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Nimesh Patel is a stand up comedian and writer. In 2017, he became the first Indian American writer on SNL.
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The show that's about representing age and identities and all that. I'm like dope. And that's, I get there at like 7.30 and I walk in and I'm like, okay, I know all these kids. I mean, they're like 20 or something, but like I know them. I grew up with these kids, you know, like Abigail's and Prateek's or whatever. Like I know all these guys. And immediately my comic hat turns on. I'm like, okay. The show itself, the energy is dope, but the show, like acoustically I'm looking, okay, it's a high ceiling, the lighting shit. It's not set up for like a comedy event, but I still think, okay, this is going to go well. 8.30, 8.45, I get on stage and I'm like, I do some Columbia stuff because I went to Columbia for like a summer program. I started making fun of the kids a bit. And I say, do I have to give like a trigger warning? Almost like joking. Like, do I have to give a trigger warning? Because I know, you know, that's a thing. And I say like, be careful. Some of this might be sexist. Some of this might be racist. You know, just buckle up. And one girl boos. And I'm like, wait, you're booing? Already? It's like two minutes in? And I'm like, well, look, this is the, I literally said, I just listened to the set on the way here and I said, well, buckle up, you know, because this is the real world or whatever. And then I go into material and about, and it's going well. This is one story I want to dispel. Like I will fully own a bomb. If I'm bombing, I know I'm bombing. I will tell you that I bombed before, a billion times. I'm doing fine. Sixty, seventy percent of the set. Seventeen minutes in, I tell the joke where I say, effectively, you know, I don't think being gay is a choice, which is, I don't think it is at all. But this is how you know, because there's gay black people and no one's going to choose to be gay if they're already black, right? No one's doubling down on hardship. That's a funny joke. Thank you. No one. That's a funny joke. Thank you. No black dude ever wakes up and thinks, you know what, this black shit too easy. I'm going to put on a Madonna halter top and some Jordans and tell an Indian dude how to live his life. That's not a choice. That's newborn that way. And that, it bombs. Like this silence. Really? Complete silence. And then I say, you're exactly who I expect it to be as a crowd. And then I say, the only person that chooses, this is also what was imprinted, is that the offensive part to me, what I think is offensive, is the next part where I say the only person that chooses whether or not to be gay on a daily basis is Mike Pence, right? We can all agree that, like, I don't know if he's gay or not, but no man hates homosexuals that much if he himself is not a homosexual. He chooses not to be gay every day. And that gets some laughs and applause and I'm like, okay, cool. And then I get back into it. I'm rolling for another two or three minutes. I started talking to some, I do a joke about how my dad landed in Newark when he immigrated to America. Some girls from Newark, she interrupts. I started talking to her for like two minutes and that goes terribly. It's just like, I'm trying to, I'm going fishing with her, just trying to see if I can get back into it. What is she interrupting? Is she heckling or is she? I say a joke where I said my dad landed in Newark, back when he landed, it was called Brick City because if you looked at someone wrong, they'd hit you with a brick, right? Fine kind of throwaway line. This girl goes, that's not true. I'm like, well, yeah, I'm like, obviously, you know, I'm just kidding. I know where she's trying to do. I'm just trying to talk to her and I'm going, trying to talk about like trying to get back into material. And that's like probably minute 20 or something. And then out of my corner, my left eye, I see the three girls that invited me to do the show initially in May or June, like gather. And I'm like, that's kind of strange. I still talk to this girl for like another 30 seconds. And then as I'm concluding my talking to her, because I realized that's not going to go anywhere. They come on stage with microphones and like one trench coat and they're just like, they're like, it's time for it. They literally say there's been a change. Thank you, Nimesh. There's been a change in program. You know, we've received from comments from members. You know, we think that's enough. How long had you been on stage for? 20 something minutes at this point. And it was that one joke that did it. So I go, I'm like, first, I'm like, I'm not even mad at this point. I'm just like in shock. I'm like, this is like an episode of impractical jokers. I'm just like, what are you talking about? I still have 45 minutes left. I'm slated to do an hour. I'm like, really? And they say, yeah, there's been comments like people are upset or offended. And I'm like, I feel like we're having a good time. And some of the crowd cheers. And then I'm like, why do I got to go? And when the girls goes, the tech has to leave. And I look at the tech has to leave. This is all on YouTube. Like someone put the YouTube video out of this particular part. I go, they better be leaving because I can see the tech people. And I'm looking at them like, you got to bounce, dude? So the tech people, meaning the people that are coordinating the electronics that broadcast the show. Exactly. Whoever's running. I don't need tech. I don't have fucking pyro. It's like the microphone's on. What do you mean the tech has to go? The tech people have to. They're coming up with lies. Yeah. I mean, I understand why she lied because she's trying to save face and not like go and try, I guess, not to embarrass me or whatever. But I'm like, I'm not going to believe that shit that all three of you came out to be like the tech has to go. And then I go, is it because the tech has to leave or because I'm saying some things that made people uncomfortable? And one of the other girls goes, there's a, we think there's a distinction between being uncomfortable and being disrespectful. And I'm like, don't use your big words on me. But in my brain, I'm like, what, what, what are you talking about? Like I don't think I've been disrespectful at all. And there are some people who are like, what the fuck is going on? Majority of people are like, what the fuck is going on? And but like, there's a pocket of the crowd where the three Asian American Alliance leaders and like the rest of the sort of crew was like waiting. And I think some of them cheer when they're like, there's a distinction between disrespectful and being uncomfortable. I'm like, what are you talking about? I haven't been disrespectful in the slightest. What are you talking about? And then one girl goes, we think you're not entitled to be making some of the jokes you're making. And I'm like, I'm like, my, my trigger war is entitled, you know, like I'm, I'm thinking and at this point I'm like, I'm too almost in shock, deer in headlights kind of to like even processed anger. I'm just like, now I'm just trying to assess what they're specifically saying, like which jokes specifically? And they're like, we think that gay and black joke is particularly offensive or whatever. And I'm like, and then at this point, I'm like, instead of explaining that the joke is quite progressive, I'm like, I literally got that joke from an audience member at Stand Up New York in like 2011. Like I remember the conversation distinctly because it was such like one of these sort of, oh shit, that's a good bit moments. And I tell them that and they were like, you got it talking to a guy. Yes. So I was on stage and I used to live in Hell's Kitchen in New York and I'm like, there's like a gay black constituency that would always like make fun of me when I was like leaving my apartment, but like, like ribbing, you know what I mean? And so like, I'm trying to talk about that on stage at Stand Up New York, doing like a check spot or whatever. And I'm talking to the crowd and then there's a gay black guy that like heckled me and I started talking to him. And then at some point I'm like, this is how you know being gay can't be a choice, right? And he, he starts dying and we have like a good report. I'm like, oh, perfect. This is a great bit that I just got. And so I tell them that and they're like, no, you know, there's been a change of, like you have to go. And I'm like, effectively I'm like, like you're wrong for doing what you're doing right now. I'm a generational than you guys. I know comedy better than anybody in this room. That's where goddamn sure. And I know disrespect and I've been through a lot of shit. Like I know that what I'm saying right now hasn't been offensive in the slightest. And I say you can't isolate yourself from the real world. Like this, what are you going to do when, when some real bad shit happens in the world? Like if someone actually does something that's offensive, you can't handle things this way. If you silence someone that's not, that's not progress or whatever. And then they asked me if I have closing remarks. Whoa, you have closing remarks. Closing remarks. And I should have prepared. So it's hard to come up with closing remarks out of nowhere. On the spot. I tried to save it. I tried to save it with a bit, you know? And it fucking bombed. And I'm like, all right. And I just, I'm like, I'm still talking. And then they cut my mic and I'm like, really? I'm like, really? Really? You cut my, all right. And then I'm like, all right, thank you. Put the mic down and I bounce. And then they try to, then they won't even let me talk to them backstage. Like one, one member's like, we got to escort you out. I'm like, you can escort me out. I'm six foot one Indian dude. Like I don't need escort from you, tiny person. Like I'll be fine. I'm not here to fight anybody. Even though I was, this is just not the movie. So are they escorting you out because they want to kick you out or are they worried about your safety? No, they want to escort me out because they want to take me out. Right, right, right. And so I go to, I have a camera crew there because I'm trying to film every hour that I do. And I go to them and I'm like, what the fuck? What just, if you watch a YouTube clip, I'm like, on stage, I look at them and I go to them and I'm like, and then some of the members from the Alliance try to talk to me. Like we're so sorry that that happened. Like, you know, that's not all of us or we don't know what just happened. And in my head, I'm like thinking so much for the Alliance part of this whole thing, right? Like I thought we're the same people. I'm fleshy. We come from the same place. So there's no other jokes they found offensive that was the only one? That's what they said. There's like two or three things that said like articles, which I made the mistake of just reading everything. Like, don't ever do that. I'll fucking just read everything. And I like this two or three articles that say like I was badgering two people in the crowd and there's like one girl who like maybe two or three minutes in, like I talked to her for crowd work. Like I asked where she's from, what she's doing, whatever. And she gets up like she stands and like shows herself off to the crowd. I make fun of her for a little bit. And then this other girl, the one, the Newark chick, that is like, we get personal because she reveals that, you know, her father's not in her life with the conversation just gets awkward. It's not she revealed that her father is not in her life. She was I'm talking. I'm talking to her like, I was like, what are your parents do or whatever? And she's like, she's like, I don't know what my dad does. I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, oh, I don't know him. I'm like, oh, you but you don't. He's not in your life or whatever. He doesn't. And she's like, yeah, I was like, OK, I can sense that she's uncomfortable now to the point where I asked her, I was like, are you uncomfortable? She said no. I said, cool. I could make this worse. And then I'm like, but I won't. You seem like a nice person. That's when they came out. But the people are apologizing to me and I'm like, I'm now I'm mad. Now I'm like, once I leave the stage, I'm now I'm livid. But I know myself well enough to be like, I'm not going to talk to anybody if I'm angry because I'll just say some wild shit. Like I don't I thought I could have Bill Bird Philadelphia, the whole thing. You know what I mean? This just went off on all these people for like 10 minutes. What the fuck is wrong with him? I just went I was like, I got to go like I'm out. I took my crew and we just we just walked straight out of this fucking giant hall. And and then like I'm waiting for my car and people from the show are like, like apologizing, not like just audience members. Now, yeah, we're so sorry. We don't that was fucked up. That shouldn't have happened. You were doing great, whatever. And then like I get my Uber to my next show. After this, I have to do another hour at another show. And where are you going next? UCB East and Lower East Side from from Columbia to Lower East Side. It's like a 30 40 minute ride. And we hop in the car and like I'm like first my text my agent. I'm like this just happened. And he's like, do not say shit until you get paid. I'm like, that's probably the right move. Because I'm about to just fucking Instagram something like that's a real agent. Yeah. Yeah. He's a man. He's a shekels. Yeah. He was just do not say shit until you get paid. I'm like, you're right man. And I'm just like in my head like mad listening to like Drake just like I got led enemies that I'm just like fucking everything that I think is wrong that we hear as like a narrative of like kids are soft. All this kind of shit is playing like yes, that's what it is like. And I'm thankful that my crew was there because I'm to I'm venting to them because if they weren't there, I'd be on some other shit. But as I'm checking my Instagram because I'm like, this is definitely going to be a fucking story on Instagram at the very least. I'm like people are DMing me from the show like yo, we're so sorry that that happened. That's so fucked up. People are emailing me the same shit. I'm like, was anybody saying fuck you? You shouldn't have been there in the first place. No, no one said that to me at one girl who was the suite mate of one of the organizers DM me and just like yelled at me. Basically, I just I ever I wrote to her. Thank you for your support. You know, just like that. She say she said on the find it. Do my DMS just blew up. Is this Twitter or Instagram? Instagram and she my Instagram is not like I deleted from my phone, but she was. I deleted it from your phone. I delete. I check it in the morning and I delete it and I check it at night and I delete it again. Really? I just fucking hate. So when I was at SNL, I worked on update. And so like I was constantly on my phone or on Twitter on Instagram, just like checking news, reading shit and like it it annoyed the shit out of me. I hate the news. Lo and behold, I am the news now for a bit, but like I fucking I hate the news. It's all bullshit. And like being in this cycle, right, has confirmed my belief that it's all fucking nonsense. But she effectively says, I hope you learn your lesson of respecting what you were hired to do and respecting strong young women and check your fucking ego. And I was just like, I was I was like, I it took all of me not just to be like, just eviscerate because I'm like, I'm good with what I'm not good. A lot of things, but I can I can eviscerate somebody in an Instagram DM. And so I didn't I didn't say shit to her besides thank you for support. But all these people are messaging me like, yo, we're so sorry that fucking happened. And like, I'm like, all right, I'm not totally fucked with all these kids. And I go to this show, UCB East and like I'm taping the hour an hour so I can't even process what just happened because my instinct is just talk about this immediately. But I can't because I have to tape this hour. And so I get off stage and the hour goes well. And as I'm leaving UCB East, three kids that were at the show at Columbia had come down from Columbia and followed me to UCB East and they came up to me and apologized in person. They're like, we're so sorry that happened. Like, we love your set. Like, we don't know what the fuck is going on. And that took me that gave me like a beat to be like, all right, you know, like maybe maybe everyone isn't this way. Maybe it's just the people that have the fucking bullhorn that get to just say whatever the fuck they want and silence people that are like the minority, but they're like the the vocal minority, whereas like all these people that are like actually on my squad are not as vocal as they can be. They're more like quiet and apologize in person. And so the next day, I don't think anything about it. But like the Columbia newspaper hits me up like I got off I leave Columbia at 930. The Columbia newspaper hits me up at 10 0 5 p.m. Like, hey, do you have any comment? Like comment. I'm hungry. How's that for a comment? Like I don't. Well, I'm not going to talk to you right now. Let me fucking process what's going on the next day. I'm still thinking about it, but I'm going down to open for Aziz in Atlantic City and open for him. I'm telling the story and he's he immediately hits on the fact that it's crazy that these kids came up to and apologize. And I'm like, I didn't even think about how insane that is because I'm still mad. But I'm thinking I'm talking to these kids like I'm talking to these and just like that is kind of crazy because it's so easy to buy into the shit that everyone is a fucking soft motherfucker. And then I think about it some more. And then I think about like all the gigs I've done college wise before, like in the past year, I've been lucky to know I did like Texas, I did a school in Alaska, I did a school in Ohio, the school in Maryland. And I've said much more offensive shit like anti Trump shit in the fucking readiness of states. And it's all been fine. You know, like I've never been kicked off stage before. And so to me, like this Columbia incident, even the students there seem like the exception rather than the rule of like, everyone's a soft person. You know what I mean? Does that make sense? It does make sense. But what I think is, is young kids in particular that are in a position of power, right? They're running something. They have this idea of how people should behave that they want in their head. And when you don't fit that that mold, then they just decide to be outraged. Yeah, that's what happened here. You look at the context of what you said. First of all, you're a comedian, right? You're obviously a guy who jokes about shit. Right. So that's not a you're not saying anything negative about black people or gay people. You're essentially admitting that it's a hardship. I mean, we all agree that black people experience racism and gay people experience homophobia. Everybody agrees that. So that joke makes perfect sense. And it's funny. Thank you. I mean, it's it's it's stupid. What they're doing is stupid. It's like, but that's normal, man. Dude, that's been going on forever. I stopped doing colleges a long time ago, like the early 2000s. I did a college in Florida. And I remember thinking these kids, they don't know enough. Like this is not fun. The only reason why I would do this is for money because colleges pay a lot of money. Yeah. But they don't know enough. I mean, they should if they if they're 18 year old kids and they get to a club that has an 18 year old limit, we can get in at 18. They should do that. And then they'll be with other 30 year olds and people with life experience. I don't want to I don't want to perform at the whim of children. And that's what these are. These are children who are engaging in recreational outrage. They're deciding to be outraged. Yeah, that's what it felt like with with them, particularly it felt like like I grew up fine. I grew up, I grew up rich, but my parents had some money for a bit before things went like or average middle class people. But like to me, it's like I've been through some life. And so I know when people who haven't been through life get upset about you. It's always like the thing with Texas and Ohio and Alaska is like these are like the kids of blue collar people, the people who have been through some shit and maybe not even just blue collar, but people have been through some kind of life, a life experience where they know that things aren't just like words can hurt. But for the most part, they're fine. It's like when like your fucking dad loses his job. Well, it's also it's the intent of what you're trying to do. Yeah. Like what are you trying to do? You're trying to get laughs. You're telling jokes and trying to get laughs. That's what you're fucking hired.