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Christina P is a stand-up comic and co-host of the "Your Mom's House" podcast with her husband and fellow comedian Tom Segura. Her new Netflix comedy special, "Mom Genes," is available now. http://www.christinaponline.com/
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Your income shit sure now. I gotta find another job after I talked about blackface. Yeah, yeah, God. Damn it. Oh My god, and she was loving it where she was at Fox. She worked out before where she could say all kinds of crazy Yeah, they don't care about blackface at Fox. Yeah, why can't ya? Yeah, give her a raise for that one Yeah, you should be able to you should be able to have a bone in your nose And then she goes over to was at NBC, why would you go there? You know, that's not for you, dude Apparently they did not like her from the jump the inside word is that she was not a nice person They did not like her to be around they were looking for a reason to get rid of her That's a word that's inside word, but don't you hate that when you hear that someone's not nice and they're making millions of dollars That's true. But who's saying she's not nice. How about someone's annoying to her? Maybe she's not nice cuz you're annoying. She's out there trying to educate people about blackface you motherfuckers Listen it's just color. Yeah, what's the big deal? Now? Didn't she say that Santa Claus isn't black too? Yes That was a part of the extended Megyn Kelly bit that I had to edit down. Oh I had a guy in the office who was working with her I was like if you worked with Megyn Kelly after like about a year You're not doing any work all day long. All you're thinking of is someone gets the fucker Why can't it be me? Like if you're in the cubicle right there and you run into you time You time your trips to the coffee machine when you see her walking not yet. Not yet Megan just want to let you know Santa Claus definitely white Like you'd say things right just to like you more. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah horrible That's a lot of guys a lot of guys working in offices But you're not supposed to hit on your co-workers now Isn't that considered a microaggression or toxic masculinity or some of those things but then what if you love her? What if she loves you? What if her husband is a jerk you'll take care of her kid, oh my god No way, I can't even imagine I mean I've been with Tommy for so long like Biela. Oh my god This is what I think I think when people work together if you work together for eight hours a day You're spending as much if not more time with that person that you work with every day then you do with your spouse Absolutely, and you're only home like look if you're home in the morning How much do you get to see your your wife or your your husband? Fucking an hour two hours in the morning and most you get up you run into the shower Excuse me brush teeth when you breakfast. Let's eat breakfast. We got going on today Then we're playing basketball with Mike And then for eight hours eight hours of the day you're with some other people You don't spend eight hours flat with anybody other than the people that you work with you get home It's what 730 8 o'clock you watch TV you have dinner by the time it's 10 you're asleep That's three hours. You got like three hours with that person. They're eight hours with this guy was trying to fuck him I know and you're right you're right because I worked at a company I Had this guy was he ended up marrying his assistant. Oh shit, but he did that thing We're like this is my work life. That's what they start by doing they break you down slowly And they're like this is my work wife. This is my work husband. Hahaha. It's a joke. It's a joke. It's a joke I know it When does the fart happen after that was come oh, that was oh, sorry Yeah, cuz Tommy always like I held in a fart that whole time. We were doing it. Are you proud of me? That's his latest thing It's real romantic But they're married now actually but that's how he courted her and she was way out of his league. She was a hot 20-something gorgeous girl married now they have you know how many kids I don't remember so what happened how'd he get her he Woke he broke her so she was dating some guy that wouldn't call her it was kind of like dipping out on her and stuff So he'd be like I'm here for you. Let's go out after work. Let's go get some drinks, right? It's that your friend I'm the guy that's gonna show up for you every day dump that guy. I'm Saying even though he's just saying he's a work husband. He's saying I could be a real husband Yeah, yes, yeah and and to her give up yeah, that's what she wanted though. She wanted to be wiped up Yeah, a lot of girls want to be wiped up. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, why would you work? That's it's the best Yeah, I'm an idiot. I'm gonna go on the road Career has why your craft Yeah How many but it's really sad when guys wife up I know a guy that's wiped up You mean oh when the woman takes care of the man got all the money But you don't think that's awesome like to stay home and he looks miserable Cuz he doesn't have any say he doesn't have any income. Ah Got all the money So who has the money has the power in the relationship? Yeah, and she didn't even earn the money Money came from the family Fantastic and they're involved too. They're always around He's a weak weak weak soul That's a dark place for a man to be no sovereignty No control of your existence No, we all financial decision-making ability because you don't bring in any money You're scaring me right now feeling there's guys that they settle for that. Well, you know, let's He galitarians Thanks for me. There's no reason everybody work. Yeah, why should I work? You know Wilma makes all the money her now you think I can't that relationship can't ever work that dynamic Does it make sense to you? Why would it work? It's like yeah, I mean maybe the alligator and the cat can be friends Of course that shit ain't gonna work that's just not gonna work well, it will work if it's not a real man And and you know and the woman likes that scenario And if the guys just like this Spineless little cheese head I think you're and it's totally on PC Yeah, and I think you're right because I think he's got to be kind of a beta male He's the guy who likes his balls busted a little bit. Maybe yeah, maybe he likes his nuts squished He was just scared. He's just scared. Yeah, you know look, it's If you're you're in a relationship with someone and that Someone is a woman and she makes far more money than you and you just decide to let her pay all the bills That is a squirrely proposition. It may work It's entirely possible you might find the perfect woman and the perfect man where their personalities gel together Neither one of them gives a fuck about money And yet the guy's still a man and the woman's still a woman It's just that she makes all the money and you know He kind of like does the dishes and takes it in the ass. She pegs them She puts out a strap on she she pisses in his face That's how he gets money for food piss ons or beats her Try it out. Try it out equality. She does whatever she wants. She smacks him. You can't leave It's like you think that's what's going on. Yeah, I think so. They have no power Well, let's see. What about Oprah and Steadman but Steadman makes a living too like he did what is dead Like one of those pirate beards that you glue on at a party and everybody knows it's not a real beard He's not even good You know, I never really occurred to me I don't well, I don't know I just they've been together forever But could you picture opie pussy? Yes a thousand percent But I think gale gale for her isn't so much a lover as a mom. I don't even know gail is that's her best friend Mother Lou come on now gale's her bff. That's the one they think that she's friends No, I don't know I don't know I mean I don't possible that's not the case Yeah, it's possible. Oh, but they know I don't want to assume. Oh, she looks good. They're Oprah skinny. That was skinny Oprah Mm-hmm for all them snickers. That's one thing Steadman is just steady. He didn't go nowhere Well, does he doesn't even make a good living though. Doesn't he have a job? That's the thing I think Steadman does have stuff going. Yeah, I think he's like oh, I want to say he's a lawyer or something like that Like Google it said American educator. So I don't know. Well, here's the thing teacher Wouldn't you say that when someone regardless of male female has nothing else in life going? You know, I'm saying when they have no drive. Mm-hmm. No focus no No goal. Yeah that in and of itself is a bad thing. It's a bad thing regardless of being the man of gender. Yeah Yeah, yeah people with no hobbies like you don't you don't enjoy doing anything Even if it's just like reading you don't you don't like doing I do too But you don't like to do anything you want to do anything. Yeah, but you don't do anything. What do you do? You watch TV and eat? Convenience though. Oh, yeah, but at least they tell jokes. That's true when they're not telling jokes. They watch TV and eat Yeah, yeah We're a fucking weird group of people, you know, I mean if you really stop and think about how odd our group is I'll have a little of that. Okay, I don't want you to drink alone. There you go Plus I probably should have a little alcohol after all the alcohol ideas written 11 Self-help books who? how to marry rich hoes Cup when your wife is way more successful how to get get some rich pussy. I know you know As feminist as I am because I obviously I'm down for the cause what is the cause well equality, right? Took the choice to have choice to do what the fuck you want Do you want to stay home raise your kids to home raise your kids? You want to go have a job? Well a fucking job. I agree with that as well. Yeah, maybe I'm a feminist I don't know it. Yeah, I think you are actually Weird, I think you are where'd you get the ice this whole fucking time? It's been right here. God damn it It's a high-class operation stuff. I put my fingers in there get in there. Okay, I trust you But here's the deal, you know my mother was a European lady and As a female comic I'm an alpha in the streets, but I'm kind of a beta in the sheets You know I'm saying I like to take care of my husband I think that's why Tommy and I work out because I like to you know, I bake fucking rice crispy treats. I Have shit I food in the house. I'm kind of a tradition wife well you're powerful but you're also still a woman and there's nothing wrong with like that if that's how you like to be the Idea that there's something wrong with that because you're supposed to be even with him So you're supposed to be treating each other not like your traditional male versus female role Even if that's what you like that becomes a problem because it's like a pressure problem that women will put on Other women to behave in a different way because they don't want to reinforce traditional gender roles. Oh, right Yeah, sure sure if that what role feels right to you. You do like it. I like I like taking care of my kids Yeah, but there's some dirty cunts out there. They'll tell you that's bad I Was angry bitches, yes, that's true. No, you're right I've had some people say stuff to me about it and I'm like well It makes me happy and if that's all that matters and that's my choice to do that stuff I'm not saying I do it every night a hundred percent. Yeah, whatever makes you happy as long as you're not hurting anybody That's all that matters the idea that there's something wrong with you doing that like this is fucking stupid Yeah, it really is it's just stupid This silly What are you talking about? You had that there's a lot of that though of what what a lot of that? Stupidness out there people telling people the way they should and shouldn't live You know, like you don't have much time. I mean, yeah, you and I are halfway done Hey, I'm almost dead when you think about it when you turn 40, you're like, oh, this is it dude Like yeah, how much time you got left? Hopefully another 30 years of good living. I'm yeah before you really start to break down shit starts falling apart Wheels start coming off. Yes, people are worried about dumb shit Like whether or not this woman works or she should have a career. She should do this. She's happy She likes eating cheese and getting her toes done Leave her alone. Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. I think that is a middle-aged revelation though You go like oh, there's only so much time left Fuck about all this like I'm gonna do me bro the guy that I know that stuck That's the wife makes all the money. You could see it in his face though It's like a lion at the zoo where they're kind of broken Yeah And they're like, you know that they're a hunter inside and but you take that instinct away and they get the meat thrown at them And they're just like sadly kind of eat that meat off the tray. It's like a vegan cat, right? Yeah