Joey Diaz Tells Crazy Stories About Selling Xanax and Doing Comedy

I get these huge anxiety surges. Yeah, when I work out heavy, like heavy weights, I gotta go to the bathroom before, and before I get in my car, I gotta take a long piss. Does that, does the medication help you? When you're taking a Xanax? Not if you don't take it. Right, but if you do take it. I got shit to do on a daytime, dog. I got no time for a fucking Xanax. I don't know what kind of a... Well, what does it do? That's what I'm asking. Well, I'll tell you what happens with Xanax. I know for a fucking fact that nobody can tell me. When I first got into comedy, how I... Joey D. is the secrets of comedy. You ready? Okay. When I got into comedy, all these jerk-offs, you gotta bring five people to a fucking show. Aah! I'm not asking nobody to come to a show. I just wait for Joe Rogan to call me and ask me, who wants weed? You want weed? Meet me at the comedy club. Well, I gotta meet you at the comedy club. Don't worry about it. Just meet me there. Next thing I got, you payin' 10 at the door. So I got into selling Xanax. There was a crazy guy in Boulder who had just gotten out of prison for murder, and his wife, I don't know, they were getting Xanaxes from a pharmacy. So I was getting Valiums, the Vs. The one with the Vs. You don't know anything about that world. I don't know anything about this. 10 milligrams. You could sell those for two bucks apiece. He was giving them to me for like a quarter. So when I first was an open miker, I was a Xanax salesman. But it always, because I got into a contest. So for me to win the contest, I had to have people there. So they would say, hey, when can we buy some Xanax? You gotta meet me at the broker. So I would make the, all of them would come up to me and go, what the fuck's wrong with you? I just paid $10 to get in here. You gotta take that off the price of the pills. Don't worry about it. I got you covered. I had such a high profit margin. It didn't really matter. So I would sell Xanax to people in the hundreds, 20s, 10s. Cokeheads love those things. So what was that? I was a Cokehead. I could eat 10 of those. What does it do? Knocks you the fuck out. Like how? Like you're gonna pass out. You could die like that. When people OD, that's what they eat, fucking Xanax. And they fucking... I thought it just relaxes you. It relaxes you, but if you eat 50 of them, you're gonna die. And I was eating 50 of them. You were eating 50 in a day? Dog, I ate 30 of them in three days in Beaumont. It took me five days to recover. I told you, I OD'd in Beaumont, Texas in 19 and 2005. Wow. For me, eating 30, 10 milligram valiums. Jesus, that's a lot. The problem with that shit and me as you're ready, this is what I realized 20, 30 years, when I was an open mic, I was selling them. I was dating a chick that didn't get high. So for me to be around her, I would pop those Zanny bars and I would be high. That'd be good enough for me. I was used to popping like six of them. I had my tolerance up there, fucking high. And why did you like it? Because I would drink with them. I would drink like one or two drinks. You feel tremendous. That's it. Just one or two. Like how do you feel? Like fucked up. Fucked up. Two drinks and a couple Zanny bars, you get fucked up. This is before the Zanny bars. You're not supposed to drink on them, right? No. No. But I would get fucked up and then I'd do comedy and eat two Valiums and drink with the waitresses. I was an open mic guy. Right. You know, but the point to my story is that if you eat 10 milligrams of Valium, five of it, your body utilizes five of it. The other five go into your fat and your body holds on to it. It uses it again. Is this science? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about here. You forget who you're dealing with here. So what happens is when you eat that shit, it sticks into your fat. So every time I would get high, I'd fucking not. The Xanax would come out of your fat. It would agitate the fat and fucking, it would agitate the Xanax out of my fat. If you jogged, would you get high? Oh fuck yeah. As your body starts to eat now. I've been off a coke for 12 years. At the seven year mark, I'd be working out from time to time and I'd bump into a coke rock and just went through my system and I'd get all paranoid and creepy for a minute. Like I was still digesting shit throughout the years. But I believe that those bars and all those little zany things stick into your fat and then they get me tired the next day. Yeah. They'll get me tired now. Like if I eat six of them, I'll get tired. I only eat one of them. I eat one of them. Sometimes I get really high anxiety before I'm about to go up and I'll eat another one once I get down there. But then I won't eat them for four days. I don't need them until... and then sometimes I'll remember to take it out and put them back in the thing. Sometimes I just throw them in the hamper and my wife washes them. One of my friends who takes them says that when you get off of them... Very highly addictive. Well he also said that when you get off of them, it heightens your anxiety. It's like a rubber band effect. That's what he was saying for him personally.