Chris D'Elia and Bryan Callen Rip on Each Other for Almost 5 Minutes Straight

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Chris D'Elia

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Chris D'Elia is an actor, writer, and comedian. His new special "Man On Fire" is available now on Netflix, and he also has a podcast called Congratulations available to download via iTunes.

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Transcript

You do look, you have a very hard look. She said you look like a meathead. She goes, you don't want to give people that. Your face, I knew you had a, you looked, your face one time you were interviewing Randy Couture and you had a wider head than Randy. So that's not true. That shows you he's got a job. What's weird is that you can always bring a conversation around to a man's anatomy. That's what's weird. That's true. That is what's weird. And now, just to begin with anatomy, you're getting older. Hey. But why are you, but why? But no, it's cool. When I saw you, when I see old videos of you, you look healthy. And now you don't not look healthy, but you look less. No. Right? You look less. Listen to me. You look like you're wearing a Brian Callum mask. Shh, shh, shh. So don't ever fucking, shh. No, no, no, no. Now hold on. Okay, what? Now this is my house. Number one, you're welcome. You're welcome for Joe Rogan, right? No, I know. And now we're closer than you. No, no, no, no. Yes, yes we are. We're closer than you. That's impossible. So Joe said to me a long time ago, he probably doesn't remember us. He said, he goes, hey, I go what? He goes, this is Chris Delia, kid. You know. That sounds like. And I said, I said, what? He goes, is he a man? And I go, he's all right. And then Joe goes, okay. Oh, so you gave him your blessing. Yeah, you got the door open. Now if I want to shut the door, I want to shut the door, I make a call. I glance at him wrong. I glance at him and you're banned. Okay. Do the rest of the show with the wife, Peter, on. Just a wife, Peter, please. Look, dude, I'm not going to sit here. What's up, dude? I just don't understand how many layers you have when it's 80 degrees outside. Unbelievable, you look like a fucking. Tell me right now, you're watching a play about the 40s. And then halfway through he comes in, you're like, that's the trouble. That's a guy who works for you. That instruction. Where's my bear? There you go. He's one of those guys that. I'm like Marlon Brando. You know those girders? You're not like Marlon, yeah, because you're going to die soon. No. You know those girders where the guys are eating lunch and they're like 80 fucking stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%. You're on that picture. Of all the guys sitting on the beam. Paper boy, you're on that. There's no wasted space on my body. You body. You know what I mean? I'm not. So if you were a building, you'd be condemned, right? No. Is that fair? If I was a building, I'd tell you what, I'd be more floors than you. That's what I would be. I would be more floors than you. Look at the picture. That's you. That's you. You're that guy right there. The guy right there. That's him, the guy with the box. Give me more muscles than that. No, that's you, bro. But what's the deal with savages just sitting there eating lunch. What if they drop their hands? Look at that. Lunchbox. You don't even know anybody wants their hands to eat. And kill a baby. You're wasting away. Hey. You know what I got from Chris the other day? I sent a video and he goes, I just got this. I got a text. You look gaunt, huh? I was like, you piece of shit. Gaunt, huh? Yeah. My neck looks thicker with this hair. You think so? Nah, yeah. Who the fuck says that? You're in your 50s. I know, but my face is more symmetrical too. But why does it make your neck look thicker? Just from training years. Training what, dolphins? I got you. That's a fucking burn, dude. That's the hardest burn you have ever heard. It's a stupid burn. I fucking burn you, dude. You didn't burn me. Yeah. You don't fucking laugh for yourself. I do. I clap for myself, dude. Fuck it. You're wearing Gucci loafers, huh? Nope. I'm not gonna shake you. Oh yeah, you know why? Because I just got tested. I'm negative and you probably bought COVID in here. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm nervous about? My heart's beating. I'm very squeamish about that. No, listen. Your heart's beating. Can you do my forearm? You can just do your nose. Is your heart- Ow! I'm trying to make that thing smaller anyway. Hey, bro. Is your heart beating? It's getting bigger. It's weird. Ears and noses get bigger. It's so strange. I wonder if there's something we can take to keep our nose. I forgot it's COVID and you probably just gave it to me. Don't be a bitch. Dude, let me ask you a question, man. You, your heart's beating extra fast because you gotta get your finger pricked or because you're in a room with us. Be honest. You're in a room with us. No, no, no. I'm very comfortable in this room. We're to young guns. No, young guns. Don't say names, Brian.