Cash is DISGUSTING!

I don't have anything in the stock market anymore because after Bear collapsed and I saw, I literally saw people that were working there for 30 years lose everything because they lost their job and they were reinvested in the company, which they say you're not supposed to do, but this company like Bear like built itself on being like, like loyalty and like, you know, like, like work for us help people move ahead and then they'd reinvest back into the company. You give it, you get stocks like all this stuff and then you lost your job and the stock price went from one 30 to $2. You're fucked. Did it help you when everything crashed to give you a jump to get into standup and go balls out? No, it was sorry for the male expression. How dare you? Sorry to gender. Yeah, cause you can't say labia out. That's very weird. What can you say? I'll clit out. Yeah. I went real clit out on this. That might be a new thing. That sounds bad coming out of my little mouth. Oh my God. No, it was like I was cheap. I was relatively cheap labored compared to everyone else. I knew I wasn't going to lose my job. I also came up with a Microsoft access program that we used in the department that no one else knew how to use. Really? Yeah. So you kind of had your job locked in. Yeah. The company could go under. The company could go under, but it wasn't, I was still in the early enough phase that like I, I had no idea what this whole comedy thing was going to turn into. And I- Did it give you motivation? Like knowing that all these people that did work hard towards a legitimate career, that it could all fall apart on them. I mean, that scarred me, I think in a different way where I was just like, oh, you can't, you can't trust the stock market. Like that's, it more put me like, it didn't make me worry about. Like my career or anything like that. Like I was, I think I was too young to think about longevity career wise. And I was too new in, in comedy to think it was like, that could all fall apart. I was, I didn't assume it was going to go anywhere anyway. And but it really did. Like people always like, well, you should be invested. You should be like, they're like, no, over time. I'm like, no, I know all the sayings, but if it crashes when you want to retire, it doesn't matter. Like if you're a 60 or whatever it is and you want to retire and your 401k just completely drops, then you got to wait what, 10 more years to retire until it gets back up to where it was. So, you know, keep it in cash, baby. So that's what you do now. Yeah. You got to save at home. Every now and then you throw the money on the bed and just roll. Every once in a while. Decent proposal. What would that be? Like, you're like, I'm just going to roll around in this money. And then afterwards you're like, I got to clean up all this money. You test positive for cocaine. Yeah. You got like, you got every germ. Yeah. If you're naked and you're rolling around with money, that's fucking gross. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even like why I like wash my hands after I touch my shirt. Yeah. Disgusting. I mean, it's, it's, everyone's carrying it. Yeah. So it's, it's something that we know people touch. It's like one of the one things that you know has been passed on from person to person to person to person. Very few objects, like a watch or a light, very few objects touched by as many people as money. Yeah. And often. And strangers. Yeah. Dirty people. It's on the ground. Yes. It's in a machine. Yes. It's gross. And the numbers of people that get dollar bills that test positive for cocaine, it's crazy. Really? It's off the charts. It's on a hundred dollar bills. Like the percentage of a hundred dollar bills to test positive for cocaine. It's really high. Yeah. Yeah. It's really high. Yeah. I mean, I guess it would be hundreds. Yeah. Hundreds in circulation. You're trying to impress people. I don't give a fuck. I'm gonna lay down fire when I'm done. Did you see that Walmart sweater that they got in trouble for? Yeah. The cocaine Santa. Cocaine Santa. I liked that one. They're so lame. They didn't even know what the fuck it was. Yeah. They were like, no, it's snow. No, no, no. Stupid. What's the percentage of dollar bills? Does it say? Yeah, but. What? It's not legit. Fecal matter showed up more than cocaine. It's a lot of poop. Of course. Dirty people wipe their hands with their own hands. Just smudge it on their dollar bills. Maybe they wipe their ass with dollar bills when they run on a toilet paper and then they wash the dollar bill off in the sink but do a shitty job of it. Pardon the pun. I mean, if you did run out of toilet paper. Yeah, if you do it, it's probably solid. Clean it off in the sink. It says the flu can last for up to 17 days on a dollar bill. Oh, great. Mm. Credit cards. That's why credit cards. When people start getting sick, just pull out the credit card. That's why when I was little, I ate dirt, I ate boogers, I ate grass. Good move. And I rarely get sick. Good move. Solid immune system. Solid immune system. Yeah, that's why people in third books. Because I was a gross child. 80% for cocaine, 94% according to a 2002 report for poop. 94%. How is poop getting on everything? Because people are gross. They always say there's fecal matter on your toothbrush. If it's near you, I'm like, how is it getting there? People are gross. We're disgusting. How is it popping? What's happening? Wow, we're touching railings after you wash your hands. I was at Disneyland. This little kid was sucking on a chain. Oh, no. Just out of the chain in his mouth. I'm like, get your kid. Just shit chain. At Disneyland. Just someone pulling that chain out of their ass. Clink, clink, clink, clink. Rehooking it up. That is my favorite ride at Disneyland. That is shit chain. He was sucking on the chain. What's up? That was beautiful. Oh, there's so much. That's a high percentage. 94 per poop and 80 something for Coke. Yeah, a lot of fucking people doing Coke on $100 bills. Under different strains of bacteria for animals, unspecified domestic animals. Yeah, if you wanted to really spread a disease in this country, spread it through money. Yeah, don't give people that idea. Sorry, I'm more creative with my ideas. I didn't tell them the one about the plane. I'll tell you afterwards. I'll tell you my plane idea. Yeah, it would be really easy if you had like cocaine on dollars. You could easily just put some sort of a fucking horrible disease on dollars. Yeah.