13 Solid Minutes of Joey Diaz Telling Crazy Stories About Doctors and Hospitals

Headlock and shout you a better time Listen to me Where'd the needle go? Listen to me On top of his head? Cubans I can't We had a Cuban doctor Dr. Orlando Del Valle He made house calls, okay? He came over He would come into the room And this is very funny Because I'm going to tell you how fucking hysterical heretics is Hereditary shit is crazy Your kids get what you got Now, he would come over Now, Dr. Del Valle did a bump from time to time Now, this is very dark I'm talking about I'm talking about 1968, 69, please This goes on When he come over I lived on 205 West 88th Street He'd bring the little thing And then my mom would talk to my stepdad And then somebody else would be there like a chick That would help my mom And sure enough, he would come over Put the mom in my ass And then look at me and say, Jose Antonio, I have to give you a needle And I'd go, give me five minutes Let me think about it And he and my mom would go, what's going on? He has to think about it I swear to God, you don't take that needle I'll fucking kill you So then they would go on the fucking parlor They'd put on Cuban music And I would put cartoons on Like it was in that ever, ever bowl And then he would have like two drinks Like how old are you during this time? I'm five, six He would have two drinks Then he'd come back in And he goes, Jose Antonio, are you ready yet? And I'm like, I'm not ready So for years they called me Me halo lel That means it's going to hurt They would have to hold me down And give me a shot So then my stepfather, mom, the babysitter And my mom, and my mom would be like I'll fucking knock you out Stop crying, you fuck Be a man I'd be like, you know what's going to hurt? Stop it But I would have an allergy To a certain penicillin So the next day my temperature would go up So he was such good friends with my mom He goes, listen, this is a continuity thing Why don't I just leave you with a penicillin Put in the refrigerator I'll give you a couple syringes And whenever he gets sick, just fucking stick him So we were at a restaurant I was going to a sacred art school for boys And my mother was dropping me off at five o'clock We went to a fancy white people restaurant Next to Carney, New Jersey I'm talking violins like white people in the 70s This isn't like nah, like ha ha These are very conservative white people And this is the double whammy of the day You ready? I don't fucking like milk And my mother used to look under my eyelids I don't fucking like milk Till this day I don't drink milk When you were a kid you didn't like milk? The taste A baby? I drank the tit milk And one day I got old enough and I just didn't like milk But my human people have this thing that they look on the eyelids And my mom would go, you're weak somewhere So she would make me drink milk or whatever So we're at a restaurant, okay? And I'm like, my mom's like, drink your milk I go, I want her cheese, chocolate You know, the powder In those days we were either the chocolate powder or the strawberry I wanted the strawberry, the chocolate The guy goes, listen, we don't have that What I'll do is put a piece of ice cream And I go, give me a milkshake You know what this motherfucker did? He got a glass of milk and he put ice cream on the fucking thing Like a scoop of ice cream So my mom's like, drink the milk I go, it's just fucking milk with an ice cream on it My mom's like, I'm in no fucking mood for you today I'm going to drop you off at the school But you better drink that fucking milk We're at a white people restaurant Do you understand me? Because 1972 My mom goes, you got about five minutes to drink that milk I had my little military suit on and shit My little Catholic suit on Because I had to bring you back with a suit My mom goes, if you don't fucking drink it I'm going to pour it over your fucking head in this restaurant And I was like, I'm telling you right now I ain't going to fucking drink it My mother took the fucking milk Jumped it on my head in this restaurant The fucking ice cream sat on my head I had milk dripping And then the ice cream slowly melted off my head And fell on my lap White people were like, what the fuck? Kind of disciplined So my mom's like, wipe your face So when she wipes my face, Joe Rogan, she goes Do you have a fucking temperature? Because I was such a sickly fucking kid She goes, you got to fuck her How long have you been walking around with this fucking temperature? I don't know She goes, let's go in the bathroom You're still at the restaurant We're still in the restaurant I go, she goes, I got to syringe She pulls it out of her purse She carried it around with her You had that was that sickly of a kid I was at the hospital every other week They knew me on a first name fucking basis Wow, that is crazy She took me in the fucking ladies room Locked the door, taking it past her I'm not doing it Take your pat Oh, so Antonio, please don't make me give you a beating in this fucking bathroom store I'm not doing it And that's when the beating started And she got me in one of those fucking things She unzipped my pants She punched me in the stomach and loosened me up Oh, yeah She was a grinder though Oh my God And she would shoot me That thinking about it now I could get a blood clot Because my ass from me tightening up Would get like a purple thing all the way down my leg Like I'm fucking alive I'm fucking alive, Doug Oh my God I remember I was in Jersey City one time I fainted on a nurse I pissed my pants The nurse comes I pissed the bed Yeah This is my first time ever I pissed the fucking bed, guys When you fainted No, no, no They put me in the hospital at night For a lung infection In the middle of the night I was so scared I pissed the bed And there was a rubber bed So the piss don't go into the mattress You're just swimming in your own piss So finally at five in the morning I get out of this piss fucking juice And I'm just sitting in the chair Looking out the window And this lady comes in with a little cart And she's like, Jose Diaz? I'm like, yeah She's like, I'm here to draw blood I go, listen I just fucking pissed the bed I'm scared shitless Come back in like an hour Let me get my head together What are you gonna bother me with a needle for? Leave the shape for me And she's tormenting me Well, the doctor says we have to do it right now I don't care what the doctor's telling you Let's get some pajamas Let me take a shower Let me get a bed Let me eat some breakfast She's like, no, we gotta do it before breakfast She's breaking my balls Constantly No, we gotta do it before breakfast I'm like, you want a fucking needle, bitch? You want to give me a fucking needle, bitch? Let's go I got so mad I don't even know where I got those At that time I didn't have balls But this bitch aggravated me So much, she wanted to see what I was telling her I'm gonna go down I'm telling you I'm gonna go down You know what this bitch said to me? She goes, then don't sit down Stand up It's better if you stand up Let's go down the hallway And the noise will distract you You won't get that scared feeling I said, this is not gonna end Like this bitch was not leaving without my blood Mm-hmm So you want my blood, bitch? I'll give it to you I got out Let's go We went outside to the fucking hallway She put the fucking tube around my arm She had a little cart I'll never forget 1979 She had a little fucking cart She put the thing around me All I know is she stuck the needle in Next thing you know, I'm hearing sirens Okay? And the cart is tipped over I'm on top of the cart And she's under the cart And they've got two aluminum things One of those things they cracked You ever fight them and they knocked you out? They had two of them in my nose directly Like they wake me up They couldn't get me up They just put them in my fucking nose Let me tell you about that 13-day experience Something I'll never forget that shocked me to that day I still remember from September They let me out the day Ali lost to Larry Holmes Oh, God September 28, 1979 They let me out at two And I went and did ass at a party Fresh with the bracelet on, you know what I'm saying? Like I didn't even take the bracelet off It was a party for me, the whole thing We were fucked up But one thing I remember about that experience Was the third night I was there How scared I was And the guy next to me was an old man And I go, hey, what's your name? He's like Italian He's like, Sal And I go, Sal, what's going on with me? He goes, well I had a stroke And the side of my body that had the stroke Is the side that develops the shit So I'm having a hard time shit I go, really? And I'm blowing the farts the whole night It's a two man bed He's in there dying He's just farting A two man bed It's a two man room Oh, okay And they had a curtain in between And I don't know if his name is Sal I'm just making this up Right Whatever his name was He was a very nice man And he had a family And they come in at night He'd go, ooh Ooh My stomach hurts You know, the whole fucking thing And they tried things on him I remember one night They were like, that's it You're either shitting tonight Or you're doing surgery in the morning The doc I'm listening to the doc You know, you can hear If they're talking to the guy next door And I'm like, I wonder what the fuck They're gonna do to this motherfucker They came with like a ghostbuster gun It was like a caulking gun And they had a tube in it And they put it in his asshole I'll never forget this Having my little black and white TV And just sitting there watching TV And hearing like, ooh And all of a sudden they started squirting water in his asshole Like an animal of hoes And they didn't have PPE on The shit started coming out And the shit was coming out of his ass And they're like, run, run The nurse came and got me They were like, cauldron me They thought I was like, Biggie getting shot They were smothering me There was shit coming out of his ass Remember the Beverly Hillsbillies? How the oil would come out of the floor I will never forget that That they did everything they could Because I knew they think they were Like, I was on a call like, webinar Docker, Docker, webinar Who do you call when they're not cleaning up? I don't know There's something you call Like, they make code Who do people who make code? Like, would they ever make code? I don't know They had like, fuck them, rub my shoulders PPE PPE PPE A firemen protection agency Yeah, whatever, fuck PPE They knew that they didn't come in with the right protection They just came in like, we'll try Let's see if this works When they stuck on his ass, his ass blew up They didn't know it was gonna work They were like, maybe it's not gonna work So, you know, they came in very nice and normal Yeah, and when they shot the Culkin gun With the water up his ass Shit started coming everywhere It was like a volcano I'm not kidding you And you could see it, the curtain was up They opened the curtain for that Oh my god, I can smell it It was like a sewer And he's like, ahhhh I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And they were shooting him with water up his ass Like with a hose And then I called the nurses Get towels, get towels And they threw towels down And that night I had my own room I'm in there fucking by myself Like, Mr. Diaz, we're sorry about that I'm like, don't worry about nothing, I won't say nothing They gave you your own room They gave me a single room Well, it's only right Were you smoking? Did you do a smoking act? No, he's like a doctor Oh, okay, I didn't know if they were like this Joey Diaz, like, that's when he wins I had like a fucking bad lung infection And they pretty much asked me to leave 13 days Why'd they ask you to leave? Because it was too much What do you mean? My friends were coming in with cases of beer Oh, you were partying there? With an A-pack And they were coming with a case of nips Remember six months? They allowed them to bring beer? They didn't allow my friends to do anything They just did it And then one night they got thrown out They started throwing furniture out the window at Christ Hospital And girls used to come in there at night to see me I was like a stud When you're in high school and you get sick Everybody comes to see you You know, I had candy stripers I knew from grammar school It was Jersey City, so They're good old days for social media They just drew me the fuck out They were like, you know what? It's time for you to go, yeah, you'll be fine Go see your doctor I never went to see a doctor again I took acid that night September 20, it was like Larry Holmes was my mom and Ollie