Nikki Glaser's Weird Ambien Dating Experiences

Imagine having this conversation in 2009. No. I want to kill Bill Cosby. People are like, what the fuck is wrong with you? He's America's dad. There's someone right now that we could be having this conversation about that we... We don't know. That we don't know. I don't think anybody is like that guy. Not like that. Because I heard about that guy in 1994 when I was on news radio, when I was on a sitcom, they were talking about Bill Cosby, drug and people. And I forget who was having the conversation, but they were like, Bill Cosby, drugs people. And I was like, what? Like, yeah. Like, it was like inside Hollywood talk. Like on the set, they were saying that someone knew someone who Bill Cosby drugged. He drugs women and has sex with them. What the fuck? He wrote jokes about it. Yes. He talked about it on late night TV about slipping a Spanish fly into someone's drink. Yes. He wrote an episode of his show where he was like at a barbecue and like, there's something in the barbecue sauce. And the girls are kind of like... Yes. Yes. And I'm like, dude, you know what's been happening to me is that... So I have been talking with guys, texting with guys, FaceTiming, like all these long distance stuff because I'm scared of intimacy, whatever. And I've been having these like really intimate moments with men where it's like our relationship reaches that like, oh, this might be something. Let's maybe meet up and we make plans. And I find out the next day they were... And I think they're like maybe on my way to be my boyfriend and they were on Ambien and they don't remember any of it. Whoa. I've been Ambien a couple of times and I don't think... And by guys that I'm like, they don't have a drinking problem. I'm finally engaging in like a sober relationship or soberish and then they don't remember anything. And I'm like, we made plans to go to Mexico together. Like you... This is Priceline. I can't get a fucking refund. Kevin James made dinner when he was on Ambien. Dude. And then thought someone broke into his house. Like he went to the store and got like a turkey and cooked it, made mashed potatoes, stuffing, graving, did the whole thing, cooked. And then woke up in the morning and they were like, what did you do last night? You cooked? He's like, what the... I didn't fucking cook. Like he really thought someone broke into his house and cooked dinner. That stuff's horrible. Yeah. It's so bad. I've got guys waking up in relationships with me and they're like, they didn't know it. They're ready to go to Mexico. Like what? What's my passport doing out? Mexico. I don't like you like that. And then I'm like, well we... And I go to sleep with like butterflies in my stomach. Like, God, we finally connected tonight. Something happened. He finally saw what I saw the whole time. And the next day I'll make like, I'll kind of like be like, so last night, like one guy we had phone sex for the first time we were like... And it felt like real sex. You know, sometimes it can feel very connected. Phone sex or FaceTime, Skype sex, whatever it is. How far away did this guy live? Middle of the country. Oh, okay. Yeah. And I was in New York. I thought you were going to say Midtown. Midtown. I was like, why don't you just get in an Uber? I was like, this is crazy. I heard Mid. I was like, oh my God, please don't say Midtown. Yeah. And we finally like got naked together on the... And I was like, oh my God, like this is... And it was never really sexual before that. Like there was little flirty things. But I was like, when is this guy going to make a fucking move? And like, and he did, but he was on Ambien and blacked out. Didn't remember any of it. Oh, how many of you are? Not even a second. Look how angry she is. I was so pissed because the next day I went into work, I was skipping around. I was like, dude, I'm telling all my girlfriends, like, I met a guy. Like this guy is like the guy that I've been talking to them about. I have a radio show. So every morning I go in and like debrief my producers. And I'm like, last night we like hooked up and it's happening. And then I talked to him later on and he was just like, wait, what are you talking about? And I was like... And he goes, I didn't even know we talked last night. It just sucked. And then it happened to me recently again. There's a lot of people on that shit. A lot. I did it recently. My friend gave it to me because I, I guess I shouldn't say that, but I took some and... I guess I couldn't say that. You shouldn't say that. Just don't say the friend's name. Yeah. Okay. You're all right. Okay. Some fucking asshole gave you an ambulance. Some... I was working with Bill Cosby. I didn't even mean to. He was my friend. Because I was just having a really rough time. I did the roast of Alec Baldwin and I was not getting enough sleep, which I know you guys were talking about the other night. Sleep is fucking everything. Yeah. And I had a meltdown and I had a Netflix taping to do the next night. My friend was like, take this Ambien, you're not going to sleep otherwise. And I took it and I took Instagram off my phone. I took Twitter off my phone. I cleared my room of food because you don't know what's going to happen. I got the best night's sleep in my life though. You took all those things off your phone. Oh yeah. I was like, I don't know if I'm going to get racist. When I do Ambien, what if that is what causes it? I don't know what can happen. That is hilarious. So you planned that far ahead. You took Instagram off your phone. So my Ambien state would have had to go into the app store, re-download it, type in my, you know, like a lot of things. Yeah. All right. That's a very clever thing. That's very smart of you. I don't want to get canceled yet. I mean, someday I will want to get canceled. Do you think so? Yeah, because that's such a... Like you're rise again? Like Phoenix? No, not even rise again to be like, good, I'm out. I'm going to go start my bird rescue or whatever the hell, you know? Yeah. I'll be okay.