Joey Diaz: Everyone Said They Wanted a Zombie Apocalypse…

I thought about you two weeks ago when I went to CVS and I saw a white guy and a hot African-American chick having an argument outside of CVS at 9.20 in the morning. He was a little chubby and they were having some type of loud discussion. I went and I got my medication when I walked out. He's yelling at her, I want my wallet back, you fucking bitch. Why did you think of me? Because... Because you always tell me about all those dirty bitches up in the bad eyes and shit. So this is how bad it is where I live now. So this is my CVS. This is the main one I've been going to for 10 years. And all of a sudden when I walk out, I walk towards my car but I hear him go, I want my fucking wallet back, you fucking bitch. And she's like, I didn't take your wallet. And what are you going to do? Call the police and tell them what? I sucked your dick. Is that not a wedding ring around your hand? Ahhh! And he goes, bitch, I don't give a fuck if it's a wedding ring. Give me my fucking wallet. And he hauls off and smacks her. Decks are like fucking name or knock out in the UFC. This is way better than anything you've ever seen. The fucking pimp was down the block. He took off on his fucking car. The wallet fell out of her bra. People ran to him. Me, I didn't have a piece so I got in my car and took off because of the loud shooting. In North Hollywood lately. Two days fucking later, I'm at the office. I go, let me go check on the office. Get some shit out of there. I go down the block. I go down fucking whatever and I hook on Lancashim. I'm stuck by the train station. I'm the third car in the inside lane. So I'm going south down Lancashim. Okay, I'm about to hit Magnolia, the federal, all that stuff. But I'm sitting right there crossing the train station. And all of a sudden, out of the left of my eye, I see this commotion. And I see this woman looking up and all of a sudden I see an axe handle or something hit her. And she goes down into the street and it's a white guy with a vest on just hitting people with axe handles. And they're going down one by one. Jesus Christ. And all of a sudden, I see a chubby guy running across the street. And fucking he starts chasing the chubby guy. Traffic is beeping. Beep, beep, beep. It's 3.30 in the afternoon. And all of a sudden, I go, this is my chance to be a fucking hero. I hook a U-turn and I'm going to shoot down this street and catch him at the end and hit him with my car. It's been years since I hit a motherfucker with my car. When I get to the corner, I hit the fucking left. The guy sees me. He dropped the axe handle already. He sees me and he runs left instead of right. If he would have ran right, I would have just hit him with the car and kept going and would have been an accident. I didn't see him. He committed a crime. He dropped the axe handle and the guy was on the floor and his head was bleeding. And then the guy ran back from the train station to get some more. What is happening? That's why I'm leaving, dog. Fucking Lancashion, man. Lancashion is fucking nuts. My girl calls me. My dog. She's married. She's my buddy. She's like, I had a rough day on the set. Can I talk to you? I go, I'll meet you behind the wire like I usually meet you. Let's smoke a number. We socially distance. She sits in her car and I sit in my car and she tells me about a day on the set. And it's ten after nine because I got to catch it before Mercy goes to sleep. So I meet her like a quarter to nine. We're talking and all of a sudden you hear, bah, bah, bah. And then you hear, bah, bah, right behind that. And we're like, did you fucking hear that? That was right on the fucking corner. I go home. My wife goes, thank God you're home. She goes, it's all over the place. There was a shooting at Magnolia Lancashion. She goes to drive by and then the guy they shot, that shot twice, because that chicken place is there. There's a chicken place. Hot chicken. Hot chicken. Dave's Hot Chicken. Yeah, dog. It's not brand-new by me, dog. It's not brand-new by a lot of people. So the axe handle just came out of nowhere and hit this lady in the head? I was sitting there minding my own business. A guy came out and hit people with an axe handle. So it stopped bueno. You're seeing more. I see. I went to, I go to Birdbank a lot and I go down Magnolia. They've been saying that about New York too. People get sucker punched. New York and Chicago are both really bad right now. Valley Village Park. A guy was walking his dog at two in the morning. Four identified men jumped out of a car and threw a beat on him. You know, we're just, we're, we're, we're, I don't want what's in Seattle and Portland to come down here and catch. My wife had to go downtown the other day to send money. And she goes downtown. It's just horrible. It was already horrible to begin with, but it's, it's nightmare now. You have stayed up here and up there. Your final conclusion is to get in the car one day next week, I've told you, and just go say your goodbyes to come. You have to obey yourself. You don't have to bring nobody. Put your hand on the wall. Make a left on the CNN and then pick a street and make a left till you can make another left to get on the one on one and make a mental projection of when this will come back. But you know what? Everybody wanted the zombie apocalypse. You got it, bitch. You know what I'm saying? You want everybody to handle the zombie. It's pretty close.