Joey Diaz Hates Ranch Dressing (taken from Joe Rogan Experience #219)

Pinger, listen, I just love the rant, and if you want to listen to it, Pinger lets Sunday School. He's fucking amazing. I want to meet him so bad. We didn't figure this out ten years ago. I know, but come on man, that's a great rant, Joe D. I'm wasting your time. I came here to talk to you, Doug. That's the city's fucking back. You know me, Doug. Well, we're talking to you. I'm talking to you right now. It's talking to me about, it's a business. What the fuck do you want? Nobody knows, business or business. That's what it is. It's a fucking business, guys. It's important when a guy like Pinger. That's great, man. It's important. You do, you break the fucking law, you go to jail. You sell weed against the law and ten bales, you get caught. You go to jail. I went to jail. I'm responsible. I learned how to fuck it. That's it. What are you going to do? There's a law. You cannot fucking do it. You're going to go to jail. Jail and prison are a fucking business. They're a business. That's why, get a ticket driving with the phone. How much they tell you it is? How much they tell you it is? I don't know. You don't have to pay the house until you go down to LA County and it's $225 because you got to pay the court cost, the prison fee, the judge's vacation. It's a fucking business, guys. They're going to raise the taxes now for fucking parking tickets. It's a business. What the fuck do you want me to do? This is the oldest conversation in the book. They should have legalized this after they shot Kennedy. They didn't. We're fucking fortunate that we live in California and we don't have to abide by this. When was the last time you were at a store and they kicked the door down Joe Rogan? How about you, my friend? So all this shit you guys talk about them kicking the doors to feds, I've never seen it. I go get weed every day. Stop scaring these fucking white kids and getting them talking. This is nonsense. This is nonsense talk. The things you're doing with jail, I never drink. So what? So who gives a fuck? It applies for everything, dog. There's a lot of people who are in jail that get out every day on a DNA or whatever. You break the law, you sell five pounds a week, you got to go to jail. It's a business. You didn't do nothing wrong, but it's a business. They have guidelines. If you get caught with 30, 28 grams of blow, you have to do a certain amount of fucking time. You get caught with a quarter ounce of weed, you have to do a certain amount of time. You got caught with it. Why are you crying to me for? You got caught with it. I was a criminal for 30 years. You ever see me get caught with blow? With weed or blow? No. You follow me? There's a way to do it and there's a way not to. How the fuck are you going to get caught with fucking weed and not think you're going to go to jail if you live in fucking Ohio or in fucking Kentucky or whatever? You're going to go to jail. I kind of see your point, but I also see his because it's an important way. Mine is brilliant. It's important. It's not. I got together with Fallon and the President's hip or what. I don't give a fuck though. You don't give a fuck at all? I'm smoking. Look, look, here. Here's what I think about your whole drug thing. Look, like the same thing I've rubbed my balls with for the last 32 years with the Sativas and the bullshit. Just get high, dog. You be glad. Too much drama for the gift that God gave us of getting high. You got too much drama. I got to put a thing at the end of the joint to be cool. Meanwhile, you're smoking on the fucking electronic cigarette. You're smoking an electronic cigarette. But I'm smoking. Think about that. I'm smoking. That's all that matters. At the end of the week, that's all that matters. Fucking people want to be intelligent all the time. I can't wait to see you on stage tonight. Fucking stupid. You're in rare form today. Oh, well, you're one out of six people. And give us three out of four people in there for rape and murder. What are you telling me for? Look, Joey Meatballs, calm down. Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? To show people that you give a fuck. Who gives a fuck? I don't give a fuck. I give a fuck. I don't want people locked up in jail for weed. You know my favorite thing, Joe? If they came in here jack-boot-thug style and fucking haul you away for your little fancy pencil. I'm a little comedian for 20 years. I drink from time to time. Do I ever get behind in a car when I'm drunk? You got a DUI? That's a choice you make. These are all the choices you make, bro. So what are we getting at? I know it's illegal. I know it should be illegal. I know that John Lennon's going to make a comeback. But for today, 2000 for today. But for today, if you get caught smoking in fucking New York, you're going to jail. I don't care what you said, bro. I love hearing you talk. I know. Fuck, I'm going to pull up with this nonsense. I love pendulum. I was going off yesterday. I was saying how Joey Diaz would get mad about ketchup. He's coming with his fucking Heinz ketchup. We're ranch. I'm talking about ranch. Oh, I fucking hate ranch. I don't know how the fuck people can eat that shit. I don't know how people can eat ranch. When I go to a place and I say, oh, you have wings, and they say it comes with ranch, I get up and leave, even if I don't get the wings. Because if you're going to serve wings with ranch, I don't want to do business with you. I don't want to do business with you. I'm very easy. I'm very fucking easy. So if you fuck up pork fried rice, what do we have to talk about? Wings must be done with blue cheese? Blue cheese. Yeah, like the way they invented in Buffalo, New York. If you're going to do something with you, do it original. You're going to show up with that ranch that smells like somebody's ass. They're saying ranch is starting to replace ketchup. Yeah, that's good. If you're a fucking hillbilly and you want to taste the ass in your mouth, don't fucking do it. I hate that fucking ranch shit. Don't put it close to me. Don't put it around me. And see the blue cheese with wings and go fuck your mother. That's the next shirt. All right, please. Fuck it. You're going to give me a fucking ranch with fucking wings. I can say, blue cheese with wings and you can fuck your mother. Go fuck your mother and end this shit. Fucking going to give me a ranch with my wings. That's the next shirt. That's the next shirt. I can't see the blue cheese with wings. That's how you motherfuckers. I'm stoned. Fuck it. You talk up now. You see the blue cheese with wings and you can fuck your mother. Fucking going to give me a ranch and shit. I mean, like people around me order a ranch. Like don't order that shit around me. Do me that favor. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. Fuck your mother. You mother. Fuck your mother like you.