Joe Rogan - Damian Monroe & Death at the Shopping Malls with Chris D'Elia

Hello freak bitches. But Van Halen seems like a thing. Yeah, it is. Yeah, I didn't know. I guess I didn't even think of it. Didn't even put it together that it was his last name, even though I knew that. It's like a vehicle. Like a Van Halen. It's a strong... Yeah. Yeah. ...name. It's a... It's like a Hindenburg. Yeah, it is. Yeah. Yeah. Rogan, that's good. Delia's not a good one. They got the apostrophe, he fucks it all up. Yeah, the apostrophes are weird. Yeah. Why are we still using the note? Do we forget how to talk? Yeah, it's very weird. I don't... I don't... I don't... I used to... I used to... I used to... Yeah, you don't have to tell me how to fucking pronounce it. Just drop it. By the way, it makes it worse, because people are like, Delia, people... People add fucking Ls and shit. Oh, when you go to like a restaurant? You know what the worst is? Is when I pull into a gate, you have a meeting anywhere, and you gotta give everybody this thing. And then they say, you're not in the system. And I'm like, try it with or without the apostrophe, whichever one you didn't do. And then they're like, there it is. Every fucking time. It's every time. Every fucking time. You should change your last name spelling to, Duh, D-U-H-A-H-L-E-E-A-H. I don't know if that would be good for branding. Duh-Le-uh. My uh... Duh-Le-uh. When I was little... When I was little, I told my dad, uh, I was like, can we get rid of the apostrophe? I was young. I was like 12. And he was like, huh? And I was like, it's just, it sucks. Like, I feel like, like, what is it? Like, people always mispronounce it. And he's like, you should be proud of that. And I was like, I'm not. And then, and then, and then... I remember thinking, I'm not. It's just a apostrophe. How old are you? Thirteen. That's rough. Yeah. And then, and then, and then I started to like it, you know, because I'm like, yeah, I guess it is my name. Fuck it, you know? But when I was little, I wanted to change. I remember, I remember asking my parents if I could... I mean, this is embarrassing, actually. I remember telling my parents that I wanted to change my name to... To Damien Monroe. No! Yes. That's your whole name? You want to change your full name? Yeah, from Kristalia to Damien Monroe. Imagine, imagine if my name was Damien Monroe. You would have hated me immediately. No, I wouldn't. I know, because you opened my mind. Yeah, but... I love Theo Von. That's the most pretentious name ever. My name is Theodore, Theodore Von. But think about, but think about, this is why, you didn't even know why, why I wanted to name it Damien Monroe. Why did you want to name it Damien Monroe? Because this is so embarrassing. Whatever, but... Okay. Because Damien was, is the devil, right? Okay. And then Marilyn Monroe was like pure in my head. So I was like, you have both. So this was like a showbiz name idea? I don't know. I didn't get very far with it, obviously. You did this time? Yeah, same age, like young, what am I supposed to be? Thirteen. I was like, well, I could call my, I just named myself Damien Monroe. Oh my God. Imagine now, I would hate that. It's hilarious. I mean, we all do stupid things as a kid, and I didn't get to do that. Obviously, my parents wouldn't have let me do that, thank God. I was a fucking weirdo though, man. I would ask my parents, I would ask my parents, because I always sat like this at the dinner table, and I asked them, I was like, can you call me Crazy Legs? And I remember thinking, like, that would be cool, like if my family called me Crazy Legs. Hey, it's Damien, Crazy Legs Monroe, come at you. And then they were like, and my dad was like, no. And I was like, but just like maybe just at least at the dinner table, I remember saying that. And you would be like, I'm not fucking calling you Crazy Legs, you need you Chris. Oh my God. Yeah, so funny kid shit. That was even younger. The Crazy Legs thing was like, it was probably like nine. God, kids ideas are so stupid. They're so dumb. They're so fucking funny. I remember these women laughing in my face once at me trying to be cool, and I was like 12. I had these fucking sneakers on. I don't know, like they were like these brown suede sneakers. And I went through a period of time, this is very embarrassing. I went through a period of time when I was like 12, 12, 13-ish, where I got really into Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. Oh boy. I even tried chewing tobacco. Wow. At that age, huh? Oh, Jesus Christ. They would sell you chewing tobacco when you were a little kid. You could be 12 and just buy chewing tobacco. For whatever reason, like that wasn't like cigarettes. Right, right, right, right. You could just buy chewing tobacco. Like I bought it. I didn't have to hide it. That's so weird. Oh, it's fucking crazy. I didn't know how they let you. It would come in this like wallet-looking brick, and you open it up and you break a piece off, like real old-school-y fucking Clint Eastwood-style chewing tobacco. I was retarded, okay? So I had these shoes on that were like a brown suede. They were really goofy looking. And these next-door neighbors, we rented a house. It was me, my sister, my parents, and then one of our friends, a friend of my dad's, rented one of the rooms in the house. It had those upstairs. And the next door, it's like a very small house. The next door was another small house. And these young kids lived there. Like the downstairs people, they had a band, and they were fucking horrible. But they were like super committed, so they'd practice all the time. And they had carpet everywhere, man. Like you'd go down in the basement, and what they had done is taken like 30 or 40 sheets of carpet and like made doors and packed the walls. And they essentially turned the basement into like a practice thing. But you could hear them super clear. And okay, I remember, the band's name was Death in the Shopping Mall. Oh my God. And the song called My Baby is a Mutant. You remember this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got a crazy memory, man. And so these guys would be like, My baby is a mutant. Yeah, yeah. My baby is a mutant. Yeah, yeah. My baby is a mutant. But that's okay. I love my baby anyway. My baby is a mutant. Jesus Christ. I can't even remember this shit. They're fucking practicing, blowing their earjumps up. They were cool as fuck though. They let me go over there and watch when I was 12. They let me go and hang out with these guys. One of them scooped ice cream. He had a giant forearm. And everybody was like, look at his forearms, man. He scoops ice cream. I had to do his scoops ice cream all day. So he had these jacked forearms. And all the young kids, like 12, would be scared of this 19-year-old dude with his giant forearms because he'd scooped ice cream all the time. But they were all super friendly. But there's these two freaky-looking girls that would hang out with them. And when you're 12, you're like, Oh, I can't believe I'm around a girl. So I have these stupid sneakers on. I say to the girl, she goes, Nice sneakers? She's kind of mocking me. I go, Yeah. I don't like colors in my sneakers. It turns me off. And they burst in the last page. Not laughing like the existence of the funny. But like, look at this fucking dork. And I'll never forget the feeling when I said it. Like, Yeah, I don't like colors in my sneakers. It turns me off. Like the feeling of like, Oh, you fucking moron. So you thought you were being cool. And quickly while you were saying this, you're like, Oh, this is not cool. That's hilarious. Dude, I was 12. You realized as you're saying it, like how stupid I am. You really get checked by the opposite sex when you're that age. I mean, there was one time I keep like, I remember I see. Yeah. I mean, I was probably still around. I don't know. But obviously I don't drink it. But there was great. That's them. Oh my God. Wow. Whoa. They have a YouTube video. This is my. This is a song called purpose. Wow. Definitely shopping malls has a fucking. This was a five four years ago. They posted it. These guys are 80. Oh, no. That it says that this was in 1981. Oh, they recorded it in 81. Wow. So that was right around the same time because 81 was where I went to high school in 81. So that would make sense. That was like, so I was, I guess I was 13. It's going to be a little later in the career. But dude, that's two years later. We're talking about like 79 in 1979. I'm pretty sure that was the age. I was pretty crazy because I was 13. Yeah. Because it was right when I first moved to Boston. We were living in Jamaica Plain. We were living on God damn. I don't remember the name of the street. I remember the name of the street. It would help. But anyway, I'll that haunted me. Those girls laughing in my face. Funny haunted me for years. I still think about it every day. Interesting. I think about I think about shit like that. That's I think about shit like that. That like you carry with you like, you know, it's just sometimes the stars. Just yeah. But sometimes it's just like like that's I mean nothing. But what happened was you were too young to have dealt with a situation like that yet. Yes. So that was why you remember it because you're still oh this is a new oh God. You know what I mean? Also I was aware. Right. Personally aware of how ridiculous. Right. Stupid I sounded. Right. Which I got. Yeah. But as a kid you don't have that. Right. You know so the first few times you. Yeah. That's the same age as you changing your name. Damien Monroe. Oh God. So we're both forgiven. I remember what I had. I feel like it was. Hang on to that. I had for a few. I know. I had a high C. I was at kindergarten or yeah kindergarten I think. And it was before first grade whether that is kindergarten I guess. And the high C straw it was grape high C I remember. And I squeezed it wrong and it shot up on my face. And I was with a table where there were girls there and it was lunchtime. And I remember thinking oh it's probably purple on my face around my eye like kiss or something cool. Yeah and wait. And so I was like kiss is cool. Like I'm going to just chill with it and just because it happened by accident. So it's not like I tried to do it. So these chicks are just going to see me with this cool purple thing on my face. I mean. Oh God. I mean. Same age. So kindergarten. Oh. So however old that is. Jesus Christ. So young as shit and thinking all these thoughts and then thinking. Oh my God. And then thinking I can't wait to like Mack on these girls like you know. You were Macking on girls in kindergarten. I mean it was whatever but it was before first grade. That's kindergarten. Okay yeah so kindergarten yeah Mrs. Antoine's class. And so. So you got grape soda on your face. Grape not even soda just the juice. Juice. Juice on your face. I remember thinking like I remember leaving it there and it was very sticky because it's high C and it's candy basically. So I know I was like but leave it though because it's cool. I remember thinking like just stick with it because it's very cool. And finally it was so sticky that I was like I hope that this is like paying off because I got to wipe my face. And so I asked the girl like really insecurely like next to me I was like hey I was like is it like all purple on my face like but like wanting it to be purple you know. And she goes. And she just goes like this. No. And then I was like can I go to the bathroom and I wash my face. When you went to the bathroom did you look in the mirror? And then I looked at my face it was just my face. Zero purple. But that was like those were actual thoughts that this idiotic fucking kindergartner had. Yeah. I was like oh I look like a rock star is what I thought. This moment so you can remember when you're just a little kid where you're so fucking stupid they will haunt you deep into adulthood. That's what I'm saying I think about that all the time. I think about it all the time it's probably shaped me. You know.