Trump's Election Triggered Me - Annie Lederman

I always brought up Quaker too, so our church was you stand up and speak and everyone just sits there in silence and watches you. What's that like? Which one's Quaker? That's the oat box. Oat box. Everyone's like gets it confused with Amish, which has nothing to do with Amish. What's the difference? It's just a very chill Christianity, so it's pacifist. Were those the pilgrims? Were the pilgrims Quakers? No, I don't think they were. They were, when did Quakers and Star... They're pacifists. They're pacifists. They believe that God's in the form of an inner light that's in everyone and everything, so why would you fight? I mean, I agree with that just from hallucinogens and shit too, but it's something I struggle with. I have to look back at childhood predators and I'm like, can I forgive these people because they are from the same light, I guess. What's the wacky thing with Quakers? Quakers are, well, it's just very, it's just you sit in silence, so the churches, there's two types. There's programmed and unprogrammed. I was unprogrammed, which is the super chill one. There's no Bible talk, there's no preacher, there's nothing. You just sit in benches facing each other. My meeting house had these old creaky... Wait, hold up. Explain. What are you talking about? So it's a meeting house that you meet up with on Sundays. You stare at each other? Yeah, or you look down at your hands. You don't really look at each other, but you sit, there's facing benches and then there's benches here, so you are kind of all looking at it. You're facing each other. And what do you do? You sit in silence and then if you feel moved to speak, it's supposed to be God speaking through you, but if you just feel moved to speak at all, you just stand up and you say whatever you want. Wow. And so... You're not reading scripture? Mm-mm. I mean, some people, every once in a while someone would do that growing up, but I went to a Quaker school too, where little kids, we used to have to sit in silence for like 45 minutes, which was impossible. It's such about 80 days, it was insane. I would wear shirts that had like things on it I could play with. I had a shirt with a phone and it had like a cord and I would just wear it and I would set alarms and sit on my alarm so it wouldn't go off. I just had to be doing stuff. It was crazy. You're just so little and you're just sitting there silently. Well, people are so bored. Little kids get so bored, you know? And what's the first thing they do? They try to medicate them because they're so bored. Well, I got medicated too. We did Ritalin and stuff. Oh, no. But when I was older, I don't feel like it affected me. They put me on antidepressants a little bit, but I was pretty good at being like, I don't want to do these things. You don't feel like it affected you to be on Ritalin? But I didn't take it for that long. How long did you take it for? I don't know. I don't think I took it for that long. Do you know Ally? I don't know. You know Ally Krowsky? Duh. Duh. She was talking about it last night. I love her. Love her too. She was talking about how that same shit happened to her when she was a kid. Yeah. Bouncing off the walls and they medicate you. Yeah. It is interesting because it is... I can only imagine what it's like to be a parent. There's all this information coming at you and you're dealing with your own shit, and a lot of people didn't go through their healing process or anything too. It must be so hard to be a parent. It's just got to be crazy. I think about it. I never wanted to have a kid until I did some hallucinogens and then I was like, maybe I want to have a kid. You'd be a great mom. Yeah, I think I would. But I'm just dealing with all my. Heal. I'm dealing with all my, I just want to make sure I'm not in a place. I was very angry in the past and it's something that I work on a lot. I just wouldn't want to redo patterns and stuff like that. But I do think because I've had such traumatic stuff, I think I would be, I think I could protect my kids in a good way. So the Quakers are allowed to medicate their kids? That's part of the doctrine? Yeah, you can. It's okay. I mean, it's pretty loose. It's like, you can do whatever you want. There was one guy that wore his Jewish stuff to a meeting. I went to a meeting after the election. I went a little bit. I was like, maybe I want to go back to church. What? The Quaker church? Yeah. After 2016? Yeah, because I just was, it just triggered a lot of things in me and I went real crazy for a second. I just had a lot of trauma that I wasn't dealing with. When Trump won? It wasn't, this is embarrassing. Okay, I was hanging out with a lot of, anyway. What happened? I just got really like, I got really mad. I don't know, I got really mad. I just wasn't, I wasn't dealing with stuff and it just kind of pushed all this stuff forward for me. How so? What do you mean by? Just like, some sexual assault stuff just came up. Like, I think a lot of people that were angry and were marching around and stuff had some personal triggers that had happened for them. Oh, so because of like the grab them by the pussy top? Yeah, and then you read it, and then I read up on it and it's not what it seems. And I don't know. There was a lot of hysteria and it just triggered a lot of my shit, but I'm glad it did because it helped me get through a lot of stuff. And I definitely, I think have a different view on those things now. And I was running around so mad at who? I'm like, who am I mad at? I did a lot of like, when it first happened, I was like, fuck man, I did that for about three months. Thank God I got out of that. But really angry and just projecting and pissed and all this stuff. There's a few men I'm mad at, right? There's a few. I'm certainly not mad at men, but there are a few. From your past. Yeah, and that was something I had to deal with and I had to learn to compartmentalize that and not make it this broad thing. I hate when people do that, it's so upsetting. The drinking days? The drinking days and from my childhood, I had some fucked up shit happen, but it's just important for me to not blame a large group of people that have nothing to do with my trauma. And it's also, when I get triggered, what I needed to learn was that's my responsibility to handle my trigger and I can't just be running around like this unsheathed sword. I mean, I can, but I'm gonna cut everyone around me. Yeah, the thing that people do when they blame everyone that's part of that group, it's so common. And so, you remember there was a real problem a few months back where Liam Neeson was a real person was talking about one of his friends that had gotten something that happened where a black guy had done something, murdered one of his friends, or raped one of his friends, something awful. I think it was rape. And so, he would go out at night with a bat looking for a black guy to start trouble and he talked about it and everybody was furious at him. Yeah. And he was saying, look, I didn't do anything and I was in a terrible state of mind. I'm just being honest about this. I'm not proud of this. It was one of the most embarrassing and darkest moments of my life. But I did it. Right, and not letting people express those things and talk about it and say a way, because I am embarrassed that I got so man-hatty. I mean, there's a couple podcasts I did where I was like, fuck man. That hurts people. I hurt people by saying that. I mean, but whatever. No, but people have lashed out on me for stuff like that. But it's like, I don't fucking, I don't have the capacity to hate an entire group of people and I certainly like, I have brothers, I have my dad. Don't you think sometimes you say things and that's not really what you mean? Yeah, and then you- And it's expressing anger. Mm-hmm, of course. And then I think right now what's going on and I've checked out of a lot of stuff. I don't pay attention to a lot of things anymore because it was just like- The news, you mean? Yeah, it's just like not, it's not real. I don't read Twitter. I just don't do it. It's like, I gotta focus on what I can do and how I can feel good and how I can, I just wanna make people laugh, have a good time, make people feel good. I wanna feel good. I can't do that if I'm in this constant state of taking in all this information that's just pushing my buttons, pushing my buttons. Well, yeah, some of it's not gonna be but someone certainly is and if you're not controlling, like you have a mental diet too and that's something that people don't think of all the time. I don't remember who described it that way but it's the best way of describing it. You have a physical diet and if you have a poor physical diet, your body's sick. But if you have a poor mental diet, your mind is sick. You're taking in nonsense all the time and fights.