Comedy!
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Mark Normand is the co-host of “Tuesdays with Stories!” and “We Might Be Drunk” podcasts. His new special, “None Too Pleased,” is streaming on Netflix. https://www.netflix.com/title/82155387 https://www.youtube.com/@TuesdayswithStories https://www.youtube.com/@WeMightBeDrunkPod https://www.youtube.com/@marknormand https://www.marknormandcomedy.com
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Dr. Seuss, Horton Hears a Who!
Mark Twain, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Neal Gabler, Walt Disney: The Triumph of the American Imagination
Neal Gabler, An Empire of Their Own: How the Jews Invented Hollywood
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Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
Hey, hey, good to be here.
Look at you in Texas.
I know, I feel good, I got tested, I feel great.
Yes, you're clean, you're clean of cooties.
I've got to be honest, I'm shocked.
I thought I've been super spreading for weeks.
I just felt like that in my body, like, ah, I must be hurting people.
Well, there's a wave going through New York right now.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of comics got it.
Everybody's got it.
I don't want to say names, I don't know what's out, but holy shit.
I don't know what's out either.
And it got all the funny ones, too.
It wasn't like the hacks didn't die.
It's just like real comics.
They get Patrice, they get Mitch Hedberg, they get Geraldo.
Same with Corona.
Well, you know, those are the ones that are hanging out.
Yeah, good point.
Funny people hang out with funny people.
When a comic stops hanging out with comics, it never turns out well.
Yeah.
When they kind of alienate themselves from other comics.
You've noticed, right?
Good point.
They get weird.
And we don't care about scandals or anything.
If you're funny, we'll still hang out with you.
We don't care at all.
No one cares at all.
Louis was back like that.
Right, right.
I see Brian Callen.
I give him a hug.
There you go.
It's when you're in that weird little group, you got to really, like, I think
comics want
to think that they're independent in some sort of way, that they don't need
other comics.
And you could survive without other comics.
But those are, like, army issue MREs.
Yeah.
Like, you can kind of get by eating them.
Right.
But you're not, are you really living?
Ah, that's good.
Yeah.
You can survive on, like, dehydrated food.
Right.
You can live, but are you going to enjoy it?
Well, the pandemic's a bitch because you can't do stand-up.
But when you get that moment when you're hanging out with the other guys again,
you're like,
oh, this is what I've been missing.
I've been going crazy.
I felt like a weirdo in my apartment.
Well, I've been doing these shows in town with Chappelle, and I did one of them
with him,
like, three weeks ago.
Well, I did one with Tony Hinchcliffe at the Vulcan Gas Company, like, four
weeks ago.
And Ron White was the funniest ever.
Because before, he's like, oh, I'm basically retired.
I'm just going to fucking retire.
Take all my tequila money and just fucking chill out.
I'm going to sell my plane.
He's talking all this shit.
And then he gets off stage.
He did one set that he hadn't done stand-up in eight months.
Wow.
The moment he gets off stage, he grabs me by my shoulders.
He goes, we're fucking doing this, okay?
We're back.
He goes, I don't give a fuck what we have to do.
This must continue.
Like, he was, like, at 10.
He was at a 10.
It's in you.
It's like when you quit drinking, and you're like, fuck it.
Tonight we're drinking.
It's the same feeling.
You just start chugging again.
You're like, ah.
You rip your shirt off.
You look like Kreischer.
Have you ever quit drinking?
I tried for, like, a week.
I just, I like it, and I feel like I'm good at it now.
I'm in my late 30s.
I've drank since I was 13.
I got it down.
I mean, I'm from New Orleans, you know.
You get after it out there.
Yeah, it's a different world up there.
It's part of the culture.
But, yeah, no, you're right.
The comedy, you need it once you get back into it.
Because I think we're inherently lazy, most comics, we want to put our feet up.
Well, not you.
You're doing 17 jiu-jitsu's and, you know, making coffee and stuff.
But, like, I feel like we're inherently lazy, but you get us back in that limelight,
and it all percolates.
Yeah, in terms of, like, wanting to do it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, the juice is worth the squeeze.
It's, show that again.
The juice is worth the squeeze.
Like, if you can get back into, like, stand-up shape, the juice of killing in
front of a crowd is so worth the effort it's going to take to get your act back
in order and write.
Right.
And prepare.
Like, I had to prepare.
Like, really prepare.
Like, when you get a good rhythm going, like, you don't even really have to
look at your notes before a show, right?
Yeah, definitely.
If you've been doing, like, four nights in a row, like, you're ready to go.
You're ready to go.
You might, just to be a pro, probably go over it real quick.
Yeah.
But, man, when you haven't done stand-up in six months, it's a different
feeling.
Like, you're going over all the lines.
I found shit before Wednesday night's show.
I totally forgot.
Yeah.
I'm like, oh, that makes that better.
Oh, yeah, I forgot this whole thing.
Right.
And you ever have that thing where you listen, because I was so nervous going
back that I would listen to old sets.
I was like, that was pretty good.
This is not bad.
This is good stuff, because you were so in the zone.
Yeah.
You were cooking.
I watched my 2016 Netflix special the other day.
I was laughing.
There you go.
Because I forgot.
I forgot all sorts of it.
Yeah.
I literally don't even remember those bits, because I purposely try to just
move on.
Sure, sure.
And abandon them.
Which is so funny, because you put hours and hours and so much.
Like, I'd be in the shower thinking about my act.
Like, ah, that could be better.
That needs a better tag.
That's not hitting like I want.
And then you move on to a new hour, and that's just all gone.
Gone.
Gone forever.
Crazy.
Gone.
And real quick, too.
For me, it's like a couple months afterwards.
I can't remember how they go anymore.
I'm the same way.
Yeah.
But you know when you get on stage, and that rhythm kind of comes back.
You're like, oh, I'm in the rhythm again.
Yeah.
And then you're off and running.
Well, I felt, it's weird.
I felt the rhythm the first night I came back, but then I didn't feel it that
good the second night.
The second night, I was a little nervous at first, and I had to get into it.
And both shows went well, but my feeling was different.
Like, the laughs were there, but you know that feeling where you're just greased?
Yes, yes, the lube.
Yeah, I didn't feel greased.
I get it.
It was working great, but I was like, okay, and then this one, and then I did
that one.
Right, joke to joke.
Yeah, all like fucking sticking it together and assembling it on the fly.
And you can't be loose and funny if you're assembling in your head the whole
time.
When you're greased, you're loose, and you're really you.
DeChapelle shows that we're doing, he's got this sort of hangout system.
He's got it down.
Everybody's COVID tested, plays great music in the green room,
and people are just hanging out, drinking, and laughing.
So you're having fun.
Right.
And it's like, for him, he thought this through.
He's like, I would be before a show reading a book and then go on stage and be
funny.
He's like, this doesn't feel good.
Yeah.
This isn't how to do it.
No.
So now we're in the back, and he's cracking jokes.
We're laughing.
We're talking shit.
We're having fun, having a couple of drinks.
And then, boom, he goes on stage, loose as a goose, already having fun.
Yeah.
It's really wise.
It's a wise way to approach it.
It is wise.
Because social, you need that social lube.
Like, you ever fly to Arkansas, you get off the plane, you get into a car, you
go right
on stage, and you're like, ah, you guys are the first people I've spoken to in
17 hours.
Exactly.
And you've got to, like, kick in.
Yeah.
It's good to be loose and social and fun with people.
Yeah.
That's why, well, for me, I used to always bring opening acts on the road.
Oh, there you go.
There's two reasons.
One, you want to hang with a guy, you want a buddy to come with you on the road.
But two, you know the person's going to be funny.
Yeah.
Because the worst is when you have to sit there through 20 minutes of someone's
terrible act,
and you're like, oh, no.
And you feel bad for the audience.
Oh, that's the worst.
And then I used to feel bad, like, comedy doesn't work.
Like, comedy's not real.
Right, right.
These people hate it.
They'll never come see a show again.
This is not comedy.
This is, what is comedy?
Comedy can't be real.
This guy's talking.
Nothing can be funny.
Well, comedy is pretty flimsy when you really break it down.
Yeah.
You know, it's like one little air conditioner, the blender's gone.
It's all over.
Yeah.
The waitress comes, it's all over.
So you're like, damn.
It's like a boner when you're 48.
You know, it's harder to hold.
A stumble of words.
Yes, that's it.
It slips through your fingers.
It's over.
It's gone.
Seinfeld said it was like when a car train goes by, like a train goes by, and
one of
the cars is missing, and you have to jump it with a motorcycle.
That one missing car.
But if you do too late, you'll hit the train.
It's such a good analogy.
Yeah, it's a slippery little rascal.
It's so hard to hold on to.
It is weird, though, going back to dropping your whole act, because speaking of
Seinfeld
and 80s guys, they did their act for 700 years, you know.
But like, we just drop it, and we work so hard on it.
Is that a little sociopathic?
It almost feels like those people who take in dogs, and then they fall in love
with it,
and then they're like, okay, I fostered a dog.
Now it's good to go with a family.
No, no, no, no.
Because it's recorded.
It's gone.
That's true.
It's done.
It's out there forever.
I guess it is recorded.
I just watched it.
Yeah, you got a point.
It's not gone forever.
No, it's not gone.
It's just, but it has to be gone for you to concentrate on what you're doing
now, because we only have
a certain amount of room for material in our head.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
Like, when you got an hour, and you know how that feeling of the beginning and
the middle,
and you're moving stuff around, trying to find out what's the best way to end
it?
When you have it down, like, it requires all of your attention.
Definitely.
You can't really be fucking around with some other subjects and other old shit
and other
things that you want, thinking about bringing back or something.
Like, you don't have time for that.
Right, right.
Yeah, but don't you have friends from, I have friends from high school who were
like,
this, and I don't even, I've never talked to them since.
I don't even think about them.
They don't think about me.
They have families, and I feel like that's kind of like my act.
Do you get that?
Like, do you have people from your past that you don't talk to?
Yes, but I do have people from my past that I do talk to.
Oh, okay.
I have a few, few friends that I'm pretty regularly discuss life with.
Yeah.
That I've been friends with since I was in my early 20s.
And you still get along?
Oh, yeah.
My friend Tommy Jr., shout out to Tommy Jr. in Connecticut.
We've been buddies since I was 24, I think.
Wow, that's pretty good.
Yeah, crazy.
And you just pick right up.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, I would see him every time I would go to New York.
We'd play pool together.
He'd come to the UFC.
He's come to comedy shows.
He's come to visit me in California.
It was very convenient when I was traveling every year to the UFC, or every
year to New York
City, rather.
Yeah.
Because the UFC was doing a gig in New York City every year.
And then before that, at least once a year, I'd come there to do stand-up
anywhere.
I'd do Gotham or, you know, Carolines or what have you.
Yeah, yeah.
I'd always see him.
That's nice.
I kind of wish I had that with, like, a wife.
That's why I'm so scared of marriage.
Because you change so much from just high school to now, or college to now, and
then you get
married, and then you change again, maybe, when you're 62, and then you're
stuck with
this plus-size lady, and you don't know what the hell to do and how to get out,
and then
you can't meet anybody new because you're 62.
That's the problem with the contract of marriage, right?
That's the problem, is that it is a legal contract.
And it feels-
It goes great, and you're-
Very antiquated.
It is in a lot of ways.
It's very good for ensuring that there's, like, there's a bond that's not just
your word.
Yeah.
You know, it's legal.
So if you do try to leave, the woman at least has some sort of financial recourse.
In some case, the men.
Every now and then, one of us-
That's true.
We put one on the board.
Right.
Tom Arnold is our all-star, right?
Right, right.
In terms of men that have made money from divorces, he's the goat.
Yeah, I think it's like when a black cop shoots a white guy.
I'm sure it's the same shit with the black community.
Or, like, when OJ won.
I lived in a black neighborhood, and I could hear the yelling, and people were
going nuts.
Yeah.
Every now and then, a guy wins.
Who else do we know of that has made money off of, like, a high-profile divorce
where the
woman had all the money?
There's a new one that just came out with an actress that just divorced a guy,
and he
was a nobody, and he's cleaning up.
But I can't think of who it is.
Gah!
Give that a goog, J-Mo.
I don't know how you would look that up, but-
Yeah, how do you look that up?
Guy killing it with hot actress wife.
Yeah, I don't know, but-
There it is?
No, I won't.
Oh, Kevin Federline.
Yes.
Oh, there you go.
The other thing is, though, Kevin got fat.
Like, he decided, fuck it, I'm going to get fat.
He was hot.
He was a hunk.
Handsome.
He was a hunk, sir, I think.
Hunk of burning love.
He had a six-pack and looked great.
Yeah, hot wigger.
What is that what he look like now?
I don't know.
Now he's very big.
Oh, there he is, the bottom right.
Yeah, he's a chupster.
Yeah, he got very big.
That's not so bad, though.
Not too bad.
Got a little gut there.
That's Kreischer on a good day.
Oh, Jesus, that's Kreischer never.
Oh, my God, he was that big?
Look at the clothing.
Bro, he got big.
That's pretty big.
But also, you know, he's taking care of the kids, under a lot of stress.
True.
True.
It's funny how all that stuff rolls out the window when it's like, when the
tables flip.
You know, it's like, hey, women need their money.
And then when the guy's like, I need my money, it's like, oh, what are you
doing?
And you're like, well, that's what you've been doing.
You know, it's like, how come when it flips, now you're mad?
Ah, I'm a cunt.
You see what I'm saying?
I do see what you're saying.
But I don't want to, we don't have to get into it.
This is great coffee.
Do you think that, I mean, it's just the non-traditional roles, right?
And when a woman is killing it, and she's making that money, there's an
understanding that more women have been fucked over by men.
Ah, okay.
Well, that's probably true.
It is.
It has to be.
The beatings and the...
Because it seems natural.
Right, right.
Like, when you think about it, like, the woman gets the money, like, yep.
Yeah.
Seems natural.
But if you think about the man gets the money, like, you're like, what?
Why does he want the money?
It doesn't feel right.
Right, it feels wrong.
Which is so cool about comedy, because those things are imprinted in people.
Yes.
So when you make a joke the wrong way, you make a fat guy joke, ha ha.
Make a fat lady joke, no, no.
Right.
And the audience will tell you that.
And so all the PC, all the tweets, all the bullshit, you can tell me this shit
all day, but I got a focus group right here.
Dude, I saved a body positivity meme that someone tried to get out there for
men with guts.
Oh, yeah.
It was like a fat men, your body's beautiful.
Right.
Like, get the fuck out of here.
They were trying it.
But you know this is not going to work.
It's not going to work.
This is not going to work.
Yeah.
It only works on females.
It's true.
It's true.
Big is beautiful.
It's never about Chris Christie.
Jesus.
You know, it's about Lena Dunham or whoever the fuck.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Well, there's, you know, it's, it's, and the feeling that they're getting from
this is a supportive feeling from other females.
Men.
Right.
Would never support you for being a fat fuck.
Never.
Never.
Never.
They're never like, yeah, bro, who cares, man?
Right.
You look awesome with your fat gut.
Like, never.
Which is actually healthier.
I mean, it's a little meaner out of the gate, but at least we're being honest.
We're keeping it real.
Yeah, or we're not letting them get away with something.
Yeah, there you go.
I mean.
That's what I'm saying.
Your friends, if they love you, they're not going to let you get away with that.
They're like, bro, you are fat as fuck.
Yeah.
And you're like, no, really?
Like, look at you.
Yeah.
And that's a friendly thing.
Yes.
You know, like if I had a fat son and Corona was hitting, I would be like, hey
man, like, I don't care what you look like.
You can do your thing and eat all the chocolate you want, but I'm worried you'll
get hit with the COVID more because you're fat.
And you will.
And you will.
Statistically.
And then people are like, hey, you can't talk to him like that.
I'm like, I'm worried about my son.
Fuck you.
He could die.
If it's a woman, you'd be body shaming.
But when they try to say it's body shaming on a man, it doesn't really stick.
Right.
It doesn't.
It doesn't stick.
It doesn't stick.
It doesn't stick.
Yeah.
What's going on here?
Kelly Clarkson's ex.
That was the one.
That was the one.
Brandon Blackstock seeking six-figure monthly payments.
Pow, pow!
Wow.
Six figures.
How long were they married?
He wants 5.2 million a year.
Damn.
A year.
A year.
He also requested Clarkson cover $2 million in attorney's fees.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Oh, my God.
That's insane.
This guy's killing it.
That's insane.
Blackstock.
But here's the thing.
The difference.
There's a great difference.
Seven-year marriage.
That's great.
Seven-year.
But here's the.
Is he taking care of the children?
Aha.
Do they have children together?
That is the question.
135 of the 436 was for child support.
He needs child support money from her.
On top of the 301 and spousalers.
She's probably on the road a lot.
She's a singer.
Was he like the manager or some shit?
Was it one of those deals?
Because those deals get real tricky.
When the man becomes the manager and then it's very difficult for the woman to
get away from the manager.
That's like in boyfriend-girlfriend deals where the girlfriend's a singer or in
husband-wife.
Yeah, or the dad.
Was he?
Google says he is an American talent manager.
Oh, there you go.
You called it, Betty.
If there was any question that some of those motherfuckers or Weasley, those
numbers, show you.
Yeah, definitely.
Just to request that.
Oh, my God.
You want how much?
I know.
All that management.
Joe Jackson was a psycho.
And I think Jessica Simpson's dad was a real weirdo.
He never obtained a license to legally operate as a talent agent, according to...
Of course not.
He was fucking the client.
He didn't have to.
Yeah, there you go.
Right?
That's awkward.
You're married to the client.
You don't need a license.
She was with his company for 13 years, though.
Damn!
That's pretty binding.
Half of the time that they were...
Unlucky number.
Whatever.
Well, then there's the question, right?
Like, when a management company and talent are together, how much of the talent's
success is due to the management, and how much of the talent's success is due
just to the person being talented?
Mm-hmm.
And is it quantifiable?
Now, this is where I could speak, because I have the same manager that I had
when I was an open mic comedian.
Wow, that's rare.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, I met Sussman, and I was...
I think I was 24.
I was, like, 23 or 24.
And I was terrible.
I was an open mic-er.
Yeah, we all were.
I was driving a limo.
I mean, but I had a few good jokes.
I could kill, like, occasionally.
You know, I could catch a good wave when I was loose.
And just randomly, he was in Boston looking for comedians, and he had set up a
bunch of meetings to see all these different headliners, local headliners on
stage.
And I didn't know he was there.
I didn't know anything was going on.
I was driving limos, and I called the owner up, and I asked him.
I said, I had a funny idea.
Could I do five minutes tonight?
Because he was already giving me some spots, and I was emceeing some shows.
I go, I got this bit.
I think it's going to work.
I think I got something.
And I went up, and I opened with it.
I remember it did get a laugh.
What?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was like, I wish I could remember the bit, but it was a bit that actually
worked.
I was like, yes, it's real.
And then I was real loose, and then I went into some of my old stuff, and I got
off stage, and this guy handed me a business card, like a fucking movie.
Wow.
The 80s, man.
It was like, he goes, I'm a manager, and I'd love to talk to you and see you do
more sets.
Yeah.
And I did one next door, across the street, like the next night, and then I
went to New York, like maybe two weeks later, and did a bunch of sets for him
in New York.
Jeez.
Catch a Rising Star, and then next thing you know, I was living in New York.
Wow.
Did you fuck him?
No.
All right.
Still, to this day, never fucked him.
But that's unheard of.
So with that kind of a situation, like that guy and Chandra, my other manager,
they're responsible for a giant part of my success.
Yeah.
Because I know them so well, and I've been with them so much, and I trust them,
and I love them, and it's like we have a friendship as well as like a working
relationship.
So in that case, yeah, they're like, it's, you know, like some people don't
like giving the money to their managers.
Yeah, it sucks.
You know, it kind of bugs them.
I hate it.
Give this fucking guy a piece.
Especially when they don't get it for you.
Yeah.
If they get it, here, have at it.
But I don't have that feeling at all.
For me, it's like that's the only way it works.
And they supported you in all the tough times?
All the wackiness.
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, all the wackiness.
And they, I mean, none of them thought the fucking podcast was ever going to be
anything.
No one did.
Podcasting 10 years ago was a joke.
My manager would go, what are you crazy?
There's no money in that.
Go do Fallon.
I'm like, that's $1,100, and nobody watches it.
I'd rather do this and build something.
Well, if you have money already, like from other stuff and other sources, you
recognize that there's a fun and a freedom to internet shit.
Yeah.
Where you could just kind of like, but no one was watching.
Right.
So when we were doing it, like if you go watch the early ones, there's very
little thought process to like how entertaining it is.
Well, you got to start somewhere.
Yeah.
We're just fucking around.
Yeah.
Like for our own fun.
Right.
And some of it's going to be enjoyable and some of it's not.
But it's funny because the guys you had on then, I re-listened to some really
old ones.
I was like on a road trip and I was like, oh, let's throw this on Rogan number
18 or whatever.
And it's guys who are kind of big now, but weren't then.
And it's fun to hear them.
They're way more loosey-goosey in the early days because you had nothing.
You were just more yourself and you weren't a business yet.
Yeah.
Well, that's what everybody's worried about, the blowback.
I know.
Just being a comic.
They're worried about, you know, the negative response from saying the wrong
thing.
Right.
If we don't keep joking about the wrong thing.
Yep.
I just joke about all the wrong things just because I want to have too many
things to find.
If we don't keep joking about the wrong things, then the idea of joking about
the wrong things will go away.
I agree.
If you see Quentin Tarantino as a movie where a woman gets her fucking brains
bashed into a fireplace mantelpiece, right?
Yeah.
Do you get mad at that or do you think that's part of the film?
Do you think that this is endorsing violence?
No, you think it's a kind of weird art where this craziness is happening.
But for whatever reason, because a stand-up is on stage by themselves and they
wrote this by themselves, they're not given that same sort of leeway.
Yeah.
You can't just fuck around about something and say something you don't really
mean, but it's outrageous and you're not supposed to say it.
Sure.
That's the reason why it's funny is because you're saying something you're not
supposed to say.
I agree because also there's layers to a movie.
With a comic, you can just yell at you.
I can just yell at Mark Norman.
You know, he said this.
I have a clip of him.
Look at this piece of shit saying this about, you know, special needs Downsy
kids or whatever.
Right.
But then with the Tarantino, it's a director, it's a filmmaker, there's actors
involved and he was a writer.
So there's so many different tackles.
Even rap music.
Yeah.
Rap music.
There's a lot of rap music that's talking about violence and shooting people
and robbing people.
And we sing along.
Yeah.
We sing along to the worst day of someone's life.
It's a great beat.
It goes a long way.
I mean, think about, give me the loot, give me the loot.
Sing along to that song.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't listen to Asian music.
That's a biggie.
Oh, okay.
But also they're saying crazy shit about women and women are singing it.
Kicking the door, waving the four-four.
All you heard was, Papa, don't hit me no more.
That's a song.
That's cultural appropriation.
That's a song about beating someone up when you're holding a gun to them.
Yeah.
There's a lot of that.
And everybody's like, yo.
Oh, yeah.
Love it.
I love it.
I love that song.
I love it too.
I'm nutting your eye while we're in the sky.
There's all kinds of stuff that women are singing it at the club.
And you're like, you know what he's saying, right?
Right.
But, yeah, there's weird rules today.
But the art form of saying outrageous shit that you don't really mean is my
favorite thing to watch.
I agree.
So if you tell me that we can't do that anymore, I got to, no.
Yeah, you're going to be upset and you're not going to like it.
You don't have to go.
But if you're telling me that, you know, like Louis C.K. is a great example of
that, like, people kind of weren't paying attention or conveniently forgot.
So when he got in trouble.
Yeah, that's true.
And then he came back to do stand-up.
He was doing stand-up the way he always did stand-up.
Of course.
It's the same thing.
Say horrible shit that you don't really mean.
You're not supposed to say it, but it's very funny to say it.
It was brilliant back then.
And that's what he does.
That's what he's always done.
He had a joke about 9-11 and jerking off between the two towers falling.
And it got an applause break.
Yeah.
And then he talks about Parkland.
Everybody's like, he's a monster.
I'm like, he's the same fucking bald ginger douche.
Exactly.
Exactly.
I had a gig.
But here's the thing about the censoring and all that.
It makes a lot of people feel good joking about this horrible shit.
So everybody's like, you're hurting people.
I'm like, yeah, but other people are enjoying it too.
So it's like hot sauce.
If it hurts your tongue, just don't eat it.
And it's the same with horrific jokes.
I did a show in PA a couple days ago or a couple nights ago.
And I did a couple wheelchair jokes about people in wheelchairs making fun of
them.
And I get off stage and I'm selling merch.
And this lady rolls up in a wheelchair.
And I was like, oh, shit.
I didn't see her the whole show.
And I was like, oh, fuck.
This is going to be bad.
Oh, man.
And she was like, I loved it.
I love the wheelchair stuff.
Thank you.
Everybody treats me like an idiot.
And I was like, oh, thank God.
And then I pushed her down some stairs.
But yeah, it's just some people enjoy it.
So she's like, don't treat me like an idiot.
I mean, remember the special needs kid in gym class?
You made fun of everybody but him.
Yeah.
That's the ultimate insult.
Yeah.
And it feels weird to do that with people.
I'm not going to talk about black people because that's it.
Be careful.
Yeah.
So like, say just excluding them.
I mean, they exist.
Be careful.
Yeah.
I'm just saying.
No, no.
I know what you're saying.
But that's one of those things.
It's like making fun of things was always part of the way people coped with
stuff.
Yeah.
And making fun of things you're not supposed to say was always like, I can't
fucking believe
this guy.
Right.
It was fun.
It was fun to see.
I mean, that was Dice Clay's entire career.
That was a big part of Sam Kinison's career.
And Carlin.
Piss, fuck, motherfucker, and tits.
That was his big hit for a while.
That was his Hot Pockets.
There's so many versions of that with so many different great comics that we
all love and
went to see.
Now, if you told those people they can't say things that are offensive to
really sensitive
people, we're all fucked.
Right.
Now we all miss out on some of the best bits ever.
I know.
I had an argument with a guy who was telling me that comedy punches up always.
That good comedy punches up.
Oh, that's silly.
I talked to him about the Sam Kinison bit about starving kids in Africa.
Great bit.
Which is one of the all-time greatest bits.
Sure.
And it's the most punchy downy bit of all time.
Yeah.
He's making fun of babies that are starving.
Yes.
Like, what could possibly be more punched down than that?
Right.
And different things are up to different people.
Punching up.
Like, Colin Quinn is the best line.
He's like, it's not punching up, it's not punching down.
It's all play fighting.
Yeah.
So you've got to stop putting these levels and hierarchies on people on victimhood.
It's about play fighting.
I'm batting you.
I'm batting you.
That's it.
Here's what happened.
Everyone who got on social media, everyone has the ability to comment on things.
And some of the people commenting on things are not good at comedy.
Yes.
A lot of them.
A lot of them.
Most of them.
There's a lot of them that are comics that are commenting on it.
Yeah.
And they're not good at comedy.
They're comics, but they're passable.
Sure.
They don't do well.
They don't have thriving careers.
And their act is...
Right, right.
Sometimes it's okay.
You know, I'm not, like, being totally objective.
Yeah.
Maybe they could have put a little more work in.
Maybe they could have figured it out better.
Maybe they could have...
Whatever's wrong, whatever, you know, it just, sometimes it doesn't work out
for people.
Yeah, yeah.
Those are the loudest voices against very successful, outrageous guys like Louie
or like Joey Diaz
or like many of the other ones that people get mad at for bits.
It's just new, though, the comics attacking comics.
It's not good.
That's not good.
And when I started, that wasn't even a thought.
No.
You'd be like, wait, what are you doing?
You know why I said that horrible thing.
I'm trying to get a laugh here.
But it's never guys like Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle or, you know, it's never
Bill Burr
attacking comics.
No.
No.
No.
I'm with you.
It's all very strange.
It's comics that are like...
Right.
And some of them I even like, which is a real problem.
Yeah.
Like I like them as a human being.
I see them.
I want to hug them.
They're nice.
They're like...
But, you know, all of us inside are filled with turmoil and insecurity.
We're flawed.
We're human.
And weirdness.
Yeah.
All humans.
And I think comics more so than any of us.
Right?
That's what led people to take the abuse of bombing on stage and keep going.
But some people, they just harbor this resentment for all the bad feelings that
the art form has
provided with them.
And they somehow or another, those bad feelings of not getting the success they
felt they deserved
or not achieving the heights or the accolades that they thought they needed,
they should have gotten.
They'll fucking internalize the negativity of the art form.
Right.
And that's what they want to concentrate on all the time.
Right, right.
Instead of like, what a great thing to be able to do for a living.
I know.
We're so lucky.
It's such a beautiful thing.
And why would you ruin it by getting mad at a guy who said retard?
Yeah.
This is your life?
And also, like, four million sperm didn't make it.
You made it.
And this is how you're going to spend it?
On Twitter?
Tweeting and twatting?
A lot of people are unhappy, man.
And Twitter is a magnifying glass for that.
People are normally unhappy.
I mean, we went through the Crusades and the Depression and, you know, Vietnam,
Civil Rights,
whatever.
It's just, everybody's unhappy.
We're all going through shit.
Just weird to attack and pile on.
Like, why would you make more shit?
Well, it's just, it hasn't been explained to some people or they have a
different opinion
of it than we do.
Like, there's a lot of people that say things that I don't like, but I don't, I
don't have
time.
And comics that say things that I just don't think are very funny.
I don't have time.
And I have no inclination whatsoever.
I have no desire to go shit on their act.
No, that's crazy.
It's crazy.
They're trying.
At least they're trying.
Bro, it's a weird thing.
And sometimes it takes people forever to figure out how to do it right.
Well, some people just, if you don't have it, you don't have it.
That's true, too.
That, no one wants to mention that.
That's another part about comedy that's tough is no one ever goes, you know
what?
You suck.
And I know you're mad at everybody.
I know you hate the business.
You hate funny, successful people, but you're just not good.
You know, they go, hey, it's because I'm this.
It's because I'm that.
But also, have you heard any laughs?
Isn't that weird when a comic gets off stage and it was a complete bomb?
They're like, all right, what are we doing after?
I'm like, you don't hate yourself right now?
I would be in the bathroom shitting my brains out crying.
Ah, I never got that.
Like, you should be upset.
You should be at least thinking about it.
One time I did a gig and I was the middle act.
Host killed.
I bombed.
Headliner annihilated.
And I was shitting.
It was at the Denver Comedy Works.
This was years ago.
I was shitting.
And I was in the stall and I heard two guys washing their hands.
And one of them goes, how about that host, huh?
And he goes, oh, man, so funny.
And he goes, how about the headliner?
And he was like, oh, unbelievable.
And he goes, what'd you think of the middle guy?
And I was like, oh, you know, my pants are down, the most vulnerable position.
And I went, I thought he was pretty good.
And they went, ah, he sucked.
He sucked.
And then they left.
And I was like, oh, I did suck.
Crushed me.
Crushed me.
I'll never forget that.
But if you don't experience that bad feeling, you're not going to work hard
enough to keep going.
Yeah, yeah.
If you just take that and you say, that audience was filled with assholes.
Yeah, there's a lot of that.
Yeah.
They didn't respect me.
They don't get me.
They don't get me.
They want to hear dumb comedy.
They want to hear stupid jokes.
They're all right.
Yeah.
There's something about them that's wrong.
It's not me.
Right, right.
That's what people do.
Look, man, people do that in relationships.
They do that in friendships.
They do that at work.
A lot of blaming.
Look, there's a lot of people that get fired from their job, and then they just
want to
say, like, you know, I was discriminated against.
They didn't like, no, no, no, they didn't like you.
Yeah, that's it.
They don't want you in the office.
That's it.
You remember the guy who used to go up to a girl and hit on her, and she'd go,
no, thanks.
And he'd go, fucking dyke.
And you're like, maybe she just doesn't like you.
Like, every girl's got to want to fuck you.
That's a dark thing when you see that for men.
Yeah.
I think that, again, comes from the same kind of thing that we're talking about
with comedy,
that a lot of people in their head, they don't think about how lucky they are
to be a comic.
They think of, like, how fucking just so filled my life with frustration and
fuck,
and it's because of these fucks and that fuck, and I didn't get where I wanted
to be
because of fucks like you that, like, fucks like him or fucks like her.
I think that's the same thing with almost everything.
Yeah.
I agree.
You know, this, like, weird way of re-looking at things to, like, align it with
yourself
and, like, make yourself look good.
It just feels better.
It's just easier on your psyche, you know?
It's the same with religion.
It just feels better knowing there's some guy in the sky, and then heaven's
this great
after party where everybody's hanging out and happy.
It's easier.
Yeah.
I know that's a big jump from comedy to heaven, but, uh, I don't know.
Religion, it's...
I'm jealous of them.
That feeling that you get, though, that you were talking about, that is
critical.
That feeling of just awfulness.
Yeah, that should be innate.
It should be there.
Why don't you feel bad about that set?
I mean, this is your job.
It's the worst feeling.
Yeah, like, even if the crowd is a bunch of mooks on Long Island or some
country club,
you should still try to figure out a way to get them.
You're the entertainment for the night.
They paid.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I find that strange when people are just upset, aren't upset that they bombed.
Well, it's like, that's protecting them.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Yeah, I mean, but that, you gotta, people gotta realize that that protecting
thing doesn't work.
You pay the price.
You just pay the price in mediocrity.
If you don't hate things that you do that suck, then you don't feel that sting
of bombing.
Yeah.
And if you don't feel that sting of bombing, you don't recognize the urgency.
Like, you're at the precipice of, like, falling into an abyss of sucking.
Yeah, yeah.
You better pull yourself out and write some better shit and approach the set
differently.
But if you're one of those guys that can pretend and, like, oh, it was good.
I thought it was good.
Yeah.
You're fucked.
Fucked.
You're fucked.
Internalize it.
It all, the energy has to go somewhere.
Right.
If you just pretend and put that wall up, well, it's, then you're not gonna get
the good out
of it because you're not gonna have the juice.
Right.
You're not gonna have that horrible feeling.
You're gonna sleep like a baby tonight.
Exactly.
Meanwhile, I'll have, I'll fuck up one word and I'll be, I'll take a piss at
three in the morning
going, fuck!
Exactly!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I do that all the time.
Bro.
Oh, man.
I mean, many, many red roof ends showering going, oh, why did I say that
fucking riff?
That was horrible.
I hate myself.
But that's why you're good.
The, the, the, the hate of the bad stuff, like, you're the one who knows it
more than
anybody because there's no surprises for you.
Right.
You're the one who's act, you have to hear every fucking day and there's no
surprises.
Yeah.
Occasionally you riff a surprise.
Yeah.
And when you riff a surprise, you get a little ju- joke.
Yes, yes.
Like, oh, a little joke from me.
Exactly.
I get a little juice from that.
Yay!
Right, right.
But most of the time, you don't get the laughs.
Yeah.
The laughs are coming your way because you're orchestrating it well, but you're
not laughing.
Yes.
Very rarely.
Very, and you know your instrument better than anybody.
Yeah.
You're calibrated.
So when somebody goes, sounded good to me, and you still know, I wasn't there,
it wasn't
great.
It's all how you feel.
Exactly.
And don't let them change it.
No, you killed, you killed.
And some people go, yeah, maybe I did.
Exactly.
But no, you got to stay the course and know you suck.
Well, some people don't like that feeling, so they start blaming other people.
They start blaming the audience.
Yes.
They start blaming this.
And it's natural.
That's a natural thing to do.
But it's anti-growth.
You can't do it that way.
Anti-growth.
It'll fuck you up.
That's good.
For that sacrifice, for that good feeling of dishonesty, that feeling where you're
like,
yeah, fuck them, that you could turn your anger on external sources.
Yeah.
You're ruining your opportunity for growth.
I agree.
But you got a little gift right there.
You got a little gift of eating shit.
Yes.
You got to take that little gift and just remember it.
I mean, what have you done with weightlifting?
Ah, that was too hard.
These weights suck.
Fuck this gym.
Patriarchy.
COVID is actually a great motivator, because people keep trying to bring it
down, and it's
just, it's still killing.
It's like, it's impressive.
Like, COVID's got haters up the ass, and he's like, fuck you.
I'm still going.
Everybody's talking about me.
I'm a household name.
I'm universal.
COVID's huge.
That's a great way to look at, I look at COVID, I'm like, I got to be more like
COVID.
Hated everywhere?
Well, not hated, but I'm just saying like that kind of, that kind of drive.
I'm not pro-COVID.
Hang on here, folks.
Working out material.
I'm just saying like, it's, it's, it's impressive how COVID just keeps going.
It's like a, a lot of us could be a little more like COVID.
Right?
Still going.
Everybody's trying to take him down.
He won't, he won't, he won't fall.
The vaccine's going to come along.
You taking it?
Put a hole in the sails.
It depends on how many people get the Bell's palsy right now.
Oh.
Only four out of like 20,000 people that took it in England.
Right?
Is it 20,000 people?
Four is amazing.
I mean, that's better than aspirin.
Unless it's you.
Uh-huh.
And then you can't do stand-up for a long time.
I don't think I'm going to win the lottery, and I'm applying that same logic to
the Bell's.
Do you know who got that for a little bit?
Dom Herrera had it for a little bit.
It went away.
It went away?
Yeah.
Yeah, it goes away.
You get it, and then it can go away.
Yeah.
Wow.
When you're a comic, for like months, you can't do stand-up, because half your
face doesn't
work.
Yikes.
Yeah.
And they don't know why.
They don't know what's...
Really?
Yeah.
That's the scariest when doctors are like, we don't know.
Yeah.
My buddy's kid got it from Lyme disease.
Mmm.
Yeah, he got Lyme disease, and all of a sudden, he had Bell's palsies.
He was a young kid, too.
I believe at the time, he was seven.
Is that from a tick?
Yep.
Oh, jeez.
That's terrifying.
What about Sly Stallone?
Does he have Bell's, or is he just like that?
No.
When he was born, the doctor fucked his face up.
What?
He had like a forceps, like grabbed his face.
No way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I never knew that.
Yeah, it's a well-known story.
Damn.
Yeah.
Well, good for him.
Hey, yo.
Hey, yo.
Hey, yo.
Yeah, that's not Bell's palsy.
But back to the bombing feeling, let me just say this.
Please.
I have that in regular life, too.
Like, you know when a guy's at the gym with his music playing loudly?
I'm like, who could do that?
Right.
I'm so concerned about everybody's feelings and how I perceive everybody hating
me that
I'm like, I could never do that.
And I'm almost like jealous of the guy.
And I feel the same.
It's like the same with comedy, where I walk off and I'm like, oh, that was bad.
If I was the loud music at the gym guy, I would walk around going, ooh, that
was dumb.
What was I thinking?
I was so inconsiderate and selfish.
Dude, I hate everything I do.
I hate when I do ads.
Jamie will tell you.
Oh, yeah?
I do my ads, and halfway into the ads, I'm like, fuck, fucking cunt.
God, I suck at this.
Yeah.
I just start yelling at myself.
That's a good way to be, though.
I mean, Jay Leno said it best.
Self-esteem is underrated.
Or low self-esteem.
Yeah.
Low self-esteem is, wait.
Low self-esteem is underrated.
Thank you.
Yeah.
There's something to it.
There's something to it.
And I don't think it's that.
It's just a ruthless examination without any charity.
It's not low self-esteem.
I don't have low self-esteem, but I ruthlessly examine everything I do with no
charity.
Right.
I don't give myself any breaks.
Yeah.
Because, I mean, it's not healthy if you can't.
It's not healthy.
But I can handle it.
But on paper, you should be the biggest cum-guzzling douche on the planet.
I mean, like, just your track record and everything.
You know, like, you do the UFC.
You got the biggest pod.
You're a huge stand-up.
You got a ton of money.
You got every car you want.
You know, all these celebs.
You got J-Mo here.
I mean, you're killing it.
And so, on paper, you could just sit back and go, I'm great.
I made it.
Everything's perfect.
I got a wife.
I got kids I love.
I got a handsome dog.
On paper, you're knocking it out of the park.
But you're still hating yourself with the ad reads.
You have to.
Yeah.
Fucking ad reads.
Ad reads.
Yelling at myself for fucking up a Stamps.com ad read.
Yeah.
It's inevitable.
That's a good way to be, though.
I don't think there's any other way to be because that's how I always was.
So, if I always was that and if I had changed upon success, that means that
somehow or another I've perfected anything.
I've never perfected anything.
I haven't perfected any of the things that I like to do.
So, then I'm always trying to do better.
So, if I'm always trying to do better, why would I like any of the shit that I'm
doing?
I agree.
I should always be trying to get it better.
But I think you're in the minority.
I think most people get one glimmer of some success or some money or fame, and
they just go off the rails.
But I think that's the same thing that we were talking about.
That's what they do to protect themselves.
Then, instead of concentrating on the work, now they're concentrating on accolades
they deserve.
Yeah.
Now, they're going mommy dearest on you.
Now, they want all the love and all the attention.
But your work suffers.
I agree.
You can't do that.
First of all, it's not wise to do it as a person because I don't think it's a
healthy way to look at things.
Like, if you're playing a game and all of a sudden you win the game and you're
ahead, do you change your opinion of yourself because of some stupid fucking
game?
No, you've got to look at it for what it is.
Yes.
And if it's an art form like stand-up, it demands that you pay attention, that
you're honest.
Yeah.
If you're not doing that, you're not going to get better.
So, all the people that wind up wanting more than they – you get what you
fucking deserve.
I know.
This is what's weird.
If it doesn't work, it'll show up.
Yeah.
You get what you deserve.
Yeah, the results.
Like, it's a real meritocracy in a lot of ways.
It doesn't seem even sometimes.
Like, sometimes maybe you aren't getting attention when you should, but it
always balances itself out with consistency and constant work.
And just the people get the word out.
Right, right.
It's a real meritocracy in that way.
I think that's why sports and, like, UFC, I love watching because it's just
like, that guy got punched in the face, he lost, and he goes, ah, I should have
dodged, I should have ducked, or I should have parried, or whatever it is.
And it's just so A to B, where everything else is complain and blame other
people.
It's just fun to see, like, I fucked up there and I lost.
Well, that's why I always love the game of pool, because the game of pool is
absolute.
The ball either goes into the hole or it does not.
Uh-huh.
And you can find a lot of reasons why the ball doesn't go in the hole.
And a lot of guys who are, they would lose a lot at pool.
Yeah.
They decided there was reasons why.
The table's slanted.
Yeah.
The stick sucks.
I don't have my stick, man.
It was always excuses.
They got, somebody distracted them, or, you know, this guy's on drugs and that's
why he's playing so good, or the balls won't roll for me today, I'm getting bad
rolls, like, this is bullshit, I got shit luck.
Yeah.
Like, there's always a reason why they don't do well.
Right, right.
You know?
And you can see it, it's like, it's a denial of the reality of your
circumstance.
Like, you're just not as good at this game as this other person who just beat
you.
Yeah.
And they could probably beat you a hundred out of a hundred times.
Like, they're better than you.
Yeah.
And the way to get better is to concentrate and play.
But some people don't want to do that.
They just want to complain.
Mm-hmm.
But the thing about the pool is it didn't give a fuck who hit the ball.
Yes.
Yes.
There's no charisma involved, no personality.
It's just like a, it's just physics.
This ball, click, hits that ball, and this ball rolls into the side pocket, and
you win.
Exactly.
It bobbles, and it hangs there, and you missed.
Right.
That's life.
Exactly.
Which is the same with stand-up.
I mean, even if you're the biggest celebrity, the most loved guy, after a
couple minutes,
they're like, we love you, we're going to give you a big ovation, but that shit
ain't funny.
Yeah, we need material.
I need something.
We need real shit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They need real things.
You would watch guys come to the store that were like big TV stars, and they
would go on
stage, Kramer, and they would go on stage, and-
He's got great material.
Immediately, the audience would love that they're there.
Yeah.
And then they would realize, after a while, you can't just take 10 years off,
or whatever
you've done, and just jump on stage with no act, and hope your charisma is
going to get
you through it, when you're following Bill Burr, and Ali Wong, and whoever the
fuck else
is up there murdering it.
You have to have an act, man.
Yeah, yeah.
It doesn't matter how famous you are.
I agree.
Seinfeld, as famous as he is, as beloved as he is, he's got 30 seconds.
Yep, yep.
Walks in that club.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jerry Seinfeld.
Holy shit, we're going to get to see Jerry Seinfeld.
This is amazing.
This is great.
Wow.
What a great surprise guest.
Yeah, and then-
And then it wears off, and then he's got to do the work.
He's got to kill it.
Yeah.
It's like when a hot girl tells a story.
You know, everybody's like, oh, look at this lady talking.
Wow, she's a looker, and then you're like, this story fucking sucks.
This story sucks.
But she's probably been pampered her whole life and told her, everybody says,
you're great,
you're hot, you know.
That's the saddest thing in the world, a really hot girl with boring stories.
Oh, man, I think that's L.A.
People have been lying to you forever.
Well, that's the thing, right?
That's why when you run into a hot girl who's really smart and is a great
conversationalist.
Oh, you're in Canada at that point, because they don't have that here.
I mean, come on.
You know, you meet a smoking hot lady, and she's like, I have an engineering
degree, and
I invented this conveyor belt, and I got a patent, and you're like, what?
Oh, I'm in Montreal.
Yeah, I work in a children's hospital, a surgeon, and you're like, what are you
saying?
Right, right.
Not here.
Yeah, that's hilarious.
Yeah, it's just-
It's true.
Well, it may be here, not L.A.
Yeah, that's the whole thing about the Instagram ladies, you know, the hot-ass
models and all
that.
I'm like, what are you going to do when you're-
50?
51, yeah.
Be the hot, older Instagram model.
I guess, but isn't that also weird?
Like, feminists must hate them, because it's all like, don't objectify and all
that.
I'm like, well, that's what she's putting out there, so what do I do here?
Here's the problem with feminism.
Oh, boy.
This is a problem.
Okay.
That's a woman, too.
That's her choice.
That's her choice to do it.
No man is looking at bodybuilders and saying, like, a guy who's got big muscles
and lifts
weights online, no man is looking at him and saying, what you're doing is bad
for masculinity.
Right, right.
What you're doing is bad for men.
We don't give a shit.
Yeah, we don't care.
I'm trying to get my stuff going.
If you have, like, CrossFit exercises on your Instagram page, and you're doing
cleans
and presses, men don't look at that and go, oh, you're getting attention for
that.
You know how bad that is for masculinity?
Right.
You know how bad that is for the opinion that women have of us?
They already look at us like we're meathead idiots.
Right.
And this is what you're going to fill your page with?
Squats?
Really?
Yeah.
Really do better.
Right.
I hate to do better, but yeah, that's true.
The future is female.
Well, tell that to Ellen Page.
What goes back to that, yeah, well, it's Elliot, you dead name, piece of shit.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oh, I forgot that was a thing.
There's a name for everything now.
Yeah.
That's a fun time.
Yeah.
It's a fun time to be offended.
But that's one thing.
I think when you focus on your group too much, you're already fucked.
Like, I'm an Italian guy, and I think this, and we got to stick to it, and I'm
a woman,
and I'm a black guy, and I'm a gay guy.
It's like, just do your shit and kill it, and then everything will fall into
place.
Don't worry about what group you're in.
I know, obviously, some people have to make groups to protect themselves.
Well, you get a free, like, stack of coins.
It's identity politics.
In identity politics, you get a free stack of coins if you go in with an
identity.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Like, if you walk in, like, you walk in the conversation as a woman from India.
Yes.
Like, you get a stack of coins right away.
You get a little stack, and you identify as a woman from India.
Now, these other women from India, like, oh, she's one of us.
Yeah.
Oh, she's on the team.
Right.
If you just want to go in there as a human being.
Yeah, just be jug dish.
You get...
Why do you need the group?
You get no stack.
Ah.
You don't start off...
You want a stack.
Oh, that's interesting.
You don't start off with a stack of coins.
You've got to earn all your coins.
Right.
Right?
So identity politics, in a lot of ways, is people, they want, first of all,
there's people that
want equality, and they don't want to be marginalized, and they want people to
treat them, they want
people to treat them well.
So they go into it saying, like, look, I am also, like, gay people.
I'm also a person who's gay, and I just think we're just people, and I
represent gay people,
because I want you to know that we're just people.
That's one way of doing it.
But some people don't do that.
They go into it as someone who's already oppressed, and here's, I want my stack
of coins.
Right.
I want my stack of coins, because I'm in this group, and first of all, you need
to check
your privilege before you talk to me, okay, because you're not in this group,
and I'm
in this group, and I've got a stack of coins, right?
And so, like, if you're, like, a white man, and I'm not like, oh, my God, you're
defending
white men.
Right, right.
No, I'm defending human beings.
Yeah.
If you're a white male today, like, you come into the game with the lowest
stack of coins.
But we used to have a high stack.
But you still have a lot of advantages.
That's what I'm saying.
And everybody knows you still have a lot of advantages.
But the people who don't have the advantages that you have, they want to let
you know and
show you their stack of coins.
Right.
But my thing is, show me some results or some worth.
If you get a free ride, if you get a free stack of coins, because of whatever
you come
to the game with, whatever identity, whether it's a nationality, or a gender,
or a sexual
preference, if you really have that and you use that, it's the same thing as
someone who's
not really paying attention to their act.
It's like you don't, you're relying on this crutch.
Yeah.
Work on you, not the identity.
But it's like, you are who you are, whether you like it or not.
Exactly.
But if that's all you're concentrating on, is who you are, like, we've got a
problem.
And then it comes full circle when it all doesn't work out, because they never
worked
hard.
And then they go, oh, it's because I'm that thing.
And so there we go, it all self-fulfills.
And if you can't find people, that's one of the beautiful things about the
comedy community,
is they don't give a fuck what you are.
If you're funny, you're in.
I never thought about it before when I was a kid loving comedy.
And now I think about it all the time, and how is that progress?
You know what I'm saying?
I used to be like, oh, Paula Poundstone's hilarious, or Ellen is funny, or
Richard Pryor
is funny.
I wasn't like, I love this black guy.
Right.
You know?
And now I think, hey, I'm laughing at this black guy.
How cool am I?
I'm progressive.
But I'm like, isn't that worse?
Isn't it better to just see him as a guy?
I think it's like an intermediate step to people realizing how stupid it is,
and then
eventually going to the best version of just a person.
The best version of it.
So we get through all the pitfalls of identity politics, all the pitfalls of
people wanting
their stack of coins, and being real aggressive about whatever they are, even
though what
their art form is is fucking mediocre and nonsense, because they're not really
about that.
They're about getting as many coins as they can for who they are.
Yeah.
Right?
We get through that, realize that doesn't work, and then on the other end of it,
you get,
wouldn't it be better if everybody's just cool to everybody?
It'd be nice.
That'd be it.
And then eventually, more people realize that than realize it now.
Yes.
Now, people don't want to get called out.
Right.
So they're very scared of being called out and shamed for the lack of respect
for identity
politics.
Right.
It's funny.
You go to every green room in America, and it's you and a bunch of douchebag
comics going,
we don't think any of this, right?
And they go, oh, God, no.
I'm just terrified to say what I really think online.
And you're like, all right, all right, I'm not crazy.
But the worst is when you see comics, like, just virtue signaling.
It's very strange.
Just calling out to the mob and asking, you know, like, look at what I'm saying.
I think, like, the most progressive person alive, you know, I got a bunch of cunt
jokes
that I'm sitting on.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Ready to break out with.
I know.
I wonder if that will come back, like, you know, 10 years.
Kevin Hart said gay or whatever, and he gets in trouble.
I wonder if in 10 years, it's going to flip the other way.
Like, hey, 10 years ago, he said hashtag men suck.
I mean, that's a little sexist and, you know, whatever.
I hope the comics do it themselves.
I hope they realize themselves.
It'd be nice.
I assume people are laying in bed at night going, like, what am I doing on
Twitter?
You know Bridget Phetasy?
Do you know Bridget?
Yeah, she's funny.
Hilarious.
Good Twitterer.
She's the best.
Maybe one of the best follows on Twitter.
But just great on podcasts, too.
I love her on her own.
I love her when she's on this one.
But she's, like, she's one of the best examples of someone who she writes about
things exactly the way she sees them.
And she goes hard in the paint.
Right.
Like, nobody reads her tweets and goes, oh, she's pretty funny for a chick.
She's pretty insightful for a chick.
No, that never crossed my mind.
No.
Only just, you look at it, it's just only funny as a guy.
That's all we want.
As a girl.
We don't give a shit who it is.
As a human.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I remember as a kid watching Mel Brooks movies and being like, this lady's
hilarious.
And it was Madeline Kahn.
She was so funny to me.
And I never thought, like, I like this funny lady.
It was just, she was funny.
And now it's just forced down your throat.
Hey, you gotta love women.
Women are funny.
You're like, all right, all right.
I had a point about Bridget and I forgot what that fucking was.
Oh, shit.
I stepped on you with Kahn.
I smoked weed.
I smoked weed before this show.
God damn it.
Weed is great and it's terrible at the same time.
It'll cloud your mind.
It will open doors of your mind.
But then the breeze goes through and knocks on the door shut.
And you're like, what happened?
Well, you let in the breeze.
You let in that weed breeze.
I wish I liked weed.
I see all my friends toking all day and eating brownies and shit.
And I'm like, I would be ruined if I did that.
What were we talking about right before I brought her up?
Ah, shit.
Chug dish.
Chug dish.
The Indian lady.
Cunt jokes.
Yeah.
We're all in a green room jizzing on each other with the truth.
And everybody's on Twitter and full of shit.
I had it right there.
I started saying her name because she says whatever she wants on Twitter.
Yeah, but there was a reason.
I had a point and I forgot what the point was.
It'll come back.
Son of a bitch.
See, that sativa will get you there, Fetty.
Also, I'm fasting.
Oh, really?
Yeah, so today I'm not eating until after the show.
What a country.
We fast on purpose, baby.
Yeah, we starve ourselves on purpose.
What a weird, weird world we live in.
It's so good we've got to make a struggle.
Yeah.
We do that every day.
I've got to tell you, this coffee is so good.
I'm trying not to drink more of it.
I didn't start drinking coffee until I was like 34, and now I'm obsessed with
it.
What happened?
I just always looked at it like, oh, my mom drinks coffee.
What is that?
I got energy.
I don't need to fucking rely on this brown liquid.
And then one day I was hungover and I said, fuck it, and I've never gone back.
And now if I don't drink, I get a headache.
Oh, you're hooked.
It's got to hold on me.
I'm sure you do, too, but you just probably drink so much you don't get the
headache.
I just keep drinking it.
Yeah.
It's available.
You can get it everywhere.
I know, and it's very good.
BlackRifalCoffee.com
This is good stuff.
I'm drinking the Keurig dog shit at home.
This is the real shit.
I don't know what version of Black Rifle this is.
It tastes like it's Ethiopian.
Oh, jeez.
You know your coffee countries, huh?
Well, Ethiopian has, it's got like a kind of lemony flavor to it.
Uh-huh.
That's where all coffee originated.
Ah.
Yeah.
A little tidbit I learned from Peter Giuliano, who's a coffee expert who was on
the podcast
many, many years ago.
But all of it came out of Ethiopia.
Then they started planting it in Colombia and all those places.
Right.
Well, what's up with energy drinks?
Who are these idiots?
I mean, like, I see some 14-year-old kid drinking a Monster.
I'm like, what are you doing?
You're 14.
You need that?
Um, they taste good.
Oh, I disagree.
And Monster, Diet Monster, those white cans.
There's a Diet one now?
I drink it all the time at the UFC.
I love the guy who's like, I need this shitty elixir to fuel me, but he's like,
I gotta watch
my weight, too.
He's like drinking poison.
You don't want sugar.
Oh, all right.
You want the speed, but you don't want the sugar.
I just, it looks like piss coming out of there and it tastes all chemically.
I don't know what I'm drinking.
I don't know.
I understand what you're saying.
I respectfully disagree.
Those white, cold monsters.
I've seen the white ones.
Those Diet Monsters.
I fucking like them.
They're not good for you.
Okay.
It's not like something you should drink all the time.
Yeah.
It can't be good for you.
Can't be good.
I mean, there's a bunch of stuff.
It's like Diet Coke.
That's not good for you all the time, but occasionally.
Occasionally.
I like a Diet Coke.
They say it's worse for you than regular Coke.
Yeah, I've heard it actually does something to fuck with your mind.
Your mind thinks you're taking in sugar and then there's weird chemicals that
really probably
shouldn't have been passed.
Right.
And they were made legal anyway.
They're like, well, you need a lot to kill you.
And I'm like, sell it.
Sell it.
Yeah.
They think it killed Tammy Faye Baker.
What?
TFB?
That bitch.
Sorry.
That lady.
I say that too much.
People don't know.
They don't know I'm joking around.
I know.
That bitch is crazy.
Yeah.
No, I don't mean that.
It's an expression.
Yeah.
Tammy Faye Baker apparently drank.
Is she the makeup?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She was way back in the day when Jim Baker was with Jessica Hahn and the Sam
Kinison love
triangle.
Do you remember all that?
Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
That was some 90s shit.
Yeah, it was back in the day, son.
Yeah, yeah.
But she apparently drank, just fucking pounded Diet Coke all day and then got
cancer and
died.
And everybody's like, it's a Diet Coke.
Oh, look at that.
They did it.
Yeah.
A Diet Coke.
I don't want to speak out of school, but Colin Quinn got real sick and he
drinks Diet Coke.
Like, it's got like a vein thing going on.
What do you call that?
SUV?
What is that thing?
What is that called?
A stent?
No, it's a...
It's a...
Varicose vein?
ICU?
The thing, the bag with the hose.
IV?
IV!
Thank you.
We got there.
See, we're on the same wavelength there.
You gotta get an IV for...
I'm just saying he drinks so much Coke, it was like an IV.
Oh.
Like, he sits down at the cellar and they hand him a Diet Coke.
That's where he was at with it.
And he got fucked up from it.
Do you think that's what get him in?
I think that's part of it.
I don't want to go into his whole health world.
Is he on that New York City pizza diet?
Oh, yeah.
He eats like a six-year-old retarded kid at a swim party.
And, you know, it's like wings and all this horrible shit.
And, you know, we're getting older.
You gotta cut it out.
Yeah.
You gotta...
You can have that stuff in moderation.
Yeah.
It should be the exception, not the rule.
What's up, Dan?
I read an article about her interview where she said,
this is her quote, what she was doing for breakfast.
It's on the screen.
Okay.
Oh, Faye Bake?
I'm sitting here eating a Nestle's Crunch for breakfast.
I feel it's a good breakfast because it has Rice Krispies in it.
And I'm also drinking a Diet Coke.
Well, first of all, she's probably high.
Let's be honest.
No doubt about it.
You know that lady was probably on some pills.
They probably juiced her up with Valium.
They said that she picked up the Diet Coke when she kicked the prescription
pill issue.
Kicked.
Air quote, kicked.
Yeah.
They took her off one, put her on something else.
It's hilarious when you hear what they fed these actresses back in, like, the
40s.
F?
Well, it was, like, cigarettes, coffee, and, like, broth water.
You know, for the Dorothy from Wizard of Oz lady.
What's her name?
She died on a boat with the other guy.
That's the one.
She died on a boat?
No, who am I thinking of?
Natalie Wood.
Natalie Wood.
Yeah.
She also just ate air, salads, and, you know, smoked cigarettes.
That was their whole diet.
This is the saddest thing that they tell women to starve themselves.
I know.
Like, that's what looks good for us, a starving woman.
It's a shame that it works.
But, see, I'm all over the road with the ladies.
My ladies got, like, some good curves and an ample bosom.
And then you see a super skinny chick, you're like, hey, I'm into that, too.
Yeah.
I'm not one of these, I got a type.
I like a vagina and a face.
Well, some people are skinny because they're healthy.
Right.
And they exercise a lot, and they have a fast metabolism, and that's their body
type.
But some people are starving themselves.
Yes.
And there's a difference.
The girls are starving themselves, want to be like that other body type, but
they're just not.
Mm-hmm.
You know, and so there's this weird thing going on where you're just killing
yourself.
Right.
To look like that.
I think black people had a big change in that.
With the?
Well, with the thickness and the butts.
Butts were, nobody's talking about butts in the 80s.
Right, true.
And then black people came in, they're like, we like asses, and I cannot lie.
We went to a weird place when they figured out how to do butt implants, though.
That's no good.
Don't like the butt implants.
That's just a, they went to a weird place when they figured that out.
When people figured out how to give people with skinny legs big butts, it's
like, whoa.
I know.
And they're chunky, and they're like bouncing in the wrong way, and you see
different lumps,
it's bad news.
Brazil's all into this.
What did you guess the first breast implants were?
Where?
When?
When?
Yeah.
21.
1921.
There was a TV show on it starring the dude from Friends.
Breast Men.
Yeah, that was like a.
Yeah.
David Schwimmer?
Yeah.
Like the.
I jerked off to that.
I think we all did.
Did you jerk off to that?
No, it was way before that.
Yeah.
Way before that.
Really?
Yeah.
1921, I'm saying.
All right, let me guess.
Let me guess.
I'm going to say 1950.
It says they've been around since the 1890s.
And the first button plant was 1969.
What?
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
The 1890s.
I'm going to look it up.
There was this one dude who won Fear Factor.
Mm-hmm.
And he was torturing this other guy that was competing against him.
The other guy, I don't know if he was really homophobic or they were just
joking around.
I don't know.
Yeah.
But anyway, at the end, the end of the show, the dude said he told the other
guy he was
going to spend all the money on butt implants because the gay guy won.
And he told him, he goes, I'm going to get my butt implanted now.
Wow.
And you can see the guy just defeated.
Just think, God, I would have had so many good uses for that money.
Right.
Now this guy's just going to get his butt bigger.
What an idiot.
Also, wouldn't you, if he was a bottom, wouldn't that hurt that you'd lose some
inches?
Maybe he's not a bottom.
Oh, there you go.
Maybe he just likes to have a lot of pushing for the cushion.
Not all gay guys fucking the ass.
They actually get upset about that.
Did you bring it up?
That rumor or that myth.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
My friend's gay.
He's like, we don't all fucking, enough with the ass fucking jokes.
We don't all do that.
I was like, oh, all right.
I didn't know.
Yeah.
A guy and his husband or boyfriend in Connecticut once came up to me after a
show and made a point
of telling me that.
Oh, there you go.
You see?
I'm like, okay, but that's not, I'm not looking for facts.
Right.
Trying to be funny up here.
And some people do do it.
Yeah.
So you call us breeders.
A lot of people don't have kids.
That's true.
Uh-huh.
Good point.
But breeders doesn't have any sting to it.
No, it's hilarious.
Yeah.
What are you out there, breeding?
Yeah.
It doesn't work.
It's like, it's like a wisp.
Yeah.
It's like a mist.
It's like honky.
Yeah.
Right over.
Nothing.
Although.
So that movie was the introduction of the silicone sacks.
Ah, that was a game changer.
Before that, they were using, this says it goes back even further, but the 1890s,
they
were using paraffin wax.
Wow.
And then up until even the 1950s, they were using a sponge.
So in the 1890s, when they were using paraffin wax, they probably had no anesthesia.
Did they have anesthesia then?
Like, when did they invent anesthesia?
It just says they were injecting it directly into the breast to make them
bigger.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
They used whiskey and shit, and he bit down on a belt.
Jesus Christ.
Ladies, imagine how much you love dick.
You're like, there's got to be a way to get more dick.
Yeah.
I have an idea.
Yeah.
See that wax?
The candle wax?
What would happen?
This even says there was a small time period when women were trying to make
their breasts
look smaller, and I don't know when that was.
That's what's interesting about fashion.
It all comes and goes.
Maybe that was during the Rubenesque days.
Well, then it says Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell, never heard of her, were
the ones that paved
the way to make them look bigger again.
So that would have been.
What?
Huge cans on Marilyn.
How did people forget?
I don't know.
They forget they like big tits?
They didn't have a lot of pictures, I guess.
That doesn't make any sense.
People were so busy starving to death, like, oh, just get back to the mines.
Right, exactly.
You got to go to the mill.
You got to go to the mill.
What good is a big tit going to do me?
I need coal.
I need to get more coal out of this fucking mine.
Can you imagine how pent up dudes must have been in the 40s or 30s?
I mean, first of all, you look at a pinup and they're all creaming themselves.
But, like, we all look at porn so much.
It's so accessible.
There's women walking around with nothing on now.
Like, back then, you couldn't look at porn.
You couldn't.
You just had to imagine shit.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
And masturbation was greatly discouraged.
That's right.
You were taught that you were going to be, you know, you're a bad person.
You're going to go blind.
Ari told me that when he was in whatever that, he went to some, like, serious
religious Hebrew
school in Israel where it was, like, studying the Torah 10 hours a day, the
whole deal.
He told me that they taught him that when you're masturbating, you're making a
demon in hell.
Wow.
Like, in another dimension, like, you're going, you're having sex with a demon
and creating
some evil entity in another world.
I'm like, what?
Who's the weirdo here?
I'm just jerking off.
You're making up jerk-off tales.
They want you working.
Because you're trying, back when they wrote that rule, people were starving to
death.
People needed to go gather food.
Right.
People needed to fight off the enemy.
You know, there was marching soldiers coming over the hill.
You could see them coming.
Oh, yeah.
So they're like, stop jerking off.
You're making demons in another dimension.
Like, oh, no.
You're the reason why our town is burning.
Right.
Because you were jerking off.
Like, oh.
Yeah.
People believed that back then.
Totally.
And you know how boxers don't jerk off to, like, get tougher or whatever?
So imagine how tough and how much testosterone you had because you weren't jerking
it.
Mike Tyson never did that.
Oh, really?
He jerked.
And he was the most ferocious of all time.
Good point.
He was like, I don't want that kind of distraction.
Yeah.
I'm with him.
It was distracting him.
He wanted to relax.
I'm the same.
So he would relax by having sex.
Yeah.
But it says it builds your testosterone if you don't explode.
I think he had enough.
Yeah.
I'm just going to go out on a limb.
That's true.
I think he was okay in that department.
He was knocking out old ladies in the 80s.
I mean, imagine seeing that guy, you know, in Brooklyn in 84.
Oh, my God.
No shirt on, walking down the street with a tiger.
Yeah.
A couple pigeons on his shoulder.
Yeah.
Terrifying.
He's the – I've told this story before, but I'll tell it to you.
He's the reason why this table's this wide.
Oh, you were just nervous?
This table was going to be – I was going to make it more narrow.
I even had a smaller table that we were working with as a guide.
Yeah.
And then we were still doing the shows back in L.A.
We were setting up this studio.
I did an interview with Tyson, and he was so amped up for this Roy Jones fight
that I got nervous to be in the room.
I'm like, I like that extra six inches.
That's hilarious.
Of space between us because he was so ramped up.
Oh, man.
When he left, Jamie goes, that's a totally different person.
Yeah.
Because he went from being Mike Tyson, pot grower.
Right.
Not working out at all to get ready to go to combat again,
get ready to fucking throw hands.
Yeah, yeah.
He was so amped up.
And we've all watched the video where he calls that photographer out,
and he's like, I'll fucking eat your ass.
Fuck you, bitch.
I'll make you love me.
Yeah.
I watched that.
I'm like, ah.
He said, I'll fuck you until you love me.
Wow.
Where does that come from?
That's an inner demon.
That's letting a dude know he's going to be fucking him for a long time.
Yeah.
But it's a weird jump because he's not actually going to fuck the guy.
He's going to beat the shit out of him.
He might.
He might.
If he decides to, that's his call.
That's what it is.
Yeah, that's what it is.
When he's yelling that at you, he's letting you know, if I decide to, I'll fuck
you until you love me.
That is like one of the deepest, darkest things a person's ever said to
somebody.
That haunts me at night.
Terrifying.
Plus, back then, I mean, he was in his prime.
Oh, yeah.
That was post-prison.
I think that was the Lennox Lewis fight.
I believe that was the press conference for the Lennox Lewis fight.
So, that wasn't exactly prime, but we didn't know that yet.
He was kind of still in the area, like he had already lost to Buster Douglas.
He might have already lost to Evander Holyfield.
I think he did.
I don't know.
It's just amazing that there's people on this planet who are like, oh, I'll
fight that guy.
They're looking at video footage of this fucking killer, and they're like, yeah,
I'll take him.
There's a lot of killers out there.
I know.
They always want to be the man who beats the man.
That's what it is.
That gives me hope.
I know we call it toxic masculinity or whatever the hell, evil men, but it's
amazing that somebody would want to go toe-to-toe with this fucking monster.
What is this about?
This is a different thing.
I know it is.
This is all eat your children.
Oh, this is a different one.
Yeah, play this.
I'll eat your children.
Play this.
Ah, J-Mo.
Jamie.
The COVID has really hurt you, I think.
It's a mess.
You've been slacking since.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Something's wrong.
By the way, quite a hog on J-Mo.
I saw it in the sweatpants.
Yeah.
Quite a piece you got there.
There you go.
Man, he's not denying it either.
He's smiling.
He's all red now.
Look.
Oh, my God.
You look like the wolves.
No, get it out there.
Get it out.
Tell the fans.
Imagine if they come up with a hog implant.
Oh.
That's like a legitimate, legitimate, like good to go.
Everyone universally accepted the way fake boobs are accepted.
Yeah.
Because fake boobs are basically normal.
No one says, listen, you've got a great personality, but this is bullshit.
Girls in high school are doing that shit.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Is that legal?
How is that legal?
Well, you know, you hit 18 or whatever.
Oh, God.
I feel like it should be 21 before you do something like that.
Yeah.
But, man, would I kill for a huge dong?
How big would you want that?
Well, there's rumors about your cock and balls there.
I used to have a bit about big dick pills.
Yeah.
If there was big dick pills, it would take about 30 seconds for the first guy
to dive into overdose.
No one's going to take just one.
If a pill makes your dick bigger, we'd be thinking, like, how many do I take
before I get a stroke?
Give me one less of that, and let's fucking do this.
I'm like, it would change the shape of vaginas because there would be no
regular dicks anymore.
There we go.
Here we go.
Digging the big dicks.
With Mike Tyson, who's standing by with Jim Gray.
Jim?
Yeah.
Okay, thank you, Steve.
Mike, was that your shortest fight ever?
I bear witness there's only one God, and Muhammad blessed me and peace be upon
him as his prophet.
I dedicate this fight to my brother, Darrell Baum, who died.
I'll be there to see you.
I love you with all my heart.
All praise be to my children.
I love you.
Oh, God.
Man, what?
Is this your shortest fight ever?
In any time, amateur, professional, ever?
Jim Gray hanging in there.
Yeah.
I don't know, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, Lennox Lewis.
Lennox, I'm coming for you.
Mike, is it frustrating to train like you did and then have this in seven or
eight seconds?
No, I didn't train for this fight.
I only trained probably two weeks or three weeks for this fight.
I had to bury my best friend, and I dedicated this fight.
I wasn't going to fight.
I dedicated this fight to him.
I was going to rip his heart out.
I'm the best ever.
I'm the most brutal and vicious and most ruthless champion there's ever been.
There's no one who can stop me.
Lynx is a conqueror.
No, I'm Alexander.
He's no Alexander.
I'm the best ever.
There's never been anybody as ruthless.
I'm Sonny Liston.
I'm Jack Dempsey.
There's no one like me.
I'm from Nairclaw.
There's no one that can match me.
My style is impetuous.
My defense is impregnable.
And I'm just ferocious.
I want your heart.
I want to eat his children.
Praise be to Allah.
Whoa.
That's the craziest post-fight speech of all time.
There is no second place.
No, he's got great writers.
Holy shit.
And even the way my style is impetuous.
My defense is impregnable.
Yeah.
It was just, bam, I'm Sonny Liston.
I'm Jack Dempsey.
I'm from their cloth.
Woo.
He got to there from the easiest question.
It was a yes or no question.
Is this the shortest fight?
All he had to say was, yep, or nah.
And he just went all the way to left field.
That was amazing.
Yeah, that was heavy.
That was heavy.
I mean, could you be in his enourage?
Because he seems like a guy who could just flip on a dime.
And you're just like, hey, you want the Funyuns?
I'll fucking kill you.
You're like, oh shit, I'm sorry.
We've been best friends for 30 years.
Yeah, I don't know if he would be like that.
When I've met him, he's been very nice and very friendly to everybody.
But I think when you're a dude that's that fucking driven and that maniacal
when you're
at your best, I mean, you've got to realize throughout his life, all of his
great success
came from his ability to be ferocious.
All of it.
Right.
I mean, the whole success of his fighting career came from his skill, his
technique,
and his ability in the heat of the moment to be ferocious.
Yeah.
So he was just geared up for that.
I know.
There it is, right?
This is the brawl.
This is the other one, though.
The brawl.
Take it till you love me.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
That guy must have been trembling.
Heavy.
I mean, how do you go back to the green room with that guy?
You, uh, you go, uh, you're right, Mike.
Yeah.
Good point.
Well said.
Uh, well said.
I think you did everything perfect.
Let's get out of here.
If I was, uh, if I was that punk ass white boy, I would've been running out the
fire exit.
That guy still to this day, probably, if he's still alive, probably wakes up in
the middle
of the night.
Jesus!
Yeah.
Like, he's thinking of Mike Tyson over his bed.
Oh, I love you.
I love you.
Punching him in the face.
Holy shit.
But, again, like, the, in the context of a regular life, that is, uh,
outrageous behavior
that you would never expect from anybody.
But in the context of a life where you're rewarded for being the most ferocious
and you're
ruthlessly successful at doing that, like, that is normal.
Yeah.
It's just like, you, like, you look at his fights, the, the stoppage of Trevor
Burbick
to win the title.
You look at his destruction of Tyrell Biggs and Marvis Frazier, and you go
through his
career, and of course he's got that in him.
I know, but.
That's how he can turn it on.
But that feels like more.
There's more there, I think.
That's why he's one of the greatest.
I agree.
To ever lace up the gloves.
But it seems like there was some real trauma, like, something we don't know
about.
A hundred percent.
Yeah.
He'll tell, he talked about that trauma, but that trauma is also what motivated
him to
be so great.
Right.
See, the thing about a guy like him is, like, you, you can't get there any
other way.
He was not, it wasn't that it was just skillful and just competitive and just
unbelievably
technically proficient in the art of smashing people with your fists.
Yeah.
He also had an extra gear.
Oh, yeah.
The other people didn't have.
He was, you know, and he was even hypnotized when he was a young boy.
Really?
Yeah.
Customato, he was telling me the whole story of it on the podcast that Customato
took him
when he was a young boy.
You got to realize he's like 13 years old.
He gets adopted by one of the greatest minds in the history of boxing.
Right.
Customato was a, he was a hypnotist.
He was, he really understood psychology, like, deeply.
And he was one of the great boxing trainers.
He trained Floyd Patterson, Jose Torres.
He has, like, world champions.
He's in the game forever.
Yeah.
And he was always looking for that one great fighter.
And he found it in this 13-year-old kid.
And he knew right away.
Because this 13-year-old kid was 190 pounds.
Mm.
13.
Yeah.
190.
Jacked at 13.
That's crazy.
That's more than me.
And just had incredible natural ability and drive.
Yeah.
And was getting praised for doing something finally.
Whereas all of his life, he's getting shit on and dismissed and locked in jail
and all
this different stuff.
Now, all of a sudden, he's getting praised for it.
And then he's getting hypnotized.
He's getting hypnotized by this guy who's telling him, you don't exist.
Mm.
Only the task exists.
Don't fill your mind with thoughts of yourself and good or bad.
Or I'm a bad person.
I'm a good person.
You don't exist.
You just, you are the task.
And you move forward and you attack.
Yeah.
Jesus.
When he was saying that you don't exist, like, think of that.
Just the task exists.
So he's got him so focused on going out there and attacking that person.
The other person has all these doubts and fears and this and that and all this
shit in
their mind, but he's trained to think like a locomotion, just to train just
coming at you.
You're not going to stop him.
He's just going to figure out.
He's not filled with self-doubt.
He's filled with confidence.
He's filled with knowing at the end of him smash you in the face, you're going
to be lying
on your back, and he's going to get that amazing good feeling that he gets
every time he does
this.
Right.
So every time he smashes people, he gets this incredible feeling.
So he's dedicated, just like we were talking about lazy comics, that lazy
comics can become
like actually disciplined when they want to get their act together to do stand-up.
A fighter is so motivated by that great feeling of winning, that you just
become, the more
you feel it, the more you want it, and the more disciplined you get, and the
more you drive towards
it.
And that was him.
I know.
Plus then you had that guy with all that hypnotic shit, and then fame, and then
money.
I mean, that's a bad gumbo.
It's a bad gumbo.
And look what happened.
Well, he's okay now.
All right.
He came out on the other side an interesting person.
He really did.
That's true.
A lot of people don't come out of it.
Particularly before the fight, you know, like before he had signed on to the
fight, the
first time I met him and talked to him.
I'd met him before the UFC, but the first time I talked to him on the podcast,
he was
an interesting guy.
He's like a very thoughtful person.
He thinks a lot about things.
But then he's got that switch, and he turned that switch on before the Roy
Jones fight.
Uh-huh.
You can tell.
Which I think he won.
Yeah.
If it was a decision.
Yeah.
For sure.
But there was no decisions, you know?
I was trying to see if anybody knew who Mike was yelling at in the crowd there.
Oh.
Who is he?
So I Googled, and look who was in the crowd.
Oh!
Doing a special report.
Oh, shit!
From live.
He was doing it for the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
He's like a whole week of shit there.
Oh, my God.
Good eye.
J-Mo.
They were talking to tons of people.
Wow.
Look how skinny Dave is.
What a gig.
He's a young, young Dave.
You've got to bring this up when you see him tonight.
This is amazing.
He's talking to Lennox.
I don't think there's a part where he's talking to Mike here, at least.
Probably for safety.
He may or may not have been the guy who's fucking yelling that.
No, he's a white boy.
Oh, okay.
That's right.
Okay, okay, okay.
And Dave would never yell out a stupid...
No, no, no.
I know.
There's a joke online.
He was yelling at Jim Brewer.
That's amazing.
That's amazing.
A lot of people are listening.
They're like, who are you talking about?
Dave Chappelle.
Oh, right, right.
A skinny, young, goofball Dave Chappelle.
And they're playing Rock, Paper, Scissors.
And he just jacked Lennox Lewis Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Remember you were a young comic?
You'd take these weird gigs?
East Coast bitch.
East Coast bitch.
That is hilarious.
Wow.
You forget the body of work.
People have just done so much in showbiz.
I was talking to George Foreman.
Look at the size of Foreman's fucking hands.
Oh, yeah.
Jesus Christ.
What year are we at here?
2002, it says.
2002?
2002, George was still fighting, I think.
That can't be right.
Was he still fighting in 2002?
No.
No, he had already retired.
He probably retired like 99 or some shit, if I'm guessing.
Dave's hand's holding up just one of George's hands.
Look at the size of his fucking hand.
Look at that left hand in front of you.
George is known for having these gigantic canned hams for fists.
Oh, yeah.
You ever seen the documentary?
Is it King of Kings?
Yeah.
Or When They Were Kings?
When They Were Kings.
That is amazing.
That's amazing.
Zaire.
Yeah.
I would have loved, it's like, if you really, like, it's interesting, fighters
get defined
by their era, right?
You know, when George Foreman came up in the era of Joe Frazier and Muhammad
Ali, and those
were his contemporaries, right?
But, like, it would be so interesting.
It's impossible.
But if you could, if you had a time machine, and you were just an asshole, and
you're like,
well, I could save the world and stop assassinations, or I could just take,
like, Mike Tyson from, like...
Oh, that'd be fun.
...1988.
Yeah.
And bring him to the George Foreman when George was undefeated and he was the
champion and
matched him up.
Right.
Like, why, like, if you could get together, like, Sonny Liston and Lennox Lewis.
Right.
You know, just wild combinations.
It'd be funny to do that with old white baseball players and put them in now.
They'd fucking get dominated by some, you know...
Babe Ruth.
Some South American guy in two seconds.
Yeah, Babe Ruth with his hot dog stomach.
Ha, ha, ha.
Like, I was, like, a god.
Yeah.
Isn't that weird, too?
Like, that fight, that Ali-Frazier fight, or Foreman fight, was so big.
It was, like, an event.
It was, like, a world event.
I don't feel like we have that anymore.
We're so splintered now.
Yeah.
That, like, it's hard to get...
The only events are bad now.
It's, like, COVID.
That's something we can all get behind.
Or maybe, like, 9-11.
The thing about it was that Muhammad Ali was different than just a fighter.
Because he was a cultural figure that wasn't...
He wasn't like anybody else, in that he was a guy who stood up for the Vietnam
War.
Stood up to...
For the soldiers and said, I'm not going to fight.
Stood up against the Vietnam War, I should say.
They tried to draft him, tried to send him over there.
And he's just, like, I'm not going to Vietnam.
And they took his title away because of it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's, like, no Viet Cong, no Vietnamese man ever did anything to me.
Like, I'm not doing this.
It's a good point.
And everyone agreed with him three years later and won't let him compete again.
But they took three years out of the prime of his career.
And so he became something that wasn't just a fighter.
He became this spokesperson for the people that felt like the government was
doing something awful and terrible.
And he had the courage to lose his career and stand up for it.
For three years, he had no income.
Three years, that's insane.
In his prime.
Yeah.
So he's at the peak of his abilities.
And they took three whole years away from him.
They did it to Elvis, too, but he went.
Elvis had to go to the army.
Isn't that insane?
They made him go.
And I'd be like, hey, Bieber, you got to go to Iraq.
Sorry.
Bro, that would be hilarious.
That would be great.
Seeing Bieber get a haircut, you know, and doing push-ups, getting yelled at by
an old guy with a buzz cut.
I think Joe Louis, they made Joe Louis join the army, too.
Yeah, you had to do it.
I mean, we bitch now about how things are.
Like, oh, this and that, LGBTQ, it's all unfair.
But then you're like, yeah, but they made you do shit.
Like, Lenny Bruce, we all bitch and moan, but, like, he got, we went to jail
for saying cocksucker.
Many times.
Many times.
Many times, yeah.
And they would wait for him in the back of the club, and then as soon as he
said something wrong, they would run up on stage and handcuff him in front of
the crowd.
Yeah.
You ever heard the story about him getting cuffed on the back cop car?
Carlin thrown in the back of the cop car?
Same car.
What?
That was his idol.
He was, like, at the, you know, he was rioting or whatever.
Like, don't arrest him.
So they threw him in the car.
He's in the car with his hero in cuffs.
What a great deal.
Yeah, yeah, that's fun.
Best time getting arrested ever.
I know, right?
Yeah, those guys got arrested for stand-up.
They got arrested for the things that we take for granted.
I know, and now we arrest each other.
What the fuck are we doing?
It's true.
Like, some L.A. queef is like, you shouldn't say that.
And you're like, why are you yelling at me?
You're the cops now.
You want to be on that side?
It's not we, though.
It's not we.
It's people that have lost their way.
They're not thinking about it correctly.
Or, you know, there was a lot of ones with Louis in particular where I was like,
I know what's going on here.
You're jealous of that guy.
Like, what you're saying about him, about never being very talented, like, that's
crazy.
You could say that you don't think what he did was right, but the way you're
doing, you know, some people were, like, dismissing his talent.
Yeah, that's strange.
Like, you not.
This is not real.
This is not real.
No one agrees with you.
No one agrees with you.
And then you're like, well, why should I listen to other stuff if you're going
to say that?
Exactly.
You could say you don't like him.
You could say you don't like him as a person.
You could say whatever you want.
But as soon as you say he's not talented.
I saw a lot of that, and I was like, oh, I see what's happening.
People are trying to redefine.
Yes.
There's that weird pile-on that people do.
Like, oh, let's go harder, harder.
And it's kind of human nature.
Like, you know, it seems like when the king falls, you know, whatever, in the
square, everybody's fucking going nuts.
Yeah, fuck that guy.
He was on the throne, and I live in shit.
Now he's going through hell.
I love it.
Yes, but it's never anyone good.
People that are really, truly great, they never pile on.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
It's the, again, it's the people that have a deficiency in their own career or
deficiency in their own act.
Or they're not happy with where they are or how it's worked out.
And it's one thing if someone has done something horrific.
Yeah, Cosby.
Comes a fucking serial killer.
You can all get behind.
100%.
Cosby's the best example.
Yeah.
Right?
Because there's no chance that it was, I mean, there's just too many fucking
cases.
Yeah, yeah.
It's insanity.
We're talking about, like, 50 cases.
Right.
Like, there was a woman who was a prosecuting attorney who was doing an
interview about this.
And she goes, I need you to understand that this might be the most prolific
serial rapist in history.
Wow.
Crazy.
And she said that.
I remember thinking, like, what?
Wow.
What?
The cleanest family guy.
I mean, sweaters.
Pull your pants up.
Right.
Is a rapist.
Right.
And it's insane.
Right.
But no one's talking shit about his act.
Exactly.
Well, you can't deny it.
It's 40 years of great work.
That's my point.
Like, if you don't like what a person did, okay.
But if you just start saying, well, he was never really talented.
Right.
It's strange when people do that.
Bill Cosby?
You don't think he was talented?
You're right.
Are you crazy?
Well, people get put into this lump of this group and they go, all bad.
No matter what.
All bad.
Binary.
But there's nuance.
You know, like when people go, Trump.
And you go, Trump's pretty funny, huh?
And they go, oh, my God.
How can you say it?
You're like, I just heard a clip.
It was hilarious.
Yeah.
I'm not saying I want to hang out with the guy or I voted for the guy.
But I'm saying that was a funny clip.
Mark Norman on the JRE says, COVID is king and Trump is funny.
Just saying COVID has got a good work ethic.
That's all I'm saying.
It's killing it.
And Trump is funny.
He's got some funny lines.
He was talking to Mitt Romney once and he goes, they were, no, they were
interviewing him about
Mitt Romney.
Like, you think he's going to vote for it?
He's got a lot of money.
What do you think?
And he goes, first of all, he doesn't have a lot of money.
That's hilarious.
That's what bugged him about that sentence.
And he went right for it.
It's just, he's a, you know, bully from Queens.
And it's fun when you look at it that way.
Yeah.
But when he becomes a president, it becomes a bit of a problem.
Wow.
I'm not saying it's, uh, I'm not saying he's not a psycho.
So is Biden.
They're all psychos.
They're all psychos.
Anybody who wants that job is a psycho.
Well, that's for damn sure.
Except for Yang.
Oh, I love Yang.
Love the Yang gang.
But yeah, no, not everybody wants that job.
Okay.
I don't think Tulsi Gabbard's a psycho.
I didn't think Bernie Sanders is a psycho.
I don't think Andrew Yang's a psycho.
But Bernie's a little kooky.
He's got some kooky ideas, but I was interested in seeing what would happen.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like if they did really absolve student debt, there's a lot, a lot more happy
people in
this world.
If they really did figure out a way to use, uh, just a small percentage of a, a
penny from
every stock exchange transaction, and they would use that money for good.
That was what he was saying when he was describing how they would use the, this
is where they would
get the money to institute national healthcare and a lot of the things that he
wanted to do.
He wanted to make college legal, excuse me, uh, college free.
Which is like, God, how come they can do that in Canada?
Like we can't do that here.
Yeah.
Canada, you get free universities.
Is that right?
Yes.
Holy shit.
Free medicine, free universities, and you can drive there.
Huh.
Yeah.
They're 20% less douchebags.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's colder.
It doesn't make any sense.
Yeah.
Isn't that weird?
Most people in cold climates are douchebags.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the hockey and the drinking and the moose.
Yeah.
No, you're right.
But no, Canadians are way nicer.
Way nicer.
And way smarter, way more educated.
Education's free.
Yeah.
They're probably more educated per capita than Americans are.
Yeah.
But you know, there's more people in California than in all of Canada.
Yeah.
Isn't that wild?
That's nuts.
Yeah.
And Canada's pretty crowded.
Well, you go to Toronto.
The middle is pretty empty.
There's a lot of, a lot of empty.
A lot of empty.
A lot of empty.
You ever seen the border?
What do you mean?
You know how we have a fence for Mexico?
With Canada, it's literally the opposite.
They've cut the trees down and made a path.
An enormous path that's like a couple of football fields wide in between Canada
and the United
States.
So you just walk through this nice plowed path and then you're in Canada.
That's so Canadian.
I've never seen that.
Get a photo of the line in the woods.
It's literally a line in the woods.
Yeah.
Which we, and you walk up there.
Drug smugglers must do it every day.
Look at that.
Look at that line.
Oh my God.
How hilarious is that?
It's so welcoming.
That's the border.
It's literally the exact opposite of Mexico.
Right.
It's a fucking welcome.
It's negative space.
It doesn't look as wide as I thought it was.
It looks like it's about, that's not even a football field.
It's a beautiful hike.
Yeah.
It's not a football.
It looks wide from the fucking sky though.
Oh, you can see it.
Maybe it's wider in other spots.
It's like a park in your hair.
But I think I had read that it was, that's it?
20 feet's not nothing.
Yeah, but it looked wider when I looked at it before, but maybe it was just
because I was
looking at, like right there.
But are they even guarding that?
Like I could just pop over.
Take that photo that you have in the right-hand corner, that photo, and make
that larger.
There's no way up there that's 20 feet.
That big ass wide spot, oh, maybe it is.
Looks like it's perspective.
A great wall almost.
I think it's just a perspective thing.
I think it's that hill behind it is closer than you think it is.
Yeah, yeah.
That's hilarious.
So it's just trees cut down.
They cut down a nice little path.
You ever go, there's a place called Windsor, it's right above Detroit.
And it's so funny because you're in Detroit, there's barrel fires, you're
getting shot at,
then you pop right over and it's like rainbows and lollipops.
I knew a lot of people who came over from Canada and they had to marry people
to stay here.
Yeah.
And nobody cared.
No, nobody cares.
Nobody treated them like anchor babies.
Nobody thought it was like some sort of fucking scam.
No one's ever yelled, these Canadians are taking our jobs.
That's never happened.
Well, a lot of Canadian comics would come over here and they'd have like green
cards.
Yeah.
And they'd have to like try to figure out how to get a citizenship.
And it would take a long time for some of them.
Right.
It's my friend paid 20 grand or something.
He was like a broke comic.
He had to scrap that together.
We had to write letters for him.
Yeah.
He was like, this guy's good.
He deserves to be here.
A lot of people that are born here, you get used to how awesome it is here.
But that's the other thing.
Everybody shits on America, but everybody's trying to get here also.
So it's kind of like, well, which one is it?
Well, there's shit.
There's things to shit on.
Of course.
We're not perfect.
There's plenty to shit on about America.
So if you want to concentrate on the negative aspects of America, you've got a
lot to choose from.
Oh, yeah.
I get it.
But if you want to think of it in terms of a place where you have opportunity,
especially if it's an art form.
Like, if you're trying to be a comedian, there really is no better place in the
world than right here.
Definitely.
I mean, I know there's a great comedy scene in England.
There's comedy scenes in Australia has a great scene.
There's lots of scenes, but this is the best scene in the world.
Yeah.
And this is where it all started.
And we got the best movies.
They all play.
China.
You go to China, it's all our shit.
It's like our music, our movies, our TV.
There's no Chinese friends.
It's also watered down for China, specifically, from here.
Yeah.
We were talking about that the other day on the podcast, where different things
that have happened with China,
where, like, you know, Doctor Strange in the Marvel comics,
the guy who teaches everything to him is supposed to be from Tibet.
And in the movie, they made it a white woman with a bald head.
It was like this magic white woman.
Interesting.
Who dresses like a monk, instead of being from Tibet.
Because China's like, they don't recognize Tibet.
Aha.
China and Tibet have issues.
Yeah, yeah.
And so to make China happy, they changed how that movie was constructed.
Right.
I hear they don't like brown people that much.
So they make a lot of the movies just, give us the white superheroes.
Really?
That's what I heard.
So, like, they'll shoot a lot of movies because they want to sell it in China,
so they'll have a lot of whitey, and people get mad here, but they're like,
we just want to make money over there.
We should see how well did Blade do in China.
Oh, there you go.
Blade versus Iron Man or something.
It would be, yeah.
Or Black Panther would be the best example.
Because it was recent.
That's a good one.
Are they going to have a different Black Panther?
They can't get rid of Black Panther.
They're not going to replace him.
They can't do it.
They just announced it or something like that.
They'll never replace him?
So, but what about the Avengers when they have to call on Black Panther?
And they redid Superman.
What about the wheelchair guy?
It says they will not recast him.
What if they, oh my God, I was thinking so gross.
I was like, what if they had another actor do it and they just CGI'd?
Yeah, I was just thinking.
Oh, that's weird.
The face.
That, that's weird.
That is weird.
Like they did with De Niro and, uh.
But that just made him younger.
He's not dead.
That's true.
He's the same guy.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Yeah.
I think they did with Kevin Spacey, though.
They like, he, you know, he had a scandal.
So they took him out of a movie digitally.
Oh, really?
Yeah, that's what I heard.
I forgot the movie, though.
Man, he was a good actor.
I remember that.
Yeah, dude.
Go back and watch House of Cards.
Oh, great.
The guy's a fucking savage.
I know, right?
I mean, he's obviously grabbing some 17-year-old dicks here and again.
Sure, sure.
Allegedly.
Maybe they're 18.
Maybe they're 19.
When I was a kid, I grabbed all my friends' dicks.
I think they're just gonna use different characters instead of his character.
They're just gonna write about different people.
The other characters in the movie.
What?
In Wakanda.
No, you have to have Black Panther.
He's the fucking hero.
You can't rewrite comic books.
Listen, they've had a bunch of Spider-Man.
Spider-Man is interchangeable.
They've had a bunch of Hulks.
Hulk is interchangeable.
I guess when someone dies on the job, you can't really just replace them.
But they did it with Christopher Reeves, right?
They did it with presidents.
But he didn't die on a job.
He wasn't active.
And he also, he got injured really badly after the movies.
He died slowly, yeah.
Yeah.
He was already older.
Yeah, yeah.
But Spider-Man seems to be, we have no problem with them swapping Spider-Mans
out.
We've had a black one, a white one, another white one.
Yeah.
Well, the Into the Spider-Verse, I think, is the best of all the Spider-Man
movies.
It's pretty amazing.
Yeah.
Because, and it's a great example of, you can make a film with a lot of
diversity, but
it just is natural.
It didn't matter.
It didn't matter at all.
It felt completely natural.
Versus some movies like when, you know, like Star Trek or Star Wars, rather,
when it was
all women that were running the show and women generals and everything.
I was like, what is happening here?
Right.
When you're making a statement like Ghostbusters, nobody watched it.
It bombed.
But like, we like Bridesmaids because it was just a funny movie with women in
it.
Well, the thing about Ghostbusters, too, is all the men were morons.
Oh, is that right?
I didn't watch it.
They were either morons, like Thor.
Thor was in it.
Uh-huh.
Chris Helmsworth.
Helmsworth, he's a hunk.
He was a moron in the movie.
And then, uh, uh, what's his name?
Who else was in it that was bad?
Which one?
Uh, the girl Ghostbusters.
Hmm.
Um.
Not Moranis.
No, he was in the original.
And then he got knocked out in New York.
Yeah, isn't that hilarious?
What a weird twist.
This guy?
Walking right up to him.
He's such a tiny little guy.
I know.
He just knew he could get off a swing on him.
And they caught the guy, I think.
There they are.
Well, it's Bill Murray was in it.
That's who was in it.
Bill Murray was a bad guy.
You can't make Bill Murray bad.
Oh, he was a bad guy, and he died.
Spoiler alert.
Damn, my childhood hero.
They killed him quick.
So he was the hero of the first movie.
Yeah.
Bad guy in the second movie, and they kill him quick.
This was supposed to come out this summer and didn't.
Another Ghostbusters?
Yeah, they're going to redo another one.
With who?
With everyone that's still around.
What?
Oh, no.
Bill Murray again?
Mm-hmm.
But the other guy is...
Harold Ramis is dead.
Harold Ramis died.
Yeah, his son was going to make it.
He was awesome.
He was a great writer.
He was awesome.
And he was in the ground floor.
I'm talking Caddyshack, Animal House, all that shit.
National Lampoon.
There was an article that I was reading recently.
I'm lying.
Okay, there's an article.
I saw the headline, and I nodded my head in agreement, and I didn't read it.
Yeah.
But it was about why are there no good comedies since, like, 2010.
Yeah.
Since the woke movement happened.
Mm-hmm.
And I don't think it's true.
There was that one, the Seth Rogen one that you thought was really funny.
What was that?
The good...
About the kids?
Yeah.
The good boy, or...
But that's a TV show.
No.
Superbad.
Superbad was, I think, more than 10 years ago.
Wow.
The one was on the...
Maybe not.
Julian Maxwell.
Might have been 10.
Good Boys is what it's called.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good Boys.
That's pretty good.
Yeah, it came out in 2019, it says.
What year do you think it was?
What, Superbad?
Yeah.
2011?
What do you think, Jamie?
Actually, you're right.
No, before that.
I think it was...
Maybe 08, yeah.
I think it's nine.
Apparently, he was writing that for, like, 10 years.
2007.
Ah.
Okay.
That is a great fucking comedy movie.
That's funny.
It's gonna be real hard to make a comedy movie with all this woke shit, and
Holiday...
Or, Holiday?
Hollywood has gone so all in on wokeness.
Right, right.
Like, to pull back now for a film, you know?
Yeah, I think it's flipping a little slowly, because people want to laugh.
It's gonna take a long time.
And, like, Instagram and all that shit has such funny sketches.
YouTube has such funny shit on it, and it's all politically incorrect, you know?
It's like a guy cheating on his girlfriend, and then he jumps out the window,
and she's
like, you know?
Right.
And it's very primitive and, like, kind of basic, but...
But they go viral.
They go viral, because people want to see that shit.
Or, like, what Schultz is doing.
Yeah.
Like, these things he's doing, first of all, it mocks the watered-down,
bullshit monologues
that you're seeing on late-night television.
Yes.
It mocks those.
Because it shows...
Because when late-night television got hit with the pandemic, and they took
away the audience,
and then you get to see how lame these jokes are when it's just a person saying
them.
Right.
And also, a lot of those guys, unfortunately, don't work with crowds a lot, so
they don't
understand that the reason why they're saying it the way they're saying it is
only because
there's a large group of people in the room.
Right.
Like, you have to give a pause because the laughter's killing so hard.
But if you just stand there like a fucking idiot after you say something that's
not even that
funny, and you're waiting...
It's brutal.
...to say the next thing, and there's just silence...
Yeah.
...it seems so strange.
There's no momentum to it.
Well, Schultz figured it out.
And what he did was just fucking hammer.
Joke, joke, joke, joke.
Joke, joke, joke.
Joke, joke, joke.
Joke, joke, joke, joke.
Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke.
Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke.
And it's all great writing, and it's like one fucked up punchline after another,
and they're mean, and they're vicious, and they're nasty, and hilarious.
And the people spoke.
They got crazy views.
Crazy views.
Better than The Tonight Show.
I mean, who would have thunk this guy who's just a comic is putting on such
good work that it gets the platform it needs, and it's bigger than The Tonight
Show.
That's such a crazy concept.
Crazy.
But he did it.
And it's all self-made.
And that's 2020 for you.
And it's all based on merit.
Yes.
It's all based on people seeing it.
As it should be.
Sharing it.
His friends sharing it.
Yep.
And then people responding and enjoying it.
And then the next one gets more popular, and the next one gets more popular.
He literally, his career was already killing it.
Yeah.
But he got into COVID and literally picked up more steam.
Right, right.
When everyone else said, hey, put on Netflix and get the takeout.
Yeah.
At best, a lot of guys who were just playing stand-ups, they just survived.
Right.
I mean, COVID has not been good for anybody.
And a lot of the specials that people have released during COVID have been odd.
It's like, it's hard to watch a special where, you know, some people have done
social distancing specials.
Or, you know, Bert's doing all his shows driving, movie theater.
And some people are filming those.
I think Colin.
Didn't Colin film those?
And it was pretty good, but it's 90% green room.
So it's fun because you watch the comics interact more than their actual act
because it just honks and headlights.
That's so weird.
So you don't even want to watch the stand-up because there's no crowd.
But Colin is so good at capturing that offstage banter bullshit.
And it's like tough crowd almost.
It feels like that.
They're shitting on Voss and Bobby Kelly.
It's fun.
Last time he was here, I was telling him, like, there's got to be a way to
bring that back.
Because it was, like, legitimately one of the greatest shows in the history of
comedy.
And it showed, it was the best example, other than podcasts, of how comics get
together and talk shit with each other.
But he's so sick of people telling him that.
You got to bring it back, man.
He's like, I know, I know.
No one will hire me.
Fuck you.
Leave me alone.
But I was glad you did it on a microphone because he had to talk about it.
He could do it himself.
Yeah, he won't do it.
People don't have to hire him.
He's drinking Diet Coke.
Getting IVs.
Yeah, exactly.
He won't do it.
But I would love it.
And it's a whole new crop now.
It'd be great.
Yeah.
How's he doing?
Is he okay?
Yeah, he's fine.
He's fine.
He's good to go.
But I'm with you, man.
And this COVID thing, I think it's, like, cleared off a lot of the comedy fluff.
Like, you got to go.
You weren't really into this.
People that aren't 100% dedicated are not doing rooftop shows.
Exactly.
I'm in a fucking park.
Yeah.
Bill Burr was talking to me about doing stand-up in people's, like, fucking
backyards.
Yeah.
I heard he got heckled by a neighbor, like somebody was yelling out of their
house.
And he was like, fuck you, you fucking cunt.
You know, I'm trying to do my job here.
I know I'm in a park.
I'm bad.
I'm vulnerable enough.
You got to yell at me.
He was here Saturday night.
I went to see him at a place out in Dripping Springs, which is not that far
from here, like a half hour from here.
It was awesome, man.
It was freezing cold, right?
So I'm wearing a fucking warm jacket zipped up to the neck, sitting down.
My buddy Todd and Brian Redband, his girlfriend, and my buddy Gino.
And we just watched, like, audience members.
It was amazing.
It was great.
That's great.
And it gives you hope for stand-up because you're like, oh, people actually
want to see this shit.
Like, people are coming out in the cold.
It gives me hope, too, because of the way Bill Burr does stand-up.
Oh, yeah.
He doesn't give a fuck.
He's throwing bombs.
He's one of the best.
And I heard a clip, I think, on here where he was like, I'm going to go to
Dallas and shit on.
I'm going to talk about how I voted for Biden.
Then I'm going to go to Austin and talk about how I voted for Trump.
And people get so mad about that.
I'm like, that's the essence of comedy.
That's what we're doing here.
Why the fuck are we trying to toe the line?
We're supposed to be going against it.
He didn't say vote on.
It said shit on.
Shit on.
I'm going to go to Dallas and shit on Biden.
I'm going to go here and shit on Trump.
That's what it's all about.
He does whatever he wants.
And if you don't want him to shit on something, that's when he's going to find
a way to get you to laugh at it.
Right.
He's going to sneak it in on you, and you're going to be mad at the end, like,
God damn it, Bill Burr got me.
I know.
I thought that's what we were doing here.
So when people get so angry, you're like, what are you doing?
Why are you at the comedy show?
Why are you trying to take comedy away?
I just thought it was interesting that he went on Saturday Night Live and just
did regular stand-up.
Oh, that was special.
It was amazing.
That was amazing.
It was amazing.
They let him do regular stand-up on Saturday Night Live.
But I will say it hurts my soul when I see these queefy crowds going, whoa.
I'm like, this is a comedy show.
It used to be a counterculture.
The opener was George Carlin.
They had Richard Pryor on.
Sinead O'Connor ripped the Pope up.
This show used to have some balls, and now it's become this fucking college
politics fest.
I hate it.
You got to say the right thing.
You got to say the right joke and no punchline.
You got to punch up and like, what are we doing here?
Let's express.
Let's have art.
We're in a crazy, tumultuous time, and you want me to fucking stay in line?
Come on.
Well, in their defense, they put him on Saturday Night Live.
So it's not that they all want the exact same thing.
They must have known his set.
I'm just talking about that crowd.
But the crowd represents this movement that's happening in young people today.
It's a sign of the times.
And I think ultimately, like we were talking about with the Quentin Tarantino
movie,
they're going to recognize that this is a style of art.
It's not like these are statements.
I hope.
He's saying these fucked up things because they're funny.
Yes.
It's not that he really wants this to happen to that person,
or he really wants this guy to die this way,
or he really wants her to choke on a dick.
That's not what he really wants.
And I think people just want a bitch.
He got a lot of hate, which I love that Burr is just getting tons and tons of
tweets,
and just kind of like not caring.
He's like, I don't care.
I just did my act and I move on.
But I read a bunch of them and they're like, he's a racist.
He's a racist.
You want to be like, his wife's black.
And then they go, ah.
What do you mean, ah?
You got to say, I'm sorry.
I called you a horrible thing.
I was wrong.
But they never do that.
No, they're looking for things where they can dismiss you.
They can say a simple statement.
You're a that, and then they can dismiss you.
But being a racist is such a horrible, ignorant thing.
And you just called me that publicly.
And then when I prove you wrong, you go, eh, or you don't even respond.
Well, you're talking to people on Twitter.
This is the problem.
It's a terrible way to communicate with people.
It bugs me.
The way to communicate with people is supposed to be one-on-one.
It's the only thing we're designed for.
Even large groups, people get weird.
That's why we allow politicians to speak that way.
They're speaking in this fucking completely disingenuous way to a large group
of people.
That's a fucked up way to talk to people.
I agree.
It's strange.
It was you and a politician alone, and they were talking to you like that.
You would never trust a word they said.
You'd be like, why is this guy talking to me like this?
Right.
Because we're designed for this.
Yes.
But yeah, face-to-face is lost, and that's really what's big social media thing
is that
if that guy was in the room, he would never say that to me, or you, or whoever,
and it's
a bummer.
I did a bunch of Zoom.
I've done Zoom podcasts, but I've caught way back on them.
With some people, it's important.
Like, they're older folks, or they're far away, and I can't do it any other way,
and
I'll take it, because I just want to talk to them.
But it's just not the same.
No.
And for comics, it's not going to work.
And for important people, like, it's going to be the first time I talk to them.
I'm like, let's wait.
Yeah.
Let's give it a year.
Yeah.
Let's wait until this fucking shit blows over.
You can come in here safely.
It's better.
I mean, these Twitter fights.
You know when you're in your car, and somebody cuts you off, and you're like, I'll
fucking
kill you, you piece of shit.
I hate you.
I hope your fucking kids die.
I'm going to fuck you until you love me.
And then you pull up at the red light, and you're like, oh, hey, what's shaking?
It's all changed.
Yeah.
And that's kind of the same thing when you bump into some guy who's been shitting
on
you.
Well, at least bumping into them at the red light, you feel protected by your
car in the
distance.
Right, right.
Yeah.
Meeting them at a bar face-to-face, that's when things are weird.
Yeah.
I've had that with guys before.
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, where I got into it with them, and then I ran into them in real life.
And, you know, it's like...
It's all different.
Yeah, but I'm also like, listen, this is unnecessary.
You don't have to talk like that.
Like, it's not a normal way a person would talk to someone if they knew the
other person
was going to see it.
Like, there's things that people say where they would never say to your face.
Right.
Not that they're scared of you or anything, but it's just a shit way to
communicate with
human beings.
Yes.
You're giving no consideration whatsoever to how that person's going to receive
it,
no consideration whatsoever to their feelings, but yet you're pretending you're
compassionate.
Exactly.
That's what's the most bizarre thing about it.
It's like you found a way, like a little loophole, to be a cunt while also
pretending you're
the most progressive person alive.
I know.
And, like, I'm a lefty guy, and I get so embarrassed because I'm terrified of
the left.
I'm like, you're going to ruin my life.
Yeah, I'm a lefty guy, too, but I don't look like one.
That's part of the problem.
Yeah, that's a bummer.
People go off looks.
They do.
They lie about it, but they do.
They do, for sure.
Yeah.
And they also go off what you make fun of, like, oh.
That's the other thing.
But, like, I just, I never got that.
Like, just because I'm joking about a group doesn't, why do you go straight to
hate?
Yeah, because it's easy and convenient, and it dismisses you.
Right.
It's a thing.
He's a this.
Phobe.
He's a that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ist, racist, homophobic.
It's just lazy people, too.
There's a lot of lazy thinking going on.
Yeah.
And also, you don't want to, like, take the time to, like, think about, like,
what are
the, you know, what's the nuance to this discussion?
Like, what is, what am I missing?
You know, what is really going on here, and what am I getting out of tweeting
mean shit
at Mark Norman?
What am I getting out of this?
Like, what am I, what am I hoping to accomplish?
Am I waiting for him to respond?
Right.
Like, what am I, am I signaling to my friends, I'm attacking Mark Norman, I'm
going to move
my fucking pawn.
Right, exactly.
Yeah, that's what they're doing.
They're playing a little fucking social chess game.
And then, I usually don't respond, but every now and then they get that one
that just zings
you, and you're like, ooh, that one turned the knife a little, so fuck you, I
can't
help it, and you go in.
That's what they were hoping for.
I know.
That's what they were hoping for.
I'm weak.
Like, man, remember, remember, what year did you start comedy?
41?
88.
So, like, isn't it amazing that you, this never came up until what, seven years
ago,
six years ago?
Yeah, seven, six, seven years ago.
So, you had a great ride.
I had a great ride.
But I, um, I love comedy as much now as I did when I first started.
Maybe even more.
Oh, there you go.
Like, literally have not lost any enthusiasm for it.
Still enjoy it.
Enjoy it more now because I enjoy it as an, I like watching it.
I'm watching as an audience member now, like, purely.
Yeah.
I can enjoy it.
Whereas back then, in the early days, I was too jealous or I wanted to get on
stage.
Oh, really?
I wanted to get on stage.
But you had such a great career.
What could you be jealous of?
In the beginning.
You got TV out of the gate.
I got TV six years in.
That's pretty good.
Yeah.
Well, I was on TV before that with, like, MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour and some
stuff like that.
Oh, even then?
So, you already got credits.
Oh, you shouldn't have been jealous of anything.
And you were a hot guy back then.
There is no way you're not going to be jealous if you're starting out and you're
seeing people
that are successful.
It's just part of the game.
I guess so.
You see people that are killing it and they're doing HBO specials and you're
like, wow.
Like, I remember, like, running into someone that I had seen on HBO and then
seen, like,
I was a year in and seen them at a nightclub and I'd be like, wow.
Yeah, same, same.
That's him.
He's right there.
Dude, I started in Louisiana.
I remember seeing Theo Vaughn back in the day and he was, I don't know, three
years,
four years ahead of me.
And I was like, oh, my God, that guy's been on MTV.
And now I'm like, somebody's on MTV.
I spit in their coffee.
I don't give a shit.
But back then it was like, oh, my God.
You know, it was 2006 or whatever.
It was unbelievable that he had been on TV and I would, like, tremble going up
to talk
to him.
And, you know, he was not a celebrity then, but it was still crazy.
I got to see Richard Jenny when I was an open miker and sat in the front row of
Catch a Rising
Star in Cambridge and he was doing stand-up and it was like a Wednesday night
or something
like that.
So it wasn't even full.
Back then, even as good as Richard Jenny was, he wasn't selling out every show.
Isn't that fucking nuts?
Crazy.
Crazy.
He's so good.
Never gets brought up, by the way.
I bring him up all the time.
All the time.
I'm trying to get people annoyed with me.
I hope they're Googling him.
He was that good.
You know, I got on another, I always was a giant fan, but I got on another
Richard Jenny
kick, like, not that long ago, a couple years back, because I was driving home
from, I think
it was Irvine, somewhere in Orange County-ish.
That's a good club.
And I was driving home and you know how your Bluetooth will randomly sometimes
play a song?
Yeah.
I had a Richard Jenny album on my phone and it started randomly playing one of
his bits
from a steaming pile of me.
Yeah.
And I'm fucking laughing hard while I'm driving.
I forgot how good this was.
So I went and I got the whole album and I started playing the whole album on my
thing on the way,
I listened to it the whole way home.
Wow.
And I was like, this is incredible.
It was so good.
It was so much, some of the writing was so tight.
I know.
So many punch lines.
But he was also great visually, too.
He would do huge act-outs and jump on the stool and backflip and all this shit.
So just the fact that you could hear it and still laugh is a great sign.
He was one of the first guys to wear one of them fucking Bobby Brown
microphones on stage,
too.
He's got his hands free.
Yeah.
He had the big pants on and then, yeah, he was all over the road.
He had done a lot of Tonight Shows and stuff.
Yeah.
He'd done a shitload of them.
So he's used to doing stand-up with no microphone.
Right.
Like on television, he did a lot of stand-up with no microphone.
Uh-huh.
It kind of makes sense.
I mean, I'll never be the douche with the Madonna headset.
Yeah.
Because I just hear my high school friends going, who the fuck do you think you
are?
You're a fucking pop star.
So I could never do it.
But it kind of makes sense.
Because look at this.
I'm just holding this stick for an hour.
Yeah.
You know, and look, some people use it and they hit it on their head and they dangle
it or whatever and make a joke out of it.
But if you're kind of just free and lose, it makes more sense being a comedian,
I think.
It certainly does, but you get so used to having that mic.
I know.
I know.
And then modulating the sound from pulling the mic forward and back.
That's true.
There's a lot there.
Some guys use it a lot.
Yeah.
Some guys hit that punchline.
Right, right.
Hit that punchline.
Right.
They eat the mic.
Hey, that shit.
Yeah.
So I guess you're right.
You can use it for comedy.
Who's fucking cow is it?
You know, like there's that thing that they do.
They get right on the mic when they accentuate the punchline.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Damn.
I had a thing and I lost it.
I got you with the cow?
Yeah.
You got me with the damn cow.
I actually, a heckle popped in my head and it ruined my, because I got heckled.
I was making a fat joke.
And this, this larger lady went, hey, boo, or something like that.
And I went, are you saying boo or moo?
And it killed.
It was one of those magic moments, you know?
If my mom saw that joke, she'd be like, come on, Mark, how dare you?
But at the time I just needed it because she came after me.
Oh, boo is the worst.
I hate a boo.
What do you say to a boo?
It's so dumb.
It's so like, I am more important than all the other people that are laughing.
Yes.
Yes.
My opinion will now shut this show down.
Right.
Right.
That's what she's doing.
Yeah.
She's like, even though other people were enjoying it, she has decided that she's
going to call
on her stack of coins.
She's got a little stack of coins, identity politics, big woman.
They're female, I've got female, and I've got sigh shaming, and I've got body
shaming.
I've got all these chips, and I'm pushing them in.
Yeah, she pushed.
I'm all in.
I took those chips, though, with that moo, I'll tell you that.
Yeah, I had a Zoom show the other day, and I was like-
That makes me sad.
It was literally 400 audience members, which is pretty good, so it paid well.
That's weird.
That's why I did it, and I was like, all right.
Do you hear them laugh?
Huh?
Do you hear them laugh?
Yeah, yeah, so it was pretty good.
Where are you standing?
I just did it on my laptop like an idiot.
I'm sitting in an office chair going, Uber, huh?
You know?
But I was making sure, because I've bombed so many of these corporate-type gigs
where
they've got to be clean, and you've got to say this, and not talk about sex.
So I made sure, like, is there anything I can't say?
Just tell me now, because I'm doing a half hour, which is a lot to do into a
laptop.
And he was like, you can say anything.
Go nuts.
And I go, all right.
And my second joke, I heard an older lady going, no, no, cut him off, cut him
off.
And I was like, oh, they said I can do anything.
I'm sorry.
And I couldn't see who it was, because there's so many little squares.
And they shut her off.
They muted her.
And I was like, oh, this is the only time Zoom has been good.
You know?
Better than a guy, because you can't mute an audience member.
So they muted her.
And they get to laugh, so they can also, they can heckle.
I guess so, yeah.
And she heckled.
This is the beginning.
This is the beginning of some sort of virtual reality comedy that they're going
to do, where
your avatar will be there.
Right.
But yeah, you say, ooh.
But if it gets to the point where every time you go outside, you risk dying.
Right.
But you could strap on this fucking Ready Player One headset.
Yeah.
And be there in front of this audience, sitting down.
Not going to happen.
And then people would be sitting there as their avatars, though.
So every girl would be hot as fuck.
Yeah.
That's true.
That's where feminism is going to go out the window.
Uh-huh.
If you have an avatar, and through your avatar you could be anything you want,
I guarantee
you no one's going to be a big fatty.
Yeah, interesting.
I thought it was beautiful.
What happened?
You're not going to.
If you have your choice, like, my choice is not to be who I am.
Right.
This is unfortunate.
I'm big boned.
I have a slow metabolism.
I have a food allergy.
Yeah.
I have this and that.
Right.
My thyroid's got a lot of insulin.
All these problems, right?
Uh-huh.
But if that was just, all you could do is choose your character.
Yep.
And that is indistinguishable from real life.
Like, you would be some smoking hot woman.
It's true.
They're all going to take it.
Yeah.
Everyone's going to take it.
We would do it, too.
We'd be tall guys with a huge dong.
You'd be Thor.
Full head of hair.
Yeah.
Full crowd full of Thors.
Yeah, you're right.
Which would actually make beauty less important.
Because if we're all beautiful, it doesn't carry as much weight.
It wouldn't work anymore.
No pun intended with the fat.
But yeah.
But you know, but it wouldn't actually be that exciting.
You need the rain to get the sun.
Yes.
Yes.
If every, that would be a curse.
It would be a curse.
If everyone was sexually attractive, then there would be no, if everyone was
that perfect,
there would be no uniqueness in seeing someone who's that perfect.
Right.
Like, if you're around a lot of regular people, and then some, like, Tara
Patrick in her prime
walks into the room, and everybody's like, holy shit.
Yeah, exactly.
Jesus Christ.
I know.
Like, that's what that's from.
But if you walk into a room full of people that look exactly like that, and it's
every
day, it's normal, then it's not unique.
It's not unique, and it's not fun.
I mean, that whole, we are beautiful, and every, it's not true, because then it's
not
beauty.
Yeah.
You're ruining the definition of it.
You're a beautiful soul, but the visual beauty is a tyranny, and people don't
like it.
They don't like that it's not evenly distributed.
They don't like that you can't earn it.
They don't like that it's just, what's more valued than anything when it comes
to the way
men treat women is their looks.
And women.
Women.
Women like Kim Kardashian.
They don't like Susan Boyle.
Susan Boyle's way more talented.
Good point.
Aha.
But this roll of the dice, they don't like the fact that this roll of the dice
determines
whether or not you have the greatest gift.
In terms of the way people treat you, if you are a woman, and you are stunning,
and just
a physical specimen, and you're in a room filled with men, those men are going
to be
stumbling over themselves to help you, and you're going to be telling terrible,
boring
stories, and they're going to pretend like they're awesome, like we were
talking about
earlier.
Sounds like a great cat.
That was my impression of the guy, listening to her.
But yeah.
No, you're completely right.
But it's true.
It's just human nature, and we can bitch and moan about it all day, but it is,
it's biological.
I'm sorry.
If you had the choice, if we entered into a virtual world, and you had to press
that button,
you could be anything you wanted, you're not going to decide to be someone who
looks like
you.
You're not going to decide to be uncomfortable in your own skin.
You're not going to decide to be someone who feels really bad when they have to
sit in
the middle seat because they ooze over into the two seats next to them.
Right.
You're not going to be that person.
And what's interesting about people is when they're the victim, when they're
the loser,
when they win, they tend to act the same way that shitty people were towards
them.
You know what I mean?
Bullies.
Yeah, they turn into bullies, and you're like, isn't this what you kind of
hated?
But now that you have the power, you're a cunt.
And like, you know what I never got?
You see these underwear ads for like plus-size women?
Like, these are real women.
That's what they always say.
These are real women.
It's always like heavyset ladies.
And you're like, so skinny women aren't real women?
Yeah.
So you're now being inclusive because you're allowed to be.
Right.
But if a skinny chick goes, we're real women.
Those are fucking cows.
Then they'll get sued.
But you can do it the other way.
Isn't that interesting?
It's weird.
It's weird.
They're giving themselves a pat on the back.
They're asking for chips.
And we all go, there, look, they're gross.
Let them have it.
They want coins.
They want a stack of coins.
Stack of coins.
I'll take these stack of coins for being big, and I'm beautiful.
I'm big, but I'm beautiful.
Look at my coins.
Yeah.
There they are.
Just like a casino, if I give you money, you'll probably lose it faster than if
you have to earn your own money at Blackjack.
But if you've got someone like Taylor Swift, like look at Taylor Swift's body.
That's just how she's built.
Right?
She's this long, thin girl.
Yeah.
That's just who she is.
Sure.
She doesn't look like she's starving herself to death.
Right.
She's just like Calista Flockhart.
Do you remember her?
Oh, do I.
Tiny, skinny woman.
Yeah, yeah.
Is she real?
She seems like a real woman.
Oh, yeah, exactly.
She seems real.
She's a person.
Different body types, right?
Yeah.
Like there's Ralphie Mae and there's Chris Rock.
Right.
Is Chris Rock not a real man?
No, I guess.
He's a man.
That would be the dumbest statement anybody could say.
Exactly.
Ralphie Mae's a real man.
That's my point.
He's a man as well.
Yes.
But so is Chris Rock.
But they can say it because they're the quote unquote victim or loser or
whatever.
Yeah.
But it's this weird thing that only works with one gender.
Isn't that weird?
Yeah.
It's very strange.
It's because so much weight has been put on females looking beautiful.
There's been weight put on men looking good, but men have this weird out clause
where you
see disgusting fat men with hot women if the fat man is rich.
Well, men are lucky.
Men are lucky in that regard that women will fuck us based on skill or worth.
Status.
Status.
Yeah.
We're lucky.
We're very lucky in that way.
There are those guys that do fuck women based on status.
Totally.
And those dudes live a sad life.
It's a tough life because you're just constantly having to keep that status
going or keep that
career going, whatever it is, just to get laid.
Also, we all know.
Yeah.
We know.
But some dudes seem fine with it.
Like, yeah, like the 90,000 year old guy who's fucking Aunt Nicole Smith.
We know she's not into him.
Yeah.
But we all go, eh, you know.
He's like, who's the joke on?
I'm decrepit and I'm getting plowed by this skank.
So he's like, yeah, I know that she's not actually in love with me, but hey,
she's a piece.
But there's the opposite was I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the man who is batting under his average for a gross woman.
Right.
Because the gross woman has some sort of financial power.
Oh, is that a thing?
Oh, yeah.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I've seen it.
I've seen it.
Yeah.
Because he just wants the money.
Rich woman with a boy toy.
That's a sad dude there.
Sad dude.
Yeah.
That's like, hey, you couldn't get your own worth.
Exactly.
And you're willing to, you know, bang this weirdo.
It's sad for women.
If a woman is in a good relationship and she sees a girl who's a gold digger,
who's, you
know, married to some big fatso, she's like, oh, poor girl.
Right.
I know your value, honey.
Right.
You deserve more than this.
Yeah, yeah.
But that's the biggest misconception is that it's all men.
And look, a lot of it, we're shallow, we're pigs.
But like, women are so shallow to other women.
It's like a hot girl walks in, your girlfriend's now pissed, and you're like,
why?
She could be nice.
Like, I don't like her.
You're like, what if you don't like her?
You don't even met her.
Eh, she's got huge tits and they're out.
I don't like her.
And you're like, all right.
And like, but look at men.
I mean, the tallest.
They don't like the way it makes them feel.
That's what it is.
It makes them feel like this girl's going to get all the attention.
And I remember one of my wife's friends had a wedding and one of her, one of
the guests
brought a girl.
It might not have been one of my wife's friends.
I'm trying to remember now.
But one of the girls brought a guest, one of the guests rather, like a male
guest, brought
a date.
And the date was smoking hot and had like a low cut blouse and a tight, and she
was
fucking furious.
Ah, yeah.
I remember this conversation.
I'd be like, why does she give a fuck?
Because it's her big day.
It's her big, it's her big day.
Right.
Now the attention.
This girl was getting all the attention.
Like, could you like imagine that?
Yeah, that's crazy.
Weird, right?
I mean, but you, you're, I'm an insecure guy.
I see like a tall, hunky, hot guy.
And I don't hate the guy, but I just take it in.
I go, ah, I wish I was, looked like that.
Take solace in the fact that those guys are almost never funny.
Ah, that's true.
Good point.
They're like a hot woman.
Right.
In that, like, they're so rare that everyone's stumbling over themselves to get
to them.
So the guy never developed a sense of humor.
Now, that's not absolute.
There's exceptions.
There, I'm sure, are good looking, tall, handsome, Thor looking dudes who are
hilarious.
Right.
It's rare.
I never met one.
But I heard they're out there.
They're like Bigfoot.
You just got to go finding them.
Well, that's what seems so appealing about Brad Pitt.
He's like this tall, good looking guy.
He's like the, he's like the poster boy for a hot guy.
And I was watching Jackass one time.
And he, some guy was in like a chicken costume.
And he was in a shopping cart.
And the shopping cart hit a speed bump.
He flew out.
And then the helmet came off or the mask came off.
It was Brad Pitt.
Oh, wow.
Pull that up, J-Mo.
It's amazing.
Like, this fucking hunk is hanging out with these dirt bags.
And he's in a fucking shopping cart like the rest of them.
What year was this?
Ah, it was late 90s, I'm sure.
Very early Jackass.
He got, they did a kidnapping on the street to Hollywood.
What year was this?
So he was already a movie star.
Might have been like season one of the TV show.
Oh, he was huge.
Yeah.
So he was already a movie star and he got kidnapped.
So this is clearly set up, obviously.
Yeah.
I think he's at Pink's right there, I think.
Oh, he's at Pink's.
Is that what it is?
The big line?
Yeah.
I mean, look at the guy.
He's beautiful.
And then.
He's cutting the line.
They should have kidnapped him.
Maybe he's just standing there for a while.
No, no, no.
He cut the line.
They cut the video.
They should put him in jail.
But yeah.
That line at Pink's is the dumbest line that's ever existed.
It's a fucking hot dog.
It's not even a good hot dog.
Oh, really?
It's a regular hot dog.
Oof.
It's not like they grab him and they pick him up.
And he's fucking with it.
He's going with it.
He's committing to the bit.
You got to love this guy.
No one helps at all.
They don't give a fuck.
Oh, one guy.
This guy.
The manager.
He half-assed it.
He half-assed it.
Oh, we got a chase.
Where are you going to do that?
This is pre-cell phone camera, too.
No, they got a phone.
That's that.
Got a flip phone.
He's got a flip.
All right.
They're all talking.
They're on the horn, at least.
Calling the cops.
Look, there's the people that didn't sign the waiver.
There's the guy who did sign the waiver.
You can see their blurred-out faces, the guys who wouldn't sign the waiver.
Wait.
But, yeah, at one point, he's in a shopping cart.
I swear to God.
Listen, it's totally possible.
It's totally possible to be...
You know who's got a great sense of humor?
Chris Pratt.
Yeah, he's another one.
He's a hunk.
He's a hunk, but he was a fat guy.
But he was a fat guy for a while.
Exactly.
It all checks out, baby.
Fat guys are funny.
That's what you want.
Yeah.
Fat guy who gets his shit together.
Like, you could even say Jim Carrey was a handsome guy.
He was a handsome guy.
But he was homeless as a kid.
Oh.
And that'll fuck you up.
Oh, yeah.
He lived in a van with his dad or something.
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah.
That's some deep need.
Norm MacDonald, at one point, was a handsome guy.
But he lived on a farm with his grandpa in the middle of nowhere.
So I don't think he got the handsome love.
Yeah.
He's a fucking great guy.
He's my hero.
I love him to death.
Maybe one of the funniest guys on the planet.
Dave Attell, Norm, and that.
Yeah.
Something about those two.
National Treasures.
I agree.
And the fact that he's not, like, the biggest comic of all time is weird.
Well, he is to us.
I guess so.
To comics.
I mean, he's not the biggest, but the comics, he's on.
The Mount Rushmore keeps getting bigger.
I know.
Four heads is not a good enough mount.
You gotta stop using that thing.
Yeah.
It's a bad thing to say, the Mount Rushmore.
But in the Hall of Fame.
Hall of Fame.
That's the thing.
There you go.
Yeah.
He's in the Hall of Fame.
He's, like, on another level where he's invented certain things I never knew.
Like, he's taking comedy to this higher point, which I didn't know existed.
Hmm.
I wish I could come up with an example.
Well, he's another guy, too, that still does real comedy.
Like, when he goes on stage, he's still, he's fucking ballsy.
Yeah.
He swings.
Right.
You know?
Right.
And he gets confused if everybody's mad.
Like, what's happening?
Yeah.
Just a joke, yeah, folks?
He keeps it real.
There was, he's a, I don't, you don't have to pull this up because it's long,
but there
was a radio show, like a morning show, like you have to do on the road for
press.
And he's doing one, and he's like, well, you know, black people, they're poor.
And the lady is like, oh, my God, how can you say that, Norm?
That is so race.
He's like, I'm not, I'm reading the newspaper.
I'm watching the news.
I'm looking at the stats.
They're poor.
And she's like, oh, my God.
And all these black women call in.
They go, Norm's right.
We're fucking poor.
It sucks.
And he's like, you see?
You see?
It was such a great moment.
What radio show is this?
It's on YouTube.
I don't know.
It's just some dickless and jizz in the morning.
You know, one of those things.
People don't like him doing things.
When he was doing his Netflix show, someone specifically did not want him doing
interviews
because he got on the Howard Stern show, and he wanted to say, well, if you
think that way,
you're fucking retarded.
Right.
But he didn't want to be offensive.
So, well, you think that?
You must have Down syndrome.
He thought that would be the better thing to say.
I guess it is.
I'm not sure.
Yeah.
And everybody started freaking out that he said that.
Right.
Instead, he thought he was, like, covering his tracks.
Right.
Right.
Right.
And so he couldn't do interviews after that.
Yeah, he's brilliant.
I mean, the little things.
Like, he's just one of those guys who describes the most basic shit that we all
know, but
it's funny because he points it out.
Like, his Letterman set, the last Letterman, when he goes, yeah, yeah, Germany
decided to
attack the world.
You know?
And you're like, that's so true.
And then he goes, who do you think you are?
Mars?
I mean, it's just so funny.
Those little things where he's just telling you facts, and it's funny.
Yeah.
Well, he's a unique dude.
You know?
There's a lot of unique people in this weird art form.
Have you hung out with him?
Yeah.
I've never hung out with him.
I hung out with him twice accidentally on two separate occasions.
The airplane.
I told you about it, right?
I heard they are the one of them.
It happened twice.
And he's smoking?
Yeah.
That's hilarious.
Smoking as soon as he landed.
He was talking about how great it was to quit smoking.
As soon as he landed, he ran into the gift shop and bought cigarettes and was
lighting them
before he was on his way out the door.
I go, I thought you quit.
He goes, I did.
Talking about it.
I wanted to smoke.
Yeah.
He just does what he wants.
It feels like.
But randomly, on two occasions, I just was sitting next to him on a plane.
Wow.
That's so weird.
One time, I was sitting right behind Richard Jenny, right before he died.
Right before he died.
Did he say hello?
It was from here, from Austin, Texas.
He was in Austin doing, yeah, I said hello.
He was in Austin doing a corporate gig, and I was at Cap City.
Wow.
And we were on a plane.
I'm pretty sure it was Austin.
We were on a plane together at the same time, and I got to talk to him.
Crazy.
It wasn't like a year or so, maybe, before he died.
I can't remember exactly, but it was enough that I remember thinking, fuck, why
didn't
I talk more to him?
Right.
Why didn't I?
How could you know?
Yeah, I would have.
I only had a couple of conversations with him ever.
Yeah.
He's always such an awkward guy.
I met Carlin once, and that was pretty big for me.
I went to a book signing, and I was in line.
It was at a Borders Books on Wall Street in Manhattan, and all these people are
going
up, I loved you in Jersey, girl.
You were great in Dogma.
And I'm like, oh, these people don't get it.
They're not real comedy fans.
And then I went up, and I just unloaded on them, and I had all these books in
my hand.
I was like, I love this bit, and that joke, and that special is one of your
best things
ever.
And he was like, are you a comic?
I go, yeah.
He goes, you sound like a comic.
And I go, really?
He goes, yeah, you got a real talent for jacking around.
And I don't know what that means, but my friends were watching.
They hit the floor.
I hit the floor.
We got a photo, and that was it.
You got a real talent for jacking around.
I met him at the back alleyway of the store.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, he was doing sets there.
And this is like 2000, I want to say it's like three or four, somewhere around
then.
And he was working out material.
Damn.
Super friendly, man.
Real friendly.
Hung around like it was normal.
Normal guy.
Walked right through the crowd like normal.
Said hi to everybody like other comics.
Said hi to door guys.
Yeah.
He's like, hey, how are you?
How are you?
I go, what's up, man?
He goes, hey, how you doing?
Walked right through.
There you go.
Good comics are normal.
Seinfeld, normal guy.
I think at least you got to be able to hang.
I think the hang is a part of the diet.
Like we were talking about, you can eat those MRE meals and survive.
You can be on your own and still be funny and survive, but Jenny was a guy that
didn't
really hang around with a lot of guys.
That's true.
Those guys that don't hang around with other comics or don't like to.
You know, some comics are like as weird as it is, they go on stage and they
perform in front
of all these people.
They're kind of introverts.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I've got a lot of that where I have to force myself.
It's almost like going to the gym.
Like I'll see a table at the cellar of all these great comics.
I'm like, my first instinct is to not go.
I don't want to go over there.
But then I go, ah, just go.
And then it's always great.
Well, what I was saying about the Chappelle shows is that doing these shows out
here and
you know, we're hanging out.
Michelle Wolf's there and Donnell Rawlings and fucking Tony Hinchcliffe.
And there's all these people we're hanging out with and we're having so much
fun.
Yeah.
Like just comics talking shit.
Nothing better.
All like piling on each other and laughing and goofing on things.
And it's so like fulfilling.
Like I feel after it's over, like that's what I was missing.
Oh, yeah.
I was missing those shit talk sessions.
Completely.
With people who don't, they're not going to get offended by anything.
Right.
Like they're just swinging haymakers at each other.
Yeah.
And everybody's laughing.
I know.
And then you get these fans.
You ever have these like people who like your act and they go, hey, you're
coming to Austin.
Let's get a sandwich.
We'll bullshit.
I'm like, what are you kidding?
That's work.
That's the last thing I want to do is talk and listen to you about your family
and your job.
I want to go talk to Wolf and chop it up.
They don't know any better.
It's not their fault.
I guess so.
I guess so.
They're just comics.
They're just comics.
They're just fans rather.
They just want to get to know you.
But that's the cool thing about comedy is like, okay, Mick Jagger.
You could say the biggest musician alive maybe or Paul McCartney.
If you're a barroom guitar act, you're never going to meet Mick Jagger.
But I have met Carlin, you've met Jenny.
Isn't that cool that comedy, the A to B is so much closer?
Man, I met Hicks when I was a literal open miker.
I'd been doing comedy like twice.
What's he like?
I didn't get to talk to him.
I was in his presence, I should say, more than I met him.
He was right there.
I was right there.
I was like, hey, what's up?
I didn't meet him and talk to him.
I met you at the Ryman years ago, and you were a big name, obviously.
It was all sold out.
But I feel like you've escalated to another stratosphere.
But I remember being like, oh, I met Rogan.
That was cool.
But I didn't get much out of you.
And I was like, damn it.
But that's the breaks.
It's not always going to be a headlock and a noogie and a diner hang until 3 in
the morning.
It's risky.
It's risky.
You've got to take a chance when you let a comic into the fold.
Of course.
Where was it we were hanging out, and we hung out in a fucking hotel lobby with
a couple
other comics.
Atlanta.
Like 5 in the morning or something ridiculous.
We were pretty sloppy in Atlanta with Santino.
That's right.
Yeah, that was a great hang.
That was a great hang.
Yeah.
That was a lot of fun.
That was a great comic hang.
Yes.
Just comics, sitting around, talking shit.
Yeah.
There's that two seconds of like, hey, how you doing?
Nice to meet you.
And then, hey, you ever seen that one Leno bit or whatever?
And then you're off and running.
Well, once we started talking about comedy and joke writing and that kind of
shit and
talking about like the dedication, I go, oh, he's for real.
I can tell.
Right.
Because it's hard to know.
You don't know.
Yeah, yeah.
He's a poser.
Sometimes you get guys that laugh at shit that's not really funny.
Right.
And they're just trying to get closer and closer and just want to work their
way in.
That's weird.
That must be how a lady feels all the time.
All day.
It's got to be a nightmare.
Most of them feel.
That's why they think guys are douchebags because most of them are just trying
to slip
their stinky little hog into their body.
Yeah.
Can you imagine everywhere you go?
I know.
Someone wants to slip their stupid little dong into your beautiful, pristine...
Snatch.
...unvarnished snatch.
Beautiful gash.
But here's the thing is every now and then a lady wants you to be that guy.
Isn't that weird?
That's the weird...
They want you to be that guy if you're hot.
Sexual dance.
I know, but...
But if you look like Thor and you're that guy, sometimes they like it.
But how many ladies have you seen and you're like, she's with that guy?
Because she saw something in him, something resonates, something clicks, and
you're like,
maybe I could be that guy.
Well, there's some guys that like bitchy women.
There's some guys that like women that tell them what to do.
They enjoy it.
And they always wind up finding that girl who yells at them and tells them what
to do.
They get off on it.
That's a nightmare.
It's weird.
Yeah, that's a horrible kink to have.
But it's almost like, you know, you meet that girl.
She's like, I keep dating alcoholics.
And you're like, well, yeah, your dad was a drunk.
You know, which is in you.
It's like familiarity.
Or the opposite.
Or the opposite.
Either you gravitate towards it or you run from it with every fiber of your
being.
Right.
Like the dad who hates black people.
And she's like, you know, she's on black.com now.
She went the other way.
She's like, I'll show you, piece of shit.
Look where I am now.
Do you go with the interracial porn?
I like to pretend it's me.
So that's hard to do.
Good point.
It's harder to do.
Good point.
Yeah.
When it's some 6'5 stallion.
With a giant dong.
I mean, black people have to be at least thankful for the dong.
I mean, there's a lot of other stuff.
But imagine being a black guy that doesn't have one.
That's got to be tough.
That's rude.
That's brutal.
That's got to be the worst.
Like, they expect it.
It's like a dumb Asian.
You know what I mean?
How dare you?
Well, I'm saying most Asians are smart.
So being dumb.
Isn't it funny, though, that that's almost racist?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you say that?
Same with the Jewish stuff.
Like, hey, they're great at business.
Oh, you piece of shit.
I know, but it's a compliment.
I remember I was at a show once when I was, I don't know how long in a comedy.
Not very long.
And I did a college.
And someone, I was doing like a little Q&A with the audience.
I did my hour.
And then I was doing a little Q&A.
And someone said, do you know any joke jokes, I think.
I think that was how it started out.
Where are you going?
Where are you going, Jamie?
Going to pee?
Bring us back some whiskey.
Oh, and two glasses.
Oh, boy.
Woo!
Oh, boy.
Two shows tonight.
I go, they go, you know, tell us a joke joke.
I go, I know one.
Two Jews walking to a bar.
They buy it.
Not a good joke.
Terrible joke.
I like it.
This guy came up to me after the show.
And he goes, he was like real timid about it.
But he felt like he had a shot.
And he goes, I was actually offended by that joke.
Oh, boy.
Like legitimately.
This is, we're talking like 1990, 1991.
Yeah.
92, maybe.
Wow.
Yeah.
I go, you were offended.
I go, it's a joke about being good at business.
Yeah.
What's offensive?
Right.
It's a stereotype.
I go, it's a stereotype about Jews being good at business.
Two Jews walking to a bar.
They buy it.
There is nothing offensive about it.
If I was a Jew, I'd high five my Hebrew brethren.
There's zero, there's nothing detrimental.
There's nothing derogatory.
There's nothing negative.
It's like.
No.
How is that, how is that offensive?
And I.
He's looking to be offended.
That's what it is.
And that was pre Twitter.
Wait, that guy must be the biggest social justice warrior of all time now.
Yeah.
Now he's the king.
Now he's probably a professor somewhere.
This is why Seinfeld's a badass.
He's a big heeb.
And I had this joke where I say, I met my girl on that Jewish app.
What's that Jewish app?
PayPal.
And yeah, got a big laugh.
It was a bulletproof bit.
Never bombed.
But I was considering changing it to Venmo.
I was like, maybe Venmo is more modern or whatever.
And Seinfeld in the green room goes, keep it as PayPal because it's got the
word pay in
it.
Yeah.
And I was like, yeah.
And this is a big, you know, this is the King Jew saying this shit.
And that's why he's a more comic than Jew.
Oh, yeah.
Venmo makes you think.
What is that?
You pay money?
Right.
Right.
PayPal is.
Yeah.
Like my mom probably has no idea what the fuck Venmo is.
Right.
But she knows what PayPal is.
There you go.
Yeah.
Invented by Elon Musk.
Yes.
Who's about to be your neighbor.
Yeah.
He's moving out here.
Gave up.
Gave up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, you know, California.
Tired of this bullshit.
It's had its run.
It was great.
California dreaming.
Beach boys.
Good times.
But it feels like everybody's getting hip to it.
Now it's all tents and U-Hauls.
That's a great meme.
Gavin Newsom is like the best thing that ever happened to U-Haul.
Oh, he really is.
Yeah.
Him and fucking de Blasio.
Well, he's got a vineyard open.
He's going to restaurants.
Like the hypocrisy is bananas.
Did you see what happened with the mayor of Austin?
No.
Told people, now's not the time to relax.
We've got to buckle down.
While he was in Cabo partying.
No way.
He made the film.
He made the actual film.
Jamie Brink brought us two half bottles.
We have a whole case of this Austin Still stuff.
It's all right.
No, we don't need more.
We're good.
We're good.
Now, what do you got?
I'm just fucking around.
I'm going to give you this.
Come on.
We're drinking the same things.
Oh, okay.
That makes sense.
And when we're done with that, we'll have this.
All right.
What time are your shows tonight?
Six and nine.
Six and nine.
Oh, it's perfect.
I'll just slide right into it.
Dude, you're perfect.
You're good.
And the show's pretty close to here.
We're going to need more.
I'm going to have to mix whiskeys.
You want to mix?
Yeah, let's mix them.
All right.
We'll get it later.
And we get to honestly say, hey, we did the show and we killed two bottles of
whiskey.
Yeah.
We killed them.
Yeah.
I mean, they were already dying.
Salud, my friend.
Hey, Mazel Tov.
Hey.
Happy Hanukkah.
Is that today?
Yes.
Is it?
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
First day of Hanukkah.
Look at that.
Hey.
Weird how Jew is a religion.
And they, by the way, Jews get no street cred, I feel like, for how much they
were, you
know, tortured and whatnot.
Or, you know, burned in ovens and all that shit.
You don't think they get street cred for that?
No.
I think people are like, ah, you're Jewish, you're fine, you own the weather,
you're killing
it, you know.
You own the weather.
And how, but like every other group is like, you know, gets a lot of, you know,
sympathy.
But I don't feel like Jews get it.
Well, there's a weird ability for some people to accept anti-Semitism when they
would never
accept any other kind of-
That's what I'm saying.
They would never accept any other kind of discrimination.
Right, right.
Some people like, that are weird conspiracy theorists, that's one sign that you're
going
down a dark road and you start blaming things on the Jews.
Oh, yeah, red flag.
It's one of the signs.
It's clockwork every time.
It seems like a little schizophrenic-y too.
Yes.
Like when people go schizophrenic, they oftentimes start blaming things on Jews.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's weird.
And it's the weirdest group to hate because you can't spot them.
You know, like if you hate black or Asian, you're like, all right, I got one
there,
I got one there.
But Jew, you're like, what's your last name?
For the ones that are conspiratorially bent, they start thinking about
Hollywood and Hollywood
controlling the media.
Yep, yep.
And then they start thinking, the Jews are, they're pulling the strings.
Right.
They're pulling the strings.
I know.
But like, there's a ton of anti-Semitic statues.
Like Walt Disney or Roald Dahl.
Was Walt Disney anti-Semitic?
That's the rumor.
Yeah.
But he's got his own, imagine a Robert E. Lee land.
I feel like when you say that, you should probably have some actual things to
pull.
You know what I'm saying?
He's dead.
But if you wanted to say to me, you know, about a person, like Al Capone ran
organized crime.
Syphilis.
Like, are you sure?
Yeah.
No, he did.
He was a mob boss.
Like, I could tell you what I know about Al Capone and him being a mob boss.
Sure.
What can you tell me about Walt Disney?
I've just, I have a lot of Jewish friends and they talk about it.
Right.
And I feel like they would know.
I feel like they would probably know more than you, but I feel like if you're
going to say it, that's a big thing to say.
Sure, sure.
Didn't we get done talking about, like, calling people racist and you don't
really have a good example for it?
You got a point?
You got a point?
Let's find out.
I'm saying I've heard he was an anti-Semite.
I'm not saying he is.
Did you hear it from whiny Jews?
You can't say that either.
They don't exist.
There are no whiny Jews.
But nobody wants to hear it.
But stereotypes have to come from somewhere.
I'm Italian.
I'll tell you about all the stereotypes from Italians.
They're loud.
Most of it's true.
They force food on you.
They hit their wives.
All true.
They're all linked up with the mob.
Yeah.
I'm half Italian and I don't give a shit.
My grandmother went to jail.
Oh, yeah?
My grandmother went to jail for running numbers.
What?
Yes.
How cool is that?
It's weird.
I didn't find out until I was an adult.
When I was a little kid, I knew she had disappeared for a little while.
I didn't know what was going on.
We'd always, like, where's Grandma?
Oh, she's at her aunt.
She's at Aunt Mary's.
Whoa.
The idea of a grandma in the clink is so crazy.
And she was knitting sweaters for the guards.
Like, literally.
Old Italian lady.
Was it, like, Guinea jail?
Like, mob jail?
Like, on Goodfellas where they're eating lobster and drinking Cuddy Sark?
I don't know.
You know, my grandmother got very sick.
She had an aneurysm when I was, like, I was young.
I think I was, I might have been in, like, my pre-teens or maybe early teens.
It was something like that.
But she was supposed to die.
They gave her, like, 72 hours.
And she lived for 12 years.
Wow.
Yeah.
It was a long, slow process of leaving this earth.
Yeah.
And so I didn't get to talk to her much as an adult.
Most of it was as a young boy.
And I was kind of scared of her.
She was a scary lady.
Yeah, yeah.
She would yell all the time.
She had a monkey.
What?
She had a monkey.
Yeah.
She had a monkey named Chi-Chi.
Huh.
Chi-Chi lived in the attic and he would bite people.
But Chi-Chi was, this is terrifying.
She would keep Chi-Chi in the attic because Chi-Chi only liked her.
She shouldn't have had a fucking monkey, man.
No.
And you're not supposed to have monkeys as pets.
So is it shitting up there and everything?
I don't know.
Again, I was a little kid.
Imagine hearing that.
I think the monkey bit my cousin.
I'm trying to remember.
That sounds like a comedy album.
I think the monkey bit my cousin on HBO.
I think it bit someone.
It might have bit my cousin.
I think it bit someone in the family.
That's hilarious.
I feel like it was one of my cousins.
I feel like it was my cousin, Iona.
Did he get powers?
I mean, that sounds like an origin story.
Historian and social critic Neil Gabler,
author of an empire on their own,
How the Jews Invented Hollywood,
said he exhaustively researched Disney
for the 2006 book Walt Disney,
The Triumph of the American Imagination.
I saw no evidence other than the casual anti-Semitism
that was common to non-Jews during Disney's 20th century era.
All right.
All right, so he wasn't really an anti-Semite.
I was wrong.
I take it back.
Oh, but look, Henry Ford, apparently.
He was a big old Jew hater.
Wow.
Never getting attention to his views.
Hmm.
I also heard Dr. Seuss.
What?
Yeah, I heard.
He didn't like the Jewish folk.
Did he rhyme them with news?
What did he do?
Yeah.
Snooze.
He would make up words.
Yeah, he was a genius.
And he's like one of those 11 people said no,
and then the 12th guy said yes,
so like always stick with it, blah, blah, blah.
Well, he's another guy that like he's drawing these things,
and you look at them,
and you immediately know they're coming from Dr. Seuss.
Very strange.
That's true.
There's a few guys that can do that.
Best kind of artist.
Yeah.
They develop this style, and you go, oh, I know who that is.
Right.
Yeah.
Picasso has that.
I mean, Quentin Tarantino has that.
Oh, for sure.
You go, this is a fucking Tarantino movie,
and you get excited when they come out.
Yeah, for sure.
His grandniece backed up Meryl Streep's claims of his anti-Semitism
that she recently, well, it's not recent,
but a couple years ago said in an award ceremony or something.
Hmm.
What does she know about Walt Diz?
I don't know.
That's part of the.
Check out Dr. Seuss and Roald Dahl,
if you don't mind there, Jame Jame.
Meryl Streep, anti-Semite check,
misogynist, of course.
Well, we don't know who's the grandniece, right?
What is she, like, super sensitive?
Yeah, just a weird group to hate.
They haven't done anything.
I can see you can make fun of them,
you can shit on them, but, like.
Well, you know what it is, too?
Like, Jews are one of the rare religions
that doesn't want anybody joining.
That's true.
They don't make it easy for you.
That's true.
My uncle converted.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, my Uncle Sal.
He converted when I was a little kid.
That's when I found out what Judaism was.
Right.
I was real, real young when it happened.
I was, like, seven or something like that.
Yeah.
I remember thinking, like, what?
Wait, I think I was younger than seven.
I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Because we were Catholic.
I was like, there's something else?
Yes.
I was the same way.
What is this other thing?
What is it?
What do they believe in?
Yeah.
They're like, well, it's similar.
They believe in Jesus, but they don't think that Jesus was, like,
really as important as we think he was.
Right, right.
I was like, what are you saying?
I don't understand.
Who's right?
Exactly.
I remember freaking out.
That's a good question for a kid.
Because you just hear other ones, and you're like, that's crazy.
And you're like, oh, ours isn't?
This guy's coming back from the dead and put on a cross and all that shit?
Yeah.
They're all crazy.
It's all crazy.
But it's like their version of it was different than our version of it.
I was like, well, what are the differences?
And I remember nobody wanted to answer me because I was annoying and I was six
or whatever it was.
Yeah.
Such an odd group to hate.
But, you know, religion, I went to Catholic school, and we had one Jewish kid
there,
and he took a ton of heat.
Did he?
Oh, my God.
Just the hebe and the circumcised, hey, rabbi and Sabbath.
They wave bacon in his face and shit.
Well, I went to high school at Newton South High.
And, like, we used to call it fast times at Hebrew High.
Uh-huh.
Because there was a lot of Jewish kids in my class.
So I was, from that point on, from high school era on, I was so used to being
around Jewish kids.
Right.
It was so normal.
Yeah.
So the, like, any sort of discrimination or any sort of, like, derogatory shit
about Jewish people didn't make any sense.
I agree.
They were all regular guys.
And then when you start doing the math, you're like, all my heroes, you're like,
oh, Groucho Marx, Jew.
Larry David, Jew.
You just start going online, you're like, I love Jews, and I'm a wannabe.
You're a wannabe Jew?
Yeah, oh, yeah.
Mormon sounds Jewish.
You think?
Kind of could sneak it in.
I'll take it.
Because, look, I grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood, so I was the
white guy.
Well, if you find yourself a nice Jewish lady, then you can convert.
And then your kids will be Jewish.
Because the kids, the mother determines the religion of the kids.
That's true.
It's like balding.
Yeah.
That's on the mom's side.
That's not even a joke.
It's true.
It's true, yeah.
Yeah.
But they had, Jews had a little flavor.
They had something.
They had a history.
They're oppressed.
Yep.
As the white guy, you're just like, ah, I'm the token boring nerd.
Well, also, they have a history of fantastic success.
Yes.
You stop and think about all the Nobel Prize winners that happen to be European
Jews.
It's crazy.
And back when they were shit on.
Yeah.
They still won all that shit.
Well, the numbers of, like, European Jews that have invented things and won
awards.
And the other thing is that they stick to themselves.
So, like, when people stick to themselves, they get discriminated against.
That's true.
You know, there's a lot.
That's a weird thing that happens when you've created.
A friend of mine described it really well.
He said, you create a walled garden and other people can't get in.
And they automatically hate those inside the walled garden.
Even though they don't really hate you.
Right.
One of the things they hate is that they can't be there.
Right.
Not to mention, though, we're chosen.
So, he's kind of going, oh, you're chosen.
I'm not chosen.
What the fuck?
Yeah.
He was talking about just one of the things about comics, about groups of
comics.
When you get a great group of really funny guys and they hang out together or
girls or whatever,
that sometimes they get hate from people on the outside.
Yeah.
Because they wish they were, they wish they had that going on.
Right.
And so, they get angry and they snipe at it.
And I think if you see, like, any kind of real, like, strong...
Bond.
...loyal unity.
Yes.
And the Jews have a very loyal unity.
I agree.
But it would look bad if other groups did it.
You know, if other groups were like, you can only, if you were like, you can
only marry
a white guy to your daughter.
Right.
Then you'd be like, Jesus, what's up with Rogan?
But when they do it...
Right, but you say that's your son, you need to marry a Jewish girl.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Find yourself a nice Jewish girl.
Because they want the religion to pass on.
They want to keep going.
Yeah.
You're allowed to do that, right?
That's weird.
That is weird.
If other groups did it, it'd be very frowned upon.
Well, if Muslims do it, you let it slide.
That's true, too.
I don't want to say shit.
That's true, too, yeah.
I don't want to say shit.
I'll just let it go.
I think the weirder you look, the more it's okay.
Yeah.
But if you're a Christian, you say, I want my son to marry a Christian girl,
people are
like, come on, Dad, let it go.
Yeah, right?
Jesus Christ.
Aren't you happy the kid's in love?
Exactly.
Does she have to be a Christian?
Right.
Just because you are?
Really?
Yeah.
Let him be his own fucking man, pops.
Also, what's crazy about Jews is they're so prominent.
We talk about them a lot.
They're around.
You know them, they're 6% of the country.
6%.
Very small number.
Very small.
And look at all the progress and the work they've done for 6%.
And look at all that puppeteering.
Pulling all those strings at CNN and Hollywood.
Dr. Seuss apparently made cartoons in opposition of anti-Semitism.
Ah, damn.
You son of a bitch.
Man.
You don't know what you're talking about.
I'm taking down every dead guy.
He got some shit for making some very racial cartoons about Japanese and
Japanese Americans,
but then apparently that's what Horton Hears a Who is about.
Oh.
It's almost like an apology for it, I guess.
Oh.
Okay.
Okay.
Interesting.
I'm just trying to read through it real quick.
You know what's really weird?
Watching old Bugs Bunnies.
Oh, it's crazy, huh?
The Japanese racism.
Japanese, yeah.
Oh, my God.
The black stuff is weird.
He'll do blackface.
And he's like, huh, yeah, huh, huh, huh, huh, and all that shit.
It's crazy.
Are those still available?
I think they're around.
That's the thing.
Say if you have a cartoon, and the cartoon is clearly discriminatory, clearly
racist,
clearly sexist, whatever it is, sexist, misogynistic, whatever it is, do you
leave it there to show
that people are different, or do you remove it from the record?
I think you leave it.
That was the discussion about Little Rascals, right?
Oh, Ote.
Yeah, a lot of people thought Little Rascals was, like, crazy racist.
Well, the Buckwheat character was crazy.
Or, you know, Mark Twain.
Yeah, N-word Jim.
They're literally taking these books off the shelves of schools and libraries.
Bugs Bunny nips the nips.
Oh, man.
Oh, my God.
Wow, I've never seen it from, like, when I was in college.
Look how shaky it is.
Like, the animation back then was, like, it was all done by hand, so nothing
ever stood still.
But this was state-of-the-art, too.
Oh, there he is, the little Asian guy.
But you've got to remember, this is the enemy of the war.
This is from 1944.
Yeah, exactly.
So this is during the war.
Yeah.
Wow.
And all the Japanese guys have glasses and buck teeth.
Yeah.
What a weird...
Isn't that weird that that became the stereotype, glasses and buck teeth?
Like, you knew it was an Asian guy?
You've got to pick one thing.
Yeah, but you know, like, Milton Berle used to take his cigar and stick it in
his mouth
and do, like, an impression of an Asian guy.
Right.
And talk Asian.
But the buck teeth was standard.
Yeah.
That was a part of the impression.
That's true.
How weird.
That's interesting.
Yeah, I wonder if they had different...
Like, you know how British people have bad teeth?
I wonder if that was, like, an Asian thing, too.
Pull up Milton Berle does impression of Japanese guy.
That was like a Catskills type thing.
That was huge.
One guy must have did that and got a laugh, and they all stole it from him.
And then look at fucking John Panette.
His whole act was the Asian voice.
And that was fine.
That totally flew.
Oh, right, right.
That never bit him in the ass.
That was the 80s.
I watched John Panette murder when I was, like, a year into comedy.
I was living in Boston.
This is a Japanese guy.
That guy doesn't learn Japanese.
No, that guy was a civilian.
That's just karate.
Right.
Guy's just doing judo.
I watched John Panette went up, and he...
He was a killer.
He had some sort of a deal with Nick's Comedy Stop.
I don't remember what the deal was, but they were managing him or something
along those lines,
so they would get him up on the stage all the time.
And he was just starting to pop, like, just starting to pop.
And he went up on that stage, and he was doing this bit about going to a
Chinese restaurant
and eating at the all-you-can-eat buffet.
Yeah, that was his big signature.
That was his big bit.
And I watched that bit in front of, you know, like, the 350-whatever people at
Nick's Comedy
Stop just fucking leveled a room.
Yeah.
Like a nuclear bomb went off.
Yes.
You watched, like, people fly backwards.
I know.
Dying.
It's still funny.
You listen to it now, you're like, this is fucking hilarious.
Hilarious.
But I'm sure the Asian people are like, Jesus, here we go.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
But they don't complain.
Have you noticed that?
You don't see a lot of Asian complaints.
I think they're too busy with the cello and the studying or whatever it is.
Well, some of them have pointed out, and rightly so, that it's kind of fucked
that some colleges
have changed their admission standards for Asians.
That's fucked up.
That's fucked up.
Harvard has made it more difficult for Asians to get in.
I don't get that at all.
Because there's so many of them that kick ass at Harvard.
So they're like, well, we've got to slow these bitches down.
They're fucking up the curve.
But you say, hey, work hard, study, you know, hustle, and then you do it, and
then we've got to give you a handicap and pull you back?
That's fucked up.
Well, they definitely have a point.
I've seen the argument.
It's an interesting argument.
What's their argument?
What, the Asians' argument?
No, no, the Harvard.
Well, no, that's not a good argument.
Oh, that's okay.
No, I've seen the Asians' argument that Harvard's doing this to them.
Because it's not straight up like they're just completely discriminating based
on the fact they're Asian.
They're kind of sneaking it in with, like, basing it on various aspects of
their personality and how they engage with people.
And different activities that they gravitate towards.
And they're making those more valuable.
And I had a conversation with a guy who was actually with Andrew Yang when he
was here about it.
Here meaning on the show.
And he was explaining it to me.
I was like, oh, wow.
So it wasn't as cut and dry as I thought.
I thought it was like, oh, if you're white, you have to get this point.
But if you're Asian, you have to get that point.
It's not that clear.
But it's definitely geared towards there's a reason why they did it.
Yeah.
And they did it because there's so many Asian people that were kicking ass.
But that's not their fault.
And getting amazing grades and being super dedicated and getting into the
schools.
They should be rewarded.
I mean, what if we did that with NBA?
Like, hey, I'm a seven-foot black guy with a killer jump shot.
Okay, you've got to shoot from back there.
Yeah, exactly.
You've got to get in stands.
Exactly.
I mean, it doesn't make sense.
Yeah, it's a non-competitive thing.
And it's a weird thing.
It's like, are you doing this because you're admitting that you can't compete
with them?
Were you worried that other people can't compete with them?
I guess so, yeah.
It sounds like it.
Again, why sports are always so fun?
Because it's just meritocracy.
No one cares about the color.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No one's complaining that there's too many black people that are on the NBA.
Yeah.
And again...
They're really good at it.
They're good at it.
I'm sorry.
But we won't accept that same standard when it comes to Asian people in
universities.
Right.
And also, we don't want to get our kids in the NBA.
You want our kid to go to Harvard.
So that's another factor.
I wonder what Harvard's argument is for why they do it.
They just don't want it fully Asian, I guess.
But why are you looking at it that way?
Just full of people.
What if they did that?
But what if the Asians were literally willing...
At what point in time would you decide it's not healthy?
What if one group was studying until they literally dropped dead?
Sure.
Like 10% of them were dying before they got to the finals.
Yeah.
Well, the sad thing is I don't think college is as important as it used to be.
No.
So...
I like how you did this with your hand.
Well, I'm just saying.
Accentuate.
I don't think we need it.
I mean, look at the internet.
Look at everybody's doing their own thing and starting apps and startups and
all this tech
shit.
So, like, just do that, Asians.
Stop worrying about the Harvard grades.
Well, this is where I thought that having college free would benefit everybody.
Because part of the problem is you're all in on this career.
If it costs you $250,000, it doesn't give you the flexibility to change careers.
If you're just getting educated.
Right.
You're just getting educated.
It's not necessarily...
You didn't spend any money.
Yeah.
Just like you did your work and you got a free education by the government
because your
parents pay taxes.
Like, makes sense.
Yeah.
But how serious are kids?
I barely took college seriously.
I failed out of three colleges.
And I paid for it.
So, imagine if you don't.
But is it going to make you more serious if you don't?
I think if you pay for it, you're going to work a little.
You're going to go, I should go to class.
I'm paying for this shit.
But you didn't even work for it.
I know, but I'm an idiot.
Yeah, but I think you would have done the same thing if it was free.
I don't know.
I think you're a comic.
That's what it is.
That's what it is.
Yeah.
That's why I quit, to go do comedy.
I only went to college because I didn't want anybody thinking I was a loser.
Because I got tired of telling people I was taking a year off.
Oh, yeah.
Especially back then.
Dude, I would tell people and the fucking look they would give me, it was so
depressing.
Right.
It was such a bummer.
I know.
And it was disappointing everyone.
When I'm taking a year off, like, oh, loser.
Yeah.
And that was New England, too, which is a very-
It's a college town.
Blue collar, go to work.
Oh, I see.
Well, you had to work hard.
Like, even though it's a college town, like, there's a lot of-
More colleges per capita in Boston, I think, than any other city.
Yeah.
But there was also, like, cold weather.
Yeah.
And you had to fucking shovel snow.
You had to work hard.
You had to get up in the morning.
You had to do things you don't want to do.
Right.
Like, that's rewarded.
And if you're a take a year off guy-
Ah, I see.
Like, what are you doing?
Yeah.
What the fuck are you doing with your life?
Because where I come from, the take a year off guy is a badass.
You're like, oh, you're going to Nepal or, you know, whatever, Tibet, you know,
like, to backpack?
Yeah.
So you're like, oh, you've got to figure it out.
You're open-minded.
No, there was none of that.
Oh, yeah.
It was a different time, too.
Right.
Like, I graduated high school in 85.
It was a different era.
Reagan was president, I think, still.
Yeah.
Was he still president then?
I think so.
Whatever it was, it was a dark era.
Damn.
Yeah.
But maybe a better era.
Well, the good thing about it is there was a real chance that you were never
going to
get your shit together and you're scared.
Yeah.
And so that led me to get my shit together.
It's good.
Yeah.
Being dismissed for not going to school right after high school, not going
right to college.
Right.
But I wasted time there.
I didn't learn anything.
I did, too.
I didn't learn a goddamn thing.
The fear thing is so true.
I mean, I felt like when I was in high school and college and all that, going
to parties,
I had a constant fear of being punched in the face.
Ooh.
It was completely normal to get punched out.
Not punched out, but like, if you said the wrong thing, all right, these guys
are going
outside and all that shit.
Right.
And I think that kept me in line.
Oh, there's definitely that.
But that's, you know, it's like an argument for bullies.
There's an argument for...
I'm not...
I think it's natural.
You could...
I mean, now they're on the internet.
They're always going to exist.
You can anti-bully all day long, but they're always going to be there.
Well, I dealt with a lot of bullies, and that's why I got into martial arts.
Right.
That's the reason why I got into it.
And if everybody was really nice to me and I didn't...
I wasn't terrified all the time, I probably would have never gotten into
martial arts.
There you go.
That's my whole point.
I remember very clearly after some kid kicked my ass, some kid threw me down in
the locker
room and could have punched me in the face, but didn't.
Just kind of held me down and humiliated me.
Oof.
I remember thinking like, okay, this can't happen anymore.
Not only did he do that, but then I was avoiding him.
I remember being so embarrassed because I was looking out the window to where
the door
was, and I noticed that he was on the other side of this little breezeway, and
he was
on the other side, and I saw him there, and I was like, shit.
And then someone opened up the door because they wanted to go through, and I
was just standing
there.
So I was like, oh, shit.
Right.
And I just felt like such a pussy.
Yeah.
And I remember it very clearly.
I don't like this feeling at all.
Yeah, that's a bad feeling.
But what a psycho.
This guy is like, there he is.
I'm fucking him up.
But that's how normal boys behave.
I guess so.
Especially if they find that you're weak and you're scared.
I just didn't know anything.
I didn't know how to fight at all.
It's a horrible feeling.
It was the worst.
I got knocked out in college, and I pissed myself.
So I was laying on somebody's front lawn, and I woke up.
My girlfriend's going, oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
And I come to, and I look down, and my pants are soaked, which is like fucking
kicking a
dead horse.
All right?
I'm already humiliated.
I got knocked out.
And now I'm covered in urine.
Do you remember what it was about?
Yeah.
It was a fight in New Orleans.
It was over Mardi Gras.
It was a bunch of college dudes, and I had a bunch of college friends.
And we all started going at it.
And one guy ran up, and my girlfriend goes, there's a guy running to us.
And he knocked.
He had a running start and hit me, and I saw a white, I remember.
So you didn't even know the guy.
He just ran up to him and touched you.
Didn't know the guy.
And I came to, and everybody's just over me.
He's just fighting like a melee.
Brouhaha.
I remember looking at my friend.
His face was on the grass, and he was getting stomped on by a Birkenstock.
Oh, my God.
And I was just like, geez, this is bad.
Then the cops broke it up eventually.
But I had a welt the size of a fucking cue ball on my eye for two days.
But, yeah, you know, it was part of it, just growing up.
You got hit every now and then.
It's so dangerous, too.
I know.
When people get knocked out like that, they die.
It happens often.
I was lucky to be on a lawn.
Yeah.
Oh, for sure.
Yeah.
For sure.
If you were on the concrete, that could have been the end.
Yeah, yeah.
And that happens to people.
They don't even think twice about it.
I know.
Ah.
Then you think, like, you have daughters, right?
Yeah.
Aren't you kind of glad that somebody's not going to eat?
They're not going to get beat up?
Well, you hope.
They got beat up by a guy.
Ugh.
Guys beat women up, man.
Yeah.
We're not girls.
Like, the physical vulnerability that a woman feels when she's around some
really aggressive,
shitty man has got to be horrible, man.
Especially when you're intimate with this person.
Right.
When this person's hitting you.
That's crazy.
It's crazy.
I know.
I could never do it.
I could never, like, I'm not saying I'm some saint, but I could never, like,
punch a lady.
It's just, my brain wouldn't go that way.
You ever have a girl punch you?
Oh, yeah.
How many?
I don't know.
One or two, you know?
I mean, I think women are, like, wired that way.
Like, you step on their foot and they're like, hey!
And they hit you.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, that's just, they hit you in the shoulder or something.
You ever have a girl, like, took a good swing at your face?
Never had that.
Never had that.
I had stuff thrown at me.
You know, like, a vase or a plate.
Whoa, a vase.
Oh, yeah.
A vase can fuck you up.
Yeah, I dodged it.
It was a girl throw.
But, no, it was, you know, you get heated.
I get it.
But, like, yeah, hitting a lady is crazy.
Imagine balling up your fist and hitting a broad.
Some guy said to me, do you know that most domestic violence is women against
men?
Did you know that?
Some guy.
I did not know that.
And I go, you know why you know that?
Because you're a bitch.
What are you talking about?
You worry about girls beating you up?
Right.
Are you worried about a girl beating you up?
Are you worried about a girl raping you?
No.
And maybe beating you to death?
What are you saying to me?
Yeah.
What are you saying to me?
The men are the real victims?
No.
When men beat up women, they die.
Sure.
Like, men can kill women with their bare hands.
There's a difference, right?
Yeah.
There's a man.
There's a woman.
Like, there's a spectrum, clearly.
But, generally speaking, men are more dangerous and violent than women.
Yeah.
Kind of, we all agree on that.
I agree.
But women will kill you slowly.
Like, they'll...
Kill your soul.
Well, you know, you always watch these, like, killer women, you know, on True
TV.
And it's like, they put antifreeze in the guy's oatmeal every day for six years.
And he eventually croaks, and they can't figure out why.
That was that HBO autopsy show.
Yes.
With Michael Badden.
Yes.
Remember that?
They would catch people doing things like that.
I love that shit.
Like, oh, my God.
Like, she slowly poisoned him with arsenic.
Yes.
Yes.
There was one where a woman slowly killed a guy, and she put it in his aspirin
bottle.
So, it was a full bottle of aspirin.
She put one cyanide pill or whatever it was.
So, she had to wait all those years for him to have enough headaches to take
the right pill.
How fucking methodical is that?
What a fun time for her.
I know.
Every day.
Is today the day?
This could be it.
Jim's going to group.
I've got a headache.
Well, honey, we still have some aspirin.
Yeah.
She goes, he goes into the bathroom, and she just sits there and waits to hear
the scream.
Exactly.
See his mouth foaming.
She's like, yeah, my number came in.
I know.
That's wild.
And then they took aspirin off the shelf.
She started screaming at him.
You fuck.
I've waited for this day for years.
I know.
Imagine you're dying.
You can't believe it's your wife that did this to you.
And you think about all the mean shit that you ever said to your wife, and you
realize
she's been storing it up inside.
You wait for you to suck down that one lone cyanide pill.
And then she's really gangster.
She drops it in there and shakes it up.
Shakes it up so it gets to the bottom.
Oh, my God.
Makes that pill.
Let's wait a while.
You scared me, Joe.
Let's wait a while.
That's a bit.
Let's wait a while for Tom to kick the bucket.
Yeah.
Well, one of my friends was murdered by his wife.
Come on.
Phil Hartman.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
As a wife that I tried to get him to leave.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Damn.
I was telling him, bro, you got to get divorced.
Yeah.
She was mean to him.
Mean to him publicly.
Make fun of him in a way that you could see bothered him.
She would talk about her ex-boyfriends.
They used to have pickup trucks.
Max's boyfriend had pickup trucks.
I love trucks.
Whoa.
Like weird shit.
Just make him uncomfortable.
Yeah.
We've got a bad relationship.
They'd split up a couple of times, and I was like, bro, just get out.
He didn't want to get out.
He was worried about a lot of things.
You know, there was the fact that he was a father.
Right.
And he didn't want to separate from his kids.
The fact that he didn't want to give up the money.
The fact that he had a sort of a reputation of being this family man.
Right.
He was this guy.
Divorce is scary.
I'm scared of marriage.
My gal's pushing it, but...
How hard?
It's getting a little tense.
Thinking about breaking up with her?
No, no.
She's a great gal, but I'm just saying I'm scared.
Because I'm only just scared of divorce.
Yeah.
Because you change.
You grow.
You move on.
Whatever it is.
And I don't like that blemish of a divorce.
Even though it's not a big deal, and I'm overreacting, but I don't know.
It's a legal complication.
Yeah.
In a lot of ways.
It's coming from someone who's happily married.
Yeah.
There's a thing that you're doing where you're saying, we're going to bring
other people into
this.
Like, even though this is a romantic bond between two people that just enjoy
each other's
companies, we're going to make this a legal thing involving the state and laws.
Yes.
We're going to have laws and lawyers.
We're going to draft paperwork, and there's going to be revisions and reviews.
We're going to go back and forth with this stuff until we get it right.
Sounds romantic.
Or you could have no prenuptial agreement and take the ultimate risk that when
in the
heat of battle, when you fucking hate each other, and you want to break away,
then you're
going to be cool with each other and work this out amicably.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Then you're going to be like that fucking guy who's trying to get money from
that Kelly
Clarkson.
Yeah, exactly.
You're going to ask for ridiculous amounts of money, because if you start at 10
and you
really want 10, you're not going to get 10.
No.
You've got to start at 30.
Yeah.
You've got to scare the shit out of them.
We're in for a long haul.
Did you watch A Marriage Story?
No.
Oh, it's all about this.
It's just a brutal divorce, and it's a nightmare.
Who's in it?
Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson.
Great movie.
Great writing.
Great acting.
But holy shit.
It's just like the lawyers are going, well, what about that time you got drunk
and dropped
Timmy?
And oh, I don't think she's fit.
And she's like, you told them about that?
And they start crying.
Oh, it's fucking brutal.
They have to.
The lawyers are going to battle.
Because you've got to win.
My friend got divorced, and his ex drug it out for years on purpose to try to
drain him financially.
And she was not working.
So he had to pay for her lawyer.
Oh!
So he's paying his legal fees for his lawyer.
He's paying her legal fees for her lawyer.
So he's paying for the army.
Yes!
It gets worse.
Psychological.
Paying for the army.
Psychological.
And paying for the general of the army that's trying to take him down and ruin
his life.
Yeah.
Here's how it gets worse.
She knew that they were going to get divorced.
Oh, God.
So she decided to meet with a bunch of different lawyers.
All the best lawyers in town.
Yeah.
So those lawyers could never meet with him.
Oh, man!
So she specifically targeted the top lawyers, the top divorce lawyers in town,
and sat with
them and talked to them.
And unbeknownst to them, because this all happened pre-internet days.
Yeah.
You know, she would go to another one.
Oh, my God.
Then she would go to another one.
This woman needs a hobby.
She did it for a while.
Ugh.
Yeah.
That's evil.
How could you go from, this is the person I want to spend my life with and love
and she
loves me.
It gets worse.
It gets worse.
How could it?
Here's how it gets worse.
They've been divorced longer than they were married.
Uh-huh.
And he's married now with a family.
Yeah.
A new wife.
And he still pays her hundreds of thousands of dollars a year.
Was he rich when he married her?
He had some...
Well, he made money during the relationship.
So you have to always pay that level.
Yeah.
Well, they don't have a family.
They don't have children.
Oh, yeah.
It's just marriage.
So just...
So he fucked her so hard she can't work.
Right.
Right.
Like, he's responsible for her whole life.
Oh.
That's cruel.
This is crazy.
It doesn't make any sense.
Yeah.
They've been divorced 14 years.
They were married for 12.
Wow.
And he's still paying hundreds of thousands of dollars every year.
Like, she can't work.
He fucked me too hard.
I can't work.
You're scaring the shit out of me here.
It's crazy.
It's crazy.
It's terrifying.
But it was no prenuptial.
He didn't have a prenup.
And you're in California, which is a crazy state.
Right.
California's like...
You know, they...
Look, there's an industry in...
I don't care if it's the man or the woman.
Whoever...
You see what this Kelly Clarkson thing.
It's not a matter of male or female.
It's who's got the money.
Right.
You can think of it as my team.
Yeah, girls.
We got that one.
Or guys can think of it like with Tom Arnold.
Yeah, one for the boys.
You know, he's winning the fucking lawyers.
The lawyers are cleaning up.
This was the thing that Phil Hartman said to me.
He got really crazy.
I go, just give her half.
He goes, it's not half.
He goes, it's a fucking scam.
It's two thirds because the lawyer gets a third.
And I was like, whoa.
Holy hell.
And he was doing really well then.
Yeah, yeah.
But he was doing really well for a guy who had really struggled his whole life.
Yeah.
He didn't get on Saturday Night Live.
Until, I don't remember how old he was then.
But he was like 46 when he was on news radio.
Damn.
So when I met him.
So, you know, he was protective of his, so talented.
Yeah.
And he was very protective of his success.
Yeah, yeah.
And the money that he made was hard earned.
Right.
Hard earned and came late in life.
And he just.
I mean, you start to get the hitman thing after a while.
You know, you're like, oh, I could just hire a person and finish this problem
off.
Whether you do or don't, the real thing is that there's an industry designed to
extract money
from people that are going through an emotional and, you know, disturbing
breakup.
Yes.
And you have a legal bond.
So the legal bond allows people that are good at it to manipulate this sort of
discussion and accentuate the arguments.
And I'm sure that was in that movie.
Oh, yeah.
They ramp up the fights.
Definitely.
And that's how you ramp up the money.
Yeah.
And you ramp up this.
And now you're going to war and you're battling.
And the longer you drag that war out, the more the lawyers get paid.
I know.
And you can see there's moments in the movie where he'll go up to her face to
face like,
Why are you doing this to me?
What are you, crazy?
We're human beings.
And she's like, eh, you know, you live, you learn.
That's life.
And you're like, whoa, so you're buying into this shit.
Yeah.
That's what scares me is like people have that evil in them and the lawyers
will pull it out.
Yeah.
Because you don't want to lose.
You'll do whatever it takes.
I mean, it's like the right and the left.
You see them fighting and you're like, dude, we're all Americans.
Hey, take it easy, everybody.
But they just want to win.
I like how you brought this back to politics.
Ah, shit.
I shouldn't do that.
No, you did a good job.
I'm just saying.
It's true.
But it's more intimate, right?
It's obviously the emotions involved in the right and the left pale in
comparison.
Emotions involved in a divorce couple.
Totally.
Some people get divorced and they're great.
They're great friends.
I know.
They don't have a problem.
I got a buddy who got divorced.
They both hugged it out and now he's friends with her still and she's got a new
guy and
he's got a new girl and everybody's fine.
Yeah.
It can happen that way too.
But people vary so much personality wise.
I know.
People don't want to lose.
No.
A lot of people hate it.
I know.
But I think it's weird that a prenup is insulting.
Why?
I thought we were in love.
Isn't that weird?
That's an insult.
Like, how could he say that?
Or how could she say that?
You're like, why?
So why are you marrying me then?
Here's the thing they'll say.
It's pretty cut and dry.
But here's the thing they'll say.
You are not all in.
Because you want a prenup.
Right.
So if this goes bad, you want to protect yourself and you want to save your
money.
Because your money is more important than this relationship.
You're not all in.
Yeah.
I guess not.
I guess I'm not all in.
But here's where that's bullshit.
You're not all in.
Uh-huh.
Because if you were all in, you would know we're never getting divorced.
This doesn't even matter.
Hey, nice spin, Rogo.
I like that.
That's good.
I'm getting nervous about this show.
I go on in half an hour.
Oh.
Well, you'll be fine.
We should wrap this up.
We should wrap this up.
I mean, I'm having a blast.
Do you have an opening act?
How many opening acts?
Two.
I try to keep it limited.
These guys put 19 people on the shows nowadays.
Do you know the people that are opening for you?
I don't.
I know.
It's a roll of the dice, but I told you that.
You might want to stay a few minutes.
You might want to avoid it.
But I'd like to see what I'm up against, hack-wise.
Oh, that's true, too.
Yeah, but you don't want to watch too much of that.
It's contagious.
Not contagious, but it really does.
I can't watch if someone's bad.
It makes me feel like there's no comedy.
Comedy's not real.
I know.
I know.
Because the audience is going, what the fuck is this?
What kind of show is this?
But there's a lot of good comics in Austin, so I would imagine that if they're
smart enough
to hire you, they're probably smart enough to hire some good local people.
Oh, I appreciate it.
There's a lot of good local people.
Okay, yeah.
Well, it's so weird that the club closed, because I didn't know this club was
month-to-month.
I thought they were killing it.
It's like a legendary room.
It's a legendary room, but it was going through COVID.
Man.
Nobody's getting through this and killing it.
No.
Yeah.
Except for the plexiglass guy.
That's the one guy killing it.
Plywood guy.
Plywood guy.
The heat lamp guy.
Those guys are killing it.
Pfizer.
Guys who sell tents.
So what, did we invent the vaccine, or did, it's coming out of Belgium.
England is working on it right now.
Yeah, I'm like, ah, shit, I thought we had one.
I mean, they're already shooting people up with it.
I know, I know.
My doctor took it.
Did he?
Yeah, he said he feels great.
Wow.
He's in the hospital doing shit without a mask on.
He doesn't give a fuck.
Whoa.
I'm joking.
I'm joking about that.
But yeah, he's like, I don't know why you wouldn't take it.
Fuck it.
So he got it already, huh?
Yeah, last week.
Did he say he got real sick?
He said he felt woozy, but he was fine.
Next day, 100%.
Is he a robust doctor?
Yeah, he's 65, too.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
Good for him.
I know.
Yeah.
He does all the work for the comics.
Everybody should be rooting for the vaccine, right?
If it works out, and we could all get back.
The thing that I just heard that was fucking freaking me out, and by the way, I
heard it
from America's most trusted news source, Tim Dillon, on his Twitter page, it
said that even
if you-
He told me Walt Disney was a Semite.
Anti-Semite.
No, I'm anti-Semite.
I'm just kidding.
He said that even if you get the vaccine, they're saying that you're going to
have to
wear a mask, because you could spread it to other people.
Oh, right.
Like you're just a vehicle for it.
What the fuck?
I know.
You're just a masked society from now on?
I can't live like that.
Is that how we're living?
Can't do it.
Can't do it.
I'm ready to get out of this.
I don't know how I haven't got-
I feel like Magic Johnson's wife.
I'm like, how am I dodging this?
It's crazy.
What are you doing?
I've been everywhere.
Taking a lot of vitamins?
Flights and shows.
No, I just-
Drink?
I never get sick.
I drink a lot.
I don't know.
You're healthy.
I think I got a decent immune.
I work out.
I eat oatmeal.
I exercise.
No, you got those things going for you.
You should probably take some vitamins, though.
I should, but I hear those are a myth.
By who?
Well, they say it's a placebo sometimes.
Who says that?
I've heard that.
Save people to tell you anti-Semitic shit about Walt Disney?
I'm just saying, I hear a lot of vitamins that just makes you think it's
healthy.
No.
It's actually nothing.
No, there's peer-reviewed studies on vitamins.
Okay, well, that's good to know.
Especially with the immune system.
It's very important.
Take vitamin D.
According to the AP article I'm reading right now, it says the reason why they're
saying you'll still need to wear a mask after you get the vaccine is because at
least these two vaccines, both Pfizer and Moderna's, are going to take at least
two doses, and it may take a couple weeks after the second dose for full
protection.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, it's only for a couple weeks.
But what they were saying was, Google this then.
Even though you get the vaccine, you can still spread the virus.
So the question was that even if people have the vaccine and have the immunity
to the virus, there may be a potential for them to carry it, even though their
own body doesn't express it.
You just checked your phone.
I'm pretty sure it's just getting a headline confusion because that doesn't say
after getting both shots of the vaccine.
You know, it's two doses.
Right.
And it's months apart.
Like maybe after one, you still have to wear a mask.
Yeah, exactly.
Could be.
Uh-huh.
Mark Norman's got to go to a show.
I just get worried.
What about Russia?
They can't drink it.
He saw that for a month.
Two months.
Two months.
Two months.
It's less than two months.
I think they said 40-something days.
How crazy is that?
They're just saying it doesn't work.
You know why?
Because they developed a vaccine that's not real because they were trying to
compete with America and get it out quick.
So what they did is they just filled up a fucking syringe with Kool-Aid.
And they go, what do you have to drink for two months?
It's the only way it works.
Right.
So they just started.
That was racist, too.
But you're allowed to be racist against Russians.
You are because their skin is white.
Yeah, British, too.
Yeah, there you go.
Italians, hey, yo.
Hey, fucking pizza.
Hey.
All right.
Mark Norman, you're the shit.
Appreciate you, brother.
Always good to have you in.
Such a fun chat.
Give out your Instagram and the Twitter handle.
Please don't yell at me.
I'm at MarkNormand on Instagram.
Always putting up funny clips.
MarkNorm on Twitter.
MarkNormandComedy.com.
And listen to Tuesdays with stories.
And praise Allah.
Woo!
I'll fuck you till you love me.
Shout out to Joe List.
Yes!
The queef himself.
I'll fuck you till you love me.
I'll fuck you till you love me.
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