How Joey Diaz Gave a Struggling Comic Some “Exposure”

There was a time when I was going through a phase where I dropped my pants on stage. Oh. You stopped doing that? I did. People start to complain. Why? I don't know. I'm like, this is the oldest comic gig in the fucking thing. This is the gag. You drop your pants. Jerry Lewis is funny. Did you have underwear on? Yeah. Oh no. Yeah, I had underwear on. Ari pulls his hog out. Not anymore. Really? Really scared now. Can you do that? Isn't that illegal? You still pull your hog out. He pulled his hog out at Skankfest in New York. They had a Skankfest. I'm, again, not familiar with this stuff. You gotta get in the loop. I know. I'm out of it. I did a few weeks ago. Did you? That killed Tony, yeah. Pulled his hog out again? Yeah, right before he was here. Maybe Tony was here one of the times. Where was it? At my stage. Oh, in the comic store? I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah. Well, probably shouldn't say that. That could probably be a problem. What was embarrassed? Illegal. Well, I used to do it, Joe. It's a fake rubber dick. Don't worry about it, folks. I used to do it. You used to pull your dick out? Yeah, and then nobody noticed that I was embarrassing. I did it. I did it. It's a joke. Yeah, Joe. Sometimes I do jokes, right? It's okay. What am I here? My father? No. It's okay. It's all fine. It's all fine. Ari has always done ridiculous shit. He used to go on stage with his balls out of his pants and not address it. No, come on. So he'd go on stage and do his act. Oh, my God. And what he would do is he would just unzip his pants, pull his sack out, and then just have only a sack hanging out while he was on stage. Who did it at the store where there was someone on stage with the bombing? Yeah. There was a woman on stage. She was terrible. Like one of the worst comics that's ever done comedy. This one night, she was killing. I mean fucking killing. This is why. When she would hit a punch line, Joey was hiding behind the stage and he was naked. And he'd go, and then he would close the curtains. And so she would get this giant fucking laugh. She was like, wow. So you can see her kind of feeling her oats. And then she's like, and then I told him, fuck you. No. Yes. Yes. Balls ass naked. That seems like you could be in jail. That seems criminal. Would Joey's balls look like grapefruit in an old lady's pantyhose? And he's got a giant dick. So Joey would, you know, he's got this huge belly. So he opens up the curtains. His pants are down by his ankles. His balls and his dick are hanging out. He's got this huge belly. Yeah. She never did comedy again. Really? No. I'm making my own up. She should have. There he is. That's in Austin, actually. That was where we were at the hotel, hanging out in the, there's Ari in the background, hanging out at the jacuzzi, getting ready for the show. Wow. Yeah. Back in the day. I mean, like comedy, it's already dangerous enough. I don't need to add nudity. Well, you get in trouble now. Like people can get really angry at you for showing your dick. Well, that's not like the olden days. It was kind of a, it was a subtle gag. It's a goof. People could see it. Yeah. It's a goof. Nobody cared. It's got its cock out. Yeah. Joey used to do it all the time. Yeah. I don't, there was, I remember when I was a kid, I had older sisters and there was a flasher in our neighborhood. They would go like, oh, the guy flat. I'm like, I don't understand this whole thing. I understand why he's doing that. I don't understand why it freaks you out so much. It's like, I don't, the whole thing, but I do not know. I understand why it freaks them out. I get the freaking out. I still don't get why they do it, but I think it has something to do with someone traumatizing you when you're young. It's got to be humiliation, something you're addicted to that kind of. There's lots of people like that. Yeah. Well, how about guys who are addicted to the higher women to gag them and shit on them and kick them in the balls and sometimes like really powerful men. And hurt them. Yeah. Like hurt them. Stomp their nuts. Like stomp on their nuts with a stiletto and then it starts bleeding. How is that fun? How is that? What is that? I don't know. That is such a- Broken people. That is broke. So, so down a rabbit hole of humility. I mean, I was hit a lot as I went to Calvary. I got all the guilt and hitting and somehow I managed to avoid that kind of shit. I think that is- Not that I don't have weird shit, but- That's a mommy shit and it's like the whole pantyhose and beating you and kicking in the balls. It's like, there's obviously- It's got to be your mom, right? A spectrum of pathologies that people can develop in their life. And there's probably a lot of mental illness involved in there and violence and abuse. But apparently there's a woman that I talked to who's a dominatrix and she was telling me and Jim Norton, Jim Norton- Yeah, I know Jim. He in a dominant, he loves dominatrix. And she was saying most of her clients are like these like wealthy CEOs and they run these companies and they're the fucking man. And when they walk in, oh, Mr. Wilson's here. Hello, Mr. Wilson. Can I get you a cup of coffee? And everyone's kissing their ass and they want someone to shit on them, like literally shit on them. They want someone to tie them up. And she, yeah, she would say that those are the guys. Why is that though? I guess it's just- So every powerful guy wants to like feel a release of their power? Well, that's why when the- John Wayne wanted to be shit on, I don't get it. Maybe. The Steele dossier, right? When they were talking about Trump getting peeing on and all that stuff or peeing on them. That's why it made sense. It's like, well, of course. Of course. Not that it's real, not that it made sense that it's real, but that would be a story that you would kind of expect from a super powerful guy who had a weird kink. Right. Super powerful guys with weird kinks. They usually want to get pegged, right? They want to get pissed on. Paged. Paged is the best. That's one of the best things. Because you could say pegged on national TV right now. Yes. It's still, you can still say it. They're pegged. No one can stop you. Right? Paged is not like- It's not in the dictionary, I don't think. Right. If you say butt fucked with a dildo, people go, hey. But you shouldn't even say that because it's too wordy. The economy of words, pegged fits better. And it's got a P and a G. Paged. How do you just not start laughing when she starts pegging you? I don't know. How do you just not start laughing? You might be really into it. And then you're like, oh, yes, I'm a bad boy. I didn't get it. What did the women get out of it? They get to dominate you and fucking humiliate you. Yeah, I knew a guy and this girl said that she would fuck him if he let her peg him. And he wouldn't do it. Oh, really? And we were calling him gay. She wanted to do it. Yeah. Well, she said, she goes, I'll let you fuck me. She was not letting you fuck me, but I want to fuck you in the ass. How pretty lushy. She's pretty hot. And all my friends called him gay. Well. Bro, you're gay. You should have just fucked her and let her take her ass. You won't let someone fuck you in the ass. You're gay. My friend, it was funny. He was like, it's not even a real dick, bro. There's no wind there for this guy. She's hot, man. She probably doesn't want to fuck you, but she's willing to do it. If you're willing to do something for her, she probably always wanted to peg a guy. You got to make some sacrifices. It's like your joke about the female version of who wants to give you a job in Hollywood movie. Oh, Harvey and Weinstein. Yeah. Yeah. It's like that. If Harvey and Weinstein came to my son with a solid contract, I'd be like, dude, you're going to be Batman.