Michael Malice: A Lot of People Are Basic As Hell

Do you run virus cans and all kinds of shit? And do you cover your webcam with tape when you're beaten off? Uh... I should start doing that. I do run virus cans. I do not cover my webcam with tape when I'm being there. Some fucking four-can trolls in there. Let them watch. Maybe they get an alert whenever you porn gets pulled up in your brows like... And they run. They're in their parents' house. Your mom and dad are screaming at each other. They're drunk and slurs. And they hear, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, excuse me. Michael Mals is jerking off. I'm trying to go. And they run down the basement and bolt the door shut. They're going to see quite a show. Imagine. Imagine if they found a guy dead because he was so excited to beat off, watching you beat off, that he tripped, fallen down the stairs and broke his neck. Pants half down. And the cops break in to find out what the fuck's going on. And it's you jerking off on a webcam. And this guy's dead with his neck snapped at the bottom of the stairs, his pants half down. Well, given how many people jerk off to watching me jerk off, statistically that's going to happen at some point. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Would you be excited? Yes. Would you? Yeah. That's awesome. I'd be like, that guy went out with a bang. Yeah. Like, my cum killed him. For sure, there's people right now looking through perverts, looking through somehow or another, getting through a webcam and watching someone. Oh, of course. For sure. Of course. And especially people who work for the government. They talked about it. I thought this was exposed. Fascinating, though, that they can do that. There's like, there's a little window into Michael's life. There he is. Listen, if you have a window into my life, it's the opposite of fascinating, I assure you. It is really, I'm about five minutes away from being Terry Shivo. What is this? Employees at Amazon's ring have been spying on customers. Oh, those videos are on Christmas where they're like, people were just getting on their cameras, talking to the kids like, hey, I'm Santa, go tell your parents that this, like, there's lots of them. This is, there's so much fucked up shit. I've heard that. I've heard that. That they were actually talking to people through the device. And that one guy was terrorizing some woman. He was like, like telling her he was going to kill her through the device. Oh my God. That's a crime. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Captain Obvious. Jesus Christ. Oh, I got her upgrade. I'm a captain now. I used to be private obvious. I messed with my friend really bad. There's something called like the annoying thing. I forgot what it's called. And you said it and it goes, hey, hey, can you hear me? And it goes off at random times. So I put it under her bed and I forgot. And then the next morning I get a text that just goes idiot. I'm like, oh yeah. She's like, well, now you know I'm an idiot because you terrified me. Do you worry about apps like Android apps being corrupted? Like they apparently don't have a stringent testing. I don't have that many apps and I'm much more of a desktop person. I'm not on my phone that much because I'm like a recluse. Are you still a recluse? Why don't you get out? Do what? Outside is scary. You can't meet people. I don't ever meet anyone and I don't know where to go to meet people. Oh, dude, this sounds like a Christmas movie. Hanukkah movie. Find out if it's going to be eight days or seven days we fail. Yeah. And then the eighth day. Yeah. Let's get Adam Sandler on board. Yeah, Adam. Adam. You really don't you don't go out? I don't know. No. And it's kind of a for I also don't get along with most people. I'm not. I don't believe that because you're easy to get along with. That's confusing to me. But they're not easy to get along with. I think a lot of people are basic as hell and they don't bring anything to the conversation. There's a lot of that. Yeah. Yeah. You got to find better people to hang out with. You know how you do that. You go outside. I have a good crew. So so listen, I'll tell you this. My friend, Matt, the one who was molested, we had friends giving. And I said, Matt, you have a unique opportunity to make this the most awkward Thanksgiving in history. These people like you there. They're your friends. Sit down and tell them that this happened. And he's like, I can't do it. I go, OK, how about this? I'll do it. If I do it against your will, I wouldn't really be wrong. Given the story, he's like, dude, I didn't do it. But it would have been funny. He's got a dark sense of humor about this. A small amount of time would have been funny. And then he would have just deal with the weight of all these people. Which is also funny. Maybe you should stay as a recluse. I take that back. I think you're doing good. I do. OK. You might be one of the only dudes who's mastered it. Yeah, me and the Univommer. It's your calling.