Joe, Bert, Tom and Ari Tell Foul Fart Stories

He used to tell me a story once about how he had to take a shit so he took a shit in the bathtub and then he had to smush it with his foot to get it to go down the drain and it all wouldn't go down. It doesn't do bad to use the toilet. Dude, he told me a few times. Do you remember those logs he used to leave? He used to leave logs and he'd come look at this. And he used to. No, no, when he was really big. He could be shit. He pushed him front of the toilet so he couldn't get all the way back there. So his giant shits would land on the beach in front of the water. They didn't land on the water. So they never really flushed. So you'd just see them and they're like. He sends me photos. All the time. Now that he's texting like a fucking ninth grader. He's like, yo, you see the monkey on this chick. He sends me pictures. Everything. Dude, my shits in Colombia from all the greasy orly bonuelos and chicharrones. It was the consistency. Many times a day. And it was this consistent. It was just. Probably helps. Like soft serve. Like. It was like if you fed a puppy too many treats. Bro, when my put when Marsha was a puppy. One thing that happens to some dogs is when their babies are trying to eat their shit. And so he was shitting and trying to eat it at the same time. So he'd spin around in a circle and try to bite it as it was coming out of the hole. He was trying to eat it right out of the tap. Right out of his ass. Yeah. Joey told me one time that he was about shitting in the shower. And he was like, yeah, it was great. I did all the time. I was like, fucking shit in the shower. He's like, yeah, because the man is like, if it's like a log, I just shit. And then I just toss it to the toilet. And I was like, oh, no way. Yeah. And then he said. He said that. How much practice does he have a do with that? Well, I know. He must have missed before. He said, you know, you have a piece of paper. You go to the can, you miss. Oh, missing that. He said that I go, you did you stop? That's so fucking revolting. Did you? He goes, he's like, I had to go. Why? My wife saw me do it one time. She said, no, no, no, no. I saw me do it. You know, with shit in their hand like throwing shit. Oh, my God. It's hilarious. I don't want to leave in the toilet in the bathtub. I farted once in the shower and I shit all over the place. You did. I wasn't feeling that good. And I farted just all over the floor. But I have one of those, you know, those handheld jammies. And I just had to rinse it down. I was in that shower for like a half an hour. And then I squirt shampoo all over the bottom. This will do it. This will clean it. And then I left and then I came back in just to get a fresh smell of it. Because you know, you know, all factory senses are weird because they don't detect smell. They detect changes in smell. That's right. That's why people in Pennsylvania who live near those cattle ranches. Oh, they don't smell anymore. They don't smell shit anymore. Right. Because if you go to like my parents used to live in Wilkesbury, Pennsylvania. Nice to go to drive to visit them from the city. Oh, my God. There's a stretch that you drive. It's all just cattle ranches. It's just horrible fucking smell. I'll be there on the pretty boy tour. It's great town. It's great town. It smells like what? They'll be happy there. It smells like death and shit. Because two things that are happening there slaughterhouses and fucking and cow shit. Cow shit. So you just get this, look that methane stuff that they talk about like being a contributor to greenhouse gases. That's fucking legit. 100%. And apparently you can, they can do something about that if they just add a certain amount of seaweed to a cow's diet. You just blew my mind. So smell is, it's the change in smell that you notice. It's not the smell. Right. That's why people stink, don't notice they stink. That's also why when you smoke a joint, you don't notice it. But everybody else around you, they come, oh my God, you guys are high as fuck. They come in the room and they smell weed. Why Indian people can live at Indian people's homes. Oh, you piece of shit. Bro, it's curry. It's not bad. I had Indian food tonight. I love Indian food. First time I ever had, I never had Indian food. When I was in Russia, we got lap dances from these strippers. And they had all eaten Indian food. I had never, I had never smelled curry before. So I had only grown up in Florida. We didn't have Indian restaurants. And I lived in Tallahassee. And the smell was so disgusting. I was like, these are the most disgusting smelling women I've ever been with. Katsu, probably 15 years later, I'm having dinner with my wife. First time I ever had Indian food. And they bring it, while we walk in the restaurant and I go, dude, it smells like a Russian hooker. It smells like a Russian hooker. I'm going to come in my pants. And I realize, I've most been Indian food. Oh my God, it's hilarious. That's, so that blows my mind. It's just the change in smell that you notice. That's why when you fart. Yeah, right. You smell it. When you do smell it for a second. Yeah, but you're also... Yeah, olfactory senses are designed to detect changes. You're not, your body, your brain sends a signal to you that... To be ready for it. And that's why it doesn't affect you as much as someone else's. No, there's something about this. No, you're ready for it. This fucking is blowing my mind right now. Yeah. That's why people that smell don't know they smell. Well, there's also a thing about your farts that smell good to you because there's something... It's like, there's something in your brain that triggers that you're having a relief. It's like there's a buildup and then you smell the smell and it's like, ah. Because it signifies the relief. You know that feeling when you have to fart. It's like, oh, when you're in your car and you fart and then you start wafting the smell up. You're like, oh, not bad. Bro, I'll fart in a pillow and take it to the face. I love my farts. Do you ever fart in your bed and your wife is in the bathroom? You're like, oh, my God, I got to get a pillow out. Fucking fan. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's when I go, that's when I hold it down and I go, hey, do me a favor. Bad person. Check on the bad people. Tom and I are good people. Tom and I are good people. We fans of the 50s. Oh, shit. I know what I do is I do more theatrical stuff. I'll take this to the next... I want to hear your story first. Well, I do things like I'll do leg kicks as I fart or I'll pull my legs back like I'm changing my diaper composition. She doesn't like it at all. She doesn't like it at all. My mom today farted for like 12 seconds. His mom farts. Give me a fucking heads up if you're going to do this. That one that your mom did when you cart her in the kitchen and then she turns and looks at you. But look at her face. You need to take her to a doctor. There might be something going on. Standard operating procedure. Standard? Of all life? All life. Wow. All life. I'm telling you, today she broke it easily and I go, why don't you fucking tell me so I can record it? And she goes, give me $150,000. Give me $150,000. I'll give her $150,000. Wow. Hold on. Let's hear this. Let's hear this. Let's hear this. Oh, yeah. Go from the beginning. Hold on. Before you play, were you just randomly filming her? You weren't thinking it was coming, were you? No, no. Here's what happened. I said something about... I go, yeah, you think you have one? And she didn't... She thought we were just like bantering. You think you have one fart? Yeah, yeah. And I saw her just turn and I go, oh, I think she might... And you know, the beauty of these things is like pull it out. Pull it out and I just hit the camera from the lock screen and then she just didn't know. Let me hear this. Oh, this is the loop. This is the loop. The look on her face when she turns around and she sees that camera pointing at her. That's so... She's smiling right there. She's smiling right there. She's smiling right there. You don't know my son anymore. You don't know my son. I don't know my son anymore. Oh, and I made merch. Don't I say don't. I said, you know my son anymore and I would send it to the house. She got sent in. You don't know my son anymore. Oh my God. She's the Argentinian? She's Peruvian. Oh my God, that's hilarious. Best one I ever did is when the girls were little like babies, I farted in a McDonald's cup and I put my hand over it and I went... Like a Scooby Doo? Scream? I go, girls, I just caught a butterfly. And they're like, what? Both of them are like, I don't sell it. Like literally immediately. You did it to me once at the Irvine Improv. Oh, it's a good one. You really captured a fart in a cup. Oh, yeah. He let out like a... You know when it's like hot death? When you feel warm and you're like, it's warm and then you're like, it's also rotten. This is like a rotten one. Right, right. I was across like the lobby from him in the club and he was like, hey, come here, come here, come here. Like he signaled like, I got to tell you something. I go, what? And I ran up and like it just hit me like a brick to the face. Like it was... Dude, I have sometimes with my stomach, I told this to Tom a long time ago on our podcast, I took his shit in Japan once. That was so bad. The guy in the stall next to me threw up. And we were in Japan, I thought he was talking to me. He's like, I don't know what you're saying. No Japanese. Dude, I... By the way, that's happened twice. It happened once in Denver. I made people throw up.