Ari & Bert Put "Dosing" Incident Behind Them

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Ari Shaffir

69 appearances

Ari Shaffir is the host of "The Skeptic Tank" and "You Be Trippin'" podcasts. His latest comedy special, "Ari Shaffir: Jew," is available now via YouTube. www.arishaffir.com

Bert Kreischer

36 appearances

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comic, podcaster, and actor. He's the host of "The Bertcast" podcast and YouTube cooking program "Something's Burning." He's also the co-host of the "2 Bears, 1 Cave" podcast with fellow comedian Tom Segura. Watch his latest special, "Bert Kreischer: Razzle Dazzle," on Netflix. www.bertbertbert.com

Tom Segura

43 appearances

Recorded on: September 11, 2024Tom Segura is a stand-up comic, actor, podcaster, and author. He co-hosts two podcasts, "Your Mom's House," with his wife, comic Christina Pazsitsky, and "Two Bears, One Cave," and is the author of "I'd Like to Play Alone, Please: Essays." www.ymhstudios.com

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Transcript

Are we friends again? Yeah. Okay, good. Yeah, good. Oh, yeah. I forgot you drugged him. I forgot that. It's, dude, I'll tell you right now. Is your wife over it? No. No. My kids aren't over it either. That really breaks my heart. Your kids aren't? That's what really breaks my heart. Buy him stuff. You should buy him stuff. No, no, no. You should buy him stuff. No, no, no. Let it breathe until one day they find you funny and they're like... That might not happen. You might not happen. You should buy him stuff. Buy him something cool. I told Joe in the green room, I decided to forgive Ari so that the people I hate know how much I really hate them. Ooh, I like that. That was a good one. I like what you said. Do stuff out of spite. No, yeah, but it's like to let people know. Like, this guy drugged me in front of my kids and I still forgive him. Why don't you bring your kids? Why don't you bring your kids? We need to bring your kids. That's not a part that mattered. Don't listen to this part. Let's not talk about it. All right, all right. Yeah, we're good. Me and you are good. I had to come to a moment. I had to come to my house to clear my energy. I talked to Tom about it. That's right. And she cleared our new house for all its bad energy and then she said, I see some darkness in you. Oh, boy. I told Joe about it. I was dealing with darkness in my head about just OCD shit and I went, all right, fuck, what is it? And she picked you out in a heartbeat and I went, I am not, I haven't forgiven him yet. She probably listens to the podcast. No, I know. I called you and you're like, I'm over it and then I'm like, you're still not over it. I wasn't over it. She already spiritual healers listen to this podcast a lot. So what? So what? She said, Aries Shafer and he was like, yeah, I think I said, it's Aries Shafer here. She said, uh, do something to Burt Chrysler. She said it's, it's if you, I'm forgetting the exact words. I know because I'm a little stroky, but, uh, but, um, something about bringing J more up. It was about, yeah. I'm going to fuck up and deal with that tomorrow. It was, uh, it was what? It was, uh, if you love him, you got to fix, help fix his karma. This bad karma for him. And I thought I do. I can't, I can't write you off. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't think straight. Every time I was on a hike, I was like, my girlfriend was like, what? I'm like, I fucking, I don't know. My friend, I'm still not friends with him. I don't know. It's fucking hard. It was, she said, if you, if you, you got to fix his karma, if you care about him. And I was like, I do. I can't not have conversations with him. Your conversations are too important to me. Seeing you in, in New York, when I go to New York and spending time with you, it's too important to me. And I know you, I know you so well. And I know that you're, you're, I said to someone, I think I may have said some, I say he, he's a great guy. He's just a bad person. And it's like, it's like, he's not, he didn't, he didn't. He didn't. And it was like, you didn't mean to, you never meant to hurt me at all. And I was like, and I talked to Joe Entom about this at nauseam, but I was like, I, I can't, I can't, man, I'm not in a place to look for new fucking friends. I got him. He's one of my friends. You don't want anything that's beautiful about this. We're here in 2019 in any other business. If you drugged a peer and you did so publicly and that it was discussed publicly and yet you were on my podcast. Two weeks later, we were howling about it. We got high. We were smoking weed and just laughing about the fact that you drugged him. It was hard because it was serious, but it was also super not serious at the same time. We were having a good time talking about it. And then we were also talking about how no one's kicked you out of the comedy community. It was never even a thought. There's no, not a second, like where you're not getting booked anywhere, not a second where you're, you're ostracized. It's like, this is the last frontier for savages. This is the last frontier for people that are doing wild, crazy, stupid shit. And that is one of the wildest, craziest, stupidest fucking thing you can do is drug someone when they don't know you're drugging them. It's like a fucking, it is the line stepping of all line stepping. And we're like, ah, I thought I had the lines worked out. Joey Diaz had the funniest fucking take on it. Joey Diaz called me up. He goes, listen to me. This fucking Bert Nari thing. He goes, all his family. He goes, he's here. He's here. He's not going anywhere. We're not getting rid of him. I go, we're not getting rid of him. He goes, exactly. I go, I'm not saying we are. He goes, I know you're not. I go, okay. And he goes, look, he fucked up. I go, okay, he fucked up. I'm not saying anything like Joe. Joey's like arguing. Joey was you up. He'll call you up arguing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, like he's arguing somebody right away. You go to take what fucking he's family out of the gate. I definitely agree with you. I'm like, I'm not arguing here. He called me like two days after. He was like, I just answered the phone. He goes, you got to forgive him. And I didn't say it worked. And I was like, I go, I'm going through some shit right now. I go, okay, go through your shit, Cocksucker. Do what you got to do. You got to forgive him. He's a good guy. You know that. You know that. Now he's got a move. Yeah, now he's just got to say it in New York. It was killer. It's killer. It's killer. I thought we might, I thought, I was like, oh, we're going to do this podcast. I was like, I thought we might talk about this. I kind of wrote down some feelings. Oh, boy. You're lying right now. I'm not. I'm not. You're so lying. I'm not. No, he's not. Also, I smuggled some fruit in a felony. If you guys want some Grenadine. Don't say that. Grenadine, yes. Don't tell anybody. Don't show the fruit. Okay. That's a lie. We're just joking, folks. Any DEA agents or who would it be? Mm. Oh, shit. Agriculture. Yeah. Agriculture people. If you tell me they're all in Spanish, I'm going to fucking jump over this table. Can you play the Hulk music? It's all in Spanish. Can you play this theme of the Hulk? How are you a Spanish? All right. Can you translate? I got a P, man. What? I got a P. Go ahead. Okay. Que rido, Brent. My dearest Brent. Fucking cunt. Me importa la amistad. Me importa mas amistad ajot que. Can you just let him read what you wrote and translate it? Yeah, yeah, better move. Better move. We can do that. I double spaced it. Good call. I'm going to have to misspell it in a two-seat manner. Oh, fuck me. What is it? Before this goes final, can I just mention the birdie boy world tour? It says, all right, dear Brent, our friendship is important. Friendship is more important now that Tom is occupied with the fried pizza. This is important to me as Tom is with deep fried pizza. With deep fried pizza. Great. It's more important to me than- Don't eat that fruit. Don't chill on camera. That's a felony. More important to me than Joe's obsession with killing animals. Killing defenseless animals. Defenseless animals. They have horns. Beautiful animals in the woods. Or to fuck you up with those horns. All right, there you go. There you go. Let's see if I can remember this. Just speak from the heart. Okay. Just say it. You don't have to read it. Just tell him how you feel. Friendship is more important to me than anything. Even more important than- It's important. Tom is deep fried pizza. More important than Tom than Joe is killing animals. More important than- Oh, this is some of this is really mean. Don't do that. Just put that down and just tell him you're sorry. But I wrote some funny stuff. Oh, okay. Okay. Friendship is more important to me than like- than Eliza's- Oh, wow. Don't do this. Don't do this. I would not read that. Sorry. Let your friends tell you. Don't do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're your friends. We love you. We love you. Listen, look at the face of Brody. I wrote one funny- Okay, here's the- Okay, your happiness. Living without you would be worse than Tony Hinchcliffe. Living without the mural above his bed of him blowing. Joe Rogan as Jeff Ross fucks him in the ass. I don't think he has that. He does have that. I've seen this apartment. Who painted it? So you read this in Spanish and you pulled the plug. You're like- That song was coming up. Okay, let me tell you something. The point is- I'll tell you this right now. I didn't know all the thought back was gonna happen. The point is, all I wanted to do was- I like playing pranks. I will do what you said, Joe. It's just speaking of the heart. I like playing pranks. I like doing fun stuff. And I thought, the same thing I do with Louis Gomez, where I'm like, he had this great announcement for Skankfest and was like, I'm gonna ruin that. And I'm gonna do it by like, promoting it. And I thought, I'll give you what you love doing, which is great content for your fans. I know you're never gonna release that podcast, but like- Never. It was the best podcast, top 20 podcasts of all time of any podcast. Yeah. And I thought, I'll give that to you. I'll have a fun time with my friend. I didn't know all the thought back was gonna happen. I didn't know your friends, your kids were gonna come home and say, you know- That I got raped. That you got raped by Ari. Which I don't know why they- Here's what I don't know. Why they wouldn't think you have better stamina and strength than me. Why they wouldn't think that you would rape me. That's a good point. Yeah. Kids are intuitive. Maybe they saw something in you that I don't see. A fanciness or something. But I don't know. This is good. Read it. Go back to reading it. The point is this. Go back to reading it. I wanted to have fun. I thought I have a prank. Then I'm like, I thought the prank first. I'm gonna dose somebody in a podcast. I'm gonna give them acid or molly. And I was like, who can I do it to? You know? I thought of Lewis Gomez first, but I was like, he's an unknown. He's worthless and I actually don't like him that much. And then I- He's a good guy. Eh. And then I thought it has to be a good friend. You can't do it to like a semi friend. It has to be someone who parties. So it can't be these two faggots. You know? And then it hit me, the fucking, the machine. I know the machine. So I was like, I will do that with Bert. That was my thought. And I know people are telling you that I thought you were weak. That's the furthest thing from the truth. I thought you were fun. But if you've forgiven me, but I won't do this. Sometimes people do something and they just, they have it in their head that it's going to be okay. And they don't understand how other people are going to perceive it. And it's not that they did it with bad intentions, it's just that they fucked up. And I didn't want, I didn't think about like you having to fucking run interference with me against your wife. It's like- I'll tell you right now. You had a hard enough time fucking- The biggest thing that fucked me up about it. Yeah. The biggest thing was that- What did it mean? Amazing fruit. It's illegal. Was that when it happened, I knew I was going to have to take care of you. Like I knew- You were going to have to block. I knew all the implications of what was about to trickle down. And that was the one thing where I was like, why would you make my life more complicated? And I told you on the phone, and by the way, no one said this other than me. I said this to myself, and I've said this to Joe a million times, is that moniker of like, you think I'm weak. It's my biggest fucking thing of like people to go in my head. And I would go, I know Joe doesn't say that, I know Tom doesn't say that, and I know you don't say that. But in that moment I was like, is he doing what these enemies do to me? Where he just thinks, oh he's some fucking weak comic, he just rips his shirt off. Taking advantage of your good nature. Right. And that was the thing. And when I was on the phone with you, I was in Connecticut, I was with Shane in the car, and I told you that and you said, oh my God, I would never- I would never think- because I share that with you privately, I share it publicly now, but I share it both with you privately. Your response, I knew you didn't- I knew that's why you didn't do that. And I was like, alright, I can get past this. Which was a big thing for me to go, I can get past this. And then it took a little bit to just go- Still mad though. No, at a certain point I thought it's just a reward. Like does Ari bring more to my life than that one stupid fucking moment? Right? And I said, yeah he does, you bring a lot to my life Ari. You don't know that. I don't share that maybe enough with you, but you bring out a lot to my life. And all you guys do. I mean, you guys- our friendship means a lot more to me, maybe that means to you guys sometimes- No, it means a lot to me too, man. It does. This podcast that we do, this regular podcast we do, some of my favorite. Text thread. Text thread. Yeah, the chat thread. Dude, I'll tell you- Text thread's fun. Text thread's fucking awesome. It's great. Oh my god. Don't eat that, it's illegal, the agriculture's gonna come here, they have a helicopter. But yeah, and if we're being 100% honest- You skipped every other word. Both of you are like, don't eat helicopter here, agriculture. Do you have a stroke too? It's contagious. Both of these guys were, I don't know, I have to share this, both of these guys were very very valuable to me. In that moment where I was super vulnerable, both of them had a moment where it was fun, and then a moment where they called me and they were concerned. Yeah, when you told me during the podcast- When we first did the podcast, I'm like, what happened? You're like, oh, just wait. Like, you didn't even want to talk about it until- that's when I knew it was serious. I still thought it was fun until it was like- and then Tom's like, what the fuck's wrong with you? I was like, and I was like, wait, is this serious? No other business! If you were working in HR at a fucking network and you guys went on the Christmas party and you drugged somebody, that's the end of your fucking career, man. Free drugs. Free drugs. Free drugs to someone. Yeah, but they didn't want it. But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew he was really upset about it too, you know? Yeah, when you told me afterwards, you're like, oh, he's really fucked up over it. But I also wanted really badly for you guys to make up. I spoke to both. Everyone, both of you. Of course. Tom called me and was like, hey, I saw you call- I called you every day trying to like- You called me every day. Yeah, you wouldn't take my call. And Tom was like, hey, I saw you call him. Don't- I just knew that it was wrong for me to answer because I didn't know what to say to you and I wasn't right in the head yet. And I was like, I'm really angry, but I'm not mad at him. Does that make sense? Yes. And I was like, I feel victimized, but I know I'm not a victim. I know that this is going to be fine. I call Whitney. I talk to Whitney about it. What did she say? You know, come on, please. No, no, no. We were in the green- in the backstage of the comedy store. It's a felony. I'm like, you think that's the only felony we ever committed? Hello? Hey, put that down. Don't film it. We were in the backstage of the comedy store or in the back bar and we saw David Spade and Whitney and I told- when I was on High O'Molly and I was- You were having a great time. It was probably- I was having a blast. And you saw David Spade there and you're like, oh, I've got a great story for David Spade. I've always been sexually attracted to him. And this is my moment. I'm like, I'm fucking. I went over David Spade. I can hear you say that now. When I heard you say that on the podcast, I got mad at you. I was like, I was like, it's so fucked up, man. It's so fucked up. There's so many complex moments in this where you're right. You're totally right. David Spade was back there and me and you were back there and I was like, I got drunk by Molly and then he brought it up on his show and it's like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And even the podcast, I was like, I was conflicting. So I go, this is super compelling content. But at the same time- You saw it during the podcast. You were like, fuck. I'm not even doing this, but I see it now. This is the best podcast. But I was like, and in retrospect, I was like, I can't release it. I don't want to be the guy that people come on my show and they go, I'm going to fucking drug him in that time. No, it's a one time only thing. But I talked to Whitney and Whitney was like, Whitney, oddly enough said exactly what Joe said and said, this is really, it's not right, man. It's not right. You shouldn't be drugging people in front of their kids. She was like, I'm sorry, I didn't say that to you in the thing. I didn't know how you felt. And that's how Joe felt. That's also how Tom felt, is that I didn't know how I felt. So I brought all these energies of like, I got drugged and then everything's on the table and everyone's like, oh, I got to figure out your fucking emotions. And I hadn't figured them out yet. I got to be honest with you, man. When you lean on friends and you come out of a place like that and you go in a weird way, I was like, I feel a lot closer to the four of us after that. And I'm like, I'm definitely not going to have been. You drugged us together. You drugged us all together. You brought us closer. In a metaphorical way. And the funny part is I was like, I was like, he wanted to kill Sobrak Tovar, but now he's got to do it for the rest of his fucking life because he didn't win. We're always going to do Sobrak Tovar. No, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every year, Ari. You kind of have to. Now you drugged him in front of his kids. You drugged me in front of my children. First of all, what drug? It's MDMA. It's asking me like, so Rufy. Fucked up his brain for like weeks. Yeah. I'm still doing the deal with OCD shit. I will say. You literally spiraled him. And I think you could do this. You could chloroform him. That would be a fucking... You can get that online. That's a drugging. That would be a good thing. That would be a good thing. No, no, don't do that. Going home doing MDMA is... Your friend is 5HDP. I told Burt, but he was not in a place where he was going to trust him. Just get a new move from onit.com. That has 5HDP in it. 5HDP will equalize your mood. And I meant to bring it with me. And I didn't. And I fucked up hard. I pride myself on dosing people the right way. And... It's like he learned nothing. He's like... During that podcast I remember this deal, I was like... We were feeling like really good. We were feeling really good. I did feel really good during that podcast. It was a fun time. You were on ecstasy. We were watching the sunset over Joey Diaz's head. Joey Diaz's head. Bro, there's nothing more beautiful on my deathbed. When you get that 6 seconds of memories to your life, I hope I see Joey Diaz like Jesus Christ, like Buddha, just going, listen, cocksucker. If you would have had a stroke, it would have already happened. You're going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine.