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Paul Virzi is a stand-up comedian, host of "The Virzi Effect" podcast, and co-host of the "Anything Better?" podcast with Bill Burr. His latest special, "Nocturnal Admissions" is now available on Netflix. www.paulvirzi.com
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Tell me the UFO story. All right. Well, first, I'm going to tell you about my dad real quick. My dad is Sicilian to the fuck. He born and raised Bronx, okay? Grew up in the 1960s in the Bronx. Always has to dress nice, you know? Very materialistic. A man needs a watch. A man needs shoes, okay? Me and my brother were in the car one time. My father would do this shit. We were young, he shouldn't have, but he would be like, he'd be like, look at that. You see that? That's a fucking disgrace. He'd be like, that's a man in a Honda. And he'd be like, there's kids in that fucking car. Like, it's like that. 1982 Jaguar XJ6, black, white leather, dressed to the nines. You know, everybody's crazy but him. Fuck them, they're crazy. Fucking crazy. So, tells me and my brother a story. To this day, the story's not changing. He told me he wished he never saw what he saw. 1973, my mother is pregnant with my older brother, Christian. He's five years older than me. Okay, so she's pregnant with him. They're outside in Yonkers. There's a little grass lot. And my aunt, grandmother, and mother are out there and they're screaming, Tommy, you got to come out here. You got to come out here. So, the way my father tells the story, he goes, I'm watching TV. What the fuck? You know, I don't want to be bothered. He goes, I go outside and he said, Paul, he said, sitting where I could throw a rock or shoot my gun at it. There is a fucking, and the way he said flying saucer, which is fucking hilarious, he goes, the fucking flying saucer. He said, it's got a blue tint around it. Little portholes, but you could barely see. Quiet. Quiet as can be. And he said, they were all, and he said the time was weird. The time of night was weird. It was like that weird time where the sun's going down. You don't know. He said the timing of it was weird. And he said his time perception during it was very, something was off with the time. And he said, he thought, he said, holy shit, I could fucking shoot my gun at this thing. But then he goes, he goes, then I freaked out because I don't know if this thing's reading my fucking mind. So I went inside because he thought that it might have been. So he went inside. He looked again. He went outside. They looked at it. They were stunned. And he said, like that, it turned into a dot in the sky. He said like that, it turned into a star like that. And he says to this day, exactly the same thing. He goes, Paul, I always used to think those people were fucking nuts. He goes, all those people, I thought they were fucking hillbillies. Somewhere in the Midwest, just trying to get attention. He goes, I know what the fuck I saw. And he goes, and I wish I didn't see it because I still dream about it. And I know what the fuck I saw. And I know it wasn't from here. That's 100 percent true. What year was this? 1973. 73. And then I googled 1973. Yonkers and many people saw something, but it was right above them. Look at this man says 1973 UFO incident turned life upside down. Wow. I'm not surprised. No. I mean, it probably looked just like that. That one right there. That's what. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When it's funny, because when he describes it, it looks like that. Like in my mind, that's what he said it looked like. And that's what I always thought about that right there. But he said that it was gone in like he said he couldn't believe he said my mother's very like religious. So the other day we had a party and somebody might have actually been honest. He goes, I got to find out. And she goes, I saw that. She goes, I saw that. We saw that. That thing just disappeared. And my father said if he had a picture in 1973 of where it was, nobody would ever have a picture like that. Because I've been a fucking millionaire. He said nobody. It was right there. He said he said you could have maybe not thrown something but shoot at it. Wow. Yeah, man. Well, that thing right there is a copy by this guy designs by Perry. The E and Perry is a three on Instagram. And he recreated that thing. That's a recreation of what Bob Lazar allegedly worked on in area S4. Yeah. That's exactly how he described it. He said this thing was running on something called element 115. Element 115 is apparently some element that was just theoretical until like the early 2000s. I think it was like 2013 or something like that. They recreated in a large Hadron Collider. But before in a particle collider. But before that, he was saying that these people had he was talking about this in 1989 that these people who were working on this thing trying to back engineer it, they described it as being some sort. There's some sort of an engine that works off of this element. And that what it does is it bends gravity. So instead of like a rocket where fire comes out the back and it pushes the rocket forward. This thing bends space and time. So it bends gravity and pushes it through. Yeah, that's why it's totally silent. The thing is, it sounds crazy, but all these things that these pilots have seen that they describe having no heat signature, no visible means of propulsion, they all move in that same way. Yeah. Exactly how your dad described. Yeah. And I didn't know that the bending gravity was why it was silent. But everybody that I know says they see one says silent. Yeah. There's never noise like any sort of engine, which is wild. It is pretty wild. You know, everybody's like, well, I ain't seeing shit. But if one person saw it, if they only came down for like a half hour or an hour, you know, a few people saw it, then it took off and never came back again. Those people would be confused like your dad probably for the rest of their lives. Just thinking about it. Yeah. And he's so detailed every single time. And he says, he goes, he goes, what I don't like about seeing it was I knew that I was seeing something that was just unexplained and not from here. And it's and I know it's out there. And he's just fucked up by it. You know, he's I would imagine. What do you think they're doing? Probably what's the making sure we don't blow ourselves up? Probably when every civilization I think there's probably a bunch of different kinds of life forms in space, right? Like millions of different kinds. But I think they must know that we operate off of biological needs. Like we have a biological need to procreate biological need to protect our village and to protect our stuff. And so we're warring still. Okay. Yet we're moving this technological age of sophistication where we have nuclear bombs and video that travels on your phone to the other side of the world in a half a second. All the wild shit that we can do now that makes it very complex for us to manage both our primate instincts and the responsibility of having incredible power. So they're probably like, just let's just fucking keep an eye on these assholes. Why would they care? Because they don't want us to blow ourselves up. Think about how many billions of years it took for us to become what we are. Right. You go from a single celled organism to what a human being is now. That is a long road for us to just knock the dominoes over because some guy has a hard on. Right. That's Putin, right? If Putin is like, fuck you, and he just fucking nukes Ukraine and then we nuke him and then China nukes us. That kind of shit is a real possibility. If I was an alien, I was like, look, they're so close to getting it right. They're so close to getting it together. Yeah. That could be. Yeah, dude. I don't know. I'd tell you what. If I saw it, it would fuck me up. What do you think it is? What do you think they're doing? If that's real, let's just assume that this isn't just a mass hallucination. What do you think it is? I think they're just curious, man. I think they're just watching. I would say I don't know that they care. I wouldn't think that they would care, but I think they're just watching us. What if this? I always thought about this. What if they created us? Where their ant farm? I thought of that too. One of them fucked something down and just started something. What if they took a chimpanzee or they took something that was here first, fucked it, and was like, let's look at this thing grow. Then they're just looking and they're showing up. That's one of the things Bob Lazar said. Yeah, he said that there was a bunch of briefings that they had and a bunch of documents. One of the documents, they talked about how human beings are some sort of a product of accelerated evolution.