chewing cod well I put it on the other celery Okay, I would never put cod on your table the celery please well I don't want the meat tree to get upset You need to reach into your asshole and pull the meat tree out Wow, you need to like you, like with your shoulders down the ground, ask up here, just get it. Get it in there. Joseph and give birth. Joseph, dial it down. I'm not gonna, is he ever turtle on you? Yes, does he? That's why column to meet you. One night I put out a piece of fetiches, the Greek stuff, and he went nuts, came out. Came out. If you ever seen a Burmese python, yes. I had a lady friend over, and I guess little Dimitri got jealous, and I woke up all I heard was, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I looked over. [30:02] He was, yeah, unbelievable. How are you laying? Spooning? Like where's her face? Is it like right where your ass is? Well, we spoon upside down. It's over. It makes sense. She uses her, my nose like a bicycle rack. He have to come. He's not pretty, but he's my boy. Yeah, it's not pretty, but he's my boy. How long is it going to take to kill him? I don't want to kill him. This is why I'm... Not but for real, for real. How long is it going to take to kill it? Well, once you take those pills, you can kill it within about three days. And you're not taking the pills? No. I'm telling you a guy, you know, I feel like I have a boy inside me. Wow, wait a minute. Like a child. Okay. Well, good luck with that. Thank you. If you see, I want to see a photo of those bears. Hmm. The bears that have it, it's so disgusting. It looks like like enormous spaghetti. [31:02] Oh, it's a ten-year ass. Have you ever been attacked by a bear? No. Oh, it was a 10-year-old. Have you ever been attacked by a bear? No. I'm here, right? Well, look at that. There are survivors and I couldn't. Look at that tapeworm coming out of his asshole. How crazy is that? Whoa, looks like he just got married. You should put 10 cans on the end of those. Look at me that's looking. He just hoping someone steps on it so he could pull it out of his ass. Yeah. Looks like he was parachuting and he landed and he's dragging the parachute. I mean, how insane is that? Wow. I mean, their whole body is just a disgusting mess. Yeah. Like when you eat bears. You eat bear? You have eaten bear. Gris, black bear, polar. Black bear. Black bear. Black bear, not gris. No, I've eaten bear grizz black bear polar black bear black bear not grizz No, I've never had one else. What's what's the white? Why do you black bear? Well, I did them. Yeah, yeah They have to but I heard it's kind of a musky kind of weird taste No, it really depends on what they've been eating but most unfortunately most of those bears are probably eating calves [32:03] moose calves and Fonds deer fawns they tasted good black bears are kind of like goats though. They'll eat just about anything They'd a lot do you know then the early days the pioneers used to eat bear and they would use deer for skin Say again, you just use deer skins. They just use the the hide from deer. They were eating bear Oh, I see bear more than they ate anything else. Is that right? Yeah, am that crazy? Well, maybe there was a reason for that because the bear was a threat to them. So maybe it's like, let's kill the thing that could kill our cattle or kill our children and let's eat that versus the docile. This is just a theory. I just cannot put just a theory. I just cannot put it. Not a good theory. That makes sense. You know, we definitely want to kill the thing that's killing your food. And if you could eat it too, all the better. And apparently they thought it tasted the most like beef. Whereas like venison is different. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So they ate a lot of bear. [33:02] Black bears are dangerous, but grises are the one you gotta be careful about. They're all dangerous, man. They're all bears. I don't know if it can I share something with you? Please do. I'm a blueberry nut. Like I might like blueberries. When blueberry season hits in early spring, I'm nuts about it. How's the meat you feel about that? Well, she like salary. I'll give them berries. There you make fun of my boy. So anyway, blueberries. So this was about seven years ago. I'm up on a hill in Bamp, out in Canada, in the Rocky Mountains. Gris, you know, Gris, and I'll use a line from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Remember our Caracodus Pots? He was the father to Dick Van Dyke. And he used this line where he's singing. He goes, he's doing a song in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and he doesn't [34:00] line where he goes. And the bear came a lullip in over the mountain. And I'm sitting there pickin' blueberries. And this behemoth comes flying over the hill. So that was a grizzly bear. It was a grizz. And when they attack, they roll you. They roll and claw. And I've never done this, but... and I've never done this but you're such a dork hey fuck it what can't. Dude, this is not easy for me to talk about. I'm sick that I can't. The bear came a lola pin over the mountain. And uh... That tattoo belongs to a mechanic in Idaho and you need to give it back to him. [35:01] So... Let me see it again. What the... Let me see it again what the I'm you see it again the back of my lullipin over the mountain what there you said that the longest anyone's ever gone for a gag that's that is yeah it's the furthest anyone's ever gone you actually got a tattooed on your chest. Well, hang on, guy. I'm trying to tell you, I got attacked by a gris. No. No. You know what? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Oh my god. No. No. No. No. No. No. No Oh my God. It probably barely should sell. And you know what I did? I did a thing I've meant to call the jelly roll. Because I'm in the blueberries, the only way to evade the gris, I rolled down the hill. He's ripping my chest, straight down the hill into a river. [36:01] Boom. Bouncing around like Moses. Blueberry jelly. Blueberry jelly. Blueberry jelly. Blueberry Moses, Blueberry Jellic. Blueberry Jellic. Burculosis teeth. You making jelly as you roll through the hookers. I'm crushing the, yeah. And this bear was just buffuddled, just stood there, looked like forest gump with a Chinese dildo up his ass. Now a mountain lion on the other hand. Can I share something with you? This is involved in other chat, too. Well, no, the mountain lion. What the fuck is that? He... Did you glue those on? What the fuck is wrong with the mountain lion? Scrapes. He digs in with his claws. What is wrong with you? Can a guy have adventure stories in nature? Yeah, that those that make up artists whoever did that, but they're like from the Twilight Zone, same person. [37:02] St. Persons. That alien's head. same person. Same person. That alien's head. It fell off. Hey, you're healing by the power of Jesus. Oh God. You're healing. Yeah. But here's where I talked to you earlier about learning Mandarin. Here's the difference between the evolution of nature, mammals, critters, and human beings. Cut to about eight years ago, the McKenzie River, and there's white water like you wouldn't believe. Little Vietnamese boy, his name Kimmy Long Wow. Freckles on his face, unbelievable. Tips, okay. Bears, wild cats, they just scratch. The ingenuity, the intelligence of a human. I jump in, grab little Kimmy Long Wow. [38:03] He starts scratching me me can I show you something look at this this kid scratched the shit out of me and even in a panic state I had to learn mandarin This is towards the night before Christmas. Well... She's a big man. Unbelievable. What was his name again? Little Kimmy Long Wow. He had freckles on his face. It looked like Dolly Parton serving Apple Cobbler if you join them. He is Vietnamese. Vietnamese boy. Well, why would a Vietnamese kid have freckles? That seems uncommon. That's what was so weird. That's how he stood out amongst all the other boys. A child of an American GI. I don't know, but just unbelievable kid. To see a little Vietnamese boy with freckles, [39:03] you don't get that. How many American, like that was always a thing, like those Chuck Norris action movies, remember? Like missing an action. There was always about guys that were still stuck over there and we had to go get them. Nobody kind of forgot about that. Are those the guys that inspired you, like Norris? Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah, Bruce Lee. Like when you were a kid, did you sneak into the movies? I went to the movies and then there was on television too when I was a kid. The first Bruce Lee movie I ever saw was on television. Yeah. You couldn't believe it. I was like, look at that. That's insane. How's he doing that? But like those missing in action movies was all about missing POWs. And then we always use a talk, that was always a thing that like the POWs from Vietnam got left behind. Yeah. And like, you know, Chuck and Ars can go back and get them and set them free. And yeah. How many POWs got left behind in Vietnam? Because that's a, that's a fucking real thing man. Now it was a bullshit war, [40:00] but people went over there and they left them there. John McCain, remember him? The Paul He was a prisoner for years. His shoulders were all fucked up. Yeah, he couldn't put his arms down. Like he was, I remember I went on a roller coaster with him once and at the end of it, I was like, Guy, it's done and he was still. That's how crazy Trump is. Trump made a fun of him getting caught. Yeah. No, he, That's how crazy Trump is. Trump made a fun of him getting caught. Yeah. No, he, Trump said, well, I like guys that didn't get caught. Yeah, whatever. Yeah. Are you saying it? Yeah. Like you were gonna run away. You would run away. Would you be? Yeah. If you're his enemy, he doesn't give a fuck. He'll say anything. You're skewered. You're skewered. Even if it doesn't make any sense, they'll say like, what? Guys, you don't get caught. What? Yeah. How can you fucking say that about a war hero? It's like Jesus Christ. That's true. It's wild. Crazy, but he's my enemy. Fuck him. No, no holes barbed battle mode. [41:00] How many American soldiers got left behind? Get down. I was trying to find out. And this is by the way, they're not gonna tell you the real number, right? They're not? No, they didn't tell you why we're going into the war in the first place. I'm sure that even the death count was probably disputed. Who knows? Have you ever romanticized being in combat like that? Even though it's the death zone. Have you ever like, because you're a hunter, you're skilled with the rifle. Have you ever sort of imaginary, like immersed yourself into a Vietnamese battle scene? No, nor could I imagine those guys who got conscripted. They got drafted. So you didn't even want to do it. Maybe you just wanted to build cars. Maybe you wanted to be a painter. Now I'll say, and you're over there with a rifle and you're in the dark, in the jungle. But does the hunter side of you go in there and imagine like you could excel in that environment? No, the hunter is a totally different experience. [42:01] The hunting side of me is like dipping my toe into the natural world, like getting my food the hard way. That's the hunter in me is going out and finding food and interacting with nature. But the, the Elk are not my enemy. I love them. Right, but is there a thrill to the kill though? There has to be a moment of sort of adrenaline and jubilation when you man conquer's beast. Does that exist? The thrill is that you pulled off a difficult thing. It's very hard to do. And it's very hard to make a shot with a bow and arrow on an animal. It's far in a lethal shot. And to be able to do it consistently. To do it every time you hunt, to be able to make a lethal shot and I'm talking about it like 50 yards 60 yards. Oh wow. Do you strictly use bone arrow? Yes. Oh, I didn't know that I thought you Shoot with rifles. I killed a pig last year with a rifle. Wow with the farmer sausage. It was a wild one. Oh Big pretty big 200 pounds Texas. No, this was in California. And so I ate him just the other day. What she said? [43:07] That was a boy. It's a boy pig. No, I said what she's sag. I know what you're saying California is that a joke an actor joke? Yeah, I got you I got you. What was I saying though? What was I on about? Well, you were talking about the hunting versus the. War to me is insane. I don't know what I mean. I don't want to have nothing to do with that. I wouldn't really know. There's no little piece of you that you're in the dark jungle. I'm someone's boy, that's someone's baby boy. I don't think of it even as a man. That's someone's baby boy that I don't know. That guy has parents and they really love him and he probably has a wife and she loves him and he probably has friends and they love him. And they just said that. And then some fucking politician is telling me that that guy's my enemy. I bet that guy and I, if we could speak the language we'd have a beer together and have a good time. What a great answer. He probably doesn't want to have anything to do with killing me and I don't want to have anything both being suckered into this thing by a bunch of assholes who are just making money. I love that answer, Joe. [44:05] If I could fly over this table and hug you, I would. We hug a lot. But it reminds me of a movie. Did you ever see this old movie with Lee Marvin? And I can't remember the other actor. He was a Japanese actor. But this was a movie I think in the 60s, where they're both in the war the Japanese pilot and Lee Marvin they both crashed on a remote island Supreme enemies and they only had each other and a box of socky somehow got stranded on the island and they became the best friends In the world and I think if everyone looked through that prism in life They would forget about all the war and the violence. When you realize someone else is exactly like you. Exactly. And that you need someone else. And they have the same fears, desires, passions, and wants as you. It's such a beautiful movie, you know. It's where all the freaking same, [45:00] whenever you get into an altercation with someone, you feel disliked towards someone, you should always just pitch yourself, trapped on an island with that person and go, you know what, if I were alone with them, I would love them, they'd be my best friend. You'd figure it out. It's a mental thing. If everyone kind of adopted that mentality, I think we'd, things would be nice. Things could be a lot better. We're just, we're divided by so many things in this world. We're divided by politics. We're doing, you hear like Robert De Niro screaming in front of people about Trump like, horrible. What are you doing? Like what is this? Like this is like silly behavior. All this is so silly. Not only that, labeling them, calling them clowns and denigrating them, saying, you're less than me because I like this and you like that. It's all insane Do you remember that there was a beautiful experiment done by Jane Elliott in the 1960s Where she took a classroom of children and she said all the children with brown eyes raise your hands and all the children with blue eyes [46:01] Raise your hands and she separated them and She she you can find it on YouTube. She told all the blue eyed children that they were beautiful, they were smarter, they were more superior than the brown eyed children. And she conducted this experiment for a week and over the course of the days, the blue eyed children started denigrating and looking down on the brown-eyed children and acting superior. And then halfway through the experiment, Jane Elliott goes, oh, I made a mistake. It's the brown-eyed children that are more superior. And so the whole thing shifted. And all the children in that class got to feel what it was like to be put down to, you know, have racism towards them. It was a fascinating experiment. It's on YouTube if you ever want to watch it. It's mesmerizing. It's an interesting experience, but like what the fuck lady, you're playing tricks on kids? [47:03] Well, I think she was trying to dump she should get your Demonstration, but you're also tricking these kids in the Thinking that way. Well, I think she was setting the table for them in life saying, Hey, maybe don't think you're better than Anyone were all the same and don't let people tell you you're Better than everyone. And and it was also a social experiment That was documented too. So there was a, would you let your kid do that? Do that kind of experiment? Yeah, if they didn't know. Would you let him sign up for that? Yeah. And talk shit to the blue eyed kids. You know what, I'd let my kid do it. I hope I would've told my kid a long time ago that that would be nonsense and that they wouldn't believe that. Right, I would teach my kid that, but it's one thing to tell a kid something, and then to let something play out in the real world is it's a different thing. People, humans have a tendency to get caught up in the fever of things, you know? Like COVID. Like COVID, like politics. [48:00] Like politics. Like all of this stuff, yeah, people. Anytime there's any sort of international conflict Yeah, I'll sign in Israel got Ukraine and Russia you have a sect of people that sort of know what's what and then you have a Large sect of people that just get caught up in the furor of it and it's it's scary to see how quickly people are absorbed by it and and caught up in it. It's frightening. Well, you've never been to a protest? No. Protest feel like a mob. It feels dangerous. When there's a bunch of people walk around even if it's peaceful, and they're cheering, especially if they're cheering about something that happened that was violent, and they're angry, and they're demanding something, and they're all marching. It's like you, I think that ignites in human beings the same feelings of war. Yeah. This is my cough button, still busted, Jamie, do you swap that out? You okay? It's gonna be a pain to ask the swap that. We had a cough button. [49:02] I don't think that's working there yet. Should I try? No, no, it's just a flam. Well, I'm good to go. I don't need celery. Please, for no thank you. Why? I don't have any tapeworms and I don't enjoy celery. We're kidding, you're excited with peanut butter. Do you have any peanut butter? I don't know. Hahaha. This motherfucker might have peanut butter. How about a cauliflower? That's not the same thing. Well, it's got the same letters in it. No, no, no. It doesn't have all of them. It's missing the bee. I thought you like cauliflower. No. Well, now what am I gonna do? Just put it down. Well, what were we just talking about before that? You okay guy. Yeah, I just got this lemon thing. Oh, maybe you've got a lemon Maybe Oh, I like that Imagine what they can smell you ever do that noise when you're making love no [50:01] Why not what the fuck are you doing dude? It his primal women love it should get up and leave no I'm here as an experiment from me to you I want you to try that normal noises next time you're making love not to get into your purse I respect yours personal space but doggy style right by her ear Carl just started barking. Listen to Carl. Listen to Carl. Wow. Have you ever seen Carl do that? It's Carl I've done that before. So a few noises in here. I've been walking up by his. Wow. He's fired up. That is crazy. Look, he really believes. I have a calling dogs, is that thing? Yeah. I'd have a really good career in called dogs. What's your your growl? What's your growl? What's your growl? What's your growl? What's your growl? What's your growl? What's your growl? [51:01] What's your growl? Oh Dude you gotta call believes it you gotta try that with your wife Sorry Carl oh god, he thinks he's walked into a wolf pack Yeah, he's like someone's gonna eat me. This is bullshit. These guys have been pretending to be my friends I've been let me bite their fingers the whole time they're setting me up dude. I'm telling you try caro try that with the wife Okay, we got it Poor Carl Poor doodle Carl poor Carl. He's like what the fuck that's a good good noise Thank you Where'd you where'd you acquire that skill because I learned it when we had I went out of puppy I would I would try to I like to communicate to animals in their own language if you can right do you have dogs? Yeah, do you just talk to him you don't do that hardly ever barks He very very very rarely barks hill bark if he has to go outside like if he has diarrhea [52:01] He'll bark like right you're by the door and go, oh fuck, Chad help me out. Whoa. Or he'll bark if he sees something. He used to, what he used to bark. Carl's done, huh? Wow, he's terrifying. He's time. No, he wants to bite us, man. Ooh, blue gangster. He'll, you remember those inflatable snowmen that people would have on their front lawn yeah around Christmas time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he barks at those What your dog why? He thinks it's a thing he like like what's it tell me there's a big animal there. He's like letting me know Yeah, he's like dad What the fuck is that dad? It's a Yeti like one of those a vulnerable snowman. I bet he thinks it's a bear I bet it's just like I bet in a dog's mind There's a shape that is two arms that stands up big and you go bark Yeah, yeah, and I got to go do that. It's just that's a snowman. Don't worry about it I love it that your dog has a diarrhea bark. He has a I got to go out now bark, but you said diarrhea Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, same thing [53:01] It's basically hey I got it Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's basically, hey! I got the ride! Hey! Let's go to Taco Bell. I got a funny video that I'll send to Jamie and then we'll watch it because it was him last night. Because last night he hadn't gone out in like four hours and there was thunderstorms outside. And when there's thunderstorms outside, he fucking freaks out. He freaks out like I can't watch TV with him when when there's Thunderstorms he just like yeah when we watch TV together. Yeah, we we sit on the couch and we cuddle So I sit like this and he like puts his head like on my lap. What kind of dog is a golden retriever? Oh yeah Sweetest dog of all time. Yeah, perfect. Sometimes I don't even hear it, you know, because I'm watching the movie, but all of a sudden, who just runs, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, Last night, he had a pee. I'm like, I know you have to pee. [54:06] It's like midnight. Come on, bro. Look at this. He kept jumping at me. He kept jumping at me. Look at him. He's so potted. This is all just because of the lightning. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, I should have passed the bus. He's shining I He's jumping happy He's just all he does is just jump at me But normally he'd just go out and pee 100% The lighting was literally never does this wow, but he's wagon his tail He loves it. I mean he's excited right? He's does tails not between his legs But he's just freaked out. Maybe he's got the diarrhea, but he's afraid to start so he doesn't get electrocuted Yeah, wow [55:02] Come on go potty Marshall please go potty He wouldn't pee I had to bring him back in the house. He just wouldn't not pee He just was just wanted to jump up and just freaked out He wanted to make sure that I was okay Like I'm with him you're okay like he wants to be on top of you when the lightning's happening weird Yeah, he's just like who are we okay? I'm like, we're okay. Like, as long as I'm okay, he thinks it's okay. He's like, we gotta get the fuck outta here. Like, his instincts are like, we're not supposed to be out in the open. This is dangerous. Wait, how old is he? Seven. Oh, so you'd years ago and he'd never really saw lightning. Like very rarely do you see lightning in California. Yeah, you're right. And we're here thunder. Yeah, you're very very very rarely do you have those kind of crazy storms that you're out here. The storms they have out here are fucking wild. Yeah. [56:04] Some guy posted a video yesterday, Jimmy, on Instagram of his car getting destroyed by Hale in Texas. Like some insane, like four inch Hale chunks. You see his windshield shattering, his back windshield, windshield got blown out while he's driving. He's like, this is insane. He's watching his car just get destroyed. It's rocks, just rocks dropping out of the sky. Yeah, sometimes I think they actually puncture right through the roof, like through the metal. Oh yeah, you gotta think of how far, if you've got a four inch chunk of ice that's hurling from space, like it's basically in the clouds. Look at that. Oh wow. What the fuck dude? That looks like Jeff Kennedy's car. He had a convertible. Oh yeah. He broke windows. Wow. Yeah. Fucks these cars up. Whoa he's fingering it. I got it's, I wonder how many people get killed by Hale every year. There's a good question. Looks like they got a kill. What What kills more staff or hail? I don't know, but I know they say about, uh, I [57:07] Think they say 12 to 30 people a year. This is for real yet killed by a falling coconut 150 Well, or 150 people a year 150. Yeah. Yeah, I've gone up We were talking about like things that kill people, but they like inflate numbers. Like marijuana kills zero. Coconut's falling on people's health. That's kill 150 people. We're not outlawing coconuts. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Can you imagine getting killed by a coconut? It was suck. What a way to go. It's not good. It's not a good way to go. Especially if you're like person yeah everything's going great like if Steve Jobs had gotten killed by a coconut or is a little I'm not asking you know I must have killed by a coconut yeah you would know what believe it like yeah I made that coconut yeah yeah yeah while dangerous according to the N O A A oh since 2000 only four people have been killed by hail wow oh. Oh, wow. How many people could you kill every year by lightning? [58:06] Let's guess. Okay. 60. I'll say. I don't know why I said 60. 200. 200. Worldwide? Globally. Globally. Yeah, you're probably right. 20 in the US. 20 in the US. Wow. Every year. So what does a globally? Got a figure that Chinese are getting picked off by because they got billion, right? You got the odds are and they have skyscrapers the living skyscrapers. I'm just kidding long. Why was gonna get it? 24,000 wow 24,000 a year. Yeah killed by lightning. Well, we were both way off. Wow Whoa, it was a lot less than I thought would be in America. Yeah. 60 is what I thought in America. Wow. Have you ever been hit by lightning? No, but my friend Remi has. Remi, did he live? Yeah, he lived. He was here on the podcast a couple days ago. Oh, [59:00] shit. He got hit by lightning. I think when he was in high school I think it made him deaf for a little bit. I really fucked him up. Wow Yeah, he didn't realize what happened. He just woke up on the ground and That a piece of together that he got hit by lightning Yeah, electronic charge going through the air Unbelievable. Have you seen what's going on right now in? Where is it where there's these, is it Uruguay? Where is it where there's insane lightning storms that are coming out of that volcano? Oh yeah, I saw that. It's a different kind of lightning. So it's the particles, the charged particles that are being released by the lava ignites with the air somehow, we'll get to that. Yeah released by the lava ignites with the air somehow will get the smoke. It's a different kind of light. The steam that the particles get caught in the steam, the translucent. And it makes these insane lightening shows. Like look at this. Yeah. Indonesia. Yeah. But it's been going on like a lot lately. [1:00:03] Like even during the day, there's a lot of films on TikTok and Instagram and stuff about it. Bro, that is so bonkers. That mean if you were alive 5,000 years ago and you saw that, you're like, oh, Satan, that's where Satan lives. Satan's back. Fuck, he's back. Dude, I got news everybody. We're fucked man. Satan's back. Look, look at the mountain Satan landed on the top of the mountain. He's there with lightning and shit like you You saw this You'd be like okay, that's where Satan is Well 100% you would think yeah, that's where Thor is. Yeah, that's where the God of thunder is That's where the bells above live. Yeah, look at that what you would 100% Sauron lives up there Well, you know I have sauron people don't know that lightning comes up out of the ground, too Did you know that Joe doesn't really yeah lightning comes people just think all lightning comes from and I'm not talking of Alcano I'm talking regular time so you could get it right up there If you're in the wrong spot you could get a bolt up your arse [1:01:01] But for real he imagined you could just your nuts blasted by lightning. Ford to me, tree. How bad would that suck? Just be walking along in the field, going, wow, what a beautiful night. Bang. From the ground. Yeah, that's true. Right to your sack. Yeah, do you have any pitches of that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-j. Out to your head. J-j-j. Three your balls out to your head. Yeah. J-j-j-j. Just cooked. Cooked. Cooked. Never be the same again. Cooked. What was that noise you did at the end now? That's the nuts. Like, you've got to think the electricity's going through the ground in your nuts and like out the top of your head Just imagine your whole body like captured by this lightning It would be like stepping on a land mine, but you didn't blow up you just it just can look at that Oh, you're not out of the ground lightning trailing from ground to clouds in slow motion. Now while [1:02:05] That's insane. It's like an etchous sketch People don't really know these things and that's why it's important you have me on the show I'm really glad twice a month type of deal. I'm really glad you're here for this Yeah, how cool that looks in slow motion. That's what's really happening. Fuck it. Look at that right out of the ground That's as big as any lightning strike you'll see coming out of the sky. God damn, that's amazing. Yeah, that looks a lot like the metri I gotta say. Oh, little branches. And this is all in slow motion. Look how quick those little branches flicker off in the corners in the size. That looks a lot like the metri's ultrasound by the way. I bet. Yeah. Just so we're clear. Lightning is fucking cool. That's one of the interesting things about living years. We have these lightning storms. You get to watch lightning. Yeah. Florida. I think it's one of the most lightning, lightning active places on the planet. Oh yeah. Yeah. Florida. Florida's like, this is light curve. [1:03:01] Hurricane season there. Yeah. Like if you're planning to trip to Florida now, like, hey, you know, check that weather. Yeah, but it can be stunningly beautiful though. I've been in scenarios where I've been in Florida at night and you got celery juice on me. And you look out like two, three miles out and there will be active storms going on in the cumulus, right? The degenerative molecular charged transphyxiation particles are lighting up the clouds, and it's like you're at a Judas Priest concert covered in mayonnaise. You got another thing, guys. Yeah, just a ch... And it's like all over. Do you believe in the matrix? I don't disbelieve in it because if you ever want to have it, I've got this chemically reversed, inverse magnet, magnetron camera. And one of the things we associate with the matrix is what? [1:04:00] The numbers coming down in green. So if you can take a picture, think of it. Where does that exist in reality? But if you can go out on a stormy night like that, rain coming down with your magnetized nitronic reverse camera and take a picture while lightnings flashing, think of it. It's matrix. What are what are rain drops? Water. Right. But not when you take them with an infrared matronica camera. What are they then? You'll see numbers in the you can see it. Yeah. Interesting. If you believe in that stuff. Well, person got to believe in something. Do you believe in it? What? The matrix. I don't disbelieve in it. You know, I can tell you that you've experienced it in real time. How can you do that? A little term, Joe Rogan called deja vu. Mm. Have you ever experienced deja vu? Yes. So think of it. How can you be in a place that you've never been before? [1:05:03] You're standing somewhere foreign, somewhere new, and all of a sudden your brain computes that you've been in this exact moment and it's undeniable, right? How is that happening? What's not really undeniable? Well, it is undeniable because you're in it, right? It's probably a glitch in how you interface with reality. Therefore, glitch in the matrix. Well, it's probably how your brain's firing. Your brain has just like, brain is essentially just like a computer in a way. There's a lot of calculations that are going on. So I'm not telling you so you'll have sensors that are being considered different senses or affecting the way you view the world. And I think it's very possible They you get to have a situation where things just get a little wonky for a second and you think have I Done this before have I done it before but how are you or? You have done it before and [1:06:02] Every time you do this you try to do it better and You live the same life over and over and over again until you get it right. A lot of people believe that. That's a good theory. It plays into what I'm going for here. Yeah. I had a moment in time where I had deja vu. I'm not going to say where and when because I don't want anyone to interfere with it. But I've never told anyone this before. I had a place in time where I was walking, I was going under a bridge, a pigeon flew out, okay? A child was laughing in the background, like a child, like he, you know, like a giggle, a playground giggle, and a red car went by, you know, like a giggle, a playground giggle, and a red car went by and I was like, I've been here before, a place I'd never been. So I documented the experience, the time, the place, and I've gone back to that same place [1:07:08] for nine years to the exact same place at the same time. Check this out. Red car goes by, bird flies out, pigeon, kid laughing in the background. But this year something different happened that I'd never seen a feather fell off the bird when it flew out. So check flew out. So check this out. You see the feather? Don't get ahead of me. So the matrix must be real. Well hold on, I got this exam and I have a lot of friends in the science community. I know a bunch of Scientologists, and I had them analyze this. Pigeon flew out here. I'm good. This is a feather from a great ock. Do you know what that is? It's an extinct species of bird from South America. [1:08:03] Hmm, please. That's okay, just's put it down. Well, I think you'd like to touch it. Nope. I'm good. So how does an extinct species of bird drop a feather from a common pigeon? Who knows, man. That's it? That's the animal. Looks like that animal did really have feathers. It did, believe me, and I'm holding one right here. What extinct 350 years ago? Is that what it was? Matrix. Oh, when from healthy to extinct in 350 years, they probably taste delicious. They're probably stupid and they taste delicious. That's what happens. The great ock. Little cutie. Can that thing even fly? No, it sounds like a bullshit story if the How's that feather get there? Well, this is what I'm saying. This thing lives near the ocean the matrix You just found a feather that made someone drop it floated off of the pigeon that for nine years [1:09:00] Maybe not maybe it just was near where the pigeon was and it was flying through the air because someone had an Ock like taxidermy in the apartment building and that feather just kept drifting in the way and just Coincidentally as the pigeon was passing that feather was making its way I like my god look would fell off the pigeon an ancient extinct Ock feather but meanwhile was just someone was in an apartment building with taxidermy of the arc, and they had the window open, the fan on. Two Shay. You never know. Could be magic though. Could be. I like what I'm hearing. Did you think this is the matrix? Like if this is a simulation, what does it say about your choice? I'd like how you've chosen to exist in the simulation. I don't know that we have a choice. You don't think so? Well, the matrix is numbers, it's mathematical, so do we really have a choice? Did we have a choice that we were conceived? Did we have a choice that are? We don't think we did, right? Maybe we do. Or maybe it's inevitable. You know, maybe there's just this mathematical cycle [1:10:03] of atoms and protons and molecules interacting with each other. And just this is the way it's always going to go. It's going to go this way the same way over and over and over again. And the only thing different is that you get to learn from your past mistakes, at least some way in the essence of your being, and do a better job of existing this next go around. I don't know that we have and do a better job of existing this next go around. I don't know that we have to do a better job. I don't think we have a choice. I think evolution just takes us. We're just hanging on to bear's tapeworms at this point. You know? Yeah, but if you live the same life over and over and over again, you're gonna go through the same nature interaction over and over again. It's not gonna be like a differently evolved world. You're gonna live the same thing over and over again. I give you thought about it, like you and I. How old do you? Wow. I'm 56, how old are you? 61. Are you really? Yeah, for real? Yeah. You look really good. [1:11:00] Thank you. You do, you look really good. Except the scars. You look really good. Except the scars. You're a little beat up. I've been rolled by a grouse. We have gone through one of the weirdest lives. You know, and if the simulation is real, and if you wanted, if the simulation wanted you to go through the most profound changes that human beings have ever experienced in the time of their life, just in how people interface with the world. You and I have done that. We exist. We were born in a time where there was no internet and you got your news from television and everybody had a sort of a limited understanding of the world. You could bullshit your way through most things because nobody could Google you. Nobody could get a book on you. You couldn't just run to the library and find out if Mike was telling the truth about his war stories. You had to just build up the people. Yeah, the microfiche things. Everything was possible. The world was a different place. You know, then there's answering machines and cell phones and then the internet comes along and now we're living in a fucking insane world [1:12:01] where AI's about to take over. Like if you were gonna pick a timeline to go through, if it wasn't real, and you wanted the most profound adventure, you've chosen that. Yeah. You've chosen the most profound changes that people will experience in a relatively safe timeline, relatively safe in comparison to like the Genghis Khan days or the days of the Roman Empire, like this relatively safe in comparison to like the Ginghis Khan days or the, you know, the days of the Roman Empire, like just relatively safe in comparison. But profound changes for this moment. Yeah. And we're accelerating so rapidly, Joe, that things are going to be at a whole nother level quickly where we're going to be looking in the rear view mirror and going, oh, yeah, AI. Remember that? Yeah. There's gonna be something that takes us to the next level. And then another level after that, we are gonna transcend so far that I don't even know what humans and humanity looks like in a thousand years, if not less. [1:13:01] Oh, not, I don't think it's even 50 years. Yeah. That's what's crazy. You and I are living through the weirdest time ever. Yeah, because it started like we kind of had in high school for us. It was the Texas Instrument calculator. Yep. Was the mind blower. Yep. Then we got a facts machine like 15 years later insane. And then we got the the laptop, the home computer and then the internet and that was again like a decade in between and cut to smartphones and it's been about what 15 years with them now. Yeah. Now AI and it's just like everything's happening exponentially quicker. I remember I was on news radio with Dave Foley in the 90s. Dave Foley's a big computer internet technology. He loves that stuff. Yeah. And at the time he was the first person I ever met who had a laptop. Okay. So he had a laptop back then was one of those Mac laptops, the black plastic ones back in the day. [1:14:02] And he had this app running in the background where it gave him constant news. He's like, look, if I keep it connected to the internet, it constantly gives me news. Yeah. And I was like, whoa, you get your news from the internet? This is crazy. So it's like all the news stories of world events. And so when I look back now and how we're just inundated, like constantly inundated with like world conflict stories, world events, world problems, world environmental crisis, world starvation, world floods, like world volcanoes with lightning, like oh, it's gonna never fucking, I remember that moment, that very moment when I was looking at Dave's laptop and I was like, wow. The internet just gonna feed you the news in real time. You don't have to tune into the news, you don't have to go buy a newspaper. This was like this profound moment for me where I still looked back at that day and I thought that was the first time I ever saw like a baby, a baby supercomputer. [1:15:02] Oh, look at the baby, the baby. The news. And ironically, you're on a show called news radio. Crazy. Very wrong. Very, very. Very, very. Yeah. Yeah, I'm excited to see where, where it goes. Cause I think the next, the next evolution of this could be tractor beams. It could be particle movers. It could be, you know, as ridiculous as it sounds, the transporter beam on Star Trek. I feel like, you know, maybe 50 years, maybe a hundred years, people are gonna look back and go, wait, you went to a place called an airport? You got on a tube and flew 18 hours to Australia. Like, I think we're gonna be at a place one day where maybe they can rearrange our molecules and particles and be must. I feel like if we can imagine it, it's gonna happen. Yeah, I bet it's gonna happen. I mean, cause think of it. It was funny that Star Trek figured that out, but they didn't figure out computers, [1:16:01] and they didn't figure out cell phones. They had walkie talkies, remember? Well, they had the communicators. Over. Yeah, but it was a walkie talkies. It wasn't. It wasn't. Got diarrhea, something, some pepto, bismolimadie play. But it wasn't, you couldn't both talk. Like if you and I were on a phone call, you would miss up Harlan, hey, what's up, Are you over yeah, and there was no video component yet those idiots in you now face down Don they got to get back to the future. They didn't have nothing dumb asses Yeah, remember that yeah, that's it twirly thing you look at that I should trip like kaleidoscope and who knows what those buttons we have yeah, it doesn't even label I actually think I think I'm the beach. I think it's an electric razor if you ask me I think it's straight bullshit. Yeah, I think it's a garage door opener I like how it had to flip close though. I just love that about old phones when you can hang up Oh, I love that Shut the fuck off you Yeah, like those razor phone Grudge door. I remember I had one of those razor phones. I thought I was James Bond [1:17:02] Yeah, you could express yourself with them but now the razor phone was the shit. Yeah, what did that one do? It was just this thin little beautiful piece of metal. And it didn't, it had a terrible battery life, unfortunately. Because most phones had insane battery life back then. You could phone would last for days. Right. You know, because like the phones now, they just have so much electronics and this beautiful screen and high resolution is doing things, you're playing games on it and you're taking pictures, you're battery, but still, you're battery's good for like a day. That was this shit. I had one of those, I thought I was in space. Well, I also liked the little side saddle. Did you have the holster on your belt? I tried that, I couldn't do it. I felt like such a dork. And it's coming from a guy where's a fanny back? Yeah, right. And you like to play with guns, you have guns. I don't play with guns, sir. But this phone right here for me was the fucking shit. I could never imagine seeing somebody with one of those today. [1:18:00] I would be like, what are you doing with that thing? But aren't they bringing them back? Dev at everyone. But the new one is like a new phone. It's like a modern phone. The new one folds. Yeah, I got that. But it has like apps. It's essentially a regular phone. Yeah. But it does close and it's real slim. Like look, it looks pretty similar. Oh, I think you might open it up. Would you do it? I thought about switching to Android just because I don't like being trapped in the Apple ecosystem. I don't like the idea of it but Google does a lot of like really shady stuff with with there's there's different things they do that I don't like and one of the things they do is, like if you look at, what was their most recent declaration, they were talking about censoring things in a time of social problems. Remember that, Jamie? They would reserve the right to censor information [1:19:01] under certain circumstances. Some of the Google ads though, didn't it? It had something to do with Google ads, yeah. There's things that I don't like in terms of search results, curation, because that's the thing that Google does, that Robert Epstein has been working on for a long time, like showing that when you, like say, if you Google a presidential candidate, right? If you Google a candidate that's Democrat you'll get You know especially someone who they want to win you'll get like a lot of positive stories that come up first And you have to go deep if you want to find something about corruption or accusations or anything like that Yeah, but if you do Google or a public in it'll go right to that now I'm not saying this is just an example. I'm not saying you could find that. But his research shows this and I'm doing a bad job of paraphrasing it because they don't remember exactly what it said. But essentially his claim was that in curating search results, you can have an impact on elections. In curating search results and putting positive things for the people that you want to be elected in the prominence of the search result. [1:20:06] If it's not an organic search result, if you actually are curating it, you can affect the way people feel about candidate and that will affect the election results. Okay. And so that's an issue, that's Google. Yeah, yeah. So I have an issue with that and Google is answering. I agree, I hate that. But I also have an issue with the Apple Waldgarden. And I think there's a lawsuit going on right now about that, whether we're trying to get people to, you know, because of eye message and, you know, FaceTime and all this stuff, doesn't work on other phones. Oh, right, right, right. FaceTime does sort of, but you have to take a few steps and that's a new thing. A new thing is like if you FaceTime someone on an Android phone, they have to take a few steps to do it. Okay. I wonder how that works. I've never tried that. Have you ever tried that? I haven't tried it. Let's try it right now. Okay. FaceTime Brian Simpson. Okay. FaceTime Brian Simpson. I'm in a FaceTime OJ Simpson. Yeah, it gives you like a What's that? It thought it thought we're really asking [1:21:08] I should reach out to them Is it it didn't give me a link to send where's the link? I think it's up on the top like with the other buttons are no pull off so I didn't work So I have to how do I do it if I want to send him a text? Face time Brian Simpson face time OJ Simpson How do I do it if I want to send him a text? FaceTime Brian Simpson. FaceTime O.J. Simpson. Okay, send. What the fuck, you piece of shit? Oh, wow. What's this? It hurts rent a car. Hold on, be quiet for a second. Well, shut the fuck up. Well, FaceTime Brian Simpson. Okay. All right, I said join my FaceTime Brian Simpson Okay, all right. It said join my FaceTime all right. I sent it to him. Let's see if it works So let's see what he has to do who's Brian Simpson. He's a hilarious stand-up comedian That is performing tonight the comedy mother ship. Oh also he [1:22:01] Just released a special on Netflix. That's amazing. Wow. That he filmed at the mothership. So it says invite scent. We should call him and tell him what's going on. Who Brian? Yeah. Okay, this is just holding me up here. It's not done. Call Brian Simpson. All right, here we go. Hello. Hey, brothers, Joe. I'm on a podcast right now. You're live on the podcast with Harlem Williams. We were talking about how Apple keeps people from being able to use certain features like I message and FaceTime and I was saying that you can FaceTime someone that has an Android phone but there's a bunch of steps they have to take. I don't know how to do it. So we're trying to figure out how to do it. I'm gonna FaceTime you right now, okay? All right, I'll FaceTime you in like two seconds. [1:23:01] Bye. Cool. FaceTime Brian Simpson. All right, I sent him, joined my FaceTime. Let's see how that works. So here it goes. We'll see how this feature works. Now, and I know all you Android doorks, I know that there's other shit that you could use to do this like WhatsApp. And I guess you could use Instagram, right? Don't people use Instagram for video calls? This is not so fluid. Yeah, if I wanted to FaceTime you, because you're a little Apple fanboy over there, you're a little bootlicker. Hell yeah, yeah. I could just FaceTime you. I'll let that do you part. And it would work instantly. See, he's got this invite. Yeah. This takes so long. Like it ruins the spontaneity about a fun FaceTime call. A fun FaceTime call you're at a concert. Dude, what's up? Look where we are. And ironically, his initials are BS because this is BS. This is bullshit. Yeah. This is like straight bullshit. Would you ever shoot your cell phone [1:24:02] like just to get your friends to like with a full high powered rifle? Yeah, we used to take them out to the range and shoot hard drives and cell phones. No, that's a good way to get rid of stuff Boom 300 wind mag at a hundred yards. Oh, it's amazing what it does to a cell phone. Oh Do you line it up in a scope? Of course. Yeah, I can't see that far. Wait, how far? Actually, 100 yards. Wow. Yeah. There's a video of it, I think, that didn't red band have a video? Yeah, we made a video. Yeah. Did you ever shot a machine gun? Yes. And? Elation? Um, it's kind of interesting. It's scary. It says I'm waiting to be let in. This piece is shit. Yeah, I forget it. I'm gonna tell him forget it. Yeah. What is it doing here? It says join. Is it working? Waiting for others. No, this is a more shit. It doesn't work. I'm telling forget it, bro. [1:25:03] So, bitch. See, but this is the thing that people are complaining about. Yeah. That it forces people to think you're a fool for having an Android phone. So you just go out and get an iPhone and iPhones have dominated the market because of that. Yeah. So, like, I think the numbers are with young kids, the numbers is like, it's something like 80-something percent of kids have iPhones. Yeah. So the kids that don't have iPhones, they get left out of iMessage group chats, they get taut shit too. Oh, you poor, you got an Android phone. Yeah, it's a class thing. It's a class thing. It's weird. It's a weird thing. I don't like it. What do you think the evolution of cell phones already? I think it's like neuro-length where we're just like, you know, we're thinking our communicative thoughts or what's your thought on that? Yeah, 100% or really? Yeah, that are awareable. Maybe something that like you wear and it touches your temples. [1:26:00] Right, because the concept that we're, we're back so as saying about flight Mm-hmm like wait you guys carried these boxes around and yeah, held them to your head Yeah, well, I mean just this alone was magic a hundred years ago if you brought this a hundred years back People would think you're the craziest wizard. Oh, yeah, I have the answers to all questions Yeah, oh my god people in 2024 must be so smart and they come to play to like a magic convention. Yeah. You see Robert DeNiro getting yelled at and look, he's doing a fucking press conference. He'll never leave. Like, what is this? What is he point? This is to I don't know, but this is people in 2024. Whereas if you gave this to people in 1924, they're like, there's no way everyone will have the world solved. Once they have these, oh my god, then they have all the information. And then people will know exactly what everybody looks like. There'll be no more catfish. Still chaos. Well, and now there's filters that you could use where I, from just a small snippet of your [1:27:01] conversation on this podcast, I think they need about 30 seconds, 30 seconds of your voice. And then I could pretend to be you, like just talk like this and the audience would see you with what you're wearing, the way your hair is, everything in your voice. So everything that I say, like me saying this right now, it would be you saying this right now. Your voice, your face, your body, everything looks like you, all through AI. Whoa. So there's no fucking way to know what anybody is saying that's not true. And then there's a big issue right now with celebrities, especially women, they're making porns with them. Oh, they're, they're, they're, they're, they just change. Super imposing like like, like, celebrities face on. Oh, they're they're they're they're they just changed super imposing like like Celebrities face swap with AI So this porn stars having sex with this person you face swap Natalie Portman or fucking Angelina Jolie and now you have a a real [1:28:05] Realistic looking sex tape of famous people getting fucked so I I could see Judge Judy plowing the pizza. Judge the boy just sucking cock like it's going out of style. Like the closing sale. Wow, imagine Judy Dent in a pool boys video. That's Judy Dent. Remember the British actress? I do not. M from what's her name? Dent. Judy Dent. Bench. Dent. the British actress. I do not. Am from what's her name? Judy, Dinch. Bench? Dinch? Oh, there she is. Imagine her in a pool boy. Oh, she was so hot. Oh, no. She was young. She's so pretty. No, I mean, now. But look at her, what's her name? She's so pretty. Imagine her rubbing chlorine all over a pool boy. Time is a ruthless bitch, isn't it she puts the net over his head. I'm trying not to imagine I'm trying to power through this She's 89 years old give the woman her do give her her respect son of a bitch. How about I give her a check for clean in the pool Wow getting stuck in the dryer Whoa, so looking for something I can pull me pull me I can't get out [1:29:01] Stuck in the dry is my favorite you've seen the dryer porns are my favorite because it's so ridiculous. You can get out of the dryer, like anyway, did you? I love it when they've told her. I was pretty big. When they pulled her head out and there's a cling-free sheet on their head. Yeah. They got a mouth full of lint. Looks like they've been blowing an elf. Yeah. I was stuck in here. Thank you for saving me. You know what, I tried the dryer sex once and I accidentally, I was so impassioned, I hit the tumble cycle. Oh wow. And so imagine being in your woman and she starts swirling around and you're holding on like a horse, a rodeo horse. It was some of the best sex I've ever had. Did you stay still while she spun? That would be the moon. She spun. I just held onto her muffin top. And we swirled around like, Did you get any concussions? She did. Yeah. Holy God. We're not banging around there. Oh, her head came out. She looked like this cauliflower. But I had one of the best orgasms I've ever had in my life. That's a one-time deal, right? It's hard to trick her into doing that again. [1:30:05] Well. I'm a women-like adventure. Yeah. What's the weirdest place you've ever done it? Your house. That was you? Wow. Thought I heard that dog growling under the bed. Errrr. Yeah, I was doing it under the bed. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr One time we got eaten up by mosquitoes, like our whole body, both of our bodies is covered in mosquitoes. So we're so retarded, we got naked in the woods in July in Massachusetts. Wow. Yeah, but you're fucking 17, you know what I'm doing? You're crazy. Wild kids. A lot in the woods? Yeah, well, there was always, [1:31:00] woods were always there. Now, there was a place when you were kids, you could just go to the woods, get out and just bring a tower or blanket or something. Just a lot of woods. Yeah, but the woods are scary, because anything in the woods is scary. Things in the woods become scary, even if they're not scary anywhere else. Like a baby, a naked baby in the woods, just staring at you. It's fucking terrifying. There's no other place where a naked baby is scary. Like if you walk it out of the street, you see a naked baby like, oh my god, whose baby is this? Does anybody know whose baby is it? He's a little guy, hold on. And then you'll call the police, pick up the baby, and the woods are like, we're gonna die! It's a fucking naked baby, just tear it at us. If it's hanging upside down from a red pine, tear it Red pine staring at you. That's pretty creepy. Yeah holding on by its feet. Yeah, a bag. Yeah, if you saw a baby in the woods Just staring at you fucking terrifying. Yeah any other place But baby so the woods are automatically scary. Yeah, it's you're scared that you're gonna get caught So that's exciting. Yeah, we're not gonna get caught. Don't worry. We're gonna go deep in the woods [1:32:01] What about the city though? You ever do it in a crazy place in the city? Not really you. Sewers? You ever go in the sewer? You ever go in a manhole? How a little farmhouse? In a ferris wheel once. Really? Yeah. Whoa. You were worried you were gonna be at the bottom and wouldn't be able to stop? Well that was cool. We would time it so that when we came down, it was like hands off and then we'd swirl. So it was like kind of this really fun sort of start and stop thing. And then one time I'm not kidding, the guy sort of recognized me and we were having the guy here, the carny who ran it, like when I got, oh dude, I love you, right? And so we were having so much fun, but we weren't finished. And so as he was letting everyone off, I said, just leave us on, just please, just go, okay, I got you. And we just like finished swirling. Yeah. Congratulations. Did you ever do it in the swirling teacups at Disney Land? Imagine if you did. [1:33:01] How? Boy, imagine throwing it up right when you come. I feel amazing. Because even though throwing up sucks, it feels amazing when you have to throw up and you finally do. It's purging. Oh, you know that feeling? Like last time I threw up was about a year ago and it was in the middle of the night. I got up and I was like, I feel like I'm going to fucking puke. Yeah. I just I didn't feel good going to bed and in the middle of the night I was like whoa and I woke up and I got Went into the bathroom to pee or throw up and I was like oh boy. They might both happen at the same time Oh, and I held the pee Yeah, just like yeah, and then I peed right over my throw up. I don't give a fuck dude. Wow. That's how wild wow I didn't even but much I just pissed on the throw up. I just left it. Yeah. Surf from turn. Just a little throw up. Did you do the thing when you barfed, like, right after you just curled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position and felt the cool tiles on your naked skin? Never done that. [1:34:00] Me either. I do lay down on the bathroom floor sometimes when I get out of the sauna though. Oh yeah. Cause this tile floor, like right when you get out of the sauna, it's 185 fucking degrees or whatever it is. Yeah. I like to lay down that cool. Can you do the ice soaking? Yeah, I'm gonna be inside my house. I'm inside my house. Oh yeah. I'm gonna be inside my house. I have one outside too. I'd love to come over later and sit in it with you. Yeah, we got one here too. We got one here. I'd rather do the one at your house, I think, then you can have dinner too. Okay, what do you want to sleep over? I want mine. I bet you do. Well, we're gonna work out in the morning. No. You can. You gonna gonna get the cold plunge? No. Come on. I'd sit nice cream. In a hot day, the cold plunge feels good for about five seconds. Yeah. Hot day, you get in there like, oh fuck. I jumped in Lake Superior once and it was one of those things. I probably stayed in about five minutes [1:35:01] and I've never experienced it, but when I got out for about 40 minutes after I was shaking, it was so cold. Here's a question. Lakes appear, massive lake. Used to have glacier, right? Yeah. Okay. Biggest of the Great Lakes. Most of North America, at one point in time, at least half of North America was covered by like a mile high sheet of ice. Okay. So you have this time period after the ice age where all that melts. How the fuck do the fish get in there? Yeah. How the fuck do those fish get in there? It's a mystery. That's a really good question. How those lake trout get in there in the middle of the country. Yeah. It's big ass giant lake trout. How the fuck did they get in there? What did they just evolve once the water melted? Yeah. Where there were their seeds of the fish, and the ice waiting to be melted? For real though. Yeah. That's all ice. Yeah. The fish ain't getting in there. How did they get in the middle of the lake? The lake is fucking huge. It's filled with fish. There is a possibility, it's an extreme one, but I'm trying to answer your question, [1:36:06] that a predatory bird, like an osprey or a gall or some kind of fish eating bird flies from the ocean, caught a fish in a local river or a nearby lake. But Jason, too. Where are those nearby lakes if the entire continent is covered in ice? Yeah. Well, have you ever been to a, like a farm or anything like that? And sometimes they have those water troughs that they leave out for the cows, but they've been abandoned. Or you come to a place where there's like a little puddle in a field or something. Right. And somehow there's fish in it. And there's there's there's no noots and there's aquatic creatures. And you go, how did they get here? How did a noot get up an aluminum bin and get down into this ecosystem that's evolved here? It's fascinating. [1:37:02] Your question kind of raises the questions for all of creation. It's, we can look at evolution, we can look at the dawn of time, but it's really, is it ever been answered? Not totally. I mean, they don't have an exact time by time, like day by day timeline. But do they have an answer to how fish got into the great legs? I can't believe I never asked that before. I never even thought of it before. This is a huge body of water of course there's fish in there but if the whole content was covered 10,000 years ago in ice what the fuck happened? Well you might have to say okay somewhere there was a tributary that came to be from the ocean. No, it would be from north. It would be from up north. Right, but where the fish come from from that? Hudson's Bay down into superior and the ocean fish. Maybe you probably swim upriver from the warm areas. Well, that's what salmon do. [1:38:00] Yeah, about they swim up area. That makes the most sense when they got in those lakes. So those lakes must be connected to rivers, right? Oh yeah, I have to have to be there. So they probably swim up into the lake and then evolve to become like these big lake creatures like lake trouts. Yeah. Cause lake trouts are fucking huge. Lake trouts can get huge. Oh man. Yeah. People ice fish them. Yeah. That's like a big way of it. They're fucking crazy looking. Yeah. So that thing, you don't really find them, I mean, in the southern areas, right? Those are in northern fish, aren't they? Lake trout? Yeah. They're sort of a deep water, really cold fish. And they don't necessarily have to be way up north. Right. So if they evolved, so these lakes and streams from the lower part of the country. Yeah. Right? So if you're talking about like New Mexico or something like that, what, some area that wasn't covered in ice, these things swim all the way up the river and then they evolve in this lake to become bigger and to become adapted to the cold, deep water. [1:39:00] Different species. Yeah. It's crazy. This is the mystery of crazy where we are. Yeah, and this is about sturgeon where they're like dinosaurs come from these things are what the thousand pounds or more huge monsters. They look like dinosaurs prehistoric. They look prehistoric. Have you ever seen that thing that's in the Amazon that has it has essentially bulletproof scales? Yeah, they're black. What is it called? I've seen papaya. Yeah, what's up, Jim? Well, just the way the fish got into Great Lakes is a way deeper store than I've uncovered so far, but the way Sam and got there, specifically in the 60s. People brought them there. Yeah, a guy had to bring them there. Mm, that makes sense. Fishing became very popular back then. So a lot of dead fish swimming on the shores for some reason I was trying to find out. But were there any fish in there before the salmon? That's the, there had to have been, that's why I was trying to ask you. Right. I've seen this image recently, like the depth of Lake Superior specific. [1:40:00] Holy shit, very deep. I've fished that like 333 feet. Fuck. So there could maybe have been something under there waiting for the ice to melt that came back up. There's a bunch of stuff saying what he said to was like fish eggs get dropped by other birds and end up in the water. I got to think the river has a lot to do with it. But that was it. So this is like you can't go up Niagara Falls. That's true. Right? Right. Good. Yeah. Good point, Jamie. That's a very good point. Right? How the fuck does it get past those? God damn it. Well, the mystery. Yeah, this is the thing. We've maybe cracked or uncovered one of the biggest mysteries in humankind. And no one's talking about it, buddy. Yeah. Isn't that incredible? Yeah, aren't you glad I showed up? I busted it out. Wow. We're the ones. We're the ones. Imagine tomorrow, like front page every newspaper, Harlan Williams and Joe Rogan pose serious question as to how fish got in the Great Lakes, and scientists are baffled. And they also are talking to us, coming to us like, how did you guys realize that fish had to get into the great lakes when the [1:41:05] great lakes used to be covered in a glacier. You guys are geniuses, untouched geniuses of nature. And then maybe when Trump gets in for a second term, he appoints us to some sort of a nature advisory board and we give we can be the master ecthologists. Yes. We can be the people telling everybody how to fix all these problems with animals and people and but see here's the other layer of this lasagna that we're not talking about. You're talking about Lake Trout. Right. How about the Lake Superior probably has 60, 70 different species of fish. I fish Lake Superior. I've got white fish. I've got Lake Trout. There's all kinds of fish in there. Right. How they get in there? By the way, I used to work on the shores of Lake Superior. And there's a plate, you'd like this, because I know you like bears and you like guns and you like, there's a, believe it or not, there's a place on the shores of Lake Superior called Nays Provincial Park, where it's such a desolate place that a World War II, they had a German Nazi prisoner [1:42:06] of war camp on the shores. Whoa. And the prisoners, it was so remote, no one could escape, because they would have gone into the Canadian wilderness, but the German soldiers captured somehow a black bear and trained it to box. They put boxing gloves on it, and the Nazi soldiers for entertainment purposes would box with this black bear. Jesus Christ. And they sunk a whole bunch of wartime vehicles in Lake Superior. Wow. How many bounties do you think were in Lake Superior? I don't know, but they might be preserved at so cold. That's what I'm thinking. If you went down. Yeah, if you dropped them all the way to the 1,300 feet, just as creepy skeleton with his 1970s jeans on. Well, he might not even be a skeleton. That's what I'm saying. It's so cold, he might still have flash and just be like your baby in the woods. Just like, hi, Joe. [1:43:01] Would you like a you like some cauliflower? Don't you think something would eat them? Maybe more lamprey eels. This thing's alive down there. Lamprey. You ever seen a lamprey? They're saltwater creature. No, fresh water. They're in Lake Ontario. Oh really? Yeah. I know they're cleaned the bottom of sharks a lot. They feed off of what they show. Those are remoras. Oh, that's right. Ramoras by the way. The lamprey similar to a lamprey is one of the more horrific it has a round it's like an eel with a round suction cup with circular like buzz saw teeth. It affixes itself on the fish and slowly sucks their interiors out. Jesus Christ look at what if that was in a movie you would say oh my god. Yeah. Glad that's not that's like doing right that's like the worm and doing there is a movie what's a call let me see that one where they do hold it again that's so crazy yeah the land crack fucking mouth man well what's what's amazing is it sucks your insides out and slowly each you alive so it pulls the skin apart and then just sucks out. No, it literally creates [1:44:06] a hole. Look at it biting that dude's hand. Yeah, it puts a hole in the fish and just stays a fix to the same spot and eats its insides out. They're older than dinosaurs. Yeah. Now they're in there in like in the great lakes. That's crazy. How the fuck did they get in there? So that's one attached to a fish? Yeah, that's on a lake trout right there. Can you show me that picture, the photo? Oh, so that's the hole where it was right there. No, that's it hanging. Invasive. Oh, those are the ones hanging. Yeah, and then see the hole. You can see a hole where one let go. And they just, they just Please consume the fish. Where are they from originally? It says it's an invasive species. I don't know, maybe the Amazon. Does it say? Wow. Right, right, but where are they from? It says it's invasive. It's a sea lamprey. Yeah. They're in the great legs. [1:45:01] The sea lamprey is invasive, and it can cause problems in the local ecosystems. It's a lot to do with its size. Sea rampant are big compared to native species. So it comes from the ocean somehow or another. And they can live in fresh water? That's crazy. Well, apparently the girl, I think her name is Maria Bell, was the first person to ever swim across Lake Ontario. And she had to swim through schools of those, apparently, when she swam across Lake Ontario and she had to swim through schools of those apparently when she swim across Lake Ontario. Oh my god, imagine those little fuckers grab a hole in your asshole? Yeah, they're the perfect, they almost got assholes suckers for mouths. Like they're perfect. I hate to see Demetri around one of those. So in the 19 fishes, the US and Canada teamed up for population control measures and they have worked several strategies including traps to capture adult lampries, lamprisks to, pressed to, lamprisksize, poison, target sea lamprey larvae and installing barriers or fut tactics to use. So for working, [1:46:01] what's this saying? That's a good thing. Left multiple IC lampries can significantly damage the region's $7 billion fishing industry. Oh, lampries. Creepy little fuckers. Yeah, and then the Ramora. Yeah, where that thing is. The Ramora has a suction cup on its head. So the top of its head is a suction cup. Look at that. And I was sexually assaulted in Florida. I had been eating a bacon sandwich and spilled some on my lap and went swimming and that thing sucked me for about an hour and a half. Look at that top of its head. Well, someone's not paying attention. I'm paying attention. Why does sexual assault and you glazed your joint over? I didn't believe you? Well, it's the last it too long. I can show you the suck my like 30 seconds. I said, oh my god, that thing clung to his leg for 30 seconds. But I maybe I wanted to last remember you're talking to the dryer sex guy here. Right. The guy with the the baby. Do you know that the Spanish is a sucker fish latches to swimmer? [1:47:00] Whoa. There you go. Let's say it's hot. But you know the Spanish fisherman, you know, there was a time when you could eat sea turtles. Right. And the Ramora will swim to whatever's moving because they feed off of, they're like parasitic fish when the shark eats, they'll catch all the scraps. So Spanish fishermen, to their ingenuity, they used to eat sea turtles. And when they'd catch a remora, they'd keep it alive in the boat. And when they saw a sea turtle, they'd put it on their line, throw it in the water. The remoras would go to the sea turtles, stick on the shell, and they'd reel in sea turtles. It used to be able to eat them, yeah. That's how they get... No, you're making this up. No, that's for real. This was in the past. They clung to the sea turtle, and that's how they pulled this. They used it like a magnet to the sea turtle. Yeah, you saw the size of the sucker on its head, right? So it would stick to the sea turtle, and then they could, Pull in the yeah see there's Yeah, so if you want to go fishing for sea turtles later let me know that's crazy. Yeah [1:48:09] Some good suck and going on in the ocean they should take the sea turtles and flip them on their back and put them in the bottom of the ship And then when they wanted to eat one they just pick it up because if you flip them on their back They can't turn over so they just lay there. Yeah, and they could stay alive for a long time without food or water. Yeah, because they're herb-breather's. Yeah, so you just leave them in there. So you want a quick one? Yeah, throw a leave over it. Pick it up. It's like fresh food. I've seen a bunch of videos of people cooking and eating sea turtles in other countries, because there's like some cooking show or fishing show or some guy went with American, you're not allowed to kill sea turtles. But in some parts of the world, like their local culture, you know, like in some like some uscoblaces. Yeah, inuits are allowed to eat whale. They can kill whale, they can kill walrus, seals, all that stuff. So these people are allowed to kill sea turtles, but there's something like really disturbing [1:49:00] about watching a sea turtle get hacked apart. Yeah, because they're so gentle. I know, and there's like, what is happening? Yeah, they're just like little dummies when we're having a fish. Like a fish, fish is just like their eyes don't move that good. They just move around a little. You're so removed from me, I'm gonna cut your head off and serve you a sushi. They're so sweet. That's cute. Also sea turtles. Trying to seem tough, but turtles are always good guys. Yeah. In movies and like Ninja Turtles, they're the good guys. Yeah. Right? Turtles are like your friend. Yeah, they're buddies. Yeah, they're your wives, pal. The turtles never cuts. It's never really a country turtle. Mm. In like movie There you are wise pal, the turtles never cuts. It's never really a country turtle. In like movie depictions. Yeah. Do you think of a country turtle? God. Remember that giant turtle that fought Godzilla and he like fired up out of his skull? There he goes. There's a big old fly. He was sped around. [1:50:01] What was his name? Cunti? No. I don't think so. But like turtles, that's like one of those things that happens with people. That's why people love bears. Because you have teddy bears. You have teddy bears and you got yogi and only you can prevent forest fires, all that stuff. Bears are your friends, they're sweet. It's what a great PR campaign. These murderous assassins have pulled off. Yeah. Getting us to like reintroduce them into areas where people are like, what are your friends? They're not. They're monsters. Big ass monsters. With a good PR campaign. Polar bears a leech a fast, doesn't know, do anything else. Here's a fact. Owls are dumb. I thought they were wise. I did too. I talked to a woman who trains birds. And she had all these different birds. She had hawks and parrots and falcons. She said owls are the dumbest. There's only one animal, dumber than them. That's one of those big animals, one of those big birds rather that's dumber than them. [1:51:01] One of them big birds from Australia. What are those things called? E-View? That's it. That one's dumber. Really? So that's the only animal that's dumber than an owl. It's just like owls are so dumb. I thought they were wise. I had one going outside of my house about two weeks ago. Keep them awake all night. And I'm like, how throw a Rubik's cube up into the tree. It comes back 30 seconds later perfectly done. So I don't think they're that dumb. Wow. I had to be getting autistic kid, living in your tree. Yeah. Johnny, I'm trying to sleep. Come down, Johnny. He's up there counting out loud. So check this out Joe He's not doing long map in his head. He's up there eating celery. I thousand divided by 16 Beautiful mine [1:52:01] Throws it back to you. He keeps going on with his math. I did do a movie once where I played a wizard and I had a Eurasian Eagle Owl. I think they're the biggest of all the owls. And they trained it to land on my arm on the big leather glove. Yeah. And I'd never worked with owls up close like that. And the trainer, he was sitting like this with his talons and The trainer said grab the back talon and pull it and I said well, I don't I don't want to hurt the thing You know I see see said no pull it so I I grabbed the back and I you know I gave it a tug and it didn't move and he goes no pull it as hard as you can and you know These are these big claws. I grab it. I could not where does you can? And you know, these are these big claws. I grab it, I could not move it. And he goes, this is what an owl's death grip feels like. When it clanks onto something, it's over. I could not believe the strength in that towel on it. It was crazy. Yeah, I mean, they're raptors. [1:53:00] Yeah. They're just wild. They're claws. When you see an eagle's claw, when they give you a close-up, and you look like that, it's like a human hand, but with spears of the fingers. But I didn't understand the strength of them. It's just like, much stronger than your hands. Yeah. Well, imagine what they do when they just snatch a salmon out of the water and fly away with it. I tried it. I tried it. I mean, that's insane. I mean, that is straight up dinosaur tools. Look at that. That's crazy. Look at all the texture to it, all the muscles and teeth. What a monster. And way more powerful than you would think just by looking at it. Oh yeah. I actually, if you look at the claws of the osprey, look at that, owls. Those are fake. He's got two hands, bro. That's real. No, those are real. No, that's the wise owl. That's the real wise owl. That can't be. I don't know what they're doing. He reads books with those. Yeah. He's up there in the tree reading books. I think it's the problem with that first thing. What's wrong with that? Oh yeah. [1:54:05] Look up to the internet. but I was so shocked that owls are dumb. Yeah, why did it? Whoa, look at those claws. Is that the Eurasian eagle owl? Oh my god. Great horn. Great horned owl. Look at those things. That's so amazing. That's what took my Chihuahua. Did it really? Yeah, I had a Chihuahua and one of those bastards because they're big too. Oh, those are fairly big. So they get a lot of cats. Imagine my little Chihuahua getting picked apart by that friend. Wow, I have a friend and he was telling, I think Steven L. was telling us on the podcast, was he about the, like they found this one owls nest that was filled with like cats, little collars. Oh wow. Yeah, it was like 30 different cat colors. Oh yeah. It's on like that. Yeah, that's what. Yeah, that's what. The Vuntman, they just snatching cats out of people's back. Yeah. And like I said, it's a tabby. Yeah. Trap right there. Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss If you hear this, if you hear, whew! And there, yeah. You ever heard like the difference between the sound [1:55:07] and the owl makes when it flies, they've done like these, like with they record the noise. There is no sound. It's insane. But silent. When you see a hawk do it or an eagle do it, there's all those different, different birds have noise and the owl makes like no fucking noise. The aerodynamics of an hour they're like stealth bombers. Yeah, just silent. You know the other wild one is tuna When tuna goes through the water they can go through the water to grab someone and and grab something and they don't even make a ripple Like when they go over the tail of the wall. It's crazy. I watch video of it. It's busy when they jump Yeah, no when they're going through the top of the water. Oh, I slide through like a night. Yeah So that's a hawk. Yeah when they're going through the top of the water, you just slide through like a night. Like a night, yeah. So that's a hawk. Yeah. I know what's the owl. It's Ken's his too. Shhh. [1:56:01] Nothing. Silent. Silent. Silent nighttime killer. Nothing silent silent night time killer Dumb is shit big stupid head with giant eyes dumb is shit just fucking killing everything again Other than that dumb are they gonna be smarter than a woodpecker? I think woodpeckers are way smarter really. I don't know. What about a blue hair? I don't think you'd train a woodpecker's this lady probably has a limited Database to work with. Everything like she's got on her arm is like a raptor, except for the owl. Like the Falcons, she said the hardest. Hawks and Falcons, she goes, they just kill everything. Like you let them go, they just go find things, they'll kill squirrels, they just like, they're killing machines. She goes, I let them go, they just find things and kill it like immediately. Find a bird, kill it, fly up to the bird, kill it. They come back to her, but they just go kill things first. Oh, this is a trained phallic. Yeah, yeah, this is what they're all trained, but it doesn't matter. Like if you let a hawk go, hawks just go we got to kill? They just fly around like what? Oh bird. Yeah, boom, dead. [1:57:05] They're not even trying to eat it. Squirrel, fuck you, bam. Kill that squirrel. So sport killing. Sport killing. Really? They're just designed to kill. Because not a lot of animals do that. Some animals can't help themselves. Lions do it to hyenas. Yeah, but I bet that lion did it to that lady in that car, I bet she was neat now. I bet that was a little bit of sport. There's another old video where some like Danish guys going through a lion safari with his wife and kids, and he got out, he was with his camera, and literally the kids and the wife, you see them in the car, going, but his legs are kicking in the air, and the lion just came and devoured him right in front of the wife and kids. Like the idiot got out. Some people are just fucking stupid. Yeah. That's Darwin, right? Yeah. That's the whole idea. It's like those people are not supposed to make it. Yeah. You're not supposed to make it. But they've already breed. Brad. That's a problem. [1:58:00] Yeah. At least the that has the benefit of seeing his dad get, like my dad was so dumb. Like you know, you can have a dumb dad and get through things and be a different person than your dad was. And if you're a dumb kid and your dad is dumb as shit, your dad gets out and gets eaten by a lion in front of you, that has a profound effect. I gotta be honest though. Not even saying that kid's dumb or that, you know, maybe the kids are genius. Yeah. You could be, you could have a genius kid, be stupid. I gotta be honest though, Joe, in this world we live in, where, you know, humans expire primarily, you know, in a hospital bed or at home and round their loved ones, with a disease, with whatever cancer. Right. I really would rather die, like jumping a lion. Like, you know, at the family function, how do you die? He attacked a lion. He went out on his shield. Huh? Yeah, you went out on your shield. Yeah. Like I want to noble the death of like a warrior, right? [1:59:00] Yeah. And going back to that story, this is gonna sound ridiculous. No way. Yeah. And I'll go back to that story. This is gonna sound ridiculous. No way. Yeah. But going back to the story where I told you, I saw the line when my hand was shaking. There was that terrified part of me. This is for real. There were two male lions, no one else in the middle of Africa. Part of me wanted to jump out of the truck and just run it the lion and attack it, knowing that I die, but knowing that it would be the most glorious death of a man with courage or stupidity, but at least I would die in a fashion where... In the real world, organic nature, man versus beast, beast versus beast, because I don't like to think of us as superior to other creatures, but it just... That actually popped into my head. I thought, I don't wanna expire in the leukemia ward. [2:00:04] I don't wanna be a hospice't want to expire in the leukemia ward. I don't want to be a hospice. Right. I've lived a good life. Yeah. So imagine I just run it alive. And that last moment I get to see the shock in its face of a human daring to jump on it and grab it. Yeah. And they would have been on me in a second, but I don't know. Is that weird? No. Like, have you ever thought how you wanna die? Well, if you're gonna die, especially if you're older and you know it's soon, what do you say? Just run at that line. What if, have you ever thought about that? No. Would you be fine just expiring in a hospital bed? Yeah, that's better than being torn apart in front of your family Yeah, I'm not saying do about your family People that know I'm from your family, but if you just have to get one at one moment like to take you to the line Let's say you're out hunting a gris and one day you just go you know what you put the rifle down and you just run out [2:01:02] I'm gonna go Hmm. This is how I want to go. Punching, punching a gris in the face. No one you're gonna die, but you go out in that wild... Punching a gris in the face is like an ant punching you. So like being attacked by a kitten with no claws. It is. But you get that moment of being a man, of feeling that power. You'd rather just, that's a stupid way to do it. Have a heart attack. Yeah. Who's Kai? That's a stupid way to die. Well, I mean, it's one thing if you get attacked by an animal when you're out in the woods. And it's like, hey, this is the price you pay for being in nature. But see that's the thing you're avert they attack us Why can't we attack them now flip it around? I like you yeah, okay, maybe I'm even inviting you to come with me to do it If you ever find out that you're gonna die and that's how you want to go I'll go you come with me Yeah, definitely I'll bring a rifle in case you change mine [2:02:05] You wouldn't like as you're running like Joe change my mind boom. I'll have my cross hairs on him You wouldn't run to the animal with me. No, no, I'll be there to watch I'm sorry to I love that okay. It would be a special moment with share I love share I'll be there when you pass over into the next stage of what and but you got to do me a favor Yeah, if like Heaven's real if like there is an afterlife, or whatever it is, just let me know. Oh, I would. Come back and tell me. Come in a dream. Tell me in a dream. Yeah. If you've got a dream of someone who died, and it seemed like super realistic. Oh. Yes. I think I have. What was it? It might have been my dad. Ooh, yeah, I just remember being really sad, like he's gone and there was like this wave of emptiness. Because my mother did die. And are your parents still with us? Yes. So when my mother died, like this whole formed in my heart, [2:03:02] like it literally felt like a hole. And it can't close. Like I can come to peace with it. His whole form in my heart, it literally felt like a whole. And it can't close. I can come to peace with it. I can be at harmony with the fact that she's gone, but I wasn't even super close with my mom, but the whole that got left in my heart is like, if I focus on it, I can feel it immediately. And it's that connection to the mother, that the person that brought you into this world, you know, is really, really powerful. And so in the dream, what happened with your dad? I can't remember, it's foggy. What I remember more than the actual moment is that feeling, that feeling of emptiness, that, oh, they're gone, you know, just gone forever. And it was really sort of this sad, crushing feeling on my soul. It's powerful. I had a dream after Phil Hartman died. Oh. And it wasn't that long after his death and In the dream I [2:04:07] ran into him and it was very realistic Because we were outside and he had like one of those folding lawn chairs and it was on the ground and I said I said hello and He was explaining to me that him and his wife had worked it out. You know, this is after his wife killed him. Yeah. You were right there too, right? I wasn't there when it happened. No, but you were working the show and it happened, right? Yeah, yeah. And he laughed about it. Like, yeah, we had a lot to work through. But we're good now. Something along those lines. And then he sat down on the lawn chair and like fell backwards, like it stumbled backwards. And then I looked and he was gone. It was really weird. Cause then I realized it was a dream. And then I woke up. But I remember thinking, like in the moment, [2:05:01] like that seems so realistic. Like he was like telling me he's okay. Cause I tried to get him to divorce that lady a bunch of times. It was working with him. Yeah, cause he would, they would fight like crazy fights where he would just disappear for a couple. He would leave the house and he was telling me he wanted to get divorced, but he didn't want the lawyers to take a third. Because it's like, I was like just keep her. How about a half? No, no, no, it's two thirds. So the lawyer takes a third. This is what he was telling me. It's like I go just give her half. You're always gonna make money. Just get out. Be free. Just be here. And he was terrified of that. He was terrified of leaving. And so when he finally decided to leave, she murdered him sleep. She shot him and then she shot herself and my friend was actually my friend who was a cop was actually there when she shot herself. Oh, so that happened when the police approached the house? Yes. Yes. Oh wow. Yeah. The police broke into the house to try to save the kids and she shot herself. The kids ran away from their mom. He told me so he told I hadn't he told I hadn't done stand up in two weeks after the murder. I was just, [2:06:06] yeah, I just couldn't imagine anything being funny. And then I decided two weeks later to try to go to the comedy store. So I'm at the gas station. And while I was at the gas station, my friend who was a cop was there. And I was like, Hey, what's up? How are you doing? He goes, Hey, how are you doing? You good? And I go, yeah, he goes, you know, I was there. I go really. And then he told me the whole story about how he was there and they saw the mom in the bathroom with the gun. And the kids ran away from the mom when the cops broke down the door because the cops saw her in the bathroom with the gun. And a lot of times in murder suicides, the mother will kill her children too. Yes, of course. Yeah. And so she was in there with the gun, talking to the kids, and the kids freaked out. And then when they broke down the front door, the kids ran away from the mom, and she just blew her brains out. The only good side is they didn't see her do that, I'm guessing. I'm hoping they didn't see that. There's no good side. I mean, there's no good side. You lose your mother and your father in a murder homicide in one night and you're like, what? You mean there's no good side. [2:07:07] With your intuition, like obviously you were advising Phil to get away. Was there ever a foresight in your head that she would murder him? Wow. No, no, no, no, no. That's funny how we just don't know people. But first of all, she was also on Zoloft and Cocaine. And the family won some sort of a settlement with Zoloft. Not much, but you, there's instances where people mix Zoloft with Cocaine that they have psychotic reactions. And I suspect that's what was going on. And she was, they hated each other. They loved each other and they hated each other. You know, it's one of those deals. Like she would insult him publicly. It was rough, man. And, you know, I was just saying, like you're a great guy. Like you don't need to be going through this. [2:08:01] Like you need to get divorced and have, you know, share custody of your kids and try to set an example and just not, you can't do this. Like the fighting was so bad. It was, and he hated it. He didn't want to be married to her. He was stuck and I told him, like you can't just stay stuck and just let these circumstances overcome your existence. Yeah, you know matter how hard it is you have to push through. So we had a break or we were done filming for a bit until we went back for the next season and one day I woke up and someone called me and told me and then I saw it on the news and it's just like what? And then everybody was calling everybody and we all got together. We're like fuck It's just so hard to believe it doesn't make sense. It's like yeah, how was he or buddy like were you friends with him off set Like did you chum around and stuff? Yeah actually took me up in his plane once [2:09:00] to Find where I wound up buying a house because I he goes, one of the cool things about flying is like I can show you, because he had gotten his pilot license while we were on the show together. And so he was always practicing that he bought one of these single engine planes. It was pretty cool. And so he said, you wanna come up for a flight? A flight I'll show you around. I'm like, yeah, let's do it. And so we flew around the valley and showed me all these different areas. And it's like, he was a great guy, man. Did you? Sweet, sweet guy. Given the turmoil in his relationship, were you privy to the knowledge that they had a gun in the house? No, no, no, I didn't do. Because you got a, when you're going through something bad with a spouse, I don't think it's good having a gun in the house because someone could flip like that, you know? I guess, yeah, that's a horrible thing to think. But I don't even know who's gun it was. I don't know anything, you know? I don't know if it was her gun. I don't know if you knew about the gun. I don't Yeah, but the dream the dream was so strange because the dream was like him letting me know he's fine It was he was Phil he was laughing [2:10:07] He was like he made some sort of a joke about his wife killing him and That we got through that now and then he sat down on the lawn chair and fell backwards like it slipped back And like I think I looked down at the ground and I looked at him and he was gone and That was like oh, this is a dream and then I woke up Did you feel like closure? Yeah. Weirdly. Weirdly. It felt like it was him letting me know not to freak out about it. Yeah, like let it go. Yeah. Dude, you're always going to freak out about it. You freak out about the kids. Yeah. The kids is a big one that you just can't imagine what it would be like if that was you, if you were a kid, and then also your mom shoots your dad and then shoots herself, and then it's public. It's not just that it's this thing that you have to deal with, it's the thing that everybody wants to talk to you about because the whole world knows about it because he was a famous guy. Yeah. Well, not only famous, but what really, he was loved, but what really kind of was hard to get your head around is you have this guy [2:11:08] who's an extreme comedy force, right? And you don't think of joyous sort of comedy people that elicit laughter and violence like that. And so the fact here is this funny sort of, ha ha ha guy that brought so much laugh and then that kind of ending, it's like it just doesn't fit. But not only that, it's like, when does the wife kill the husband with a gun? Yeah, how often is it? That's so rare. An execution style in the sleep. While sleeping, yeah. Oh my God. What must have been going through her head too? So loft and cocaine. Yeah. What's Zoloft? It's an antidepressant SSRI. Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah, Google the results of the side effects of mixing Zoloft with cocaine. I think there's a few psychiatric medications [2:12:00] that you, if you mix with alcohol, or if you mix with cocaine, you get really crazy behavior. Like people just go off the fucking rails. Yeah. I don't know even how much control they have. I don't know what that feels like. Like what does that feel like? You're on Zolaft and Koke. You might be fucking a raving maniac. Yeah. You know? Did you get anything on that? So So long yeah, like just that name sounds like it's crazy time sounds like it's from the Star Trek Yeah, it sounds like it's like a planet The Zoloft are here. I went if they named it that to make it seem like it's super advanced like you're gonna take Zoloft Yeah, it's fucking yeah, It just sounds like nutty time. That's gonna fix it. Yeah. That's gonna fix it. Like if there was a legitimate happy pill that worked like that with everybody, they gave you like sort of like a low dose of MDMA all throughout the day. Yeah. It's probably a good thing for everybody. Yeah. [2:13:01] Well, this is my side effects. I'm mixed on that. Yeah. Because I think we were bioengineered to have what we have. And when you, on a daily basis, if you start tinkering with what the structure was, how it was already the architecture of the structure, I feel like it's not maybe necessarily a good thing. Taking cocaine and antidepressants can interfere with your medication's ability to balance the levels of neurotransmitters in your brain, making them ineffective and possibly worsening your symptoms. Essentially antidepressants are meant to correct any chemical imbalances that make contributed depression such as low serotonin. Cocaine, on the other hand, is abused to spike dope, when do you say abused? How about used, buddy? To spike dope amine and serotonin levels, producing an energetic and euphoric high. Although this rush of dope amine and serotonin makes them feel great for a few minutes, mixing anti-depressants in cocaine can produce serotonin syndrome, which is marked by symptoms like confusion, anxiety, fear, diarrhea, vomiting, seizures, and coma. Additionally, taking cocaine with other drugs also increases the individual's risk of [2:14:08] addiction. Chronic users often require cocaine addiction treatment and treatment for cocaine with withdrawal symptoms to recover. Is there zoloft, mixing zoloft and cocaine, psychotic behavior? Google that. Oh, there's God of it. Because I think that was something that like unlimited Numbers of people they had observed some like craziness. Yeah, that's poor guy, man. Sorry dude That's a traumatic story. That's a rough story But you know it happened 25 years ago or whatever it was still it's just like Crazy crazy to believe. It's hard to believe. You know, it's hard to believe that someone could do that to someone that they marry to that they have children with and that they love supposedly. Well, it's all, you would lose your mind that far that you would shoot them in the sleep. It's fucking, well, it's the Jimmy Hendrix, [2:15:02] Jim Morrison from the doors, you know, Janice Joplin syndrome. They were cut down. They left us with who knows what else to offer us. You know, like so many untold jokes, stories, moments like Phil Harman was obviously multi-talented as an actor too. He was an artist as well. He's a album cover. Like to see what would still cut. Because I think Denny get killed in his late 30s. Nice in his 40s. 40s. I don't think he even made it on to set it alive until he was in his late 30s. That was like the thing of him was like he was a grinder for so long and he was so talented and just didn't make it until he did. And then everybody's like, oh my God, this guy's amazing. He was fucking great on news radio too. He's such a good actor. Comedic actor, so funny man. Such a good at delivering a line. Like, such a professional. And it was interesting because he came over from Santa and I live, which is like this really competitive like shitty environment. [2:16:00] They're sniping each other and having a terrible things to each other behind the scenes. They do. Yeah, you're telling me it was terrible. And so when he came to News Radio to the sitcom, which was opposite, everybody was very loose. Everybody was silly. We'd all go out drinking together. It was a good time. It wasn't any like weird shittiness. Oh, good. And he had it like a just. And so he would tell me about it. Like he's like the smoke a little weed. So I'd hang out with him and he'd smoke with him. This is back when I wasn't smoking weed. And he'd smoke a little weed. We'd talk about stuff and just like you hated being there. It was just all backstabbers. Yeah, I've heard that story at SNL. Yeah, they'll steal your ideas for your sketches. and Jim Brewer had horrible stories about that. He had sketch ideas and he'd put them in the spreadsheet and they could read the spreadsheet of what you were going to do the sketches on. So other senior writers would steal those sketches and say, we're doing something on them. And just like, fuck you, man. It was just like this constant battle. [2:17:03] And he said he had it with cast members, he had it with writers. And so Phil was like, ugh. That's not conducive for comedy. That's just the worst. Yeah, so worse for comedy. But that's like that really weak man, like backstabbing shit when they get power. That happens. And when they have too much power unchecked and no one's watching them and they get away with things like stealing younger writers' premises and it's all dog eat dog. Everybody's just trying to get to the top. But look, that's always been a part of stand up. Always been a part of comedy. It's like people stealing people's bits and the famous person steals them and the unfamous person's fucked and destroys their lives. You've seen it happen before? Has anyone ripped you off ever? Yeah, sure. A bunch of times. Yeah. Yeah, I confronted people and they told me they wouldn't do it again, then I heard they were doing it again. Like there's certain people that have always been bucking ears. Yeah. [2:18:00] They've always been joke, bucking ears. You know, it's a pro and you know, they don't have any friends those those people They have they sometimes have like Like a vampire familiar opening act. So there's opening act will go with them and they'll steal bits from them too There was a bunch of guys that got away with that before the internet rolled around There was there's a predatory type of comedian that would just Pote other people's premises and sort of rework them. They didn't have any. There was nothing that they did that was creative on their own. Everything was derivative of somebody else's work. Everything. I always heard and I'm sure he could do anything he wanted on his own volition, but I had always heard stories that Robin Williams was that guy. Yeah. Did you ever hear? I heard a lot of stories that he was that guy. Yeah, and I think Robin Williams was so like part of that Manic sort of style. It's like this constant need to have a bit about anything that you're talking about ever and Killing I think was more important and filling that hole inside of him was more important than anything [2:19:04] And so he would just do other people stuff if he didn't have anything to say. Did you get confronted by other communities? Oh yeah, yeah, there's a lot of stories. Kinnison got mad at him. Oh really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He stole from Kinnison? Yeah, he stole from everybody. He stole from a lot of people. So it is true. I know he's heard that You ask any of those comics from back then, there's always instances of Robin going on a talk show and doing your bid or going on this and doing your bid. Yeah, doing your bid at a club. Yeah. With him, do you think it was because he was just so spontaneous? He was just like, puke it out or? There's no way. Yeah. You've had, I think he wanted to kill more than he wanted to be ethical. So at any cost, I will tell. And especially back then, when no one was really watching you other than comedians, like even up into the 2000s, like the men see a thing happen in 2007, right? Even then, they were more willing to side with someone who they thought was more profitable [2:20:01] than the truth about what is this person doing and how are they getting this material? This is pretty clear that they're plagiarizing. And if it's any other form of entertainment like music, like they'll bring it to court and you lose. And then all the money from those songs has to come to the original person because you copied their song. Like that's a classic thing. Happens in literature all the time. That woman who was the president of Harvard got busted plagiarizing. She's not a president of Harvard anymore. There's consequences always, but in comedy, it's always been self-policed. And so it's a weird thing that thing that people do, where they try to pawn off other people's bits as their own. That was, it was a, so it's a weird thing that thing that people do, where they try to pawn off other people's bits as their own. Like it's a vampire thing, because you're around all these creative people, and you're just stealing a little bit from this guy, a little bit from that guy, and people are scared of you. Did you ever put a guy up against the wall? [2:21:01] No, I didn't have to do that. How come? Because I just said things. Like you just verbally hate. Just say to me, man, don't do my fucking material anymore. You know that's my material. Yeah. Just like that. And you know, they're probably still going to do it unless you want to hurt them. But it's like the thing about those people is they always get caught and when they get caught, they, they, everything after that sucks. This is how you know if a thief is legitimately a thief. If they're being unjustly accused, they're always gonna come up with new material. They're always gonna be creative. They're always gonna have new great jokes because they're actually writing and working on it. But if it's true, what you see is an initial special or something or a few things they do that are really funny. And then you see this massive drop off in like the concepts that they talk about, the irony that they discover, they don't have any like legitimate points where you're like, wow, that is crazy. There's none of that. [2:22:00] It all goes away. And it becomes almost like a person doing an impression of the original successful person Yeah, because they have no creative in that now they're exposed So now they have to be really careful. So you see that with every thief you see a couple early like big specials or something Yeah, and then you see massive drop off Interorable performances after that. It's because they're not real. Yeah, I think I can think of a fair. They're parasites. That's what they are. They're vampires and they're stealing from artists. And they're tolerated a lot of times because they're very successful. And one of the creepy things they do is they start hiring people to work for them. Like they'll have a television show or something that will hire legitimate people to work for them. And those people now become like, they become like confidence. And so they kind of keep it under wraps. They try to like defend that person publicly. It's a very slick PR move for scumbags. And some of those people working for them could be writers that will steal for them too on their behalf. [2:23:00] That becomes a problem too. One of the things that we noticed in the early days of the store is that the guys who are thieves, their opening acts would become thieves. Because even if the opening acts had potential and some of them got out of it and actually became legit comics eventually, but they were seeing the shortcuts that this guy was taking, they were seeing this guy driving number 80s and they're like, I wanna take shortcuts too. This is how you do it. If you want to get by, this is my mentor. If that's your mentor, if your mentor is a buck in here. And you know, you like, okay, I guess this is a fucking, I thought it was an artist. I guess this is a doggy dog world. Eventually I'll stop stealing, but right now I gotta make it. Bad approach. Crazy. Kind of crazy. Did anyone ever approach you and say, hey Rogan, that's my bet a bit. No. I have had people approach me where I know that it wasn't their bit, and I know they were trying to steal a bit. Oh, really? One of the things that thieves will do is say, I actually do a bit on that too. Yeah. And you're like, that's really interesting. So I've been doing this bit for two years, and you've seen me do comedy. So what do we do in. You know there's those moments. That's a little kind of [2:24:08] poke the cage. Yeah. And then there's also like public events like some big thing that happens with everyone's gonna have a bit on it. You know like that summering, like you can't say hey I do a bit on the summer. The border wall. Yeah. Everybody's got to go down the border wall. This is like, there's certain things where it's just you know. But you just know, we know who's writing. We see them. We see them go up. You know, if you go to the mothership on any given night, someone's going to do a joke at the bombs. And then that joke, maybe next time they'll tweak it. You know, maybe they come up into the green room as many times it happened Well, one of us will say a joke. I'll say a joke I'm like this joke is just fucking I can't go anywhere with it I got I know there's something there, but I can't and we'll fuck around we'll bounce off each other We'll network yeah, and then like someone will go up with the version of it. That's like tightened up And then it starts killing yeah, we, it works. And so it's like this cooperative project. [2:25:05] But it's just, if you're not doing that, then you're not creating new material because new material's never perfect. It's always, sometimes it is, sometimes you have a bit, like, every now and then, came to you, and it's hilarious right away, and it kind of stays in that same form. But then a lot of times, you know there's something there, but you don't know how you're going to extract it. Yeah. Some of my favorite moments is I'm one of these guys. I don't know why I do this. I think it's for the thrill of the kill. But I love to go to the show early, like at the store or whatever. I'll go like, you know, two comics early and I'll sit in the back. And I don't know what my opening bit's gonna be and I realize those two comics have between them about, I don't know, 25 minutes. They're doing 12 minutes each. And I go between them and me going up, I gotta come up with my opening bit [2:26:03] and all create it as I'm in the back of the room. I call it kind of sort of like swimming, you know Reaching for air when you're drowning. Right. Well, you know you have to say something I have to do it forces your brain to come up with something funny to say it off the top Right, and I'll go up and do it as it and again the opening bit is always the hardest like right so if you can lay a new bomb the opening bid is always the hardest. Like, so if you can lay a new bomb as your opening bid, that you just came up with, I love doing that. That's a great way to put yourself under pressure. Oh, I love it. I love it. Have you done bottom of the barrel yet at the mothership? We did it last night. Next time you're in town on Tuesday night, Brian Simpson, who we just called. Oh, were you reaching the bucket? Yeah. Yeah, I did it last, I about a month ago. That's the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She back is against what Shane and I did it last night for a half an hour. We do it together sometimes. So Shane and I went up at the end of the show. Oh my God, we had so much fun. and I'm laughing at him, we're laughing at each other, [2:27:05] we're laughing at the audience, the audience is laughing. It was like such a party, because they know we're just pulling these things out. Yeah, you pull out words, right? Yeah, you pull out words. You got it, oh yeah. So it was cool as a team thing too, because sometimes he's ranting about something, we're all laughing,, I'll pull in the bucket, try to find another good one. Like what's the next one gonna be? So we got one on deck. And so, but it's like having that thing where you're forced to come up with something funny in the moment, it's like, it's a good little exercise for creativity. Yeah, and what I'm getting at too is when it hits. Like when you, you know, when you do that, it's kind of like a 40, 60 ratio a lot of the time. 40% success. When you get that one that you just came up with and it's 100%, maybe even 110, they're rare, but it's like, oh yeah. Did you see the Andrew Schultz thing that he did about Los Angeles where he's like, everybody's saying that you guys are a bunch of [2:28:02] drug addicts and perverts and psychopaths, but that's just one part of LA called Diddy's house. Like he was sick of this Diddy bit. He came up with that in the green room. Oh see? Before the show. Yeah. They were, Derek was there while he was like getting ready. He was like trying to, and nails it. Yeah. In front of everybody. I love this. First time he did it, kills. It's a great exercise because you know you've got the rest of your whole act. Yes. So in my brain, I go, let's go up and dive on the sword, see if I can, you know, mine some gold. And if I don't, I don't, because I got 12 minutes or 30 minutes in the chamber that I know works. So I just, I love that opening few minutes where you just like throw it out there. Yeah, it's good. It's exciting. Yeah, just putting yourself in a situation. Like sometimes when you're on stage and you're doing a bit, [2:29:01] you ever go like in another direction just to see where it goes. Just take a little turn. Oh yeah. Just see. Never know. And maybe that turn becomes like the best part of the bit. Oh, absolutely. But if you don't do that. Yeah. So like that's how you do the difference between thieves and comics. Thieves don't do that. Like all of a sudden they just have bits. Yeah. Yeah. No, switching gears in the moment is amazing. And back to what you're saying about SNL. That's one of the reasons I love the purity of what we do is because you can deviate. You can create your own meandering pathway as opposed to structured sketches and stuff like that. It's really, I don't know, it's just let you soar, man. Yeah, I mean, you're great in sketches. You're great in Dumber Dumber. That was fucking awesome. Oh, thank you. I was very, very, very, very, very, very funny scene. You're there, because like, you were like, one of my first friends that was in a giant movie. I was like, damn, look at Harlan. Yeah, it was great when no, no, don't some celery Does that help I think it just makes it your rubb it Jamie tuck me those [2:30:09] Paper towels. What is that tea? No coffee Oh I like this t-shirt. Oh fuck it up Yeah, I mean we're lucky as fuck dude. We're lucky that we get to do this for a living and you and I been doing it for so fucking long Sorry, what are you doing you dick? Oh? What are you doing over there? You pulling tape or mount? God more preparation show Fuck you really should go to jail you should go to jail. You should go to jail We should deport you. You send you back to Canada. Well, you done to me You see it's warm. It's been in my groin for two hours Yeah, this is his pants you touch the cauliflower this time you'll touch my groin [2:31:10] Harlan Williams you the fucking man. I love you to death So honored thanks for having we've done it again great. I'll be on the cover for a few months, but then yeah Take to me true Leave them on the table. Yeah, he'll stay here forever. Okay, good. This is his new home He'll live amongst the arrowheads and skulls and shit. Thank you, Joe. My pleasure, bro. It's great to see you. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you all these years. I love you, Dad. Thank you, brother. Thank you. Thank you. Bye, everybody.