Joe Rogan - Joey Diaz on Intuition

I could do a lot in 1975 with a thousand dollars with two kids. My grandmother was obsessed with the numbers. She was obsessed. And she would always have like a number in her head that she thought it was going to be. And it was like one off or something like that. It was like these stories she would tell you. What would you say to her? What can I say? I was like five. I just remember it very distinctly. My grandmother went to jail for running numbers. In New Jersey. She wouldn't rat them out. So they put her in jail. So she made sweaters. Gave sweaters to the guards. Mrs. D. She's the nicest lady. How did you feel that your grandmother had done time? What did you think? We didn't find out until I was probably like, I wonder when I found out. I think maybe I found out my teenage years. And I was like, what? What the fuck? Like people would go to see her. Like where is, I don't want to say my grandma's name out of respect. But people would say, you know, where is she? And she went to visit her cousin. She went to see her aunt. And she was, you know, she was in the pokey for like six months. I forget how much time it was. But every time we go over there, there's like some new excuse. See, in New Jersey, they put you in New Jersey. They put you in jail for gambling. In New York City, they don't. They give you a ticket. You know, they would give you like a ticket and shit in those days. I don't know what it's like now. This fucking, they'll throw you in jail for weed now in New York City. I don't fucking know. My grandmother was one of the few people I've ever known where I legitimately thought they had intuition. She has weird intuition. She would do things. It was real weird. Like when my mother was a kid, there was a rainstorm. It was like real bad rainstorm. And for whatever reason, my grandmother decided to wake my mother up, take her out of her bed and bring her downstairs. There was some crazy hunch that she had. The ceilings collapsed, like right above the bed where my mom was sleeping. So like pieces of, you know, it wasn't a lot. It was just chunks of plaster. But like, you know, three or four pretty significant pieces of plaster fell off of the ceiling. It was rain came through the whole deal. Like the ceiling gave out. Somehow or another, she had this idea in her head. And it could be because she knew that the ceiling was fucked up and she knew it was raining hard. It was probably going to give in anyway. Or she might have had intuition. Everyone was always convinced it was intuition. Everyone's always convinced like she's just a little bit psychic. It was always weird. It was always weird around there. She had a monkey. Did I tell you about her monkey? No. She had a monkey in New Jersey. Yes, in North New Jersey. She had a monkey named Chi Chi. And Chi Chi would bite everybody but my grandma. My grandfather made her keep the monkey in the attic. Yo, my grandma was crazy. She had a monkey who would open up packages of gum and chew gum. Do you know how or where the fuck she got it from? She bought it. She bought a monkey. Yo, I'm telling you, my grandma was crazy. Listen, Italian people had butchers in those days and they get you anything. She came. Alligator, pigeon. She kept a monkey in the house, man. Do you understand how crazy it is? Do you remember the monkey? Yes, Chi Chi. The monkey's name is Chi Chi. Did he bite you? No, he never bit me but he bit my sister. He bit my sister. Yeah, Chi Chi would fuck you up. I think he bit my sister. I think he tried to bite my sister. I think it was one of those things. He might have bit my cousin. Someone in our family got bit. What was she talking about? I never touched him. Was that the Irish side or Italian side? No, Italian side. Yeah, they're not. She was crazy. And once you give no disrespect, but once you give those lunatics that option, that they do have intuition, you're done. You're fucking done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're fucking done. They start giving you the fish eyes. Dude, don't do shit. You got to listen to them. Her cooking was from another planet. It's from another planet. It was like pure immigrant cooking. Like the pasta, the lasagna. You just sit there and go, holy shit. Just perfect. Just knew exactly what's supposed to be in there. She'd make her own macaroni. She'd make her own ravioli. She would stuff her own ravioli. She'd be out there rolling and flattening out flour and shit, throwing the flour on top of it, flattening out. She was a wizard. You should get a monkey called a cheat. She's just got to respect a little monkey and keep her here, dog, out of respect for grandma. My grandma was a special lady. She was powerful. Yeah, once you give those... Listen, when I was a kid, man, I went to my buddy's judo school. I didn't join. I just went down there to see what it was like. And it was hidden in Union City. It was on 7th Street. But I knew that my stepdad played cards on 9th Street on Wednesdays. Wow. Okay. I knew my stepdad played cards down there. They played bakarot, okay? And they'd gamble on this little club. And I had to be maybe 10. But because I grew up how I grew up with the numbers, I always had my eyes out as a kid. When I went to judo that night at the end, I got in the bus to go back, and I noticed unmarked police cars. And I went home that night. And look, bro, you know me, dog. Get Kristy Love used to be a show on ABC about a black chick that knew martial arts that tried to capitalize on her with her sister. And she was good looking with an afro, and she was a cop. And she'd come in and do karate moves. So on Wednesday nights at 9 or 10 o'clock, you caught me at home watching Get Kristy Love. Now, I'll never forget that my stepdad was leaving that night. And for some reason, I go, you gonna play bakarot tonight? And he looked at me, he was getting dressed, a suit on. He had like the Billy Bats suit on and shit. Like, you're gonna play cards with five men. Why are you getting dressed to the nines? Right. And I said to him, I said, hey, man, today I went down there to go to Martin's Judo School, and I saw a bunch of unmarked cars down there. If I was you, I wouldn't go after that. And he fucking just looked at me. He said, I love you. And he walked down the stairs. He got in the car, started to open the garage, bro. And 10 minutes later, I heard the car turn off. And the garage closed, and he came up. And he goes, I think you're right. And he made Sundays for me and him. And next morning, that card place had got raided. So now, they would listen to me when I was like, I had these fucking morons under my spell. But you want me to tell you what else I did, Joe Rogan? Like, this is me. Like, me and my stepdad had this weird relation. I got to an age where I wanted my mother for myself. You know what the feeling is, Joe Rogan. We've all gone through it when you lose a dad and your mom remarries. There comes a day that he's not going to tell you what's going on anymore. And you know what? I just want you to know that I'm the motherfucker that runs this joint. You might be sleeping with my mom, but I run this motherfucker. So once I gave him that advice, like, it really, for a while there, him and I would go on a float. I kept stealing his coins from the Santas. He had this San Lazaro thing, and that was everything to him. So he had this big bottle of, like, Scotch that was empty, and he would put silver dollars in there, and I would steal them. And from time to time, he would come home and go, that bottle's looking light. Somebody's stealing my... I destroyed his mind for years, because he was a very particular man. So he had different bundles of mine. I got to tell you something. I respect him today because I saw him get out of the joint, and I saw what he did with bookmaking and how he became partners on a butcher shop. Oh, you started businesses? He started different businesses. So after I saved that night with the Baka Rocky, he would listen to me. And then one day I went, and I'd signed up for Biddy Basketball in Union City, and they used to give... You know, like, now if you sign your kid up, you got to pay $80. Right. In those days, you just show up with an address. Right. And they gave you a T-shirt, they put you on the team, and they gave me a number. They said, like, Union City Department of Recreation, there was a purple shirt. My number was 57. I walked in the house, and he goes, what do you got there? And I go, oh, I joined the basketball thing. And he goes, what number is it? And he goes, 57. Cubans, again, are very superstitious. 57. He goes, put a number on that. And he picked up the phone. I go, five. He called some guy, and he goes, give me 557 for $10. Guess what happened, Joe Rugg? What happened? The number came up. Now I really had him under my spell. Get the fuck out of here. Listen, I had this mother fucker at the age of 12. So he would listen to me. And shit. How old was the guy? My stepfather, Juan, at the time was 47. Did not drink. Can you imagine? Did not drink. Did not do drugs. Carried a straight razor, Joe Rogan. A straight razor to cut people with? Yeah. In a sight. He used to wear carpenter pants with the straight razor. At this point, the guy had money. He would have a gold chain. He'd wear a Chinese t-shirt, which a lot of people do not know what it is. That's what real pimps wear. They're silk, handmade shirts from China that you wear. And they have three little buttons. But when you're a real motherfucking spic, you cut those buttons, and you get your initials, and you put them in gold with diamonds in it. That's how spics ran in those days. Whoa. And once I had him there, Joe Rogan, I had him. He trusted me. He trusted my eyes. So one night we're in Union City, and I fucking went somewhere, and on the walk back, there's a place called Pastoral Music, and it was next to the New Moon Chinese Restaurant, and I saw a bunch of unmarked cars. And I'll never forget that I went back to the bar, and he go, and I told him, I said, Doug, I saw three unmarked, like I had him. Right. And I go, I seen three unmarked cars up the corner. He was very always scared of the phone. Even though he was a bookmaker, he never used the phone, Joe Rogan. Never used the phone, and he would never have a conversation close to a phone. Wow. This is because he always felt he didn't now like phones. He did everything like a pigeon. He would write the numbers on a little piece of paper, real small, and fold them up and put them in his hat. And if he ever saw cops, he would just eat the piece of fucking paper. He didn't give a fuck. He always had the piece of paper somewhere close. Sometimes you would put it in his ring. This motherfucker was a savage, though. Oh, my God. So that night the cops were going to jump on us, on the bar, but it was for a drug thing. It wasn't for him. But when I went back, I told him, listen, the cops were up the corner, and me and him, he grabbed me by the hand, and him and I walked from 29th and Bergen Line to 58th and Bergen Line down to Hudson, telling different bar owners that there was going to be a raid. Like, that's how untrustworthy he was of phones. And by the time we got back to the bar, we got raided. And there was a dude, and his name was Monina. Right? Monina is those crazy Cubans that are abacoi. Monina means good man. Like, you're my bro? Abacoi? Yeah, they're abacoi. What does that mean? They don't need pussy. Oh. They don't need pussy, and they fucking... You can't fuck around with animals because of St. Lazar and all that shit. Oh, they have a very specific religion? Yeah, they have. It's a manhood. They were longshoremen in Cuba. Wow. And they maintain order. So, you fuck up, they come over and fuck you up. But he had a wig. I'll never forget this. The guy, Monina, had a wig, and the cops were there. And they threw him on... And I'm like 12, dawg. I'm up against the wall, they're searching me through, they're searching my stepdad. They got my mom, and they went to Monina, and they searched him, and the cop looked at his wig, and he goes, check the wig. And they pulled the wig off. And they had a little aluminum foil, and he's got to stay to his head. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that's hilarious. That whole bookmaking numbers world is fucking nuts that I grew up in. I love it still.