Ari Shaffir Strips Down for Sober October Weigh In

Artie's gonna take his clothes off. Oh, I will get totally fucking nude and pissed. Hey, don't say that Tim. You're gonna see his cop now. Obviously in Spanish, obvi, obvi. Obviously in Spanish. Obio. Obio. I knew it was something close. What are you doing? Don't take your pants off bro. Don't take a piss. Don't put your pants off. Don't piss on the ground. You can put your pants off cause I'm definitely not getting on a scale. Underwear only. Why are you scared of scales, Bert? Because, Joe, it's not like this hasn't defined the last four years of my life online. But you're doing well right now. You look great. Yeah, thanks guys. I'd rather people think I look great than know what I'm wearing. My target weight is 175 to 180. Hmm. Okay. Target weight. That's like loose skin. Yeah, that's weird. Well, remember when Ari had a six pack? Ari had a full six pack. Look at that. He's got a little bit of a six pack there. Are you skinny? No, he's got abs. It's not just that he's skinny. What do you got? Zero. It's on carpet, Ari. Big money, big money. 180. It's the carpet. 180. It's the carpet. 180.6. 180.6. And that is with socks on. Yeah, it's the carpet. I don't trust carpet on these scales. Okay, man. You don't have to get on it. That's after two weeks in Colombia with nothing but fried food. I'm okay with that. You look good, dude. Late in the day, Chicharron today for lunch, Bandita Paisa. One thing that I did realize when you did Sober October, when we did the fitness challenge, is that if you just went whole hog and went crazy, you'd be a beast. I ate nearly whole hog today. No, but I mean, if you worked out really hard, you'd have a good body. Here's the thing that I learned in Sober October, and Tom kept having to say this to me over and over again, is that what makes Ari Ari is not going full hog. Like, if you go full hog, it's not Ari. He turns in. And the same with me. I get obsessed with weight, and it starts to be every one of my faults. The thing that defines you is the thing that defines you is... Take this slow. No, it's not even that crazy. It's true. And you'll know it's true. I'm going to wait until the fourth quarter to really turn. That's what we're fighting for. And then in the fourth quarter, you'll do it insane. But there's no way you're going to be like, I'm going to study for this shit. You're never going to prepare. But when you say things, when you say things like... When you say things... When you say things, one of the times you said, I could do a split. What were you thinking? When you got down and you knew you were going to... But did you think magically, all of a sudden you would get really flexible? But your confidence, he goes in with it. We're thinking like, I've never done a split in my life. I know they're hard to do, and I can do it. Dude, I tell you, even though I know he's a bullshit, part of me was like, wow, Burke can do a split. Because he did a marathon! He did do a marathon. He did a marathon with nothing! He ran four miles in his life, and then he fucking did a marathon the next day. He's 25 or 6 on a treadmill, which is like one in real life. That is true. He did run a marathon. You will say I can do that to anything. Jamie, get on the scale. I'll say I can do that to anything. You're definitely right about that. Which way, Jamie? Oh, you don't have to get on the scale. Because it'll help everyone else get on it. But don't you feel that way? I can do anything. No. Yeah, but you can do anything. No. You think... Great discourse. This is actually what defines the two of you. Keep going. No. No, but I think the same fire burns for both of us, right? What? You think... Yeah, but your fire's making a car day. No, based on the thing of like, you can do anything, right? You go, no, I can't. I need to work harder. You have another stroke? No, no, no. You go, no, I can't. I need to work harder. Yeah. You go, I'm going to... I can't shoot a bow and arrow a perfect shot. I want to learn that. I want to bust my ass. I want to do that. I'm the opposite way where I go, just give me a shot. Let me try this right now. That's unrealistic. You can surf. That is your guy's personality difference. Our personality's difference is very different. I'm very objective about what I can and can't do. That's how you get good at things. You have to really look at what you're good and not good at, and then work really hard at getting good at things. Otherwise, you're just bullshitting yourself. Or... That gets you hurt if you're a fighter. That gets you really hurt. Yeah, but I'm not a fighter. I think it's... It actually is really interesting to think about. Your background is what informs that opinion you just expressed, and his experience is that saying that sometimes works out. That's why he keeps saying it. Like, I didn't study in college. Well, he's done... Discovered me. All of a sudden, I got a career. He's the guy who will say... It's bizarre, right? But it worked. You will be some of his... Go to New York, Will Smith discovers me. Thank you, Madelgia. What the fuck? Say I want to run a marathon, I do it, and then I go... And then I... I mean, you should have heard me the day I ran the marathon. I was like, I think I can actually do anything. Wait, didn't you say something... Did you say something about kicking field goals? I think I could kick a field goal. How long did you kick a field goal? I feel like I could kick a 35-yarder easily with no word. 35... Thank you, Ari! Absolutely. Remember when Scott Norwood missed a 35-yarder? And they lined up, and they said everybody at Washington Stadium was gonna, like, try a 35-yarder. And people did it, people didn't do it. I could easily kick a 35-yarder. Thank you, Ari! Never kick a 35-yarder! Thank you, Ari!