Joe List Got Blackout Drunk and Shit in a Shoe | Joe Rogan

But that's like I said, people can look at my act and be like, he's talking about dicks and shit. I talk about all kinds of things. Sometimes dicks and shit too though. Yeah, well those are funny things. Sometimes they need to be discussed. Well dicks and shits are funny. Often. Yeah, I have to like curb myself from having, I'm like I got too many shit jokes now. This is like 12 minutes. How many you got? I got a few, I got a chunk, but it's funny. Shit is funny, you know? Sometimes you just get on a run where that's what you're interested in. Yeah, well also once you have a bit that's working, you want to extend it and write other things about it. So then that's the way it goes. I had a time period where I had like four bits about aliens. Yeah. And I was like, god damn, this is too much. You almost, once you get to a certain point, you start going, well can I just go all the way and just do a one man show about aliens? Right, go to Edinburgh. Yeah. Do the cringe festival. I'll just be the alien guy. Yeah, I bet you could. You could be like, have a slideshow behind you. Yeah. SETI research, the fucking big dish that you see in that movie Contact, Jodie Foster. Yeah, I'm not familiar with that movie. No? I mean I'm familiar with it, I never, I wasn't into it. You didn't see that movie? I've never been a big alien guy. Really? No. You're not a believer. I feel like this is the kind of place where you could produce an alien. I'm like, no, not really. That fucking thing comes and rapes me. Well I could show you the aliens, but you're gonna have to not be sober. Oh, you're a fully sober guy, right? Yeah. Did you use to be a not sober guy? Yeah, I was a, yeah. Were you a mess? Mentally, I felt like a mess. I mean, I never killed anybody or anything, but I was, I mean I'm an alcoholic, yeah. I shit in a girl's shoe and got herpes. Yeah, yeah, I had some fun. Whoa, in a girl's shoe. What'd she do to you? Nothing, just invited me to stay at her house. I don't remember doing it, I was in a blackout or whatever, but yeah, I was all fucked up. And then I woke up and I had to piss so bad, like I just woke up in the bed and I was like, I got a pen. I was like, I don't know where I am. I actually had a flight. I had a cross, I was going to the Seattle comedy competition. Did you ever do that? No. It was like, it's like a month long competition. What? And yeah, they call it Seattle, but it's like actually all over Washington state. It's like you drive like three hours a night. It's pretty crazy. Really? Yeah. I had to like be there the next day for a month. I had like a 10 a.m. flight and I woke up at like 9.20 in the morning in this girl's bed and I was like, I got to get the hell out of here. But first I got to piss, because if I piss in this woman's bed, it's going to be horrible. So I ran to the bathroom, found the bathroom, pissed for like a half hour. You know those, and I'm trying to like put my shit to get my, I'm all fucked up. And then I came out into like her living room and her table had been like smashed like a Chris Farley fucking table. And you know that feeling when you're fucked up, where you look at something and you're like, that was definitely me. I can just feel like, I'm pretty sure I'm responsible for that. And then I was like, I got to go find my clothes. So I went back into her room and on the way there I saw like kind of like footprints of poo. And then I came in and she had a high top Nike sneaker that just had like a big. Yeah. Yeah. And there was some little pieces around and then there was like a big puddle of urine too. Like I didn't just, because you never just shit. So I like pissed and shit, but I got it in her sneaker. Like I fucking nailed it. So you did all purpose. Well, I think, I mean I was in a blackout, so but I think what happened was I thought it was a toilet because that's not like my sense of humor. I'm not like a, I've never been like a take a shit places. So I think I just saw a cylinder. Well if it's dark, it looks, it's black and it's a hole. How big is her fucking shoes? She had real big feet. It was, it was a big woman. No. So I shit in there and then. What did, what did you lose contact with her after this? No. So I was like, I gotta get out of here because I gotta go catch this flight. So I took my sock and put it on like a, like a puppet, like a hand puppet, a sock puppet and just kind of picked it up that way and then turned the sock inside out. Right. Which like, like almost like a shit in the sock and threw that away. And I tried to wipe up as much of the. No, no, they're gone. Oh my God. So I thought it's like nine 30 in the morning. I thought I just went so crazy that they all fled their own home. So then I get in the cab to go to the airport. I'm missing my flight and I text the girl and I was like, I'm so, I want to kill myself. Like I can never, I'm so sorry. Did you tell her that? No, well I figured she knew. So she wrote back it's okay. It was, it was crazy, crazy night. It was fun or whatever. And I was like, man, this girl must fucking party. She's just like, okay with me. I was like, this woman's wild. So then I got to the airport, flew across the country, missed my flight. I got the next flight out on the plane. I like crossed my leg at one point and realized I had shit like up my pant leg. So I had to like subtly put it down. I always had a middle seat for a full cause I miss my outside of your on the outside of my family. How much shit? Just like a good streak. Like I would say ankle to knee. You didn't go to the bathroom and try to clean it up. No, because I was already on the plane. I was in a middle seat and I, it was like caked on there. Oh my. This is like hours later. Oh my God. So then I landed, took the plane, the phone off of airplane mode and had a text that was like, holy shit. We had no idea how bad it was. And I was like, that makes more sense. That is a better reaction. Yeah. Because I thought they must. So the crazy part is I shit. It was like nine in the morning. They had left for work. You sure that it was your shit? Yeah. They didn't have a dog and I assume they don't just shit in their own shoes. So I wanted to come up with it. But then I was late, so I had to go straight to the show and I ended up. With shit on your pants? Yeah. With shit on my pants and my leg. It was like caked in my leg hair. And it was the first time in the competition. The people in the front row going. No, I don't think. Anybody smelled it? I don't think they noticed because I think it would been, I don't know. No one said anything. Joe, this is funny because I smell shit. So then I finished and I took a shower finally. Like 12 hours later I was actually, I remember pulling little pieces of shit out of my leg hair. It was the best shower of my life. It felt like. How was your set? Good. I killed it. And I ended up winning that night because each night you judge and I came in like first place. It was like one of the best sets I've ever had. That sounds like a real comedian. Yeah. You show up with shit on your legs and you win a competition. You fucking kill. I love it. That's a good story. It was pretty fun. And then I ended up sending this message to these women. I have the message. Facebook. So it lives forever. But it's about like this long. It's like a 12 inch. It just keeps going. I'm like, I want to kill myself. I don't know how this happened. I really wanted to die. And they were, luckily they were like 22. They were like fresh out of college. So they were like pretty. LOL. Forgiving. Yeah. But they were in their 30s. I would have seen you a bunch of crying emojis. No, they were just like. The laughing crying one with the tears. Yeah. That's my favorite one. So I sent 300 bucks in a car. I called my friend Nate Bargetsi and I was like, how much? Is 300 bucks like a good amount? And he's like, he's from Tennessee. He's like, I don't think there's an amount you can send us too much. So I sent him a card with 300 bucks and I didn't really keep in touch with them. But they were they were nice. And they were like, hopefully you don't get that fucked up again. And then by the way, I drank that and I kept drinking for two more. You think that would be like a bottom. And then I remember that night being like, well, I'm going to drink again at some point. I might as well. So I drank for like two more years. Then I got herpes. I tried to stop then too. And then I just kept going. Fuck it.