Mark and Shane are true comedians, they carry these episodes, Ari and Brogan are so fucking cringe, old ass boring motherfuckers that are as desperate (for clout) as they are unfunny!
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23 appearances
Shane Gillis is the co-host of “Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast,” a creator and star of Netflix’s comedy series “Tires,” and one half of the sketch comedy duo “Gilly and Keeves.” His most recent special, “Beautiful Dogs,” is streaming on Netflix. https://www.netflix.com/title/81635847 https://www.youtube.com/@MSsecretpod https://www.youtube.com/@GillyandKeeves https://www.shanemgillis.com
21 appearances
Mark Normand is the co-host of “Tuesdays with Stories!” and “We Might Be Drunk” podcasts. His new special, “None Too Pleased,” is streaming on Netflix. https://www.netflix.com/title/82155387 https://www.youtube.com/@TuesdayswithStories https://www.youtube.com/@WeMightBeDrunkPod https://www.youtube.com/@marknormand https://www.marknormandcomedy.com
73 appearances
Ari Shaffir is a comedian, writer, and host of “You Be Trippin’.” His seven-episode live storytelling series, “The End,” is available now from YMH Studios. https://theend.ymhstudios.com https://www.youtube.com/@youbetrippinpod https://www.youtube.com/@arishaffir https://www.arishaffir.com
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Mark and Shane are true comedians, they carry these episodes, Ari and Brogan are so fucking cringe, old ass boring motherfuckers that are as desperate (for clout) as they are unfunny!
These ones are so enjoyable, the only ones I listen to anymore
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Matthew Lesko, Mary Ann Martello, Free Money for Everybody
Updated after each new episode
Bud lights, cigars and shenanigans galore
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
Yeah, they're back.
We're rolling, officially.
What?
Protect our parks.
It's here.
Holy hell.
Because we have one less.
It's time to protect our parks.
So from the time of Protect Our Parks, we officially have lost one park.
We have lost one park.
So we're not protecting shit.
We've done zero saving of parks.
Everyone says you have a big reach is wrong.
Because you protected O for one park.
Not only did it, it became the opposite of a park.
They built a fucking jail on it.
They're going to.
Did they really?
The jail?
Yeah.
I just saw signs like, hey, we have to tear down the rest of it too.
But they're not jailing anybody.
The thing about New York is they're letting everybody out.
They let some guy out for murder.
He just shot somebody and they let him out with no bail.
And everybody's like, what the fuck is going on?
Who did he kill?
I don't know.
They arrested him for murder.
It was like this outrage article.
He'll beat up an Asian lady soon.
That seems to be the pattern.
They get out of jail and just beat up Asian ladies.
I feel horrible for these women.
Quit hanging out outside of prisons.
Yeah.
That's a wild take, right?
People that think that all Asians are responsible for COVID.
So you just go up to Asians and punch them.
They're not.
When it gets down to the lowest level reaction to a crisis.
I see a lot of people today that are really pissed at Russian people.
Boycotting Russians.
There's some restaurant here.
They're not sending money back for the cause.
Russia House.
Cut the Russia off their name.
What?
And now it just says house.
Remember when we made French fries and our Freedom Fries?
And we're like, we're doing something.
We're fucking idiots.
What a dumb fucking place we left.
How about the dummies that pour their vodka down the toilet?
Okay, stupid.
You already bought that.
Drink it.
They have your money.
How about have a free vodka party?
Give it to a refugee.
There you go.
I was in Salt Lake when it started.
And they had like a law.
They were like, we're banning Russian vodka.
The club owner was like, what the fuck?
It's not state run.
This is all my money.
It's so dumb.
Exactly.
What are you talking about?
I already bought it.
Yeah.
What about Russian dressing?
Not only that.
It's just fucking people.
Imagine if you're like some hardcore lefty communist.
And you sell something.
And then they say, oh, America.
America's bombed fucking Yemen.
We can't sell American products anymore.
So your American products now are useless.
Yeah.
That doesn't make any sense.
You'd be like, what?
I'm Toms of Maine.
I give money to homeless.
Exactly.
I'm Ben and Jerry.
I'm a communist.
What the fuck are you talking about?
I'm a Jew with no sense of taste.
That communist flavor is pretty good, though.
Ben and Jerry's.
It's just vanilla.
Something's there.
What is a communist thing?
There was something there, but that wasn't it.
Let's punch that up.
What's a communist?
You can't report on the flavors right now.
They're all working together.
See, I don't know anything about communism.
So I couldn't write the joke.
It would have to be a joke where you buy ice cream for everybody.
Talk to Yoko Smirnoff so he can come up with something for you.
In communist Russia, ice cream, eat you.
That's right.
What are you doing?
How come my little sign isn't on?
It's shortened out.
It was off and not on earlier.
I'll try to fix it.
Oh, because it's shorted a little bit.
Yeah, yeah.
I was pressing buttons, but it was changing the color of the UFO.
I'm a child.
You love aliens.
You love your gadgets.
Gadgets.
I'm obsessed.
Not illegal.
I'm obsessed with aliens.
I like them too.
All right.
Well, I was obsessed with alien aliens from other planets.
Yeah.
What's going on with them?
I think if Russia starts launching nukes, I think they'll probably show up.
Yeah.
Hey, aliens.
That's a wrap.
It's time.
Yeah.
You guys fucked this up.
We've been observing for too long.
We've got to step in.
They saw it the first time and they were like, well, the Japanese had it coming.
They saw the first one go off and they were like, nice.
They're closest to us.
So let it happen.
That's when there was the big uptick in UFO sightings.
That's when it all started.
What?
It was after Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Yeah.
What do you mean?
That's when all the UFO sightings started to happen.
That's Roswell, New Mexico.
That's the ones over DC.
All the big UFO sightings happened after the nuclear bombs.
What's the connection?
The thought in the conspiracy, the crazy people, like who knows what they're
really seeing,
right?
They could be all full of shit or crazy.
But the thought is that the aliens are coming to observe because they realize
we now have nuclear
weapons.
So they've decided to make a trip.
To Earth to see what these fucking crazy monkeys with nuclear weapons or
territorial, what
they're up to.
What they like having sightings at like missile silos and shit.
Not just sightings, but they shut down nuclear facilities, like nuclear weapons
facilities.
They shut them down.
They shut their computers off.
Because they're going to come out of wild shit.
I think they're basically letting you know, like, watch what we can do.
We'll just shut off all your power.
The aliens, man.
Yeah, hover over your facility, shut everything down.
But who knows if it's true?
Unless you're there.
Oh, it's true.
Unless you're there.
I mean, there's some things that I've seen, some videos that I've seen that are
fucking
wild.
Like the fighter pilot videos, or they're watching this thing move at an insane
rate of speed.
I saw that.
But other than that.
That was Tony's career.
Who knows?
It's taking off.
It's a compliment.
It's doing well.
The cattle mutilations, they never solved it.
It's complimenting Tony's career.
Cut it out.
What?
I knew you were going to come on here and be a nasty son of a bitch with your
fucking
bad suit.
You look like the diddler.
I can't believe that suit wasn't the diddler.
You look like a Jewish pedophile.
Hey kids, you want to buy some candy?
You mean a Jew?
You mean pedophile?
I can't believe that suit just fits you perfectly.
And you found it at a thrift store.
Thrift store in New Orleans.
It's perfect for you.
Oh yeah.
It's like the exact size and you're in odd shape.
You had to get that tailored.
Come on.
Zip.
I go to a tailor, not this one.
I wore it on stage in New Orleans.
I tried it off and I'm like, oh yeah, I got to do something.
Wait, what show?
A couple of years ago.
Oh, okay.
Oh, this is old.
It's like two years old.
Oh, I thought you just got it.
Right before COVID.
I had to bring something to the Comedy Story anniversary.
He actually hung on to that suit.
Oh yeah.
It cost me 60 bucks.
I'm not made of money.
That's even past what Stanhope would wear.
That's beyond.
Yeah.
Stanhope would have different pants.
He'd have pants that didn't match.
It's like a rich, quick suit.
Remember that guy, Matthew Letzko?
With the riddles?
With the riddles.
Oh, that's right.
Matthew Letzko.
What's he doing now?
Why has he not been on this podcast?
Oh yeah.
Get him on.
When are you going to stop working for the state?
He's probably rich as hell.
Get this guy on.
Probably.
I think my time for the state is almost up.
I have a couple more years I have to put in.
Him and that Asian guy on the boat.
Remember that Asian guy?
Like, you want to be rich like me?
With all the women around.
Yeah, I've got pussy for days.
Fuck, I don't remember that.
What was his name?
Oh, there he is.
Oh, there's Ari.
It's been two years with better hair.
Matthew Letzko.
Letzko.
Yeah.
Where's he today?
Free money.
There's free money out there.
You can get free money.
It's Grant's.
This guy was big.
It's Grant's.
I wrote the book on it.
Do you think he's poor now?
Oh, yeah.
No way.
I think he's got a house.
He's on fentanyl.
He's probably dead.
How long ago was this?
Yeah, let's find out.
When this infomercial came on, it was, like, exciting.
I thought about doing it.
Where is he?
Where is he, Ari?
Where do you mean?
Find him.
He's 78 years old.
He's on YouTube now.
All right, let's click on his YouTube channel.
All right, too.
Instagram.
Oh, my gosh.
Wow.
He's got an Instagram post.
Wow.
4,000 followers.
He looks rough.
Oh, he's gone trans.
Mortgage payments.
But look at this.
It also includes utility payments, homeowner insurance payments, property taxes.
What do you think?
Jewish over under.
Internet.
I think 98%.
You tell me.
So, he doesn't have any followers.
He looks like the Queen of Mean.
He's like a gay David Lynch.
Who's the Queen of Mean?
I don't remember her name anymore.
Lampanelli?
Lampanelli.
Lampanelli.
He looks a lot like Thin Lampanelli.
That's right.
She calls herself the cleaners.
Didn't she retire?
Yeah.
Lampanelli retired from the video that went around of her having a meltdown.
It was very strange.
Oh, that was bad.
What was it?
Yeah.
Somebody's heckling her, and she got real serious.
She snapped on stage.
Events center.
Not even an event center.
Like a town hall or something.
Whatever it was, she was angry.
Like, you know, where a comic crosses that line.
You're like, yeee.
I don't need this.
I don't need that shit.
The Michael Richards effect.
There's something about that line.
Like when Will Smith slapped Chris Rock, Chris Rock talked to Will Smith, and
then he went
back to the script.
Yeah.
When he went back to the script, it was like, oh, this is wild, because you're
watching one
of the best comics in the world bomb.
Because that's bomb.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He has to bomb.
With that one joke, he bombed, because he's in an impossible situation.
There's no way anyone's just going to transition to the fact that you're doing
a documentary.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, awards.
Right.
It's like, we all just saw that.
It's like if a waitress drops a tray of drinks, and you're like, and then later
at the supermarket,
I went.
Exactly.
It's like, what's wrong with you?
The thing about him, though, like, getting slapped, and literally no one does
anything.
No one does anything.
The whole room is like.
No security.
It's like a funny bone.
Staring at you.
It's terrifying.
I mean, they've had to seep in, too, though.
It's like, hey, you know how you're in Hollywood?
You're not.
That guy's in Hollywood.
Yeah, true.
You're a visitor.
You're a comic.
Yeah, we don't support you as much as we support them.
Well, they don't even support him.
They just were lost sheep without a shepherd.
Like, oh, what is happening here?
I mean, I wouldn't have done anything.
I would have been sitting there like, yo.
Holy shit.
That was crazy.
Well, how about the fact that they gave him a standing ovation later when he
went up to
talk, and he actually accepted an award after assault, and he gets a standing ovation.
And no one's even going, like, kind of sitting down, going, like, what?
No one in the crowd is going, I don't know.
No, they clap.
They're fucking sheep.
He just hopped on board.
I think if it wasn't black on black, it would have been different.
I think that makes it.
More fun.
Oh, yeah.
If it was, like, a white guy slapped Chris Rock?
Oh, my God.
No, no, no.
If they're both white.
What if Chris Pratt went up and slapped Chris Rock?
Wow.
Could you imagine?
What if it was Danny DeVito?
Could you imagine?
Yeah.
No, it would have to be someone big like Will Smith.
Will Smith's a big guy.
Oh, yeah.
If Chris Pratt did it, he's done.
Oh, my God.
No, he's definitely not getting an award later.
You've got to claim drugs.
You've got to say pills.
That's the only chance.
Turn trans.
Turn trans.
Oh, that's not bad.
You've got to go non-binary.
Yeah.
Pick up swimming.
I still think it would have been different if, first of all, Will Smith's in
the front
row and there's no stage.
He could walk.
If he had to shimmy out of, like, the fifth row, I think it would have been a
different
dynamic.
If he was like, Will Smith, come on down.
Yeah.
Then all the way down.
Even then, everybody would have thought he was doing a bit.
I thought it was a bit.
Like Chris Rock thought he was.
I thought it was a bit.
When he walked out, Chris Rock was like, oh, here it comes.
It's hard to be.
That's the only plausible explanation.
Yeah.
He didn't hit him that hard.
When you watch how he hit him, he switched legs.
So he threw a punch and actually switched legs.
So it was like he was doing a pro wrestling slap.
No.
It was Victorian.
Golf expert, weigh in.
He picked that right leg up, which is what you end up picking up.
Golf expert, bitch.
I know how to slap people.
Hey, I'll take that.
He moved this leg up.
I have a machine out back.
I will show you that you slap like a bitch.
It'll register that your technique is terrible.
When you slap somebody, if you slap someone, it's no different than punching
someone.
You want this foot to be planted.
This foot's planted, and you fucking turn into it and smack someone.
Like when you watch those guys, they stand across the table, and they KO each
other with
the slaps, and the powder goes flying.
Oh, that's crazy shit.
That is so ridiculous.
Some guys get knocked out.
Oh, my lot of guys.
Well, you're getting slapped as full blast, and if someone hits you with the
palm of their
hand, you can do something with the palm of your hand that you can't do with
your
knuckles.
Like, I could do that, and it doesn't hurt at all.
But if I did that that hard with my knuckles, it would fucking hurt.
Yeah.
Stay shut up.
I talk about this down.
Like, further down than that.
He hit him with this stuff.
He hit him with this stuff.
That's what he hit him with.
And he didn't hit him.
Watch.
Let's watch it.
His mic is right on his bow tie, too, so it sounds louder.
Let's watch it.
Watch how he does it.
Look at that.
Chris Rock.
Smile.
I'll let you take the lead.
Watch the left leg switches, and then the right leg goes forward.
Oh.
Wait.
Let's do that again.
Let me see it again.
Let me see it again.
Let me see it again.
Let me see it again.
Let me see it again.
Let me see it again.
Let me see it again.
Let me see it again.
Let me see it again.
I think I have a false memory.
And a tuxedo doesn't help.
But it's definitely not hitting him hard.
He's hitting him with the fingertips.
Watch with the impact.
Let's check the impact.
It's so dainty.
Boop.
Yeah.
See, that's where you see the little switch of the legs.
But he's hitting him with the tips of the fingers.
It's really not much.
Kevin Clancy at KFC Radio, he said that that's a Scientology thing.
That's what I heard.
They teach you how to slap to get support for yourself if you're being
embarrassed.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
You're serious.
Yeah.
Not research, but real theory.
Well, I love it.
In Scientology.
I love a good no research statement.
They teach you how to slap somebody if they give you an offense.
That is one of the things to get.
Not to punch because you don't want to get in a physical fight, but to slap.
It's humiliating.
To get your offense.
Getting slapped is humiliating.
Yeah.
So what is that?
He's given the Scientology slap.
If I was Chris Rock, I would have been like, that's a Scientology slap.
That's the theory.
Yeah.
But is this a theory by someone who had this theory before Will Smith smacked
Chris Rock?
Give it a go.
I'll hold Twitter thread about it.
Okay, look at this.
The slap is much less interesting when you realize that Will Smith almost
certainly went
through the Scientology courses that teach you to unapologetically use slaps
and physical
force to let a fellow Scientologist know they've done something wrong.
Holy shit.
How is that much less interesting?
That makes it more interesting.
Yeah.
Why does that make it much less interesting, Max Burns?
Slap is much less interesting.
There's a Scientology course, I guess you'd call it, that involves slapping,
physically humiliating
fellow Scientologists in a group setting as a means of exerting superiority.
It is remarkably common within the cult.
Wow.
Tom Cruise does a similar thing, but his preferred method is shouting and
intense personal intimidation
of movie crews.
And jumping on a couch.
Scientologists, he feels, aren't fulfilling the KSW ideology, et cetera.
It's rare that you see the physical side of it in so public a forum.
But is Smith a Scientologist?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Is he 100%?
Oh, yeah.
He's big in.
Cruise, Smith, Brooke Shields, Travolta.
Let's Google that.
I know Travolta is.
Let's Google whether Will Smith is actually a Scientologist.
Beck is?
Beck is, yeah.
Juliette Lewis is.
What?
Juliette Lewis?
She seems cool.
There's some good eggs in there.
Yeah, she's a great egg.
I love her.
The ones that are raised in it are cool.
I fucking love her.
Yeah, I like her too.
She's a badass musician.
You ever see her sing?
What?
Dude.
She's fucking incredible.
Why Will and Jada are the worst?
Oh, God.
Where is that?
That's fucking first thing that's New York Post.
That's why it has to 2021.
That's way before.
Nothing to do with this.
That's red table shit.
Philo and Jaden attempted Smith's short-lived school.
Oh, that's right.
They had a school for a while.
Widely believed to be a center of Scientology called the New Village Leadership.
Yikes.
So Hollywood's totally normal.
Everybody there is, you should definitely take the word for everything.
Yeah.
For everything.
Oh, yeah.
They're the trendsetters.
They're the reason why I'm alive.
What a garbage place.
Without, no, no.
Sorry.
What are you saying?
I take it back.
The other way.
What?
The other way.
What a great place.
I was told today that.
Why is it garbage?
It's my favorite place.
I was told today that.
I just don't feel like I'm good enough, so I had to leave.
Jaden, their open relationship was just for her.
Of course it was.
Yeah.
Will Smith has attended.
Well, he cheated a bunch, I thought.
And then that was like.
Yeah, but I believe it came out.
Oh, look at this.
Will Smith has attempted to combat Scientology claims over the years, making it
clear that
he and his wife, Jada Pinkett, are not a part of Scientology.
So fuck off, Ari.
Oh, I thought he was.
You didn't even know what you're saying.
Ari's filled with misinformation.
Max Burns.
What about Max Burns?
I was with you.
Max Burns is on heroin.
He's just making things up.
He's making things up.
Max Burns is on heroin.
He's just making things up.
He's in a fog of fentanyl.
He has no idea what he's saying.
Will Smith is a good guy and he's not a Scientologist.
Yeah.
There you go.
Yeah, Ari.
Yeah, all right.
I'll think about that.
You guys love controlling the narrative, don't you?
Oh, we love it.
And the weather.
We love it, dude.
If your wife, like, openly is, like, in a public, sort of open relationship,
that's like,
you have to be more reserved than a regular guy.
Can you imagine?
You got to be more, you got to be like, it is what it is.
Hey, dude.
You got to be that guy with everything, right?
Yeah.
You can't be like Mr. Snap at the fucking slightest.
Yeah, you have to be above everything.
Right.
Because your wife's getting fucked by other people.
Yes.
Yeah, I fucked her.
You have to be so cool.
You should be cool.
You're like, nah.
Yeah.
And ours has got alopecia.
I got alopecia, too, I guess.
I do, too.
I got it in my beard.
I don't understand why she has, like, full stubble.
Like, her head looks great.
She shaved it.
But when it's stubble, it's growing back.
There's hair.
Yeah.
Pretty little.
I think she shaves it so she can't pull it out, which is what it is.
Oh, when she gets crazy?
Yeah.
It's hard having your fucking...
Oh.
Maybe when she beats Will up, you can't grab her hair.
Yeah.
And no fighting back.
Be his ass.
I don't think the black ladies like the hair pulling.
I've had sex with a couple.
And the hair stuff didn't go well.
It's not tied in that tight.
Yeah, I tempted it.
Go careful.
Yeah, you don't want to pull a wig off.
Oh, true.
Yeah, it was braids.
Oh.
So I thought it was pull.
You feel a line around the...
So you tried some white girl shit on a black lady?
Yes.
Yeah, don't do that.
No.
Oh, okay.
Know your role.
I guess so.
Turn a Laquisha into a Becky.
Oh.
A Laquisha into a Becky.
Laquisha?
There's no other...
There's got to be a couple of Baquishas kicking around.
There's got to be a couple.
Isn't it funny that there's no other word like a Karen?
Like, Karen is like, there's no...
Like, I guess it's Chad for white guys, but it doesn't really work.
Nothing.
Karen is like locked down.
Karen, they get mad about Karen now.
That's fighting words now to them.
Yeah.
And if your fucking name is Karen, like, you've been Karen your whole life
until about six,
seven years ago, it all fell apart on you.
What if you're a black woman named Karen?
That's even weirder.
You gotta just deal with that.
At least nobody's...
Do you know any?
There's got to be a black Karen.
There's got to be a few.
Yeah.
Pull it up, J-Mo.
Yeah.
Type in black Karen.
How about famous black Karens?
Is there famous black Karens?
Jada Pinkett Smith?
Yeah.
There you go.
No, no, no, no.
His name's Jada.
Oh.
Jada.
Like in real life.
Different name.
Hmm.
What a wild fucking thing.
It's a wild thing that's so, it's so crazy that the more time goes on, the less
I can believe
it actually happened.
You know what I don't like, too?
It seems more nuts.
Yeah.
With this explanation, you see day one, it was how dare Will Smith.
There's all the People magazine, how dare Will Smith do this, you know, working
violence.
And then day two, the publicist took over.
And then it's this man fiercely defended his wife.
Like, you could just tell the publicist, we've got to spin this somehow.
But that's just telling Chris Rock under the bus even more.
Ticket prices went up 400%.
Yeah, his ticket prices went through the roof.
Yeah.
How is that possible, 400%?
That's what the headline is.
I know, I heard that.
I did the math.
Why is that hard?
Because he would have to be sold out now and be at 20% sold before.
No, dummy.
No, the price.
The price.
If he sells 100 tickets a day, now he's selling 400 tickets a day.
Tickets went up per day.
400%.
I thought you said the price went up.
Yeah.
Oh, his price went up 400%?
Price went up.
Oh, that's crazy.
He just charged five times as much?
Yeah, if a ticket was $50, now it's $450.
$250.
Oh, that's weird.
That's weird.
That's true.
So the agents get their slimy little paws all over the situation.
Ticket price went up for him.
And people are dying to see it.
Oh, I thought his ticket sales, I know his ticket sales have gone crazy.
Ticket sales per day, I could say.
I'm sure he was.
Both went up.
Ticket sales, they said he moved more tickets in a few days after the Oscars
than a whole
month.
Wow.
You know what's the best?
You know what's the best?
Him not saying anything.
We all wanted him to say something.
But him not saying anything allowed the internet to say, we'll take over for
you, dude.
Yeah.
We got this.
And it was a way worse.
He was close.
He was close.
He had that one moment where he was like, ooh, I could.
Yeah.
He even says it.
On stage?
He's like, yeah.
Right after he got slapped, he's like, it was just a joke.
He's like, shut up about my wife.
Yeah.
He goes, ooh.
But the way he said it is, it's such a crazy meltdown.
Like you see his face when his lips are quivering, leave my wife's name out of
your fucking mouth.
It's like, whoa.
Yeah.
And the weird thing, he wasn't even saying out of your, he goes out your mouth.
Like he's invoking ghetto black culture when he's being violent because that's
what he thinks
violence is.
Ghetto black.
He's playing a role.
He's playing a role of a guy who can just slap people.
I'm kind of jealous of that.
Yeah.
Like I wish I was that fucking month.
Things were coming from this marketplace, just so you know.
Oh, is that one of them things where.
They said they sold more than a match in the last month.
Oh, there you go.
We sold more tickets to see Chris Rock overnight than we did in the past month
combined.
Had increased to 411.
That's way more than 40%.
That's what's crazy.
The cheapest tickets were sold.
But is that.
Oh, resale.
It's resale.
It's all resale.
Oh, okay.
So it's not agents that got their greasy hands on it.
It's all those fucking scalpers.
They do that, man.
There's nothing you can do about that.
I hate it.
And people are like, how come it took us to $300?
I'm like, it's not even sold out.
Go to my website.
Yeah, I know, right?
Don't do that.
Yeah, there's some.
I mean, right now I'm doing Vegas soon.
So today my tickets went on presale.
And I have a presale password.
So you have to do all the registering and everything to do all that.
But still, people still buy tickets and resell them for shitloads of money.
Oh, yeah.
There's not much you can do about it.
They get idiots.
They don't even know it's not sold out.
Louis used to do a great thing at the store.
He used to make everybody pay cash and you had to line up the day of the show.
Yeah.
You can only buy two tickets at a time.
Only buy two tickets.
Four.
No surcharge.
Oh, it was four.
No fees.
And you had to pay in cash.
I mean, we, the door guys, made a lot of money off that.
Yeah.
We just bought them and like triple price.
Like, who wants them?
Really?
We know there's going to be a line.
Who wants them?
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Because we fucked up when Rob Williams came.
We realized we should have.
And then when it happened with Louis, like, I got 40 bucks on me.
They used to like get big tips to give people booths, right?
The booth was a big thing.
Not in my day.
Not in your day?
It was Kinison's day and then like five years ago.
Oh, really?
You had the dark ages.
When I was a door guy, it was like, please give me a dollar.
Right.
Nobody would give you any money for the booth.
Occasionally on weekends.
New Year's Eve was good.
You can make like a hundred bucks on New Year's Eve.
Isn't it funny how the store goes through cycles?
It always has.
It goes through these cycles.
When I was back last weekend, man, it felt like a normal weekend at the store.
It was mobbed.
Really?
It was mobbed.
Everybody was hanging out.
It was really fun.
Yeah.
Really fucking fun.
Well, that's just comedy.
Comedy goes in waves.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I guess, but the store like really goes in waves.
Yeah.
Like the store was like hot when Kinison was there.
When I came there in 94, there was fucking nobody there.
It was weird.
It was like half filled crowds.
It was dead.
We wouldn't start the show.
Oh my God.
Tuesday night, it'd be like nine o'clock show by 1030.
We'd be like, should we call it?
There's no one in here.
What year did you start?
99.
And it was bad.
It was bad.
It was bad until like 2002.
It was starting to get better in the 90s.
Then it was okay.
A little bit.
And then 2002, it was getting pretty good.
Then 2003 and 2004, it really got rocking.
It was still so-so.
No, it was rocking 2004 or five.
Yeah.
And up until 2007, then I got banned.
And then, but the real comeback was 2014 when you did your special and then I
came back and
then Diaz came back and then Duncan and everybody came back.
And then it was-
Shortly after.
Then it was mobbed every night.
Shortly after.
Or maybe right before.
No, shortly after eBay took over.
eBay took over.
Oh, Adam.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then it was like-
He was up before that though.
He's one of the guys who got me there.
Because he came to the improv when I was headlining at the improv.
He goes, wow, we'd really like to have you back at the store.
Yeah.
I was like, fuck Tommy.
But Tommy was still there.
He was like, Tommy's fired.
Like, oh.
Yeah.
And I was like, oh.
And then Ari was doing his special.
Tommy was still there when he did my special, wasn't he?
No.
I thought he was still there.
He was gone, buddy.
Damn, I don't remember that at all.
He was gone, 100%.
Yeah, okay.
Because I came after.
After that.
That.
I came after he'd been fired.
And then it was just game on.
That's when it blew up.
Because that's when it was just like, holy shit.
You think that was podcasting?
100%.
100%.
We always talked about it when we were doing a podcast from his fucking living
room.
You know?
We'd always talk about crazy stories in the store.
We built it up when I was gone.
And it was like, what is this place?
Yeah.
Yeah, when he wasn't even there.
It was like-
We built it up when I wasn't even going there.
And then when I came back, it just exploded.
Nice.
We'd have stories of like Brett Ernst and stuff.
Yeah.
And people are like, who are these mythical people?
Who are these people?
And then they would go show up.
It's like Louis doing his intro from the cellar.
People are like, I guess that's the place to go.
Right.
You know?
But way more so with this.
Because it's constant stories.
Yeah.
The thing about the internet is, man, when people find out about a cool place
like that.
And they go and actually have the experience.
And they tell their friends like, oh my god, we saw this guy and that guy.
And Sebastian and fucking Santino.
It's just like, it's having a place that you could go where you're going to
have a good time.
You're going to have a good time.
How about fucking last night?
What a goddamn lineup.
Hell of a shit.
Hans Kim, Ron White, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me.
Chaos.
Yeah, it was a good one.
Hot crowd, too.
That was fucking crowd was amazing.
What'd you do?
Two hours?
Three and a half?
Hour and 40 minutes.
Oh, shit.
The Q&A is my favorite part.
The Q&A, he'll get fucked up.
I don't remember those days.
And people will ask a question.
Sometimes it goes well.
But every once in a while, I'll be like, what kind of question is that?
He's like, ask anything.
You can literally watch someone just get their whole world shattered.
I'm here to see Joe Rogan.
This is going to be so cool.
It's like, what's your favorite ice cream?
Yeah, you're like, shut up, pussy.
I'll fuck your mother.
And he's like, ugh.
I was told that you wanted questions.
I didn't know we could do that.
No, you didn't say that.
You didn't say that.
I've done Q&As.
I just assume you have to answer everything.
I didn't know you could go, oh, that's dumb.
Yeah, you've got to say that's dumb.
Come on, give me a better question.
You've got to mock their questions.
We used to have two speakers, two microphones in the aisles.
Oh, yeah.
Remember those?
At the end of your show, people were like, come on up and ask questions.
And it was just like, 50% of them was like, what did you think of this one
fight?
I can't have that.
God.
The problem with even the stand-up on the spot thing is too many people have
their hands up,
too many people are yelling, and they're not paying attention.
They do a show out here called The Rift, and it's a better setup.
And what they do is they have a wheel.
And the audience gets to write a topic on the card, on a card.
Ahead of time.
And then they just peg them to the wheel, and you spin the wheel.
And it lands on one, and I've done that before, Creak in the Cave.
It's way better, because no one's yelling out things in the audience.
Like, that version of it is the way you should do that kind of an improvisation
show.
Because you can come up with bits on those shows where you don't ever do
material.
That's great.
It's great.
The problem is that people get too yelly and lift their hands up, and then they're
not.
Like, the thing last night.
Like, I'm in the middle of answering one question, and guys are going, Joe, Joe.
I'm in the middle of talking.
Of course.
Oh, that's what you used to do on the road.
You're like, guys, the only way this works is you have to wait until I'm done,
and I'll
say any more questions, and then...
You can't interrupt.
But people are drunk.
People are drunk.
Yeah.
And the comic is too.
They're having fun.
Remember that show, Set List?
Yeah.
It was a fun idea, but the suggestions weren't great.
They went too far.
It was like, placenta smoothie.
You're like, no, just say abortion.
I'll get to talk about that.
Yeah, but this is stupid.
This is like a non-thing.
I don't even know what these words are.
Yeah.
You're trying to be funny.
It's like writers came up with the topic.
Yeah, it sucks.
You want the audience to come up with the topic, because you'll be stunned
occasionally.
That sucks.
Yeah.
But what you need is you need the audience to come up with the topic, and you
know, you
go through the cards.
So, like, does your mom know you're gay?
Throw that one out.
You know what I mean?
Right.
You know what I mean?
Like, you got to find the ones.
I was drunk when I wrote that.
Yeah, that's a good one.
That's a good question.
Those you got to throw out.
She suspects.
Those you got to throw out.
What's your favorite flavor, cock?
I bring the same friend over for Christmas every year, but.
Hey.
Yeah, but I think that that's the best way to do it, is have the audience write
a suggestion
down on a card.
Have someone go through the cards, take out the preposterous ones, and then put
all the cards
in, like, a wheel.
Spin the wheel.
Crank it.
And then you get what you get.
That's what I want to do.
Because you can take away one of those nights.
I'm going to have a night like that at the new club.
But have a wheel.
By the way, good questions you can keep for next time.
Yeah.
If we didn't get to them, it's still a good question, leave it in there.
Yeah, if you have, like, a stack of questions, you don't even need the audience.
I've tried to do the Q&A thing sometimes.
I do it.
I try, because I've got to get new material and shit.
I'm like, all right, let's see how this goes.
And if that goes bad, that sucks.
But every now and then, you get a gem.
If you do five or six of those Q&As in a row, for me, one of them, like, last
night I have a gem.
And I've got to go over the recordings and listen to it.
But there was one where I was in the middle of it, and I was like, holy shit.
Yeah, you found one.
This is a real premise.
Right.
Like, this is fun.
And people were laughing like it was a bit.
I was like, this is a premise.
And the more you do it, the better at it you get.
Yeah, you get better.
And then by the fifth night, you're just zinging and zanging.
Yeah, I've done it a couple times where, like, I ended strong, like, a closer,
killed, and then I was like, hey, you know what?
I'm going to hang out.
You guys got any questions?
Right.
And people were just like, wait, where's Matt?
Right.
It's like, people just yell.
Do Trump taking a shit?
What about Trump?
Do Trump Hitler?
It's better in the check drop section, and then you end with your fucking last
bit.
That's not a bad move, right?
You used to do that with that wolf.
That's not bad.
Someone with the wolf bit.
But you, like, save it until after that shit.
It's hard to follow a Q&A because it gets kind of amped up, and then you go
back to, like, Uber's weird, you know, and it's kind of a drop.
And the problem is people got their hands up while you're doing Uber's weird.
They don't want to take hands.
It's still going.
Hey, hey, hey.
Yeah.
How do you guys write?
Like, how do you write, Shane?
I don't.
I just do podcasts.
Podcast helps.
Talking.
If I can make Matt laugh, it's, I'm like, all right, that's good.
I think the best at that, the fucking riff, like, just riffing, is Tim.
Tim Dillon's the fucking, he's the king.
Tim and Burr both do life.
Burr's great, but Burr, a lot of times, Burr gets serious about stuff, and he'll
complain.
It's great.
Tim stays ridiculous.
It's amazing how Burr comes up with material.
He turns over material so well.
So fast.
And part of it is because he has that rant muscle.
And he sits for an hour every week.
Two times a week.
Two times a week.
Monday and Thursday.
Yeah, that's what I mean.
But Dylan is consistently hilarious doing it.
And, like, he doesn't, even when he gets serious, he's serious for, like, ten
seconds,
and then he says something ridiculous.
He'll stay funny.
Even if he has to make a serious point that he wants out, he'll stay funny
while he's
doing it.
And he has good takes.
You're like, oh, that's a good point.
I never thought of it that way.
And it's funny.
He's the master of that form.
And also, he's got his buddy, Ben, who's his-
Who laughs.
Who's his-
What's her name?
Producer, but he's-
No, what's her name from Stern?
Robin Quirish.
Robin Quirish.
It's the habit.
Yeah, it's great.
It's better because it's, like, he doesn't chime in much.
He's just a one-person fan who's, like, laughing at everything.
And then Tim's wearing fucking cop aviators.
And he seems like he's high as fuck, but he's sober.
Yeah, and gay.
Yeah, he's high off semen.
People, a lot of people don't believe he's gay.
He's got all that semen.
I don't believe he's gay.
My wife doesn't believe he's gay.
Oh, he's gay.
It's like, there's nothing about him that seems gay.
Never seen it.
Oh, he's a-
I'll tell you, there's something about him that seems gay.
What?
He fucks guys.
Oh.
Sometimes he fucks guys in their butts.
That'll do it.
That'll do it.
Are you sure he does that, or maybe he just fucks their mouths?
True.
I think he takes it.
I think he's-
Oh, really?
Oh, yeah.
I thought, like, twinks.
Those loud guys always take it.
How do you know?
My dad.
Did your dad have butt-sexual guys?
I don't know, I'm assuming.
He's, you know, hippie from the 60s.
He's of that age.
They tried it.
They all tried it.
Apparently, that was, like, the thing during, like, the rock and roll era.
Like, they said that Mick Jagger and David Bowie were found in bed together by
Mick Jagger's wife.
Mooney and Connor.
They run through all the pussies.
You get bored.
Yeah.
It's like Gerbil with Richard Gere.
Well, I think there was also, like, people were-
Oh, come on.
True.
He's a Scientologist, that Gerbil.
That Gerbil story was because of Scientology.
Wait, did we talk about it last time we did?
Oh, really?
Yeah, he left Scientology.
When he left Scientology, they smeared him.
They revealed the truth.
They got a rough one on him.
That's what they threaten you with.
Hey, we know your secret.
If you leave, we'll out you.
Tell everybody.
Can you imagine if that's what you're looking forward to all day?
You're at work, you know, doing data collection.
You just can't wait to get that Gerbil up your ass one day.
That Gerbil's just on the wheel back home.
Has no idea what's coming, dude.
I know.
Getting out of the time of his life.
You're going to go in an asshole, though.
You got a vat of lube.
You're going to just dunk him in that lube.
And you got to declaw it, let's be honest.
You don't want a lot of this shit.
You tape him up.
You tape him up.
Oh, you tape him up?
Yeah, you tape him.
You tape your butthole closed?
Yeah, you tape his little mouth.
Oh.
You tape his little feet.
You shove him in there and have him wiggle around.
The taping part's got to be kind of adorable, though.
Getting his little arms together.
Yeah, just get him.
It's like a hostage.
You got to declaw it.
It's horrible.
It's like you're kidnapping him.
I never even thought of that.
You tape him.
You got to tape.
Because they'll burrow.
Yeah, otherwise they'll kill you.
They're natural burrowers.
How do you think you get him in your ass?
You think you shove a habitrail in there first, open it up nice, and then just
blow him through?
I think you put a treat in there and let him do that job.
Your lover gets on the other end like a blow dart.
Yeah.
And shoots that dribble right in your asshole.
I wonder if it's one of those things you stick a tube in your butt and it goes
towards the heat.
Maybe.
It could be one of those.
Like a missile.
I think it just moves around.
It's duct taped.
Is that a real thing?
Are you sure they're taped?
How does it move?
How does it make it all this up?
It can't move if it's taped.
It needs the legs.
That makes sense.
Yeah, otherwise it would have to be declawed.
Is it a real thing?
Do people do it?
That's a good question.
Forget gear.
Is it a thing that's done?
Yes.
Jamie, there's got to be some videos.
Yeah, that's a good question.
Jada Pinkett does it.
This guy's got a trouble in his ass?
What is happening here?
Oh, these guys do a crack out of each other's ass.
I can't watch this.
Oh, he's boofing him with the crack.
He's boofing him.
He's hit him in his butt.
He's going to shoot the crack in his ass?
Jar of piss on the floor, too.
I love they always have the fucking hospital band still on.
Yeah.
That's that old junkie, too, man.
That guy's had time.
Oh, Jesus.
You let it all go, you junkie.
Oh, he's blowing it right into his asshole.
The new Cheech and Chong's nuts.
I hope he farts it out.
He's digging in that guy's asshole in his face.
I saw a video I sent this.
Look at him breathing heavy.
Look at the guy on the right.
Replay that, please.
The guy, just back it up.
Look at the guy who's taking the crack in his ass.
Look how excited he is.
Look at his breath.
Oh, he's anally-haling.
He's exhaling it.
He's, yeah.
That's his first fun time all day.
We've got to try that today.
That's going to feel so good, dude.
What a good bonding experience.
Getting crack in your ass?
Oh, yeah.
It must be the best.
It's definitely a bonding experience.
Because crack in your mouth is good.
So in your ass, it must be unbelievable.
Has anybody here ever tried crack?
No.
Coke, sure, but no crack.
It's got to be the same.
That's what Carl Hart says.
Diaz said he did crack for six months once.
And they're like, why?
He's like, because the Coke deal was out of my way
and the crack deal was on the way home from the store.
It's just easier.
It's easier.
Yeah.
He goes, I didn't have to make a left on Schrader.
Now that Joey's, like, not doing any hard drugs,
that he just smokes weed, like, he'll talk to you.
He'll take a pill once in a while.
Oh, yeah.
He still has fun.
But he's not doing, like, whatever he was doing
when we were worried.
Right, right, right, right.
You know, there was those days.
When he disappeared.
When he had those weird.
To go meet a guy with a package.
Yeah, he would just, weird moments where he just vanished.
He would just, there was times where you just wondered,
like, is he going to be alive tomorrow?
Like, you know, when are we going to see him again?
You know, there was moments where Joey,
until his career started going well.
He just quit?
Yeah.
Quick Coke?
Yeah.
Damn.
And his career started taking off.
And there was something,
something came along with the internet
where people started to realize who Joey Diaz was.
He could find his audience, too.
Yeah.
And they could find him.
You're not going to get a Joey Diaz
off of fucking Evening at the Improv.
You're never going to understand him.
They tried.
Every one of his tape sets was like,
what the fuck?
It's just so much darker and dirtier
than anything you've ever seen on, like, film.
Well, when he did This Is Not Happening,
that's when you got a chance to see the real him.
Yeah.
If Comedy Central had any fucking brains,
they'd rehire you and do that show again.
It's over.
Let it go.
I like Roy Wood.
Let it go.
Roy Wood's great.
I love Roy Wood.
Roy Wood's fucking great.
He's a beast.
I love that dude.
I love him.
He's a hilarious comedy director.
He's my favorite host.
Yeah.
And he was one of those guys
where him taking over Ari's,
he is.
Him taking over Ari's gig was like,
okay.
No, he called me for permission.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's a good guy.
And I said, go for it.
We've got to save these jokes.
Yeah, he is the man.
He's the man.
And he was nice to me, like,
before I did anything.
He was nice to you after that stuff.
And he's like,
he was like,
Asians suck, dude.
Come on, let's hang out.
No, no, I'm not saying get canceled.
I'm saying he was nice.
Like, the first time I met him,
I was like, with Soder at Sal's house
for the Super Bowl thing.
And he was there,
and he was like,
hey, he was the only one.
Yeah, he's cool.
He was doing morning radio,
and he would drive like five hours,
do a gig,
and then five hours back
and do radio in the morning.
Like, wild shit.
Crazy shit.
He kills so hard.
He's so hard.
He's cool because, like,
Andre Agassi,
they taught him how to hit hard,
and they taught him how to aim.
Roy Wood came as a fucking
killer road comic,
and then came to New York,
and he was like,
I'm already a destruction guy.
And now, let me, like,
show you what I can do
in New York, too.
Show, yeah.
You know?
Creative side.
Yeah, he's great.
Too bad he's the best.
And also, he's such a good host.
That's what I love about him.
Damn it.
Great host.
I was, did you?
It's my show.
It's my show.
That was the original host.
It's my show.
There was Craig Kilbourne
before Jon Stewart,
and Jon Stewart was better.
Yeah, this is how it works.
Oh, good point.
Right?
Am I right?
You're Will Smith.
Jack Parr can't.
He's August whatever.
Jack Parr can't fuck with Carson.
Right?
Jack Parr can't fuck with Carson.
Nobody remembers Jack Parr.
You're Kilbourne, baby.
Yeah.
And then Steve Allen was before,
like, in the mix.
P.U.
I'm drinking here.
Hey, easy.
Steve Allen was in the mix
with Jack Parr.
We will get that show going again.
Just independently.
Who owns the name?
Who owns the name?
I was trying to get it back from them,
but we could just change it to,
like, Shane and I were talking
with you the other day.
This is still happening.
Oh, that's good.
Perfect.
Yeah.
That's perfect.
They're going to sue you.
No.
They'll sue you for that.
It's not necessarily their name
or my name.
It's like, they license a show,
so it's a gray area
on who has a name.
You need better lawyers.
If they're cool,
they should fucking just give it to me.
You need better lawyers.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But this is not happening
is a great name.
Call the whole gang.
This is not happening
is a great name.
Solid name for sure.
Solid name.
One of the best owns ever
was when your special
was coming out
and Stern was shitting on you.
Oh, yes.
And you did that video.
I've never heard of this guy.
You did that video
with you standing in front
of a billboard
on Sunset
with your fucking face.
Ari Shafir's
stand-up comedy special.
The way you owned him
and it's like,
that's on you.
The way you owned him
was a master class.
Who was this?
Stern.
That was an early
Jamie creation.
Jamie has nothing
to do with that.
No, not true.
I mean, yeah.
Stern shit on Ari.
Stern shit on Ari
for a full half an hour.
Why?
Because Ari shit on Stern
on my show.
You never saw that?
He said he loved
American Sniper
and I was like,
fuck him.
Him and Clint Eastwood
just stuck each other's
wrinkled dicks
in their old man camps.
They're totally lost.
Dude, it's crazy
how you do that
and then someone's like,
what?
I'm so mad.
No, worse.
Worse.
He spent a whole half hour
talking shit about
Ari being a loser
and he's got nothing
going on.
He's got no career.
A podcast.
And then Ari
does this brilliant video
where he says,
it's such an honor
that you even know
who I am,
but just...
Mr. Stern.
I can call him Mr. Stern.
I know you're older,
so go into your...
What do you use?
Netflix Navigator?
What is it?
Netscape Navigator?
Here's how you can search
who he's on the cursor.
You're making fun
of people's age?
So he does a video.
That was a long time ago.
He does a video
where he searches
his own name
and he's like,
look, look at all these things.
Ari Shaffir.
Look at this.
Oh, look.
I got a special coming
out of Comedy Central
this weekend.
And here's me
in front of a billboard.
So it's him on...
It was fucking magnificent.
That's Ari right there.
Dude, look at this.
It's fucking magnificent.
Wow, that was when
Ari had a career.
It was...
It was a magnificent own.
Because that billboard
was right down the street
from the store
at Pink Dot.
So we drove by it
all the time.
That was a big win for us.
To see Ari's face
on that billboard...
A Sunset Loser
having a billboard on Sunset.
That was a big win, dude.
Can we get Roy Wood's face
on there now?
Literally,
what you don't know
is just under my underarm,
just over the window sign
is my apartment.
Oh, really?
Is my bathroom window.
Yes.
Right there.
Right there.
What a time to be alive.
To have a billboard
on Sunset Boulevard...
When Netflix put out
Strange Times...
When I did Strange Times,
they put out a bunch
of billboards...
On that one?
...and it was cool.
But there was one of them
right on Sunset,
right near Carney's.
And it was like,
driving to work...
I would drive from Sunset
just so I could see it.
I would drive that way
from the 405.
I would go from the 405
just so I could see the billboard.
Like, that...
That's a win.
It is.
So when you got that,
that was a win for us.
We were looking at that
like, fuck yeah.
That's awesome.
Ari's got a billboard
on fucking Sunset
right next to the store.
From door guy to that.
Yeah, it was cool.
That's cool.
It was cool.
Fuck yeah, it was cool.
It was like, hey, all right.
Because also,
Comedy Central never took any of us.
No.
The store was full of losers,
so it was like...
Exactly.
Having that was like
this underdog win.
How did you get it
through to them?
Because they don't buy anything.
I'll tell you how.
They helped each other out.
He built it up
step at a time.
Ari started that fucking thing
off in the lab
at the old lab
in the improv,
the little tiny room.
Oh yeah.
Back when it was a good setup
before they ruined it.
40%...
Yeah, no bar in there.
Just a black box theater.
They fucked that up.
The old setup was so much better.
Yeah.
The new setup is like,
it's too busy.
It's like,
too close to the front door.
People going through it.
People going through it
to get to the other room.
Not good.
But the old setup was amazing
because it was really
like a little lab.
You did it in there
a couple times, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did your show there.
I did stand-up shows there.
It was a great little room.
The new room is death.
It's weird.
Everybody bombs in there
but Damon Wayans.
I see Damon Wayans
killing it.
Junior?
No, the big one.
Older.
Older.
Older.
He works out his stuff.
You know, Damon Wayans
has recorded every fucking set
he's done since the 90s.
He sets up a tripod
with an HD.
He's got a camera like this.
And he edits them himself.
And he goes over
all of his sets.
Jeez, well where's the next special?
What's he waiting for?
That's a good question.
He's getting that TV money.
He was a legit stand-up
for a while.
Yeah, he was great.
When he came in
to work out at the store
he would do this thing
where he'd like
do really boring
hacking material
for five minutes
until the crowd
lost faith in him
and then he would
start what he's working on
so you don't give him
the fucking freebie
as a famous person.
Right.
He would intentionally do bad.
Really?
Yeah, just to like
okay, you guys are
don't trust me anymore?
Cool, here's what
I'm actually working on.
I definitely saw him
he definitely fucked around
a lot
and like let himself
get into holes
where he wasn't getting
any laughs for a while
and they would dig himself
out of holes
and then sometimes
just murder
and then come back
but he was working on material.
I mean he was really
genuinely working.
Why does he have
any special?
Damon, you're a great comic.
He did that show
that ABC show
and I think he made
a lot of money
and he got in that
whole family comedy
situation
where you know
you show up
you get those big checks.
You can't just start up
stand-up again too.
No, he's still doing stand-up.
Oh, he is?
He's still doing stand-up.
Do it, dude.
Yeah.
I think in this day and age
that's why Steve Harvey
doesn't do specials.
Steve Harvey doesn't do
stand-up anymore
because he's worried
about getting canceled.
Oh, right.
Yeah, because all these guys
had wild material
and then they have
these shows
where they're making
Steve Harvey's making
a fucking billion dollars.
Dude, Steve Harvey
has that one
he's like
you're lucky
I'm not in Iraq
I'd be fucking
shooting everybody.
Oh, yeah.
It's so crazy.
Oh, my God.
He's like
I'm not going there
I'd be like
get that little kid
out of here
you should be wearing
that fucking
burka
like crazy shit.
Yeah, him on
Family Feud
is ridiculous.
He's hilarious.
Oh, you know
comics are doing that.
We've got to get
a group going.
Moshe Kasher
did it with Natasha
and a couple other people.
Going what?
He's like
hey, dude
you can get a family
quote-unquote
the three of us
Lewis
and just go in there
and just be a family
and just
yeah, Moshe goes
Moshe, what's your answer?
He goes
will you be on my podcast?
Just like having fun.
Moshe's funny.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's funny.
Oh, man
that's a great idea.
Fast money.
Yeah.
That's all me.
Just get paid
free trip to LA.
You're good at that stuff.
And it's fun.
Oh, yeah
I've played that for years at home.
You're true.
You are quick.
Thank you.
Autism.
Yeah.
One word quick.
How much of that you got?
Autism.
How much of that you got?
I think I'm pretty good
like 40.
40%?
I'd say.
Really?
Yeah.
What makes a person
40% autistic
as opposed to
like a regular person
like myself?
I think you have
a little more
emotional intelligence.
So what do you do
that like you go
I'll tell you
here.
Let me give you
two great
Norman autism.
When we went
on that ski trip
we're getting on the lift
he's wearing a
fucking Dirk Nowitzki
jersey
and this guy
trying to be friendly
with his family
while we're about
to get on the lift
he's like
oh I thought
Dirk was a lot
taller than that
and Norman just goes
yeah I'm gay
and the lift
is just some guy
standing there
with his family
like who the fuck
was that guy?
He panicked.
I didn't know
what to say.
He didn't know
what to say.
That's the fault.
That's the fault.
Yes.
And then we're
on the plane
on the way here
and he's like
can I get a whiskey?
And he pulls his mask down
and goes
to the lady.
And this tortoise
she's laughing.
It's funny.
It's funny
but I'm sitting next to him
like what the fuck
are you doing?
Did she know
who you are?
No.
No.
It feels weird
to end a sentence
so I need some button.
It's too much awkwardness
so I panic.
Right.
That's why
I don't look at you
in the eye.
That's why
the sunglasses are on
right now.
Yeah it helps.
My autism results
in me bringing up
Joe List on
This is Not Happening
and be like
one of my best friends
and you're
eh.
No actually
he's a good friend
of mine.
He's a good friend of mine.
But I wouldn't say
Joe just because I'm like
why would you include
any of that?
What was that?
He's just autism.
It's funny though
for me to be
calling you autistic
I was literally
playing like a
Civil War simulator
on my laptop.
He had a laptop
with an RPG going
this giant of a man.
You play a Civil War
simulator?
The South shall rise again.
And this thing was dense.
I mean he's got
money.
Let's be honest
about anybody
who's recreating
the Civil War
they're not trying
to recreate the same ending.
Oh I am dude.
You want the North
to win.
I love the North.
But most people
those Civil War reenactors
How could the South
have done it?
Hey we won.
We won didn't we?
The South?
Who's we?
The South.
You're in New Orleans.
In what?
I'm Louisiana.
In what?
In what?
Didn't we win
the first battle?
Oh yes.
You were winning.
No you won a lot.
Okay.
What was the first battle?
The first Manassas
or bull run.
Thank you.
Yeah you guys got
a big victory.
It was a union skedaddle
they got out of there.
Oh that's a good album title.
That was the one
where like it was
outside of Washington
so a bunch of like
senators
they thought it was
going to be fun.
They showed up.
the picnic baskets
sat on the hill
drinking
and watched the battle.
Didn't they used to
watch on the hill
in those days?
And then it ended up
being that was like
technically some people
say it was like
the first modern war
so like they started
hitting them with
like rifled bullets
and they were like
oh shit this isn't
like what it used to be.
Oh because you weren't
using muskets?
No it just shit
got very serious
artillery was heavy
it was like
and there was just a
yeah it was a blood battle.
We'll rise again.
I'm against slavery.
And then the guys
retreated through
all the picnics.
For the record.
Yeah.
Yeah like dudes
covered in blood
with like their arm
hanging off
we're running
through the picnics
and there's ladies
in those dresses
we're like
have some class.
What's crazy about
the civil war
is that the border
between the north
and the south
is like a literal
border.
Like you could
walk across it.
so how many murders
occurred after the civil war?
What do you mean
murders?
Murders.
Where the war was over
but people knew
that you shot my daddy
and you shot my brother.
Oh a lot.
How many?
A lot.
A lot of murders.
Yeah some guys kept fighting.
I mean the Klan started
all this stuff.
The Klan started
after the civil war?
But that was in the north.
The Klan started after
because the Klan started
in Illinois?
Might have been Indiana.
Indiana.
Yeah.
The Klan started in Indiana?
Give it a goog.
Two weeks ago.
Yeah Forrest Gump's
named after the guy.
What?
Benjamin Buford Forrest.
Oh that's right.
Forrest Gump in the movie
he's like
maybe he started something
where they dressed up
like ghosts or something.
Yeah and lit
crosses on fire.
That's so funny.
I haven't seen that movie
in forever.
It's so good.
Here it goes.
Hey fire this up.
1865 right
at the end of the
second civil war.
Wow.
Second Klan?
What does that mean?
Change it.
Go back to the crackhead
of the angle.
There were like three
different ones.
Third Klan.
Wow.
What do you think
there's realistic
like 2,000 Klan members
now?
Yeah.
Circa around
5,000 to 8,000.
And the media
makes it into this
it's happening
every day everywhere.
I don't think
it's that many.
3 million to 6 billion
peaked in 1924 to 1925.
Yeah they were fired up.
Wow.
In 24 to 25
there were 6 million
Klan members?
I think that was
what's it called
birth of a nation
that moved birth of a nation.
Everybody got fired up
and these guys are cool.
You know what's crazy
is how many people
were here then?
That's what's crazy.
It wasn't 300 million
shit.
Right?
That's a good point.
3 to 6 million
in the 20s is like
crazy.
Let's imagine.
Probably 50, 60 million.
But how many black
people were there?
That's not even enough
black people to hate.
They were after
at that point
they were after
like Catholics
and Jews and shit
also.
Catholics?
Yeah they hated Catholics.
Back then they were like
black people know
what their place is
but these Jews
are owning properties.
So you guys do get
a little rowdy.
Let's take a guess.
Yeah you guys.
At the highest.
It's gonna get written up.
Pull back there.
It's gonna get written up.
If it's the highest number.
About three lights away
from letting that one go.
Bring it on.
If it's 6,000
if it's 6 million
excuse me 6 million
what do you think
let's guess
That's a myth.
What do you think
the population
of the United States
was in 25?
In 1925?
83 million.
I bet it was
that's a pretty good guess.
I'd say 60 mil.
60.
So that's 10%?
Yeah I bet.
Off our guess.
Can you imagine
if 10% of the people
in the United States
were in a Klan?
Is that real?
That's what the media says.
Let's guess.
You think it's 60 million?
I bet it's 100.
Some of these guys
should want it to come out.
What do you get?
Well let's go one at a time.
How many people?
83 million
147,000.
Okay.
60 mil.
Is it close without going over?
60?
I'm going 60 as well.
I'm gonna say 100.
I'm gonna say 100 million.
I think it's 25.
It might be like 30 and 80
we're all gonna be fucked.
115.
Wow.
Joe got it.
Joe got it.
The Native Americans
were still alive.
That's why.
So 6 million
out of 115.
Yeah, that's about 5%.
That's a lot.
That is wild.
That's a tithe of clans.
From 6 million to 8,000,
we're doing a good job.
Nice job.
They're going like Catholics.
Nobody's joining up.
What?
You guys ever heard of that guy,
Daryl Davis?
Uh-oh.
I've had him on my podcast
a couple of times.
He's personally converted
over 200 clan members
and neo-Nazis.
Just by being a cool guy.
They just weren't friends.
Yes!
Oh, he's a big guy, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's good.
A blues singer.
Oh, yeah.
And he would do these gigs
and he sat down with this guy
and he was having a drink
when the guy was like,
I never sat down with a black man
and had a drink before.
He thought he was joking around.
He's like, what?
And he goes, yeah,
I'm in the clan.
He thought it was like a joke.
He goes, no, I'm serious.
And he pulls out his ID card.
His clan ID?
Yes.
Oh, I gotta get one of those.
Shit like a triangle.
Daryl becomes friends with this guy.
When they ask for your fucking vaccine,
be like, oh, wrong card.
Daryl becomes friends with this guy
and he converts him.
The guy hands him
his fucking Grand Wizard outfit.
He goes, I can't wear this anymore.
Now that I'm friends with you,
I know this is bullshit.
He goes, it's bullshit.
I know it's bullshit.
That's really all it takes
is meeting one.
By the way,
that's exactly what the first thing
they got, second thing
they got Jordan Peterson on.
What?
The association with the alt-right.
And he was like,
no, I'm trying to get him to be cool.
Right.
And they're like,
why are you talking to them?
He's like, to get him back.
Well, he was joking around
about the whole frog thing.
He thought the frog thing was funny.
It was.
It's a 4chan thing.
It was funny.
No.
It was funny.
It's a meaningless symbol
that they said,
let's just pretend
that the right takes it.
And the right did take it
and the left got mad
and now 4chan is sitting back
going, it doesn't mean anything.
Have you seen the guy
who created the frog?
He's so fucking,
he's beside himself.
He doesn't know what to do.
Oh yeah, the cartoonist?
So he tried to kill off the frog
and everybody's like,
nah, we're going to keep him
or we're going to give him
a Nazi hat.
You saw the QAnon doc.
Yes.
There's a doc on the frog guy.
Just the frog guy.
Oh, he hated it.
He's like,
that's not my message.
His frog was like crying.
Like, feels bad, man.
Yeah.
You know,
that was his frog.
It was like,
silly thing.
And that meme
took over during
the Trump administration.
Damn.
Maybe before.
It was right,
it was the build-up.
It was the election.
Yeah, it was when Milo
was still on Twitter.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Milo was the
pinnacle of Twitter.
Do you think Elon Musk
brings Milo
and Trump back?
I would hope he does.
At least Milo.
And Trump too.
They're so fun.
Give him another chance.
Give him another chance.
It's so fun.
That guy sucks.
Let him tweet, dude.
Milo sucks.
Yeah, right?
No.
Milo's the best.
He just gets people riled up.
He doesn't care about any of it.
Yeah, but is it,
I don't know him at all.
I've never really,
I don't,
I've watched his old stuff
when he was like,
in the news.
Really angering people?
Yeah.
I liked him when he would
go to a college
and be like,
He's a provocateur.
It was funny.
He's a very smart guy,
very articulate guy,
very well-read guy
who's a provocateur.
And nice,
and cool,
in real life he is,
but his business was made
on talking shit
and making people upset with him
and saying outrageous things
and getting a lot of attention.
The one clip he had
where somebody,
he's in this panel,
he's young,
he's got this blonde,
bleached blonde hair,
and some lady's like,
you can't,
you're not a woman,
you can't talk on women's issues.
And then he waits,
he waits,
and then he talks about men
and she interrupts and goes,
hey, Missy?
Pretty much goes,
we're talking about men right now,
so uh-uh,
you don't get the voice in here,
right?
And then she's just so fucking livid.
He was in,
he was prime,
prime troll.
He was a contrarian.
They took it away.
The problem was he was too effective
and he was one of the first guys
that Twitter banned
and they banned him
under this pretense
that he was having people,
there's people that are
going after Leslie Jones
and you see they,
I tried to press them
when they were on the podcast,
but they wouldn't admit to this,
but they were saying essentially
that he had more than one account
under his name,
but he worked for Daily Wire
at the time, right?
Was it Daily Wire?
No.
I don't remember.
Was it,
what was it?
Breitbart?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Breitbart.
Breitbart.
But he,
you know,
there's probably other employees
from that same office
that shared that IP address
that were also logging on,
but they tried to attribute,
they were saying
that he had multiple accounts.
They were using excuse
to get rid of him.
Maybe.
I don't know.
It's hard to say.
I mean, yeah.
But when I pressed them
on the show,
they were fucking,
they were like,
doing legalese calculations
in their head
as to what they would say.
How do we justify this one?
The reality is
we just didn't like him.
I wonder why they have
to even worry about legalese.
It's their company.
Yeah.
They can get sued.
Elon's now.
They're getting sued
left and right
by a bunch of people.
Yeah, I'm sure Trump.
Multiple people
are in the process
of suing them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm talking about Twitter.
I would imagine
he is suing Hillary.
Really?
Is he really?
For what?
I don't know.
He should have put her in jail
when he said he was gonna.
That would have been funny shit.
Dude, if he would have locked her up.
President, I'll lock you up.
I was like, dude, that's so funny.
As a non-political guy,
that would have been
hella fun for me.
There's a video.
There's a video.
They did like a correspondence thing.
Suze Hillary Clinton
over 2016 Russian collusion allegations.
For sure.
Yeah, well.
She started it.
It was not true.
Not only did they start it,
but they were actually
actively spying on him
during the time.
And they hired people
to infiltrate his servers.
They're making him likable.
They're making him very likable.
He's gonna run again.
The suit alleges racketeering
and a conspiracy
to commit injurious falsehood
amongst other claims.
Clinton representative
did not respond
to request for comment.
Suit seeks compensatory
and punitive damages.
Trump said he was
forced to incur expenses
in an amount
to be determined at trial,
but known to be
in excess of $24 million
and continuing to accrue
in the form of defense costs,
legal fees,
and related expenses.
I would love that.
What if he wins?
What if he's so funny?
I hope he doesn't.
There's a lot of evidence.
It's going to be too much fighting.
We already got fighting.
There's a lot of evidence.
Good point.
There's a lot of evidence
that they colluded against him.
There's a lot of evidence
that they spied on him.
A lot of the shit
that he was saying
that was a wild conspiracy theory,
not really.
Turns out there was
a kernel of truth
in a lot of what he was saying.
They were actively
fucking spying on him.
He should have locked her up.
A fucking sitting president.
That's so fucking fun.
Drain that swamp.
They did like a thing.
They do this thing.
It used to be
almost like the correspondence dinner.
It was like right before
or after the last debate,
him and Hillary
and a bunch of political people
had like a roast.
And like they joke around and shit.
And one of Trump's jokes was,
he's like,
it's good to see Hillary.
When she walked by my chair,
I bumped into her
and she said,
pardon me.
Because he was going to arrest her
and he's like,
maybe I will.
I don't know.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, nice, dude.
Well, I want to thank your eminence.
This is really good.
Dude, he kills,
he kills for like the first half.
Is he the Vatican?
Fucking Pope.
Bombs, dude.
Oh, yeah, it's a Catholic thing.
It's a bishop thing.
Oh.
And he's like,
yeah, they got to pretend
they like the Catholics
even though they love abortion
and like all this shit.
Funny guy, man.
Oh, Katie.
Look at him.
Schumer's going to bring it on.
Buddies with Schumer.
They were all buddies.
They're all buddies, best friends.
That guy's wicked shiny.
Yeah.
They're all hammered.
Well, they're on that adrenochrome.
It's sucking baby's blood.
Imagine that being that rich
with a bow tie
and still rocking a comb off.
Look at the guy with the glasses.
He's like,
I'm tricking everybody.
This is the Illuminati.
Who's the girl in the red?
She's something.
She's a...
She looks like an old actress, right?
Yeah.
No, she was a news lady.
I'm into it.
She's a hot old lady.
Look at Harry Clinton right there.
Let's hear some...
Look at Dama Rea in the middle.
The jokes are fucking...
Hello to all of you.
Is that Gayle King?
...who have known and loved me
for many, many years.
She's got one glove,
Michael Jackson style.
The politicians.
They've had me to their homes.
She's a bit of all right.
They've introduced me
to their children.
I've become their best friends
in many instances.
They've asked for my endorsement
and they always wanted my money
and even called me
really a dear, dear friend,
but then suddenly decided
when I ran for president
as a Republican
that I've always been
a no-good, rotten,
disgusting scoundrel
and they totally forgot about me.
But that's okay.
That was a joke.
But that's okay.
They say when you do
this kind of an event,
you always start out
with a self-deprecating joke.
Some people think
this would be tough for me,
but the truth is...
Why are they dead again?
They're supposed to hate each other.
This is before I really sunk in.
This is before he won.
They were all laughing.
They were like,
I'm very modest.
In fact,
many people tell me
that modesty
is perhaps
my best quality.
Even better
than my temperament.
You know,
Cardinal Dolan
and I have some things
in common.
For instance,
we run
impressive properties
on Fifth Avenue.
Of course,
his is much more
impressive than mine.
That's because
I built mine
with my own
beautifully formed
hands.
This is terrible.
No, hold on.
He starts killing.
Whatever.
Yeah, it's too long.
It's like a bad comedy special.
Like,
get to the first joke.
He starts crushing.
He starts hitting Hillary.
If you fast forward
to the end,
they are turning on him.
They turn on him?
Yeah, he's getting laughs
and then towards the end,
people get,
they're like,
oh man,
I can't support you.
Right here, right there.
Right there.
But one of the things
I noticed tonight,
and I've known Hillary
for a long time,
is this is the first time
ever,
ever,
that Hillary
is sitting down
and speaking
to major corporate leaders
and not getting paid for it.
Hey, she liked it.
She has some chompers, dude.
You know,
last night
I called Hillary
a,
I don't know.
It's funny.
You're going to have to trust me
on this.
That was like an evening
at the improv.
That's one of those videos
where like,
start at this point.
Yeah, my bad.
You need to find the clips.
Yeah.
Highlights.
It's a highlight thing.
Yikes.
Yeah, it's just funny
to see them all like,
him and Hillary
and everybody's like,
palling around.
That's that true.
The second he won,
they got.
Bill Clinton and Epstein.
It's like,
these guys and Trump,
they all were friends.
Epstein was CIA, dude.
You think so?
He was intelligence.
Jeffrey Epstein?
Without a doubt.
United States intelligence?
You just mean Jews
are intelligence?
He was Mossad or CIA.
He was one of them.
Or maybe together.
I mean,
they found,
when they went to his house,
they found rooms.
There's cameras
in every room.
What do you think
is living?
Who's they
and how do you know this?
That Nick Bryant dude
I told you about
came on ours.
He wrote a,
yeah, it's crazy.
It's crazy.
Did he go there
and see the cameras?
I think it's public,
it's public records.
Like, the police.
I love how Joe
calls you on your fax
and you're like,
I don't know,
I kind of know it.
But if that's the case,
if that's the case,
where are the tapes?
Who's got the tapes?
They're not coming out.
Dude,
here's how it's very clear
he's intelligence.
He got arrested
by the Palm Beach
Police Department
in early 2000s,
maybe 90s,
whatever.
He was charged
with like 32 counts,
32 different
underage girls.
Wow.
They were like,
all right,
we're not going to
take it to trial,
we're going to take it
to a grand jury
or whatever that thing is
where it's sealed.
Nobody can find out about it.
He got charged
with one count
and he served 13 months.
and it was like
a work release thing.
Yeah,
he was able to leave
and fuck kids.
Wait,
was he fucking the kids
or just provided
the dogs?
I think he was hooking it up.
What's this,
Jamie?
Drone footage
from when they were
raiding his island
in the Caribbean.
Filled with cameras.
NYPD and FBI.
Yeah,
why is the NYPD there?
Well,
because he had a house
in New York.
I mean,
he allegedly
did some crimes
in New York.
He had a crazy house
in New York
that somebody gifted him.
A guy who was the CEO
of Victoria's Secrets.
Is that what it was?
Yeah,
that dude.
I think that was it.
He's in on it.
Yeah,
there was a lot of guys
that had to resign
because they donated
like $150 million
to Epstein
and people were like,
why did you give him
that much money?
Because he runs
a good party.
He was a great guy
and really knew
how to do stuff
with money.
But the police
in Florida
were like,
we were told
he was intelligent.
Yes,
I've heard that.
They had a quote
because they were like,
how is this happening?
How is he getting
18 months
or whatever?
18 year olds.
Yeah,
they were probably like,
how do I get
in that fucking house?
I mean,
it's weird shit.
You see the
Down syndrome model?
Yeah.
Oh,
nice.
Yeah,
pull her up.
Fire her up.
Not bad.
Very hot.
Yeah.
That's a weird situation.
That was another
Epstein thing.
The guy who donated
was like,
hey,
I really love Down's kids.
No.
Can you provide that
Oh yeah,
the Victoria's Secret guy?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's my kink.
It's funny
because she's still hot
so they're inclusive
but they're still shallow.
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
That's her?
Wow.
I don't get the better picture.
That's the picture.
That's the picture.
In the words of Dave Attell,
those titties ain't retarded.
Oh,
how dare you?
That's Dave's joke.
There was,
there was,
I go Down's on her.
A guy that I knew
that was a counselor.
A guy that knew
he was a counselor
and he worked with
mentally challenged people
and he said,
they're always fucking.
Of course.
Because they don't know
how they're not supposed to.
Inhibitions are gone
or whatever.
More than I do.
But like,
they're supposed to,
they just masturbate all the time.
What the fuck was that?
Huge dongs.
You've heard that?
We've got multiple conversations
going simultaneously.
We've got to avoid that.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah,
where did you hear
they got huge dongs?
I think it's just
common knowledge.
Big fat fingers?
Boys have hammers.
Yeah,
you've heard that.
The boys have hammers.
I mean,
I bet you could pull that up.
I get to it again
immediately.
I bet some guys
would be like,
wait,
okay,
how much Down's
can I still have a big dick
and be functional?
Do you think of some chicks
who love fucking Down's,
boys?
Yeah.
Must be right.
People tattoo their eyeballs.
Well,
they're very strong,
man.
Very strong.
They can pick up cars.
There's a group of people
for everything out there
in this world.
Oh, yeah.
And women love someone
you can change.
They're just my favorite.
You can't change them.
My buddy,
my buddy,
my buddy,
Spud had a friend
who,
Spud had,
he was buddies
with a guy with Down's
and he said,
this dude ripped,
they were playing
basketball outside
and then he ripped
the hoop out of the ground.
Whoa.
And they were all like,
what the fuck?
You see?
They could squeeze that ball
if they wanted.
He was just like,
ah!
Oh my God.
Isn't that the story of Rudy?
Basically.
I mean, right?
He's like a football player,
but he's challenged.
Dude?
Was he challenged?
No, no, no.
Instagram account?
Oh, no.
What a verified account.
Drags and drags.
Drag syndrome?
Drag syndrome.
Oh my God.
I'm not trashing these dudes.
They're having a good time.
They're not dudes.
They're girls,
you son of a bitch.
No, no, no.
They're drags.
They're drags.
Drags are just regular dudes.
The first one had
Gillis facial hair.
Wait a minute,
but drags aren't.
That's an attack, dude.
Oh, come on.
You're like a Korean warrior.
I'm excited about
this facial hair, dude.
I'm glad you brought it up.
All right.
Your mustache?
Yeah.
What are you doing with that?
Is that new?
Nothing.
People keep telling me
to get rid of it.
Is that a gig?
It looks like a Chinese emperor.
Yeah, that's what I'm going for.
Is it a gag, rather?
I mean,
I don't think it looks great.
So why you keep it?
Well, because I've had
enough people around me
be like,
shave that.
I'm like,
well, now I'm not.
I think it looks cool, bro.
There you go.
You're pushing back.
You know what I mean?
I get it.
I'm not getting,
like, my girlfriend's like,
yeah, you should get rid of it.
I'm like,
well, now I'm not.
Do you understand this?
She's got her slapped.
Yeah.
Will Smith.
Will Smith, dude.
I wonder how you would look,
like, is it good with the chin hair?
Does that balance it out?
Don't worry, dude.
I'm thinking, like,
maybe no chin hair.
There's nothing we can do to make this.
But I'm thinking,
my mustache is wild looking on me.
Is it?
It's funny, too.
Because that's all I'm seeing
because I don't see your chin
because of the mic.
It's pretty fuzzy down there.
It's not good.
You're fine with it.
I know it's not good.
Burn it off.
Burn it off.
You can burn it off.
Burn it off.
Burn it off.
That'll smell.
Yeah, just give it a buzz.
What's funny is,
if I shave it,
just the mustache,
pure John Candy.
Really?
Yeah.
He's funny.
And what's funny is,
the last couple,
like, anytime I'm talking
to, like, agents or whatever
about, like, a thing,
they're like,
I mean,
Goodman, Farley.
I'm like, yeah.
Ralphie May.
Yeah, why do you guys
hit me?
Roseanne, guys.
Yeah.
Almost dead or now dead.
Yeah.
What the fuck are you guys doing?
You could die of an overdose
of hamburgers in no time.
Has anybody,
you're working out a lot now.
You're starting to lose weight.
Not a lot.
I'm trying, dude.
Well, I'm watching you on Instagram.
I'm working on it.
You're losing weight.
Yeah, I sent you that picture.
You look good.
You look better, for sure.
You look better.
It's coming back a little.
Has anybody said,
well, you know,
you got a kind of specific type
for casting,
maybe it would be a good idea
to not lose weight.
Oh, no, no, no.
Nobody's,
I'm not losing enough.
Someone said that to Kevin James.
Really?
Yeah.
I told him to fuck off.
Like, what are you talking?
He's like,
you're losing weight,
you're losing rolls.
That's what he said.
Literally.
He's eating rolls.
Yeah, literally said that to him.
Yeah, he literally loses rolls.
Sparky,
what's his name?
Sparky.
He was a bouncer.
Big fat guy from
Long Island.
Yeah.
McHale's Navy.
Frasier?
Sparky something.
He was this big fat guy.
He got tons of rolls
and then he lost 250 pounds
and then Hollywood's like,
yeah, that's it.
Wow.
What?
Yeah, well,
if you're a big fat guy in movies
and then you lose a ton of weight,
you're not a leading man.
You're not a handsome guy.
Yeah, you don't have a name.
You're doing bit rules.
Interesting.
That's true.
Yeah.
Seinfeld has that rule.
If you go up or down 20 pounds,
your act is different.
I agree with that.
People see you differently.
Cute girls can do a different act
than you can do.
Like, you can get away with certain jokes.
Silverman can get away with jokes
that you and I can't get away with.
Love a good fat girl.
On stage.
Nice chubby lady.
That's comedy.
Although chubby ladies
have gotten a little fucking uppity lately.
Have they?
Yeah, you know the fat ones out there.
They're all doing Thea Vidal.
They're all just doing an impression
like, I don't give a shit.
It's like, you're all just doing Thea Vidal.
Wait, that's not what I meant.
You went black on us.
Yeah, that's not what I meant.
What do you mean?
No, I mean like, uh...
One more Bud Light,
we're going to review this question.
Yeah, we'll go.
It's like, no, it's like,
being fat is the best.
It's like, take it easy.
Oh, right.
You know what's the best?
It's when a fat girl like whoever,
Taylor, not Taylor Swift.
No, she's not.
Adele.
Adele, or whatever.
And they're like,
we love you, be whoever you are.
And they lose weight.
All these fat chicks are like,
fuck you.
Oh, yeah.
Look, I get it, dude.
I mean, obviously they're wrong,
but you're feeling betrayed a little bit.
Yeah, because she was one of you.
Here's our fat...
I mean, that must have been
how the black people felt
with Michael Jackson.
When he went white.
Yeah, they're like,
wait a second.
But then when he went pedophile,
they're like, he's white.
Yeah, true.
Keep him, keep him.
Keep him.
They never believed it.
They never believed it.
A lot of people never believed it.
Yeah, that's a...
I like that.
What, they don't believe it?
I love just being like, nah.
Cosby too.
Cosby too.
They're like, uh-uh.
No thanks.
The only one they didn't do that
was R. Kelly.
They're like, oh yeah, he did it.
Yeah.
Well, there was a tape.
He pissed on those kids.
There was a tape.
There was a tape.
There was a tape of his new age.
But the tape came out,
and he was still fine.
Well, he said it wasn't me.
I think that was Shaggy.
It wasn't me.
He's currently incarcerated, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I guess it was him.
Aren't you glad you're not into that?
Yeah.
I mean, it's not...
Imagine if that was a thing.
You wanted to piss on kids.
It's like, you love a lot of things,
but what you really love.
I would love to piss on a kid,
but not in a sexual way.
I've done it.
I was like, get out of here.
I was a bed wetter.
I've peed on a lot of kids,
but it was unintentional.
Sleepovers?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I would really get my ass kicked.
That fucked you up.
It did.
Do you think that...
Builds character.
Maybe we did a podcast about it.
You wet bed until 16,
something like that.
Yeah, 14.
Do you think the R. Kelly thing
was like what we were talking about before
with David Bowie and Mick Jagger?
It's like, you just get so much pussy.
You lose your fucking mind.
No, I think he's off.
He's just got a problem.
He's just a wild dude.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not like...
He's broken.
Broken.
He got the allowance to do what he wanted,
and then he found out,
let me try everything.
He's like, oh, this is what I want.
And he kind of started a sex cult, right?
Yeah, dude.
He had them in the walls.
Yeah, dungeon.
Do you have the shots?
He'd open a closet there,
and there'd be a girl,
and they're like,
help me!
No, but he tricked them.
Well, he didn't trick...
Yeah, they stopped.
They were like...
Their parents would try to get them
and be like,
you need help.
This guy's bad,
and they'd be like,
fuck you.
Leave me alone.
I love...
I'm 18.
Yeah, dude.
You just saw the thing from Africa?
He had a dungeon, dude.
What?
Do you just saw the thing from Africa?
His concert?
No.
Have you had your shots?
Do you want to come to America?
Oh, yeah.
To live in Rob's house?
Do you have your shots?
Do you have your passport?
Something like that?
Find that.
Put shots.
First off, he rules.
I still say...
It's singing.
I maintain to this day
that Real Talk
is one of the greatest music videos
the world has ever known.
It was Real.
Which one was that?
Real Talk?
Did you get your passport?
Did you get your shots?
Girl, would you like to come back with Rob?
To America?
America?
Did you get your shots?
Do you have your passport?
Do you have your passport?
Would you like to come back?
Do you have your passport?
Damn.
He's like the Pied Piper of the pedophiles.
That's what he was.
He called himself Pied Piper.
Oh, he did?
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
I like how he brings a towel on stage
and sweat so much.
You can often hand it to someone
in the front row
and let them wipe off his sweat.
He's singing passionately.
Oh, he's got a great singer.
That's another thing he does
is like the soap opera thing he did.
Yeah.
You remember that?
Oh, yeah.
Trapped in the Closet.
Yeah, Trapped in the Closet.
Trapped in the Closet.
That's not Real Talk?
No, Trapped in the Closet
was like multiple, multiple songs.
It was a movie broken up.
It was a midget under the sink.
That's what happened.
It was basically an hour, right?
Oh, my God, a midget.
No.
Pull it up.
Yeah.
Pull it up.
Brad Williams.
It's funny.
He's like, before you do
Trapped in the Closet,
I need to see Real Talk.
Real Talk is one of the great,
it's him talking to a girl,
it's him talking to a girl
and she's accusing him of cheating
and he's getting his hair done
and he's smoking cigars
and he's like,
what?
What did I do?
What is it like?
Bitch, what?
Yeah.
He sings in conversation.
He's just like that.
He's like,
do you have your passport?
Do you want to come to a marriage?
There's no rhyming or anything.
I think this guy just got crack blown in his ass.
I think this guy just got crack blown in his ass.
That was the guy, dude.
You know what I'm saying?
So I did it on YouTube
but I'm going to do this shit
for y'all on YouTube.
2007.
Early YouTube.
Wow, dude.
Didn't South Park do this?
Or they did The Closet.
We're going to be real, man.
I'm just going to be real.
We're just going to roll his limb
and we're going to do it.
I'm doing this for the fans
that I know around the globe
that love Real Talk.
Girl, I wasn't...
Wait a minute, calm down.
I was at a club with who?
Get the fuck up.
Friends don't care.
You know what?
Girl, I'm not about to sit up here
and argue with you about
who's to blame
or call no names.
Real Talk Seeker.
Only thing I'm trying to establish
with you is not
who's right or who's wrong.
What's right and what's wrong?
He's getting his head there.
This is the best part right here.
I'm VIP smoking and drinking
and kicking it.
Tell me, girl,
did she say there were other guys there?
Did she say there were other guys there?
Were there other guys there?
Well, tell me this.
How the fuck she know
if I was with them other girls?
That's so flimsy.
Let me tell you what I'm trying to do.
It's so good.
It's so good.
It's just funny
because everybody knows he's lying.
Right, right.
He obviously was with the other girl.
Of course.
It's not real talk at all.
You ever see a video
that the guy sing to the judge
his apology?
No.
Jamie, see if you can find it.
Dude.
Hold on.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
A midget.
Oh, yeah.
I got to see this.
Oh, it's fucking...
Peter Dinklage?
No, it's...
It's...
Oh, with the wire guy.
Yeah, bro.
Anthony...
Michael K. Williams.
Michael K. Williams.
Michael K. Williams.
He was in this?
Yeah.
There's a crew and cameraman
and lighting guys here.
Imagine the guys who have to record this
like, what the fuck is going on.
They didn't show the midget coming out?
Yeah, no midget.
Yeah, no midget after 10.
Hold on.
The midget comes in the next episode.
Oh, right.
It's a cliffhanger.
Dude, was he trying to be funny?
No.
That's the beauty.
It's totally sincere.
It's madness.
It's almost like there was no editing at all.
Like, whatever he wrote,
he starts singing.
Yes.
Is that Bushwick Bill?
Yeah.
Oh, probably is.
He kicked him in the shin.
Dives over the table and lands on the midget.
I've never seen this.
Her name is Bridget?
Yeah, Bridget the Midget.
Oh, my God.
Why is he in a suit?
He's under the sink.
He's in a suit.
She's getting a gun.
I put him on the table.
What the fuck is going on?
I put it on my side.
What the fuck?
This is gold.
I was playing cards.
This is gold.
So crazy.
This guy got the booster.
He has his way points.
He has his way points.
My name is Bridget.
Who is it, baby?
She hangs up and gives him the address.
Now, meanwhile, back at the policeman's house.
The midget is crying his ass all night.
Holy fuck.
Oh, my God.
This is so insanely good.
We should have a view.
Oh, she's got a double barrel.
Look at that.
Oh, my God.
Bridget's not fucking around.
There's 27 chapters or something, right?
Holy shit.
We should have a viewing party.
This doesn't have enough views.
It does not have enough views.
I know.
It's like 162,000.
That's nothing.
Oh, this is new.
It's not a million.
It probably gets uploaded.
They take it down.
YouTube thinks it's problematic.
Is it his feed or someone else?
No, no.
It's awesome that we just assumed
the black midget was Bushwick.
I don't know if it's not.
Bushwick only has one eye.
Oh, really?
True.
Yeah.
It's on the cover of We Can't Be Stopped.
The other eye?
Bro, I'm a ghetto boys fan.
Holy shit.
In the old days.
33 chapters.
Wow.
Seven year saga.
We should have a viewing party.
We should.
That'd be the best.
Come on.
On one of your new screens, dude.
We'll talk.
I couldn't do shrooms.
Why do you have a big screen?
It's right in front of us.
If we did shrooms and watch that, I'd be sad.
Yeah, that's tough.
That would fuck me up.
All right.
I just like doing shrooms.
You'd never want to see a midget on shrooms.
No.
It fucking ruins the vibe.
Sorry, Brad.
Hey.
What?
You don't say stuff like that.
Boo.
No.
All right.
I apologize.
Definitely see midgets when you're on mushrooms.
You can't even see midget anymore.
Yeah, midget's bad, dude.
They take that word away.
We're quoting Robert, but.
Robert.
Don't you think I got enough bullshit on my mind?
Bitch.
I think I shitted myself.
Hey, Rob, if you're listening, I want to go to your house, and I do have my
passport and
my shots.
He's in jail.
Oh.
I'll go to your house.
I mean, the guy's an artist.
My favorite line in that song is he goes, bitch, I wish you would burn my
motherfucking
clothes.
Real talk.
Because you can tell she just said, I'm going to burn your clothes.
Yeah.
Bitch, I wish you would burn my motherfucking clothes.
This is just real conversations he's had with some jacks.
It's so funny to get caught cheating and think you have a good point.
Were there other guys there?
Were there other guys?
Right.
And then he sits back.
Tell me this.
Gotcha.
How the fuck she know I was with them other girls, man?
It's amazing.
I might start sing-fighting with my girlfriend.
She's like, real talk.
Yeah.
She's like, stop playing Xbox.
I'm like, bitch.
I like playing Xbox.
What's amazing is how many years he got away with doing what he was doing.
Because all this real talk was after the videotape got released.
The Chappelle sketch was 2003-ish.
That's right.
That's when it was a known thing that he liked to piss on young chicks.
And this was-
Just laughing about it.
Right.
This was 2007.
It was funny.
Never got edited out of a movie.
It was funny.
Edit what out of a movie?
He never got edited out of any movies because of pissing on underage chicks.
He was the space jam singer.
Dude, I believe I can fly.
Yeah.
That was a huge song.
Crazy.
Now he's in jail.
How long is he in jail for?
I think they're posting videos of him in jail singing.
All the other dudes are like, hell yeah.
This is awesome.
Yeah.
I mean, Cosby was doing sets in jail.
He's not set yet.
What?
Yeah, yeah.
He's appealing and asking to be sent to Juve at home.
Well.
What's going on, Jimmy?
They tried to delay the sentencing just yesterday and that got denied.
So it's May 4th and he faces 10 to life.
We should go.
Wait, wait.
What's he in trouble for?
Tricking bitches?
Pretty much.
No, he's in trouble.
There's underage shit.
There's a lot of shit.
Oh, yeah.
There's many things.
It's like imprisonment.
I hope he sings the fence.
He should think of that.
Where I'd like to represent myself.
Can I say one more thing?
What are the charges?
I believe.
Sex trafficking convictions.
Excuse me, convictions.
Sex trafficking.
Yeah.
Ah, dang it.
What's sex trafficking?
Damn, that's a tough one.
How did sex trafficking?
Oh, he was getting girls.
Illegally.
I mean, he would just, maybe they must be minors, but I think he was getting
girls from like Ohio
or wherever and bringing them.
Prohibits the transport of any woman or girl across straight lines for any immoral
purpose.
Oh, no.
We're all in trouble.
Oh, yeah.
Nah.
Right?
What's immoral?
Right?
That's the...
Because sodomy is like, isn't like...
That's illegal.
Oral sex is illegal in some states.
That's true.
So if a girl comes across a state line to visit you and blow you...
Oh, yeah.
That's why I always try to tell girls.
I'm not allowed to be so.
Oh, federal charges of child pornography and obstruction of justice.
That's separate.
Oh, that's separate.
I'm actually with the people that deny this, dude.
Free kills.
Boo.
He's innocent, dude.
Look at him.
What's good in the number?
Find the video of him singing in jail.
Go to Reddit for that.
Wait, what?
Yeah, he's in jail singing for the fellas.
Oh, I thought that was a joke.
No, I've seen a video of him singing in jail.
Do you think that prison's going to stop R. Kelly from singing?
True.
Come on.
Oh, he's having a good time.
Oh, but my body, my body's telling me yes, baby.
And the wild stuff can be dead.
I don't want to hurt nobody.
But there is something that I must confess.
He's so good.
He's basically saying, don't rape me, guys.
Please.
No, really.
I'll sing for you.
I'll play the hits.
Please.
Please leave me alone.
Whatever you want.
Is it more?
My body is telling me yes.
He's talking about gay sex in jail.
There is a video going around.
I sent this to a girl last night because it's like his style.
That's going to get the boys fired up.
Have I heard that song in there?
Yeah, it gives you hope.
I'd like to have sex with that guy.
Yeah.
You finish that song and go, no, go out there.
We're going to go rape.
Go get those white guys in here on DUI.
This video says, whoever cries first night, it's open game.
My mind is telling me no.
My body is telling me yes.
That was one of his big hits.
Yeah, it was.
See if there's any other videos of him in jail.
Who's got the fucking...
Who's got a YouTube?
R. Kelly singing in jail.
Oh, that's a long stream or something.
Caught singing to a girl on TikTok from jail.
Wow.
Try that.
It's an hour and 15 minute video.
We'll just scoot in there.
That's a lot.
As long as someone's live streamed.
Yeah, play the whole thing.
Don't you think I got enough bullshit on my mind?
Real talk.
I want to ask you something.
Can you sing a song for me?
Which one?
Love letter.
Did you get my car?
Did you get my car?
Voice of an angel.
When your dad goes to the same prison as R. Kelly.
Damn.
Wow.
Thank you.
That's adorable.
That's actually nice.
When your dad goes to the same prison as R. Kelly, that is wild.
Man.
That is wild.
Kelly hired Bill Cosby's legal counsel.
They did pretty good.
That's what he said.
Yeah, he's out.
Well, he's out, right?
Yeah, they did a real good job.
No one's talking about the fact that he's out, right?
He's out.
I think he's done a show.
Is he out out?
No.
Is he done?
I think he's out.
Now, what happened?
How did he get out?
I think they said the stuff he admitted to was-
They promised him they wouldn't prosecute him if he confessed.
It was something like that.
And they used what he said in that moment.
And they're like, you can't.
And they just did it because they didn't want riots in the streets.
And then they're like, no.
The Supreme Court will not review the decision to overturn Bill Cosby's
conviction.
Prosecutors had appealed a ruling by the Pennsylvania Supreme Court,
which had overturned the conviction on due process grounds.
So he's out.
Wow.
Damn, that's a shame.
Wow.
Look at that shirt.
That's wild.
Central 256.
What is that?
Filled up an area code?
It's like a high school.
So he's out out.
Wow.
What is he doing?
What is Bill Cosby doing today?
Is that his wife?
Go to his YouTube page.
I think that's like his legal team.
Oh.
Damn, that lady's bullsy for repping him.
That's wild.
He's out out.
It's a weird world.
If he got let off in the beginning, it would have been fucking murder on the
streets.
Yeah.
Yeah, but now it's-
They say he convicted everyone lost their fucking-
Oh, look at this.
He does have a YouTube channel.
And it's all Cosby show shit from four years ago.
Oh, he got the rights back.
Well, the show was good.
Did he get the rights back to the Cosby show?
Did he get the rights back to the Cosby show?
How could he put it up?
NBC would take all this down.
But it's like one minute, 51 seconds, two minutes, 40 seconds.
You think NBC would go, no, you don't have the rights to this.
Wait, why does it say Comedy Central?
He did a special with them.
He's only got 16,000 subscribers.
He did?
That's fucking nuts.
I know, right?
Guys, look at that.
Bill Cosby has 16,000 subscribers on YouTube.
May or may not be his official channel.
Let's make it his official channel.
Yeah, probably not.
Why are you pissing on my parade, bro?
Hey, R. Kelly.
He does have a Twitter account.
That's one of his songs.
His account does exist.
Dang it.
But he had an account for a long time.
Do you think Twitter banned his account?
Well, I was going to show you the R. Kelly thing.
The day he got convicted, his YouTube account got deleted.
Wow.
Damn.
He works for Sleepy's now.
That's why all those videos aren't there anymore.
So June of 2021 is when he got out.
He got it.
Yeah.
Wow.
He works for Sleepy's now.
You son of a bitch.
All right.
Son of a bitch.
Son of a B.
Ari.
Where are you going?
What the hell, dude?
You got to pee?
I got to piss, yeah.
All right.
Go ahead.
I have a penis.
Good luck.
I have a penis.
All right.
Lock that door behind him.
Yeah.
Get him out of here.
Real talk.
Don't you think I got enough bullshit on my mind?
Yeah, it's nice.
It's nice to sing Fight a Girl.
Do you think Weinstein ever gets out?
He might die in there.
Weinstein's going to be in there forever, right?
Yeah, he looks bad.
He looks like a pug, dude.
Real bad.
He can't walk anymore.
Yeah.
It's bad.
He's fucked up.
Yeah, and he got COVID twice in jail.
Damn.
And he got COVID in jail.
They just fucking put a fan in your room.
That's a different kind of COVID.
Jail COVID.
I bet he was, he's probably got it nice.
He's probably hooked up.
You think so?
I would imagine.
I don't think he has any money left.
I think they've basically taken all of his money.
He had some good movies.
Fuck, dude.
Yeah, he had every movie.
Here he is.
Disgraced producer Harvey Weinstein caught smuggling milk duds in jail.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
What a life.
Look, I think obviously what he did was horrific.
Let the dude have some milk duds.
He's dying, dude.
Give him some duds.
You don't get a dud.
No dud.
No more duds.
No duds.
It's over, Harv.
You fucked up.
And they took it from him.
They're like, no more duds.
Yeah, that's it.
You fucked up.
That might tack on six months to his sentence.
No.
There was an innocent misunderstanding, Weinstein said.
It will not happen again.
He said that a couple times.
I've been a model inmate, following the rules and regulations, and I'm
sincerely sorry.
Wow.
Bro, that guy must.
How long is he supposed to be in jail for?
Definitely forever.
Ever.
I wonder.
You know that joke?
Ever, ever?
You know you're in for a long time when you leave off the four.
Oh, Bernie Mac.
Yeah.
Leave off the four.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, he goes, he's like, how long you in here for?
He's like, ever.
Was that from Life, the movie?
That was from, that was from, I'm not scared of you motherfuckers.
Oh, is it?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
That's at the end.
He's like, oh, you in here for another motherfucker?
Yeah, yeah.
So how many years has he been in jail for now?
Harvey Weinstein?
Yeah, two or three, right?
Oh, he was out for a long time.
We had a waitress at the stand who used to work at Rockwood Music Hall when we
did shows
there.
Yeah.
And she said, he just came in.
What?
And they were like, you gotta serve him.
And there were all the waitress like, we don't want to.
And they were like, his money's green just like everybody.
You gotta serve him.
And they were like, this is kind of, but we don't want to.
Wow.
Weird.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, remember that comic you got him?
Yeah, she was like, why are we all just pretending like Harvey Weinstein's not
here?
Yeah, that's pretty funny.
Yeah.
That was really funny.
Yeah, she tweeted that.
I would have been a pussy.
I would have been like.
She was at a comedy show.
It's really cool, Harvey Weinstein's here.
No, I would have said something knowing the camera was on me like, oh, this guy
sucks.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, do you think he thought that he was going to win the court case?
Why didn't he need to like flee to Antigua or something?
Right?
I think he thought he was going to win.
I think he was too big.
His ego.
He's like, I got this.
You think his lawyers told him?
Yeah.
Wow.
Because he was huge.
He was, yeah.
Where do you go if you were that guy and you wanted to bail?
Polanski is still.
But he's French.
The thing is, like, Polanski can live in France.
They allow him.
You know where to go?
Israel.
That's the move?
They'll take any.
They'll take any Jew right over turn.
But what if I'm not a Jew?
Sorry, dude.
Oh, they'd take you in.
Damn.
Take me in?
Not very inclusive.
I'll take it with me.
Yeah?
You could take me in?
Yeah.
Can I be an honorary Jew?
Yeah.
Jew-rode?
Circumcised?
Because of your money now, you can't.
Circumcised?
Yes.
Nice.
That's not what I heard.
What?
Yeah, yeah.
Do you think that, um, do you think that if something happened to you, you
would flee to Israel?
I'd flee somewhere.
I'd reinvent myself.
I would just go, like, I'd shave my head, go a different day, and we'd just go
to Kempel.
Oh, yeah, you'd be totally unregulable.
Oh, nobody would recognize you there.
Yeah, you fucking stork.
Go to Kempel.
Go to some, like, nothing village somewhere.
It wouldn't be Israel.
They'll be like, I'll just live in a place.
They'll throw you right under the bus.
The people with cell phones in the village will be like, look at this.
Ari Javier.
Ari Javier.
What are you going to do here?
Well, you lived in China for a hot minute, didn't you?
Yeah, I lived all over.
It's like, uh, yeah, you just go live in a place where they don't know anything
about America.
Yeah, I think it's tough to get out, though.
Get out.
Getting out of each other country is tough.
Tell a story about when you were in China and some guy chased you out of his
house with a baseball bat
because you were having relations with his daughter.
Whoa.
Kells.
Wuhan?
What happened?
Oh, my God.
It was a Chinese man with a baseball bat.
Chinese man.
And he's swinging it at my head.
He came in like waving it.
He was like, trying to kill me.
The Chinese love baseball, too.
I ran out of there.
I was so frightening.
I haven't thought of that in a while.
What happened?
Tell me what happened.
I was hooking up with some chick in some show outside.
Any language barrier?
Asian?
A major language barrier.
Did she speak English at all?
Language of love.
Well, Jewish men love to eat Chinese.
Yeah, it wasn't Christmas.
So was she saying anything in English to you?
Or was it just implied?
Did you get her age and have to be like Google Translate?
We did go through Google Translate a little bit.
That works.
That works.
Yeah, to make up the barrier.
She spoke a little bit, and then we were there hooking up, and just the door
was open.
How old was she?
About 12 or 13 at least.
So she came to your show?
China, dude.
China, it's a different world.
Yeah, it was at a bar, and she spoke some English.
Was she laughing at your act?
I don't know.
It was just afterwards.
We were talking at the bar afterwards.
Wow.
Like, where are you from?
That's how you know when it comes to just a lady.
She didn't even know if your jokes were funny.
She just saw you with a light on you and a microphone, and she was like, wow.
I assume it was doing well.
Yeah.
I think it was the show that was right over the border from Hong Kong, but I
don't remember
exactly which one it was.
Bombing.
That's nasty, dude.
So how did it go?
What happened?
You started screaming and holding a plucking baseball bat.
Don't lie.
All right, good.
So you go back to the house.
I was frightened of my ass.
Give me the whole story.
You go back to the house.
She's like, shh.
I'm like, yeah, that's not my first rodeo.
It's like, of course.
You go in there, and we start making out, and the door just, I mean, we're
taking our clothes
off.
You know, sex.
Chopsticks?
And then the door just busts open.
I hadn't penetrated yet, but it was-
Did you dig out?
But they were screaming, dude.
How loud was it?
Yeah, I had my dick out.
Chinese dude with a bat?
That must have been the loudest fucking thing on earth.
It was frightening.
It looked like Empire of the Sun.
It was just like-
Did you ever put your pants back on?
Yeah.
So I had to navigate this guy being angry and holding a weapon, and I'm trying
to close
up, and get around the door.
Unlike Louie, this guy did block the door.
So how'd you get out?
He kind of like, he wanted me out of there.
So he just kind of like, yeah, and then as I was running out, I could hear him
screaming
at the daughter.
Oh, man.
Oh, I'm on turn around.
You're like Mothra over there.
You're probably towering over them.
Did you have any more shows in that city?
No.
That was it.
We went home the next day.
Oof.
Back to Hong Kong.
Damn.
Were you walking through the airport nervous?
No, because he was back over the border into Hong Kong.
Oh, okay.
That was staying.
Was she yelling at the dad?
Like, no, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She was like screaming at him.
I'm like, this is not my situation.
My boner did not remain.
How old was the dad?
Might have been a boyfriend or husband.
He was old, like my age.
Oh, okay.
There we go, Ari.
There you go.
Hey, hey.
Hey, you got some juice left?
Yeah, that suit's bringing you back.
God, what a weird fucking time.
God, it was fucking weird.
But how fun is that shit?
You did the China run?
Yeah.
What a great fucking cool run.
It was fun.
I saw the wall.
Beijing was awesome.
How many shows you did?
We did a show at night for two weeks.
Wow.
Yeah, 17 days from me.
Shanghai.
Did you do the zip card down the wall?
Yes, I did.
The slalom?
Yeah, that's how you get down.
There's a sign in there going, this is not regulated.
Use your own risk.
And you just have to fucking go or stop.
It's janky.
It's janky.
It's so fun.
But it was fun.
How many, who'd you go with?
How many comics?
It was just me.
Just you?
Yeah.
And the opening act?
Did you have an opening act?
No, it was like showcases.
Did you go with Turner?
Turner and Andy Kirtain?
Andy was there.
Andy.
He put the whole thing on.
He's head of Live Nation Asia now.
Is that right?
Good for him.
So how does it work?
You say showcases.
There's a club in Shanghai.
So you just do the club every night.
Was.
Oh, it's gone?
They shut it down.
Oh, shit.
That was a good room.
They're like, thank you.
We learned about your fucking income making possibilities.
You're good to go.
What do you mean?
They let Americans and Westerners come in to teach them how to make money.
And then eventually they're like, we're closing our, pretty much closing our
borders.
Thank you.
We got enough we can get from you.
You're out.
So they let them in so that they figure out how to make money off stand-up?
Off all these sorts of things.
And then we learned enough and it's like, hey, this free speech, get out.
They were very strict.
I don't know if they were with you.
Like, do not make fun of the Chinese government.
We know you think it'll be funny.
It won't be.
Not here.
Don't do it.
And you'll die.
But I had no jokes on that anyway.
So I was just like, all right, whatever.
I don't know anything about your government.
I wasn't even planning on it.
But one of them was a bar show.
One was in a bookstore.
But they were all great.
Beijing was a bookstore.
Yes.
That's where I met Des.
That was the best show of the trip.
It was great.
Yeah.
And they gave us duck after.
It was awesome.
And you say you're doing it as a showcase.
So how many comics were on the show with you?
It was like three, four comics than me.
And I'd probably do like 20 or 30.
A lot of locals.
That's how they got the comedy scene.
They're like, hey, is an out-of-towner here?
Come in.
And they're like, by the way, guys, we have an open mic every week if you want
to come
back.
And people are like, all right.
All these expats.
I'm like, I'll come back.
I did so much blow in Beijing.
Really?
What?
Oh, my God.
Did you?
Oh, yeah.
Opium, they'll kill you.
What?
Coke, they're like, fucking kill yourselves.
We don't care.
They don't care if you do Coke?
They don't care about weed.
They don't know what the smell is.
Coke, it's a white drug.
It's not a yellow drug.
So they just don't care.
What?
Yeah.
Really?
So they have no regulations on Coke?
You can't import it.
There was a Beijing comic who got caught with Coke.
They stamped her passport, never allowed her return.
Sent her on her way.
Damn.
She steamed it out and went back.
Oh, what a badass.
Wow.
Nice.
Who is that?
Gangster.
Miss Pat?
Some comic there.
Good for her.
So were any of the guys that you were working with funny?
No.
They're brand new.
Yeah, they were new.
They were young.
Very supportive.
It was like a belly room.
It was very supportive.
And I think comedy stand-up is kind of new there.
Yeah, stand-up's new.
Yeah, so you could go in there and you were a God.
You're murdering.
You had set up punch, set up punch.
And they were just like, oh, this is weird.
You know, it was a lot of that stuff.
You were like a black dude playing rock and roll.
Yes.
White people was just like, oh.
Was it a lot of Americans?
There was some Australian.
Ex-pats.
Some European.
A couple American and some Chinese.
So is it a lot of people that are like there for jobs or something like that?
Yeah, five-year, three-year contracts for banks or schools or whatever.
Well, I noticed a lot of ugly white guys move to China to get laid.
Oh, yeah.
Because you like, you stand out.
You're like a black guy.
Your dick's bigger.
You're cooler.
You're more athletic.
There was a guy who, a comic there who pickpocketed somebody and a black guy.
And they were like, they just made a lineup of like the eight black people in
Beijing.
And the lady's like, yeah, it's that one.
Wow.
He just got out of jail.
Oh.
Just got out of jail.
Chinese jail?
Yeah.
And he went to China to rob people?
I don't know if that's why he was there.
Can you imagine getting arrested for robbery in China?
That's terrifying.
Did they lock him up?
They locked him up.
They said he came out changed.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was changing.
Caning.
Yeah, they probably stripped layers out of his asshole.
Yikes.
The inside of it is very different.
My body is telling me yes.
Imagine what they did to him in jail, man.
China.
Dude, I forgot about that chick with her fucking dad.
I didn't forget.
You told me that story.
I was terrified.
Yeah, it's a real fucked up thing.
It's just adventure out there.
It's a fun trip.
It's a fun trip.
Callan told me he went to a restaurant.
There was a hole in the floor where he'd go to take a shit.
That's true.
And then underneath it was pigs.
Whoa.
Eating the shit.
That I didn't see.
There was a restaurant where pigs were under the shit.
They were eating human shit.
And then you go, yeah, and then you order a fucking.
And then you'd eat the pig that ate the shit.
Yikes.
Full circle.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can't believe COVID came out of there.
There's the other thing that Ari told me about that I couldn't believe was true,
but was sewer oil.
They would make cooking oil out of sewage.
They would boil raw sewage down and find the oil and strip it out and then resell
it to
these restaurants.
They'd render it down and then they'd make it.
I'm never going there.
They'd say something like two thirds of the street noodles are made with sewage
oil.
It was crazy.
I remember walking down an alley and there was a guy doing dental work in a
chair.
And I was like, wow, what's that?
Like, that's a dentist's office.
And then next to it was like a guy getting his hair cut on the street.
I was like, this is China.
It's wild.
I don't know if you want to get it.
Yeah.
You got to have walls around these things.
Yeah, maybe some Purell, a glove.
In a lot of ways, it's way more free.
You could buy a beer at 3 a.m. and just drink it in the street, but you can't
get on Google.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Yeah, you can't watch videos at Tiananmen Square.
There's no sign even there.
Really?
It's just a part.
You don't even know.
You're like, where was it?
You're like, you just walked through it.
Yeah.
There's no notification of a historical set of goods.
Because of what happened.
Yeah.
That's how they roll.
You can only do TikTok for three hours there.
They have all these weird rules.
This is the dentist on the street.
There it is.
There's a mark in the back.
Yeah.
That guy opened for me.
Hey, Dennis.
Keep your tooth.
Teeth.
See, look at that.
That guy's just done.
He's good to go.
That guy got a good mustache.
No lollipop.
Yeah, this doesn't look great.
But it's cool to see.
It is cool.
And then you're just building material.
I'm walking through.
I'm writing an hour of jokes here.
It's so foreign.
A billion people.
Damn.
So did you eat any of that food that was made with sewage oil?
I think I did.
He must have.
I probably did.
The food wasn't great.
Because, you know, Chinese food in America is all sweetened up and salted up.
Out there, it's a little bland.
Really?
Yeah, it wasn't as good.
They don't take the bones out, too.
They just cleaver the whole thing into bite-sized pieces.
But bones are in the middle of it.
So they'll make you take your own bones out.
Yeah, and you're like, what the fuck?
Wow.
Yeah.
Good times.
Yeah.
It was a really cool, interesting experience.
That really got me going on, like, travel.
That's the most foreign place.
Yeah.
It's weird watching how they navigate through groups of people, how they just
kind of bump
into each other.
Yeah, that's true.
No sense of personal space.
There's no bubble in China.
No.
Even the subway.
They just push you in.
And they're just like, ugh, in the subway.
It's crazy.
When I was on a plane, we were going from Taiwan to, I forget.
I think we were on the way to Thailand.
You went to Taiwan?
Yeah.
And there was a lot of Chinese people on the plane.
And my daughter was waiting in line for the bathroom.
And this Chinese lady walks past her like she wasn't even a thing.
Like, bumped her like she was a curtain.
Damn.
And my wife got all pissed off.
And I go, she's not being rude.
That's just how they do it.
It's just their culture.
That's how it is.
It's crazy.
There's no expectation of personal space.
But my daughter was like, you know, fucking nine.
She was like, what the fuck is going on?
She looked at me.
And it was like one of those things.
Like, this is just how they do it.
Be cool.
Be cool.
Don't freak out.
She's not even being rude.
She's bumping into you because they bump it in.
She would bump into me that way, too.
She'd bump into anybody.
On the plane from China or in China, there's always, like, somebody with their
carry-on
with just a box of a turkey, like a dead turkey.
And it's always, like, leaking and shit into the fucking cardboard box.
Duct-taped and shit.
You can get one where you're going.
I flew coach to China.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
It was, like, my Vietnam.
It was brutal.
How many hours?
21?
It was a long flight.
Coach.
We went through Doha.
I did coach, too.
It was a nightmare.
It was the same size coach seats as American girls.
Same shit.
Wow.
And the TV was in Chinese.
I was like, fuck.
So I couldn't even watch TV, really.
And I remember a guy's foot came between the seats.
That's just how they do it there.
Yeah, you can't tell them no.
Yeah.
The cool thing, I had heavy edibles the whole way.
But then when you landed, you have to go to the bathroom and dump whatever.
But Jesus Christ, when did you get arrested?
On the plane in America.
You dump them in the airport, in the airplane before you go in.
And then you're just high when they go in.
I took everything I had left, took those, and then got off the plane.
But when you land in China, you're like, oh, I'm fucked.
It's all, you know, character, Chinese characters.
It's tough.
Isn't there an app where you can hold your phone up and it'll translate?
Yep.
Probably now.
Yeah, there is.
I just had to wing it.
It's hard.
You just point.
You're like, I learned the word for beef.
And I was like, I think Ryu or something like that.
I was like, Ryu?
And they just pointed at a sign like, there's 10 different beef.
What do you want?
I'm like, I don't know.
Three?
And then you just got to go with it.
Wow.
Whatever it is, it is.
Did you try to learn any of the language?
A little bit.
I always try to learn please, thank you, 1 through 10, bathroom.
What's ni hao?
Ni hao?
Is that bi?
Is that hi?
Hello?
Is that Chinese?
Yeah, kai-lan.
Ni hao, kai-lan.
You ever seen that show?
Uh-uh.
It's a kid's show.
Ni hao.
It was like a Chinese cartoon.
Oh.
You ever seen it?
No, I don't have kids.
I've heard the term.
Find him.
Find him.
Ni hao.
Ni hao.
Yeah, it's a show where it's like this lady.
Drink, dude.
You guys are all sober as a bird, dude.
I finished all that whiskey.
Here it is.
There's kai-lan.
That's nothing.
That was a fucking cup of whiskey.
Ni hao.
So she has a pet panda bear.
She's cute.
She's got a pet tiger and that little monkey.
What does ni hao mean, J-mo?
Okay, I think it does, too.
Does it mean hello?
Yep.
But I'll tell you, you realize how much you rely on that phone, that GPS, that
Uber, when
you're like, I'm fucked.
The GPS, you can get any public transportation.
You can get on there in China.
I know, but it's still like, you know, you look up, you're like, I don't know
what the
hell these numbers mean or what that means, and you've got to really like use
your brain
again.
It's fun just getting lost there, though.
I love getting lost.
I love to just travel and live and laugh.
Shut up.
And love.
Wake up without a kidney.
Yeah.
Tub of ice.
I was watching this documentary where they were talking about what they do to
get, harvest
organs from prisoners.
What's going on?
Lighter?
You want to light it for you?
Yeah.
They suspect that they harvest the organs from prisoners and from people who
fucked up.
So like, if you get an organ, you get a kidney.
It's probably from some child molester or something.
Murderer?
Maybe.
Or some guy who fucked up.
China forcefully harvests organs from detainees.
Tribunal concludes.
Look at this.
China's organ transplant trade is worth $1 billion a year, and they forcefully
harvest
the organs from prisoners.
That is wild.
Yikes.
Can you imagine?
You go to jail for shoplifting.
They're like, well, we get your finger.
They take your kidney.
They take a chunk out of your liver.
Well, the liver is very resilient.
Allegedly.
And then the kidney, you get two of those, right?
Bert Kreischer's alive.
That's true.
Yeah, none of it makes sense.
Norm is dead.
Bert's alive.
Artie Lang's alive.
Artie Lang's alive.
No nose.
Stand up.
That's not a good symbol there.
The fake swastikas, the reverse swastikas.
Falun Gong, which means the wheel practice in Chinese, a set of meditation
exercises and
texts that preach the virtues of truth, benevolence, and forbearance.
So those people, so that's, it's like a religious sect.
And those people, they were, oh, the Chinese government banned Falun Gong.
Oh, they're in Deer Park, New York.
We've got to go over there.
And so those people, they were harvesting their organs.
Whoops.
That's wild.
Yeah, all that, what's that thing where they show the bodies and set out?
Bodies?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That was all the Chinese prisoners.
Hey, would nobody give permission for you guys to use this for a traveling show?
Not just that.
They even say that those bodies, Google where do the bodies come from.
We've done this before.
Body works.
They're all of them like unclaimed Chinese bodies.
How do you say this?
Yeah, what do you want?
What?
Ash.
Oh, Bud White is good.
I forget how good this is.
It's a great beer.
It's not bad when it's cool.
And I got the Texas logo right on there.
Oh, yeah.
Everything's Texas.
That's fun.
Texas supports Texas.
Texas fucking loves Texas.
Don't bring your California to my Texas.
I love it here.
Second best flag in the Union.
I mean, I get it.
If I was from Texas, I mean, Texas is what America is to the rest of the world.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're the fucking best.
And everybody else is like, yeah, you guys are cool.
Fuck you guys.
Shut up about it.
But they all wind up moving here when shit goes sideways.
And you got all these great festivals here.
They all come in for that.
A lot of festivals.
A lot of comedy here, man.
A lot of comedy.
There's so many comedy clubs now.
The scene here is hot.
I keep hearing about, I know I heard about like Sunset Strip Comedy Club.
What the hell is that?
There's the Romo room.
There's the Creek in the Cave.
Have you done all these yet?
There's Vulcan.
No.
No, I've done the Creek in the Cave.
I've done Vulcan and Stubbs.
I did Stubbs a bunch of times with Chappelle.
It would only be stupid to open another one.
Yeah.
Only a moron would do that.
What's a date?
You got a date yet?
Sometime in the summer.
We're in construction right now.
Hey.
I'll show you afterwards.
It's a badass room.
No, we all went.
Oh, you were there?
Yeah.
Sorry.
It's going to be awesome.
Without that suit, I forgot.
We should see it now because it's demoed.
All the walls are prepped.
It's pretty exciting.
Ice left?
Is that water?
What do you got there?
That's water.
Just take a shot, dude.
I like to melt.
Just take a shot.
Don't be scared.
You need ice cubes?
Just dig in with your hands.
We don't care.
Oh, here.
Here.
Oh, yeah.
There's a ton of ice.
What do you got?
Hit me, baby.
There you go.
Thank you.
All right.
All right.
Good sound.
All right.
That is a nice sound.
What is that?
ADR?
Is that what that is?
Where they add sound in later?
We could do these live.
What?
Protect Our Parks.
Yeah.
You don't do live anymore.
No.
Oh, you mean in front of a crowd?
In front of a crowd.
Oh, that would be fun.
That would be fun.
We need a better name.
We got to solidify a name.
Push Me Boys.
I like Push Me Boys.
Protect Our Parks is perfect.
It's terrible.
I like Push Me Boys.
P.O.P.?
Protect Our Parks is good because it's terrible.
Push Me Boys.
That's what people have been saying.
Push Me Boys?
Who's the people?
People you talk to?
You know.
My text message thread says Protect Our Parks.
Yeah.
Mine too.
Ari.
What?
It's time for us to start protecting parks.
Well, we got to find a new park to protect.
We should have another wasted opportunity every week.
How much work did you put in to try to save that park?
I wanted a couple marches.
Did you really?
You got a shirt?
You went on marches?
Yeah.
To protect a park?
Marches don't really work, right?
They don't.
Went to Carolyn Rivera's house and fucking put some fucking garbage in our stoop.
What?
Carolina Rivera, yeah.
Congressman, she's on the take.
You did that to a woman of color?
Yeah.
Uh-oh.
A lot of them are on the take?
You threw trash on a woman of color?
How many congresspeople do you think are legit not on the take?
Small percentage.
Really?
I talked to a UFC fighter once a long time ago.
So, Green Assault, I'm not going to say the name, so it's Green Assault.
Was it right after a fight when he was just making stuff up?
Yeah, it's a credible source.
How many UFC fighters are on steroids?
And he was like, fuck all of them.
I mean, so few or not.
It's just different levels of whatever steroids.
Okay, that was back in the day.
Yeah, back in the day.
Before USADA.
That's true.
That was true.
But for a while, there was a lot of them that are on PDs.
He's like, it's either some or too much, but they're all on something.
At the time, a lot of them were.
There was guys like BJ Penn that were straight, natural.
Yeah, Clay Guida.
There was a certain football cuck.
I would, dude.
You know how nervous you'd be before a fight?
And someone's like, hey, this will help you.
And you've got to keep up with the competition.
That was the problem.
It's like the Tour de France.
Where everyone is doing steroids, you do steroids.
You can't not do it.
BJ Penn is, the Hawaiian dudes are fucking tough.
Oh, yeah, man.
There's scrap over there and there's nowhere to go.
You're on an island.
Scrap, that's what they call it.
There's nowhere to go.
Were you at that Maui Fest?
Yeah.
Yeah, that Maui Fest, I saw a fist fight and it was like a white American guy
and a Hawaiian
guy, like a local Hawaiian guy.
It was the toughest fight I've ever seen.
What a mistake.
Unreal.
But the white guy was hanging in there.
I think he knew some moves.
Yeah, some MMA shit.
But that Hawaiian guy was just like a local dude and he would not go down.
The guy was just wailing on him and he wouldn't stop and the cops had to come.
He's like, my dad beat me worse than this.
Yeah, exactly.
It was wild.
When you live on an island and you talk shit, you can't go anywhere.
You can't leave.
You can't get up.
You gotta hang out.
Yeah, unless you've been on a fucking plane and fly five hours across the ocean.
It's a long flight to get out of there.
Remember that big rock we would climb and jump off?
It was super high and it was scary as shit.
And it took me all day to work it up.
Oh, God.
You jumped?
Did you jump?
I eventually jumped.
But then these local guys would do like eight triple Lindy's off and I was like,
ah, shit.
And the guy was like four years old.
It was brutal.
I would just snorkel and watch him onto the water and come down through the
water.
It was so cool.
Yeah, they'd pick up the fish with their hand.
They were tough as shit.
Dude, that's how I felt when we were skiing.
I'd be up there.
You were killing it, dude.
Nervous.
And then I'd go out and see a group of four-year-olds with no poles, just like
Christmas stories.
Yeah, and then there'd be an instructor with the hills I was on, there were
always kids in classes.
Yeah.
And I'd be like, oh, fuck, fuck, like trying so hard.
Oh, yeah.
And then I'd be like, I'd fall and lay there and then a group of like six,
eight-year-olds would go by.
Right.
I was trying to take a video of Shane.
He's like, no.
Yeah, definitely don't.
Don't.
This needs to go nowhere.
I'm like, all right.
Some tall, standing straight up.
Ari, you've broken a couple things and you still ski.
Oh, yeah.
Wrists?
Yeah.
He's great.
He shattered my wrist last time I was there with you two times ago.
You're not trying to raise Burt.
No, I'm not that good at skiing, but I will go for it.
He's not that good, but he'll be like, yeah, let's do a Black Diamond in the
Rockies.
Yeah.
I'll try jumps.
I don't know how to do it.
And he skis in that suit.
Pretty much.
So you just don't worry about getting hurt?
You can't, man.
You've got to have some fun.
You can't be living like that.
Well, that's how I lived and I had a good time, dude.
I didn't break anything this time.
Do a couple little bunny hills, then go get fucked up at the lodge.
It was great.
Yeah, that was fun.
It was great.
When I shattered my wrist when I was there with Norman, me and Brian O'Neill
were like,
let's see who can get the higher speed.
And I was just straight lining, out of control.
Yo, how fast were you guys going?
This is preposterous.
The surgeon told me I had to be going at least 80.
Wow.
The surgeon?
Yeah, that reconstructed my wrist.
Wait, you couldn't have been going 80 miles an hour, right?
Yeah, that's pretty fast, man.
Dude, I was killing it.
You would have fucking...
It was bombing.
Dude, when I hit that snowboarder, I flew so far before I hit the ground.
I don't know if I believe 80 is possible on skis.
Let's guess.
I bet it is.
It's probably like 40.
Right.
It'd be like a speed skier.
But we were going straight downhill as hard as I could.
Yeah, if you're going straight in the Rockies.
What's the fastest speed anybody's ever achieved on skis?
Let's guess that.
130.
Really?
I'm guessing.
Sonny Bono.
I don't know.
True.
One of the Kennedys, too, remember?
Oh, yeah.
I love going through the woods.
So, let's guess.
What do you think?
What's the speed?
I'm going to go 90.
90 sounds good.
I think they're in the 100s.
Those dudes going straight down those...
The fastest guys, the tuck.
It's like the long drivers in golf where they're hitting 430, and you're like,
what?
That's not possible.
All right.
I'm going to go with 100.
Jamie, what's the fastest?
Here we go.
120.
120.
$1.
Come on now, Jamie.
Average.
It says they get up to 80, but they can go up to 100.
Yeah.
See how it went.
That's the record.
That's what I'm checking.
It's still wild, dude.
That's like a slap shot.
100's so fast.
That's how fast you are.
It's like a curveball or a fastball.
That is a pitch.
And you're not in a shell of a car.
Right.
You're just open when you fall.
Yeah.
It is snow, bud.
How do you stop at 100?
Slam into a snowboarder.
Dude, so my wrist was really hurt.
And Ryan was like, you're fine.
Shut up.
And then I tried to put, later at night, I tried to put the key in the door of
the place where
you were staying in.
And I was like, ow.
And just switch hands.
You would, dude.
You'd be trying to be like, I'm trying to unlock the door.
Ow.
What'd they have to do to your wrist?
Get in there and complete the real surgery.
I don't know.
Screws and shit?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Damn.
Is it okay now?
Mm-hmm.
Is this you?
No.
No.
You got to hand it to Ari, though.
You hung out the rest of the trip.
254.
That's totally so fast.
It said they got up to 160, 158.
That's 160.
This is not a race.
They're literally just going straight downhill.
Wow.
That's got to feel so fast.
I have a scooter, and going 30, you feel like you're in light speed.
And that's 30.
Look at this fucking guy go.
And how long does it take you to stop?
It's like, damn.
I need that sexual helmet.
There's no other skiers on the slope there, so you don't have anyone to avoid.
Right.
They stopped pretty quick.
That was like me, dude.
That's a girl.
Oh.
Wow.
I take it all back.
She's a nice Italian lady, dude.
Well, that makes sense if a girl would be lighter, should go faster.
Does that make sense?
Someone's crashing.
Ivan.
Oh, he crashes?
Oh, here we go.
Oh, boy.
This should be something.
This is going to be nuts.
He's just going straight.
Does he just suck?
He's pumping, too.
He's going for it.
Like, why does he fall?
His legs are so far apart.
That wasn't too bad.
The helmet's gone.
The helmet came off.
You're not doing your job.
It's like Darth Vader.
Yeah, why do they have Star Wars helmets?
Look at those wacky boots they have on, too.
Look at that slick, slick outfit.
That's one thing they do is jumps.
She's done.
She's fucked.
Oh, that's a lady.
She's hurting bad.
Eh, it's a woman.
That's Ivan.
I think it's a guy.
Dude, that's a dude.
That's a girl.
That's a girl.
That's a girl, bro.
Look at her ass.
It's a dude trying to take over those girls' skip-down slopes record.
What is it?
158.424.
That's the fastest.
You ever ski?
That's the fastest.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
Last time I cracked my fucking bone on my shin.
Some lady.
I remember you told me.
You were like, I'm done.
I'm out.
I was going around this corner, and this lady was a beginner, and she was out
of control,
and she was kind of sliding, and she couldn't stop, and she was just going
right into the
path, and I'm going around the corner, and I had to wipe out.
You can't stop.
Shane was that lady.
I had two options.
I was very cognizant of that.
I tried my hardest not to be that.
You weren't that.
Slam into this lady, or I could just go around, and I know I was going to wipe
out.
I wiped out, and I hit the back of my head hard.
I got a concussion, and I cracked my shin.
God damn.
Yeah, the top of my shin where the cartilage meets the shin bone, cracked.
I knew something was wrong, because I was walking, but I was like, this feels
weird.
Were you high or drunk?
No.
Totally sober.
Totally sober.
There was one point where I was going around that little curvy part on the
bunny hills.
You remember that part?
Oh, yeah.
I was going around that.
Some 10-year-old kid did a ramp, and landed right in front of me.
I was like, Jesus Christ.
Dude, I was such an old man.
Yeah.
It's like a kid jumped out.
I was like, God fucking damn it.
And the kid was, I'm sorry, sir.
He just flew right by me.
I was just too aware of the consequences of getting a broken joint.
The kids are better than that, because they're not aware of this.
I've had too many surgeries.
I've had three knee kicks.
Yeah, that's what I was saying the whole time.
I was like, dude, I can't blow out a knee.
Yeah, I've had two ACLs.
But you still had fun.
Two ACLs.
That shit rules.
Meniscus.
Look at you guys.
Look at the gang, dude.
That was the beginning of the mustache.
I bought jersey.
That's how long this thing's been going.
It looks better without the bottom.
The bottom's there, dude.
That's a full beard.
But it's not curly.
Ran Azizi's like, what am I doing here?
Ran Azizi's rethinking this trip.
That was a fun time.
He's wearing jeans, too.
You guys are all wearing jeans.
Ian looks like he's wearing a fake nose and glasses.
Where's the lodge we stayed in?
So where were you guys at?
We were in Park City.
Ah, Park City's nice.
We stayed outside Park City.
I'm trying to plan a full comedy ski festival for next year.
With JFL, maybe.
Comedy ski festival.
Talk to Bert.
Let him plan it.
Bert will plan things.
Good luck with the black.
Bert's got a whole fucking thing going on now.
He's got a whole festival.
Oh, the minor league baseball stadiums?
No.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fully loaded.
Yeah, he's got a festival.
Big Jay's doing it.
You're doing it?
No, he didn't ask me.
It's fucking great.
He showed me the lineup.
I'm like, this is fantastic.
He's got Joey Diaz coming back to do it.
Atel.
Yeah, Atel.
Wow.
I mean, he showed me the lineup.
He showed me the thing.
I'm like, this is amazing.
It's like Bert constantly comes up with new ideas.
He's a mogul.
He's constantly coming up with new ways to make money.
Yeah, it's going to be big.
He's doing the Greek.
He's doing baseball stadiums, doing arenas.
And he's doing these crazy markets that you forget about.
Yeah, none of us play Greenville, South Carolina.
No, or Mississippi, or Tennessee.
Dude, I opened the floor, but we did a rodeo in fucking Abilene.
Yeah, there you go.
A rodeo.
There's no service in the whole fucking place.
Who thinks of that?
But that was the first show I did with him.
I didn't know his crowd at all.
Oh, they're wild.
So I got up there and said some inappropriate things.
They're a little more like, I'm a dad.
They're a little more.
Yeah, they're a little more family.
It's a family fun party, but it's still like.
It overlaps.
Why don't you take it easy on the, like, your sister's doing heroin jokes.
Oh.
Like, something like that.
You'd think that would be relatable.
They're a little more supposed to.
You ever play for Nate's crowd?
No.
Because you're like, yeah, we know Nate as someone who does great on our shows.
But his crowd is clean.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
And so it's like, I mean, even when you try to clean it up, you're open the
line for them.
Like the Brian Regan type crowd?
Yes.
More.
Christian.
Really?
No.
His crowd.
Yeah, they're Christian.
That's true.
It's a lot of Christians.
He doesn't cater to them.
He's not like, oh, Lordy.
When I first, he doesn't do any of that, you know?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
He's not an evangelist.
What was that?
Lord have mercy.
Praise be.
Oh, Lordy.
I was at Starbucks.
The motherfuckers gave me milk.
Oh, Lordy.
You know I need to treat you.
I said, I ain't had milk in public in my goddamn life.
Did you know his podcast?
He makes you like, you gotta be clean.
It was the hardest two hours of my life.
Why did you come up with, oh, Lordy, for Nate Bargatheon?
Just like fanning himself.
Oh, temperature.
I do declare.
I got the vapors.
Actually, also, it probably wasn't Bert's crowd necessarily.
It was just Abilene, Texas.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I was up there like, you know whose pussies?
Troops.
And they were all like, fuck this guy.
It was a God-fearing, military-loving gun coach.
It was the first show.
I just met him, his whole group of dudes.
And you said the troops were pushing?
Yeah, and they were like, we like toss a coin or whatever on who goes first.
I had to open the show.
Oh, you toss a coin for that?
Yeah, it was just like, yeah, we'll flip it.
We'll see who goes every time.
Yeah.
If you toss a coin around me, I'd get it.
Yeah.
Oh, you'd scramble on the ground.
Take that coin.
Mine.
Way to play into it.
Do you pick up nickels?
Oh, yeah.
Do you pick up pennies?
No, I bet anyone's looking.
Nickel, please.
No way.
This is enough, huh?
If people are looking, I won't.
If people, yeah.
If my friends are there, I'll do it.
No, there's no chance.
That I leave a penny?
For real, is that true?
That's not true.
I'm not picking up.
I throw pennies away.
Oh.
I don't know if that's true.
If I see them, I'll chuck them.
I don't know if that's true.
You also eat bacon.
That's how well I'm doing.
I throw pennies out.
That's amazing.
Easy.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
But yeah, fullyloadedfest.com.
It's going to be huge.
What is that?
How many shows are you doing?
That's Bert's thing.
I'm doing a couple.
I'm doing the Greek.
I'm pretty excited.
I'll send you this, Jamie.
Yeah.
Post that.
It's going to be nuts.
The Greek will be really cool.
It's an iconic place.
Bert is playing Red Rocks specifically.
You guys are both doing that?
Oh, yeah.
We're doing Red Rocks.
That is what an iconic place.
I'll see you there.
It's love what you love.
I believe I am.
There he is.
Did he take the shirt off?
That's his promo thing?
Flip-flop.
South Bend, Indiana, dude.
Please let me get on that.
He'll be taking his friends
to the top comics in the country.
Oh, that was a good one.
To amphitheaters, arenas, raceways, and minor stadiums
to bring you the summer's biggest laughs.
What the first one was?
Cold beers, sunsets, music, and a ton of surprises.
Trust me when I say you won't want to talk.
This is a Morgan Freeman impersonator.
So does that guy sue?
Does Morgan Freeman sue?
Nah.
Maybe he should.
This summer.
All right.
We got it.
Then I sent you an image, Jamie,
that'll show all the tour dates the thing he's got.
Nice.
Dude, how about the pop when he takes his shirt off?
It's wild.
You know how people, comedians will be like,
oh, what's he taking his shirt off?
There it is.
Fully alerted.
Look at his fucking shirt's off in the poster.
Yeah, and he was generous.
Fully loaded comedy festival featuring Bert Kreischer,
David Tell, Fortune Femster, Nicky Glazer, Mark Norman,
Big Jay Oakerson, Taylor Tomlinson, and Sal Volcano.
What are the numbers?
Yeah, what are the numbers?
Next to some of the names.
Tell what they're doing.
Four?
Sal's one.
There's eight shows, and they have...
Oh, okay.
It's like one, two, three.
Oh, I see.
But that's a terrible graphic.
Who made that graphic?
That's so confusing.
Idiot.
I can't even see it, and it's huge.
Look at this.
Louisville, Kentucky.
What else you got here?
Who's reading those numbers?
Brandon, Missouri.
Yeah, he's going all the shit holes.
Lawrenceville, Georgia.
Bristol, Tennessee.
I mean, this is going to be nutty.
Fine folks, I'm sure.
Yeah.
Good people.
That's going to be fun, dude.
They'll probably appreciate the fuck out of the show.
You got that right?
It's minor league baseball stadiums.
It's cool.
It's going to be wild, dude.
I bet it is.
You know what's nice about the minor league baseball stadiums?
Yeah, fuck the corporations.
He's doing it on his own.
Oh, yeah.
The gear you'll get, you'll get the fucking South Bend Twisters.
And they have cool t-shirts.
Yeah.
All that shit.
The Staten Island Bagels was a good one for a while.
How many seats do you think he's doing in these places?
A minor league baseball stadium?
Five, six, seven thousand.
No, it's probably like...
Is he filling it up?
If you do a good minor league baseball stadium, it's probably like 15,000.
But you can do the seats, too.
You put like folding chairs on the grass.
Oh, on the floor.
He says he has 400,000 to sell.
That's what he said.
How much?
400,000.
Divided by what?
Eight?
Nine.
Divided by nine.
Wow.
So that's the total.
I'm not even close to that match.
That's incredible.
That's incredible.
Good for him.
Yeah.
I'm so happy he's doing this.
He's that guy.
He just figures out...
As soon as COVID happened, he was like, can't perform indoors.
He goes, I will perform...
He's the one who got the drive-in movie theater.
And people shit on him, and it worked out.
And then his agent gave it to him.
And then he gave it to fucking everybody else.
Yeah.
Just see when I was on my podcast, and Eliza claimed that she invented it on
the podcast.
He's like, no, you were given it by Burt's manager.
Is that what happened?
Yeah.
He was like, why are you telling all the other clients to do my shit?
I got to stop hating.
I saw Sebastian at the garden last week.
It was unbelievable.
I was never like...
How did you stop hating?
Well, I was always hating.
Like, ah, who's this guy?
Where is he coming from?
What's his thing?
It's the same thing I was saying.
Like, with Burt, like, when he takes his shirt off, there's...
That's it.
But you're like, ugh, please.
And then you see it live.
So he gets introed.
Hardest pop I've ever heard.
Yeah.
And then he takes his shirt off after the intro, and it's the second...
It's the first hardest pop I've ever heard.
Right.
And, dude, I'm sitting up there like, what the fuck?
Oh, yeah.
Like, dude, dudes are...
People are in the audience like, ah!
It's an event.
He's the Jimmy Buffett of comedy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get a drink, have a good time.
Margaritaville.
Yeah.
Yeah, no one's sober, right?
No.
No.
Why would they be sober for that?
No.
It's fun.
That's the whole thing.
It's like, you get fucked up.
You talk about...
And he's, yeah.
The machine!
They're going nuts.
He has to say that story.
And then he hits the machine.
He's not still doing it, is he?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, he has to.
Dude, it's the encore.
It's in the contract.
Yeah, they want to see it.
It's a song.
At the end, he hits the fucking beginning of it where he's like, so I studied
Russian in
college.
Yeah.
And he leads like a subtle, like, yeah, I studied Russian in college and the
whole place.
They want to see it.
Here it comes!
Ah!
That all came out of him telling that story on the podcast.
On the podcast, yeah.
Is that right?
Yeah.
It's so weird because we were.
The assumption of like, oh, they've seen it already.
I can't do it again.
I did that story on the podcast and I told him, dude, you got to do that on
stage.
He's like, really?
I go, 100%.
I go, it's a hilarious story.
You got to do that story on stage.
So he starts telling it on stage.
Murders.
Now he can't get away from it.
It's like 10 years ago.
It's still Murders.
Oh, yeah.
It's still Murders.
It's a classic.
It's a Freebird.
It's a Freebird.
Yeah, it's Freebird.
It really is.
What a good way.
Dude, you wish you had a story like where you could be like.
Yeah, but like an encore type thing where at the end of a show, you're doing a
fucking
arena and you're like, all right, hey, it's such an easy walk-off, like kill.
I shifted on this idea when I was, me and Diaz were doing a gig in St. Louis
together
a long time ago and I was out in the crowd while he was on behind people, like,
outside and he started in some story and they were, I forget what it was, but
they were
like, oh, he's doing the so-and-so story.
Like, they weren't like, I've seen this.
They were like, oh, this is awesome.
Yeah.
You're doing the story, I know.
Yeah, like when Dice used to do the nursery rhymes.
They knew the nursery rhymes and they still got pumped.
Dude, they chanted.
They chanted.
They sang along with him.
Oh, dude.
He's doing it at the gardens.
I opened for him at Rock on the Range.
Dice?
Yeah.
And he was, you know, he was fucking with me.
I go up to him, I'm opening.
So I was like, hey, how much time do you want me to do?
He goes, you want a photo?
And I go, no, no, I'll just, you know, just let me know how much time and I'll
get out
of your hair.
He goes, come here.
Give me your phone.
And he takes a photo.
And at the time I was like, is this guy out of it?
But he was obviously, you know.
He's always having fun.
Dicking me around.
And then Good Charlotte or one of these, you know, fucked up bands was headlining
the
fest.
And they saw him in the wings and they go, get out here.
And then he did the nursery and the whole arena.
20,000 people did it with him in unison.
Columbus.
I got chills.
Holy shit.
It was incredible.
Wow.
Yeah, it's funny.
It's funny.
Hickory dickory.
Dude.
It's like Stone Cold music.
Exactly.
You hear the glass break.
When you see something you remember when you were a kid, it's over.
I went to see David Byrne on Broadway.
I'm sorry to cut you off.
Yeah, go ahead.
And it was when he did like the, how did we get here?
I just start fucking crying.
Bro, this happened to me this past weekend.
So my buddy.
There he is.
My buddy was pumped.
La Mer was fired.
He was like, it's fucking WrestleMania weekend.
We were getting fucked up.
And he was like, I was like, shut up about WrestleMania.
You're a fucking old virgin.
Yeah.
And then to get it, he was getting pumped about it.
We started watching YouTube videos of WrestleMania.
Instantly, I was like, oh shit, I remember that.
Because I watched it as a kid.
Nostalgia strong.
Battle Royal with Mr. T.
Bro, then I watched WrestleMania this weekend.
You went to it or just watched it?
No, I just watched it.
It was on Peacock.
I watched it.
Stone Cold came out at the end.
I almost cried.
Yeah.
I was sitting with my girlfriend and the music went off and I was literally
like, it's in
there, dude.
I felt like I was in fifth grade.
Yeah.
It takes you back.
Trying to stay awake to watch Monday Night Raw.
Totally.
Did your girl mock you?
No.
She was like, wrestling's fun to watch.
She was happy he got in touch with his emotions.
Dude, she's a keeper.
He stunners McAfee.
Is that the fucking punter?
That's Pat McAfee, dude.
Pat McAfee.
Wow.
This guy's incredible, dude.
McAfee, I heard, killed it.
He is killing it.
Logan Paul killed it.
Dude, this was the coolest shit.
That is so wild.
Look at the crowd.
It's so fun.
They're all chucking beers at him.
Oh, he dropped when he's losing his edge.
No, anytime he drops one, he just lets it go.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
Man.
So what are they doing?
They're drinking beers together?
Yeah, they chug his beers.
No, they're his beers.
Are these real beers, you think?
Those are his beers.
Yeah, they're his beers.
He has his own beer?
Yeah.
What kind of beer is it?
Stone Cold beer?
Damn, Michael Rappaport looks terrible.
Oh, good for them.
You could have been killed.
And you know what's fun about wrestling?
The coolest thing, and I was thinking about it, is you look at the crowd, it is
diverse,
which is the funniest thing.
That's the craziest part.
Is there any PhDs?
Are there any, like, scholars?
Are there any, like, academics?
I'm sure there are.
I bet there are.
Yeah, because you have the idea that it's all rednecks, but it's like, no, no,
Dan Soder
loves wrestling.
Michael Che loves wrestling.
Pinchcliffe's a giant wrestling.
Ron Funches does pro wrestling.
There's a steady stream of dudes without dads that love it.
If you don't have a dad growing up, you're raised by dudes being like, you
better fucking
study.
Wow, I never thought of that.
Oh, yeah, they were raised by it.
You need a male role model.
Oh, shit, that's it.
And they're the most male role model.
They're perfect, dude.
They're so masculine.
Yeah, super masculine.
They wear costumes.
And they always, like, defend a woman that's always, like, a through-line.
Yeah.
Dude, I got into a fight with Piper.
They're on Percocets.
They're on steroids.
They die.
I got into a fight with Piper one time.
Rodney Piper?
Yeah.
What?
We staged a fight at the Improv.
I dishonored the reputation of a young porn star.
And I was like, that's embarrassing to me.
And he's like, he comes busting out of the room.
He's like, you take that back.
And I'm like, or what, bitch?
And he's like, he taught me how to slap him.
He's like, slap me in the face.
I'm like, I won't.
This is it right here?
What?
It's the Tripoli's old show.
Give me the first Will Smith from the beginning.
From the beginning.
Look at Pre-Conspiracy Theory Tripoli.
Jamie.
Jamie.
Jamie.
Don't sass, dude.
Piper versus racist.
Piper versus racist.
Is that Dana Diarma?
I think it's Dana Diarma.
Oh, she was fun.
She's a fun girl.
She's always hanging around me.
She's close.
Very cool.
I'm sure she was cool as hell.
Dated Yusuf for a while.
Yeah.
That was jealous.
You racist.
What the fuck is wrong with you, you little dick motherfucker?
Whoa.
It's a dream right here.
Howdy.
Did you say one thing?
No.
You saved your fucking match.
Yeah.
Roll game.
Roll game.
Can I say roll game?
Oh, this is great.
Oh, this is hilarious.
This is the best thing for.
Good for you, Ari.
Damn, that's all.
He played the piano with my head.
This is a hate crime.
Oh, this is hilarious.
This is not happening.
He's huffing you from behind.
He's going to pull his dick out.
He's going to beat you in his belt.
Ah.
How bad did that hurt?
That was like it hurt.
You got adrenaline, though?
This is what he taught me.
He goes, hey, you got to flail your arms if I'm hitting you,
because if you don't, it won't look real.
And if you don't, I have to hurt you.
So.
Oh, my God.
Dude, I watched a, so I've, because I've been talking about wrestling
and all that, my algorithm now is starting to get into wrestling.
Look, last thing I need is to get into wrestling.
No, no, no.
What, are you, like, thinking about getting into wrestling?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
But it is fun to watch, dude.
It's fun to watch.
Then why wouldn't you get into it?
I know where this path leads, dude.
He's already got a reputation.
I've seen the dudes into wrestling.
Where's the lead?
You could maybe break the mold.
No, he's the mold.
Look at that.
He's the mold.
I can't imagine something that I like that I don't get into.
Well, no, I don't, look, I don't, anyway, there's a video on Twitter where you
see the
dudes actually, like, because it's improvised.
You don't know that.
In the ring, it's improvised.
No, I think it's pretty choreographed.
No, they improvise.
Yeah, they know who's going to win and what's going to happen, but they improvise,
like,
on the spot.
Like, they'll be grappling, and somebody made a video of them, like, what they
say to each
other, and they're like, throw me in the turnbuckle elbow, and they do it just
like
that.
And they're like, all right, and they know all the moves, so they say it.
They're like, suplex.
And the guy will just do it on the spot.
It's crazy.
That is impressive.
That's the fucking punishment their bodies take.
It's insane.
Dude, I was backstage with Colt Cabana in Edinburgh.
They used to do it every once a week in Edinburgh, they would do a show, and
some guy came out
and, like, got in the way of a two-on-two, and then I'm backstage, and everyone's
like,
what the fuck are you doing?
We had a six-week fucking thing planned, and you fucking ruined it.
And we're all just like, what is this?
Yeah, dude.
They have all these, like, long-term, like, storylines they set up.
The guy ruined the storyline?
Yeah.
He was like, I was just, I thought I could just.
He's like, yeah, you thought.
That's your fucking problem.
You think we needed your fucking help?
It was crazy.
That made sense.
It was so cool to be backstage in that.
The wild thing is to watch them, like, they'll put a guy through a table or off
the fucking
thing, and the second they land, the guy goes, are you all right?
And the guy's either like, yeah, bro, or, like, sometimes they're like, no.
Oh.
Like, I just got fucked up, and they're like, we gotta finish this.
There's one video with, like, the Undertaker and some guy, and he was like, are
you okay?
And the guy's like, no, but you gotta do the Tombstone.
Like, he says it.
So the guy's fucked up.
He probably broke his ribs or his knee.
What a pro.
Dude.
And he's like, you gotta do the Tombstone, even though I'm fucked up.
So he picks him up.
It's crazy.
Dude, I had, when we had the Undertaker on, he talked about his eyeballs
getting shattered.
What?
His orbital got shattered.
He had to get it replaced twice.
Two different orbitals.
One of them, a guy does this thing where he falls back and, like, lands with
his ass on
his face, and it shattered his orbital.
So he had to get, like, mesh put in there.
He couldn't move his eye.
And he had to complete the fucking wrestling match.
Yeah, dude.
Wow.
I was in Montreal doing my storytelling show, and either the big show or Mankind,
one of those
guys who does stand-up sometimes now.
Mankind.
Mankind.
And he finished, just a fun story, you know, and then I was like, anyone who
thinks wrestling
is fake, watch this guy take these two steps down the stage.
And it was so, like, yo.
Mankind was, like, the guy.
Like, he got fucked up.
Foley, too.
It was another one.
Foley.
It was Foley.
Yeah, it's Mick Foley.
That's Mankind.
Oh, sorry.
Yeah.
I was in, I don't know, wrestling.
That's Dude Love, Cactus Jack.
I was in Toronto, and I was doing that weed show.
Remember that weed show that was downstairs?
I'm like, Comedy Underground.
Do you guys ever do the Comedy Underground?
It's done now, I think.
It's done?
I did that once, yeah.
It was a weed show.
You'd go there, everybody was smoking weed.
You literally, there was no air in the room.
It was all just weed.
It was crazy.
People would pass out once every three shows from greening out.
I did a weed show.
There was so much weed.
Where'd you say it was?
Toronto.
Yeah, I did a weed show.
It was in the back of a bong show.
Yes.
Bong shop.
I just did it.
You go to the bong shop.
Two years ago.
It's a different room.
Oh, okay.
There's a few rooms.
This was the best one.
So anyway, Iron Sheik was in the crowd by some stranger.
So he walks up on stage with me and starts talking to me while I'm on.
Oh, here he goes.
Talking shit.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
He had to walk with a cane, man.
He was really fucked up.
Yeah.
He likes comedy.
He's done some roasts, I think.
Joe looks a little retarded there.
No, I look fine.
Anytime you're around a wrestler, you actually, it brings it out.
Anytime you see a wrestler, you're like, it's nice to meet you.
UFC and MNN.
Everybody know they are toughest, toughest in the region, wrestling and
fighting.
But I want to ask Joe, Rogan, what is the toughest sport in the Olympic?
Freestyle, Gercule Roman, or UFC?
Oh, yeah.
That the toughest sport in the Olympics is freestyle wrestling, sir.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Because he knows what he's talking and he knows how to watch it.
Anyway, I want to say it.
Is he still alive?
Yeah.
He's tweeting.
He's tweeting.
He's tweeting.
His tweets are fucking hilarious.
He was crazy.
I really should have to humble you.
Was he, did he wrestle?
Oh, my God.
Iron Sheik?
What?
Like with Iran or something?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
He was a legit amateur wrestler.
He played, oh, that kind of wrestling.
Yeah, real wrestling.
Oh, wow.
He didn't just do that.
He used to do those shield casts with those giant clubs.
You know those wrestling, those workout clubs?
The Iranian ones are these big, giant wooden clubs that are heavy as fuck and
he would do
these workouts that are really hard to do with these giant clubs.
So he was like a legit guy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They all, what's his name is, Gable?
Look at these clubs.
This is his thing.
What the fuck?
Like other guys couldn't do it.
Like they would try to do his clubs and this was like part of like the gag.
Like the Iron Sheik would go, try to do my clubs.
It's so funny because he's actually Jewish.
Is he?
Yeah.
He's a Persian Jew.
Oh, that's hilarious.
And he calls himself an Iranian.
No one is in showbiz.
The Iron Sheik, look, he's got the curly tips of the toes.
Oh, yeah.
So this is Precious Paul trying to do the Iron Sheik's clubs.
Is that Logan Paul's dad?
Could be.
It looks like it.
He's pulling it off.
He's pretty fucking jacked.
There you go.
Jesus Christ, he's jacked.
Yeah, he's voided.
He works out.
You think so?
So what is the Iron Sheik?
But when the Iron Sheik does it, watch how effortlessly he moves these giant
ass fucking clubs.
The guy was in his prime.
He was a tank of a man.
Yeah.
Like a real legit, look, he wipes them all down and shit.
Look.
Damn.
So he's doing the circles.
That's the shield cast.
The other guy was just going up and back.
Good podcast name.
That is so hard to do with things as heavy as that.
The crowd's my favorite, dude.
Look at the lady that looks exactly like me.
Look at the old lady with the glasses next to the cowboy hat.
Look at the old lady with the glasses next to the guy with the cowboy hat.
Look at the guy with the cowboy hat.
That's Hitch Cliff on the left.
Yeah, what to do.
Some old lady.
I'm waiting for something fun to happen.
Right now, this isn't fun.
He's just working out.
That's really hard.
A lot of women there.
A lot of women.
You're right.
So he's just like nothing to do.
Loosely put.
Doing it longer.
Look at the guy with the fucking, right next to his left shoulder that looks
like a young
Howard Stern.
Precious Paul's just trying to figure out how long can he do that.
See, diverse though.
Black people.
Black people.
Where?
Oh, yeah.
All over, dude.
Black people love wrestling, too.
Yeah, they do.
It's crazy.
See how Precious Paul's doing it?
That's a bullshit way to do it.
He doesn't have the role that the iron cheek.
And then they wrestle afterwards?
Is that what happens?
How much weight is that, you think?
Oh, you son of a bitch.
That's what the fun part about wrestling is.
He's like, oh, you motherfucker.
It's like, of course he was going to wrestle here.
Of course he was going to do that.
So he was a Persian Jew?
Persian Jew.
And that's his nephews.
Well, that's from Iran.
Yeah, a lot of Persian Jews.
There you go.
I mean, Persia is around.
He just played a role.
That's what Persia is.
How was Logan Paul as a wrestler?
Dude, it was so good.
I'm sure he's great.
Yeah?
He's going to be a wrestler.
Oh, he should be.
He's a star.
He's a star.
Yeah, he's a star.
His podcast is actually really good.
Yeah?
Really?
The Dana White episode?
You're trying to get on it or something?
Well, no.
The Dana White episode.
I listened to the whole thing.
I listened to a clip.
He had Dana on?
Yeah.
And it's great.
It's an amazing pod episode.
Give it a listen.
He's done a lot of shit, man.
I mean, you've got to give the guy's props.
He's not lazy.
He fought Floyd Mayweather in a boxing match.
I don't care if he's 50 pounds heavier than Floyd Mayweather.
It's still Floyd fucking Mayweather.
Yeah, it's crazy.
Look at that.
Yeah, dude.
Woo.
He was doing splits and shit.
That was pretty impressive.
Look at that.
Whoa.
Oh, Lucha Libre.
Damn, he's a fucking athlete.
Whoa.
Look at that flexibility.
Yeah, he was.
Is that a real Lucha Libre thing?
Or is that just in WrestleMania?
Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Is it like in Mexico?
I had no idea he was that flexible.
That's crazy.
Wow.
Yeah, good for him.
You ever see D'Elia make up with him?
Make up?
Yeah, because him and D'Elia used to go at it, and he's like, hey, whatever I
said
before, the guy's a star.
Forget it.
Oh, wow.
Wow, what did D'Elia used to say about him?
He used to just be like, fuck this idiot, fuck this kid who's like an
influencer.
Yeah.
That was easy to do, though.
I know.
It's not D'Elia's fault.
I was wrong.
This guy's awesome.
Him and his brother are fucking animals.
I mean, what they've been able to do is incredible.
His brother knocked out Tyron Woodley.
Hard.
Did you knock him out?
With one punch.
That's crazy.
He knocked out one of the greatest.
He was like a vicious.
Vicious.
A striker.
He's not a wrestler.
He's a striker.
Well, he was a wrestler.
Oh.
He just had a lot of power.
But the fact that he knocked out one of the greatest welterweight champions of
all time
with one punch is fucking bonkers.
And it was a...
Like, look at that.
Watch this.
Watch this.
Oh, I did see that.
Okay.
Jake.
That sucks being sponsored by Dude Wipes.
Come the fuck on.
Yeah, right?
When you get knocked out, all of a sudden the sponsors are kind of embarrassing.
And you're showing that sponsorship.
Dude Wipes.
He's like, couldn't you fall backwards?
Face plant with Dude Wipes in your butt.
See, he's got the power out of the two of them.
Like, Logan is a really good athlete, but he's not as good of a boxer.
But Jake Paul, on top of being a better boxer, he's got, like, legit power.
Like, he sleeps people.
Look at this.
Boom.
Oh, he dropped that lift.
Bro, that is face plant.
That's out cold.
And that's Tyron Woodley.
That's, like, one of the greatest welterweight champions ever.
He didn't even seem surprised he did it.
He walked away like, that's what I was going for.
Great white hope.
Oh, he left it wide open.
Joe, what did he do there?
Go block the stomach?
He thought he was going to the body.
Yeah, he thought he was going to the body.
And he thought he was going to drop his hand down to stop the body shot.
Because I think he probably went to the body just before that.
He set him up.
So he even dips like he's going to hit the body.
And then he goes over the top.
See how he did that?
Amazing, amazing.
So he dipped like he was ripping to the body.
How do you protect that otherwise?
Drop the right?
You've got to get the fuck out of there.
Get the fuck out of there and put your hands up.
Yeah.
Because the thing is, like, Tyron was not conditioned for this fight
because he took it on fairly short notice.
It wasn't that much.
He was supposed to fight someone else.
He was supposed to fight.
Who was he supposed to fight?
Right, Tommy Fury, and then he backed out with COVID or something.
Tommy Fury, something happened to Tommy Fury.
He had to get out.
And then Tyron took it on, like, just a few weeks' notice.
And there's no way he was conditioned for that fight.
So when you're not, like, fully camp-conditioned, you take breaks.
Like, and you're in the fight, like, there's times where maybe you should move
and you go, I'm just going to take a fucking break here.
And you're, like, trying to, like, gather up your energy
and you manage it over the course of the three minutes.
You can't just go out.
Like, when you see, like, if you see a fighter like Manny Pacquiao
when he's in his prime and he's fucking supremely conditioned,
there's no thought about conserving energy.
Manny's just thinking about how to fuck you up.
Just thinking about how to fuck you up because his conditioning is off the
charts.
I mean, he's not sprinting.
He's conserving some energy, but that's not his primary concern.
His primary concern is just, like, hitting you.
When a guy gets to a point where, you know,
most likely he's not training every day hard when he doesn't have a fight
schedule,
then he gets a fight schedule and it's only two weeks' notice,
you can kind of get in shape in two weeks,
but not, like, the kind of shape you need to be able to fight in.
So he was taking a break.
Because he also must have thought, like, it's not an MMA guy.
It's a pole.
He already fought him.
He fought him and he lost.
But there were moments in that first fight where he's pulling.
When Tyron would turn it on, he was the better fighter.
It would have been a different fight if Tyron had the time to prepare.
I guarantee you.
I guarantee you.
Because he would have more conditioning, more confidence to hit the gas.
Like, when you don't have condition, if you don't have a full camp,
you still are in shape.
You're a fucking professional athlete.
He's still a fucking stud of a man.
But he doesn't have the kind of conditioning that you need to go a hard fight.
You condition your body three minutes hard work, one minute rest.
Three minutes hard work, one minute rest.
World work, plyometrics.
You get conditioned.
There's no way he was conditioned for that fight.
But that's part of their attack is I think people underestimate.
And that's how they kind of get an edge.
Everybody.
The wrestler guy, the real wrestler, whatever his name is,
where he got knocked out.
Askren.
Askren.
All these guys are like, whatever, you're nothing.
And it's like, guys are actually working hard.
I actually think Askren didn't give a fuck.
I actually truly.
Yeah, he looked doughy.
Dude, I.
Listen, Askren had a hip replacement.
He took the fight after a hip replacement.
And not that long after a hip replacement.
There's no way he was in shape for that fight.
And Askren.
He got paid.
He lost and he was like, so.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Smart guy.
Askren is a very smart guy.
Askren's awesome.
And he's funny.
Very smart.
Yeah, he is funny.
Does Tyron really make more in those two fights than his whole UFC career?
Supposedly.
Most likely.
Wow.
That's what he said.
Wow.
That's what he said.
Yeah.
I don't know what the number is.
Wow.
See, I like those, Paul, because it's kind of like the YouTube comics.
He offered Chris Rock and Will Smith $40 million.
Who did?
Paul?
Jake Paul did.
Chris Rock's like, I don't care about Will Smith.
Well, even if he did, Chris Rock is very small.
It's not fair.
Right.
The difference is like 60 pounds.
He never trained to play the greatest boxer of all time.
Right.
Will Smith.
Put up Will Smith as Muhammad Ali.
Dude, Will Smith is a fucking athlete.
Beast.
When he was playing Muhammad Ali, it was one of those rare moments.
There's like a few guys that have pulled it off.
Daniel Day-Lewis did it great in the boxer.
Mark Wahlberg did it great in the fighter when he played Mickey Ward.
He did a fantastic job.
But show the video of him moving around.
Because there's video from the fight.
And he was fucking good, man.
That's crazy.
That picture of him taking the robe off.
Literally, he got like the kind of still baby fat, but jacked.
Like Ali.
Exactly like Ali.
Dude, he did a fantastic job as Ali.
And that's him against Sonny Liston.
Good cinematography.
Yeah.
But he's a good athlete, man.
I think it's a Michael Mann.
That's why this is so not fair.
I think it is.
To have a boxing match between this man and Chris Rock is crazy.
Yeah.
Jake Paul.
Look at Hamward Cosell with his terrible wig.
Look at that.
That's got to be him fighting Sonny Liston, right?
That must be...
Ali fucking ruled.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
He was amazing.
That was one thing Kanye said.
Kanye in his documentary was like, where are all the Muhammad Ali's?
Where's like the fun guys?
Like the cocky guys?
Yeah.
They're kind of done.
Hey, man.
This is hard to make a guy like that.
Yes.
Do you know how fucking hard it is to be a guy like that and also be brilliant?
Who's the right wing guy in MMA?
Colby.
Colby Covington.
He's doing it well.
He talks a lot of shit.
Yeah, but he's fun.
But he's a good fighter.
He's fun.
He promotes a fight well.
He's a fucking elite.
He's not just a good fighter.
If it wasn't for Kamaru Usman, he'd probably be the welterweight champ of the
world.
Kamaru Usman is just so fucking good.
He's, in my mind, he's the GOAT.
When you look at welterweight champions, yeah, there's like Georges St-Pierre
and there's
Kamaru Usman.
I feel like the way Usman dispatches people, man, it's hard to argue that there's
someone
who you would give an advantage over him.
Like if George and him fought in their prime, God, what a fight that would be.
What a fight that would be.
Yeah.
I mean, if I had a bet, who knows who I'd bet on.
It might be Usman, though.
He might be the most likable fighter, though.
Listen to him talk.
St-Pierre.
Oh, he's amazing.
He's just so cute and nerdy and nice.
Yeah, he's great.
Usman's very likable.
Dude, he came on, GSP came on the bonfire.
Really?
Yeah.
Did he really?
He was in Sirius, and he just came in, and I happened to be on that episode.
Oh, wow.
I was like, George, I'll fuck you up.
Like, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
I was like, dude, don't make me fuck you up.
And he was like, who is this guy?
Yeah, yeah.
It was just that thing.
His accent's great.
Instead of talking about me, talk about dinosaurs.
Yeah, yeah.
He loves dinosaurs.
If you said that to any other UFC fighter, they'd be like, fuck you, puss.
He was just like, boy, this guy is funny.
Yeah, and he hates fighting, apparently.
He's like, I don't like doing it.
He's so intelligent and so friendly.
He's like, you would never believe that he's one of the greatest fighters who's
ever walked
the face of the earth.
That video of you showing him whatever kick, and then he's like, interesting.
And then the next fight, he breaks it out.
Yeah.
I've worked with him a couple times on that.
That was like my signature move in my Taekwondo days, was the turning sidekick.
Wow.
And then the fact that he was like, nope, I get it.
I don't care who's telling me.
That's a cool move.
I'll do it.
Well, that was the fun conversation.
It was such a silly conversation.
It's like, I was talking to John Donaher, and John Donaher pulls me aside.
He goes, I want to work with George on his spinning back kick technique.
Do you know anybody who could help me with that?
And I said, this is going to sound crazy.
I know how this sounds.
I go, but I have one of the best spinning back kicks you've ever seen.
I go, I know that sounds so crazy.
I know that sounds so dumb.
I'm a comedian.
I'm telling you this, but it's true.
And so I think John already knew that, though, before he asked me that question.
I think it was a setup.
Can we see it?
Yeah.
There's a video of it.
There's a video of me showing George.
And we were at this sweaty fucking gym called Legends.
That was the problem.
While I was showing it to him, the whole floor was-
It was before, it was after the Bomb Squad.
After Bomb Squad.
After Bomb Squad.
Then we went to Legends.
That was on the East Side.
East of LA.
So this is me and George.
Upstairs, right?
What year?
Oh, 2011.
How about-
No, it wasn't 2011, was it?
Is that when it was uploaded?
It was on your channel.
Oh, it was on my channel.
Well, it must be 2011.
Four million views here.
Yeah.
So George gets his phone out because he wants to film it.
I think it's probably happened before that.
He's smiling.
He's the best.
Before that.
Seriously.
They go to the hospital.
No, I already did it, Jamie.
Go to the beginning.
Yeah.
Ari's got a small bladder.
No, it's in the beginning.
I know the video.
I haven't gone yet.
I've only had one piece.
Look at this.
It's when he first sees me do it.
Yeah, so this is it.
You know what else is cool about St. Pierre?
He's a complete product of bullying.
Yes.
He was bullied and he just made him a badass.
Do you know he met his bully one day out in the street when he was driving his
Range Rover?
Oh, my God.
And his bully was walking on the street.
This is my worst nightmare.
And he talked to the guy and he forgave him and just talked to him.
Good for him.
Yeah, I think he even helped him out and gave him some money.
Wow, that's the ultimate win.
Yeah, no, it is the ultimate win.
Well, it's just like anybody who's like that is mean.
Most of the time someone was mean to them.
Yeah, and they're fucked up.
Someone fucked them up.
That's that old hurt people hurt people.
Yes.
You know?
It's all internal.
It's something they're going through shit.
Listen, man, if it wasn't for bullies, I never would have done martial arts
either.
I got into martial arts because I was terrified.
Really?
Yeah, because I didn't have any friends.
I was always moving around and I was little.
And so all these guys would fuck with me.
I'm like, oh, this is a problem.
I've got to learn how to fight.
Right.
That's why I like comedy.
You'd get out of fighting getting beat up by telling jokes and shit.
Most of the time.
But it's always good to be able to touch yourself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I would tell jokes and then get beat up.
The worst is telling a joke and then getting punched in the face.
Yeah, that was me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was a little worried that it was going to be open season on people smacking
people
after that.
There were so many people that were supporting Will Smith.
I wasn't worried at all.
No?
Were you?
No, I mean.
Big guy.
Yeah, but also like.
No, I don't think it's.
Because he's so hated now.
He's like a joke.
So I think anybody's scared of doing that.
But he's not hated universally.
This is one of the things that I found about this whole Will Smith, Chris Rock
thing.
That's so strange.
It's like, it seems like no matter what happens, there's going to be a certain
group of people
that side with the.
But that's anything.
Yes.
People think 9-11 was good.
Some people.
Some people do.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That is the thing.
That's like, there's so many people that have an opinion.
Ari.
No Jews in the building.
There's so many people that have an opinion that anytime something happens, you're
going
to find some hot take that makes you want to vomit.
Yeah.
There's a lot of people that were supporting Will Smith.
Don't talk about a man's wife.
Like, don't talk about a man's wife.
Like, really?
A joke about G.I.
Jane?
Yeah.
A movie where you got a really hot lady.
To me, Moore.
Who's one of the baddest women that's ever been a star of a movie.
She becomes a fucking Navy SEAL.
There's nothing negative about that.
And you can see some nip in the movie cover.
Really?
Right.
But it's like, there's nothing negative about G.I.
Jane.
G.I.
Jane was a badass movie.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Honestly, you'd be like.
She tells the guy to suck her dick.
Remember that?
Right.
That was hot.
And that's enough to cause violence?
Yeah.
It's like comparing a man to Rambo.
Settle down, Rambo.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Right.
Nobody gets upset.
How dare you call me jacked and awesome.
Yeah.
You see a handsome guy with a great body and a long flowing lock of hair.
Sure.
Damn, Rambo rules.
Call him Rambo.
Can you pull up the G.I.
Jane movie poster?
There it is.
Look at that.
Nip.
I told you.
What nip?
Two thumbs up.
Oh, wow.
To me more.
Failure's not an option.
Dun, dun, dun.
Hell yeah.
You know how many lesbians rubbed one out to that?
What a dumb thing to get upset about.
What a fucking moron.
It's a great movie.
Unhumilous content.
Total moron.
It's a movie where she's a hero.
She's a beast.
She's looking to get upset.
That's all it is.
Well, let's be honest, though.
It's an old reference.
Why don't they she got it?
No, dude.
They for sure had a discussion before that show.
Yeah.
They for sure did.
They made a TikTok.
Of course, whoever the writer was, he was like, I wrote that joke.
Did you see the TikTok?
What?
I don't know.
I heard it was a guy from Philadelphia.
Who wrote that?
Yeah.
Somebody at the stand told me, like, hey, my buddy said I wrote that joke for
him.
Oh, my God.
That's hilarious.
He tweeted it.
It's not a great joke.
It's not the best joke.
I couldn't even believe you said it.
But it's like when you watch him laughing at it and then her giving him the
look and then
he goes up on the stage like, you know, there was a TikTok.
Did you know there was a TikTok of the two of them before the Oscars talking
about they
were going to cause chaos?
No.
Uh-oh.
Easy, Jojo.
What?
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Watch this.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
No.
Let's go back to the Klan talk.
I think the reason why he did that when he went up there so quickly and so irrationally,
I think this was something they discussed.
Oh.
Who's that?
Yeah, it was like now.
Chris, or Will, rather, and Jada.
Okay.
Because he was, I mean, he was obviously laughing.
So, yeah, Will Smith and choose chaos.
Here it goes.
Play.
Oh, it said, the video says.
I don't know if they actually, it was posted in words, I think, on his
Instagram account.
I don't know if the.
He probably took it down.
No, it was a TikTok and it said that they would choose, they were going to
start chaos.
Wait, what was that though?
Ricky Gervais says he, I would not have made fun of her hair?
I would have choked about her boyfriend.
That's a better joke.
Oh, okay.
I didn't read the rest.
He went viral after this.
He didn't even do anything.
Hold up.
Scroll back up.
Will Smith brags about causing chaos at the Oscars just hours before slapping
Chris Rock
over his Jada Pinkett joke.
Yeah.
Yeah, they literally discussed that.
They're going through a lot.
They're not showing the video.
That's what I think it was just, it was just a.
Yeah, he's going through a lot, dude.
Yeah.
He's fucked up.
He's fucked up.
And that's fine.
It's a nothing joke.
Yeah, but you can't hit people when you're fucked up.
Even if it was, you don't do that.
God all dressed up to choose chaos.
What, is he running for Legion of Skanks president?
We won.
We did win.
We did win.
It's.
Late slide.
Crazy, right?
Late slide victory, abdicated out of thrones.
If she made him do that, if like she said, if someone talks shit about me, you're
going to walk up on that stage, you're going to smack them right in the face.
Whoever it may be.
Oh, I wish it was Schumer.
How fun would that have been?
That would have been another story.
That would have been another story.
Oh, that would have been a different outcome.
It's taking a month off.
Yeah.
What a loser.
Man, we made it three hours before we got a Trump.
Hey, there you go.
I was doing all the fucking hey-hays.
I was doing your whole, all your fucking act.
Hey, Donald, what do you think of that dumb mustache on Shane?
Still in my act.
The mustache is very good.
A lot of people say it's handsome.
Most people say it's handsome.
Did you know right away you could do his voice?
Is that one of the ones?
Oh, no, no, no.
Did you practice it?
No, it just, it got better.
It gets better.
Yeah.
But there's voices I hear and I go, I can't do that one.
That one's outside of my realm.
Yeah, I can't do a lot of voices.
I can't do any voice.
I can't either.
Do me.
Yeah, do me.
Cues are gross.
Fuck this, you guys are fucking idiots.
No, the only thing I can do is I can probably get you a yell.
When you start yelling.
I get a high pitch.
Yeah, when you start screaming, that might be easy.
That's the only Trump I can do is his yell.
No, no, no, you can do a great job.
No, but his rally voice, his rally voice is easy.
When he's doing the rally, he's like, that's what I said, I said it.
And then he steps away.
Right, right, right.
Oh, I see.
His speeches when he's like, doing like, he's got the, he always inhales.
He sucks in through his teeth.
Oh yeah, he always just breathes through his lower teeth.
Yeah, his lower teeth are a big part of it.
Do you study the little details of it before trying that?
Or do you just like, no, I think anytime I see somebody talk, I can pick up
their mannerisms.
I think that's normal.
Did you see the thing that he did?
We were talking about it last night.
There was a guy in the audience.
He goes, where's my gays for Trump?
Where's my gays for Trump?
And the guy's out there and he goes, you don't look gay.
It's a black guy with a cowboy hat on.
How good is that?
It's fucking amazing.
And then just the camera going back to the dudes filming it being like, what
did he say?
And the other guy's like, just the other dude being like, dude, he said you don't
look gay.
DeStefano, DeStefano put a picture up or a video of him watching this on his
Instagram.
How's this guy not president?
How is he not president?
Well, he stopped the steal.
He might be.
Do you think he's going to win again?
You get a couple of Texas Bud lights, dude.
If he runs out against Biden, he'll win.
Thank you, Brian.
Where's gays for Trump?
You don't look gay.
I mean, you don't look gay.
You don't look gay.
Did you see the video of him going above the environment?
Did you see the video about the environment?
Where he goes, you saw it?
Yeah.
Where he just curses.
The ocean's going to rise one millionth of one percent over the next 500
fucking years.
The chick behind him is like, yeah, that's what we like.
He kills.
Yeah, he kills.
He does well.
He's got some great fucking lines.
And also, I mean, if you can, yeah, whatever.
I'm not going to get fucked up and start being like, listen.
The guy's making some good points.
Remember how good shit was?
He should be a social media figure.
He should be just complaining about everything and have someone who actually
knows how to.
He should have a show.
But something's going on.
I mean, fighting on flights is up like 20,000 percent.
Yeah.
People are hanging.
There's an article in The Atlantic I saw, like, what's wrong with everybody now?
Everything is up.
Social media.
It might be social media, but it's also, it's also, it's also fucking the
economy is, there's
inflation right now.
Airlines stink.
I think it's lack of interaction.
I think it's lack of social beings.
I think we're not being social.
They're two years off of being around people.
Everybody was supposed to come together.
We did a podcast right at the beginning of COVID.
We're like, well, this will end all the fucking gender pronouns.
Nothing matters compared to this.
And then within two minutes, everyone's like, nah, let's start fighting again.
Yes.
But if the, like, you know how, like, before COVID, everyone was like, this
country needs
a war.
We need something real to happen so everyone shuts the fuck up.
COVID, when that happened, you guys were probably like, oh, this is something
real.
That's it.
Yeah.
This is going to fuck everybody up.
It's like, nothing.
We just sat and watched Netflix.
Yeah, but it destroyed, it destroyed the economy.
It destroyed people's livelihoods.
It destroyed work environments and social environments and hobbies and all
these different things that
people want to do.
So the amount of people that are unhappy in comparison to the amount of people
whose lives
were going well in 2019 before it went back, it's probably in the millions.
Yeah.
Mark, you're out of anybody's throat.
He's doing great.
The stack of unhappy people and the people who this really fucked their life up.
Yeah.
It's just changed the tone of the country.
The whole country feels different.
Also, everybody was at home, so they were online even more.
Yes.
And that online thing that riles you up, you're more exposed to it.
So you're more like, you saw all the alt comics getting angrier and angrier at
the regular
real comics.
Yeah.
And then you saw the real comics being like, yeah, maybe I am a right-wing guy.
Eventually.
There's a bunch of those, too.
Interesting.
Because they got upset at the fucking alt comics always at their neck.
Yeah.
It's annoying.
And then you see the headlines and you're like...
The ones that are at people's neck, the ones that are at people's neck, though,
they're
never good.
They're almost never good.
Almost never good.
They're almost never like a really solid comic.
Because they're online all the time.
They're not writing.
They put their energy into that.
No one's writing.
No one's performing.
No one's getting up.
No one's tweaking.
But even when they do, it's just not good.
It's not good stuff.
I don't think of one really good comic that was at everybody's neck during this
time.
Yeah.
No.
Hold on.
Let me think about that.
Do you?
Well, you see, it's a lot of men versus women.
But then Michelle Wolf is funny.
She's doing great.
She's working.
Michelle never attacks anybody online.
She never attacks people.
She's hilarious.
She's great.
She does never attack people.
But it's like the ones who do, it's like that's where...
It's almost like they're trying to stop people that they don't agree with more
than
they're trying to build themselves up.
We live in a society where if you saw somebody just get off a woman, like raping
her, and
they'd be like, get that guy.
Like, shouldn't we help the rape victims?
Like, nah, 70-30, we should punish the rapist more than we should help the
victim.
I don't understand.
We're into punishment.
We're into helping people.
What?
We're less into helping people than we are into hurting people.
Hurting people is big.
So we want to punish the accused instead of helping the victims.
But we also want to grab the accused to make sure he doesn't continue to victimize
people.
But even this Chris Rock thing, everybody's like, who was wrong?
Will Smith?
Oh, maybe Chris Rock shouldn't have gone too far.
But nobody's like, hey, how's Chris doing?
Yeah, they all consoled Will.
He got slapped in the middle of a fucking show.
No one's like, how's he, is he all right?
That was terrible.
What happened to him?
Well, Amy Schumer took a month off because of the trauma.
How's she doing now?
What trauma?
I think she's doing okay.
He goes, dude, he goes.
What trauma?
Do it.
Just full on.
How's she doing now?
She's doing great.
That's what it was.
Taking a month off is fucking nuts.
Who takes a month off stand-up?
What?
People need attention.
We're feeding her.
She's getting a lot of feed.
A lot of feed.
Well, any time you have to announce that you're taking time off, it's like, how
fucked up are
you?
Just don't call them for spots.
Yeah, just don't take time off.
Do you think there's, how does that work, though?
Do you think there's publicists that handle this?
I think so, yeah.
Is there a discussion?
Yes.
What do we do next to move the needle?
Yeah, but how are you, like, in those discussions, like, I've had an obviously
significantly lower
level, obviously, but, like, when they're like, hey, this is what we should do,
I'm like,
no.
Yeah, why do you say that?
Like, shut the fuck up.
I'm just going to go do a set.
Yeah, don't do anything.
What are you guys doing?
Dude, that's the set.
That's the set.
Like, when that happened, there was all these plans.
Like, this is what we need to do.
I was like, definitely don't do that.
No.
I'm not going on the news.
Oh, yeah.
They told you not to go on stage?
How great was that set we did?
Oh, the night of.
They were like, definitely don't go on stage.
I was like, this is.
That's all I have.
This is the only thing that's going to make me not sad.
Yes.
And then me and Ari came on stage.
It was great.
It was so fun.
I remember a night of, I was so livid, because finally one of ours, finally a
mainstream, real
comic, got on that show, and we're like, sweet, and then they took it away.
It was like a punishment for all of us.
It was like when they killed Pesci, you know?
And we're like, wait, he was one of ours.
And so then I was like, Shane, I was just livid.
And I was like, get up here, let's have fun.
Yeah.
That was a cool night.
That was one of my favorite sets of that year.
Yeah.
There were people there that they hit me up, and they were like, dude, that was
a cool thing.
Isn't it interesting?
When things go sideways, a lot of people want you to disappear for a while.
A lot of people, but not everybody.
The hate online is so overwhelming that you're like, I guess the world hates me.
And then you go on, they're like, yeah!
Oh, as soon as you walk on stage, they're like, let's go.
Chris Rock is getting huge ovations.
Louis gets huge ovations.
It's not all real.
My first set after all that Kobe stuff happened was just a poppin' set.
Did you?
Poppin' set at the upstairs of the stand, so I wasn't on the lineup.
It was like a two-minute, not standing ovation, two-minute ovation.
I'm like, yeah, you're here.
And I'm like, oh.
Oh, you guys are just regular comedy fans.
Here's the hard part about that is because people will be like, see, cancel
culture's
not real.
It helps.
It's like, no, dude.
These are people that like you that are like, no, we still love you.
You're a minority.
And it's not like, it doesn't help, dude.
Yeah.
Obviously, it doesn't help.
No.
That shit sucks.
It sucks.
I hate the cancel culture is not real argument.
Because they go, he's not, he's doing, he's working.
It's like, all right, you're using the cancel word too literally.
His life is ruined.
He's sad.
Yeah, dude.
He's scared.
He's different now.
Yeah.
You go on stage, you're looking at people whispering to each other.
They're talking about the tab.
Yeah.
And in your head, you're like, they're saying, he's explaining to her that I'm
a piece of shit.
It's mentally very damaging to have hundreds of thousands of people calling you
an asshole.
Guys, you can't talk at the same time.
Fair.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Go ahead.
Yeah, but we're fired up.
It's character assassination more than anything.
It's not, you can't, you're canceled.
You can't work.
It's like, hey, you're a bad guy and we all say how bad you are.
That's canceling.
It's like, you suck as a guy.
Yeah, it's the scarlet letter.
It's a public.
Dylan put a thing up on his Instagram when the Louis C.K. thing went on and it
was how I became friends with him.
He said there are a lot of mediocre talents that are chiming in on Louis C.K.
to try to knock him off the high perch
because they know that he possesses skill and talent as a comedian so much
better than they'll ever be.
It's amazing.
And so they resent him and there's part of what's going on is like, if you look
at the most violent of people that were attacking him, they're all terrible.
There was like a bunch of like really mediocre comics that were going after him
hard.
And I was like, this is interesting.
And then when Tim Dillon said that, I'm like, of course, that's exactly what it
is.
He nailed it.
And he was seeing it in New York at the time.
He's living in New York.
Right.
And it was very hot because like Louis would come in and he would bump
everybody.
He would go on whenever he wanted.
He's the king.
He calls in.
Louis calls in.
He does call in.
He would never bump.
He would be on the lineup.
He does 15 and he gets off.
Beautiful.
And he does 15 and he gets off.
Is this now or this before?
Definitely now.
Maybe before.
We're talking about the, he used to bump people.
But even if he bumped, he wasn't doing an hour.
He was doing 15.
You're right.
You're right.
But it's not, I'm not saying it is a pejorative.
It's a positive.
Like to see Louis C.K.
At a fucking show at the Cellar is a great thing.
He wasn't the guy that ran the life and did an hour and 45.
He's there to work on a joke.
But the point is like, these guys all had to watch that happen.
When you guy comes, shows up and everybody's like, oh, it's Louis C.K.
You wish it was you.
Like there's a thing.
When a comic is there and they're on their way up and they see a guy who is
achieving levels
of success that are probably never going to happen in their life.
Yeah, he's doing giant theater shows.
He's doing Madison Square Garden.
He's got a show on FX.
He's doing Netflix specials.
This is Louis fucking C.K.
And you wish you were that big and you wish you were that good.
And then as soon as something happens with him, those are the ones.
Yeah, but how do you do that?
Shane and I talked about this.
It's the piling on.
It's the, oh, you can't fight back.
So now we're going to pile on.
Oh, I never liked the guy anyway.
It's like, what does this have to do with us?
Yeah, once the green light's on you, green light is them.
Exactly.
The thing is, you get to see those people who they really are.
That's who they really are.
Yeah.
And it's like most of them are barely comics.
They're barely comics.
They're just like, they're okay.
You know, they can get by on the perfect night with a good crowd with some
jokes that don't
make us laugh, but they're existing in this world.
They're just selling some shows and they're moving some.
You know those fucking people.
It's never getting any better for them.
You know, there's a period where they've reached peak performance for what
their brain,
what their spirit has to offer.
That's it.
But it is.
It's all you got, bitch.
It's doable.
Why not get good?
Why not try to get good?
Because they're in their own way.
The same reason why they want to attack someone like Louis, not just say, hey,
I think what
he did is wrong, but like it's the attack over and over, the constant attacks
on Twitter,
constant attacks on social medias and blog entries by comics.
A lot of them were piss poor.
A lot.
A lot.
Some are also going-
Like a good number, right?
99%.
A lot of comedy struggle in general.
A lot of them though, it's like-
Yeah, comedy's hard.
If you weren't being watched, meaning you're not publicly tweeting this, if you're
talking
privately, your stance would be the most obvious normal take.
But since you know you're being watched, you're like, let me say the opposite
of what everyone's
saying.
It's not what you actually believe.
What do you mean?
Like if you had to-
Chris Rockwell-Smith, you'd be like, the easy and most obvious take is, don't
ever hit
a performer.
Right.
Or anybody.
But then some people are like, well, you have to, you know, they try to think
of some other
thing to say because that's too obvious.
But obvious is not wrong.
There's that.
But I mean, with the Louis C.K. thing, like there was, for sure, there was a
whole movement
trying to move the ladder.
You know, whatever your spot was on the ladder.
Oh, right, to get up ahead.
There was guys trying to move to get ahead and trying to push a lot of these
toxic men
to the side.
It happened with the Lee and Callan.
They're like, sweet, more spots for us.
I saw it from the store comics.
They're like, sweet, more spots for us.
There was also, there's a thing about like, you move up.
And this is what Tim Dillon put on his Instagram post.
I was like, I think that's exactly what I'm saying.
That's one of the things that I didn't like about it.
It wasn't that like, hey, his behavior's gross.
He should have never fucking done that, which pretty much everybody says,
including him.
Everybody says it, including him.
He did say that.
That's not what it is.
He wrote a fucking letter.
Yeah.
That's not what it is.
What it is, is people that see him and they've been watching him murder in a
way that they
can never murder.
Oh, nobody can.
I don't like him, so put me digitally into the movie he was already in.
You know, instead of like, no, I wasn't a part of this.
Tim had a great tweet the other day.
It was like, stand-up comedy in the 80s was this.
And then stand-up comedy now is like, vote for your local council person.
I was like, I screenshot it.
I was like, that's so good.
Tim Dillon is a national treasure.
There are some people that I follow, even comics that I follow on Twitter,
where I just
go check their feed just to watch mental illness just spray its diarrhea all
over the screen.
It's wild to watch people.
Like, there's one guy that I'm friends with.
He's a nice guy.
But he is the most Democrat support.
It's like someone who's a Pirates fan, Pittsburgh Pirates.
And he's like, oh, it's fucking go Pirates.
It's all, it's the whole thing is like, go Democrats.
He's a Pirates fan.
It's wild.
You know you guys suck, right?
It's wild.
You know you guys are going to win 20 games this year?
I've never been to the World Series since Cal Ripken was alive.
It's like, no, we're the best.
But you know those guys?
That's what he is with the Democrats.
They'll be like, look at Biden kicking ass this week.
It's like, bro.
He writes, best period administration period ever.
It's like getting blown out 35 to 7.
You're like, look at this awesome touchdown we had.
Yeah.
Wow.
Politics have become a tribe completely.
For sure.
It used to just be a thing.
I know.
That was the thing I'm confused about.
It was like, when I was young, I didn't, it wasn't there.
Same.
You didn't talk about it.
It's not my interest.
I saw a Dan Quayle bumper sticker and I moved on with my life.
That was it.
I thought that that's just, I was just young.
Yeah.
So now that I'm an adult, I'm like, I guess adults, this is what we do.
But it's different.
But of course it's different.
But that's the confusing part is like, was it always like this when you get
older?
I don't think so.
And you're like, we got to talk politics?
It's a dumb, I got to go on a date and be like, are you a Trump supporter?
Ten empty beers over there?
It's a ten beer podcast.
We're getting going, dude.
We always get the same with him.
We're just firing up.
What time is it?
Let's get it going, dude.
It's early.
We've got the whole day left.
He's got ten empty beers over there.
That's why I'm talking politics.
Shane is going to die in his Australian tour.
Or he's going to kill Australia.
What is that?
That's been going off.
What is going on with that watch?
It goes off every time for his insulin.
I dropped it drunk a week ago and it's been beeping.
It goes off constantly.
I know.
Is that like a relic?
Yeah, it's a throwback.
Do you like it because it's cool because it's old?
I just like it because it's completely simple.
It just tells you the time and the date and I'm good.
But it beeps all the time.
That's not simple.
That I got to work on.
It tells you the time and the date.
It doesn't ever beep.
Well, how about you throw out a few Omegas over here, huh?
This is a Seiko.
Ah, Seiko.
What are you, poor?
It's a good watch.
It's a good watch.
I don't know Seiko.
I should beat your ass.
Why?
Solid watch.
What the fuck are you talking about?
I don't know Seiko.
The troops warm in Vietnam.
Here's the best conversation.
Could among protect our parks.
Yeah.
Which is funny.
P.O.P.
If you get a little drunk, you go, protect our parks.
That's us.
It sounds like a wiper rally.
Protect our parks.
It really does sound like a wiper rally.
They're amazing parks.
A lot of great parks.
These guys, they're protecting.
Some become jails.
Could protect our parks fight Joe Rogan.
We've already had this conversation.
I know.
It was my favorite conversation.
Oh, us three?
Yes.
First him?
Dude, he would wail on us.
We'd get him down.
We have to get him down.
If I get the junk, I can get the junk.
No, this is the exact point.
And the butthole.
This is the point.
I got a finger in there.
He'll squirm like a fat pig.
Just stare at him longingly until he walks away.
My butthole is so tight.
No, I can get in there.
I got lube on me.
You're one.
We're all one punch.
We're all one punch.
But if we go together.
The problem is if Joe slapped us once, I'm like, I quit.
You got to enjoy it.
No quitting.
No quitting.
Sorry, quits.
What would you have done if Will Smith smacked you?
Whatever his name was.
If you, for somehow, in an alternative universe.
If you're doing comedy at the Oscars and you tell a joke.
He would say some shit because what do you got to lose?
You're not going back to the Oscars.
It is weird because I've opened for you a lot.
They would literally just be like, where's Roy Wood?
When I had hecklers go, I'd be like, this is not my show.
Right.
To be able to go off on this and just kind of weird the room.
So the Oscars is times a thousand.
Oh, right.
But if it's not the Oscars.
I mean, they have been slapped.
They have been slapped.
Immediately you start making fun of the guy slapping.
You have a weapon.
You're not going to be drawn into violence.
Have you ever been slapped on stage?
No, I've been rushed on stage.
Me too.
I've had bottles thrown at me.
Tell them that.
You heard that?
You told me.
I told you that?
Last night.
I told you what?
I did.
Sorry.
What?
Oh, sorry.
Norman's got a great...
Don't build it up.
No, it's good, dude.
What happened?
Hartford Funny Bone.
I got a guy, like a fat Comic-Con motherfucker in the front row.
Like, Spider-Man shirt.
So good.
You know, bad hat.
Floppy hat.
Weird facial hair.
And he was like...
Bald.
Yeah.
Like, he was doing the, like the...
You suck.
That joke sucked.
You should quit.
You're bad.
Like, he was saying it to me.
He was in the front row.
And no one else could hear him.
So I was like, alright, this guy's just being a dick.
He's trying to poke me.
And he was getting to me.
And I kept ignoring him.
Because I was doing well with the rest of the room.
He was sitting alone.
And eventually I just snapped.
It's like 30 minutes of it.
I couldn't take it.
And I go, fuck you, you piece of shit.
You're a virgin.
Look at you.
You suck.
You're fat.
You're gross.
Whatever.
And the rest of the room's like, what are you doing?
Why are you meeting this guy?
They didn't know.
So they turned on me.
But I just was like, fuck it.
I'm going all in on this guy.
And I called him a virgin.
And that...
He snapped.
That was a thing?
Because I think he was.
Oh.
And so he's like, baaah, and he just lost it.
And he comes on stage, and I kicked him.
Nice.
When he was on the second step.
Good, good.
Because I could take this guy.
I'm not a tough guy, but this guy I can take.
He was super out of shape.
He was super doughy.
He's at cargo shore.
He looked like Kevin Smith.
And I was like, I got this guy.
And I kicked him, and it pushed him back, and then they grabbed him.
But that was it.
Good.
Lucky they had better security than the fucking Oscars.
I know.
But that was no security.
Props to that dude.
Yeah.
It's so funny to go to a show and just sit in the front row and be like, you
suck.
That's not the same.
You're not doing that.
You're 11 beers in, and you're encouraging violence.
I mean, that's a wild dude.
I support Will Smith.
I support R. Kelly.
I support that dude.
Real talk.
There's a mansion under the sink.
Yeah.
Sitting in the front row and be like, oh my God, this guy sucks.
Yeah.
Like, just so funny, dude.
There's a mansion in the cabinet.
Dude.
He got me good.
You ever see the Miss Pat video?
No.
Which, it's on her phone.
What do you mean?
So it's not up.
You got to ask her to see it.
Oh, shit.
She's going off on some open mic or at a show, I think in Indianapolis.
It might have been Crackers.
It might have been somewhere else.
And he's talking shit.
He's like, come up here and say that, bitch.
Miss Pat, you know, she's a fucking legit warrior.
And he comes on.
She rips her wig off.
Oh, shit.
I see you.
He goes, I will.
He takes one step up, and she just punches him off stage.
Oh, my God.
That step was enough to be like, this is you escalating.
Of course.
That's a capital riot.
Fuck that.
She takes her wig off.
That's serious shit.
Holy shit.
Miss Pat is the last person.
You don't want to fucking business.
She's been shot, right?
Yeah.
She's been shot.
She got shot in her tit.
She talks about it.
Blew her nipple off.
Damn.
Did milk go everywhere?
Miss Pat is one of the funniest human beings that's ever seen.
Yeah, she's funny.
Miss Pat is wild.
Oh, that Justice Millet lion.
God damn, she's funny.
She said that before anybody knew.
Justice Millet lion.
I'm like, wait, what?
We did a This Not Happening show at the store.
And I was like, wait, what are you talking about?
Shut up.
Miss Pat.
It's crazy.
What are you talking about?
Well, there was a lot of people who were skeptical.
She goes, who's going to wear a ski mask and a hat on top of it?
Number one.
Number two, how are you going to get name brand bleach for a hate crime?
You don't get name brand bleach.
That's great.
How about the fact that he showed up at the hotel with the noose still around
his neck?
Oh, oof.
He kept the noose.
Look what happened to me.
Wouldn't the first thing you do once you get free is take that fucking noose
off your
neck?
You think?
It's so bad.
What's her name?
Had the best quote about it, the writer.
J.K.
Rowe.
No, no.
Forget her name.
She wrote for Playboy for a while.
I think she's been on here.
Bridget.
Bridget Phetasy?
Bridget Phetasy.
Oh, she's fun.
Justice Millet, it's what happened when you let the actors write the script.
That's exactly it.
That's exactly it.
That is 100% it.
Hey, now that we're talking to Jussie Smollett, UTA, you know those guys?
Yeah.
That agency, UTA.
That stands with everyone?
Yeah, they fired me and kept Jussie Smollett.
Still?
I don't think now.
I'm sure now they're like, uh.
After the conviction.
It's like he ain't working, so we can't get anything out of him.
They're all such fucking phonies.
Does he ever work again?
Does someone like that, can someone like that ever work again?
Because people, I think yes, because people still think you did something right.
In their mind, they're like.
Nobody thinks he did anything right.
He faked a hate crime.
He's got to have so little support.
I'm sure there's some dummies out there that are on his side.
But like, what's the number?
Is it 1% at all?
I mean, if 1% is enough, you've got a million people, that's a lot of fucking
people.
You've got to do a podcast, but you can't be on like a TV show.
Could he do the podcast where he just like, he tells stories?
Tells stories.
Bro, tells stories with Jussie Smollett.
That'd be a good podcast.
And one time, I skydived without a parachute while I was skydiving.
Some racist hawk.
He flew right into my parachute, that motherfucker.
I mean, how does a guy like that come back?
How do you come back from something like that?
Where you, I mean, you get arrested for faking a crime and they put you in jail.
He maintains his innocence.
I never met those guys.
They got him out pretty quickly.
I never met those guys who worked on my show.
Did this.
Somebody said?
He didn't say they worked on my show because I never met them.
Wasn't he dating one of the guys?
He said they did drugs and whacked off together.
Oh, that's good enough.
Which is like...
Close to dating.
Such a funny thing to throw on, like, dudes you already incriminated.
Be like, oh, so they're gay, too.
To Kevin Spacey defense.
If you're one of those guys, you're like, bro, you fucked my whole life up.
Does that guy ever come back?
You think Kevin Spacey ever comes back?
He's so good.
He's so good.
He's so good.
He's so good.
Go back and watch a fucking first season of House of Cards.
House of Cards.
What about the secret movie where he played a different character?
Kaiser Sose?
Kaiser Sose.
I mean, it never gets better than that.
Oh, my God.
The secret movie.
The usual suspects.
The usual suspects.
The secret movie.
The secret movie.
I knew what it was.
You knew what it was.
Yeah, of course.
How about fucking when he was in Seven?
Seven was great.
Happy Sunday, folks.
Won't take up too much of your time here.
Did you know that Jussie's story has been fully corroborated by two independent...
I like how the...
Fully corroborated is in caps.
Yeah.
...by two independent witnesses who've never met or had any affiliation with
him?
Question mark.
Did you know that the Office of Special Prosecutors, Sean Weaver, hashtag Sean
Weaver, committed prosecute...
All caps.
Prosecutorial misconduct by pressuring multiple witnesses to change their story?
Jussie's story has never, all caps, changed.
Bro?
That's all I needed to see?
Who's India Moore?
That's all I needed to see, dude.
Free him.
Free him.
Free him.
Who's India Moore?
Obviously, free Jussie.
Look at it, but right away.
Someone writes free Jussie.
Who's that?
Who's India Moore?
She's blinked or whatever.
1.6 million.
Yeah, she's hot as shit.
Who's this person?
Good looking lady.
She's four times as big as me.
That is wild.
She's like free Jussie.
Better looking than Jada.
Do you think she's an actress?
Yeah, she's got Jussie in there.
Yeah, she's probably an actress.
Maybe it's her brother.
Maybe.
Who knows?
Actors and actresses are out of their fucking boards.
Out of their fucking minds.
So is he free?
I think he is now.
150 days he got.
He's out?
No, no, he's out already.
How many days did he get?
They let him out early.
Really?
Yeah, they let him out real early.
Remember the prosecutor was like,
we're not going to go through with this?
And everyone's like, why?
He lied.
Yeah, it made him go back.
It cost the city a million dollars?
The manhunt.
So he's out.
I guarantee he's out.
He was supposed to do a bunch of time
and he got out within a few days on appeal.
So he's on appeal right now.
So maybe if he loses the appeal,
he has to go in for the rest of 150 days.
The rich get richer.
He's fucked.
How do you make a living now?
If you're a guy who's a public...
He was great in that Alien movie.
Covenant?
He was in Covenant.
He was great in Mighty Ducks.
He was in Mighty Ducks?
Yeah.
What was he, a duck?
He was a young man.
Can we mention how awesome...
He got checked by two white guys.
What do you get at?
What's awesome?
Into the glass.
The Bash Brothers got him.
What are those Nigerians doing?
Are they still around?
The guys he hired?
Two gay drug addicts.
They're selling weed in Beijing.
They're on OnlyFans jacking off.
They were hot.
Can we say how awesome it was that one of the greatest comics of all time,
Louis C.K., won a Grammy for the best album of the year.
And Twitter imploded, I heard.
Nah, fuck that.
Didn't go fuck themselves.
Everybody realized how amazing it was that a great comic put out a great
special
and won an award.
Finally, someone who deserves it won an award for an amazing thing.
You know what's funny?
I never got them.
Yeah, I don't get it.
What was funny is it's like, oh, the voting's anonymous.
That's why he won.
Is that right?
Oh, yeah.
The voting's anonymous.
Everybody got in there and was like, actually, the special killed.
Definitely the best.
It's a good special.
It was a great special.
The last special was very funny.
The intro when he walks out to fucking Bob Dylan and the sorry's on there,
and he just walks.
It's like, dude.
It's amazing.
Suck my dick.
He won for Sincerely.
Oh, no, it was Sorry.
Sorry.
Really?
Yeah, Sorry.
It's called Sorry.
I thought it was Sincerely.
Oh, wait.
He won for Sincerely?
Oh, a different special?
I think so.
He won for the last one?
Oh, yeah.
This past one.
The most recent is Sorry.
I know.
I thought he won for the one before that.
No, really?
No, he was nominated for the one before that.
Really?
I don't think he was.
That was last year.
The nomination was new.
Sincerely Louis CK won.
Sincerely won?
Sincerely Louis CK won.
Thank you.
Holy shit.
Wait, that was recorded before COVID.
That's last year, so he still has a chance to win next year.
Sorry's going to win.
Sorry's better.
Sorry's better than Sincerely.
Wait, wait, wait.
He won for the one he recorded in 2020?
Yes.
That won in 2021?
That's how they do it.
Did they do it?
No, they did the awards for 2021.
Well, whatever.
They just announced it for 2021.
They present in 2021, but it's all the shit from the year before.
No, but it is 2022.
This was a weird year because I don't think they did the Grammys.
Two years ago.
Yeah.
Like, negative JMO.
Damn, he won on Sincerely?
What's interesting is that one was good, but it's not as good as a Sincerely.
It's way better.
Sari's one of the best specials he's ever done.
I agree.
That's great.
It's amazing.
And he seems like free.
He seems free.
You know what I'm saying?
He seems like he's 100% Louis.
He said, everybody needs to get canceled.
You'll be your real fucking comic after that.
He didn't say the last part, but he goes, everybody needs to get canceled.
Interesting.
Just get it over with.
Yeah.
Then nothing will hold you back.
You're not worried.
Would you agree?
Because it's not fun.
It's not a great thing.
No, it's bullying.
It's mean.
Shit stinks.
That's what it was.
But, yeah.
The stuff that got in this award show was stuff that came out.
Damn, he won on Sincerely.
He's definitely going to win on Sari.
No.
Someone's going to come out right now.
Why?
He's on Sari.
He's not going to get another one.
He'll get back to back, dude.
Sari was the best special.
Dude.
Yeah.
If he gets back to back.
That's not how it works.
But what do you mean?
If it's fucking the best.
I don't think.
They don't think like that.
If they have a bunch of them.
They don't think like that.
They're like, oh, we're going to give it to this guy.
Why do we care what they think?
You think The Departed is the best Scorsese movie?
Why do we care?
Why do we care about the Emmys?
They are so not our people.
They are so not our people.
They're not our people.
The idea that we care who wins the Emmys is so crazy.
Who gives a fuck?
You ever see Kill Tony's poster?
It said who actually won the Grammy.
Pull up the Kill Tony poster.
You need to see this because it's fucking crazy.
Here's why I never liked the Grammys.
Because it's true.
I never once nominated Kyle Kinane.
It was only celebrities.
It's only celebrities ever.
They got Nate Bargatze, which was nice.
That's great.
But yeah, you're right.
It plays 5,000 seaters.
Look at this Kill Tony poster.
That's true.
Grammy Awards won by Queen, zero.
Diana Ross, zero.
Jimi Hendrix, zero.
Snoop Dogg, zero.
Hilly Crinton, one.
Awards are pointless.
Kill Tony isn't.
Watch this.
That's great.
That's great.
Well done.
Solid.
What did Hillary win for?
Rap?
Hip-hop?
That'd be fun.
Her murder compilation.
Real talk.
Super Predators.
Don't you think I got enough bullshit on my mind?
I was on Epstein's plane.
Yeah.
She went for best spoken word album.
Oh my God.
Spoken word?
It takes a village.
Oh boy.
Grammy Awards of 1997.
Jesus Christ.
97, dude.
That was after Monica Lewinsky.
That was Monica Lewinsky.
Ah, you see?
That's how they think.
We'll give her one after that.
Yeah, let's get her a trophy,
because that was traumatic as hell.
She went through some shit.
Yeah, that's brutal.
Poor gal.
Yeah.
You watched that FX thing about Clinton?
I didn't.
It was good, dude.
Yeah, FX kills it.
The same one as like...
Paul Lewinsky?
The people versus OJ and...
Yeah, that was great too.
Assassination of Versace.
What is it?
Those are incredible.
They did a fucking documentary,
like a show, not a documentary.
Biopic?
Yeah, biopic type shit about...
Docu-series.
Yeah, about Sarah Paulson.
Got threatened after she said something about Kobe.
Sarah Paulson.
Impeachment, an American crime story.
Yeah, it was very good.
What happened with Sarah Paulson?
What was that?
After Kobe, Michael Rappaport went after her heart
and she got threatened to the point
where she had to delete her Twitter.
What?
Because she said like,
hey, it might be true that he's a great man
and also he might have committed rape.
Both things can be true.
And Rappaport went after her heart.
This was about Kobe.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Well, there was a lot of those girls.
The other one, the one from Westworld.
What's her name?
Sarah Paulson.
No, no, no.
The other one.
A different girl from Westworld?
Yeah.
Erin Rachel Wood?
Yes, that one.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Didn't she go after him?
Same thing.
She's the one who said that.
It was Erin Rachel Wood.
Yeah, it was her.
She said that.
Yeah.
What is this?
Impeachment was good, dude.
That's the show?
FX.
That's Hillary?
I guess so.
No, no, no, no.
That's Linda Tripp.
Linda Tripp.
By the way, John Goodman played her on SNL in the 90s
and it was so insulting.
It was normal.
It was funny.
They show it.
They show it on there
where she's sitting down and watching SNL
and be like with her like,
she's like devastated.
Of course.
Obviously.
But that shit flew back then.
But then.
It is crazy that they all called Monica Lewinsky a fucking whore
when she's like,
you mean my boss tried to have sex with me?
I fucked the president.
I'm a 23-year-old
and the president wanted me to suck his dick.
She got screwed on that.
She got screwed.
That's Jonah Hill's sister.
Whoa.
Yeah, it looks like Jonah Hill.
I think she was 20.
I think Monica Lewinsky was 20.
Yeah.
Hell yeah, dude.
Obviously, obviously you're going to get ahead from a fat 20-year-old.
Well, not only that.
Like, obviously, if you're a 20-year-old, you get a chance.
Who's not doing that, dude?
I like a full-figured girl.
I can't do Clinton.
If you're a young single girl.
Oh, dude.
Wrong president.
Hillary?
Or, uh, Bill?
Bill?
Bill, Bill.
Full-figured...
It's kind of breasty.
I can do Bill.
Big juke globes.
Go ahead.
I only flew with him 26 times.
Not bad.
Not bad.
Little Rock.
He's a good guy.
He's got a good plane.
Got Battle of the Presidents.
I'd have to listen to him.
If I listened to him, I could do him better.
Don, what do you think of Bill's pussy?
Not good.
He sounds like an idiot.
Everybody heard it.
I only flew with him 26 times.
I'll do Bud.
Listen, it's more of a this.
You do Biden real quick.
What?
What?
Come on, man.
Kyle Dunnigan's Biden is the greatest fucker thing the world's ever known.
It's so good.
It's so good.
That show that he does with Kurt is one of the best fucking sketch things he's
ever done.
It's so good, dude.
It's amazing.
So good.
I went over there, and they were like...
So I was in L.A. doing shows, and Kurt hit me up and was like,
You gotta come over and do a sketch.
I was like, Of course.
I get over there, and they're like, All right, let's go.
Like, as soon as I walked in the door, they're like, We're doing a Zoom call.
I was like, Okay.
No hello?
Dude, it was crazy.
And then you get into Kyle's house, and it's like, Fucking hellhole.
And it's crazy.
What do you mean?
Like, what way?
I'm talking, like, fucking unfinished, like, struts in the fucking living room
are just
hanging out.
There's no drywall.
There's just shit everywhere.
Really?
And they're like, All right, let's go.
Oh, dude, it's chaos.
He's a mad genius.
He is.
So is Kurt.
They're both insane geniuses.
Yeah.
They made Inside Amy Schumer the greatness that it was the first two years.
Yeah, got an Emmy.
Yeah, where there was, like, those two guys writing, it was like, This thing
can't be stopped.
Thank God they found each other and connected.
Yeah.
Those two are, I mean, it's ridiculous.
Yeah.
They're so fucking good.
Some of the sketchy, the Nancy Pelosi one they did.
The bitch's hero.
The one to buy in the skeleton hand.
She's got skeleton hands and she rubs them together and starts a fire.
That's comedy.
When you watch it, you're like, Oh, yeah, this is what comedy used to be.
I'm going to jingle my jewels in your face.
You'll love it.
The Bill Maher shit.
It's so dying.
Bill Maher hates it.
Bill Maher, his Bill Maher is so good.
So good.
And no one else has one.
No.
It's like, these aren't impressions anyone's doing.
Right, right.
I'll never have children.
But he does them better than anybody.
Oh, the trans-Trump.
I didn't like this one.
I didn't like this one that much.
I thought it was...
But just visually, that's fun.
Yeah, trans-Trump.
It's funny and terrific.
Visually, the Andrew Cuomo one, it's amazing.
Do you see Putin on OnlyFans?
No.
Oh, my God.
You haven't seen this?
Give me some volume.
One door is a parachute.
One door is a parachute.
I always.
So you're dropped like rock.
He's getting Bitcoin.
Okay, we're here to go.
Now is sexy time.
Get ready.
It's going to be getting hot in here.
All the Bitcoin coming in.
Have you ever gone on an OnlyFans?
No.
No.
I should, because I know people on it.
Feehan is crushing it on OnlyFans.
Who is?
Karen Feehan.
She's a comedian in New York.
Very funny.
Very funny.
And the best little titties in comedy.
She's great.
So what is she doing on OnlyFans?
Butt picks?
Yeah, picks mostly.
Yeah, that's it.
She makes hell well on there.
How much?
I think in the $20,000 to $25,000 range a month.
Wow.
Yeah.
And she's funny.
And she's a cool gal.
She's so cool to have around.
It takes away all the financial pressure of gigs.
Right?
You do whatever gigs you want.
To defend her, she doesn't slack on comedy.
She's like, that's extra income.
I'm still hosting.
I'm still doing whatever spots I can get.
If I could get that, you know.
You can show your ass and you get $20,000 a month.
Is there levels to what you show?
What?
Levels.
Are there levels?
You can do whatever you want.
But you can do pornography, right?
Oh, yeah.
You can figure yourself.
Total pornography.
That's what runs OnlyFans.
It's porno chicks going, hey, come straight to me.
Right.
Right.
And I'll do what you want me to do.
And then arranging also, like, do you want to meet?
Right.
That's $10,000.
And then, you know, whatever else.
Oh, they do that.
$10,000.
Whatever it is, you know.
Yeah.
I guess a lot of them get paid $10,000.
Why wouldn't you?
Why you wouldn't you?
I fuck on camera.
I know.
They're fucking everybody.
Especially if he's nice.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Everybody's nice if he gives me $10,000.
OnlyFans for guys?
Is that a real thing?
Like, how many guys are on?
Gay dudes.
Gay dudes.
Trans.
I interviewed a trans lady on Skeptic Thing once, and she was like, that's a
solid, there's
a market for it if you still have your dick.
Margo.
Remember Margo?
You got to have your dick?
I mean, you get more money that way.
That's wild.
So if you're trans with a dick, it's more valuable than a full operation?
Yeah.
Wow.
But then I have some girls are like, I just show my feet and I make a ton of
money.
Sure.
Go for it.
I've heard of that.
Go for it.
Like, how much money do you make just showing your feet?
Enough to show your feet.
I would show my feet.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't even think about my feet.
Your feet aren't that great.
No, they're not.
Maybe they are to some people.
Yeah.
That's the thing.
I mean, I would not do it.
If I could make 20 grand a month.
You might be able to.
Just showing your butthole.
I'm in.
Guys, go to OnlyFans.com slash Ari Shafir.
How about Ari's butthole around the world?
Like, wherever you're going.
I wanted to have a Skankfest.
The first year at Skankfest.
I was like, can we have a kissing booth?
But it's only a close-up and I'll spread my cheeks.
And you get to stare directly into my fucking hemorrhoided up asshole.
I would pay a buck for that.
A buck.
Yeah.
But you've got to sit there with your asshole spread for an hour and a half.
I guarantee you.
Louis, make it happen.
You guys are going to spit in your asshole.
Yeah, that was my only thing.
You've got to have a spit guard.
That's not so bad.
You should let them spit in your asshole.
If they have to look at it, they should be able to spit on it.
And that's kind of hot.
It is kind of hot.
And it feels good.
I bet a little warm spit on your b-hole.
Who wouldn't like that?
Yeah.
Jamie, what are you saying?
There's a video about that.
That's why I thought you brought it up, mate.
What?
In Cook County Jail, that's what they do.
They don't rape guys.
They spit in their asshole.
I would take that in a second.
What?
If rape was on the table, I'll take a spit in the butt.
Because you still have to get the phone call when a bodily fluid enters a
cavity or something
like that, they explained.
What phone call?
From your mom's?
They have to call your family and say, like, you have to dip your rape kit on
your son.
Oh, no.
You can get AIDS from that.
Yeah, they know.
Don't call my mom.
Yeah, you have to rat them out that they spit on your asshole.
They would, that's what they were going into.
Like, that's the thing that they did.
Like, big guys would be like, you ain't spitting on my asshole.
And they'd be like, what?
You get knocked out.
And then they hold you down.
They spit in your ass.
And then people were like.
Why would they hold you down?
You're already knocked out.
They would take turns coming up and spit in your asshole.
Sounds like a nice treat.
Come on.
I want to see a video of this.
It's not the video of that, but I can show you the video of them explaining it.
Wow.
Really?
And then they also have a thing they called a Glock, a Glock Dookie.
Dookie Glock?
Glock Dookie.
Grab some Bud Lights out there.
How many you got down so far?
What do you got over there?
What's the stack?
I'm having a tough time counting.
5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
You're on beer 12.
That's good.
I had one of those.
That's wild.
Bud Lights are easy to drink.
Yeah, but that's wild.
That's like Andre the Giant shit.
I had one of those.
They will knock you the fuck out.
Go to the bathroom.
You see yourself.
When you hit that ground.
Oh, shit.
I'm fucked up.
Yeah.
Especially when you walk out there to piss.
There's a dude sitting at the table.
Yeah.
Listen to this.
There's a dude sitting next to a table next to a werewolf.
You're like, oh, shit.
Right.
I'm fucked up.
Reality sets in.
Listen to this.
You will hear this.
Get that butt.
Motherfucker that gets that.
Nah, the nigga that's fighting to be, get the butt.
Motherfucker going, pull your pants down.
Pull your drawers down.
Open up your ass and spin your ass.
Now your ass a bitch.
Six people line up to come spin your ass.
Niggas are spinning your ass.
A nigga will grab a motherfucking soap.
You got to talk your ass out, nigga.
Six different survivors.
Kilt in this bitch.
Your ass a bitch.
Now in the whole jail of no.
It's going around.
Man, folks, you got this ass spitting in.
Disclaimer.
Niggas are putting ketchup.
I wasn't doing that.
Mustard in your ass.
I wasn't involved in that shit.
Eat flaming hot.
I wasn't doing that shit.
Knock you out.
Spin your ass.
I just, I just.
Oh, my God.
That sounds like a lot.
Especially up in the trenches.
That shit will fuck you up.
Trenches.
That shit will fuck you up.
Spin your ass.
Okay.
Wow.
I guess it's the thing.
Just some dude eating fucking flaming hot Cheetos.
Spitting in asses.
Then knocking you out and spitting in your butt.
I think you got off easy.
Spitting in your butt is so nice.
Yeah.
I mean.
As opposed to.
I want to do that now.
He's fucking you in the ass.
Exactly.
They don't do that anymore?
Is that what he's saying?
Yeah.
Hold on.
This one's.
It's an anti-hazing letter.
It's actually pretty nice.
Yeah.
It is actually like a frat.
Yeah.
We've evolved.
This is more?
This is a lot.
It's the shorter too, but it's.
Glock Dookie's in that bitch.
Pull up on your ass with a Glock Dookie.
Rob.
Glock Dookie.
You're from the grave.
Toothpaste.
That bitch got shit in it.
Piss in it.
Nut in it.
Shaving cream.
All type of shit.
What the fuck go?
I'm walking for your ass with that bitch.
What?
Move right now.
Spray the bitch in your face.
You.
You don't want this shit.
You.
You getting robbed.
What the fuck is.
What the fuck is.
Rob to that bitch.
They make gum.
Glock Dookie.
Glock Dookie.
Glock Dookie with a switch on that bitch.
Nigga.
Glock Dookie with a switch on that bitch.
What's the switch?
So you can actually fight.
Okay.
Holy shit.
You gotta have these guys in the podcast.
Yeah, right?
That seems like it'd be a lot of fun.
Damn, dude.
There's some guy in prison for like money laundering and he's like, I don't
know about this.
This is all new to me.
Take it easy, fellas.
Somebody's got a crest tube filled with shit and jizz.
Get the fuck out of the way, motherfucker.
That's why R. Kelly was singing for everybody.
They had him there like.
Sing for my kids, please.
Whatever you want.
He goes, I don't feel like it.
Don't you feel like it?
Or we could go the other way.
He's probably a big star in jail.
They're probably so excited to hang out with R. Kelly.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, and he gets to sing.
Probably makes it more interesting.
My assholes tell me no.
But those Flamin' Hot spits.
But you guys are telling me yeah.
You gotta tell me it's gonna happen.
Flamin' Hot.
Oh, boy.
Anybody eating Flamin' Hots is a problem.
Yeah.
You don't see a president or like a CEO eating Flamin' Hots.
Nobody accomplishing anything is munching.
Well, Trump actually might munch Flamin' Hots.
There you go.
Didn't Trump replace the healthy snacks the White House had previously with
like some kind of shit?
A lot of cheeseburgers.
He had the burgers.
Dude, but he would bring in whoever won the national championship in football.
He'd bring them in and he'd just get the whole table filled with fucking
burgers.
Yeah.
From McDonald's.
McDonald's.
Yeah.
Yeah, he'd be like, you guys are gonna love McDonald's.
He fucking loves McDonald's.
He like legitimately loves McDonald's.
Diet Coke and McDonald's.
It's more American.
So did Clinton.
How is he so healthy?
Who?
Trump.
Is he healthy?
For as old as he is?
Yeah, dude.
What are you kidding?
He's old as shit.
He's overweight.
Donald Trump had McDonald's delivered to the hospital while he's being treated
for COVID-19.
Jesus Christ.
What a fat fuck.
He's an animal.
I mean, if you're munching McDonald's in your 70s, dude, if I eat McDonald's
now, I'm like,
what the fuck was that?
Dude, I was at a concert with Soder and his girlfriend and he was like, right
before the
encore, they were like, we're finished.
We'll be back in like 10 minutes.
We gotta do whatever.
LCD sound system.
And he's like, I gotta go.
I'm like, you gotta go before the encore?
And he goes, I didn't eat a lot of McDonald's.
I gotta take care of it.
Yeah, dude.
But Trump doesn't drink.
No, he doesn't drink.
That definitely takes some of the edge off, but he's eating pure garbage.
Sure.
But Trump has also never drank, right?
Never.
No, really?
Wasn't that a thing?
His brother got fucked up by it and he stopped.
Oh, is that right?
Yeah.
Have you seen the Adam Curtis documentary on how Trump made his money?
You've seen it?
How he, like, New York was like, white flight and then Trump was like, oh,
everything's
devalued?
Let me buy, like, blocks.
I saw the Adam Curtis, the newest one.
The last one was, what was it?
It was like, Can't Get You Out of My Head.
Oh.
It was so good.
What was that about?
It was just, he, Adam Curtis explained where we're at and why we're at it.
Yeah.
And it was, I mean.
Have you ever had him on?
I can't explain it.
Dude.
I'd like to see that.
For sure, get Adam Curtis on.
Yeah.
His documentaries are so out there and so clear.
Century of the Self is so interesting.
What's that?
It's about how we took, Freud's nephew took stuff he was saying about
psychology, used
it for propaganda for the World War II.
And then after World War II was over, like, well, we can keep using this
propaganda.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We've got to change the name.
They called it PR.
And so that everything is about public image.
So that's when advertisements went from this is a quality product to this will
get your
family around you.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
What was the one you said?
What was the documentary?
It's called Can't Get You Out of My Head.
And it's fucking incredible.
It's about how China uses, like, absolute, they're monitoring everything you do.
You get the social credit score of, like, did you cheat in a video game?
Did you jaywalk?
And they monitor it.
Meanwhile, the United States is doing kind of the exact same thing, except they're
doing
outrage.
They're doing outrage.
So, like, in China, it's like, they're monitoring, but you've got to be a good
dude.
You've got to do everything correct.
It's hyper-normalization was the one with Trump.
Dude, Rogan, you'll like all these.
Century of the Self, start with that one.
I'm fucked up.
Start with that one.
I'm going to watch these.
Yeah, they're amazing.
Oh, yo, you watch the Adam Curtis talk?
Can't Get You Out of My Head.
Oh, I've seen hyper-normalization.
I've seen that.
That was really good.
You watch Century of the Self, you watch one episode out of six or eight, you
watch one,
then you pause for, like, a week and a half, and you think about it.
Dude.
And then you watch an episode.
Here's the hardest part about Adam Curtis, is you watch it, and then you
understand it,
and then you try to tell everybody.
Like, you are dumb.
Yeah.
I have that with Norm Macdonald.
You ever talk to somebody who doesn't think Norm Macdonald's funny, and you're
like,
I don't know what to do here.
He just is.
I don't know how to back off to explain it to you.
I never laugh, though.
And you're like, all right.
How the fuck could you watch Norm and not laugh?
Because people don't like him.
You have to be stupid, dude.
The taste is so subjective.
Not normally, like, funny, not my thing, but just, like, not funny.
Like, oh.
It's so crazy.
But to some people, they just have terrible taste.
Yeah.
You know?
I mean, there's things that people love that are all, like, there's people that
are, like,
great fans of those terrible sitcoms.
Well, they can't wait, and they want to go see the taping, and some of those
really fucking
bland bullshit.
Dude, that's Big J.
Whenever I have a barbecue, he's like, I got frozen beef patties for you.
I'm like, what?
I got fresh ground beef.
He's like, nah, you want these.
I'm like, oh, you have garbage taste.
Well, I support that.
I support that.
Of course you do.
You get conditioned, too.
Is frozen beef that much different than the fresh beef patties?
It's shitty, dude.
Well, come on.
It's garbage.
It's shitty.
I mean, it really depends on how quickly the burger was frozen.
Like, if you get, like, a fresh steak, and you grind it, and then make a patty,
and freeze
it, and then thaw it out, it's not going to be any different.
That ain't what's happening.
These are fucking mass-made bulk, you know.
Dude, it's a burger.
Get a 99 cent.
99.
We'll have to sit next.
I'll fuck.
This is a fucking burger.
We'll do a taste test.
I want a burger.
I want a fucking burger right now.
Joe, don't you dare make a fool out of me right now.
Fuck him burger.
Burger.
We'll do a taste test.
I would love burgers, dude.
If you wanted to eat a burger right now, would you go for something that's good,
or would
you go for some, like, bullshit?
No, we went to a good, we went to El Camino.
Right across the street.
Yeah.
Great.
Killer.
Then you got to battle through all those fucking goss.
Yeah.
Goss?
All those freaks making you shit.
The guy's got a fucking mohawk in the kitchen.
The kitchen's filled with fucking freaks.
Yeah.
And you go to order, and you're like, I don't want these guys around my...
No gloves.
And then they give you your food, and you're like, damn, that's the best food I've
ever had.
You're all right.
Yeah, you're okay.
Nice job, freaks.
They look like the bad guys in Street Fighter.
Yes.
Yes.
They come out of the bar, just like, who ordered...
Tio, how about that fucking waiter?
Fucking Mark's got a gay gluten allergy, so he put the...
I'm trying to get off bread.
Mark's gay as hell, so he put the bun in his beer.
Just like, if there's a sip of beer left, I threw the bun in there to get rid
of it.
He comes over, the waiter comes over to grab empties, and he's like, what the
fuck is
this?
And it was like, don't be a waiter.
Yeah, right?
Why is there a little bread in the bottle?
He didn't like it.
I should have said, don't be a waiter, dude.
I apologize to all the waiters.
You dumbasses.
I heard nothing but good things about those burgers.
Dude, El Camino's.
Great burger.
Perfect.
Hey, let's have a taste.
That's the next barbecue I have.
Oh.
We'll do one of those Big J frozen patties versus a real ground beef grade A.
I swear to God, there will be zero difference.
Do you know how to cook a burger?
I'll be blacked out.
Are you good at it?
No.
No.
No, he cannot.
But DeRosa came over and was cooking.
He was cooking at my place.
DeRosa killed.
How about DeRosa's fucking sandwich shop?
I get hungry looking at his Instagram.
You got to go next time to read that.
It's so good.
We'll go together.
It's so good.
That bar is killing.
It looks amazing.
Holy shit.
Joey Roses.
Economical.
Oh, yeah.
It's an $8 sandwich.
That should be like in New York, $14, $15.
It's a big ass fucking sandwich.
Oh.
It looks good.
Those sandwiches?
Perfect.
That's my favorite one.
That's my favorite one.
That peanut butter, jelly, and...
And potato chips is my favorite one.
Oh, that's bad news.
Damn, that looks good.
That killed Ralphie, man.
That's good news.
And then DeRosa will make you do Coke.
Yeah, he will.
He puts it on the bun.
You eat some fucking peanut butter and jelly hoagie, and he's like, come on,
dude.
Let's do Coke.
Wait till Hot Top's done with the sandwich.
He likes the Coke?
No, no, he doesn't.
He likes it around the bros.
When the bros are there.
He likes to do Coke?
When the dogs are there.
That's why he opened the bar.
It's a Coke den.
So it's a sandwich shop slash bar?
Exactly.
Wow.
Is he doing a lot of stand-up now, or is he just busy doing that?
He's out.
He's back now.
He's opening for Sal on his tour a lot, and he's back, fully back.
So he just has people work the club or his bar.
Yeah.
He was kind of right.
Like, when he stopped, he was like, shit sucks right now.
Before he had a draw.
He was right about that.
He had his draw now, because him and Sal were doing that Taste Buds podcast.
But before that, he goes, what's the benefit of doing stand-up in this zeitgeist,
in this
world where everyone's attacking everybody, when I'm not going to make
thousands of dollars
on the road?
I would, like, fight him on that.
I would always be like, now's when it's actually good.
Necessary.
But he goes, your whole career's over for what?
For a $25 spot?
It's not worth it.
And I'm like, I get what you're saying.
So he was worried about saying something that was going to get him in trouble?
Yeah, because it's non-stop.
I think it's a little bit of the worried about saying something, but he's
always been friends
with all the left people.
Uh-huh.
Like, all the people that lost their fucking minds.
He's friends with them.
He was boys with them.
Really?
I was friends with a lot of them, too.
Of course.
But he's also friends with the kumia.
Yeah, exactly.
Is he?
DeRose is a lot.
He was.
DeRose is friendly.
He just likes everybody.
He's a nice guy.
He's a nice guy.
That shit fucked him up.
When everybody split and acted like psychos,
that fucked him up.
Really?
And he was like, I don't want to do stand-up for this shit.
It's supposed to be for fun, and everyone's attacking each other.
This is what?
This is how it's supposed to be.
I know.
It's strange.
Yeah, if you're Segura making fucking doctor money every show,
then it's like, yeah, sure, for you to do it, it makes sense.
Yeah.
Doctor money.
Who went harder after Will Smith than Segura?
I know.
What a fucking warrior.
See, there's tweets.
I was impressed.
The bitch was bald.
He went, but it was more that.
Like, she's been cheating on you and been fucking around.
Oh, I didn't see that.
He defended stand-up like he should.
Like we all should.
Like a gangster.
Damn.
Yeah, but it was just, he went hard.
Yeah, and he was totally right.
Totally right.
That's the thing.
He was out there saying it.
It was just 100% truth, and everybody had to sit back.
Do you not think stand-up is an art form?
Then, sure, okay, fight people, but like, then you don't respect us at all.
Yeah.
We're not here for us, for you.
You're here for us.
And he can say it because he's bald.
He is bald.
Bring it on.
Some crazy shit.
Crazy shit watching that happen.
I still can't believe it's real.
Even watching that video.
It's nutty.
It's nutty.
It's the biggest event in a long time.
So much of it is like.
Yeah, definitely, it just sucks for Chris Rock.
Sucks for Chris Rock.
It's not fair at all.
He's killing it.
I know, but you've got to be humiliated on television.
But still, it's like, he's a, dude, he's a legend.
Yeah.
And then that happens, but.
No, he's a legend, and then that shit happens.
You know, the way he handled it, though, I don't think he lost any stock.
I mean, the man is standing there, guy walks up to him, smacks him in the head,
and he's still playing it off like it was a joke.
Oh, he goes, whoa, what the fuck?
Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.
And I think they were going to laugh it off.
And then when he got serious, he was like, keep my wife's name out of your
fucking mouth.
And he said, really?
Don't say off.
Don't say off, because he didn't.
Out your fucking mouth.
And then he goes, it's a G-I-N-G joke.
It's like, what are you even talking about?
And then he yells it again, keep my wife's name out your fucking mouth.
And it's like, wow.
I'm going to.
I'll tell you, as someone who's been slapped, it doesn't hurt.
So it's an odd thing where it's like, you struck me, but there's no pain
associated with it.
Yeah, it's a disrespectful thing.
It's disrespectful, but it's like, what are you doing?
Everybody here has been slapped?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Definitely.
I cry.
Every time I got slapped, I've cried.
I cried once when I got slapped.
Definitely.
If somebody slaps me, I will cry.
I always go, why would you do that?
Yeah.
It's like, you don't want conflict.
I've been nothing but nice to you.
Why would you slap me?
Exactly.
It's this thing about, if we're comics, though, it's like we have this, we're
holding a weapon.
We're in our mouths.
I know.
I'm sure he, the worst part was he would have loved to.
Uh-oh.
I'm fucked up.
What did you say?
I said, we're holding a weapon.
We're holding a weapon.
We're holding a weapon.
The microphone.
Yeah.
Shut up.
So we can make fun of people.
Shane, get him.
Dude.
Shane, come on.
Come on.
Remember that?
I'll have another beer.
Great.
Remember that part?
Remember that part in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood where Brad Pitt's fighting
fucking Bruce Lee
and he's like, if I hit a guy and he dies, my hands are considered-
Luther weapons?
And he's like, yeah, that's how it works.
Yeah.
That's kind of, you're like, oh, yeah, our mouths are weapons.
It's like, yeah, everybody's mouths are fucking weapons, dude.
No, a trained stand-up comic, a three-year stand-up comic is like, oh, you don't
know what
you're dealing with.
I don't know, man.
And in that moment when he got smacked, it didn't seem like he knew what to do.
No, he had one moment.
He's not in a club.
There's a clear moment of clarity where he's like, ooh.
I should go at him, but then he pulled back.
There's one part after he gets slapped where he goes, I could.
He literally says, I could.
But he knows he's in the belly of the beast of Hollywood.
And the thing is, the things you would say at a club on that stage would get
you, you'd be
like, you're a dumb fucking bitch of a what?
And it's like, oh, yeah, of course.
And then you'd go like, hey, you're sexist.
So being quiet was the ultimate best move.
We all wanted him to say shit.
Professionally.
He played it right.
Imagine if he just went full stand-up.
Oh.
Just full.
We all wanted him at least to go, hey, fuck you.
Or fuck the system.
I'm out.
And the joke was obvious.
Just keep my name's, or my wife's name out of your mouth.
It's so easy to just write.
The dick's out of your mouth.
Keep her fucking pussy out of other dude's mouth.
Also, Ali, Concussion.
There's so many movies he could have referenced.
But Chris Rock is a written comic.
He goes over real material really well.
So it's not like he's not like a riffer.
Like, Big J is a different experience.
Sure.
But I'm sure he had some B-Squad jokes back in his pocket.
I mean, I could do it, and he could do it.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
If I knew what I could say.
This ain't a normal comic.
This is Chris Rock.
He would eviscerate him.
He's from Bed-Stuy.
He's got nine brothers.
Yeah.
Yeah, if it was at a comedy club, then he could say that.
It would be gloves off.
But isn't it also an indication that that's a bad place to do comedy?
Of course.
It's a corporate gig.
Yeah.
What's the upside?
Right.
That's exactly what it is.
He's like, oh, am I even allowed?
Like, what if you get a heckler at a fucking Lexus convention?
Can you go off on them?
Right.
What do you do?
I got heckled opening for Seinfeld.
My hands were tied.
I was like, oh, easy there, numbskull.
You know, I couldn't say anything because you have to be clean.
I went to visit Nate.
He was doing a corporate for whatever, some company in Vegas.
So I went, and it was like, shitty.
It's all these fucking workers there with each other.
And it's like a bad gig.
And then when he gets off, he's like, let's go play Private Table.
Like, that's just for money.
Let's go have fun.
You did, you opened with Nate?
No.
I went to hang out with him.
I was going to say, I went to hang out with him.
I'm going to have this heat.
It was Nate and Kathleen Madigan and like a magician and Wayne Brady.
Oh, wow.
Wayne Brady probably murders.
Clean as the clean.
I haven't heard that guy's name in a long time.
What's he doing?
Shared a manager for a while.
I bet he murders.
He seems like a fun guy.
He was great on Chappelle's show.
That's what I'm saying.
He was fun on that.
He could make fun of himself.
What is he doing?
Oh, you know what he does?
There's a show.
Let's make a deal.
That show, Let's Make a Deal.
Oh, he's still doing that?
Wow, he's been doing that for like 15 years then, right?
That's good money.
No, no, no.
When it started, I was working in a car garage in Philly.
Quit bragging.
And it was always on the TV.
I gave it a rail with St. Goals.
Every morning, that show, dude, I watched that show every day.
Oh, yeah?
For three years, I watched that fucking show.
Yeah.
And I'd be like, I've got to make a change to my life.
I used to watch Price is Right every day.
How long has he been on that show?
It's not that long.
Oh, I want to say it's 15 years.
I bet it's eight or seven.
Is it still going?
Yeah, they do.
I think they might have even started doing it in Vegas.
Well, pull it up.
I mean, it started in 2009.
I bet he's a good hang.
Oh, okay.
So, I'll tell you a story of-
12 years.
I was going to have him on this.
13 years.
This is not happening.
So, it's my job to go over with the comedians.
Like, hey, what are you doing?
Do you need help?
Do you need to come watch your set and give you tips and stuff?
And say whether there's weak spots or whether there's not.
Real comics, I wouldn't.
Not even real comics.
Like, Norman, I'm like, you're covered.
Diaz, whatever you want, man.
Just come in.
Here's the time to be there.
But some guys, like, you go over them.
What are you doing?
Especially people who don't know the show.
So, I had to call him.
They were like, he can only do a call this time.
And I called him.
I was like, hey, glad you're doing the show.
Thank you.
So, this is the show.
I don't know.
Do you have experience with, like, live performance?
He goes, do you know who the fuck I am?
Yeah, I do live performance.
And then he pulled out of the show.
That's fair, though.
He pulled out of the show.
He was like, I'm not doing this.
Really?
I was like, he was never going to try.
That would bother me, though.
He pulled out of the show because you asked him if you've ever done live
performance?
I was, like, nervous.
I was nervous to talk to him.
I was like, I liked you on Whose Line Is It Anyway?
I don't know.
But that was live performance.
How could you imagine that he doesn't do live performance?
Because I guess he does live shows.
He does improv.
I'm like, I don't know.
I don't know.
I'm just trying to say, like, get started.
So, I'm like, so here's the show.
You can say whatever you want.
Wow.
I'll protect you with the editing.
And he got mad.
He was not in the mood.
You could just tell he was like, you know the stories when you're on the road
of, like,
who's the worst at morning radio?
You ask the person taking you.
And they're like, oh, this guy hates it.
And you're like, oh, they hate it because they think they're bigger than this.
It was like, he doesn't want to talk to some guy he's never heard of about how
to do his fucking.
I think you missed out there because I bet he'd have.
Wouldn't it be great to hear some crazy story about him getting cracked, blown
in his ass or something?
Yeah, your stupid fucking question ruined everything.
Yeah, yeah.
Nice going, dumbass.
Have you tried to bring that show back somewhere else?
After I do this next special, I feel like I'm going to do it.
How good was that?
Killer.
How good was that storytelling show?
At the Gramercy?
So, I like to do a secret lineup where it's like, every time I give you a great
show.
Tell the lineup.
Tell the people at home.
So, first out the gate, I was like, all right, here's a great show.
I haven't told you.
Sold out Gramercy just on this is the show.
It's coming back.
What was the date?
What was the date?
February 15th.
February, something like that.
February 15th.
Yeah.
And I was like, all right, guys, I do my story.
I always try to go up the top, do something strong.
And then I was like, all right, please welcome first comic, Shane Gillis.
They don't know what they're getting.
Right.
And they were just like, bah!
Dude, and that was the fun part, because I'm not used to a pop.
So, like, that pop, I was like, oh, this is going to be fun.
If I passed you, I was like, right?
I know.
Wow.
Yeah.
Even the Asians went nuts.
It was Shane Gillis.
Oh, there we go.
Yeah.
Who was next?
Shane Gillis.
Tim Dillon.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Chris DiStefano.
Oh, shit.
Sal Vulcano had to step in, because Norman had to fucking run away to a spot
and come back.
Sorry.
I had to get a spot in.
It was around the corner.
So crazy.
So crazy.
You want that fucking Vespa thing?
No, that got stolen.
Again?
Well, fun fact, by the way, just to interject here, that got stolen.
My friend found it in Chinatown, covered up.
I saw the video.
He stole it back.
Of course.
He walked into the police station.
I picked it up a week later from the police station.
I was on the road.
And the guy goes, it's like eight cops milling about.
He goes, you sound familiar.
And I go, yeah.
And he goes, were you on Legion of Skanks?
I go, oh, yeah, a few times.
He goes, we love Legion of Skanks.
All the cops do this shit.
They're doing the hand motion.
They're doing the symbol.
What is the hand symbol?
It's this.
It's like.
It's a skank hands.
It's skank hands.
I don't know.
It's their logo.
What is skank hands?
What does that mean?
It's a Legion of Skanks logo.
Dude.
Imagine it.
There you go.
Oh, okay.
NYP.
What the fuck are you wearing?
A Legion of Skanks shirt?
Yeah, I got my first shirt from Skank Fest 1.
Damn, you must be sweating.
There you go.
You fool.
He gets belligerent when he gets drunk.
Thirteen beers in.
You go full bully.
Thirteen beers in.
What are you guys talking about, dude?
I'm just trying to have a good time.
There it is.
Oh, he's going to hate this.
Oh, a pedophile shirt?
Yeah.
I sold these at Skank Fest 1.
Wow.
They sold like hotcakes.
They really did.
But yeah, so we got the bike back.
But yeah, yeah.
I was always on foot that night.
Who else was on that show?
DeStefano.
Samarill.
Samarill.
And somebody else.
You.
Sal jumped in for you.
Okay.
DeStefano.
Dim.
And then we closed it out.
That's a great fucking show.
Ari Shafir's renamed storyteller show is back, and it was a banger.
So that's what you've been running with, renamed storyteller show.
Yeah.
Who knows what I'll call it, but we should do it again.
Dude, it was maybe at the new club, Joe.
It was so good.
Let's do it.
Dude, hitting them with a fucking no lineup every time it's a pop.
Because they'd be happy with just a good show.
Yeah.
And then they get a guy, not only a guy they know, but an amazing comic that
they know.
Right.
Yeah.
Oh, what a fun.
It's so fun to hear that pop from the audience, to give that audience like, hey,
thanks for coming.
Here's your reward.
And I thought the story I told, I was like, I don't know if this is funny.
And then it killed, and I was like, oh, nice.
It's a closer.
Now I got a closer.
Now you got a bit.
Yeah.
Told to Tim also.
Tim had a great one.
And then we did a Q&A at the end, and Sal went in the crowd with a mic and was
asking
people questions.
It was awesome.
It all worked out.
It all came together.
Nice.
Yeah, Tim, after that, called our agent.
We had the same agent, and he was like, hey, get me in the Gramercy more.
Yeah.
And then Tim showed us his Long Island house.
How many seats is the Gramercy?
400.
Oh, it's perfect.
It's perfect.
425.
Yeah.
We were talking last night, like, if you had to choose between, you could do an
arena anytime
you want, or you could do a 500-seat room for the rest of time.
Not 500.
280.
Yeah, but I mean, that's as big as you could get.
You could never get any bigger than 500, or you could do arenas, but only arenas.
I would say no way.
No way what?
No way I would do only arenas.
Yeah.
You can't take away the joy of the club.
Arenas are wild.
I can't even imagine.
It's not comedy.
It's comedy.
Well, it's a presentation more.
It's a different style.
It's not a vibe.
It's not an interaction.
What have you done, like, arenas-wise?
I did the Garden a couple times.
Damn.
Who'd you do that with?
Schumer.
That's a pretty good answer.
And then I did Carnegie Hall.
That was awesome.
The most iconic.
Yeah, I did the Forum.
Did the fucking hockey arena in Detroit.
I've done a good run.
I just don't like it as much.
No, no.
It's cool.
It's a cool experience.
I did a show with O'Neal.
We did the Vic in Chicago.
I'll be back in June.
How is that?
And you'll be there, too.
I'm there in June.
You'll be there the day before me.
Hey!
June 17th, June 18th.
I'll promote.
Okay, thanks.
Come back and see this old guy.
We sold it out like three days before.
Come see this fucking dead geezer.
And they go, do you want to do another one?
I'm like, there's no time.
There's no time to sell another one.
So instead, we did Zany's, which is like an 80-seat room.
So we went from that 1,200-seat room to an 80-seat room.
It was so wildly different.
It was so interesting, the change.
Well, there's a change just from the rooms of the store.
Just the 400 in the main room, 190 in the OR, and then 90 upstairs.
90 in the belly.
Yeah, true.
Big fucking difference is the way it feels.
The thing about those 90-seat rooms, it's like a truth serum.
You find out what's bullshit in your act.
You can kind of get away with a lot of nonsense when there's a large crowd.
That's true.
I mean, it's a small crowd.
Everything that you say that sounds insincere sounds like fucking dirt crumbling
out of your mouth.
It just seems terrible.
Oh, yeah.
There's no fluidity to it.
It just seems like shit.
I think I said this on the last step, but the booze is kicking.
No one remembers.
But, yeah, I saw Bill Burr do a bit in the belly room, and it was like, eh.
And then he went to the OR, and it did okay.
And then he did it in the main room, and it killed.
But he tweaked it the whole way.
And it was like a master class in comedy.
So Burr said to me when I was in New York, he goes, if you use that right, you're
going
to see how crazy good it is for you.
Yeah.
All in one building.
Amazing.
You do six shows in a night, and you just like tweak, tweak, tweak, tweak,
tweak.
Yes.
Until it's like there.
Yeah.
Right away, you get the fucking reps.
This is a gay Burr story.
This is funny, though.
I love a gay Burr.
So.
Spitting his ass?
No, it's about me.
Oh, okay.
He spitting yours?
It's more of a me thing.
Correct.
Of all the dudes I met, like, after you get canceled by, and like, people know
your name,
they've never seen you.
Yeah.
Chappelle, like, we went and hung out.
Like, everybody, Louis, we all hung out and talked.
Burr was the one guy, he went and saw me do, he followed me at the stand.
The only thing he said to me, I got done to go, ah, you're funny, you're gonna
be fine.
It was like, like, fully, fully, like, he watched it to be like, who is this
guy?
I've heard of him.
As soon as I walked in that tiny hallway at the stand, ah, you're funny, you're
gonna be
fine.
That's huge.
It was like, oh, fuck.
He told Jay when Jay was like, couldn't afford to go to the Maui Festival
because, like,
he couldn't afford to miss in-town spots for 200 bucks he was making.
Maui?
Maui had a festival?
Yeah.
One year.
It was great.
That's when we saw that fight?
Yeah, but, um, Jay was at the end of his rope, he's like, how am I not making,
you know,
he's as funny as he is, and he's like, I'm barely getting by.
And Burr had to calm down, he's like, dude, the pendulum will swing to alt, it'll
swing
back, and when it swings back to mainstream, you will be so prepared.
Yeah.
That's true, that's what happened.
There you go.
He's doing great now.
That happens.
Funny tends to win.
Funny is like, yeah, bottom line.
Yeah.
It's also your ability to promote funny is so much different than ever before.
With social media, and with, like, media, there's all these channels.
Like, you remember the old days we used to do morning radio?
You had to.
You had to.
They had to know you were in town.
There was only one way for them to find out you were in town.
You had to do Chucky and Bucky's fucking morning shit bucket.
Yeah.
I'm still doing those.
I am too.
Do they work?
No.
Some markets.
Never.
Some markets work.
Everybody always says some markets.
I mean, Burt does them.
Yeah, but Burt does everything.
No, there's a few that still work.
You have to ask them, like, does this actually move tickets?
And they go, I don't know.
Like, then no.
Then I'll sweep them.
I did Rochester.
I did the, what's it called?
The Blue Room?
No.
That's insane.
That's in Missouri.
Oh, okay.
Which is Carlson.
Comedy to Carlson.
So I did it.
They made me do a fucking Zoom to them.
I did that too.
Dude, I did a Zoom to local news.
Oh, my God.
They're like Sean Gillis.
Yeah.
And I was just in my hotel room like, hey.
It was so bad.
Sean Gillis.
And I was like, this will never work.
This will never work.
We get to the club.
The owner's there.
It was the first thing I said on stage.
I was like, how many of you guys saw me on fucking WKPM?
Not one.
And I was like, can we stop doing it?
Right.
And he was like, yeah, for sure.
Never again.
It's silly.
Dude, I had to do local news on a Zoom hungover in a chair.
You know the chair in the hotel room?
Yeah.
The disgusting.
The office chair.
The greatest thing that ever happened to those TV shows was when Tom Segura
came up with that
DJ dad mouth.
Yeah.
And he would show up.
Because he had already sold out all his shows.
That was when Tom was starting to pop.
So they made him do it anyway because it was like contractually obligated to
have the comics
show up at the TV show.
So he would show up with a gold chain on and come out as non-binary and all.
And they didn't know what to do with him.
They had no idea.
You ever see those?
I have, yeah.
He's like, I'm not using you to sell tickets.
I'm using you to sell tickets next year.
This will be on YouTube.
You got some great ones.
Oh, yeah.
Norman has some great ones.
I had a good run off that.
You shared it.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, you had some good ones.
That one helped me a lot.
I've done all these Conans in late nights.
Not a needle moved.
That thing.
Big part.
Yeah.
Those things, those late night things don't work anymore.
Tracy Morgan is one of those most iconic clips.
Yeah.
It's like, I don't even know when we get pregnant.
He's slapping his stomach.
Dude, Bobby Lee too.
Oh, yeah.
How many guys, Bert, every time Bert would take off his shirt, those things, I
mean, he sells
a lot of tickets.
The crazy thing about Bert and the shirt thing is nobody can take their shirt
off on stage
now.
He owns that.
Yeah.
He owns that.
Of course.
He owns that.
If Shane, if you just started, oh, I'm going to start taking my shirt off on
stage.
I'm more comfortable that way.
Bert would get mad at you.
Shane would never.
He'd go, hey.
Obviously.
Hey, that's my idea.
I'm not built like Bert.
Bert's on Adonis.
I'd be like a sloppy fat.
Right.
Take your shirt off and be like, people would be like, nah.
Wait.
Yeah, this is upsetting.
Do you think Bert is not a sloppy fat?
Yeah, that's so weird.
No, no, no.
He's a hard fat.
No, he's an absolute hard fat.
He looks pregnant.
That's just alcohol.
Yeah.
It's pushed out as far as it can go.
I got sangueches packed in.
I think if he wasn't fat, he would be in worse shape.
He would be in worse health.
Worse.
Sorry, I'm drunk.
He'd be in worse health.
You're drunk.
I think the fat is like helping him.
Get one more.
Get one more whiskey.
You should be a doctor.
I think if he was thin, he'd be ruined.
You're right.
Yeah, just coming in and be like, tell everybody that.
I think you're doing good, fat.
I think fat is where you shine.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
Get one more.
Look out for the big girls.
Yeah, they're coming.
14 beers in.
I am astounded.
He's crazy, dude.
He's going to destroy Australia.
He's going to bury the whole country.
You're going to have a blast.
It's fun.
UK in May.
See how they drink.
That should be fun.
This is all light beer, dude.
The second we switch to IPAs, dude, I black out after like two.
Yeah, me too.
Immediately.
How much alcohol is in a light beer?
Nothing.
But isn't it, I thought it was a calorie thing.
It's not, is it alcohol by volume as well?
That's water.
Yeah, this is natural, I guess.
I don't know.
Dude, you can't drink 14 anythings.
No.
You can.
I can't drink 14 Pepsis.
How the fuck can you drink 14 of those, man?
That's a lot of water.
That's a lot of, you barely pay.
Yeah, I'm going to have diabetes.
I probably do have diabetes.
If you drank 14 waters, it would be a lot.
I'll never check.
Don't check.
Dude, I'll never go to the doctor.
Belt check?
Don't check if you have diabetes.
I'm definitely going, I'm never going to the doctor.
Don't go.
That's how you get diabetes is by checking.
Yeah, dude.
You ever see Warren Zevon go on Letterman?
No.
He's like, yeah, I never went to the doctor.
I showed up once.
They were like, you got lung cancer.
He was like, fuck the doctors.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, dude, I went to an allergist because I knew I was going to get, I get
fucked up.
The last, like, three years, I get destroyed by allergies.
I get in there, they check my blood pressure.
They're like, you all right?
I was like, what the fuck was this, dude?
Thank you.
That's the worst part about going to the doctor.
They're like, how much do you weigh?
You're like, 240.
They're like, all right, let's weigh you.
They're like, no, no, I'll take my worst part.
Why don't you ask me after, you cocks?
Yeah, right?
Why you ask me?
Just weigh me.
They're like, 268.
It's like, all right.
Let's weigh you.
Damn.
I was fibbing.
Fibbing.
Hey, Bert told me he'd finally give me the fucking Molly cast to release.
The who?
The MDMA cast.
You're going to let that out?
Yeah, he said he'd give it to me.
He'd let me put it up.
I don't think he's giving you that.
Is it his show?
He recorded it, yeah.
He's not giving you that.
Molly rules.
Molly rules.
Is he forgiving you for all that?
He has, but he still loves to fucking say how fucking victimized he was on
every podcast
he goes on to.
A dork.
I'm bummed I missed that hang.
I got caught in traffic.
We had a dose for you.
Damn.
Were you going to dose him without telling him to?
Yeah.
How would you have thought about that?
I was hanging out in LA.
I'm on vacation.
So you're fine getting dosed?
Yeah.
Bring it on.
Now you know.
Yeah, if you get hit with Molly, it's like, oh shit, you just hit me with the
best time
of all time.
That's a fuck perk.
But you're getting Molly from Ari, who's getting it from some comic, who's
probably getting
it from a gangbanger.
For sure.
Who fucking knows what's in it?
I'm getting it from Kate Quigley, I'll take it.
It's not like I've never done Molly, I get it from the best.
Where are you getting your Molly from?
Are you testing it for purity?
The best source in New York.
Oh.
Maybe it's like, I got to do it once every year.
I do it once a month.
Once a month?
That's shit.
No, no, not much.
Easy there, old man.
I was doing it for a minute.
Over COVID, yeah.
I was doing it over COVID.
I was doing it once every two weeks.
Come on!
Yeah, I feel like you were doing it all the time.
Well, I was doing a show at Helium.
I remember that.
Yeah, you did Molly at that.
You did Molly at a show?
That was bad.
Every time.
I had to get out of there.
It was the first time I ever did Molly, and Jay brought me back on stage.
And dude.
It was ugly.
So we all did Molly, and they kind of peer pressured us into doing it.
And Jay, I took Molly, I was like, I never take Molly in my life.
Shane goes for it.
Shane will go for it.
And Jay was like, Shane, come back out on stage.
As soon as he said that, I was in the green room, dude, it hit immediately.
I went out on stage just like...
Sweating.
I was like, guys, I can't even talk.
Yeah.
I was like, genuinely, I can't speak.
I remember that.
I was like, guys, I'm on ecstasy.
But that was the best.
They got Sloss.
Spitting coffee on myself.
Sloss got Kai Humphries.
He's Scottish, Northern English comics, and he dosed him with Molly.
And they're watching him on stage host his show.
And they're just watching him get more and more fucked up.
And be like, oh, what a great show.
You guys are amazing.
It's awesome.
And they're all laughing backstage.
This is the best show of all time.
And he gets off stage, and they're all ready to laugh.
And he goes, you idiots, you think this is the first time I've been dosed with
Molly?
You don't think I know what's in my system suddenly?
It's been so long.
That was years ago when I did it.
Was it two years ago, three years ago?
No, it was COVID.
It was two years ago.
Okay.
So I took a bus ride home that night.
That was the craziest thing on earth.
That you didn't stay over.
I just panicked.
I get it.
Because we were surrounded by Jay's minions.
Yes.
So it was like, all right, let's get the fuck out.
Anytime I took Molly at that show, I would go sit in the manager's office by
myself.
Right.
Anytime I took Molly at that show was a hilarious statement.
How many fucking times did you take Molly at it?
There were many times yes, many times no.
It was a great show.
It was such a good show.
It was a good show, and the bus ride was great.
And we were the only ones doing it, because it was in the middle of COVID.
Right.
Helium would just let us do it.
And Grossman was like, stay.
Stay as long as you want.
Oh, dude, we would stay until 5 a.m.
Everyone, we cleared it.
What was he doing?
Was he testing people?
Was he just letting anybody in?
How did he do it?
What's that?
At Helium during the middle of COVID.
No, dude, I don't think testing...
If you could fill it up.
They spaced it out.
Or the vag or something.
Yeah, you spaced it out.
Yeah, you spaced it out.
That shit does not work at all.
Not at all.
No glass or anything.
That six feet thing, that's so crazy.
You get 180 people indoors going, ha, ha.
Right.
It's like, how's that going to work?
That was disproven.
Totally disproven.
Yeah, but there was also, there was no precedent.
There was no like...
Wow, for sure.
Do you guys have vaxes?
There was no vax.
That was new enough.
Dude, we were just...
When time goes by and we look back on the time during COVID of stand-up and
trying to do stand-up during COVID and what Bert did, when he did the drive-in
theaters and what we all did with podcasts and it's fucking crazy.
Roofs, rooftops, parking lot.
Rooftops.
The New York City, like five to ten year comic scene just said, we're not going
away, we'll create shows.
In LA, they wouldn't let them.
They wouldn't let them do outside shows.
It's one of the worst things about the way they handled, you know, for comedy,
the pandemic.
They wouldn't even let them do outside shows.
You have rats telling them when they would.
It's like they were trying to kill comedy.
Right.
I thought, I don't know, when New York did the whole fucking upstairs show,
like rooftop shows, it was like, I'll just do the road.
I'll just go do the states.
Yeah, you gotta get a workout set.
The states that don't care.
Yeah, I did both.
Florida, Texas.
New York Comedy Club's rooftop was great.
Tiny Copper was great.
Well, I did Texas in July of 2020 with Brian Moses and Hinchcliffe.
We did the improv in Houston.
It was fucking great.
And we were flying back and we were like, you know what?
We're back.
Fuck this.
We're doing comedy.
But then I got back to my podcast studio and I got super duper high.
And I thought, oh my God, what if I killed somebody?
What if I gave COVID to someone?
There's that.
Of course.
There's that.
Of course.
Nice person who came on my show and I give it to them.
I'm like, it's too risky.
And they give it to their dad.
No fucking way.
Yeah.
But then they started having like real testing.
And then testing came around.
And when we came here, we have nurses.
You know, you meant a nurse.
We test every fucking day.
And then we did these shows at Stubbs, the outside shows.
And the outside shows that I was doing with Dave were fucking amazing.
And I was like, wow, this is the way we could do comedy.
We could do it this way.
Everybody gets tested.
We have a COVID bubble.
But then we did one show at the Vulcan on a Thursday night in December.
And it was packed.
There was no social distancing.
Everybody was hammered.
And it was like a regular show.
And Ron White went up there and fucking murdered.
Sounds like him.
He hadn't done any comedy in like eight months.
He was saying he was retired.
Basically, I'm retired.
I'm going to sail my boat.
I'm going to sail my plane.
That's good, Ron White.
I'm going to fucking play golf.
Like, you know, he's a shit ton of money.
He's done it all.
And he's like, I'm done.
And then Tony was like, we're going to do this show.
Thursday night, you should come on and just do a set.
Just do ten minutes.
Ron White goes up there and annihilates.
Annihilates.
And then I'm walking towards the stage I was after him.
He grabs me by his shoulder.
He goes, we're going to keep doing this.
No matter what the fuck happens.
We're going to keep doing this.
That was the best part.
That was the best part of COVID.
It was like, you go into, like, the first time I did a full room was hyenas.
Yeah.
In Texas.
Because I was up north where it was all shit.
And then you go into a hyena's and you walk into a room and you're like, you're
scared.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
You're like, holy shit, this is crazy.
Yes.
Like, I'm not, like, afraid of COVID, but, like, you guys are fucking crazy.
They're risking it.
When we did Vulcan, Vulcan was the perfect, because it was jammed.
There was, like, 290 people in there.
Low ceiling.
A lot of fucking hard surfaces.
So the echo.
I was like, oh, my God, this is way better than outside comedy.
Yeah, of course.
Inside comedy is bullshit.
But we knew that before COVID, and then during COVID, we were like, no, outside's
pretty good.
No, that was taking anything.
I saw Burr outside in Dripping Springs in the middle of the pandemic, and he
fucking killed.
It was awesome.
Yeah.
It was hilarious.
People were happy to be out, too.
I was happy to be out.
It was a great show.
Don't get me wrong.
But that same show, put a roof over it, people would have had fucking strokes.
Forget about it.
We were all hanging out at Central Park once.
You might have been there with Liss and everything, and Louis showed up, and
Sarah, Joseph's wife,
had to go across Central Park to do an outside show under a tree.
Oh, I remember that.
And he goes, I just can't.
Louis was like, I can't.
Just inside, where the laughs are bouncing off.
I just want that back.
Yeah, because you wouldn't do Hamilton outside.
It just doesn't work.
It's any performance.
It's not just comedy.
I did those parking lot shows where they'd flash the beams, and then they'd honk.
If you really killed, you got the wipers.
But they were brutal.
But you just had to get out of the house.
You had to kind of do comedy.
It's better than no comedy.
Exactly.
The best thing was at the stand, the front patio, you guys all did it, right?
Yeah.
And it was just like, the show was whatever.
But then afterwards, it was hanging out with the tail, and you guys just
staying out there
for four hours to like, oh, we're friends again.
Yeah, but all you had to do was the road.
And you would never, dude, I was in states that didn't care.
Texas, Florida.
Dude, all of it.
Florida never cared.
No, I didn't.
They never cared once.
They never cared once.
They never cared.
Yeah.
Never cared.
And then I would drive or fly home, and then all of a sudden you'd land and be
like, oh,
shit, there's a pandemic.
Yeah, exactly.
Like, you would land and be like, oh, this is scary.
But meanwhile, you look at Florida, where you adjust for age, they didn't do
any worse than
anybody else did that locked down.
Yeah.
It's a respiratory illness.
People get it.
They're going to get it.
The best thing anybody could have ever done is take care of yourself and seek
medical help
immediately upon catching it.
Get a good doctor.
Get good treatment if you're lucky.
This is all pre-vaccination, right?
Yeah.
But locking people down didn't do shit.
It didn't help.
But you got to give New York...
No.
New York's an exemption.
Fuck New York.
You heard me.
Wait, wait.
I'm not offended.
It was the worst city in the world for COVID.
I don't give a fuck New York.
Because we're all on top of each other.
LA was just as bad.
At least New York let you do outside shows already.
No, but LA was worse.
I'm saying in March or April of 2020, it was the worst city for COVID in the
world.
So it was like, oh, shit.
Fuck, just the numbers were crazy there.
Oh, the numbers.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, because China was like, no, we're done with COVID.
And so it was like, oh, shit.
No, we don't have it.
What are we going to do?
So I get why it was on our minds.
But then we started doing outside shows.
Yeah, but also New York, if at the beginning New York was like, fuck it.
It's not real.
You know how many old fucking Jews would have died?
Way worse.
They would have fucking...
That would have been a hell.
It's funny you said that because the Orthodox Jewish community...
Hasidic, Hasidic, Hasidic.
Hasidic.
They didn't give a shit.
They didn't stop doing anything.
Yeah, they were partying, dude.
They were getting arrested.
Yeah, they kept inbreeding.
It wasn't Orthodox or just the Hasidics?
Hasidics.
Orthodox, no, they weren't doing that.
The Hasidics were the one group in New York that were like, no.
No, yeah.
Fuck that.
It's so weird because they try to make it a redneck thing,
but then there's also these other vibes that don't quite fit in.
Hasidics or the Crystal people in like Berkeley, you know,
who are like also anti-vax.
The hippies.
You try to make it one thing.
Or like the Joe Rogan fans are all meatheads.
Like, no, no, no.
There's psychedelic heads and there's meatheads and there's all these different
styles.
You want to make it one thing, but it's not.
No, no.
We do that.
We try to put everything in a bin.
That's the internet.
That's the internet.
That was highlighted in that movie, The Social Dilemma.
I mean, what's going on with like this division that people are experiencing
right now.
Right, right.
We were talking about what happened during the pandemic when everybody was at
each other's throats.
That's part of it is that what you said is perfect, that now they're forced to
be online.
They're online way more, so it's hitting them even harder.
So at the end, you got the anxiety, the pandemic, and then you got a lot of
people's careers were disappearing.
Yeah.
A lot of people's livelihood, all their savings.
And then you're worried about dying from a fucking infectious disease that was
probably made in a lab.
Right.
And you're like, holy shit.
Is this real?
Hey, let me ask you a question I've never got.
It's also fun to say probably.
Yeah.
When I hear about this.
It was.
They go, we can say it's made in a lab.
We can't say it's made in a lab.
Now we can say it's made in a lab.
Now you can.
What is the benefit or negative of being able to say it's in a lab or not?
I'll answer that.
Here's the truth.
If you say it was made in a lab, somebody needs to be held accountable.
Oh, that's, they won't help to cure it?
And the dudes that are in power that should be held accountable are like, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
That's just, that's the only reason?
Some Chinese guy ate a fucking armadillo.
No, there's no, there's no solid direct proof.
There's a lot of anecdotal evidence.
There's a lot of evidence.
There's a lot of like emails back and forth.
There's a lot of shit that points to that lab in Wuhan.
A lot of shit.
Yeah.
There's a lot of lying about what is and what isn't gain of function research
and whether
or not they were doing it, whether or not they were funding it.
They most fucking certainly were.
And what do liberals have.
And they continue to fund it.
What do liberals have to gain by saying it was not made in a lab?
Because it's on the team.
Why would they carry the way?
That's racist.
Their team at the top is Fauci, who's absolutely connected.
And he says it's not, so then we all agree it's not.
To the lab that made the fucking thing.
Yeah.
But then they call it racist if you call it the Kung Flu or whatever.
But then Asian people are getting beat up and nobody talks about that.
What do you mean?
Well, because it's black people beating up the Asians.
So you're like, what?
Black homeless people.
Exactly.
But it's like, do you really care or not?
Do you really give a shit?
I don't want to ruin Chappelle's joke.
Do you ever hear that one?
Which one?
No.
Where he's like, I got COVID in my immune system.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He treated, his immune system was black dudes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And the COVID came in and it was Asians.
They're like, dude, shut up.
Dude, oh, fuck.
Well, I mean, that was the joke.
The amount of violence that has escalated in cities like New York.
I mean, the amount of violence that's escalated in New York is off the charts,
right?
It's like way higher than it's ever been in the last 10 years or so.
But I'm saying there's a lot of that performative shit.
Mothers are up in Austin at record levels.
Austin's out of control, dude.
It's these fucking, they have gang shootings.
Yeah, on 6th Street, dude.
What?
I think crime across the country is way up and New York crime is up at a lower
rate than the rest of the country.
They just hit random fucking dudes.
New York is at a lower rate of rise than the rest of the country.
Lower rate of rise, yeah.
It's higher, but not as high as other places.
Really?
Los Angeles is off the charts.
With gang?
Yeah.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Well, there's a lot.
But not just gang, it's just break-ins, you know, people robbing people.
How about those San Francisco lootings, like the group lootings?
Dude, you just walk into a fucking Gucci.
Yeah.
Flash money, grab it.
Wow, what a great idea.
Good for them.
And then you're a security guard.
You're like, fuck it.
This is where I sat at the broken shows in Calgary.
I was like, hey, guys, they won't let you smoke weed, but if you all light up,
they can't
do shit.
Right.
How are they going to stop you?
Yeah.
Stop the show.
That's what they'll do.
Yeah.
The weird thing is that they didn't anticipate that people would just walk into
Walgreens and
steal $900 worth of shit if you make it illegal to steal a thousand.
If you make it public, if you're like, hey, here's the limit.
You don't pick it out.
It's like, oh, great.
Those kiosks where they have, like, internet access and stuff like that, like,
oh, this
is cool.
Tourists can be able to plug in their phone and get internet access, and it's
like, oh,
it's just a homeless encampment.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you're like, oh, we didn't consider that.
Right.
Oh, yeah.
But, again, it's a performance, because, like, you say you care about people.
When the rubber meets the road, fat people are dying, but you can't say lose
weight.
Right.
Right.
So it's just this weird thing of, like, do you care or not?
If you really cared, you know, you know.
The left is the party of the gesture.
They love saying they're for something, but not actually doing anything.
They love just saying, like, look what I support.
But it's like, what have you done to get that?
You know?
Yeah.
You could say it.
How much is saying it changing anything other than just saying it?
I mean, and they're literally doing nothing different than the Republicans.
Right.
In terms of, like, globally.
Well, they are doing things different in terms of oil.
And that's part of the problem.
We should go nuclear.
Yeah.
Nuclear.
Love nuclear.
I mean, really is the hold up there.
Well, people have an association with nuclear disasters.
Right.
They have an association with Three Mile Island and Fukushima.
Three Mile Island.
Chernobyl.
717.
Let's go.
Yo.
Let's go.
As if a coal mine has never fallen through.
Sorry.
As if what?
As if a coal mine has never fallen through.
No one's ever dying during that.
Nobody's died.
Nobody died at TMI.
Exactly.
TMI.
Three Mile Island.
Oh.
Sorry.
TMI.
TMI.
I was like, what?
Too much information?
Where I'm from?
You didn't read too much.
That's TMI.
They know how to make way better nuclear reactors now than they ever did before.
Of course.
They're so much better at these power plants.
They can make them with multiple fail-safes so that if anything goes down,
everything's protected
and they can get them back online.
The one they did in Fukushima was, like, from the 1970s or something.
Dude, Fukushima is a fucking...
It's a mess.
Nightmare.
It's a mess.
Really?
Yeah, you can't even...
You can't go.
Still.
Like, they can't clean it up.
Can you go to Chernobyl or no still?
Yeah, well...
The Russians are in Chernobyl right now, shooting bulletproof wolves.
And then they got out of there.
Oh, Chernobyl's not in Russia?
They just got out of there.
It's in...
Really?
It's in...
Yeah.
Why they just...
The Russians...
I don't know.
The news I saw was they evacuated Chernobyl.
What is happening over there in Ukraine?
No one knows, dude.
Did you see...
Did you see that?
We're getting hit with pure, like, the craziest propaganda.
Propaganda.
Like...
What propaganda do you think we're getting hit with?
We're getting hit with, like, we need to make it a no-fly zone.
We need to shoot down every Russian...
Like, we're getting hit with that.
That is wild talk.
Yeah, that's wild talk, dude.
That's reckless.
That's...
That's the World War III talk.
We shoot down a fucking jet from Russia.
That's a real problem.
They're gonna...
Oh, that's a war.
They have hypersonic nukes.
Wow.
We don't have hypersonic nukes.
Did you see that thing that some Republican...
I think Republican senator was interviewing some, like, a war...
Oh, they're falling ill.
They got sick.
Of course they are, dude.
Yeah, it's Chernobyl.
It's still radioactive, bro.
It's still beaming out, radiation.
It's beaming out for fucking the next 100,000 years.
When those places go bad, they're bad forever.
Did you watch Chernobyl?
Well, maybe that's why...
Oh, for 1,000 years.
Yeah, what were you saying?
I think it's more than that.
What were you saying, Art?
There was some guy doing an interview with some lady who's in charge of the war.
And he goes, can you say positively that if there are...
There is no weapons of mass destruction or biological weapons in Ukraine?
And she goes...
Because he's leading her to say it for the press.
Oh, right.
And he goes...
And she goes, no, I can't say that.
Yeah, and then they admitted there's, like, 24 labs.
Yeah, and then he goes, well, can you say if it is used?
Would that be the Russians?
She goes, sure, I'll say that.
You know what's crazy is they call them biological research labs.
Now, okay, what is the difference between a biological weapons lab and a
biological research lab?
Like, is there a distinction?
Like, why are you...
What are you doing?
What's going on?
That's the PR.
Like, if you didn't tell me that they existed, and now you're telling me they
do exist, and you're calling them a biological research lab, that was always
like the crazy right-wing conspiracy theory was that the Ukrainians have the
fucking bioweapons labs.
People are like, shut up.
No, they don't.
And they're like, uh, actually, we do.
I distrust the media so much that I'm like, wait, why is Putin going in there?
I don't believe it's just that he's evil.
There's got to be an actual other reason.
But he's evil, too.
That's the problem.
It's like, he's clearly also poisoning his political ally or, you know.
But it's like, 9-11 was because they hate our freedom, and then after five
years, we're like, wait, no, that wasn't it.
Remember when you guys were dancing in New Jersey?
I love those dances, dude.
He put a turban on.
I love those dances.
You guys are dancing.
In the circle.
Yeah, dude.
Such a sick dance.
I'll give you guys, I'll give the Jews credit on that one.
Jews party.
You got a good dance.
Every party.
Everyone can do it.
You don't have to learn the dance.
It's just dancing a circle.
Jumping up and down on the bleachers and the Jews in the middle are different.
You ever see the remakes to, like, you get some hip-hop and you have the Jews
dancing to the hip-hop?
Yeah, they're the best.
They're the best.
The best ever.
Where are you at on the hot seeds?
Is that weird?
What do you mean?
Yeah, it's so nutty.
Oh, yeah.
The extreme part?
The sex through the sheet?
Yeah.
I don't know if that's real.
I actually support that.
Oh, it's real.
I support Mormons soaking.
Soaking is great.
You just stick your dick in and don't move it.
Don't move it.
Ooh, I like that.
It might not come in two seconds.
You would squirt anyway.
Of course.
You're going to move a little.
Dude, if I had a girl that was like, this is part of the program, instead of
like, I need
to be good at sex.
Yeah.
It'd be nice.
Jackpot, dude.
Yeah.
Orthodox Jews have sex through a sheet.
This common myth is completely false.
Nah.
I will talk about this in my next special.
Is it false?
Oh, boy.
Is it false?
Did you do it?
No, I don't know.
I don't think it is false, right?
Don't they do it?
It's true and false.
It's overpushed, but some people do it.
What's the thread count?
It's Egyptian.
I had a friend, and his girlfriend was Israeli, and she swore that it was a
real thing.
Well, sometimes it's what you hear, so you swear because I heard this.
Uh-huh.
It's not a commandment.
It's a barely done thing, but it's somewhat done.
But it's not a commandment.
It comes from like, we had this prayer shawl.
It's like a poncho that we wore under our shirts, and it's got a hole in it for
the neck.
Right.
And so what I believe is people were hanging it up to dry after the wash, and
racists would
come by and be like, what the fuck is that thing with the white towel?
Racists?
Racists.
And they go, I bet they fucked through that.
No.
Is that right?
Yeah.
But also, it is a solid, I think some people do it.
To stop yourself from getting distracted by thinking about your wife's naked
body.
What?
You cover her, so you don't have to look at her.
Whoa.
Is that ugly, huh?
It's debated.
I don't think it's that.
They're trying to run away from temptation.
I see.
They don't want to enjoy it.
Those big floppy J-tits.
I love a J-tit.
The Jew globes are the best globes.
You want beer 15?
We're having a good time.
We should go to 10 on this.
This is great.
Yeah, Jewish gals are super hot.
I like a good J, dude.
Oh, dude, I was plowing a J back in 2011.
Yeah, get to that on Shabbos.
It was really something.
She was a soul cycle instructor and a J.
Good work ethic.
And a squirter.
Good work.
Oh, what?
Yeah.
It means she peed on you.
Yeah, well, I'll take it.
It's solid work.
It doesn't matter.
That's still so fun.
R. Kelly me.
I mean, she was shooting.
It's definitely a lady peeing, but it's still fun.
What did the, like, the Amish didn't do shit during COVID either, right?
Did they ever catch it?
Don't know.
Did they have, like, an outbreak, a big outbreak in the Amish community?
Because they were another group that, like, completely treated COVID as if it
was not a thing.
They weren't doing anything differently than they did before.
They were very insular, so someone had to get it.
Death and religion, excess deaths sweep through Amish and Mennonite communities
during COVID-19 pandemic.
Well, there you go.
Dude, you know what's funny about that?
I'd like to know.
A horse in front of a dollar journal.
Is where I'm from?
I'm just reading a title.
I want to know what the actual meat of the story is.
Where I'm from, there's a ton of those dudes riding around.
Like, me and my friends used to drive by and be like, get a car, you dumb
motherfuckers.
Like, it was fun.
Lancaster's.
Yeah.
Big, big Amish.
Right next to us.
So we would always be there, and then every once in a while, like, a fucking
tractor trailer
would hit a fucking horse with a family in the, like, fucking ten of those
motherfuckers.
And then they, ah, never mind.
You know what's weird?
I've done shows in Lancaster, and I've seen these Amish kids at, like, a Wawa.
And you're like, what the fuck are you doing?
Well, yeah, yeah.
It's still like a pretzel.
There's some rules where you're, like, allowed to drive a car.
It's not Amish.
Mennonite can do way more than Mennonite.
Mennonite can do anything.
They look the same.
They look pretty scruffy, these kids.
We had a bunch of Mennonites at my high school.
Oh, okay.
Ari, do you remember?
And they stunk.
Hold up.
Yeah, exactly.
They would never shower.
They're not clean.
Ari, do you remember we were on the road, and we were at a truck stop, and
there was a
girl that was wearing some crazy outfit, and you walked up to her, and you go,
what is this?
You go, what kind of group are you in?
And she said, I'm a Mennonite.
Do you remember that?
Do you remember that?
Yeah, barely.
It's you guys.
We were in, like, Western Massachusetts.
I wanted to know.
We were on the middle of fucking nowhere.
Was that Chicopee?
Was that Dunbox fucking Chicopee?
Yeah, something like that.
Worst gig ever I did with you?
Yeah, worst gig ever.
Chinese restaurant.
Remember that?
We take the drive from L.A., and we stopped to get gas and food.
I mean, not from L.A., from Boston, rather.
Took the drive from Boston, stopped to get gas and food, and in the middle of
nowhere, there's
this poor girl in some weird religious outfit.
He's got vomit.
And Ari goes, what are you?
What are you?
What is this?
What kind of group are you in?
And she goes, oh, I'm a Mennonite.
He's like, mm.
The best part of that gig, we were leaving.
Chicopee is this fucking Chinese restaurant.
It was awful.
Yeah.
Some guy came on stage with me, took a selfie with an old camera, and I was
like, is anybody
going to stop this guy?
He just sat back down.
We're leaving.
We're in the car.
Tate's there.
He's never seen a Jew.
Some fucking 42-year-old chick is like, you guys want to see my tits, don't you?
And we were all like, no, we don't, ma'am.
100% we don't.
And she goes, you all see my tits.
And then she started raising her shirt by here.
See that belly.
By her belly button, you could already see tit.
She kept going.
Wow.
What are you doing, Ari?
I didn't know you had a tattoo on your hip.
Dude, I got to lose 10 more pounds.
You got to keep on trucking.
Ari had a full-on six-pack when we did the Sober October fitness challenge.
I got to lose 10 more pounds.
You look good, dude.
What do you weigh down?
You look good.
188.
I got it to 178.
That was what you were when you did Sober October?
By the end, 75.
75.
Shredded.
What's that tattoo mean?
Keep on trucking.
Oh, it says keep on trucking?
Yeah.
Yeah, in case you stop trucking and you want to keep going.
You need some motivation.
You got to look in your hip.
We did Bonnaroo.
You were shirtless the whole time.
You look great.
I love being with the shirt off.
Back then, yeah.
It is fun to have you shirtless.
I love it.
You can't do it though.
Burt would get mad.
You think Burt would get mad?
I don't do it on stage.
What if you did it on stage?
Look at that.
With hair too.
Ari, you can achieve that.
That's good, dude.
It can be done.
If you dedicate yourself for many decades.
Wait a minute.
Is that Leah Thomas?
Sober October.
That was the yoga challenge.
Look, Ari's so mad that I make him go to yoga.
I hated it.
I hated it.
Fuck you.
You fucking hate him so mad at me.
Because I was like, I can't just let you win.
So I had to do it.
So I was like, fuck you.
But Tom, the best was Tom just rented a Lamborghini.
And he goes, this is my new car.
And Burt was so angry on the way home.
So jealous.
He was like, he already had a Porsche.
Why'd you get a fucking Lamborghini?
I got to keep up.
He goes, I got to do 75 more Instagrams this week.
I get it.
I get being jealous.
We were at Vulcan last night.
Tony was like, you see this?
I was like, fuck.
It's Corvette.
That Corvette is the shit.
I got a 2018 Chevy Cruze.
It's like, it's coming out of his nose.
I don't even know what a Chevy Cruze is.
Oh, no.
Are you sure?
It's Ted Cruze's car.
It's a shitbox.
What is a Cruze?
What's a Chevy Cruze?
It's like a Ford Focus.
It's a round car.
Oh, so it's just a vehicle.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's what you want.
There it is.
Chevy Cruze.
That's a nice vehicle.
If you're going to kill somebody, that's a car you should drive to the house.
And no one's going to ever notice what it is.
Drill a hole in the back in the trunk for fucking sniping.
Like that guy in.
Look at that.
That's a nice interior.
That's a 14 Bud Light car.
Oh, you should have a couple BLs and drive a fucking Cruze.
It's just driving for you.
You should swipe a car and be like, oh.
I got to go home and eat, and we got a show in two hours.
Oh, shit.
How long have we gone?
It's 5.30 almost.
We got a long.
Should we do four hours?
Yeah, do your dates.
Do your dates.
Tell everybody Ari Shafir or AriTheGreat.com.
AriShafir.com, AriTheGreat.
Oh, no.
Is it?
Yeah.
Well, who's AriTheGreat now?
I just let it go.
Does it redirect?
I just let it go.
Have it redirect.
It used to be your website.
Why don't you have it redirect?
I don't know.
AriShafir.com.
Who's even going to it?
Some asshole.
Don't be nasty.
Stories on the show with this guy, Shane Gillis, Big J, Nate Bargatze, and Sal
at the Ryman Auditorium.
Biggest show we've ever done.
Yeah.
Great room.
Great room.
In Minneapolis and Chicago in June, but I'm taping my next special, Ari Shafir,
Jew, in New York City on June 11th and 12th.
Dang.
Don't make a cookie dough.
Shane Gillis, what you got going on?
Give me your dates.
I'm going to try my best.
He's only having 16 beers in now.
Look at that pile of cans.
That's a good pile, dude.
I'm going to take a photo of that.
That's a record for us.
This weekend.
When's this coming out?
Look at me.
Look at me.
Do it next weekend.
It's fucking empty.
When's this coming out?
Tomorrow.
All right.
Nice.
7th, 8th, and 9th will be at the Palm Beach Improv.
West Palm's good.
Shane Gillis, that's a great club.
That's a great club.
That's a fun club.
Yeah, there you go.
Good Nights.
Another great club.
That'll be good.
North Carolina.
Fucking great club.
Kid Rock's thing.
Zany's.
Kid Rock's comedy show?
You're fucking in Nashville.
Yeah, for sure.
Kid Rock is a comedy show?
Where is it?
Dude, at Ryman.
Oh my god, that's amazing.
Dude, I'm so excited.
You're performing twice in Ryman in three days?
Yeah, I'm there for a week.
Did I tell you about Kid Rock's house?
Yes.
He's got a white house?
Yes, I told you that.
Dude, his videos are the best.
Did I tell you Ari?
No.
He's got a fucking, he built a white house on his property.
He's the best.
He has hundreds of acres outside of Nashville.
He built a replica of the white house, but it's way bigger than the white house.
Just a storm?
It's like 27,000 square feet.
It has two bedrooms.
Okay, the whole house is part.
Dude, he's the best.
He has a yellow shower.
It's a golden shower.
You go in there, it's literally golden tiles.
Golden shower.
He has a fucking gold elevator, and the contractor was like, do you want to
hide the elevator walls?
He goes, fuck that.
I want people to go to Kid Rock's house and say, Kid Rock's got a fucking gold
elevator.
Oh my god.
So in the middle, when you walk into this house, you see a gold elevator.
It is the wildest house you've ever, it's a full-on party house.
You don't work with Tucker?
I'm Tucker.
I heard about him.
I'm uncancellable.
I sell my own tickets.
I'm uncancellable.
It's so funny to watch Tucker be excited.
Really?
Like anything Kid Rock says, Tucker's like, oh.
And then there's one part where Kid Rock's like, yeah, Republicans used to be
fucking lame, dude.
They used to wear like sweaters and button-downs.
Like he described exactly what Tucker was.
Right, right.
Tucker's like, well, I'm comfortable.
Button-down's up to it.
I'm comfortable with the button-down.
Dude, we're going to a Kid Rock show with Jay.
You're invited.
Oh, I can't wait.
And we're all going to go.
I mean, it's Kid Rock.
It's great.
We're all going, fuck you, Brandon hats.
We're just going full on.
We're doing the Kid Rock show at the Ryman.
And then I think there's a comedy jam after.
At Kid Rock's bar.
Damn.
Bro.
On 6th Street.
What a weekend.
Bro.
That sounds like fun.
I mean, it's going to be.
Mark Norman, what's your dates?
What you got going on?
He fucked Pam Landerson.
Let's see.
Indianapolis this weekend.
Holy hell.
I need help there.
Then I'm at the Carolina Theater in Durham.
I got this theater tour.
I can't fill it up.
I need your help.
Addison Improv.
Bricktown.
Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas on 420.
Yes.
Looking for a 420 show here in Austin.
Moon Tower.
Yeah, come by if you want.
Beautiful.
The Vic in Chicago.
420, I'm going to be in Fort Worth.
What are you doing in Denver on one show?
Irvine Improv.
Back at the Paramount in Denver.
Wow.
Cleveland, Agora.
You name it.
Got a lot of theaters.
Help me out.
D.C.
Lincoln Theater.
Yes.
MarkNormanComedy.com.
We might be drunk all over the road.
Tuesdays with stories.
Praise Allah.
We'll see you now.
I got MGM Grand Garden Arena July 1st in Vegas with Bryan Simpson, Tony Hinchcliffe,
and Hans Kim.
Oh.
That's a diverse black, white, Asian.
Let's go, baby.
Now the show's fun, dude.
Let's go.
Bryan Simpson's a good egg.
That guy, an Asian, and a homosexual.
Walk into a bar.
Those are on pre-sale right now.
You've got to go to my website.
Use the code ROGAN.
Buy them before the scalpers do it.
That's my pre-growth.
It's ROGAN.
All right.
Bye, everybody.
Bye-bye.
We'll see you in a month.
What a fun time.
This is the fucking best.
I love it.
We'll see you in a minute.
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