What Ari Shaffir Would Be Like At War

Are you worried at all about something like that? Are you worried about a war? With China? Do you ever think like Russia, China? Like I've been hearing this term, hot war. You know, like we're involved in a cold war with Russia and we're involved in a cold war with Russia. What are they if I'm hot war? What are they if I'm hot war? Bullets. Oh, yeah, I mean, I don't know if I can imagine us getting into a war like that again, but I do worry about like, like hacking, like more of like a, what's it called? Cyber war. Yeah, cyber war. I think that's much more likely. It is much more likely, but goddamn, if there was some sort of like a real attack from China or from Russia, it would be more China than Russia. I think that what I'm from what I understand, Russia does not really have the money. They have, you know, they have a military, but they don't have the kind of military that we have. It's pretty big drop off from the United States to what Russia has, but they're scary enough and dangerous enough that we have to keep an eye on them. I feel like ever since nuclear weapons came about, people are like, yeah, let's not do those kinds of wars anymore. Yeah, we still do them in Iraq. We still did it in Afghanistan. We'll still go in if there's air quotes, insurgents. Right. Yeah. And, you know, we need the oil. Yeah, a little bit. Our oil is getting a little low. No, I think about, I think often like, what if there was a war and they had to put the draft back in? And then I think about all my guy friends and I'd be like, well, first of all, I don't want them to fight, like, because I like them. But also, can you imagine like Mark Normand, like as a soldier? He's a pretty fit guy. He's very fit, but I can't imagine him like killing people, you know, like I can't imagine him on a battlefield. He'd probably make snarky jokes. I can imagine Ari can kill people. I can imagine Ari killing people. I can imagine Ari giving the other soldiers some sort of pill. Yeah, for sure. He would definitely dose their water supply. Guys, I know how to stop this. Just find the reservoir and dump a bucket of acid into it. This is just going to make whatever happens today a lot of fun. Like, who out of your friends do you think would be a good soldier? Um, well, I think Dan Soder would be a good soldier. He's a big fellow. He's a big guy. And he's also just like, I think. He's a football player. He was a football player. I mean, he's a teddy bear, but he's also, I think, for the right reasons, he'd be like, I would kill them. But it would have to feel personal to him. Personal? Yeah, like the commies. I don't think, uh, it's more fun to think about the people I don't think could do it. Like, there's no way Keith Robinson, even before his stroke, was getting into a war. That's fucked up. But after the stroke, maybe he's got less to lose. No, he's even now. He'd be like, I'm out. I got a stroke. Look at me. I can't fight. Has he had any recovery of his motor skills? He, it's still pretty much like not super usable. Yeah. But he gets up on stage every night. Jokes are probably funnier than ever. His stroke material is like really, really good. Really? Yeah. Wow. That's awesome. Yeah. And he's one of my favorite people to sit at the table with. Yeah. Because you sit down, you're immediately making fun of each other. Right. Right. You know, you're making fun of everyone else. Like, it's just jokes the whole night. It's so fun. People don't understand why that's so fun for us. It's... To shit on each other. It's great. It's so much fun. It's one of my favorite things to do. It's one of my favorite things too about comics is shit on each other. Yeah. It's fun. And it also, it's good for you. Yeah. It really is. Yeah. It's healthy to like get shit on, to laugh and like know that you could laugh at yourself. People who can't laugh at someone's shitting on them, they're the worst. The worst. It's the worst. Yeah. It's just like, we're just having fun. Yeah. It's also like, it allows us to say the stuff that like, because comics will say pretty much anything on stage, but there is a line where we're like, no, this is for only other comics. Yes. You know? It's so true. Like this is, we gotta... Yes. There's often times we'll be in a discussion and we'll kind of look around and be like, if that guy heard any of that stuff we were talking about having sex with midgets, I don't think any of us are going to have a career anymore. Yeah. If someone put like a hidden camera and a hidden microphone in the back bar of the comedy store, oh Jesus Christ. No. Yeah. I mean, really, really in trouble. I'm trying to shock other comics. You know? I'm trying to shock road hardened veterans. Oh, because our problem is that like, we want to say the funniest thing. Yeah. And normally that's way past the line. Right. Even past our line where you're just like, no, this isn't.