Bert Kreischer on What It Was Like to Have Dinner with Ralphie May

I've got an idea. I've recorded my spells for February 7th and 8th. I will, at the end of that special, start gaining weight. First one to pass me wins. This is actually really fun. This is gonna wait down. I will eat for real for re- WHAT?! AHHH! 186. Damn, look how slim you are. That's when I met my wife. Damn, you got those fuck handles. She signed on for a raw deal. Yeah, no, it's got a penny stuck. Wow. I will gain weight. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Have you ever seen Tom's jawline? He looks like fucking Magnum PI when he was skinny. Seventh grade? Bro, I'm telling you right now, a very, very attractive man. I believe you. Fine, tell me, where can we find that pig? And then Google Fats. Look at this fucking guy. Oh Jesus. Look at his pouty lips. Look at you. You like that, Ari, come on. I'm standing up for your masturbate. You look good. You look good back then. Who's that guy on the left pretending to be you? Look at that. That's a fake you. That's not my shirt. How great is that title for now? What is that t-shirt? No idea. That title's great. I remember that CD. Thrill is back in the early 2000's, right? 2010. Oh shit. That's a good looking Tom right there. That's the one I fell in love with. Yeah, look at that sweetie. I remember exactly when that was. When was that? That was in Russell Peters show on Showtime. You got a fat dimple on your chin, on your cheek. Ooh, 2009. So, the thing about weight loss is if you guys just do the weight loss thing and just get down and wait for a day or a couple days, that doesn't help anybody. It doesn't, no. What if you could keep it off? That's the health, that's the key. What is your thing? What keeps you eating? What is your, what's your vice? For me it's pasta. It's carbs. When I eat a lot of carbs, it's just like fuck, I can't help myself sometimes. Yeah, I would say it's probably carb related. Like I like rice, bread, pasta. Pasta, yeah. I love it. I mean I'm not a crazy sugar, like sweet tooth. I'm a glutton too. I fucking, I eat and I'm stuffed and I just keep eating. I don't really do that as much anymore. I used to do that all the time. I used to think that's how meals were completed, like every meal. But that's like I would say at my worst. But I don't think I really eat like that most of the time now. But I don't, you know, I'm not like weighing out everything as much as I should, you know. So you could just cut back your portions. I could, yeah. And you'd probably still be fine. You probably wouldn't feel like you're denying yourself anything. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Yeah. That's how I always feel. I always feel like too like I'll get on a good meal plan and it's just about the discipline of sticking to it and then you know start doing it less. Are you weighing up? What are you doing now? Are you going to go with your clothes on? How much did you pee? Your clothes on. Wow. Yeah, you're, I understand my problem with weight loss. I don't understand yours. Yours is booze. Yeah, mine's booze. Yours is booze, obviously. Yours is not a booze thing, right? But it's more than booze is that it's the things that booze invites into my life after midnight. Yeah, like that basic foods. Late night food is rough. But also the empty calories of booze. Empty calories of booze is what it is. Seven calories per gram. Dude, you lost like fucking 30 pounds by not drinking. Yeah. What is yours? Yeah, it's food. Yeah, so if you lost 30 pounds from not drinking, you'd be 207. You're on 205's door. You're just knocking at it. Yeah, but I don't know what, like Tom, because Tom does not, like we've had dinner a bunch of times. It's not like he's like a gluttonous eater like he's just a- I bet you have had dinner a bunch of times tonight. I ate with Ralphie, man, and he would fucking, he would like jaw drop you on food. It was crazy. It was crazy. He went to Katana once and he ordered like everything. And then it was like, oh, that's great. We're all good egos. No, no, no. That's my order. Now you guys put in your order. Dude, that's my, the sushi, the Burt's sushi experience with Ralphie is my favorite story because of the whole thing is that Burt is like, you're an opening act at the time. Yeah, it was opening for him. And Ralphie is inviting Burt and his wife and like Burt and, you know, Burt's or Lee-Ann or Ralphie's wife, they're all having dinner. Ralphie's paying all the time. Like four meals, four meals. And they're in Hawaii. No, no, no, no. Right? Oh, sorry, Bahamas. Bahamas, yeah. And then for like one, the next night Burt's like, I'm going to cover like a respectful thing, you know? You've bought all these dinners. I'm taking you to dinner tonight. And they go to sushi. It's like Ralphie and Burt. And Ralphie starts ordering and they're bringing boats out, like the boats with all the sushi. And you guys are jumping in and you don't realize it's all for him? Well, he's just ordering it like- No, but he's just ordering. He's just ordering. And I know I'm paying for it, but he's just ordering. He's like, I got this player. And I was like, all right, cool. And he just kept ordering and ordering and I'm eating and I'm drinking. And then keep going. I like you telling the story better than me. It makes me laugh because Ralphie had treated you guys. Just like four meals. And then you're just like- I pull a waitress side. I've been in this position before too where somebody is like, you know, you want to be like, you know what? Like I'm a fucking man. And I'm in your, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to buy dinner. Now tonight's my night, but you're not in a position to take this bill. So like they bring the bill and it's a fucking four figure bill. This is over a thousand dollar sushi experience. And then you insist on paying. And Leanne. Leanne goes, how much is it? And I go, go fuck yourself. That's how much it is. And she goes, you don't talk to me like that. And I go, go fuck yourself again. Don't talk to me. And Ralphie goes, I'll play. Should have just let me pay it for a player. And she goes, why are you talking to me like this? And I'm looking at like a fucking $1,500 bill. Twelve hundred. I think it was $1,200 or $1,500. I didn't have the money in the bank account to pay for the tip. And it's like that because I fucking- I think what the story always hits me is because I feel myself doing this. I would do the same thing. Oh yeah. Oh. I would do the same thing. Ralphie was so generous. Like he just was so generous that you felt, I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you. I want you to know that I'm your friend and I want to pay for things too. Motherfucker. Yeah. That was a bit- So what happened? Ralphie goes, wow. Leanne's irate at me. Storm's off. Ralphie goes, I'll play. We go win it back on Blackjack. It took $1,000 out, maybe $2,000 out of the bank machine. No. Go to roulette, put it on Black, hits red. All I remember is we were the couple in the lobby fighting. It's like it was so bad. Everybody. You can't even like save for the hotel room. And Ralphie walked past me and it was not a drop in the bucket. Ralphie lose $2,000 and he just saw me fighting with Leanne. He goes, oh, miss Leanne, give him a break. He tried his best. He tried his best. I'll see on the plane, playboy. And then Ralphie was on the plane. You know what's my whole part of the story that I remember the most? Ralphie read a book on a flight from Miami to LA. He read the whole fucking book. I've never read a fucking book in five hours. He was like a really, like you read a book. I remember sitting next to me, read a book. That's a crazy part of the story I remember. No, really. Damn. He was very generous. You were broke. We were broke, man. That's Bert. That's Bert. I like to roll the dice. Yeah. You don't become a comedian if you don't like rolling the dice, man. I don't think so. You got to be crazy. You're a comic. You got to be crazy. You have to be. You have to be a little crazy. And if you're not crazy, I don't know if I want to know you.