The Time Ari Spiked Bert's Drink with Molly | JRE Sober October 2019

Do you eat healthy? Uh, I am now. Sometimes? You are now? I am now. I lost, I'm down 21 pounds. Really? Yeah. Fuck. Would you just take a big shit? I went to the cardiologist and he was like, this is dumb. Really? And he's like, amen. You're getting a fatty liver. I heard you talking with the black stripes. Yes. About that. White stripes. The white, no, not the white stripes. Black keys. Black keys. Black keys. You're getting- Always with the black and the white. You're getting- So- He's the racist comic. I did not keep that going. It sucks. It sucks. It's done. It's over. It sucks. It's the worst. You're the Fuhrer of Funny. He's the Fuhrer of Funny. I can't wait to- we give Ari his nickname. He made a fatty liver? Legitimately? No, no. He said it's at the beginning. He said you- because he'd been testing my livers every night. You've been having a hard time for the last- Wait, wait. That's no joke. You lost how much? 21 pounds. That's crazy. In the last- how long? In one month. Are you down below the- What? I didn't drink. That was a big thing. I didn't drink and I worked and I go to hot spin every day and I was home and so I wasn't doing- Hot spin. Hot spin. So it was like hot yoga but you're spinning? Yeah. They have the heat on. It's like 100 something degrees. It's awesome. Ooh. Wow. Dude. Yeah. I took a briny shop. What's it called? What is it? Hot spin. Just called hot spin? The sweat shop in Toluca Lake. The sweat shop with two B's in a lee. Yeah. It's called appropriating slave labor. It is. It's a sweatshop. For some rich fucking suburban people to exercise. Because sweatshops are a real thing. It's a bargain. Some it's history. And you would never understand so why don't you be quiet and let the black people talk here. Tell them, Ari. So you've been going to that and- wait, what did the doctor say? Will you say what he said? Yeah. Yeah. So he said you got a fatty lip and then what else? He goes- he did a sonogram of my organs every time. He does like a sonogram of them. Yeah. He said your liver's looking fatty. I said, I like my- is that from drinking? He goes, no, it's because you're 258 pounds. And he's like, it's the most common thing I see when I go and work as a doctor for like clinics. As like, just donate his time. He goes, everyone's got a fatty litter. It's just the- and that is the cause of the beginning of your decline for your health. And I went, whoa. I just- it freaked me out. And I was like, all right, no booze, no sweets, no sugars, no pastas, no breads. And I was like, I'm losing. I'm going to fucking lose weight. So you didn't drink it all for a month? No, I had like a couple drinks. I know, but you always- It's his for me. For me. His road-drinking. Ari and I decided we're going to set this up like when the Navy SEALs get to ring the bell to quit. We're going to set this place up with ice and vodka. Time to. Just leave it all laying out on the table. Today's the day. I could easily tap out first day. Well, we were- First day you had the most decay by quitting. That's the day. We were thinking that we kind of cheated by smoking cigars. Well, it's already done. We got high on these cigars. We were hoping. If anyone's cheating, it's Ari's alcoholic kombucha. We were hoping that you guys are going to tell us that we already cheated. Oh my God. It'd be lovely. Hey, guess what? You're right. You're losers. It's over. All right, let's enjoy our months. I got a 12 o'clock flight tonight. So no sugar, no pasta, no booze, or very little booze. Very little booze. That's great. What's very little? What's very little? A Friday, Saturday. Like I could drink on Friday or Saturday. But how much did you drink on Friday? Not much. All of it? I get super... I get like the first two Friday centers I didn't drink. Post or you were getting an IV because... Oh, by the way, wait till I tell you what happened. That backfired on me big fucking time. Why? Why do you need it though? Let's start with Ari slipping me Molly. Let's start there. You slipped them on? Yeah. Dude, what are you doing? What are you doing? How much? It's enough. Interesting. How did you do it? Where was this? It was at his house. It was at my house in front of my children. Oh. We had a shot before we started. I had an empty outer capsule and fucking put it into a shot. Are you out of your mind? The left foot of the shot. Are you out of your mind? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was great. No, it wasn't. It was great. It was not. You're making me go on this fucking stupid shit. Yeah. What kind of sociopathor are we friends with? He did it to punish me. Because I have to be sober. You don't give up, Molly. You're only giving up alcohol. I don't do Molly because I can just get back from the doctor and he said, it's time to get healthy. I agree. Yeah. I agree. You don't think it's fucking crazy that you would do that? A bit. Yeah. You're not doing it to your fucking college roommate. You're just like- Did you even get the Molly tested? Where are you buying this Molly? I've not done it for my favorite Molly dealer. It's great, Molly. And you just spiked his drink? Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty sure high-curl is 12. I did out three- Guys, you're all two. I wouldn't want to kill you. I wouldn't fucking want to kill you. He wanted to for about 10 minutes until the Molly kicked in. Then he was fine. How fun was it? It's not by the positives. It's Molly. I was on a... I had to fly that night. I was on a fucking plane going like, when's this going to fucking stop? Because I didn't know that orange juice kicks it back up. So I'm drinking- Orange juice kicks it back up? Vitamins for C. I don't know. You drink a lot of orange juice generally? On the fucking plane, I'm drinking, trying to get hydrated because I'm all fucking Molly. And so I'm drinking Tito's and orange juice. Wait a minute. You're drinking Tito's while you're on Molly? Hey, Joe. Joe, party's in. Party's in. Okay, I didn't pick the Molly. But you already knew you were on it. Yeah. And I was having severe panic attacks. Because I'm like, I don't do Molly. And I'm thinking that kid died from Molly in Mexico. Which kid? That comedy writer. Oh yeah, I don't think it was that. He died from Molly and I'm sitting there going- That was the story. I'm 46, I got high blood pressure, high cholesterol. I'm on meds. It was great. He noticed how great his wife looked and he was like, she's awesome. I've got a great wife. I was definitely on Molly. He was looking at it through the window. Like, you're def- Do you do this a lot? No. Do you spike drinks? I've never done it before. Really? Yeah. The first time. And what made you fucking want to- Because I don't really want to do the sobriety things. You mean for the month? So you just forced him to do a drug? Yeah, so he's doing it for me. Yeah, a fun, hard party drug. We had a great time. Would you do that to Tom? Or would you only do that to Bert? He said he'd do it to you. If this podcast was yesterday, then yeah, you would have all been dosed. Seriously? Yeah. I said to him, you would not do this to Joe and he goes, 100% I would. Yeah, if this podcast was yesterday, it wouldn't have broken up sobriety. But why would you do that when you just offer it to us? Yeah. Why would you do that? He wouldn't take it. No way he'd take it. You I could offer it to, you're a fucking grown up. This is child. You're not a grown up. But how mad would you be if you got spiked? I'd be very mad. They'd beat you out of your house. It was your last- I have something to do. The problem is if you have something to do that's out the window. You were good. Thank you. We were planning a drunk at the podcast. I was planning on having a couple drinks with you and then getting you out of my house, having dinner with my children, relaxing, getting on a plane, and going on tour. Instead, that's scrap. You had so much fun. I don't believe your fake anger. That's a weird one, Ari. There's no fake anger in this. That's a weird one. Here's what I did. It was. I want to be on your side with this, Ari. Thank you. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. End of story. Thank you. He said he's not on your side. That's not what I heard. He said how much he likes being on my side. Look, I would like to be on your side too, but I would be enraged if you hear that to me. He said he said I'm going to call Tom. He's going to be really mad at you. I'm like, there's no- Tom's going to die laughing instantly. And he goes, no, he's going to be mad at you. How many times have you done Molly? Me? Yeah. I don't think I've ever- No, none. Zero. Zero. Yeah. You? Four? When I was a kid. Did ecstasy. Yeah, I guess- Okay, so once- I've never done Molly. I've never done Molly. Molly's just pure ecstasy. Yeah, I've never done Molly. It's way better. It's better for you. Have you? Yeah, once. Like you put the powder in your lip or- Just took pills. Yeah. Yeah. The problem was the next day. Thank you. I was so dumb. The next day I remember being in a coffee shop trying to read a magazine. Yeah. I couldn't read. I couldn't take in a paragraph. I would try to read a paragraph and then it would start over again. And I would try to read it again. You're out of your mind. What do you mean? And then it would start over again. It's great. And then I bombed that night. Thank you. And when I went on stage that night. You got to stand up. I had to go on tour to what, 2800 people that night on the next night on Molly. And I was like, I did two shows. You're on Molly. You're on Molly for being an out of his way there. I was like coming off of drugs. And I was like, I was like mother, like I was shaky. I couldn't think straight. And I was like fucking. You can't think straight. Yeah. Once you do get off that stuff, the thing is like, you're dumb. Like you're, you're, you're, you're all your brain juice is all fucking squeezed out. You don't think, I mean, like you definitely would see that spiking a girl's drink is not okay. Right. If it's for sex. Yeah, then it's not okay. But it was just for goofs. For goofs. Yeah. If you're friends. What? In the right circumstances. Absolutely. Listen, listen, Bill Cosby, listen, Bill Cosby, you're a little bit Dr. Huggs over here. You're a little fucking. You're only pulling sex into it. If it's just for fun, good times. What is the right circumstances where you'd be able to drug. If a bunch of people are out and then everyone's going to do acid and then some parties, somebody's always like kind of like express interest in acid and then you don't know if they're going to do it or not. So you're just like, I'm, I know you, you would like this. You took some. I think you know, it's not okay. I think you know. I know you, I know you regretted it. After you did it the next day, I think you felt bad about it. I felt no, I felt great. I thought it was so fun. I noticed how you text and Tom did too. You were like, Hey man, I had a great time the other day. I told you what to take five HDP. That's great. Did it help? Stabilizer. Oh, nothing helped. So wait, did all this lead to the IV? Is this what the IV is? I was like, I was just, I was shaking and I was like, man, I don't feel right. And they're like, you're on Molly last night. You didn't sleep on the plane. I flew all through the night. Didn't sleep. I was just fucking like, did it fuck up your shows? Uh, I don't know. I don't know. No, I don't think so. I mean, I, I, I, people think, I think people think I'm hammered on stage anyway. And so, but what happened was I couldn't the whole weekend, I kept trying to just write the boat by going like, and you can't do that without, you just got to do that by like getting off. But it's my last weekend of sober October and it's just, that's why I'm like, right now I'm just like, fuck. Damn, Ari. I'm sorry. I don't believe him. I'm not sorry. I'm so glad I did it. Yeah. Are you serious? What if I had died? Then I'd be more sorry. Whose podcast was it? Yours? Mine. It was great. I'm on Molly. Yeah. I tell you the fucking, I'll tell you, I will never, I love this man. Joey Diaz. I called, I called you. To calm down. Then I called, I'm panicking. I'm in a panic. You called me? Yeah. I didn't get a call. I was on stage, right? And then I called you back after. Tom called me back and then Joey Diaz, I said, Ari just slipped me Molly. And all he said is, I'll be there in 10 minutes. He came to the house, sat with me. He's like, you told the stories. He's going to be fine. He just told stories. The sun was going over his shoulder and it was just setting. It was so beautiful. He's like a fucking, it was like, he was like a God. You definitely shouldn't do that, Ari. Okay. But talk about the good parts though. No. So it was beautiful. You're like a guy that raped her going, yeah, but you like dick, right? So the dick was in you. You like dicks in you. So talk about how great it was with the sun setting behind Joey Diaz as he tells you stories of starting comedy. He wants to, I mean, you know what he's doing, right? He's like, see, it was a good night. It was so great. It was so fun. I can't, I can't, I can't co-sign this because I don't want kids hearing this going, Oh, Ari did it. Savage Ari Shafir. No, no, I'm not going to spike my friend's drink. Good point. Good point. I can't co-sign it. I can't even release the fucking podcast because I don't want, I don't want anyone going like, cause I am in a good mood. I'm old Molly. Yeah. I'm high as shit. You don't want anyone getting active representation of what Molly does to you. I don't want kids. It's different if I take it myself over a train either. The whole podcast is about you drugging me. It's not about me taking Molly. I think you've expressed that you were against it on the podcast. The views of this podcast do not represent. Do you know how hard it is to be your friend? You had such a good time. It was so great to see you all smiles. But it's weird that you never, you never dosed anybody before. But you chose that one moment to dose Bert. Yeah. I realized how great it would be. I had to take out from LA. If you went to Tom's house to do a podcast and you had the Molly on you, you think you would have dosed him? Okay. He says he's different. Here's why it's different. Tom alone hasn't really, I feel like he's not the reason I have to do this month of sobriety where I do blame you a lot more. Then let's not do it. I'm down with that. I don't want to be scared to be around you. I won't dose you again. That's a one-time only thing. Bring the ice. Just get the ice. That's a one-time only thing. You got to not do that again, dude. No, that's a one-time only thing. I'm concerned about releasing the podcast because I'm wondering if there's like, someone's going to go, that's illegal. Let's fucking call the police. Like I'm, there's- Well, this podcast wouldn't exist. Without some legalities. This podcast the entire time we were doing it, we were smoking weed from the beginning of the podcast 10 years ago. Yeah. Weed's only been legal since two years ago. Todd, you laugh like crazy when you heard about it. Well, I'm on the phone in a green room and he's like, Oh, he spiked my drink. I was like, He spiked my drink. So I didn't know like really what was going on. I didn't know he was even serious. I mean, I'm on the phone. He's got a hydro flask with his name on it. What? Like a little kid. A machine. Little kid with a notebook. Like no one's touching my drink. Turn it, turn it to something somebody's going to say. So like a little kid with a notebook that says, birth, seven grade. Yeah. He said he, we went, I went to the, I couldn't, I couldn't be around my kids. I just say goodbye to my kids that night. High as fuck. I go to my daughter's room. She's got these lasers that make stars on her ceiling and you're blowing up. I'm just like, okay. It's like, I'll turn it up. I go turn this up, daughter. She gave me a hug and I was like fucking beaming. I was like, I smelled her hair and I was like, God, I fucking love you. That sounds awesome. And I'm like, and in my head, I'm like, Joey said something to me. They goes, you would have already had your stroke. Would have already happened. So come here. Like Joey's a doctor? No, but in those moments, in those moments, it helps. It's just panic attacks. Right, right, right, right. So I give to Island, Georgia hugs and kisses goodbye. Give Leanne the longest kiss goodbye. And it's by the way, my flight's not leaving until midnight and it's like seven o'clock. I can't be in there. I can't be around them. It's my, I'm like talking fucking quick. I have big ideas. And so then I go to the store. Wait, how good was the shower? Shower was pretty amazing. Yeah, right. Shower was pretty, I can't deny Molly's not fucking amazing. It's just the surprise element. It's the surprise. The come down's not worth it, my opinion. Come down's not worth it at all. But then we went to the store. What did you do? I just hung out. I just had to, I needed to be somewhere and I couldn't just wait at the airport. So the only place safe was like, It's 9 30. Yeah, the store. So I sat at the store for like an hour drinking. Comedy store. Yeah, the comedy store. So you went on Molly to the comedy store. Yeah, I just went there to hang out in the back room. He came in all angry like, I'm so mad at you. And then David Spade was there and he loves celebrities. So I was like, what happened? He's like, all right, it's a fun story. Let me tell you. I did was killing in the green room. You were killing. I was killing. By the way, I took it on stage and it destroyed on stage. But, but, but, but. So you were high on Molly on stage? No, no, no, no, no. I know that I told about getting. Oh, so you told the next day when you were doing your shows. Yeah. I want to say just that you guys are gonna see, it sucks. Yeah, what am I gonna do with it? Yeah. I'm laying my tour bus. That's good. You should do that. If you get raped. What if that's the new, what if that's the new machine? It's I won't, I won't be. Hey man, why, why so negative? Because I, it's amazing. I go, I, maybe that's your new thing. Instead of like taking your shirt off, people just spike your drink. Oh my God. He just started. Oh, did you say that? Oh my God. No way. Do not do that. Do not do that. Do you say that? I'm out. I'm out. You're not. I'm fucking out of this podcast. He's the one who spiked your drink and he's like, don't say that. Don't do that. It's hilarious. Now you cannot, you can't accept drinks from anywhere. It's a one-time only thing. No, not with our fucking fans. It happens when I'm done. It's over. Everybody that's done. I know. I find our fans to be lovely. Dude, you have to apologize. That is a one-time thing. I listen, I'm sorry. I'm glad I had a great time with you, but I'm sorry you had to come to me doing it behind your back. Cut that fucking thing off your wrist. But I'm glad we did it. It was so much fun. At some point he just goes, he was like starting to get angry and then he goes, oh, your eyes are great. Let me see those eyes. Beautiful eyes. Yeah, thanks. I would say. Wouldn't the world be a better place if everybody was on just a smidge? Yeah. Just a smidge of Molly all the time. Probably. A lot more empathetic world. I didn't even give him a full dose. Thanks, man. You're welcome. Like a half a dose? The best is he goes, we were in the store and I'm talking to Tony Hinchcliffe and I go, he would never have done it to anyone else. He only would have done it to me. And he goes, that's not true. That's not true. Would you do this to Rogan? He goes, 100%. It was all of us together. It was all of us together, yes. No, you and Joe at his house, you wouldn't spike his drink and then go, hey man. If he forced me into a thing where I had to give up things I love for a month, then yeah, he would have got it. So Ari has been mad at you and I'm probably the only one here besides him that listens to his podcast. You don't listen to his podcast. I do. Ari gets fucking furious at you, Burt, for this. Oh, then fucking let's stop. You got me. So Bob, October, what are we doing with our lives? You really get mad at him for that? So mad. So mad. He got so mad. It was crazy. It didn't even do anything. He drank just as much after October as before. It never curbed anything. What are we still doing this for? He's got a point that the whole reason why we did it in the first place was to try to sober you up. We didn't think he'd be able to do it. He had no problem at all. So are we announcing that on the 1st of October, we're done with this shit? Listen, no one has a problem here except Burt. I like a glass of wine with dinner maybe too. I like a shot of whiskey before I go on stage. That's nice too. Maybe occasionally I like a beer while I'm on stage. Watching the Yankees. I'm not a drinker in the sense of I don't get drunk a lot. If I get drunk once a month, it's a crazy month, like drunk. And it's usually somewhere whether I'm like with you guys or something. And we're just maybe a podcast. We just start doing drinks. You just get like a little, I've always wondered that. Do you just get like a buzz? Like a little buzz and then you're fine? Then I stop. Did I work out too much? I'm too healthy. I'm getting up in the morning most mornings. I'm either doing yoga or I'm running or I'm lifting weights and doing cardio. I just, I can't take the beating. And at 52, it's not fun.