The Alleged Chinese Spy Who Seduced Politicians

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Ari Shaffir

68 appearances

Ari Shaffir is the host of "The Skeptic Tank" and "You Be Trippin'" podcasts. His latest comedy special, "Ari Shaffir: Jew," is available now via YouTube. www.arishaffir.com

Shane Gillis

18 appearances

Shane Gillis is the co-host of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" with Matt McCusker and one half of the sketch comedy duo "Gilly and Keeves" with John McKeever. Watch his new comedy series, "Tires," and special, "Beautiful Dogs" on Netflix.www.shanemgillis.com

Mark Normand

16 appearances

Mark Normand is the co-host of the podcasts "Tuesdays with Stories" with Joe List and "We Might Be Drunk" with Sam Morril. Watch his latest stand-up special, "Soup to Nuts," on Netflix.www.marknormandcomedy.com

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Transcript

I heard Ben and Etonl, like it was really like another guy. Shane knows about this. I don't know if that's true. What happened with Ben and Etonl? Shane should know. I just know he rushed out of West Point while George was there. Trader Joe's. Hamilton, they all chased out. I'm sure there was something there. But it may be his family that wrote that, you know? It was like him and his wife escaped. He went to the... Where did he go to the British? He was a hero though. He was a hero. He was the captain of the fort at West Point. And yeah, slipped out. They said that was the only time they saw George Washington crying. Whoa. When he left. Maybe it was because of Busy. Maybe it was really hot redhead. He was with his wife. Yeah. Wouldn't she? He was like, you gotta get out of here, baby. Snuck out in the middle of the night. Yeah. Like a bitch, dude. And then where'd he go? Just straight to the Brits? There was ships out in the harbor. He just went out and joined the British. He said, here's how you take the fort or whatever. Whoa, he told them everything. He had to get in. So he gave you all the info. Was his wife British? I'm not sure. Probably dirty bitch. I bet you're disgusting bitch. Those hot Russian broads come over here and trick CIA guys. Trick our fucking beautiful president, Donald Trump. Hey trick them all. They trick everybody. This hot Russian broad. That was the spy way. If you're a fucking guy in the government and you meet a hot Russian lady, you're like, God damn it. I'm fucked. It's like meeting a shark when you're in the ocean. Right. It's over. There's nothing wrong. I just look good. Oh, she's just a ballerina. Nothing weird about this. Just plays violin. She likes me. She likes me and I'm disgusting. Who's the politician that was fucking the Chinese spy? Oh, it's so funny. It's the worst thing. It's so funny. Hey, you know that chicken fucking? Oh, please don't tell me. My wife found out. I was like, no, way worse. Worse. She's a Chinese spy. Chinese spy. And you opened up. Yeah. Dude, just think about being like, oh fuck. Imagine that job. Think about everything you told her. But my wife does not know though. Suspected Chinese spy reportedly slept with courted US officials to gain intel. Wow. How many officials? More than one? She's banging a bunch of guys. So she's really just a glorified prostitute. She's by Fang Fang. You're like a helpful prostitute. What was her name? Her name's Fang Fang. No way. There's nothing funny about that. Her name was Fang. Oh, it is Fang Fang. Wow. AKA Christina Fang. Enter the US through California as a college student in 2011. Spent the next four years wooing everyone from local politicals to US conferences. The prostitute. Wow. Who travels? Among the polls Fang got close to was California Democrat Eric Swalwell. She also once helped raise funds for Tulsi Gabbard. Uh oh. She was helpful along the way. You think she's on a mission? I don't think so. She probably was doing hopes of that. I think you're gonna. She at least was like threw it out there. Test the waters. Hey Gabby, Fang Fang. I'm waking up and someone being like, dude, you're chick. He's like, fucking Fang Fang? She's like, oh, you'd be good for the CC thing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She had sex with an Ohio mayor in a car. An incident caught on FBI electronic surveillance. Which guy was it? That's her right there? Kiss, kiss, Fang Fang. She's not bad. She's not great. I'll be honest. Not bad. That's probably how you get by. She looks regular. You get by by being regular. Can't be too high. She looks regular, yep. What a stupid fucking spy to just fuck a mayor in Ohio. Maybe it works. We got a lot of information out of this guy. He's the mayor of fucking Cleveland. Right. The mayor of Cleveland knows that the FBI is going to be in town because of this name. She's setting back Morse code like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is expanding. Also, they're changing the name to the Guardians. The cure is winning. But also, she's a human being. Even though she's working as a spy, maybe she just wanted to fuck the mayor in a car. Human being, she's Asian. Unrelated, you're saying. She was like, hey, I'm trying a bigger thing, but this guy's cool. Yeah, she wants to fuck him. Maybe. Maybe all of her sex can't be for Intel. I don't know. That's hot Intel puss. Another US mayor described as older and from obscure city in Midwest called Fang his girlfriend at a conference in Washington, DC in 2014. Oh. Damn. Fang, Fang. She's sucking the mayor of Sioux City. The but so did mayor insisted the pair's relationship was the real deal despite their age differences. Oh, she's fucking old guys. This doesn't work for guys. A guy can't be a spy that fucks all the female. She allegedly worked working at the direction of Chinese ultra secret ministry of state security spy agency. Oxymoron. Hmm. Interesting. Fang Fang, goddamn it. Who is she now in jail? I don't know. Where is she? She got traded for Brittany Griner. Nah. Bye.The Jerogan experience. I heard Ben and Etonl, like it was really like another guy. Shane knows about this. I don't know if that's true. What happened with Ben and Etonl? Shane should know. I just know he rushed out of West Point while George was there. Trader Joe's. Hamilton, they all chased out. I'm sure there was something there. But it may be his family that wrote that, you know? It was like him and his wife escaped. He went to the... Where did he go to the British? He was a hero though. He was a hero. He was the captain of the fort at West Point. And yeah, slipped out. They said that was the only time they saw George Washington crying. Whoa. When he left. Maybe it was because of Busy. Maybe it was really hot redhead. He was with his wife. Yeah. Wouldn't she? He was like, you gotta get out of here, baby. Snuck out in the middle of the night. Yeah. Like a bitch, dude. And then where'd he go? Just straight to the Brits? There was ships out in the harbor. He just went out and joined the British. He said, here's how you take the fort or whatever. Whoa, he told them everything. He had to get in. So he gave you all the info. Was his wife British? I'm not sure. Probably dirty bitch. I bet you're disgusting bitch. Those hot Russian broads come over here and trick CIA guys. Trick our fucking beautiful president, Donald Trump. Hey trick them all. They trick everybody. This hot Russian broad. That was the spy way. If you're a fucking guy in the government and you meet a hot Russian lady, you're like, God damn it. I'm fucked. It's like meeting a shark when you're in the ocean. Right. It's over. There's nothing wrong. I just look good. Oh, she's just a ballerina. Nothing weird about this. Just plays violin. She likes me. She likes me and I'm disgusting. Who's the politician that was fucking the Chinese spy? Oh, it's so funny. It's the worst thing. It's so funny. Hey, you know that chicken fucking? Oh, please don't tell me. My wife found out. I was like, no, way worse. Worse. She's a Chinese spy. Chinese spy. And you opened up. Yeah. Dude, just think about being like, oh fuck. Imagine that job. Think about everything you told her. But my wife does not know though. Suspected Chinese spy reportedly slept with courted US officials to gain intel. Wow. How many officials? More than one? She's banging a bunch of guys. So she's really just a glorified prostitute. She's by Fang Fang. You're like a helpful prostitute. What was her name? Her name's Fang Fang. No way. There's nothing funny about that. Her name was Fang. Oh, it is Fang Fang. Wow. AKA Christina Fang. Enter the US through California as a college student in 2011. Spent the next four years wooing everyone from local politicals to US conferences. The prostitute. Wow. Who travels? Among the polls Fang got close to was California Democrat Eric Swalwell. She also once helped raise funds for Tulsi Gabbard. Uh oh. She was helpful along the way. You think she's on a mission? I don't think so. She probably was doing hopes of that. I think you're gonna. She at least was like threw it out there. Test the waters. Hey Gabby, Fang Fang. I'm waking up and someone being like, dude, you're chick. He's like, fucking Fang Fang? She's like, oh, you'd be good for the CC thing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She had sex with an Ohio mayor in a car. An incident caught on FBI electronic surveillance. Which guy was it? That's her right there? Kiss, kiss, Fang Fang. She's not bad. She's not great. I'll be honest. Not bad. That's probably how you get by. She looks regular. You get by by being regular. Can't be too high. She looks regular, yep. What a stupid fucking spy to just fuck a mayor in Ohio. Maybe it works. We got a lot of information out of this guy. He's the mayor of fucking Cleveland. Right. The mayor of Cleveland knows that the FBI is going to be in town because of this name. She's setting back Morse code like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is expanding. Also, they're changing the name to the Guardians. The cure is winning. But also, she's a human being. Even though she's working as a spy, maybe she just wanted to fuck the mayor in a car. Human being, she's Asian. Unrelated, you're saying. She was like, hey, I'm trying a bigger thing, but this guy's cool. Yeah, she wants to fuck him. Maybe. Maybe all of her sex can't be for Intel. I don't know. That's hot Intel puss. Another US mayor described as older and from obscure city in Midwest called Fang his girlfriend at a conference in Washington, DC in 2014. Oh. Damn. Fang, Fang. She's sucking the mayor of Sioux City. The but so did mayor insisted the pair's relationship was the real deal despite their age differences. Oh, she's fucking old guys. This doesn't work for guys. A guy can't be a spy that fucks all the female. She allegedly worked working at the direction of Chinese ultra secret ministry of state security spy agency. Oxymoron. Hmm. Interesting. Fang Fang, goddamn it. Who is she now in jail? I don't know. Where is she? She got traded for Brittany Griner. Nah. Bye.