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Whitney Cummings is a stand-up comic, actor, author, and host of the podcast "Good for You." Her new comedy special "Mouthy," will have its exclusive premiere via OFTV on Nov. 15, 2023.https://whitneycummings.com
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Gary Shteyngart, Little Failure: A Memoir
Gary Shteyngart, The Russian Debutante’s Handbook: A Novel
Gary Shteyngart, Super Sad True Love Story: A Novel
Jon Krakauer, Under the Banner of Heaven: A Story of Violent Faith
Lawrence Wright, Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief
L. Ron Hubbard, Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000
Michelle McNamara, I’ll Be Gone in the Dark: One Woman’s Obsessive Search for the Golden State Killer
Walter Tevis, The Queen’s Gambit
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Joe Rogan podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.
What do you love?
Oh, yeah, what is that?
It's an NFT, sort of.
It's like digital art.
It's Beeple, do you know who Beeple is?
He's the best.
Brilliant.
Every day that guy puts out a new piece.
Insane.
And it's computer generated, but does he go in and like paint?
I don't understand how it works.
But there's something involving computers.
They should.
I think there's a Palm Pilot.
I think every time I see one of his pieces on Instagram, like, you know, they'll
be like a sweeping sort of dystopian city.
Look at the new one.
What the fuck is that?
This is going to give me nightmares for a while.
This is the hair.
I got hairy legs.
But wait, are these?
They look raspberries, but those are germs?
I think, yeah.
See, it says mild symptoms.
That's what it's called.
Oh, funny.
He's just such a character, too.
He's a really fun guy.
You would enjoy him on your podcast.
My uterus right now.
Wow.
What is the one where he'll do like a cityscape?
And I'm like, oh, they should make an animated movie about his world.
Yeah.
Not that one.
There's a bunch of them.
Well, there's so many.
The problem is he puts out one every single day.
God, it's wild.
Yeah, it's amazing stuff.
It's really good.
Wow.
It's almost, I don't want to compare it.
He'll probably hate me if he hears this, but it feels like it's got Banksy-esque
commentary,
like using sort of famous, iconic images and subverting them.
But he'll say, like, when you ask him, like, you know, why do you have all the,
you know,
dicks dressed up as missiles?
He's like, I don't know.
I fucking just made a fucking picture of some dicks.
That was us last night watching Top Gun, which I loved.
It was a mind-bending thrill ride.
Mrs. Rogan wasn't that into it.
Well, it was.
She was like, eh.
We definitely were laughing at parts that got a little too, like, homoerotic?
Like, melodramatic.
It felt a little telenovela.
And it was, it didn't help that all the machines look like giant dicks flying
through the air.
It was all these guys on dicks being like, love you, man.
But I thought it was cool because it was just like, it was so unabashedly
emotional and patriotic.
And it was like a love letter to our forces.
Oh.
It really is.
I mean.
Well, they got in trouble, right?
Like, China won't distribute it because he wore a Taiwanese flag on his back or
something?
Was that the Jon Hamm character?
I think someone told me he was, the character was so decorated and had one
Taiwanese flag and they might have made them take it out, of course.
I think they were going to take it out, but then they changed their mind or
something.
But it's like the pressure from China.
Yeah, there it is.
I bet.
Yeah.
So here it is.
2019, the trailer for Top Gun Maverick showed Cruz's character, U.S. Navy pilot
Pete Mitchell, in the same bomber jacket he wore in the original film.
But two of its flag patches, representing Japan and the Republic of China, the
official name for Taiwan, appeared to have been replaced by other emblems.
The movie was like four years old then?
That's wild.
If they had a trailer in 2019.
That's wild.
They're like, we can't believe Tom Cruise believes.
So they started filming it then?
I think it was supposed to come out and then the pandemic happened.
Oh, that makes sense.
It's funny that the problem they have with Tom Cruise is that he believes
Taiwan is its own country and not that he believes in aliens.
Well, I believe in aliens.
He doesn't believe in aliens.
He believes that we are thetans.
Right, right, right.
That we were like dropped off in volcanoes.
That we're like ice cubes.
I have a hot take on Scientology, which is that I drive by the creepy ass
Scientology Center in L.A. now and I'm like, you know what?
I'm glad anyone that thinks that's a good idea is in a building.
Anyone that would be vulnerable to that is just they've got them.
They stay in there.
They go on boat.
Like what would the people that think Scientology is a good idea to subscribe
to be doing if Scientology was not available to like be the cult that they're a
part of?
They would like join the Moonies or something.
Yep.
They would be something else.
Yeah.
They would find some other thing to latch on to.
Cult type thing.
Yeah.
I mean, there's just a lot of vulnerable people out there that just have weak
minds.
And I think the more apocalyptic the world becomes or the more it feels like
this doomsday thing, the more we all want to latch on to something that's going
to give us a sense of control, fake control.
If they didn't have such a wacky origin story, I think they'd be way more
successful.
The problem is like the guy who started, did you ever read Lawrence Wright's
Going Clear?
I saw the documentary.
I interviewed him.
Fascinating guy.
You've had Leah on?
Yeah, I've had Leah on.
I had Miscavige's dad on who escaped, like literally escaped in a car chase,
left the compound to get away from his son and Scientology.
And the wife is missing, Shelley.
I don't believe she's missing.
I think she came out and said, no, I'm fine.
Oh, really?
But, you know, I think she's probably.
Was it my robot with her color hair?
I am fine.
I think she was punished for insubordination.
I bet.
She probably didn't salute correctly.
Something went wrong.
It's pretty wild.
I mean, and the fact that they still have tax, they don't pay taxes.
That's the wildest thing.
It's like, first of all, here's what's wild.
That guy, L. Ron Hubbard, who created Scientology, was a science fiction writer
who is the most prolific author in human history.
He has more published work than any other author ever because that motherfucker
never wrote a second draft.
His work is so bad.
It's so bad.
It's like, and then they pulled the laser beans out and shooted them at the
planet, and then the planet blew up into a million pieces, and then those
million pieces shot off into individual spaceships, and those individual spaceships
floated out into different galaxies and started their own universes.
Like, it's so bad.
But back then, was he on a typewriter, or was it handwritten?
Oh, yeah, typewriter, for sure.
Yeah, that's too annoying to have to go back and redo.
Well, they all did that.
I mean, that was Hemingway's famous quote that Ari used to have glued on his
laptop.
It said, the first draft of everything is shit.
First drafts are supposed to suck.
Yeah, they suck.
You're trying to get your ideas out there, and then you go back, and you sort
of reform them.
And that's, I mean, that's how it is with every bit, right?
I'm just, I cannot tell you.
This is the first time I've shot an hour that I felt like was, like, ready.
Like, ready.
Do you think you're more ready because we have all this time because of the
pandemic?
I made a promise to myself that I would not come out of the pandemic less
skilled at anything, less interesting, you know.
Too late.
Sloppy.
How dare you?
And I was like, okay, we obviously have this time.
Like, we can't sit around and just get rusty.
We can't when we come back and everyone finally is, you know, in their mind
taking a big risk going to a show where people are exhaling on each other or,
like, you know, taking a risk to go to a venue, which is what people thought
about it, at least some states, when we first started going back out.
And they've been inside for two years.
They've been listening to us on podcasts.
They feel connected to us.
I was like, I'm not going to go out there and be mediocre or work out and it
would, like, be sloppy.
And so I worked really hard over the pandemic to be writing, to be thoughtful
and to go, you know, this stuff is killing, but in 10 years, will it still feel
insightful and fresh?
Like, just cutting a lot of stuff that felt like it works, but I would rather
go smarter or weirder or try to figure out a way that this is going to age well.
Mm.
I think it gives you time to – I think the thing about, like, the way we were
doing specials before was, like, every two years is great.
Louis did it every one year for a while, which I think is kind of insane.
Yeah.
But every two – and that's what Carlin did, too.
So I think that's the model that he adopted.
Every two years was good, but for me, like, I'm about to film and I feel like
my shit has never been tighter.
It's, like, never been tighter because I had the time off and then getting back
into it also had, like, this newfound enthusiasm because I recognized, like,
hey, this thing that we love so much almost went away and kind of did for at
least a year.
We took it for granted, for sure.
Yeah.
But now I have these bits that I didn't record in 2020 and I got to hone them
and sharpen them and edit them and polish them and then add all this new stuff
to it as well.
And it's just – I think that's the way to do it.
I think it's more like three years or maybe even four.
This is – and you made a very big impact on me one day.
You might not even remember it.
But this was maybe my last special and I was about to shoot it and you went, I
just shot a special.
All I can tell you is if you think you're ready, do it for another three months.
Yeah.
Like, when you think you're ready, that's when you need another three months,
you know.
And I had probably – after I thought I was ready, I was able to do, like –
I mean, I did maybe 85, 90 shows or something of this one.
So it was really fun to, like, be in the pocket, feel like it was ready and
then go, no, there's more to do.
There's more to chisel.
Yeah.
And I don't know if you really know until after you filmed it, but this is –
I've done five specials.
This is the first one that when I taped it, I was like, I'm done.
I wasn't still thinking of tags later.
It wasn't haunting me.
I wasn't looking at the edit going, ah, I should have thought of it.
I was like, I have left everything on the floor.
Well, when we saw you at the Paramount, you were so loose.
You were so in the groove.
You know when someone is just like – you know when someone's thinking while
they're up there and they're thinking about their next bid or they're thinking
about their transitions?
You were just free.
You know, and that's a sign that someone's ready.
Thank you.
And that means a lot.
And I agree with you, not to – it sounds narcissistic, but I do think that,
you know, there's a point you get to when you work something so hard in front
of so many different kinds of people.
You know, in that hour, you know, I feel really precious about in a way or
connected to it because I was doing it outside, on cars, with people in masks,
like in parking lots.
It's like so many different places.
So by the time I got to like a theater where, you know, it's like – it just
feels like you're flying.
And it's the best feeling in the world to just kind of go like, I know all this
is going to work.
Now what else can I bring to it physically or playfully and how can I surprise
myself so that I'm actually on a ride with them too.
That's pretty wild that you did it in parking lots too, right?
Whoever gets to say that?
Jesus.
I did stand-up to people in cars.
Because so now it's like I've been getting such amazing feedback, which has
been sort of suspiciously nice, you know, because the internet usually, you
know, doesn't treat anyone like that, much less female comedians.
But there's something that feels so – like this is everybody's hour because I
did it so many – everyone that came and laughed and honked and whatever the
hell we were going through.
I'm like, I know that you guys laughed.
And if anyone says this isn't good, they're judging you.
Like I went all over the country.
I went everywhere.
And I just really feel good about that.
That's great.
Like this has worked everywhere for a while.
And I had fun and I was in the moment when I was performing, which is hard to
capture.
You know, I almost feel like specials.
Like, you know when you just shoot – when you have a great performance
somewhere and you're like, God, I wish we had just filmed that.
And then you go to shoot it and then all of a sudden it's like you're in this
completely unnatural situation.
There's cameras, the audience feels the cameras and you're like, oh, God, I
almost wish that we all just toured and one day you're, you know, in Denver and
someone's like, hey, just so you know, we got that.
And you're like, fuck, there's my special.
Right.
Like you just – no one knew there was cameras there.
Exactly.
Well, the club that we're setting up out here, we're putting cameras in the
walls.
We're setting it up so that someone can film there and all we have to do is
just press a button.
I would love to shoot my next special there.
Let's fucking do it.
Can I tell you, I think the best – you know, I'm actually in the fall going
to go back and do a couple clubs because I just miss that – that 400 people
in one place when you're killing and you're on – like, mind melding.
There's no better feeling than that.
I don't think there's a better environment to watch comedy or to do comedy than
a club.
I think – I love arenas because they're just nuts.
Like standing out there in front of, you know, just insane sea of human beings
in the round.
It's really fun.
And when you kill, the sound is insane.
But it's not the same experience.
It's a different, bigger, grander experience.
But there's something so intimate about, like, a 300-seat room or a 400-seat
room when it's packed and low ceilings and you're crushing.
It's like – that's real comedy.
That's as good as comedy gets.
And I try to really play defense on – I know people kind of zeitgeist to talk
about claptor because if you have all your own fans and everyone's psyched to
be there and you have a lot of people and people are cheering.
And you're like, there's a difference between involuntary laughs and cheering.
And when I went back on tour, I'd find that I'd be like, yeah, the other day,
you know, I went on a date and people are like, woo!
And you're like, that's not – that's how comedians start to suck.
They conflate that response with an involuntary laugh.
Right, but you would never do that.
No, I just mean like –
You're too self-aware.
Sometimes audiences get amped if they're just your people.
They bought tickets, they're invested.
I just mean like every now and then you got to do –
Don't worry about traps that fall into – for people that suck.
That's what that is.
That's people that suck trap where they get excited and so they purposely say
things they know will get people to cheer.
That shit is nonsense.
There's so many people that do that.
But in a club, you can feel the – you can feel how you're doing.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, that's one of the beautiful things about a little club, right?
Like the belly room.
When you're in that little room, little rooms like that are just like the truth
serum.
Yep.
They keep you so honest, too.
And I think that with social media now, it's hard to not be corny and be full
of shit.
It's not because we're promoting ourselves.
We're going, hey, guys, come see me at the – it's like how are we becoming
the very thing that we make fun of?
It's way harder for people that don't have podcasts.
You know why?
Because they feel the need to express their opinions about certain things in a
way that is kind of awkward.
Where, like, we talk about things so much on podcasts that when you're on stage,
you can just talk shit and just have fun.
Well, they can't do that.
They feel like they have to establish their positions on Roe v. Wade and
establish their positions on this and that.
And they have to do that on stage, which is kind of crazy because it's like –
it's not a good way to do comedy.
You know, it's just not – unless you have a really good bit about it.
If you have a really good Roe v. Wade bit, yeah, great.
But if you're just bringing it up, just say, you know, we're in a bad time
right now and this fucking Roe v. Wade makes my goddamn blood boil.
Yay!
Yay!
That is why I called this special Jokes.
Oh, is that what you called it?
It's called Jokes.
Really?
That's a great name.
Jokes.
And I know, you know, people tend to, you know, overthink their titles
sometimes.
I think for the most part, nobody remembers any of the titles.
They're like, oh, it's the third one.
It was the one where he was in Chicago at the theater, right?
You know?
Right.
But I really wanted to let people know that, you know, I'm not going to lecture
you on how to vote.
I'm not going to bring you in promising you comedy and then do a secret TED
Talk halfway through where I am vulnerable and talk about my abusive childhood.
Like, I'm just trying to make you laugh.
I am a clown and I take that very seriously.
And I think there's just been this thing where comedians now feel like they
have to be way in on everything.
You know why?
Twitter.
Yeah.
That's what it is.
Yeah.
That's why I don't go on it.
These people are all toxic.
They're out of their fucking minds.
Have you seen Norm Macdonald's new special?
No, I haven't.
It's rough stuff.
It's rough for me to watch.
I don't want to get sad.
I couldn't, I cried a couple times.
I called Swartzen and I was like, I can't watch it.
And he's like, just watch it, you dumb cunt.
Get the fuck over yourself.
You know, so I was like, okay, you're right, you're right.
Like, what am I doing?
And because he does look, you know, he looks not very well.
He doesn't look well.
How long was it before he died that it was filmed?
Maybe a year or something.
It's called Nothing Special.
He shot it in his house, like into a computer, into like an iPad.
And he did this, why?
Did he do it?
During the pandemic.
Did he do it as a special?
I don't know if he intended for it to be a special or if it's just he shot it
during the pandemic.
Well, I mean, it must have.
And then he died and it was, you know.
But was he just experimenting with the material or was he?
You never know with Norm.
You never know how worked out it is.
And he had this joke.
He was just like, perfect.
He goes, you know, he's like, you know, now people want comedians to weigh in
on like political issues.
And, you know, he's like, back during the Vietnam War was everyone like, I
wonder what Red Skeleton thinks.
It's like, it's just like, perfect.
And he wasn't preachy.
There's a way to do it.
There's a way to get your point across without being preachy.
So he said, I'm obviously going to butcher it.
Norm's one of my, you know, heroes.
So I'm sorry, Norm.
I'm stomping on your grave.
But he goes like, he's like, and I was watching the news, you know, and, you
know, sometimes there's this, you know, guy giving you the news or woman.
Like if he mentions, like, you know, sometimes there's like a guy there or girl,
like acknowledging the eggshells and just leaning hard in it, but not making a
comment.
Just that was it, you know.
And he just does stuff in such a deft, elegant way.
And he was, he was mocking the idea that every, everyone needs to like have a
platform now for their cause, you know.
And he's like, look, I know everyone's using, you know, comedy as their
platform for their cause.
I, my cause, it is very important to me.
He's like, I am against cannibalism.
And I know that you guys have probably made up your mind on cannibalism by now.
And there's nothing I can do to change your mind, but I am against it.
And then he goes, but I'm not going to make this my bully pulpit.
And it's just bizarre and hilarious.
And it's just so weird.
And, you know, it's Norm.
Yeah.
He was, he had such a bizarrely unique sense of humor, but it worked, you know,
just from him, it worked.
Remember the, his saget roast?
No.
I don't watch roasts.
It's, this is Norm MacDonald.
Why is that funny?
That one was particular if I remember it too.
That was a good one.
It is.
Cause the roast, you know, I mean, it's, it's Greg Gerrall.
I mean, it's, it's all of us writing perfect, airtight, the most offensive,
brutal jokes you can tell on the planet.
Which by the way, I think I'm going to do a couple of roasts on only fans.
Really?
Isn't that crazy?
On only fans?
They asked me to do like their first like TV content thing.
And I was like, God, you know what we can't do anymore?
Brutal roast jokes.
You can't do them on network television.
You're going to get in trouble.
What if it was behind a paywall?
What if instead of like dirty pictures and dirty videos, it was like dirty
jokes that you can't tell anywhere?
Oh.
We'll see.
It could work.
Interesting.
I'll talk to them about it.
Dirty jokes you can't tell anywhere, but you kind of can tell jokes that are
funny anywhere.
Well, you know what it is?
It's more like you're not going to get the blowback you would if it was just on
Twitter or Instagram.
There's no comment.
There's a paywall.
So it's like it's almost like a Patreon or something.
It's like if you're coming here and then you say anything, you're just a snitch.
You know what's bizarre about only fans?
They don't have a search section.
We're reading this yesterday.
We're reading about how many people are on only fans since 2019.
Like I don't remember what the numbers were.
Do you remember what the numbers were?
I went from 70,000 in 2019 to just over a million like in 2021 or something.
Yeah.
So the pandemic created a lot of hoes.
They just needed to get there.
They need to get that cash.
That's true.
I'm into it.
There's teachers making it.
And we don't pay teachers enough.
If teachers go on only fans and show their tits like.
I know.
But isn't that like sad?
Isn't it sad to make 30 grand a year?
It is sad to make 30 grand a year.
When you're teaching our next generation.
Yeah.
But what I'm saying is isn't it sad that that's how they have to make money?
I mean, yeah, I guess.
It depends.
I just watched this.
Have you seen this documentary, The Most Hated Man on the Internet?
No.
Who is the most hated man on the internet?
His name is Hunter Moore.
I don't know.
Brandon Schaub just went like this.
I remember this guy.
I don't even want to get caught in these crosshairs.
I don't even want to be close to this.
Damn it.
There wasn't.
I literally.
Oh, that was close.
Oh, gosh.
I've done, by the way, God damn it.
Andrew, I just did Andrew Schultz's podcast.
I did a bunch of podcasts in New York.
And it was always like the countdown to when that was going to come up.
And I'm glad we just got it out of the way real early.
Okay.
Listen, I love Brandon Schaub.
We love him.
He's my homie.
He's always going to be my, I don't care what dumb shit he says.
I don't give a fuck.
I love that guy to death.
I'm a ride or die.
The amount of backlash and shit I got when I started and had a show out was
brutal.
It was brutal.
I didn't know you then.
I met you at the Laugh Factory.
I remember I met you at the Laugh Factory.
I had already been kicked out of the comedy store.
And that was, it was during my time where I was doing other clubs.
That was so weird.
So it was somewhere around like 2007-ish or something like that.
Upstairs.
I met you, I don't remember where I met you.
But I remember saying, can I get a hug?
You were in the corner crying.
Yeah, it's so weird to think that because I was at the comedy store when you
were not.
And you were still such a big presence there in a way that it's, because Ari
was there.
You know, it just was, I don't know.
I felt like I knew you maybe before I knew you.
Yeah.
That was a weird time.
It was a weird time for you too, because like there was a lot of people hating
on you because of your show.
Because it was so big.
Like you had these giant billboards and your face was everywhere.
You know, that's just one of those things where that fucking green envy monster
pops out of people and they get so mad.
But it's also, I'm a comic.
I know what you're making fun of.
If there was a show called, you know, Rita with some girl holding a beach ball,
like being sassy, I would make fun of it too.
It was like, you know, I was young and you know, it's like as a comedian you
get an offer like that.
How old were you when you got Whitney?
27.
27.
Damn.
That's crazy.
You have your own show at 27.
And I wanted to hire all my friends.
I fought really hard even though I had no power.
You know, I wrote the part for Chris D'Elia.
You know, and I said I don't want to do this without him.
Not that I even had any of that power at the time.
You know, of course they want to cast like these actors that have been on nine
shows.
Right.
And that have been on a bunch of failed shows.
You're like, why do I want someone that's, people have voted they don't want to
see.
What year was it that you started doing stand-up?
2004.
So you were only doing stand-up for a short period of time.
How many years before you got your show?
Six.
That's wild.
Seven.
That's wild.
Wild.
I was doing the roasts.
I was a writer for the roasts.
And then I was on the roasts and Comedy Central did not, I never got premium
blend.
Or I never got Gotham.
I never got New Faces in Montreal, which really quick.
Just a joke that you might appreciate that I wrote for Joan Rivers at the Joan
Rivers Roast,
but didn't tell.
This is kind of an inside comedy thing.
Joan Rivers has had so much work done on her face.
Every year she books Montreal new faces.
And so then I did the Joan Rivers Roast and I did so well that Comedy Central
offered me a half hour.
And then I just was like, I wanted to do an hour.
Because, you know, they said no to me so many times.
Right, right.
As soon as I had leverage, I just was like...
Right, use it.
Fuck this.
Yeah, because also then, when comedians complain about their clips being, you
know, broken up on Instagram
or their stand-up being broken up, I always try to go like, remember when we
were on Comedy Central
and they would break up our specials seven minutes and then a four-minute
commercial
and then five minutes, they would just arbitrarily break it up anywhere
and you only actually had 42 minutes to actually do stand-up.
Yeah, and your set was fucked up because, like, sometimes those bits would
continue after the commercial break
and people would forget what the fucking premise is.
And if people were just tuning in, they had no idea.
They didn't give a shit.
They just shoved those commercials in there.
I remember.
It's like, and Adam and Eve!
And you're like, cool.
I remember I used to do my second Comedy Central special.
I remember trying to time it seven minutes, punchline, killer, and do, like,
three mini-sets with little closers
instead of one big set because of the way they would cut it up.
To be 27 and have your own show is so crazy.
Crazy.
It's so, it's so, like, so much pressure.
That must have been, like, really overwhelming and weird.
Well, because I think at that point, you think more is more in terms of press,
publicity, that kind of stuff.
Yeah, just keep doing it.
Do it all.
But it's also, I didn't realize how, you know, it's interesting the way that,
you know, whether it's our business or just people in general,
they look at comedians as kind of these children that need to be babysat
instead of these mature adults that have gone all around the country and, you
know, comported ourselves.
Actually, we act like silly gooses sometimes, but we really have our shit
together.
What we do is not easy.
So, going in and when they were making the billboards and stuff, I was like,
you guys, this looks like a cheesy sitcom from the 80s.
This looks like Veronica's closet, like, this looks like a Fran Drescher show
from the 80s.
It was like, because it was multicam, it was like purple font.
And I didn't know what I was doing.
They do those photo shoots with you and they're like, you know, make this face,
like, do this.
And I'm like, me, me.
And I was like painted as like the finger wagging, like, annoying girlfriend.
Oh, no.
But the show was like a role reversal.
It was about me, someone who had come from three divorces and was actually
commitment phobic, but in love with someone and trying to figure out how to
like, you know, like someone who's kind of feral, trying to be domesticated, to
be in a normal relationship.
And, you know, and it was, people loved it.
They couldn't get past the multicam of it.
And, which is weird because I feel like multicam is so respected in one, in one
way, cheers.
Well, explain to people what that means.
It means you did it in front of a live audience.
Sure.
Like when you shoot show in front of a live studio audience, Roseanne.
So who couldn't get past that?
What do you mean they couldn't get past that?
I think people would just, were so mad that I like existed that they couldn't,
it was like, well, that's a laugh track.
They were mad that you existed.
Well, maybe.
That's interesting.
So it was just, who are these people?
I don't know.
Like critics or other comics?
Like, what do you?
I don't know.
It was, I think I also, it was a multicam, I did two multicams that year, shows
in front of a live studio audience.
The Whitney Show and then Two Broke Girls.
Two Broke Girls was on CBS.
It was beloved and ended up going for six seasons.
That was a show that had other multicams.
Two and a half men, Big Bang Theory, Mike and Molly.
So that was kind of.
The network was already sort of set up for that.
And anyone watching that network is already kind of.
King, Queens.
Yeah.
I follow the office and community on.
Oh, I see.
So.
So they were used to single cam things being shot kind of like a movie.
I think the Inside Cool Kids Club was like, what's this?
Like.
I got news for you.
That club sucks.
And those people that are in that club are all cunts.
The Inside Cool Kids Club.
Those are assholes pretending to not be assholes.
Well, you know what else?
They're douchebags pretending to be kind and considerate.
And the irony is like they all.
It's a lot.
It's a lot of Harvard guys.
It's like Harvard lampoon guys.
Well, some of the best writers.
Yeah.
I've met a lot of great writers from Harvard.
It's kind of amazing how many good.
Like a lot of the guys from news radio were Harvard guys.
Oh, interesting.
That lampoon thing, right?
Well, they're just, you know, really smart guys who became.
You know, that you got sort of ushered into this group.
And it was a great way to like use that intellect and that love of comedy.
And comedy writing.
And it was already like a clearly established path.
You know, like Paul Sims had come through there and all these different.
And when they came through, it's like there was other ones that had already
paved the path.
It was like, oh, I'll just go on to write for sitcoms.
Right.
And then, you know, hey, this guy's really funny.
We'll hire him.
He was also in, you know, the lampoon.
But you're not better than me because you went to Harvard.
We're both telling dick jokes.
We're both doing dick jokes here, guys.
You know, I mean, that is always a part of Harvard, right?
A part of Ivy League education is that, you know, some people are going to feel
like they're elite.
Right, right.
Which is fine if you're doing elite work.
But there's a lot of people that were just not, you know, but they had the
attitude.
Weren't you taking classes in a building that had Epstein etched on the top?
Didn't Harvard have Epstein money?
Did he?
Yeah.
Did he donate?
In the science, yeah.
Well, he definitely donated some money to science, you know, but I had a
conversation with a scientist who didn't buy into that Epstein stuff and wouldn't
go to the meetings and stuff like that.
And he said he was really shocked at how little money he actually donated.
Interesting.
Yeah, he goes, it wasn't that much money.
He goes, it was really like he was more than that.
He was bringing them to parties.
Like it was an intelligence operation.
Whoever was running it, whether it was the Mossad or whether it was the CIA or
whether it was a combination of both, it was an intelligence operation.
They were bringing in people and compromising them.
And then when they would compromise them, they would use, you know, whatever
they had on them to influence their opinions and the way they expressed those
opinions.
And I don't know why they would want to do that with scientists, which is
really strange to me.
Epstein's like, I need you to do a study about how 15-year-old girls are adults.
They're more mature than we thought.
But if a scientist donates, I'm sorry, if a rich person donates to a scientist,
do they have any ability to weigh in or they're just like, here's a, I get no
decisions about how this money's spent?
It's a very good question.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I mean, I would imagine the money goes, like if you have a research grant,
right, and say like you're working on a cure for leukemia or something like
that, you know, you find established scientists that are working on this thing.
And then you, you allocate money so that they can work on projects.
Whether or not the person who donates the money has any influence on how that
money is spent, I doubt it.
I highly doubt it.
I don't, I don't think legitimate scientists would adhere to that.
Allow that.
Yeah.
Because I mean, I know that just my, you know, if you're shooting an
independent movie that has investors, Russian investors, Saudi investors, like
you have to hang out with them.
Oh, really?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, boring.
They're at Vineo Village.
Like it's kind of the, it's like you have to flirt with them.
Here it says, Epstein regularly visited, had card key access to, and was
provided a designated office space within the program in evolutionary dynamics
until 2018.
So that means they, they gave him that at Harvard after he had been arrested
for fucking underage girls.
Had an office.
Yeah.
Granting him that level of access raises serious questions about the compliance
with Harvard's policies.
And beginning in 2017 about whether or not the professor, Nowak, acted in
deliberate circumvention of Harvard's security procedures.
So he was arrested and did, he'd already did time by then, which is crazy.
It's also like at first I was like, oh God, he was on campus with all these
like girls.
How scary.
But they were probably too old for him.
So look at this here, Harvard University said Friday that convicted sex offender
Jeffrey Epstein donated more than nine million to the university over the
course of a decade and had an office on campus after his 2006 arrest.
Nope.
So he was arrested in 2006 and then after that, up until 2018, still had an
office there.
That is why old.
But here's the thing, whatever he was doing, and I don't know why he was doing
it, you know, and no one knows now that he's dead.
But he had a lot of scientists that he was tight with.
And that was one of the things that he did was bring these scientists to that
island and he would have young girls on that island.
But like, what's the end goal there?
This is what I don't understand.
And what's really crazy is Ghislaine Maxwell is in a minimum security prison.
She teaches yoga.
Is allowed to do yoga.
She's allowed to hang out and watch TV.
She's watched Netflix.
Is she allowed to use email to send us the list?
That's what I was going to say.
The list has not been released.
Like, there is a fucking list.
And this is not a mystery.
There's not a mystery to the people that are prosecuting her.
There's her hippocampus.
Pull out her hippocampus.
Have Elan put that freaking thought reading.
Elan?
Who's that?
Is that Elan's brother?
Elan shit.
Sorry.
No.
You know, I've been friends with Elan Gold for so long.
Oh, Elan Gold.
Yeah.
Elan.
Well, Elan Gold probably can do an impression of Elan Musk.
So there you go.
Elan Gold does amazing impressions.
He used to call me and prank me as other people all the time.
And one time he called me as Jeff Goldblum.
And I was like busy.
And I was like, stop fucking bothering me, dude.
And I kept hanging up on him.
And then, like, an hour later, it was actually Jeff Goldblum.
He's like, oh, this is actually me.
Can you stop hanging up on me?
So random.
But let me ask you, is it something as insane as this?
Because what's more profitable than, you know, new cutting-edge science,
whether it's a, you
know, a prescription, whether it's a finding, whether it's a something?
Like, does he, if he donates to some kind of scientific discovery that's going
to be
lucrative down the line, a pill, a medicine, a cure, does he get any kind of
power?
Over it or money from it?
Well, some of these scientists were string theory physicists.
Like, they're not inventing shit.
Okay.
Like, it's some of the stuff that they were working on.
It's like this very bizarre, I mean, theoretical stuff.
I don't know how that's applicable to anything financial.
I mean, maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe I'm missing a connection.
I was going to say, if you donate to University of Austin and they discover, to
the cancer research
and they discover the cure for cancer and you donated, you should get a piece.
A little piece of that.
A little back end of that.
A nice little taste.
You probably do.
I mean, they definitely have that with some medical inventions, you know?
So, I digressed about, so this guy Trevor Moore, did you remember there was a
site called
Are You Up?
Is anyone up?
Is anyone up?
Is this the most hated man on the internet?
Well, that's what the documentary's called on Netflix.
Oh, right, right, right.
And he would, like, right in the Wild Wild West days of the internet, before
the laws caught
up with what was going on, he would take photos of girls, like, anything crazy.
It was kind of like the first, like, 4chan or 8chan, don't you think?
It was definitely a blog that people went to a lot, and revenge porn.
Oh, it was revenge porn.
But then it sort of escalated into sex with animals and crazy stuff with
animals, and there's
a girl in it who's being interviewed.
I'm just laughing because it is ridiculous.
Even the girl in the documentary, she, you know, has a little look in her eye
when she
says it.
She's like, hi, I'm Butthole Girl.
Butthole Girl?
Like, she put something in her butt, and then he put the photo up, and then she
had kids,
so she's like, can you please get it down?
And then he was, this is the Marine that took him down, and then you know who
else took him
down?
Anonymous.
Oh, interesting.
I love Anonymous.
But, so, that's his ex-girlfriend, but he said, put a phone in your butt, and I'm
going
to call it, and video yourself with a phone ringing in your butt.
How does she get a phone in her butt?
It's on there, and then...
What kind of phone are we talking about?
Like a Nokia?
I'm thinking, it must have been a flip phone, Razor phone?
Yeah, I had a little one back in the day that was like a candy bar phone.
Yeah, like a, it feels like it's like a, like a, like a, like a cricket
wireless.
Some of them were pretty small.
Some of them I can imagine going in your butt.
Yeah.
Some of the early ones.
Butt?
Well, because then he was like, put your fist in your butt.
Oh.
Escalated, escalated, but...
Your whole fist?
Yeah, it's not great.
It's not ideal, but I don't...
How do you get back there?
It's a great question, but...
Some people are flexible.
I mean, how...
At least we know why the site was so big.
How flexible are you?
It might be a front way.
No, that's not going to work.
That might be the only way.
Here's the other thing.
This is something else that's nuts.
Is he would tell his followers, like, punch yourself in the face.
Like, he would dare his followers to do crazy stuff and film it, and then he'd
put it on the site.
There's videos of people just like punching themselves in the face.
It's so hard to watch.
But what he had been doing was he was intercepting photos of girls, guys, the
private photos from their emails, posting it with their address, their
workplace, and the kink for him.
It wasn't just like porn or sex.
It was like, they were getting off on the fact that these people hadn't consented
to posting it.
So it was like, you can find plenty of people that want to have their stuff
online, OnlyFans and whatever.
But, like, it's kind of an interesting...
It's worth watching.
Some guy just got arrested because he was running a porn site, and he was, like,
promising these girls that he was not going to put it online.
And he filmed, like, 100 girls having sex and promised them that he wasn't
going to put them online and put it all online.
I feel like as soon as...
You know what I'm talking about?
Somebody sent it to me.
It's one of my daily email updates, so I definitely have it.
And then he put it on, like, a porn hub or something?
Yeah, something like that.
Something like that.
But were they just having sex with him just to make a fun sex tape?
I think he paid him.
Ah.
I'm not exactly sure.
I'll tell you in a moment.
But it's, you know...
But it's interesting because back then, I was watching it as...
You finding it?
I found an article on Fox about it.
Hold on.
But I remember the time that you came up to me after a set at the store.
Oh.
Yeah.
Pornside owner, of course, to 100 women, to film videos he said wouldn't be
posted online.
Yeah.
Oh, would this be maybe like that backroom couch guy?
Yeah.
I don't know how that it is, but I don't just...
Those are a lot of people's favorites.
The ones that are...
The couch ones.
They're like, I've never done this before.
Had sex on a shitty couch?
No.
No, no, no, no.
It's shot backstage at Flappers Comedy Club.
Like, have you ever done porn?
No.
And then next thing you know, they're blowing a guy on film.
What's with the stepbrother thing?
I'll tell you what that is.
Please.
First of all, it's the pandemic.
Everybody had to get stuck inside.
And because everyone's stuck inside, like, say, say if you and I were married
and you had a 17-year-old son and I had a 17-year-old daughter and we just got
married and they're not related to each other.
And all of a sudden, they're in the house together.
Yep.
That's the premise, except the 17-year-olds.
Put this mask on.
Really in their fucking 20s and, you know, they're porno stars.
Isn't there...
So that's what it is.
It's like, my dad told me that you're supposed to be my sister, but you don't
fucking seem like my sister.
Well, you just helped me load this laundry into the fucking dryer.
Oh, my God, I'm stuck.
Stuck porn's different stuff.
Stuck porn.
No, no, no.
There's a lot of stuck porn with stepdaughters.
I know, but it's like, well, yeah, yeah, but...
You combine the genres.
Okay, okay.
Why is it so confusing to you?
I don't know.
I think, I mean, it's hard to get stuck in a dryer unless you're Brad Williams.
Well, I was watching this girl get stuck under a bed.
I'm like, bitch, you are not stuck.
I see all this air underneath your stomach.
You're pretending you're stuck.
So you can get fucked.
You're trying to get fucked.
So dumb.
You know, your ass is straight up in the air.
I know what you're doing.
I'm not dumb.
That reminded me of Liam Neeson under the bed for Taken.
You know, remember when he was under the bed giving the speech?
No.
Of Taken, like, I have a very specific set of skills.
He was under the bed when he said that?
Yeah.
Also, have you seen all the pictures of Liam Neeson pissing himself?
Joe.
No.
Joe.
Why is he pissing himself?
Is he hammered?
Is that what it is, Jamie?
I haven't seen it.
It was brought to my attention on my podcast recently by a guest that Liam Neeson,
there's
many photos of him pissing.
Many?
Having pissed his, it's shocking.
So he just pisses himself a lot?
I think he just gets drunk and pisses himself.
Damn.
Do you see him?
Dude, it's shocking.
Well, why aren't you showing us, Jamie?
I was trying to find a good version to show you.
There's so many.
I thought it was going to be one or two.
There's so many.
It's...
Unapologetic pants pissing.
A thread.
It's...
What?
Dude, it's wild.
Because guys, I know after you pee, there's a little, sometimes a little dot of
pee.
No, that's a lot of piss.
Dude, it's wild.
He just does this a lot?
He looks hammered every time, though.
So how does he piss all over himself all the time?
Is that his thing?
There's four pictures.
He's got a leaky dick?
If you go on, like, just images and do Liam Neeson pisses himself, it's
everywhere.
Really?
It's brutal.
Yeah.
Fascinating.
Isn't that...
Wouldn't you know?
Wouldn't you feel it?
Or he must be down?
Maybe he doesn't give a fuck.
Maybe.
It's pretty gangster.
Maybe he's Liam Neeson.
He doesn't give a fuck.
I mean, it's...
Oh, Jesus.
There's a lot of pictures of him with piss all over his dick.
And it's also like no one around him is...
Got to wear dark pants.
Protecting him.
Protecting him.
Or it could be some troll online that is taking all these photos of Liam Neeson.
And putting little piss stains.
That's what I thought of at first.
There's too many, I think.
There's too many.
No, there's not too many.
Some fucking guy on Reddit is just, like, dosing up these pictures.
So what's going to happen in terms of that?
Like, is there ever going to be evidence, photo evidence again?
Or will you have to show metadata to prove that a photo hasn't been altered?
There's no way in 10 years from now, there's no way you're going to know
whether or not that's a video of you.
There's no way.
I mean, there's 100% like celebrity porn now that has not been shot with that
actual celebrity.
That's already been done, right?
We were talking about Tom Cruise earlier.
I'm sure you've seen the deep fake, the guy with Tom Cruise that does Tom
Cruise.
Have you seen it?
Yes, yes, yes.
It's incredible.
Yes.
I mean, you cannot believe that's not really Tom Cruise.
And this is just the beginning.
I mean, this is just what we're at now is this is just introductory technology.
What it's going to be in a few years from now, it will be CGI rendered and
impossible to detect.
You'll be able to watch celebrities do things that aren't even actually being
done.
Like right now, you can take a girl and you could put a celebrity woman's face
on that girl and that girl would do porn and it looks like a celebrity is doing
porn.
Right.
But in the future, you're going to be able to watch an artificial version of
that person do everything, commit murder, fuck herself with a cross.
There will be no person that has actually done it.
But that uncanny valley between like artificial CGI rendered images and what we
know to be real images, like where your mind can discern the difference, that
will be gone in 10 years.
But do you think that laws are going to catch up at some point in that it's
going to become so illegal?
Some dad is going to lose.
I mean, this is where dads step in.
It's unmanageable.
But this is when when a bunch of dads go, oh, my daughter is doing porn.
She never did.
Right.
Some law is going to be passed.
Because right now, if you leak a celebrity photo, I mean, the person that
leaked, I guess, Scarlett Johansson is the person that retaliated.
He went to jail for eight years for just releasing a nude photo.
So, you know, maybe if the punishment is severe enough, people will be deterred
from doing it.
I don't know.
Who's the girl from Hunger Games?
Some of her, a bunch of her stuff.
Jennifer Lawrence.
Yeah, a bunch of her stuff got leaked.
Right.
Yeah.
People got in trouble for that.
Yeah.
I mean, as they should.
And the interesting thing about it is it doesn't feel like it hurt her in any
way.
Because if you admit you looked at it, you're kind of the weirdo.
So it's like no one will really admit if they looked at it.
One thing if you do porn on purpose, and it's another thing if you do something
in the privacy of your own home and it gets leaked.
Like this is the Kim Kardashian dilemma.
Because like, did she leak that or did that get leaked?
You know, because if she was doing porn on purpose.
Or was she leaking?
On purpose.
Sorry.
Sorry.
We'll just call it Liam Neeson-y.
If she leaked it on purpose, then it's like, okay, are you a porn star?
Like, what are you doing?
But if it gets leaked, like, I can't believe this.
This is crazy.
Like, then you're a victim.
And it's okay.
So you came up to me at the comedy store once.
And I had done the bit about my boob getting leaked.
Remember that bit that I did?
It's in my special.
Yes.
I talked about my, I took, I was on edibles in my bathtub one night.
Fucking idiot.
I can't do edibles, Joe.
I can't, I can't, I don't have the personality for it.
I'm too neurotic.
So I'm in the bathtub.
I'm so high that I'm like, let me make an Instagram story.
Let me talk to my followers.
Like, I'm like, hey guys.
Hey, are you ever in the bathtub?
Isn't this crazy?
Like, just dumb.
Right.
And then I get out.
And then I go to like, check it.
Because I'm just so high.
You know when you post something, you're like, I want to see if it's going to
get in the algorithm.
And whenever I open it, there's like 15 missed calls.
Since my friends are like, I had just videoed my tit.
Like, just a crazy person.
Uploaded it.
On the Instagram story.
Like, and then I took it down.
And then like a couple months later, before I had my, that last special coming
out on Netflix,
I got an email where someone said, um, if you don't pay me $15,000, I'll sell
this photo of your boobs to a tabloid.
And it was, um, a screen grab of that video.
Like, someone had screen grabbed it before I took it down.
You know?
And it was just, it was more like, for me, like, I'm making light of it.
Like, no one should be okay with this.
Like, I felt like in a weird way, like, oh, maybe the universe, like, gave me
this problem to talk about because I'm fine.
Like, of all the things of mine on the internet, that's the least embarrassing.
Like, I have a, I have a lot of, you know, sets from random shows that, you
know, would be way more embarrassing.
Some sets from the Ice House from 15 years ago.
Way more pornographing.
Dude.
Um, and yeah, I, like, I always, like, to me, the only thing that I was really
embarrassed of in my cloud were all the screen grabs of inspirational quotes.
Like, that's the shit you have got to delete.
Like, when you go through your phone when an hacker has it, and you're like, oh,
God.
All these screen grabs of David Goggins.
Like, this is embarrassing.
Um, and, uh, and so I didn't pay him.
I ended up just posting it myself and making a joke out of it.
And then Bert posted his balls.
And it was just, comedians, we were able to make jokes about it, you know.
And, uh, but I can see how it, it didn't feel super violating to me because I
think I kind of violate myself for a living a little bit, you know, as a
performer.
It's just not something that I, you know, feel precious about.
And I don't have to worry about getting a job or getting into a school and
someone Googling me and seeing something that's going to ruin my reputation.
It's already ruined.
Well, it's not a big deal.
It's not a big deal.
Yeah, I mean, it's certainly not a big deal to you.
What did I say to you?
Oh, you just said you were like, that was really funny.
Oh, okay.
Because I really want to make sure that it didn't feel preachy or luxury, you
know, I just want it to be funny but also go like, this is a fucked up thing
that happened.
No, you're pretty self-aware of that.
You're not really a person that ever comes off as preachy or luxury.
You're just, you're real self-aware of not falling into that trap, which is so
important for some people.
But, you know, again, I say it again because you have a podcast and because,
like, anything that you want to talk about that's, like, a serious issue, you're
not under the constraints of being funny.
Like, when you take a serious issue and you want to discuss it on stage in a
comedy club, boy, that's a project, you know?
It can be done, but also you could fall into this trap like Lenny Bruce did
where in the later stages of his life he was just reading off legal transcripts
on stage because he had, like, important things that he needed to talk about
and he didn't have a podcast.
And I think there's also a way to do it, you know, that's, look, I just, I get
very simple about it.
I get very, I think sometimes the hardest thing is, you know, the smartest
thing is to just get really simple and go, like, okay, if I was going to a
hardware store and I wanted to buy a hammer and they only had oranges, I'd be
like, what the fuck, guys?
Like, someone's coming to a comedy club, you're a comedian, you have promised
them laughs, you have promised them you're going to forget about your problems.
I have promised you and you're paying me money for an hour of uncontrollable
laughter.
And if bringing up politics, bringing up, like, you know, it's just not conducive
to, unless you fucking have it so honed, unless they're prepared to see a
political comedian, whether it's Marr or whoever, but, like, you better really
make sure that you're not dividing people and upsetting people.
But even Marr, when Marr delivers this political comedy, it's always comedy.
Always.
Always.
It's always in comedy joke form.
The people that want to do that sort of TED Talk type thing, I mean, it's one
thing if you're doing it in a theater and people come to see you, if you're
like a Hannah Gadsby.
Do a TED Talk, yeah, do a TED Talk.
Even like Hannah Gadsby, like, that's not a TED Talk.
She's doing, but they already know now, she did her Netflix special, they know
what kind of comedy she does.
That's great, but at a comedy club, if they don't know you, or if you're one on
a lineup, and you want to do that, that's nuts.
Yeah, I feel like.
It's like you're doing a thing that's not supposed to be done in that place.
I just look, and I know that there's a, you know, and I don't mean to bring
gender into it, because I don't see gender.
You don't see it at all?
I'm joking, no, that was a total joke.
I can help you see it.
That was a joke.
But I do have to tell you this L.A. story in a second.
But, oh, because I am on, I got a rabies vaccine.
You did?
I'm on my third shot of a rabies vaccine.
Why?
Because a raccoon ran out my leg.
Oh, that's right.
Oh, you were telling me about that.
A raccoon?
So did the raccoon have rabies?
Clear, the raccoon was hanging in a tree after it ran out my leg.
Like, it looked like it was sleeping, maybe.
And then it was walking very slowly, which is, like, very out of character for
a raccoon behavior.
Although, I do think more and more people are going to die from wild animals,
because they're watching Instagram and TikTok.
And you can find any dangerous animal, like, snuggling up with a human.
Like, I definitely have seen videos of people, like, friends with raccoons.
They have a pet raccoon.
And I'm like, well, maybe raccoons are nice.
Like, stupid idiot.
And it ran up on my leg.
The next day, it's acting weird.
I call animal control.
And I'm like, hey, guys, I think I have, like, a raccoon issue here.
This is classic California animal control.
She goes, well, it's probably just sleeping.
And I was like, okay, I know, but it's up.
It's, like, in a tree.
It just looks weird.
She goes, well, yeah, well, that's where they live.
And I was like, no, I know that.
And she's like, well, I'm not going to remove an animal from its home.
I was like, bitch.
Like, this is, like, I'm going to kill it if you don't come get it.
But okay.
And then she went, okay, well, the problem is that a lot of people in L.A.,
they are testing
their cocaine for fentanyl.
And if it tests positive, they're flushing it down the toilet.
So we're having a lot of cases of animals that we think are just on fentanyl.
What?
So they flush it down the toilet, and then it goes through into the water.
But how does it get to the animal?
The animal drinks the toilet water?
They seem to think this is a common thing.
I don't know if it's in the L.A. River or in the L.A. Water Supply.
It might be really dumb, undereducated people answering the phones.
That's probably true also.
Yeah.
That's probably true also.
But a lot of people in L.A., everyone that I've heard, if they're going to do
cocaine,
which, if you're testing your cocaine, go call your dad.
Get that apology you needed.
Go, like, back to one.
Like, if you're, like, sitting around at a club, like, putting a strip in
cocaine and
being like, all right, guys, we have to wait 20 minutes.
Like, you're, like, take a good hard look in the mirror.
Yeah.
And then they wait.
And if it's positive for fentanyl, they're like, well, we can't do this.
But those are the last people that want to take a look in the mirror.
Yeah.
It's people doing coke.
Yeah, dude, if you're still, I know so many people now that are like, yeah, I
have to
test my cocaine.
I'm like, you're 48.
Like, what are you, two kids.
Like, it's Tuesday.
Like, what are you doing?
Do Adderall like an adult.
There's a lot of people out here that do coke.
There's a lot of people out here that are, like, they party sort of, like,
extra hard
because they don't feel legit.
They don't feel like they're connected to New York or L.A.
So they kind of have to, like, extra hard party out here.
Like, there's wife swappers out here.
There's a lot of freaky shit going on out here.
You also got all those tech dorks.
Tech dorks.
The tech dorks are everywhere.
Nobody fucked them for 34 years and they've got a shitload of money.
Then maybe roll your jeans down, guys.
And women will fuck you.
I don't think they need to.
They roll their jeans up.
They can roll them all the way up, all the way up past their knees when they
have that
kind of money.
Why are you wearing red wing work boots?
Because it's hot.
You work in an app.
It's hot.
You know what else is wild to me?
I was talking about, there was a guy on the plane next to me and he's in
finance here in
Austin.
And I was like, yeah, the tech dorks are everywhere.
And he was like, yeah, the vibe of the tech dorks is hard to explain.
And I was like, there is an arrogance that's like, we're better than you.
We're part of, you know, we're super progressive and we're like, you know,
these future heroes.
We're doing all this tech, but all you're doing is working on a bunch of apps
that like
take people's data.
Like you can't, you know what I'm saying?
This whole thing that you think you're heroes, but you don't even understand
what your boss's
goals are.
TikTok has an office here.
We read the terms of service the other day.
Me and Theo did.
And it made it to the front page of Fox News.
I did see that.
I did see that.
The fucking terms of service are insane.
Well, here's the other thing.
And I say this as someone that uses the aura band and the whoop band, but I'm
like, also
like, well, that's like collecting our breaths and our sleep.
And, you know, I'm like, I'm 23 and me collected your DNA, but that I would
argue, you know,
they found serial killers with that.
Like they're, Oh, did they?
Yeah.
They found the golden state killer.
Isn't it?
That's how they found them.
So wasn't that Patton Oswald's wife?
His wife had written a book about the golden state.
Basically, they couldn't find him.
He was at large.
His niece or something took a 23 and me test, having no idea.
And then they were able to go arrest him.
DNA from genealogy site used to catch suspected golden state killer, Joseph
James D'Angelo,
72, former police officer, was arrested on Tuesday.
Oh boy.
Is that, what, 50 years later?
More than three decades after his trail went cold, one of California's most
prolific killers
and rapists was caught using online genealogical sites to find a DNA match.
Prosecutors say investigators prepare, compared the DNA collected from a crime
scene of the
golden state killer to online genetic profiles and found a match.
A relative of the man police have identified as Joseph James D'Angelo.
Isn't that nuts?
Wow.
Because it's tricky because people would be like, you can't do 23 and me.
They're going to take your data.
It's like, I'd rather them have my email than serial killers be loose.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah, definitely.
But the problem is, like, what are they going to do with that data?
There's a thing that just came out recently that they're going to be able to
target specific
individuals for assassination by using a genetic weapon that is geared entirely
towards your
DNA.
That's fucked.
The day where...
Yeah, look at this.
Oof.
The day where if you're allergic to peanuts or something and I can just walk by
you on a
plane and throw peanuts on your plate or something.
So it held up that.
23andMe sold your genetic data to GlaxoSmithKline.
Click on that.
What the fuck?
So that's wild.
And GlaxoSmithKline is a...
Pharmaceutical company.
Oy, boy.
That's the pharmaceutical company that got sued for ReEquip.
Do you know the ReEquip story?
No.
No.
ReEquip was a drug, I think it was for Parkinson's disease.
I think that's what it was for.
And this guy got on it and it rewired his fucking brain so hard he became a gay
sex and gambling
junkie.
He was a married heterosexual man, got on this stuff and all he wanted to do
was suck cock
and roll dice.
This is why it's crazy.
It's because this guy was like meeting up with people he didn't even know and
fucking them.
He was like total loss of impulse control and crazy desires to do gay stuff.
What's nuts about this, like you're saying, oh, well, God, maybe it's just an
excuse.
Maybe the guy was gay and was ashamed and the drug releases inhibitions.
No.
He was into ancient Greek culture.
Yeah.
Right.
He won in court.
They paid him the equivalent.
I think it was an Irish court.
They paid him the equivalent of $600,000.
Oh, it was a French man.
Parkinson's patient has been urged not to stop taking their medication.
Keep rolling the dice and keep sucking those dicks because it emerged that a
French man won
a six figure payout over a drug that turned him into a gay sex and gambling
addict.
Let me be, let me just, hold on, hold on.
There are some, sorry for the pun, there are some holes in this story.
Um, what, like he was repelled by women's buttholes?
I don't know what happened.
This feels like-
Dopamine agonists, such as Reequip, will develop some form of this distressing
behavior, which
can range from compulsive gambling to binge eating and hypersexuality.
A GSK spokesman said, Reequip is a dopamine agonist used to treat patients with
the chronic
and progressive neurodegenerative condition, Parkinson's disease, for which
there is only a
small number of treatments available.
It directly stimulates dopamine receptors in the brain and acts as a
replacement for dopamine,
which is deficient in certain parts of the brain in patients with Parkinson's
disease.
Pathological gambling and increased libido and hypersexuality have been
reported in patients
treated with dopamine medicines.
These reports are uncommon when compared to the number of people treated with
these medicines.
Prescribing and patient information for Reequip provides information on compulsive
behaviors.
So this guy, whatever, they had to pay him.
I thought it was a lot more money than that.
They're saying it is 197,000 euros.
I'm pretty sure I read that it was the financial equivalent to 600,000 American
dollars.
Do you enjoy gambling?
No.
Um, I'm not a gambler.
I mean, I enjoy it a little bit.
When we went out with you to Vegas, my wife and I did some gambling.
Did you?
Yeah.
But we just got bored.
We were just playing blackjack.
We both suck.
Do you feel like there's any, like, like, what is the skill?
Like I dated a guy who's a poker player and like a lot of it is being able to
just kind
of read people and act.
You're kind of acting the whole time, right?
If you're really playing.
Well, Ari's a really good poker player.
That makes sense.
And Ari used to actually, when he was first becoming a comedian in L.A., he
would make
his living by playing in poker tournaments.
Cool.
And he made money.
He would win poker tournaments and place and cash and poker tournaments.
It's a skill.
Yeah.
Like, you have to know when to hold and when to fold and, you know, to know
what to do
is based on, you know, theory.
It's based on the amount of people that have done it that have been successful.
There's many books on it and many online things on it.
But it's a certain amount of it is based on intuition as well.
Right.
Being able to, like, feel other people's.
Yeah.
Like, Ari would go to, like, the Bicycle Club, those places, like, Bellflower
and a bunch
of degenerates.
Sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bicycles, casino.
Yeah.
I mean, my friend used to go down there all the time.
A really creative dude produced my special with me, Nick Curzon, and he's
brilliant.
And he would go down there and he was like, I don't know if I'm addicted to the
game or
the conversations.
Because the people are so damn.
I mean, you're sitting with people that are just...
Degenerates.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's three in the morning and it's, like, people that have been in jail and
they just,
everyone's a Joey Diaz.
Like, what's better than that?
I'm like, I get that.
No, degenerates are fun people.
Yeah.
They're very fun.
The best.
It's just one of those things.
It's like, it does something to your brain that for some people you could just
walk away,
but for other people, they are fucking hooked.
Well, I spent a lot of time in my early 20s in pool halls and I was around a
lot of degenerate
gamblers.
And I did some gambling, but I was never, like, a degenerate.
I was always, like, I was gambling because it was exciting.
I'll play, like, a set for a hundred bucks or something like that, like a race
to ten for
a hundred bucks.
It's fun.
And you don't want to lose.
So it makes things more exciting.
But it was never like, now I got to bet on the football game.
Now I have to bet on this.
I saw guys betting money on droplets of rain that were making it down a windowpane.
And they would pick each droplet.
They would pick a droplet and they would put money on it.
What's the biological basis for that?
Because that is something I feel like we all kind of do.
Thrills.
It's just thrills.
It's just thrills.
Trying to predict, trying to constrict.
Yeah.
Because it's like the same thing, like, when I do that.
Like, when you leave a restaurant and you're with your friends and you just
look at each
other and just race.
Like, what is that?
Why did we do that?
It's so dumb.
Well, that's just being silly.
Yeah.
There's no consequences there.
But, like, I know people, like, there's this guy, a famous pool player.
His name is Alex Pagulian.
World-class pool player.
Famously will win tournaments or win, like, a big match and then flip a coin
for the money.
So he wins.
Like, he plays pool for hours and hours and hours, days at a time.
He'll win $10,000, $20,000.
And then someone will say, I'll flip you for the 20.
And he's like, okay, let's do it.
And they flip, and he calls heads and lands on tails.
He loses everything.
So everything that went into it was work and earned.
Now I want to defer to luck.
Yeah, there was a real problem with pool players when they would have pool
tournaments and casinos because these guys would win the money and they'd go
straight to the casino and lose the money.
Like, they were just gambling addicts because a lot of pool players, the way
they make money is they get a backer.
So, like, a backer would be like, you, you got some money, and you say, like,
hey, let's gamble.
I'll give you, you know, X amount of money, and I'll go with you, and you'll
play somebody for the money.
So, like, you would put up the $5,000, and then another person on the other
side would put up the other $5,000, and you'd play.
And that's how a lot of pool players make money is gambling.
Gambling is, there's not a lot of money in professional pool, so a lot of the
pool players wind up being what we call a road player.
You know what I like about that is I am better at whatever I'm doing if I know
someone else will lose something if I fail.
So, like, playing sports growing up, it was always, like, I was very good at
shooting free throws because it was always, if you miss this free throw, your
whole team runs suicides.
That's interesting.
Which is, like, when I, when I, when it's just between me and me, I'm like, ah,
it's fine.
But if I know you're going to lose something, I do very well with that kind of
pressure, knowing I'll disappoint someone or they'll have to suffer in some way
if I fail.
That makes sense.
Yeah, that also makes sense considering your childhood, you know, that you,
like, that having some, like, having the support of others is very important to
you.
Yes.
Yeah.
Having, um, chosen family and by support, you know, I think that as I get older,
you know, as we all do, I, like, redefining what friend means, what family
means, but also, like, it doesn't mean everyday support.
I don't even talk to someone on the phone every day.
Some of my closest friends I see them once a month and we text, you know, there's,
they're just, I think it's more about feeling like there's people around me
that share my reality, that see the same things I see.
Because we're in a place where it's, like, sometimes people that you love and
trust and respect, they're, like, brainwashed by something and you're, like,
how, where, you know, just people that share your reality, which I think is
being able to corroborate your reality.
Because I think when you grow up in a, you know, whether alcoholic home,
chaotic home, everyone has, you question your own sanity a lot because everyone
tells you calm down, you're not seeing what you're seeing, relax, you're being
dramatic.
You know, the narcissist and the borderlines need to make you dramatic and
overly sensitive in order to justify their behavior or exonerate themselves
from guilt, whatever it is.
So I think that's what we do on stage, too.
We go out and we go, like, this is, and everyone's, like, yes, we have that,
too.
We think that also.
You're right.
That's true.
You know?
So I think that feeling of, like, okay, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm not
imagining that, is sort of a very anesthesia, anesthetic.
And how does that relate to gambling?
How'd you get there?
That's a great question.
Having me on your show is always a gamble?
You went to the support of others because I said that I get why the free throw
would be so important for you to make because of the support of others.
The people financing the pool.
Yeah.
The pool players.
Like, if I let someone down, I'll be better.
Got it.
Yeah.
But a lot of pool players are not like that, unfortunately.
They're the opposite.
What it would be is, like, usually, like, some guy owns, like, a tire company
or something like that, and he wants a thrill.
And so he'll take some guy on the road with him, and oftentimes they'll dump.
They'll make a deal.
Like, the pool player will make a deal with the other guy and say, listen, I'll
lose.
You know, you give me X amount of dollars, and we'll split the money.
That way you don't have to worry about whether or not you're going to win or
going to lose.
You're definitely going to win.
What's the most money you can make as a pool player?
Well, people have played pool for a million dollars.
One game?
No.
They usually play a set.
Wow.
Yeah.
There's been a lot of poker players who play reasonably well, like, not, like,
professional level, and they'll get, like, a giant handicap to play a pool
player.
Like, a handicap would be, like, do you know what nine ball is?
Do you know how nine ball works?
Nine ball's a rotational game.
It means, like, you play one through nine.
You make the nine ball in, and you win.
But, say, if you played and I played, and you didn't play that good, I could
say,
I will give you the five out.
That means I have to run all the balls, and I have to make the nine ball to win,
but you can make the five ball to win, the six ball to win, the seven ball to
win, the eight ball to win, or the nine ball.
So, you have all these opportunities to win.
So, all you have to do is make a ball on the break and get all the balls in up
to the five ball, and you win.
I have to make all the balls and the nine ball much, much harder.
So, that would be a way that you would get a poker player to play with you.
Like, say, if I was a professional, and I had some guy who was a poker player,
and, you know, he wanted to gamble, and he's like, make a fair game.
And I'd say, okay, I'll give you the five out and the breaks, which means you
get to break every game, and you only have to make the five, or the six, the
seven, or the eight, and the nine.
You know, you can make any of them, and you win.
Like, you have all these winning balls, where I only have one winning ball.
My ball is the nine ball.
You know what I had not played before, and I was, Tim Dillon rented a place in
Malibu, and we went out there, and there was a giant chess game.
Like, it was more sort of for decoration, like, huge, like, the size of this
table, a big, with chess pieces this big, and we played chess.
It was so fun.
Chess is fun.
Yeah.
It was, like, 45 minutes passed, and it had been, like, it was five minutes,
and I am currently trying to take on new hobbies.
And chess is your new hobby?
Well, no, I'm just, like, auditioning new hobbies, instead of the fucking, just
scrolling the fucking screen all day, and just, you know, getting dumber, and
by the minute.
Just things that are mind-challenging, but fun, and...
Chess is right up there.
Well, one of the great things about chess is, there's a lot of programs you can
play on your phone, where it'll tell you what the right move is.
So you could ask it what the right move is, or you could just try it.
Like, it'll give you, like, there's learning and tutorial modes, and you can
try different moves and strategies.
But chess is insanely and infinitely complex.
It's, it really, I think, also, you know, I think it's important to know your
mind.
I know that sounds a little crazy, but don't spend too much time in it, but
know it.
Like, know what depletes you, know what energizes you, know if you're a
reckless person, know if you're the kind of person that, you know, chickens out
at the last minute, or questions yourself, whatever it is, you know?
And it helped me sort of illuminate a couple things about my own brain, where I
was like, oh, I didn't trust my gut on that.
I just overthought it.
Have you seen The Queen's Gambit?
No, I'm dying to see it.
It's a great show.
It's a great show, and it's actually a show that was written, the original book
was written by Walter Tevis.
Walter Tevis is the guy who wrote The Hustler, which is that famous movie with
Jackie Gleason and Paul Newman about a pool hustler.
So he's been writing about, like, people that are awesome at games.
What was the other chess movie?
Fisher, Bobby Fisher?
Yeah, Searching for Bobby Fisher.
Yeah.
Are there, I was thinking about this last night when I was watching Top Gun, is,
are there certain video games that make you better in real life at things at
this point?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah.
Like chess, pool, is there one, like, you could actually practice?
On a video game or practice on a phone?
And that translates to skill in real life?
No.
Not, like, physical games like pool?
No.
Maybe chess.
I think chess does.
But because chess in physical form, like moving pieces, is no different than
chess with a video game.
Yeah.
It's the same thing.
It's just moving the piece.
Yeah, you're just learning to play things out.
Yeah, you're just trying, you're just learning how the pieces move.
And, I mean, I'm sure there's intimidation by being across the plate.
Like, if you were really good and I was playing you, I'd be intimidated maybe,
I'd fuck up because I'd be nervous.
But pool is a game of execution.
That's why it's so intriguing to me.
Right.
Because it's not just a game of knowing what to do, it's a game of being able
to control your nerves.
That's what I love.
That's why I love archery and bow hunting.
That's why I love martial arts.
I love when the shit goes down.
Yep.
That's what I like.
I like when shit gets crazy.
I like when people get nervous.
That's where I excel.
Me too.
I excel where people get panicky.
I enjoy those things.
I enjoy a little chaos.
And can I ask you a question?
Do you think that's nature, nurture, or a healthy addiction?
Well, it's definitely some kind of an addiction for me.
But it's also a medication.
It's like that is how I work out problems in, like, to be able to do that in
real life is, like, if you have, like, problems, like, pool problems or archery
problems, like, there's a lot of tension, a lot of nerves, like, what do you do?
You're robbing banks?
Like, where are you getting those thrills from?
So, for me, I get my thrills out of doing things that are just difficult.
And, like, things that require execution, like a pool game or archery in
particular, is one of the best because, especially on, like, a long shot, you
can't fuck anything up.
Like, all of your technique has to be perfect.
You have to be relaxed.
You have to control your breath.
And then when you release the shot, when the arrow goes, just any little twitch,
any little, uh, uh, uh, any little thing that you do with your hand might make
it shoot three feet to the left, four feet to the right.
Like, you could just, you could just, you could twitch your arm and you're
missed by seven inches.
But if you keep it clear, keep your mind clear, keep your breath in control,
keep your technique perfect, when that arrow releases and finds its way right
into the center of the target, it's, like, one of the most satisfying things in
life.
It's kind of like, I know it's not, but it is, like, upper body ballet, in a
way, because it's, like, it's, like, I was, because I had that bit in the
special about ballerinas.
And I, like, make fun of ballet, and I've been getting all these messages from
ballerinas, and, like, I, like, I obviously respect the art form, but it is,
like, they, they have to be so strong that they don't even shake.
Right.
You know?
It's just, like, a level of strength that is, like, otherworldly, you know?
Incredible composure, physical composure.
And then, are you, do you, I have tricky shoulders, and I've started, tricky
shoulders.
How are they tricky?
It's my next special.
So, um, they just are, like, I broke my right one, and, um, I just, I've been
doing this stretch.
Is this good for you or bad for you?
That, like.
It's good for you.
Yeah, a couple times, because don't, if you're in a new archery, don't you have
to really take care of your shoulders?
Sure.
I feel like we really ignore our shoulders.
I definitely don't ignore my shoulders.
I do a lot of shoulder work.
Yeah.
I do a lot of club bells.
You know what club bells are?
It's, like, an iron club, and I do what's called shield casting, where I put
the clubs in front of me, and I go like this.
So, I'm controlling, like, this.
Generally, they're about, they're not heavy.
They're, like, 15 pounds or maybe 25 pounds, I'll use.
And, um, it's, like, the weight is all on the end, so it's, like, this kind of
balancing thing I'm doing, and I'm swinging it around like this, and then
putting it in front.
So, it's all of this controlled movement, and then I'll do, there it goes.
So, that guy's doing it right there.
Club bell action.
Let's see if you can find a video.
Oh, I would not even have.
Let's see if you can find a video of someone doing club bells.
There's a bunch of videos that Onnit put out that are really excellent.
You know, we have our own club bells at Onnit.
But, so, there you go.
There's the Onnit steel club.
That's my boy, John Wolf.
And so, you can see him doing a bunch of different exercises.
But for archery in particular, the club bell is a really good tool for exercise
because it, see, like, what he's doing there?
Like, keeping your shoulders straight.
Like, that is, you want strength in this position.
So, if you're shooting, especially like your arm that's holding the bow, you
don't want it to be fatiguing and dropping, and then you're struggling and it's
shaking.
You want, you want real strength.
And then you want to be able to relax because you don't want to tense your
shoulder up.
One of the things about archery is any tension that you have could result in a
twitch one way or another.
And any kind of little twitch, when you're shooting at 95 yards, I practice at
95 yards.
So, when I'm shooting, I wouldn't shoot an animal at 95 yards, but that's what
I practice at.
So, if I see an animal at 40 yards, it's a slam dunk.
And when you're doing that, you actually want your shoulder to be relaxed.
Like, before I shoot, like, if it's an important shot, I go like this.
I let all my tension out, and then I'll draw back.
And then, once I'm at full draw, I relax my shoulder.
I relax.
But I have enough strength that I can hold it in this position, and it's easy.
So, I can, I don't have any tension in my shoulder.
This is probably a very stupid question.
Are you allowed to just walk around with a bow?
Like, get in the street?
Yeah.
Like, if you were just walking down, went to the proper hotel.
The cops would probably pull you over.
They'd be like, you can't.
It's a weapon.
It depends on what you have in the bow.
If you just have a bow, yeah.
It's not going to do anything without an arrow.
You'd have to have arrows.
But if you had a bow and an arrow.
But if it was, like, Halloween, and I had a bow, like, if I don't know how to
use it, it's not a weapon, I guess.
I think Halloween, you could get away with it.
Yeah.
I think it's probably a gray area.
But it would depend on whether or not you had an arrow and whether or not the
arrow was knocked, meaning it's on the string.
If the arrow was on the string, all you'd have to do is pull it back and
release it, and you could shoot somebody.
And do you put something on the tip of the arrow?
Or did I make that up?
Yeah, it's called a broadhead.
No, but I mean, like, poison or something?
No, no, no.
But indigenous cultures do.
Did that, right?
Yeah.
No, they still do.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
There's people in South America, and that's one of the ways that they hunt
monkeys.
They use a neurotoxin.
They use some sort of poison on the tip of their arrows, and that's how they
get a lot of their animals.
Speaking of, I was freaking Tim Dillon again.
I did a show up in the Hamptons, and Tim got a place there, and I got a tick on
my pussy.
Ooh, ticks are bad.
Okay, so why are we all just fine with this?
It was, I had, because in Virginia, West Virginia, where I grew up, you pull
the tick off, you burn it, you bite the head off, you get rid of the head, it's
fine.
I got a tick on me in the Hamptons, and I just, like, sent a picture to someone
or put it on Instagram or something, and I was, like, laughing about it.
Everyone was like, you need to get the tick, put it in a bag.
Yeah, Lyme disease.
I had to go on doxycycline, 200 milligrams for three weeks.
Oh, so it was infected with Lyme disease.
They were like, you have to take this regardless.
You should regardless.
It's that bad.
Lyme disease is so bad.
It's so bad, and it's so, it can become chronic and haunt you for the rest of
your life, and you have a very small window of opportunity to take care of it
right after you get bit.
So I thought Lyme disease was just for celebrities to post about when their
movies were bombing.
You know when you're, like, a celebrity, like, I have Lyme disease, you're like,
okay, like, we get it, you go to the Hamptons.
Like, I just didn't know anyone, and now that I went through it, people are
like, oh, yeah, for 10, Greg Fitzsimmons, his, I think, mom was on a drip of
antibiotics for, like, 10 years.
Like, it's, and people are like, it destroys your brain and your neurological
problems, and then, of course, my comedian brain is like, wait a second, like,
all the most powerful rich people in the world vacation in the Hamptons.
Like, is there a case to be made that they all have neurological damage?
Well, the kind of neurological damage that you get from Lyme disease is very
scary.
Because Lyme disease is actually connected to, what is it called, Meniere's
disease?
What is that disease?
What is that called?
Is that what it's called, Jamie?
Not Graves.
We've talked about it before.
Is that right?
No, what is it called?
There's a disease where people think that they have fibers growing out of their
skin, and they lose their mind.
Morgellons.
Morgellons.
Morgellons.
That's it.
Morgellons.
So, one of the episodes of Joe Rogan questions everything, that old sci-fi show
that I had, one of the episodes of that, we dealt with Morgellons, because a
lot of people think Morgellons is bullshit.
That it's not a disease at all.
That it's fake.
It's like some sort of, you know, some neurological disorder.
Like, people believe that they have fibers growing out of them, but it's really
like carpet fibers that they light around on, and they scratch themselves.
Well, it turns out that most of the people, well, I went to a Morgellons
convention of people that were Morgellons sufferers, and one of the people
there was a doctor.
And the doctor said that one of the things that's interesting about Morgellons
is that most of the people who have it also have Lyme disease.
And that Lyme disease has a neurotoxic element to it that he believes is
causing people to hallucinate.
And so, like, he'll look in the mirror, and he'll see, like, a worm crawling
across the surface of his eye, or he'll see something on his skin that's not
there, and he'll start clawing at it.
And he said, so he believes, and he's a Morgellons sufferer and a Lyme disease
sufferer, and he thinks that the two of them are connected.
He said, because Lyme disease by itself, like, it's not as simple as, you know,
like, oh, it's, you know, it's copper, or it's, you know, lead.
It's a thing that you can know what it is, you isolate it.
He's like, no, when a tick bites you, he goes, there's the stuff that we could
recognize, but there's a host of other pathogens that come along with that and
go for a ride.
And if you test positive for Lyme disease, you might have multiple toxic
elements from this tick in your bloodstream that are fucking with everything,
causing massive inflammation and brain fog and constant pain.
Lupus, I think, kind of comes from it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Arthritis exacerbates it.
Yep, yep, yep.
Is that, it's just wild to me that it's just accepted that people bring their
kids to the Hamptons and they just get, like.
It's not just the Hamptons, it's all over the East Coast.
Connecticut.
Jersey.
Oh, wow.
Everywhere.
Yeah, it started in Lyme, I think it was recognized first in Lyme, Connecticut.
That's why it's called Lyme disease.
That makes sense.
And is it, because in Virginia, we never, I mean, maybe we just all just got it
and no one gave a shit, but it was never thought of.
Ticks were just, you pulled them off and that was it.
Right.
That's how it was when we were kids.
It was, there's some wacky theory, some conspiracy theory that it was some sort
of a bioweapon that accidentally got released or some experimental biological
warfare agent that got released.
That was like a big theory about, I think we've researched that on the podcast
as much as we actually research things.
Duck, duck, go, Jamie.
Yeah, and we found something about it, but it was, like, unclear.
That's just, I'm just fascinated.
You know, I was obsessed for the longest time about the hookworm epidemic in
the South.
That is wild.
Wild.
Tell people that don't know, that never heard us talk about that, because it's
so fucking crazy.
It's so crazy, because I think I always like to look for excuses for people's
bad behavior.
I think it's something that my brain likes to do to just feel better or, you
know, forgive people or give them a pass, or maybe it's just comedian brain
trying to look at the other thing.
But in the early 1900s, the hookworm epidemic in the South was so brutal.
Jamie, please debunk whatever I'm saying, if it's incorrect.
And people went around with bare feet, and hookworms went into their feet, and
they eat your brain.
So there was the stereotype that Southerners were dumb, they were slow, they
actually just were infected with hookworms.
Was it Rockefeller that set up the program to develop an inoculation against
her, some kind of treatment?
I don't remember.
But just the stereotype that Southerners are dumb really comes out of hookworm
infections.
Hookworm infections.
I mean, it was an extraordinary number of people that were infected with hookworms
up until, like, you know, the 20th century.
Yeah, it was Rockefeller.
Rockefeller Sanitary Commission for the Eradication of Hookworm Disease.
Yeah.
So in 1909, Rockefeller donated $1 million, which is, like, probably $100
million today.
What was the percentage of people that were infected with hookworms?
I want to say it was somewhere over 40%.
That's insane.
Yeah.
It was really nuts.
Insane.
So that drives me kind of nuts when people are shitty about Southerners.
Like, they're slow.
Well, that's where it came from.
That's where it comes from.
Yeah, most people don't know.
But that's really, hookworms once sapped the American South of its health, yet
very few realize
they continue to affect millions.
Okay.
I can't move forward with that information.
They're still around?
Yeah.
Have you ever had a ringworm?
Yeah, I've had ringworm.
Do you know what it's from?
From jiu-jitsu.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I've had ringworm, staph.
I've had both those things.
Because when I had the tick bite, everyone kept asking, does it have a circle
around it?
Right.
Which is what happens with ticks.
It almost looks like a target.
Mm-hmm.
Where you have, like, the bite.
It's on my pussy, which is very...
Danger zone.
Highway to the danger zone.
Speaking of Top Gun.
I thought you were going to go, highway to hell.
Can I tell you, watching Top Gun, I mean, my nipples were hard.
My eyes were wet.
Wow.
It was, I just, I don't know, I have family that was, you know, served, and it
felt like
a love letter to...
The military.
The military.
Well, I'm down for that.
It was kind of a love letter to male friendship, which, it kind of was a love
story between two
men, in a way, you know?
So we were talking before the podcast started about Val Kilmer, and someone
said that Val
Kilmer was a Christian scientist?
Is that real?
Val Kilmer looks like me in a couple years.
No.
Shut up.
Will you please start?
Will you please pull up a picture of me?
Can we just, he...
He looks like, uh, like, Texas Chainsaw Massacre when the guy put the face on.
Remember when he was wearing other people's skin?
Yes, I do.
He looks good there.
Well, look at him in the movie.
Val Kilmer explains why he got chemo for his cancer, despite it being against
his religious
beliefs.
Oh, okay.
So, yeah.
So, what is his religious belief?
Christian science, faith?
God damn it.
He's only 60.
God damn it.
He does not look...
Right.
He looks 60, and Tom Cruise is 60.
Tom Cruise looks like he's fucking younger than me, that little cunt.
Yeah, that...
Meanwhile, he's right!
Do you know that Tom Cruise was correct about fucking...
When he was on Matt Lauer, and he was like, Matt, you're being glib.
It's not about...
There's no chemical imbalance.
These psychiatric medications that they give him people are dangerous.
He was fucking correct.
Yeah, but also, I think we could all agree Matt Lauer is glib all the time.
Even when...
Yes.
He always was glib.
He was glib.
Can you pull up Val Kilmer in the movie?
Yeah, I mean, it's...
I feel like, yeah, that Scientology thing is all about, like, no psych...
I mean, John Travolta has a kid, sorry, this is gonna get me so in trouble,
fine, whatever,
Um, who's dead?
Because they wouldn't give him seizure medication, right?
No, well, that's different than...
Scientology is different than what you're talking about.
Val Kilmer is a Christian scientist.
Oh, right.
Christian scientists, they don't believe in, like, any kind of medical
treatment.
They're like, Jesus, gonna take care of everything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know how a guy as fucking talented and smart as Val Kilmer got sucked
into that shit,
but before he got chemo and had his cancer treated, you know, he was not doing
anything because of his religious belief.
Him in fucking Tombstone, to this day, that is one of my favorite ever
performances.
Willow.
Him in the cage in Willow?
I never watched Willow.
What?
Willow?
Grown man.
Back in the day...
Okay, Jamie, is Willow a girl movie?
Not at all.
It's a bunch of guys fighting midgets.
I thought they were fairies.
I was a kid.
I thought they were fairies.
Look, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not like, it's, um, it's like, uh...
Is Tom Cruise in Willow?
Medieval.
No, it's like the dingo ain't your baby.
Right?
Yeah.
Look, this little guy.
Look at him.
Right there.
The guy from...
Oh, I definitely never saw that piece of shit.
Princess Bride.
Remember?
For a while, that dwarf for a while and Andre the Giant were in every movie.
Really?
Like, Hollywood was just like, we want the giant and the little guy.
I must have taken time off the movies.
They're bringing this back, too, by the way.
They're bringing Willow back?
Starring...
Who's playing him?
Same guy.
Peter Dinklage?
Warwick Davis is his name.
This guy.
Okay, sure.
So, but I...
I never saw Willow.
That's weird.
Yeah, maybe it's not a...
But I saw Tombstone about 30 times.
Have you seen Labyrinth?
I think I did.
Back in the day?
Because Jennifer Connelly is in Top Gun and she is giving big, big, like, hotness
energy.
Hotness energy?
Was she not like a crush of yours?
No, not of mine.
Who was your, like, when you were like a teenager, who was your, like...
Madonna.
Ooh, what phase was she in?
The material girl phase, I think.
No, the, like, a virgin phase.
Well, it was because she was more...
Oh, look at that.
That's Jennifer Connelly?
Yes.
Ooh, is she 12?
She was...
That's creepy.
Literally 16 and he was like...
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
But, I mean, it was a different time.
David Bowie.
I loved it.
That was, like, my...
The first time I felt any sexual feelings was when I watched this movie.
Because David Bowie was...
Click on that troll picture.
What is that thing?
Oh, that's Ludo.
My new dog is named Ludo after him.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
He's the...
He calls the rocks.
These are all the family that...
Boy, I don't remember this movie at all.
Oh, dude.
Smoke a joint and watch Labyrinth, dude.
I got other things to do.
It's so good, dude.
The Goblin King?
Yeah.
Really?
It's...
Like, ask Duncan.
I have been hearing very disturbing reports about the new Game of Thrones.
That they're going woke.
The spinoff.
I hear there's a lot of wokeness.
That before...
They're like, may I rape you?
May I do...
May I rip this corset off?
I mean, maybe I read about it online from people that are just clickbaiting.
I'm nervous about it.
I'm nervous about the new J.R.R. Tolkien, too.
Okay.
That they're doing a thing for Amazon.
I just think any big production now, it's like wokeness has permeated so deeply
into the ethos of Hollywood.
I can't imagine they would do something like the 2011 version of Game of
Thrones, which is like pretty wild.
You know what I think?
I think that...
I think they're smart enough to just tell a great story.
What?
The fuck did you just say?
You don't think?
The Game of Thrones guys?
I don't think it matters.
I think if the television producers and executives have any fucking say, and
which they will, and then the actors have any say, which they will, they'll
fuck it up.
I think it's like comedy movies.
When was the last time you saw a good, wild, like, Tropic Thunder comedy movie?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They can't make them anymore.
Yeah, that is very hard to get done.
Although, I feel like, did anyone see the Eric Andre movie with Tiffany Haddish
in it?
No.
It was more like a prank movie.
Like, jackass is what I would say, was the last, really laugh out loud, but
that's not a scripted movie.
Yeah, what I'm talking about is like scripted movies.
They don't make them anymore.
But I also think that that has changed for a litany of reasons.
Like, it used to be you'd have, like, three or four comedy movies come out a
year, and you'd hear all these, like, killer jokes.
Now, in one day, you see more funny memes, funny tweets than ten years ago you
would ever see, you know?
So, by the time a movie comes out, it takes eight months.
By the time you write it, shoot it, film it, like, all those jokes eight months
ago are going to, everyone will have gotten them already on the internet.
Oh, I don't know about that.
I don't think that's true.
Because if you watch Tropic Thunder today, it's fucking hilarious.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
It's like, what I'm saying is the genre of wild, funny movies has been killed
by wokeness.
Was the last one The Hangover?
Probably.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I mean, probably.
Mm-hmm.
And I think that there's a, you know, I feel like there's just so much guilt
and fear in Hollywood.
And it's funny, because people are like, is Hollywood creepy?
I'm like, you mean the business that was built on the back of a five-year-old
named Shirley Temple?
Like, have you watched Shirley Temple movies lately?
No.
Of course not.
But I went back during the pandemic and I watched it.
But, like, she's five.
She's like in a, like, her, like, she's like, hey, little sailor boy.
Like, it's wild, dude.
There's a video called Baby Burlesque.
And it's her in, like, diapers, topless.
I mean, she's a kid, you know?
And two boys in there, like, doing, like, little, like, dances in a saloon.
Like, they're, have you seen Shirley Temple in blackface?
No.
We all owe her an apology.
This is a baby in blackface.
Like, it's wild.
There's so many crazy things that happen.
And now I feel like Hollywood is just overcorrecting, trying to be like, yeah,
we didn't, you know.
Well, they don't even remember that.
I just feel like, in general, everyone's just trying to go, like, I think, okay,
this is the hot take.
I think the people that should make those moves.
What?
I think all the guys that were canceled.
That's Shirley Temple in blackface.
Oh, my God.
Dude, it is up to the waterline on her eye.
1935.
Oh, my God.
The Littlest Rebel.
Dude, that's...
So, did she, was she playing a little black girl?
Yeah, I think she was playing someone that looks like...
Hold on.
Stop scrolling.
Miss Temple even briefly donned blackface herself in The Littlest Rebel.
Shirley Temple dances with two men in blackface, while other actors also in
blackface
look on.
Wow.
Everybody in that has it.
That's brutal.
Can you look up good ship lollipop?
This is...
Hold on.
Stop.
Put that picture back.
That picture is fucking wild.
Look at that audience.
That is crazy.
And what year is this?
35.
Oh, my God.
Horrifying.
It's so wild.
Yeah, horrifying.
Look at the gloves and everything.
Like, so strange.
Why was she a movie star?
Who looked at a five-year-old and was like, you really got what it takes?
Right.
Why did they choose a child to be a movie star?
She's a kid.
Bill Bojangles Robinson and Shirley Temple in The Littlest Colonel, 1935, in
the famous
staircase dance scene.
What the fuck, man?
Let's watch a clip because I am not familiar with Shirley Temple movies.
I do deep dives on this because it's this weird thing nobody talks about.
She was famous at five.
In every movie she's in, there's no mom.
There's no...
It's just her entertaining a bunch of men, like at war or on a boat.
That's the...
That's...
Wait.
Baby Burlesque.
War Babies.
Baby Burlesque.
Baby Burlesque.
Let's see War Babies.
Give me some volume on this.
Jesus Christ.
1932.
Her first speaking role.
Look at this baby.
This is so strange.
Why is her half off her shoulder?
Yeah, look.
He's winking at her.
Yeah.
She's dancing with a diaper on.
Probably don't talk.
It says speaking role.
Wait, what's that in the background?
It looked like a crop was pushing her towards one direction.
There's a little cane sticking in there.
Yeah.
They prodded her.
Yeah.
It's like a...
Get over there, bitch.
Cattle prod.
Yeah.
That is what it is.
Look.
Is that what it is?
Yes.
Yes.
That's exactly what it is.
It's someone with a stick.
Get over there.
Trying to cajole her.
Oh, wow.
She's wearing a diaper.
I mean, this is a tiny little kid.
Why are we looking at her butt?
Why?
Why is it even facing the camera?
Oh, someone's pissing in this baby's mouth.
That is milk.
That is milk.
That looks...
That's crazy.
That's like on the knees, doggy style.
Yeah.
This is wild.
The other kid just had clothes on, and it doesn't...
Oh, boy.
What is that?
I bet they paid him well.
And then he takes his clothes on, and then he takes his clothes off.
Yeah, look.
And everyone's watching him dance.
Maybe she talks to her.
What the fuck?
Watch, watch, watch.
Oh, that boy's sad.
Watch, though.
Because she hugged the other boy.
Oh, so he steals from her.
Her lollipop.
Look, he's kissing.
She's kissing him.
Watch.
She's such a dumb whore.
All she needs is sugar, and I'll kiss you.
Yeah.
And then he hugs her.
That was easy.
What's he doing?
What is he sucking on a dick?
Why is he sucking on a...
Jesus!
What is happening here?
That he's sucking on the finger of a glove, and it's hanging.
Epstein Productions.
Oh!
That looked like a real fall.
Oh, that was a real fall.
No one cared.
No one cared.
That kid got cut up by that glass.
What?
What was Shirley Temple's last days of life like?
How depressing was that?
Because she was famous when she was young, and she was not famous at all.
Look at her kissing a boy while she's hugging another boy.
He just said, you'd be good till I get back.
How old is she here?
What, five?
She's a floozy.
Look.
She is.
She kissed that boy, and he snuck away.
Women were all sluts back then.
That's what they're trying to say.
Can you look at Good Ship Lollipop?
This is the one that...
Because it's a lot of her at war with men, and I don't know who her parents are.
Right.
This one's wild because at the end, they give her a lollipop, and it hits her
hair.
Oh, here it is.
This is the Candyland Hour for all good children.
The orchestra will play our theme song.
You know that song, don't you?
Sure I do.
Well, then sing it.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's sing it.
Why does her dress have to be that short?
Yeah, it's so short.
You're on a plane.
This is our entertainment.
I've thrown away my toys, even my drum and train.
I want to make some noise.
When real life everyone plays
Someday I'm going to fly
I'll be a pilot too
And when I do
How would you like to be my crew?
Not a woman inside
I'm a good ship
Lollipop
It's weak
Because I watch it constantly
Look how little her skirt is
Oh no
And it
Watch when she sits on a man's lap
This is so weird
It's nuts
Not like a stewardess
Not one foster mom
Babysitter
Is that supposed to be a plane?
And why is it so low?
What is going on in the background?
She's always like the only girl on a plane or a ship
But what is that supposed to be?
Is it supposed to be a train?
It looks like a train
It must be, right?
You've got to watch the end of it
It's
She's pulling her skirt up
Yep
Lollipop
It's a night trip
Into bed
You hop
And dream lonely
What the fuck?
Why?
On the good ship
Lollipop
What?
On the good ship
Now he's passing her around
It's a gangbang
It's a sweet trip
To a candy shop
Where's the mom?
And she
Watch this
Watch this
On the sunny beach
Peppermint Bay
Why do we have to do a cum shot
On Shirley Temple?
Was that coke or a cum shot?
I thought it was coke
It's on her nose
It was like
Jack
They did a lot of coke back then
Could be that
Happy landing on the chocolate bar
Okay
What the fuck
They just shitting her
They came on her
And then they shit on her
Cleveland steamer
On Shirley Temple
I don't like it
And another one
Does his hand need to be there?
No she goes
She's sick
Why's she frowning now?
She's gonna get tired
She's sugar crashing
Yeah
She's got a tummy ache
With a tummy ache
On the good ship
She's drugged
They drugged us
They drugged us
All the men are getting excited
Imagine grown men
Being remotely interested in this
Everyone in this video
Should go to jail
Or they'll be all dead
But what a strange
Someone
They scared her
She's a child though
Boy what they thought
Was entertaining back then
Is so
Now see if you can find
Shirley Temple
In her later years
Find a video of Shirley Temple
On like the Carson show
Or some shit
When she was 80
People say she was like
Oddly normal
But I think she took
A lot of time off
I did
I thought you were gonna say Prozac
Oh probably
Probably a lot of something
Valium
I was
I was re-watching this
Hedy Lamarr documentary
Are you a Hedy Lamarr?
She
The reason I sort of got into her
Is Mitzi Shore
Used to call me Hedy Lamarr
Oh really?
Mm-hmm
So when I
Do you know Hedy Lamarr
Invented Wi-Fi?
Crazy
Yeah
But she
She was in my act
Yes
Yeah
Your last hour
Yeah
Yes
With the vegan cap
With the inventors
Yeah
Yes
And
Is that Shirley Temple?
Mm-hmm
Let me hear
And
But I'm pleased with the results
This is on all your own
You didn't collaborate with anyone?
No
No ghost
And very candid
Open
Yeah
Was that hard?
Yeah
It's embarrassing
Some of the things
Are kind of embarrassing
But if you do an autobiography
You have to tell it like it was
There have been about
Twelve biographies written about me
And one of them
Who
Kind of a recent one
I'm told
Has 526 factual errors
So the main thing
I wanted
The main reason
I wanted to write
I just want to know
I did not apply the blackface myself
So it's warped on
Justin Trudeau helped me
Okay
Like when we showed the opening
Yeah
The little Shirley Temple dance
How do you look at that?
I was there
I remember it
You remember her
Oh yeah vividly
We don't remember
When we were 5 years old
I don't remember
You know what
Larry
I remember when I was 10 months old
Okay
She's crazy
We lost her
We lost her
So close
And she was the most
Is that the oldest version of her
That you can get?
There's one other video
I said it's in her last interview
She's on a red carpet
What is that?
Look down
Why is she holding that man's
She's holding that man's face
Yeah
What's the other one
The last interview
On the route
Click on that
I love E.T.
Oh my god
Okay
Okay
You just made my night
Good
You just made my night
Because you know what
We love you
You know what
It's cold down here
It is a little
I'm getting a little goose bumpy
Oh my gosh
You were smart
Because you have the jacket
I have a jacket
Yep
It's beautiful
Thank you very much
Great small talk guys
Thank you son Charles
How old was she when she died
Tonight
She is dead right
Yeah
Another video I hear
It says zero to 77 years old
So she died when she was 77
2014
Just after her
Oh wow
Because I know Betty Page
When she didn't want anyone to take photos of her
After she was like 30 or something
And she's
There's nothing
You can't find anything of her after that right
And then I looked up Hedy Lamarr
Because Hedy Lamarr
In addition to all the stuff you talked about
I'm sure you know
She experimented with plastic surgery on herself
Like she would talk to doctors
And be like
Well if you put this in here
So
Oh no
Yeah so there's some videos
And photos of her later
Do you know that's Leah Lamarr's like grandchild
Or some shit
Are you serious?
Yeah Leah Lamarr is related to Hedy Lamarr
She came up to me and talked to me about it
Because she had heard my bit
About Hedy Lamarr inventing wifi
I was with her three nights ago
At the outdoor show in LA
And someone said
You're bringing up Leah Lamarr
And I was like wait a second
It's two R's
Like there's no way she's
Right
Related to Hedy
She's related to Hedy
Yeah
That's crazy
And honestly I see it
Yeah
She's got that beautiful
Yeah
Like porcelain skin
Oh yeah
Wow
You totally could see it
Now find Leah Lamarr
Yeah she's really funny
Yeah
But um
That's so interesting
Now watch
Bam
I mean I see it
Yeah
I definitely see it
I
She doesn't talk about it in her act
Or at least I haven't seen her talk about it
There's no comparisons are there
Yeah there's one
Well no
That's pretty
It's her
I'm sorry her niece
Did you say
I don't remember
I wish I could remember
But she's 100% related to Hedy Lamarr
That's bonkers
Yeah
Well there's not a ton of money
Because she didn't get any credit
For the
What she invented
No she got robbed
She got robbed
Majorly robbed
Yeah
But
That's what
It was only one of multiple inventions
From Hedy Lamarr
Hedy Lamarr was brilliant
She had something in flight as well right
She helped Howard Hughes
I don't know let's find out what Hedy Lamarr's invention
Radio controlled torpedoes
Yeah
She got
Traffic stoplight
And a tablet that would dissolve in water
To create a carbonated drink
Jesus
Wow
Beverage was unsuccessful
It says
She was a smart lady
And then
She was also arrested for shoplifting
In 1955 Lamarr was arrested in Los Angeles for shoplifting
The charges were eventually dropped
Maybe she was like Winona Ryder
Just doing it for thrills
She was arrested
The same charge in Florida
This time for stealing $21.48 worth of laxatives and eye drops
Maybe she was like I've been robbed so much
Because I invented the internet and I'm broke
I deserve these eye drops
But by this time
So we're talking about
This is the 90s
She's probably really poor
Of course
Yeah
Oh yeah
Calling Hedy Lamarr was released in 2004
There was another one that was more recent
That talked about her contributions to plastic surgery
Like she would sit down with plastic surgeons
And they would try it out on her
So why don't you Google Hedy Lamarr plastic surgery
Uh oh
3.3 million
Oh so she did have money that was left
Hmm
Interesting
That was Lamarr
That's so fascinating
That is so fascinating
And then in terms of
I was thinking about
In Top Gun last night
Do you enjoy flying?
Do you ever want to fly planes?
No
Okay
Me either
I mean I would
I mean
The problem is I would get into it
With me
Anything that I do
I go I don't have the time for that
Yeah
You know I don't
I have to be careful
Because you're 100%
It'll be all consuming
Or it'll be
Yeah
It's like
It's a good thing
If you harness it
Yeah
Like whatever I have
Whatever fucking mental illness I have
Is very good if I can harness it
But I have to be aware of it
I can't just like
Just go around playing golf
I can't I can't do that
I can't play
I can't even play chess
I can't casually play things
So there she was
Oh shoot
I mean
Something weird was going on
I think we haven't seen
Someone age naturally in so long
We don't even know what it looks like
Right
Right
Everybody's all Botoxed up
We don't even have
Fillers
We don't have a point of reference anymore
I don't even think we would know
What normal looks like at this point
Yeah
That's really fascinating
But yeah
Because I know Bill Burr
Bill got really into flying helicopters
Oh yeah
Yeah
He took me up
We flew around
Around downtown LA
What's crazy about helicopters
Is you could kind of fly
Wherever you want
You know
It's like going in the ocean
And swimming
It's not like
You know
If you're on a road
There's very specific roads
Like here's a 405
This is the 10
You gotta go this way
Or that way
When you're on a helicopter
You go wherever the fuck you want
So we were flying around downtown LA
That would spook me out
So you just flying
We were flying like you know
50 yards away from buildings and shit
Just flying around
And one of the things
That was wild about it
Is like you realize
How many of these buildings
Have like a landing spot
On the top of the building
Yeah
I guess that's probably
For emergency vehicles
Or something
No for helicopters
Oh yeah
If there's like a
Some baller
He's like
I wanna fly in on a fucking helicopter
And land on my building
And he lands on his
I don't know who that guy is
This is Harvey
Stuart Soros
Oh this is what I was gonna say
This is how we get good movies
Some good movies
Oh Harvey
This is fucked up
We get all the canceled guys
Oh Tony has a bid on this
Oh does he?
Yeah
And they need to make a super movie?
Yeah
I don't wanna do it
Cause I don't wanna ruin it
But it's
Tony's got a really funny bit about it
A lot of talented people
Are on the bench
And their penance should be
They have to start making movies again for us
And the money goes to whatever cause
Yeah
Cause if like Brett Ratner
Harvey Weinstein
Roman Polanski
Roman Polanski
That's the hard one
How good were his movies?
What was Roman Polanski's finest movies?
He was in some kind of whack movie
With Johnny Depp
In the 2000s
I don't remember
I don't need to fight for Roman Polanski
I don't remember a movie
That like moved me
Wasn't he in Rosemary's
Didn't he direct Rosemary's Baby?
That could be true
Roman Polanski
IMDB
Okay yeah
Frantic with Harrison Ford
Which is really weird
Cause it was an underage girl
Oh he directed Chinatown
Ooh
That's a good fucking movie
That's a great movie
Yeah he did Rosemary's Baby
Click more
Oliver Twist
I don't need that
The Pianist
That's right
That's an amazing movie
Rush Hour
What?
What?
He might have produced it
He might have produced it
They might not have just been directing
Once upon a time in Hollywood
I think it's cause he's associated
Cause he's a character
Oh
Oh
Yeah he didn't
Yeah
Kid stays in the picture
It would have been just for an interview
Yeah
Macbeth
Huh
That may be his biggest one
The Pianist was giant
Well so was Chinatown
Yes
Chinatown Jack Nicholson
Rosemary's Baby was giant too
It's pretty big
It's a pretty big movie
Yeah
Yeah it's um
They just remade it
It was not um successful
The new Rosemary's Baby
They made one really?
Yeah they're trying to like remake a lot of movies
And um
Yeah it's bizarre
But um
Yeah I don't like Woody Allen
I'm the same with it
I'm like
I don't know
I don't
I don't
I didn't
I didn't love his movies
I know everyone else
I loved Danny Hall
And then I was kind of like
This feels like the same movie
Yeah
This kind of feels like an excuse
For you to go to Europe
With Penelope Cruz
And Scarlett Johansson
Like this isn't
There's no story here
Well you know
His movies were
They're an extension
Of his personnel
Which is also like a stand up
If you go listen to a stand up
It's kind of
It's okay
It's kind of funny
It's okay
It's kind of funny
But it's also
If you watched his movies
In 1970
They would be brilliant
I mean they weren't
Movies were different then
Yeah
You know
The culture was different then
People were different then
Our perceptions of things
Were different then
If you watch those movies today
They're like
It's okay
You know
I don't enjoy watching men
Be neurotic
It makes me sick
Yeah
Well that's because
Oh my life is so hard
I'm so scared of everything
You're a strong woman
And you don't like
Neurotic men
Yeah
But there's like
There's a certain
Type of guy
That sort of
Wears that
Jewish neurosis
Like a badge of honor
But what I really
Don't like about it
Is that I feel like
You're trying to make
Yourself seem innocuous
Ah
Because then you're
Going to do shady shit
Like look at me
I'm so harmless
I'm afraid of spiders
And lobsters
Like there's no way
That I would be
Dating my stepdaughter
Right
Like who me
It feels like
You're trying to get
Ahead of something
Well in his case
Duh
Yeah
Yeah
I just like
Yuck
Yeah
Like I just
I never fell under
That spell
Of like Woody Allen
Is the greatest
To ever do anything
But it's also
One of the things
That happens is
A guy becomes
Established
As being a great person
And then that
Becomes the narrative
Like he's great
His movies are great
Oh it's a Woody Allen movie
Woody's amazing
He's amazing
This is what I don't like
I don't like if I disagree
With you I'm dumb
Right
You know what I'm saying
If I'm like
Ah I didn't feel that way
Like I must be
There's
Because I think a lot of people
Start to you know
Put something on a pedestal
As like the paragon
Of great
And then
It just becomes
This cult thing
Of like if you disagree
You're dumb
I remember like
When I first watched
A couple David Lynch movies
I was like
I liked
Like I hadn't
Really gotten in deep enough
But I found that
If you say
Like I didn't really get that
People are like
Oh
I'm like
Did you
You explain to me
What you got
Right
And it falls apart
Very quickly
Like well it's just genius
It's just
It's meta
Like it's just
And I'm like
Well there's a lot of people
Yeah like when someone
Becomes genius
That you're not allowed
To critique it
Yeah it becomes a thing
Or can I just say
I don't get it
Can you explain it to me
And then they can't
And they get
They just think you're dumb
I'm like well you can't
Explain it either
I've been guilty of that too though
Because like
Coen brothers movies
I'm a giant fan
Of the Coen brothers movies
And I've talked to people
That don't like
The Big Lebowski
And I'm like
Well you can eat shit
Well that's a
That's a sick person
Yeah right
See what I'm saying
Well that's a moron
We're fucking hypocrites
Yeah you're sick
We're both hypocrites
Yeah but it's more like
I think No Country for Old Men
Is more the
This is gonna get me
In such hot water
Because you know
The guy that I'm dating
It's his favorite
It is
I find men
It's
No Country for Old Men
Field of Dreams
Rudy
Like there's a couple
Movies you just
As a woman
You just can't
You're not allowed to touch
Really?
Because they're just
So important to men
In a way that maybe
I just wouldn't understand
What?
No Country for Old Men
I'm not sure
I even understand the movie
Like it's so compelling
I love watching it
But my guy
It's like his
Like we can't even talk about it
He gets so angry
If I even
I'm like
But why did he have to have
That haircut
Like I just have questions
Like
Part of the fucking
The greatness of that movie
Is his haircut is so goofy
And he's so fucking terrifying
Yes
It's just like
It's so
The choices are so wild
That
Another Harvey Weinstein
Produced
Yes
The Harvey Weinstein joint
But the Coen brothers
Are just genius
What year was that movie?
2007
Remember he would kill people
With what was it?
It was a cattle thing
That they
Stunner
Drive through cow's brains
And then Tommy
If Tommy Lee Jones
Is in a movie
I've learned to not
Make fun of it
To a guy
Really?
If Tommy Lee Jones
Is in it
It's probably
Like a special movie
Oh he was in
Some horse shit movies
That's true
Tommy Lee Jones
Is in some like
Goofy movie
Where he was an assassin
Someone else was an assassin
He's got to have
A fist fight
It's like
He does the best
When he's the older cop
You know what I mean?
Right
The sensible guy
That's seen it all
Who's like
Ah shit
Yeah
Ah shit
The fugitive
Remember the fugitive?
Yeah
Great movie
He was like just chasing
He does well
When he's chasing someone
But he's not in a rush
Have you watched
The old man
The Jeff Bridges
New series?
No
It's really good
In the beginning
But then
When I'm getting
To like the last episode
I'm like
You guys have a little bit
There's a little too much
Talking going on here
It's a little too involved
And they're trying to work
The script out
Through explaining things
Like people talking
And explaining things
Like exposition
Yeah
I'm like
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
That was
Go back to the editing room
We get it
Yeah
Let's give another run
That feels like a network note
That's what happens
When networks get involved
They're like
Well we need to explain
What's happening
So the audience isn't confused
The thing is
In the beginning
There's none of that
What's really compelling
About the beginning
Of the show
Is that
There's very little of that
And then you're trying
To figure out
What the fuck is happening
And then you realize
Oh my god
This guy is a killer
For the CIA
That has been on the run
For all these years
And you figure it out
While the show is going on
And now he's
You know
This old guy
I think that's good
Let the audience catch up
Yes
They
Somewhere along the line
They decided to start
Explaining things
And it's just
It got to this point
Where you're like
This is like
It's too
Forced
Or like
It's like you feel
Yeah
I don't
No one talks like that
No one is like
Hey
So ever since you've been divorced
I know things have been crazy
Right
You're just like
What?
You know like
God I haven't seen you
In a couple years
How you doing
How you doing post-divorce
I hate when I
I really like something
And then it loses me
Towards the end
I'm like
I know
We came so far together
Yeah
And now I'm on episode 6
And I'm like
What?
That's so disappointing
It's also
There's like
Too many cut to shit scenes
By the time
I'm like
How is this guy
Just roaming around
Like this is
2022
They would have got him
Like this is
For you to tell me
23 and me
Would have got him
It's not just that
It's like
He didn't change his looks
Like
The whole thing is crazy
If you wanted to go
Off the grid right now
Like fake your own death
Whatever
And disappear
Is it
How long could you
Do it
If you had no phone
Could you do it?
Yeah
I could do it
Go AWOL
Yeah
Yeah
But I would need
To go to the mountains
And I would need equipment
For the rest of your life
Or you're going to
Take cash with you
And then just go in
Well it depends on
Where you want to go
Okay
You can go to Alaska
And there's
There's motherfuckers
In Alaska right now
That are off the grid
Forever
And if you
But the thing is
Like you're going to need
Bullets
Yeah
Like if you're going to
Shoot caribou
And that's where
You're going to get your food
You're going to need
Bullets
Probably
Well
You don't need gas
If you can go to a place
Where you can walk around
And you know
You're in the middle
Have you ever seen
Heinmo's Arctic Adventure
There's a
Vice guy to travel
Documentary thing
Like a series thing
On this guy
Who moved to
The Arctic
In
I want to say
The 70s
He got a job up there
And he decided to stay
And he lives
In this small cabin
And he's like
The last
Like sanctioned person
To be able to live there
And when he
Moves out
No one ever
Is allowed to live there again
And he lives a
Completely subsistence
Lifestyle up there
Whoa
Yeah
And so this guy
I mean
During the course
Of this show
And by the way
This was when
Vice was the shit
Okay
This is like
The early days of Vice
When you know
They were
These reporters
That would be embedded
In fucking Afghanistan
And
Crazy
They would do things
And you know
It wasn't like
All woke bullshit
Like it is now
But what this kid does
Is he goes out
And it's like
The perfect looking
Guy for the job
Because it's like
This nerdy looking
New York kid
With glasses
And he goes
To this guy's cabin
In Alaska
And he shows
Like the caribou
That he's got
Hanging from a tree
And you know
While he's there
Bears come
And they try to get him
And he has to
Fucking kill a bear
And then after he kills
The bear
He cuts the bear's head off
And he has to send
The bear to the
Wildlife biologist
So they can
Determine the bear's age
Because when you murder
A grizzly bear up there
You're supposed to do that
Oh really
Yeah so he's got
But it's legal to do that
If it is attacking you
Well he's defending
His life and property
So grizzly
Grizzlies
Black bears are smaller
Grizzlies are
I mean how many pounds
Is that
Jesus Christ
That's the bear
That he had to shoot
Well it depends
Grizzlies
So there's
A grizzly bear
And a brown bear
Are essentially
Wasn't ready for that
Wasn't ready for beheading
Was not ready for that
Did that freak you out?
Um no
I in general
I know
I think that again
Like as I get
You know
Mature in life
I'm trying to just
Know myself better
Instead of
Like I know
If I see
Like a really rough image
It'll just stick with me
And I'll
Replay it in my head
And I like to maybe just
That's
I'm trying to get off
Instagram a little more
Cause in TikTok
Cause you know
Sometimes you'll just
See something
You're just like
At 2 o'clock
You weren't prepared
To see
Whether it's
Just like a horrible
Piece of news
Or like an image
Or you know
I know
Everyone loves
The nature
Loves metal
Nature is metal
I love those too
But sometimes
I'm just like
You know
I go to those
First thing in the morning
I know you
Like
It's so crazy
I have to be like
Okay I'm about to see
Something horrible
First thing in the morning
I want to watch
Two eagles
Kill a coyote
Dude
I'm just saying
I open my phone
It's just like
A chimpanzee ripping
A baby out of a toddler
Like a fucking stroller
I'm like
Jesus guys
Let me just regroup
First thing in the morning
I go to the nature documentaries
And the nature films
That's what I like
Is that how you gotta
Motivate yourself
Like it's a fucking
Doggy dog world out there
No
To motivate
Oh god
Oh Jamie
Lizards are okay
Lizards
I don't
Fuck lizards
I know
But the one where
Is it the monkey
Smashing the seagull
Yes
I love that one
It looks so human
The way he's doing it
Yeah
He's on top of a pole
At the zoo
He caught
He caught a fucking
Bird
Slipping
I get too sad
Because
When
Chimpanzees and monkeys
It looks so human
It is human
I mean it's primate
We're primates
We're monkeys
I go that
It makes me sad
Look at that one
What is it
I can't
It's a leopard
Eating a monkey
And while its baby
Clings on to the carcass
Can we go back to
Shirley Temple
In Blackface please
On the good ship
Lollipop
That is way more disturbing
To me than these
Animal videos
Isn't that shocking
That she was
If you're famous at five
That means at three
They started
Training you
Poor little rich girl
This one's edited
A little bit
But there's a couple
Very strange scenes
Early Hollywood pedophilia
Shirley Temple
In poor little rich girl
Ugh
Why
Wait what
Oh this is a video
Someone made
Come over here
Kick him in the dick
You like these pictures
Wait what
He licks his finger
Why does he do that
Oh jesus
Wait what just happened
Watch he licks his finger
Watch watch this
Are they saying he put his finger
Yes
That's exactly what they're saying
Watch look
He licks his finger
Do you know something
What
I didn't think I was going to like you at first
But I like you now
What
Now that your shrivel ass fingers in my butthole
I'm taking a liking to you
Why did he lick his finger
And then have her sit on his hand
But did you see her expression
She kind of went like
Yeah
What the fuck is that
It's when you think about all the rehearsing
And the training
And the wardrobe fittings
The licking the fingers
Like what the fuck is that about
Bro that is the weirdest thing
I've ever seen in my life
That is so fucking disturbing
In plain sight
That he would lick his finger
And then she sits on his hand
Show that
Don't show that again
He's a thousand years old
Like that was just a movie
Yeah
What the fuck is that
I didn't think I was going to like you
But I like you now
Now I do
After you sit on my lap
I'm going to
But someone trained her
To dance that way
Like there is a baby burlesque
Where she's topless
We saw one where she wasn't
But it's basically
Baby porn
It's like dancing
You know
So it's like
What a dark
Dark shit dude
Dark
That that exists
Hollywood
We need to cancel
Shirley Temple to drink
Now
Let's break this down
Because do you think
This is my take on Hollywood
Has always been
One of the weirdest aspects
About it is
That there's
There's gateways
To you working
Right
Like someone
You have to audition
And you can become a star
Like the Harvey Weinstein thing
You can become a star
Through this guy
And so he's got like
Quentin Tarantino
When he was on the podcast
Was telling me about
This old school director
That had a bedroom
In his office
So he had his office
And in the office
It was a bedroom
Where he would take the starlets
All of them
Like if you were going to be a star
This guy had to fuck you
Apparently Hitchcock
Was pretty nasty
Really
Uh huh
I bet they all were
Yeah
I bet that was the gig
Who was at the
Melanie Griffith's mom
Tippi Hedren
Tippi Hedren
Who now has a tiger sanctuary
By the way
Look up
Have you ever seen
The trailer for the movie
Roar
R-O-A-R
Tippi Hedren
Yeah we were going to do
A little fight companion
That's right
That's right
It's such a bad movie
That we were going to get high
And do
Watch the movie
The entire movie
With comics
And do like a fight companion
With Roar
We probably still should do that
That's genius
That's genius
I downloaded it
And have it saved
Yeah
And I just did
Oh you did
Nice
I just did
Are We Drunk
In New York
And we were like
God
Rogan should be here
And they were like
We already do a show
Like this
Like the Parks
Show
Where you guys sit around
Protect our parks
Yeah
Yeah
We get blasted
Those shows are the most ridiculous
Did you see the last one
Where Ari tried to keep up
With Shane Gillis
I imagine that did not go well
For Ari
He tried to drink
Every beer that Shane drank
Shane put away
17 or 18
18
We'll just say 18
18 beers
In a three and a half hour podcast
He drank 18 beers
And Ari got to
What did he get to
About 15
I think it was 15
And I don't remember
If two of the 15 were mine
Or he had 17
And two of those were mine
So it was either 13 or 15
It's either 13 or 15
And then he's throwing up
At a cooler
And he's blacked out
Amazing
He fell asleep on the floor
We had to get
The manager to come in
Every like
Half hour or so
Just to check on him
Make sure he's still alive
Because he was conked out
Right below where you're sitting
And the only reason
Why he didn't throw up
All over the floor
And ruin the whole place
Is because we got him a cooler
So he threw up
Into a cooler
Question
Hmm
Okay so the thing about Hollywood
Right
I
Yes there's all these
We'll get into all the nitty gritty
But you know
James Corden is leaving
Or whatever
Curious
Do you think there's ever a version
Ever ever ever
Because it feels like
That's kind of over
You know
But is there ever a version
That whoever takes that spot
Is cool
You know
Like a
Like a
Like a comic
Like a real comic
Right
Who has done stand up
For a long time
Uh huh
Who goes back to what the
You know
I think it's the late show
Not the tonight show
But what was so great
Having comics on
You know
There's sketches
For sure it could be done
You have Kyle Dunnigan
You have Shane Gillis
Doing sketches
You have Tim Dillon
Being a correspondent
You know
You have all of our
Is there ever a version
Where there's gonna be
A late night show
That works
Given what's going on
In this huge
Yes
But it would have to be
On the internet
Yes
The problem with those
Networks is
They're captured
Those people are so woke
And so confused
And they're so scared
Yeah
And if something goes bad
They get fired
And if something goes well
They don't get credit for it
It's like
If you're a host
Of a show like that
It's kind of on you
Yeah
And all those people
Like if you do something crazy
If Tim Dillon does
Megan McCain
Like telling her daddy
Ready to fuck her tits
You know
And if I'm the host
Of that show
I am 100% getting fired
And then the network executive
Who greenlit
Is probably also getting fired
Which is also crazy
Because it's like
Their whole thing
Would be
Well the sponsors
Are gonna get mad at us
And you're like
Well podcast
You have sponsors
Yeah I got a lot of sponsors
You know what I'm saying
Sponsors like you
Because of numbers
Not because of
Right
Well it's also
They have a different
Sort of sensibility
They recognize that
Like a lot of the people
That are sponsors
Are also fans
So like they actually
Enjoy the show
Like I get a lot of sponsors
That are people
That listen to the podcast
And so like
When money
A few of the times
That I've been cancelled
They'll come after the sponsors
And the sponsor's like
Fuck you
We like that show
I make this argument
About you
Whenever this comes up
Which is like
If you just listen to Joe
You'll like him
I don't know if that's necessarily true
I just mean like
Here's what's interesting to me
Is like
You know
Podcasting
This is
You know
You've been doing it
You know
The longest
I know Tom Green
And you know
There are people
Are doing
You know
But
I feel like
It is on us
As human beings now
That when you consume something
You consider the date
It was made
Yeah
When we eat something
Right before you drink milk
You're gonna look
At the expiration date
Before you drink wine
You're gonna look at the date
Like
If you're just gonna pull
A podcast that you did
At the beginning of the pandemic
And listen to it now
You changed your mind
Fifty times after that
You know what I mean
It was like
It's to not know
The context
When a three hour conversation
Was had
Like you really have to know
When something was recorded
Well
The difference between
A podcast
And almost anything else
Is that
At least the way I do it
I don't have any difference
In the way I talk to people
On the podcast
Versus the way I talk to them
In real life
Like if you know me
If you know me here
Like you and I
Have had a million
Conversations out of here
I'm the same human
And this is how I am
All the time
This is how I am
When I talk to my neighbor
Is how I am
When I talk to
If I think something's funny
I laugh
I talk
I mean I'm more
Like quiet reserved
With like older people
Or people that are more sensitive
But this is who I am
And so what I'm doing
Is having like
Public conversations
Like
While I'm thinking
In real time
Out in front of the whole world
That's not possible
On network television
They're not going to tolerate that
They're scared of it
And that's why
They push back so hard
When it becomes successful
That's why they don't know
What the fuck to do
Like they're so confused
It's because like
This thing that you're not
Supposed to do
Has become so much more successful
Than the thing that
You're supposed to do
That they do
Right
And wait a second
We conned everyone
Into believing
That you needed 200 people
To make content
Right
You know what I mean
That you were making
30 grand an episode
And we were all making millions
Yeah
You know
If we just let you
Do this
If the talented person
Makes all the money
Then we don't exist
We don't have a job
We don't exist
We don't have a job
You know
Yeah
There was always this weird
Sort of gatekeeper thing
Like very similar
To what we're talking about
With like Hollywood starlets
Where if you wanted to get
Onto a network
If you wanted to get
Onto a television show
You had to kiss the ring
You had to go to the parties
You had to support
The right political party
You had to have the same
Political ideology
As everybody else
And
That microphone is driving me crazy
It's driving me
Do me a favor
And tighten that bitch down
I've been
So like this
Look at my fingers
This thing here
Right here
Right there
Tighten that down
That thing is wobbly as fuck
Ari's balls
Yeah he probably
Is that better
Yeah
Much better
Agree
And you know
It's interesting
Because now people are like
Well this person didn't
You know
They didn't hire a wheelchair person
To play a wheelchair person
And all that
Whatever
I'm not even
Yeah
It's more like
I'm like dude
When I was auditioning
To be on TV shows
Agents would call me
And go
You're not getting this job
The head of the network
The head of the network
Doesn't want to fuck you
Really
That was
Doesn't think you have sex appeal
They really said that
Oh
All the time
It was literally
You're not pretty enough
You're too pretty
You know
You have to
Can you lose some weight
I mean
The stuff that I
Which is by the way
I didn't complain about it
At the time
I was like
Well this is business
This is how it goes
Like I never expected
Anything more
I never
You know
I was like
Yeah I'm in this shallow
Crazy business
And if this is how
Decisions are made
Like who am I
To like
Do I want the job
Or not
Wear the fucking
Push up bra bitch
Imagine like
You're in a movie
You have to audition
For a movie
And in that movie
You have to be
Like in your underwear
So you have to go
Into this office
And they're gonna ask you
To get into your underwear
Yeah
Which is just what they do
Right
They wanna know
What you look like
Right now
Yeah
It depends
Yes
It used to definitely
Be like that
How would they do it
Any differently
But now
Everyone is so scared
Of people suing them
So I did
The Foo Fighters movie
It's called
It's a horror movie
And there's a sex scene
And everyone was like
You can wear your bra
If you want
And if you wanna wear
Underwear
And I was like
Then it's not a sex scene
That would be weird
Let's not be
I'm not gonna sue you
I promise I won't sue you
Let's not be so worried
About me
That we don't actually
Make this a funny scene
You know
Cause it was
The drummer was
Having sex with me
And I get sawed in half
It's pretty amazing
What is this movie?
It's called
Studio 666
The Foo Fighters
Did a horror movie
Really?
Where Dave Grohl
Gets possessed
By a devil
And kills
The whole band
Wow
It's
It's actually
It's pretty awesome
When does it come out?
It came out
It's already out?
It was like right
We were shooting
I wonder if you can
Pull up the scene
Where I get sawed in half
There you go
There she is
Is it a good movie?
Yeah
Dude
Dude
It is so
It is so
It is so fun
To watch
It's called
Everlong
And you wrote it
About 20 years ago
Rest in peace
Taylor
How you feeling?
Everything okay?
Ever since we moved
Into this house
My mind is flooded
We all have
Writer's block
This is not just
A creepy rock and roll house
It allows
Spiritual entities
To cross into our world
Oh my god
Dude has got
One flew over
The cuckoo's nest
It's like a send up
To classic horror movies
Thanks man
Let's finish the track
Can we just wait dude?
Just play the drums
You found a new musical note?
Hell yes I did
It's an owl
Any chefs in the group?
I'm pretty handy on the grill
Yeah
You like your meat charred and dry
He does make a killer barbecue
What do we do?
We go save his ass
Do you watch his ass?
Do you watch Willow?
Fuck are you making me watch?
You wouldn't even go to Top Gun
How?
What do you mean I wouldn't go?
I couldn't go
I had a show last night
Oh that's right
That's right
With Theo
That's right
They tried to get me to go
I would have gone
I think though
I feel like
Yeah I think
I think you'd enjoy it
Yeah
I think you'd enjoy it
I must say
Like I definitely
It was the first time
I was like
Should I be on IMAX for this?
Like would that be better?
I don't even
Supposed to be
That's what everybody says
I want to see it
In a giant screen
It gave me a reverence
For the people that fly these planes
Which I had before
But it just sort of is like
The level of danger
It's just
It's unfathomable
It's unfathomable
Yeah
What they're doing
These fighter pilots
Yeah fighter pilots
You're literally fighting other people
That are also in jets
And you're shooting missiles at each other
Is that not fucking mind blowing?
It's a fucking mind blower
Did you hear about how the opening jet
In the
The opening jet
Is computer generated
And it's not real
The first one
Remember when Tom Cruise
Was trying to get
Yeah you can't go that fast
He was trying to get to 10 right
Yeah
But that China started investigating it
Because they were worried
We really had it
10 G's is the thing
Because you didn't see it
He gets in a plane
That goes 10 G's
Where does most planes go?
I think no one has
At least in
It depends on what you're doing
The maneuvers
Because like you can bank
And you'll hit like heavy G's
It's not a matter of like
Straight force acceleration
Like straight forward acceleration
But when banking
When they take heavy turns
That's when you hit big time G's
And they actually show a lot of it
In the movie
About how when you turn
Your lungs collapse
So you actually can't breathe as well
And a lot of it was like
How you have to learn how to breathe
And he's running on a treadmill
With less oxygen
I flew with the Blue Angels
Yeah
I went up in a flight
With the Blue Angels
We went 7 and a half G's
It's wild
The feeling's wild
Like I had a bit about it
In like the early days
It's like
When you are flying
And you are in a
Jet
You're going so fast
That your brain
All the blood
Is squeezing out of your brain
So you have to do this thing
Called hooking
Where you hold on to
Like a fucking
The
Whatever
The post
The joystick
And you gotta go like this
And you're forcing blood
Into your head
To try to stay awake
Jesus man
Yeah
And while I was doing this
I was doing this with the pilot
The pilot's in front
And I'm behind him
And I hear him doing it
And I'm like
Oh my god
He's fucking blacking out
So like
You're
Everything is getting like
Narrow and narrower
And you're fighting it off
By doing this hooking thing
Like
Hoot hoot hoot
Like that's what you're doing
That's wild
Dude
That shit scares me
I like scuba diving
Like I love
Like
I don't think I'm
Cut out for it
But I enjoy
The
How you're breathing
Is how you descend
You know
Like you really have to be
In control of your
It's all breathing
That's how you go
You know
And if you're doing short breaths
You know
So it's a way to kind of
Really be conscious of your breath
But I remember being like
Oh god
I just
That's a way to be in tune
With your breath
But I don't like the feeling
Of being above where humans
Are supposed to be
Or below
Yeah
The jet thing is wild
Because we weren't doing it with
We didn't have a G suit on
Like they don't use G suits
The Blue Angels don't
But I guess some pilots
They have like a type of suit
That mitigates the G forces
But the guy
The pilot that I was with
He's gone to 9 G's
He went
He can tolerate 9 G's
Which is 9 times your body weight
They're all jacked too
That's what's interesting
Like all those pilots
Are like these
I think they're all under 6 feet tall
And they're all like super stocky
Because you have to have like muscle
To like
Yeah it's like being in a race car
I had no idea that when you're racing cars
You also have to be in crazy shape
It wasn't 10 G's
It was Mach 10
It was 10 times the speed of sound
So that's why it's a little
Bit of a stretch
That makes sense
That makes sense
Now they do have jets now
That are hypersonic
But Mach 10
What is like the fastest
Hypersonic jet that they have
Because they
Have you ever seen the videos
Of when they break the sound
Six times
Mach 6
You ever seen when they break
The speed of sound
What happens
It's like it's going through clouds
It's a wild thing
It's visual
You could see
As a jet is going through
The speed of sound
Like you actually
It's like
There's a break in the air
Did
From like the sonic
Elan
Elan
See look at that
Whoa
Yeah
That's what it looks like
When a jet goes faster
Than the speed of sound
Dude that's fucking crazy
Crazy
Did Elon and Bezos
When they went up
Did they break the speed of sound
Well Bezos went up
Elon doesn't go up
Oh
Because Elon's smart enough
To just make rockets
Right right right right
Stay down
I know you love
The neural link thing
I know you
Have thought about
Quite a bit
Like would you do it
If it was available tomorrow
I think you have to do it
Once it gets implemented
Or you're in trouble
The problem is
It's like
If you
It's like not being
On the internet today
If you're not
On the internet at all
The smartest person
In the room
Well that
Heinmo
In the arctic adventure
As long as he's in
Alaska
He doesn't have to be
On the internet
He's not getting cancelled
Anytime
He doesn't have a photo
Of a Halloween costume
Floating around
But if you're
If you're living in a world
Where everyone's brain
Is connected
To this neural link
And this neural link
Has changed the amount
Of the bandwidth
Your access to information
It's completely different
Than it would be
At any other time
I know he's your friend
But like my brain
Always wants to go
To the joke version
Of neural link
And I can't help
But think that
Like he has to invent
Things to solve
His own problems
And he's like so busy
And has so many
You know
Women to have kids
With or something
That like just
He had to solve
The problem of a girl
Going
What are you thinking about
And he was like
We need to start
A company
To solve that
Right
So I never have to
Talk to
Tell anyone
What I'm thinking about
That's funny
Guy's most annoying thing
Is like
So what are you thinking about
That's funny
But I also worry
That like
I feel like
My first thought
About anything
Is awful
Like our first thought
Is going to be either
A fight or flight reaction
Some condition thing
Some you know
It's like
Your first thought
With that thing
And then my second one
Like this is gonna
It is what it is
Like
I remember I was on a plane once
And a female pilot
Walked on
And I was like
Uh oh
Like that was my first reaction
Because you don't see it a lot
I'm obviously don't
I'm not anti-female
Like obviously that's a good thing
But my brain was like
Uh oh
And then you go
Wait no
She probably had to work
Twice as hard
To get half as far
And you know
Like we're good
But my immediate reaction
Maybe it's because
I'm a comedian
Maybe it's whatever
Some internalized sexism
But like
I don't want anyone
Knowing my first thought
About anything
Like I don't want anyone
Seeing my first thought
About their baby
Before I say
Like so cute
I'm sure
That is what it is
That you're a comedian
I'm sure that's the uh oh
Oh really
Yeah
Yeah
It's like normal
Yeah
Okay
But won't it just
I'm sorry to be dumb
But won't it just be like
He's hot
He's hot
She's hot
She's hot
Like
Yeah that's gonna happen too
But that's gonna happen
With everybody
I don't think that's bad
I think we're just gonna understand
That that's how people think
But if I'm like mad at my spouse
Right
And I'm kind of like
I don't want
Like I don't want to
I'm gonna choose my battles
Whatever
And if I'm just like
Yeah good
No they're gonna know now
Yeah
I just feel like
Like we've really managed
To stay above water
As a species
With a delicate balance
Of lies and omissions
Well I think we'll have
A better understanding
Of what is really going on
In people's heads
Some people are gonna be able
To handle it
Some people aren't
And that's really
What it's gonna be like
It's gonna be
It's gonna separate
A lot of people
It's gonna give people
An understanding
Of how other people
Really truly feel about them
And you're gonna be able
To communicate
According to Elon
Without words
But I also worry
That a lot of
Our feelings
Are completely invalid
And you know
Feelings aren't facts
Whatever
Like if you just
Move through something
I think that's one
Of the biggest problems
Today
Someone has a feeling
And they say
It's a fact
I'm uncomfortable
I'm upset
Which is
Everyone needs
To get in line
It's like no
This is a feeling
You need to tolerate
The discomfort
And then take
An appropriate action
When the feeling
Has worn off
You know
So I just worry
That like
You know
I
Like when you're
In a relationship
Some days you're like
I fucking hate you dude
I fucking hate you
And then the next day
I'm like
I love you
I was just in a
Had I like
Put that on record
And made it any more permanent
Like oh that was just me
I was hungry
I was
Right
But maybe part of the problem
Is that the communication
Between two people
Is so crude
Because it's just words
And people manipulate
Those words
Try to give
An impression
Of the person
That's not
Not accurate
Yeah
You know
There's a lot going on
With human communication
That would be solved
If we read minds
There's an incredible book
That I was actually
Wrote a script with him
To do the TV show
Called super sad
True love story
It's by Gary Steingart
Dystopian satire
He's kind of like Mike Judge
He's kind of like Mike Judge
But a writer
He did Little Failure
Russian debutante's handbook
He's so brilliant
And he wrote this book
Ten years ago
About
Takes place roughly
Like 40-50 years from now
And it's about
Is it possible
To fall in love
With someone
If you already know
Everything about them
I.e.
You meet someone
You already know
Their genetic weaknesses
What they're
You know
Predisposed to get
This person is predisposed
To get cancer
And this and this
Do I really want to
Procurate with this person
If they have all these
Like you know
Genetic issues
You know their
Credit score
Which by then
Will be a social credit score
Will be like
How much do people
Just like you
And in
China has bought America
In this version
Of the dystopian satire
It's got your
Blood pressure
It's got all your
Health stats
On something called
An appar
Apparat
Is how it's pronounced
Like can you ever
Truly fall in love
With someone
If you're not able
To have a little bit
Of cognitive dissonance
You know
Right
If you know
That they have
All these predisposed
Genetic conditions
That could fuck
Your kid up
Why would you
Stay with them
Yeah
Or just sort of like
That's the kind of thing
Where tell me
In six months
When I'm already
In love with you
And then it's like
Maybe
Isn't that like
A kind of like
A eugenics
Right
Kind of
It'll sort of
Encourage eugenics
In a way
Because those people
People are not going
To want to breed
With them
Because it's going
To be all transparent
But like in
You know
In 30 years
Like when you meet
Someone
Will you be able
To google them
And look at
Every text they've
Ever sent
Or look at
Every photo
They've ever taken
And will you know
All of
See all of their
Medical records
You know
It could get to that
It could get to that
It could get to that
It probably will
I mean
What you're looking at
Right
Is all like
Bottlenecks
For information
And if
Something happens
Where they do
Create a neural link
And there's no
Bottleneck anymore
The amount of information
That's out there
Is accessible to everybody
At all times
At any time
There's nothing
Like I got to google it
It's there
Instantaneously
It's just going to
It's going to
Change the world
In as profound a way
As the internet
Changed the world
And in a weird way
Maybe the saving grace
Is also concurrently
We're having more
And more distrust
Of photos and videos
Because of all the
Deepfaking and photoshopping
So at least
You're able to be like
Oh well that's fake
Yeah
You know
At least people
Will question it
Even when it's real
You might think it's fake
But no
Because you're going
To be able to read minds
There's not going to be
Any questioning
Whether or not
Someone really thinks
Someone
Something rather
When you're
In the mind reading
Will you be able
To lie to yourself
And it come up
As what I'm actually thinking
I think you'll be able
To see if someone's
Lying to themselves
Based on
I mean Huberman
Is probably who can
Really explain
How this would all
Sort of happen
Because it just seems
You know
It seems so
So
I guess maybe
Because my brain
And our friends
Brains are so
Cluttered
Right
Right
That it's just like
So many thoughts
At once
Right
Well I think
You're going to get
To a point
Where the technology
Emerges
And then
We're going to
Be able to see
What people are thinking
And then as time
Goes on
You're going to be able
To see whether or not
Someone's thinking
Something that's valid
Or whether or not
They've thought this through
Or whether or not
They're childish
And foolish
Whether or not
They're selfish
Whether they're charlatans
Whether or not
They're con men
I mean
How many women
They're getting duped
Out of millions of dollars
By assholes
That that'll never happen
In the future
Because a woman
Will meet a guy
And she'll go
Oh that's a fake rolex
Oh you're a fucking fraud
You're a con man
Oh look at that
So con man
So con man will be gone
So that's the one thing
Like I don't know
What they're going to do
Those scammers
Online
There'll be no good
Documentaries left
Yeah
Tinder swindler
Was a very good one
Yeah those kind of people
Are going to be gone
Right
Because everyone's going
Have neural link
Or you won't have neural link
And you'll get duped
And then you'll have to get it
And then your kid's
Going to be telling you
Mom
Fucking get it
Just take it
Take the neural link
So what happens
As a parent
I'm sure there'll be an age
Where neural link is allowed
You know
But if you see something
You know
Not so salubrious
That your child is thinking
Like you know
I'm going to beat up some kid
Or like do you intervene
Like that
To know everything
Your kid is thinking
Before they're fully formed
As adults yet
Well who knows
How many conflicts
Would be resolved
Just based on two people
Being able to
Being able to understand
Exactly what the other person's thinking
Instead of
Having this
Like well hey
Fuck you
Fuck you
Yeah
Like maybe people
Will be able to
Communicate in a way
Where you can resolve
Conflicts before they ever happen
Which is honestly
To me
As I
You know
Mature as an adult
It's like
I do feel like
More and more every day
I realize that
So much is not about
What you're saying
But how you're saying it
Oh yeah
That's
That's a lot of it
And whether or not
The person you're talking to
Thinks that you're
Considering their feelings
Whether or not
You've expressed
Yourself in a way
That they know
That you care about them
Right
Or whether or not
You're just blurting things out
Because it's self-serving
And then you
You don't care about
The other person's feelings
Like when you're in a relationship
Or any kind of a friendship
And someone doesn't give a fuck
How you feel about things
That sets the tone
For all of your interactions
From then on forward
Because you're always
Going to know
This person
This is like a shallow
Kind of shitty person
Who doesn't genuinely care
Yeah
About me
Yes
You know
Those are bad relationships
Like
Snide comments
Little backhanded remarks
Like that kind of shit
Toxic
So toxic
Yeah
And it is odd
Because I guess
Maybe I'm using this
As a way to anesthetize
As we look at people's
Behavior right now
And to feel better about it
But I also think
People lie to themselves
I think denial
This is something
I want to ask
Huberman about
Like
What is denial
Because I see people
That are in denial
And I'm like
Is this ego
Is it a conscious choice
Like do you know
That you're lying to yourself
Is this a mental illness
We haven't figured out
How to you know
Wrangle
But you know
When people are just
So delusional
About the reality around them
And I'm like
I think you
The number of lies
You tell yourself
To get up in the morning
Is like
The litany of lies
You have to tell yourself
To get through the day
Really
Like denial
Like
Like what kind of lies
Like um
You know
This is where
I think I've read
The most about it
Is when a parent
When a child
Has had any kind of
Abuse within the family
And a parent knows about it
But can't deal
Like can't acknowledge
That it happened
Because it would just be too
Upset
Angering to them
And so they're just
Like in denial about it
You know
Like I feel like
We're in a little bit
Of a denial
About the catholic church thing
Because it's just
Oh yeah
People still go to church
Like
That's kind of crazy
Like the
Do you know what I'm saying
I was just in Italy
Right
And when you're in Italy
And you go to the Vatican
They send them over there
From here
Would you know that
The age of consent
Used to be 12
In the Vatican
Okay
Yeah
The Vatican's
It's own country
We just found
Who pulled that up
The other day
But whose idea
Who let us know
The trigonometry podcast
Oh yeah
Okay
I guess we had child labor
Back then
I guess kids were
Kind of thought of
As adults
Consent
Sexual consent
12
They just recently
Changed it from 12 to 18
In Vatican City
I mean it's literally
A country
Inside of a city
It's only 100 acres
And the law does not apply
Outside at all
No extradition
And it's filled with pedophiles
And in
I was trying to write a joke
About this
I never could really
It made people too
Uncomfortable or something
I think I could crack it
Maybe for the next hour
But it was
When
When a priest here
Molests a child
They just send him
Over to the Vatican
To live there
And he's protected forever
And
Like I don't
I don't want to molest a kid
But like
If I get a free trip
To Italy
Like it feels
Kind of like an incentive
They're like
If you molest one kid
You get to live in Italy forever
Well you have to live
Inside the Vatican
And never leave
Like the
Ratzinger
The last pope
He can't leave the Vatican
Like they wanted
That guy was wanted
For crimes against humanity
Make sure that's correct
There was something
About what he had done
One of the things
That Ratzinger had done
He was in charge
Of taking people
That had molested kids
And moving them
So instead of
Having them arrested
And turning them in
He moved this one guy
To a place
Where he went on
To molest
100 deaf kids
Yeah
So that was
That was the pope
You know
Can't
Yeah
And so this new pope
Francis
Is supposed to be
Like more progressive
And you know
He's like
Sort of more of a
Pope in the modern sense
Did you see
The under the banner
Of heaven
The Mormon documentary
No
I think it is
So wild
That
This is gonna get me
A dart in the neck
Or something
There's so much fear
Around the Mormon church
Like watching it
It's
Right now
These men are
Marrying 15 year old girls
And
Right now
Yeah
Tell me if I'm wrong
Allegedly
Well we gotta get to
The Ratzinger thing first
Oh good night
Sorry
But when
They have like
Friday night
Like events
Where the girls
Will be in their dresses
And they sing a song
It's called
Be sweet
They go
Be sweet
Be sweet
Just so dark
And they're 15 years old
They're literally
I mean sometimes younger
And dads like
Willingly give their kids
Like their girl
It's psychotic
Like I don't understand
Why we're not all
Just storming
Salt Lake City
And getting these girls out
It's shocking to me
That's all happening now
What'd you find out
About Ratzinger
I mean yeah
He was the first
Pope to resign
Since like
The 1400s
Yeah
Before death
Prior to 2001
The primary responsibility
For investigating
Allegations of sexual abuse
And disciplining the perpetrators
Rested with
Individual dioceses
2001
Ratzinger convinced
John Paul II
To put the congregation
For the doctrine
Of the faith
In charge of
All sexual abuse allegations
According to
John L. Allen
Ratzinger
In the following years
Acquired
Familiarity
With the contours
Of the problem
That virtually
No other figure
In the catholic church
Can claim
Driven by that encounter
With what he would
Later refer to
As filth
In the church
Ratzinger
Seems to have undergone
Something of a
Conversion experience
Throughout 2003-2004
From that point forward
He and his staff
Seemed to be driven
By a convert zeal
To clean up the mess
What does that mean?
It just goes on
To talk about
All those different issues
The problem with this
Is like you don't know
Who fucking wrote this
And you don't know
What are we doing?
Cardinal, Pope
This is Wikipedia
What are we doing?
Well they're all creeps
Why do you have names?
Like you're LARPing
Yeah
In medieval times
It's got this ancient
Sort of tradition
Connected to it
So nothing goes on
In your head
When you're putting
On that hat
You're not like
Do I still need to be
Right
Wearing this
Like what are we doing?
Dressing like a superhero
Did you have much religion
In your like growing up at all?
Yeah for like a little bit
When I was young
I went to catholic school
For first grade
I look back at that
And I'm
I'm not trying to like
Make a big statement about it
But I look back
And I'm like
Yeah I went to catholic school
When I was younger
And like
There's something weird
About realizing
That you're kind of
Part of like a
Like a sexy idea
Without knowing
Like catholic school girl
Like that's such a thing
Oh yeah
And before you even realize it
You're just like
You know we'd always
Roll our skirts up
And walk
And you're like
Oh I didn't even realize
I was probably so looked at
Like sexually
Before I even understood
What it meant
Well there was a narrative
When I was in high school
That girls that went to catholic school
Were hornier
Taking the butt
Yeah
Well really?
Well so you don't
It's not technically sex
Oh that was after my time
Oh
But uh
The glory days
Yeah during my high school time
Girls didn't shave
So the butt was like chaos
What?
They didn't trim their bush
There was madness down there
Oh right
Nobody wanted to stick it in your butt
Your butt was a mess
You know like porn changed everything
Because the
Okay I lasered everything
When I was like 24
So I'm not even sure
What it would look like
Oh
I don't have any concept
Of what now
Oh you torched it forever
Oh yeah
It doesn't grow back
I'm freezing
Um
Do you see me
I keep sliding off the chair
Porn doesn't
It doesn't grow back
I did it
At a time
When they just like
Took like a blowtorch
I mean it was like
Before the now
Scar you
It was
No
It's just
I still have a couple
Little like smithers hairs
That'll come out
Oh like when uh
Like a tree
After a forest gets burnt down
A little sprout grows up
It'll just be like
One long one
That I'll have to get
But yeah
I did like seven sessions
Over like two years
Jesus
And I remember
I was at the all ball tour once
And Sarah Silverman
I was like changing in front of her
And she was like
Jesus
Like she was just like
God damn
Like what's
And she was like
You're gonna
As you get older
You're gonna wish
You had not done that
Why was she saying that
Just as things start
To kind of
She's like
You're gonna wish that
You're gonna wish that hair
You're not gonna want that
To be bald forever
So
I don't know why
That would matter
Well just
I would imagine
Things can
I don't know
What were you just showing us
Oh okay
Utah lawmaker
Wants to raise
Legal marriage
Age to 18
Oh
What's it now
Okay
There have been
Thousands of underage
Marriages in the U.S.
Since the year 2000
And until recently
More than half of the states
Didn't set a limit
On how young
Someone could get married
If they met criteria
Like parental approval
But isn't if you're
In the Mormon church
Does it say what age it is though?
There
I think it was
The thing I had before
Maybe it was like 15
Oh god
Can you look up
Can marry as 15
With parents in the court
And then 16 to 17 year olds
So that's the thing
Can marry with parental permission
Yeah
So under Utah law
People as young as 15
Can marry with permission
From their parents in the court
But here's the thing
Like can a 15 year old
Marry a 15 year old
Or can a 15 year old
Marry a 40 year old
They're like 60
60 years old
And they already have
Like 5 or 6 wives
These are the Mormons
That practice polygamy
I know a lot of Mormons
But these are the ones
That get in trouble
Right
Because like
You're not allowed
To have polygamy
In the United States
That's the whole reason
Why
They have those
Mormon cults in Mexico
It's called
Under the Banner of Heaven
Let's make sure
I'm getting it right
The documentary
Because I know
That was also a book
But I think
Something interesting happens
When documentaries come out
Exposing these things now
We all talk about it
And we watch it
But I sort of feel like
We think because
A documentary was made about it
It was like exposed
And like oh that was handled right
Yeah
But like I'm like
I'm still
Do you know that's where
Mitt Romney's family's from
Yes
They all moved to Mexico
So they could have
A bunch of wives
Bummer
Yeah his dad was born in Mexico
That's why his dad
Could never be president
I think it's fine
To have many wives
As long as they're not 15
Right
You know what I'm saying
I guess
Yeah it's different
Their dads give them
To these older men
And it's like a sign
Of like you go
You move up like
Higher in the church
So Under the Banner of Heaven
Is a true crime tale
Adapted by
Milk writer
Dustin Lawrence
Lance Black
From John Krakauer's
Non-fiction tome
The miniseries series layers
On some fictional elements
To the story
And has reignited
Criticism from members
Of the church
Of Jesus Christ
And Latter-day Saints
For its portrayal
Of Mormons
As violent
And insular
Is there
Can you look up
Be sweet
Because that's the motto
That they
The song they sing
They try to
Yes
And
Be sweet
Yeah that should be it
Like a video
I would look for like a video
Of it's the girls singing
And like it's a Friday night
All the guys are watching
And that's in that documentary
Yes
And that's
Sometimes it just takes
Seeing one thing
To just be like
I can never get that
Out of my head
Why don't you look
Under videos
Look at videos
Yeah
Well it didn't seem like
This isn't going the right way
Viddy
Oh nice
Oh that is weird
This isn't going to show it
When they sing
Be sweet
I would say
Be sweet
Mormon
This seems like
It might be
Yeah try that
And look
Okay
Oh I don't remember
But it might not be called
Can you imagine
If you're like
A fucking 35 year old person
And you're realizing
That you wasted your life
In a cult
Dude
And then you're fucked
And
My wife has a friend like that
Be sweet
She was in the Mormons
Until she was in her 40s
And then she left the Mormons
And now she like
Openly admits that
She's vulnerable
To like cults
And different things
Because she just was so
Accepting of stuff
And keep sweet
I'm sorry
I got it wrong
Can you play
Oh that's the guy
That
That's the guy
Oh for God
Are they going to sing it?
Known as FLDS
It's a far offshoot
Of the Mormon church
And supports the practice
Of polygamy
The more wives
The more children you have
The higher in heaven
You'll be
When you're taught
Something from birth
From your mother
And your father
You believe them
Because they're your parents
It was for our salvation
You did whatever it took
Even if it was wrong
One day
My name was brought up
And I was to be married
I was 14
Warren Jeffs took over
This religion
And turned it into money
And power
And sex
Young girls
Were like a commodity
Owned by the church
Warren had himself
78 wives
24 of those wives
Were underage
We're going to go after
The criminals
We're going to go after
The child abusers
To stand up against
A multi-million dollar church
You're going up against
A lifetime of conditioning
And fear
He took their families away
Took their homes away
Might as well have just
Wind him up against
The wall and shot
You don't fight the priesthood
You don't fight the prophet
But it was so much bigger
Than just Warren and me
It happens to everybody
Eventually
You will come around
And see the light
We love you
I love all of you
And go what the
Sweet spirit of prayer
Keep sweet
Pray and obey
And it's on Netflix
So that's out now
June 8th
Yeah
And you're watching
The girls saying
Keep sweet
It's so wild
Yeah
Would they say
You had 71
78
24 underage
What the fuck
But it's also
It's like
There's something interesting
Like what would have to
Happen for that to stop
Like the documentary
Is not going to be enough
It's just going to be
More people know about it
And it's still just
Going to keep going on
I guess
I guess there's
Well didn't they
They arrested that one guy
He got arrested
But the people keep
Practicing the same way
But do you think
In your mind
You really believe that
Or you're like
I just want to be able
To marry young girls
Or in your mind
You're like
This is actually
What God wants
Like are they
That brainwashed
Or are they using that
To justify it
It's shocking to me
That someone
Wouldn't be more
Well it's not written
Anywhere that God
Wants that
It's not written
Anywhere that God
Wants you to have
70 something wives
So these are people
That are just using this
To justify gross shit
Well I think that just
Ultimately happens
When someone's running
A cult
Yeah
When you've got
A bunch of people
And they're living
Their lives
Based on you
Preaching at a pulpit
And the way
You're saying things
And taking all their money
And fucking their wives
Like that's a big part
Of all cults
Is sex
It's so anathema
To I think
Comedian brains
Because our thing
Is question everything
Even something
You subscribe to
You constantly should question
If you're a republican
Or democrat
You should constantly
Be questioning your own party
And the other party
It's so weird to me
To just be like
Oh yeah
This guy's in power
He must know
What he's talking about
But there's so many people
That out there
That don't want
To question things
They just want someone
To sort of carve a path
For them
And guide them
And if you think
That it's because of God
Which is like
The perfect justification
For you to follow
Some wacky stuff
Isn't it like
A drug basically
I mean
It's like
It's like
An anesthesia
It's a way
To just sort of
Go unconscious
To go offline
To be like
You know
Like I was watching
Hulu has a documentary
On this cult leader
Her name was Teal Swan
And it sort of
I've heard that name before
It's wild
It's
She started this cult
Just kind of
Not a doctor
Not a scientist
And you know
And it's the kind of thing
Where you're like
Oh if someone
Wants to be a part of this
Or doesn't see through it
Like maybe they should be here
What is her cult?
It's about
She was sexually abused
She comes from
A satanic cult
And then
She does therapy
To help you
Face your traumas
Which right now
There's a lot of
That out there
Where people are
Sort of pretending
To be these like
Trauma healers
When they have no
Medical degrees
They have no
They're just kind of
On Instagram
And they're like
You know
Write a letter
To your inner child
And don't talk to
You know
It's just sort of
People that are broken
Just kind of
Being magnetically
Attracted to someone
Who is like
A narcissist
Who's gonna promise them
Like I'm gonna fix you
But when someone tells you
That they know
How to fix you
That's always like
Super compelling to people
Like I have found the way
I found the way
Out of your problems
It's all your trauma
And this can be healed
You can be healed
Like there's not
A lot of cult leaders
That have
I mean like
Who's succeed
Like I feel like
It never ends well
Like the jig is gonna be up
Eventually
Cause you're
Cause you're also basically
Attracting a lot of
Really mentally ill people
That are gonna turn on you
At some point
It's a dangerous group of people
To have around
Yeah
They can be very loyal
But when they turn on you
They're gonna spend
Their whole life
You know
Dedicated to taking you down
Because of that vengeance
That sort of need
And this teal swan lady
Did they take her down?
The documentary filmmakers
Followed her for three years
Pretending they were like
Into her
Oh really?
Yeah
And
Very active on YouTube
Still I bet
She also did videos
After each episode aired
Like debunking
The videos
But it makes her
Look terrible
It makes her look
The documentary
Makes her look terrible
Yeah
It makes her look terrible
I mean terrible
I feel like someone
From this organization
May have reached out
No you're in the
She does
I think your name
Does come up
My name comes up?
In the documentary
Someone says
Oh you should do
Joe Rogan
And she's like
Yeah I'd love to
I'm sure
But it's tricky
With the cult thing
Because I think
So what is
What is she doing?
She's basically doing
Something that is
Not
So EMDR
Is something
That I think
You have a lot of
Friends that have done
I've done it
I think Neil Brennan
Talked about it
When he came on
Is a trauma therapy
That was developed
I think for
Vietnam war veterans
It's about
When you're traumatized
You know what it is
Look it up
But she's kind of
Trying to do the version
That's not professional
Which is that
Whatever your biggest
Trauma was
You were molested
You were raped
You were whatever
Let's go back there
And work through it
This is the only way
To heal it
And then there's
Other people at the
Retreat
Who are not doctors
Who are not trained
Anyone
Just other people
At the retreat
We're all going to
Act out the characters
In your life
Oh Jesus
So Joe
Your dad
You know
You were in a fight
One time
And it traumatized you
When you were six
Great
You're going to be
Young Joe
I'm going to be
Your dad
Lindsay
This random girl
From Tampa
Is going to be
Who's fucking nuts
Is going to be
Your mom
And
Taylor over here
This fucking
Trust fund asshole
From LA
Is going to be
Your sister
Whatever
And now
Ready go
And we're going to
Reenact the scene
And
I'm like
Joe don't
And it's like
Bad acting
It's kind of
Hilarious to watch
If you're not
This is in the documentary
Yes
This is kind of bad acting
And then
They stop the scene
Joe now you're sobbing
Because of whatever
Power of suggestion
Or whatever
You already predisposed
To sort of be weak
And you know
Or you want to
Whatever the reason
Unstable maybe
And then
The person that acted
I acted as your dad
And this person
Acted as your mom
They go like
I felt
I felt like
There was vibes
Of like
I wanted to
Like I think
I've molested you before
Did you
Oh like in another life
No like
Like I'm
I was the dad
So I thought his thoughts
And your dad
Abused you
What
I swear to god
And there's like
That is so fucking irresponsible
Like just random people
Are just improvising
In like a shitty acting class
Diagnosing your family
Oh my god
And then the person
Is like
Yeah I think maybe he did
Oh my god
And then they're like
So then they're mad
At that person
Like that person
Is your dad
People that aren't
Even professionals
Are telling
Like I think this person
There was some sexual abuse
In your family
Based on fucking what
Oh boy
You know
It's just wildly irresponsible
Because of how vulnerable
The people are
That subscribe to her
Why do you think
People are so vulnerable
To cults
Like what is it about
Like someone saying
I'm the leader
Come with me
I have the solutions
Like why
Why are people
So vulnerable to that
Well a couple
I think that
I think that church
Having grown up
With a lot of like
Religion around me
My mom's side of the family
Is from a place
Called Sherman Texas
They all worked
In the church there
And I think that church
In general
Provides a lot for people
That I think we tend
To be a little bit
Classist about
Like you know
For me growing up
It provided child care
And community
And food
And you know
It's a place to go
On Sundays
And you know
Have kids out of the house
Like it served
A lot of purposes
That now looking back
I'm like
Why was I in churches
So much as a kid
And I'm like
My parents weren't
That religious
They just needed
A place to leave me
For a couple hours
You know
Which the irony is
You go like
Catholic churches are safe
Right
For girls they are
I guess
They kind of are
For girls
Which is weird right
Yeah and I think
And I think on some level
You go like
I think smart parents
Go discipline is good
You know
Which I think
You know
So it's like
Catholic church
This is good
You know
There's a uniform
You don't have to get kids
All these clothes
There's all this confusion
About what to
You know
It just makes things
Kind of easy
Easier for parents
On some level
I think that in general
Humans are vulnerable
In both ways
Like I think about
This a lot
That humans are
And you're going to
Probably have a lot
To add to this
Which is that
We're kind of only
Superficially at the top
Of the food chain
Like we're not
We can get killed
By a bee
Some people die
From a bee
You know
Like we are so vulnerable
All the time
I mean any animal
If we lost our
Opposable thumbs
Or you know
Had a
They were let out
Of a cage
We'd be dead
I mean most
A lot of animals
Can kill us
I mean a tick
Can kill you
You know
If it's carrying
The right diseases
You know
And I think
We know that
I think subconsciously
Like we're aware
That we're on borrowed time
And that we're so much
More fragile
Than we think
And I think that
That connects to our brain
As well
And I think the idea
Of having any kind
Of protection
Even if it's false
Whether it's a cult
And we're all a family
And I think is something
That's really attractive
To people
Because it makes them
Feel like they
Have strength in numbers
Or are a part of a tribe
And have some kind of protection
Even though they're
In the belly of the beast
Of danger
The irony is that they're
I think very few people
Are actually in danger
Of other animals
I think when in terms of
Like us being
On the top of the food chain
We most certainly are
By a long shot
But if there were no weapons
But the thing is
There's a balance
And the balance is
That we're physically
Very very vulnerable
And weak
In comparison to most animals
Yeah
Like if most animals
Want to attack another animal
It takes a lot of work
Like for a lion
To bring down a water buffalo
It's a lot of work
You know
Lying to bring down us
Is like that
It's like instantaneous
We're made out of jello
We just fall apart
We're jello and twigs
Trash bags full of blood
But I think that
The uncertainty of life
Is what it's about
That's what
When a cult comes along
That's the same thing
That a religion offers you
Like certainty
Like we have the answers
Here are all the answers
I'm going to alleviate you
Of all your anxiety
Because one of the things
There's someone
I forget who I was reading this
They were saying that
One of the things
About human beings
We have anxiety
Because anxiety
Is future problem solving
Yep
So we think about things
And problems
That are going to have
In the future
Well someone comes along
And says I've got all the answers
They can alleviate you
Of that anxiety
And all you have to do
Is have this willingness
To believe
Just be in bliss
Let me take that off your plate
Let me make it
So you don't have to
Perseverate constantly
I'm very pro anxiety
I think
I'm sorry
I don't mean like
The anxiety
I mean I know so many people
Especially like younger people
Like I have anxiety
I'm like you should
You should
That's a healthy reaction
Have you seen the news
I know
There was just an article
That said how to protect yourself
From nuclear war
Like yeah
You see that New York thing
Where they're like
They made a video
About if a nuclear war
Hits New York
Like how to protect yourself
Like what
Like how much money
Are the news organizations
Hemorrhaging
That they had to just
Post that
They are in trouble
They're in real trouble
Like the Wall Street Journal
Just wrote a bullshit
Hit piece about Elon
Where you know
They said that he was
Having sex with
The Google chief's wife
Oh right right right
And he's like
First of all
It's not true
I've only seen her
Like three times
Over the last few years
And every time
It's been with a lot
Of people around
And second of all
This guy
That's supposed to be
My no longer friend
He goes
I was just hanging out
With him last night
So you guys are making shit up
Oh he posted a photo
Yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Like you guys are making things up
And also the wall street
And also the wall street journal
Didn't contact any of the people involved
Of course not
Which is fucking wild
Just that alone
This is the wall street journal
This is not
That is crazy
This is not like
You know
From some fucking tabloid website
Because we've always
I do like to play the exercise
Of everything that's happening today
Always existed
It just looked different
You know
Like we did used to have
Like the inquirer
Remember
Sure
And all those trash magazines
But they were like
My son's a werewolf
What do I do
Yes
The alien
Remember the kid with the teeth
That was born an alien
Yeah
Like I love that shit
But I
Those were fun
But like
You know
Whenever people are like
The negative comments I'm getting
The people are so disgusting
Now I'm like
I
Like
Humans have always
Participated and gotten entertainment
Out of like
Schadenfreude
Like the Roman Coliseum
People used to go to public hangings
Like
Oh yeah
For entertainment
For sure
So that Twitter is just
Kind of an extension
Like I like to play with that idea
Well what Twitter is
Is people saying things
Where you could read it
Where they've always said
Whenever someone has been successful
Or something's gone on in the news
People have always had hot takes on it
At the barbershop
At the fucking beauty salon
At the gym
People have always talked about it
But now they're talking about it
In typed form
And they're putting it out on Twitter
And it goes out in the world
Yeah
It's fascinating to
To think about that
And just like
All the fears
Like fear of robots
Like
There was also
Remember
I was reading something
About the fear of trains
Like when trains first started
People were thought
That they would get electrocuted
They'd be infertile
If they rode on a train
They had the same
Irrational technophobia
Fears with them
I mean it's obviously
A small group of people
You know
Elevators
You know
Like when new technology comes
It does feel weird
Right
Right
There's a lot of people
That are scared of airpods
Right
They're worried about the EMF signals
And maybe they're right
Yeah
Or maybe it's just gonna be like
What trains back then
They thought that if you go
More than 35 miles an hour
You fucking compress and explode
Remember in
I guess this was
I don't know
Late 90s
I mean
Cancel culture and shit
The Simpsons
Remember how big that was
Like gotta get Simpsons off the air
Tipper Gore was coming after Eminem
They were trying to get
Beavis and Butthead off the air
They were trying to get
The Simpsons off the air
Oh there was
Bart Simpson was like a very
Controversial figure I think
Back in the day
Really
Tell me if I'm wrong
God I don't remember that at all
I mean I believe you
But I don't remember it
There was like
Remember in Tipper Gore
Didn't want certain
So tame now
Isn't it wild to think about
Like we've always
As the species
Worried about the influence
Of something incendiary
Or edgy
Yeah
Contaminating our kids
Or something
Like there's always been
I remember Tipper Gore
Going after rap music
Yep
She's who
Isn't she who caused
Parental advisory
They put that on
Because of her
But Eminem was
I mean
But you imagine
Before rap was around
Like gangster rap
And then all of a sudden
It comes around
Like NWA
And Ice-T
And all that shit
And you're like
What?
You're talking about
Shooting people?
You got a song
Called Fuck the Police
But then we can do a song
That's like
Hit me with your best shot
Or
On the good ship
That's more offensive
I did
I mean this is
I love Bruce Springsteen
But I did do a joke about it
This is my special
Of like
Hey little girl
Is your dad home
Did he go and leave you
All alone
I got a bad desire
Oh
I'm on fire
Like what the fuck man
Like buddy
Like when did you sing that?
Do you remember that Rod Stewart
Um
Song it was like
You'll be a woman
Is it that one?
It was like
Spread your legs
Wide
Open
Well they all had songs
About like 16 year olds
Insane
Yeah
But the videos were wild too
Kiss had a song
Christine 16
Remember
Were you Dave Matthews person
Or no?
No
Okay
I knew that was gonna go that way
But there was that song
Um
Hike up your skirt a little more
You went to a couple
Crash into me
And I come into ya
Yeah
That would just
When you
Every now and then
You're like
Singing along to a song
You're like
Damn
That's wild
Yeah
Everybody was kung fu
But
You're like shit
The song
Send Me Try My Life
By Third Eye Blind
It's like about drug abuse
Is it?
It's such an upbeat
Poppy song
Do do do do do
But if you read the words
He's just talking about
Doing drugs
And the girl likes drugs
They should have done more drugs
To make that song cooler
I mean there was
But there's so many stories
Of that right
Where people were
Escaping reality together
Like I mean
That was Barfly
Remember that movie?
It's actually about crystal meth
Oh
Jesus Christ
Wow wow wow
Yeah that makes sense
Did those folks
Did anybody from that band die?
I don't
Third Eye Blind
Was that their only
That was their biggest
Not only
They had the one about
Suicide Jumper
Jump off that ledge
This was a
Oh get back from that ledge
My friend
Dude I mean
Remember
I remember
The first song
That like
Haunted me
Or felt like
You know
Was
Pearl Jam
Jeremy
Jeremy Spoke
And I was like
Yo this is about
A kid blowing his brains out
Yeah
Like that was like
That was really intense
Yeah
What was that song
Better Man
Can't find
God I love him so much
He was
I asked your first crush
He was definitely
My first crush
He
Tried to take on
Ticketmaster
Remember that
Recently
Yeah
They tried to take on
Ticketmaster
And it crushed
Their business
Because they were like
Why is Ticketmaster
Getting all this money
Like why are we
Paying all this money
To them
We're gonna
We're gonna
Fucking stop that
I thought the
Ticket buyer
Pays it
Well I guess
Comes out of his
But
Well I think
They were trying
To stop that
From happening
Like
They wanted a relationship
Where the fan
Pays 20 bucks
And they get the 20 bucks
Not the fan
Pays 40 bucks
And Ticketmaster
Gets 20 bucks
And they get 20 bucks
I heard Schultz
Just buy back
Their albums
What do you think
Of what he did
I love
I love it
It's interesting
I love it
I mean like
Bought his stuff back
And released it for free
Or released it
Rather
For a fee
Yeah and I think
That you know
It's
I think that we're
Kind of at a place
Where
You know
We don't
Comedians don't love change
We like doing things
The way we did it
And now
I find I've been
So resistant
To new things
And I'm now just
Like I don't wanna get
On Instagram
That's dumb
I don't wanna get
And then you are like
This isn't going away
You just have to ride
The horse in the direction
It's going
And like every
Platform might be really hot
The next year it's not
And then
Or it's gone
Remember there was like
CISO
And TBS
And Comedy Central
It's like used to like
How long was CISO
Around for
A year
Max
What was Quibi
Was that the one
They put billions into
Yep
But that honestly
Jeffrey Katzenberg's a gangster
I mean he started DreamWorks
He based it on the South Korean model
Which was already doing that
And kind of was like
Oh
They're so ahead of us
On so many things
They're consuming
Three minutes at a time
But I think that
Now it's like
Oh we just want
Three minutes of Rogan
Talking to his friend
They didn't have the content
What they didn't
I thought that was so flawed
From the beginning
Because they were trying
To hire people
To make content
I'm like
You don't know
If the content's good
Like the only way
People are tuning in
Is if it's good content
You don't know
If you have good content yet
But you're spending
All this money
And you don't have
Like
Certified content
Yeah
It's a terrible idea
You're also
I don't know
What this says about me
I will not watch
The best show on television
Because I don't want
To enter in numbers
Like as soon as
You're like
Sign up for a pass
I'm just like
Peace
Like not worth it
I'll wait till I can
Just look
It's on another
Like if I have to
Go to a new network
Right
Just to
A new platform
Yes
I have to really want it
Because that
Put in your email
And your
In a password
I'm like
Never mind
Yeah I've got like
Amazon Prime
I've got Netflix
I've got HBO Max
I've got Hulu
Showtime
I think I have that
Well I got it
For the Oliver Stone
Oh I have it
I have it
Because I got it
For the JFK thing
Yeah
Because he was coming on
To talk about that
Yeah
But that's it
I'm out
That's it
If you come up
With a new one
I'm like
At capacity
I'm at capacity
On passwords
I'm at capacity
On platforms
At the moment
You know
But it seems like
And also
It's just something new
So in terms of
Shoals
I think it's like
He was
When he did the thing
At Netflix
For that
The Christmas
Thing he did
The year in review
Like that was perfect
And then sort of
The algorithm started
Maybe not doing
What he want
And then do that
And then he might go
You know
I think we just have
To stay flexible
But if you own
Your own shit
That's the key
So this special
I just did
I financed it
So that if things
Change in two years
I can always
I'll own it
So you just did a licensing
Deal with Netflix
Yes
Interesting
So if Joe Rogan
Comedy Mothership
Dot com
Ends up being
The next comedy network
I'll be able
Like great
I can you know
Give it to Joe
I can put it on YouTube
I can put it
Whatever the big thing
Is in two years
Which
Jake Paul dot com
I don't fucking know
Wherever we're gonna have
Right
Our content in two years
I don't think
We even know
No I don't think
We know either
It's um
The censorship thing
Is the most disturbing
Right
Because you just don't want
You don't want
Your thing to be
Watered down
Just because someone
Thinks they're gonna
Make a couple extra bucks
If it is
It's the opposite
You're gonna make way more
If it's not
That's the irony
Yeah
Well they're learning
That now
But it's a slow
Process of education
They're learning that
Now through podcasts
Yeah
Yeah
There's the difference
Between like
Censored podcasts
And uncensored podcasts
In terms of reach
It's pretty crazy
Yeah
But I think that
You know
Netflix
I think that
To go like
Oh
Comedy's not doing as well
I don't think
It's because
You're not censoring things
Do you know what I mean?
No
They're making terrible choices
Well they did censor
Well they made a terrible choice
When Comedy Central
Starts sliding
Was when they went after Ari
And they killed
This is not happening
Which is one of the best shows
They had on the network
So good
Because Ari wanted to do
A Netflix special
And they said
No you have to do
A Comedy Central special
He's like
But that's not contractually true
Yeah
Like I don't have a contract
With you guys
To do that
I'm allowed to do
A Netflix special
And they said
If you do
We're gonna cancel your show
And so he was like
Fuck
Which is weird to me
Because that's
I had a show at Amazon
A couple years ago
With Lisa Kudrow
And Martin Short
And Lee Daniels
And all the actors
It was at Amazon
And they were like
If you work at Amazon
You can't do shows
At Netflix
Or if you're at Netflix
You can't do shows
At Amazon
It's like
That's like the old studio system
From the 20s
When it was like
So dumb
Warner Brothers would buy Joe Rogan
Like you'd have to pay me
Such a
Make it worth it then
But not only that
Amazon
Or rather
Netflix was paying Ari more
Of course
Like Comedy Central
Like Comedy Central
Wanted to pay him less
To do something
On Comedy Central
Because he had a show
On Comedy Central
And they wanted him
To stay on it
What else was
Nettling
Was I think the comedians
For the longest time
Had this like
We should be so lucky
Thing
Like we'll take no money
Well whatever it is
Just get any exposure
Any ticket sales
Because there were so few
Ways to get on TV
That we took such
Garbage deals
And didn't understand
Our own worth
So I remember just seeing
I think everyone had
This experience
Where all of a sudden
My Comedy Central specials
Were on Paramount Plus
And everyone's like
Oh it's a
And I'm like cool
Like I didn't even think
To say like
Did I get paid for that
Like was there
Did they sell it
To Paramount Plus
Yeah what happened
And then a special
That I had on Comedy Central
Was sold to
That I didn't own
Was sold to Netflix
It's all
Because as a comedian
You're like oh well
That'll help my ticket sales
Like how dare you complain
But then you're like
What the fuck man
This is a bad thing
To enable
Like I should
Not be cool about this
Right
Because we will work
For free
And have no concept
Of what our value is
Because people have told us
Like you're a piece of shit
For so long
Right
But now I think
Comedians are starting to realize
We have more power
Than we thought
Because we were so gaslit
To believe
Like you know
We needed all these networks
In order to make it
And we did
For a long time
You know
God dude
Like it used to be
Like how do I get on
Yeah
I remember like
Doing the George Lopez show
When he had a talk show once
And I remember I was like
Borrowing money to get there
I'm like
If I just kill on this set
Maybe I can headline penguins
You know
It's like we need it
You know
We had no power
Yeah
You know
And you'd see people
That were so fucking funny
That couldn't feed their families
How freeing is it for you now
To have a podcast though
It's pretty amazing
I don't think that
Like YouTube
I'm a little bit
You know
I know that it's
Predominantly like male
I know
I was talking to Schultz about this
And he's like
No women go on there
And they watch makeup tutorials
And shit
Like I think
There's
You know
I still get a little bit
Insecure about that
About the demographics
Or about just going like
Oh can I not get as many people
On YouTube
Or whatever
But yeah
But that might just be
My own like insecurity
I don't think you should
Think about it at all
Just do what you're doing
Yeah it's
I don't think anybody
Should ever think about
Like how do I get more people
Yeah
Just do your best thing
Do your best thing
And then try to make it better
Don't ever think like
How am I getting more people
Because then you're going
To compromise yourself
Right right
You're going to change
Who you are
In order to be more outrageous
Or more this
Or more that
And that shit becomes
Transparent to people
If they don't think
You're really you
That drives them nuts
Well I think what it is
Is I try to not
With the podcast
Be like business oriented
It's more like
When you're like
Oh you need to tag
Certain things
So you get in the algorithm
And you know
Like I'll get advice
Like that
And I'm like
I'd rather just
Not get as many numbers
And just have a good time
And be authentic
I don't want to
Overthink YouTube
By putting certain words
In the caption
That's going to make it
Pop up on the side
Like I don't want
To get into all that
Yeah fuck that
Yeah that's just not
Something I'm
Particularly good at
Or interested in
I like to just like
Put it out
And never think about it again
And it's
Then do that
With the demographics too
And all that other stuff
People say that
They're like
You have to get more of this
And this
And then you have to
Don't listen to those people
I know
Cut them off
That's toxic
You're taking
You're taking the thing
That is the most joyful
But I think it's
Made me a better comedian
It's you know
Made me more thoughtful
I think before
I did a podcast
I was so
Like you know
You work on something
For a year
Before you let anyone
See it
Everything has to be
Perfect all the time
Now you're just loose
You just have conversations
And you laugh
And talk shit
Yeah
It's a skill though
I mean
I definitely think
The first couple times
On this show
I was so trained
To like
You go on a talk show
You have seven minutes
Like you gotta get it all
You're like a manic
Like psycho
Yeah
Like laugh whore
Like
And it's just so
Uncomfortable
So it took me a second
To just settle in
And be like
Not rushing
Yeah
Desperately
To try to get a laugh
That's a weird thing
When I have people come on
And you can feel
Their nervousness
And I'm like
How do I alleviate that
How do I get them
To calm down
You know
It's tricky
It's
I think that
You know
As I do so many
Other people's podcasts
I think
You know
Doing other people's podcasts
Is a skill
That you have to learn
Oh yeah
You know
Doing births
I just did
Schultz
I just did
Are You Garbage
I just did
Legion of Skanks
Live in New York
Everyone is so different
And you can't
Go in
It's someone else's home
You don't have
The home court advantage
You're a guest
On someone else's show
They're usually
Not there
They're usually
They're I think
In situations like that
To hear
Their friends
The hosts
In combination with you
Wait isn't it interesting
Though that
That has
Completely taken over
Promotion
It used to be
You had to get on
The Tonight Show
Or you had to get on
The Kimmel Show
That's gone
They don't want
You to do that at all
If you do something
They want you to go on
All the podcasts
And they're like
We don't have the
We don't know
How to get you on there
Can you DM that
Like they can't even help you
Can't help you
You know
Yeah
And I mean
Yeah
It's like
Can you get me on
Hot Ones
That is a 100%
Changing of the guard
100%
Yeah
So this last time
You know this past week
I did like Kelly and Ryan
Or something
And you're like
Okay that's going to be on
In like veterinarians offices
In the lobby
It's going to be on
You know what I mean
At the TSA
Like you know
Like in the break room
Right
You know
Someone connected to a tube
Stuck in a bed
On their deathbed
They have to see me
Be like
I have Lyme disease
Is Ryan
Hitting on Kelly
Is that Whitney
Or Ryan
Who is that
Why is everyone so weird
Can I get more morphine
Just fucking pull the plug
Yeah
Just drown me
I can't watch
Three people forcing jokes
On a set
But yeah
I mean that's
It's really it
Where was that show filmed?
New York
So you flew into New York
Just for that
No I was doing
I did Schultz
I did Are You Garbage
What a contrast
I know
It was wild
To go back and forth
From Kelly and Ryan
To Legion of Skanks
Oh that's hilarious
Total mind fuck
I did
We Might Be Drunk
I did Bert's podcast
When I was there
You know
So yeah
That's really the way
To do it at this point
Yeah that's the only way
It's pretty wild
Yeah
And you're not even doing stand-up
Which is even crazier
Because it was also like
I'm gonna go do stand-up on Conan
I'm gonna do stand-up on
Right
Which by the way
I accidentally dressed exactly
Like Jay Leno in this special
How so?
Did you wear a jean shirt?
Yes
Did you?
I wore a jean jacket
And jeans
And I
I totally
You didn't realize it
While you were doing it?
Didn't even think about it
Why did you dress that way?
I was trying to just go
Okay classic
Never gonna go out of style
Like you know
Because people now
Like my first special
From 15 years ago
It's cut up on Instagram
And I look like a
I look like fucking Peggy Bundy
I look insane
I look insane
I look like such a crack whore
I'm like okay
I need to dress in a way
Where if someone
Watches this in 10 years
20 years
It'll still hold up
So I was like
I'll just do like a jean jacket
And jeans
And everyone's like
You know
Making fun of me
That I look like Jay Leno
Yeah
Ah you look great
Yeah it's like I mean
But you look relaxed
Yeah thank you
It looks like you doing
Like a regular set somewhere
As opposed to that one
Where your hair was down
You were like really well made up
And everything
The HBO special
Yeah you went a little hard
In the paint on that one
It was like
I'm doing the HBO special
I'm gonna get a stylist
I'm gonna like
You know
This is every comic's dream
And I
It like
I had a lot of voices
Around me
Being like
Why don't you be more feminine
Like be more of a
Play
You know
Like I just do something
Cause I'm kind of a
You know
Bull dyke
And that's how I dress
But also
I was really
You know
I stand by the material
Not special
But I was wearing like heels
I'd never worn heels
On stage before
Oh that'd be odd
It was so odd
And I'm
You know
I felt like I couldn't be
As physical as I normally am
You'd slip around right
Oh yeah
I was like worried about falling
I was like a fucking
Bambi on ice
Like a fucking idiot
And I really
Yeah I regret
I regret not just going
You know what
This is what I wear every night
I'm just going to wear
The nicer version
Of what I wear every night
You know
I think of this
You know
I do like dressing up
A little more
Cause I find this whole thing
Where comedians
Just wear their pajamas
At the win
Like can you
Can you
Would it kill you
To put on a fucking
Like
When Tony Hinchcliffe
Hans Kim
And Brian Simpson
And I
Did the MGM
Last month
We
Or this month rather
I guess it was this month
I forgot what month it is
We
All got tailored
David August suits
I saw that
Yeah
I thought you guys
Were all making fun of Lex
I'm kidding
No we decided
To get tailored suits
Like and all wear
The same suit
Did you feel weird
Performing
It feels kind of cool
Right
You know what's great about it
It was like
And Tony brought this up
He said
It was like
We had an outfit
To change into
Like we showed up
Dressed like this
Like normal clothes
And then we got there
And then we put on
Our work clothes
Like we're ready
To go to work
It's like
Yeah that's us
That's dope
I like it
Why not
Look at Brian
He's the glasses
That makes me so
He looks
Look at his feet
He doesn't even know
How to stand
Oh there we go
See I think there's
Something cool about
Being like
Yeah we're putting on
Our like war gear
It felt good
You know
It felt good
I also think people
You know
People spend a lot of money
Like they
You know
It's been a rough time
If someone's gonna come
Spend a hundred bucks
And get drinks
Like I remember
Being in Vegas
And looking out
And I was in like
A t-shirt and jeans
And because you don't want
Anyone to think
You think you're better
Than them
Or I don't want
To dress up too much
I don't want you
To think I'm
You know
And I looked down
And I saw these women
In like sequined gowns
And I was like
Oh this is your big night out
Right
And I look like
I'm on my way
To fucking rehab
This is ridiculous
Imagine if you are
This is your big night out
And someone goes on stage
With a notepad
And goes what else
What else
What else is happening
People do that in big shows
There's people that do that
In big shows
They'll go on stage
And not know
What the fuck
They're talking about
Do you think
Because I have
So much judgment
About that
Do you think though
That their fans
Are like oh this is cool
I get to kind of see them
No
No I think the fans
Want to see a show
But it's different
Between them going up
At a small club
And working out material
In that case
I think yes
Absolutely
Like I saw Christina
At the creek in the cave
And she went up
With a notebook
And she had just
Released your special
I was with you
Oh that's right
I was like
I was with this
Fucking retard
You're like
I was sitting next
To this dumb whore
Who was cackling
The whole fucking time
Oh that was hilarious
That's hilarious
But we saw her
And it was great
That was magical
It was really fun
But it was also fun
Because the audience
Was in
And the creek in the cave
Was great
Because it's a very small room
So the audience
So the audience
Was in on the fact
That she was creating
This whole new set
From scratch
And she let him know
Yep
But true pros
Know how to go
Yeah
I think that true pros
Pretend they're more unprepared
Than they actually are
In a way
You know
Like I'll go out there
And I'll have them written down
But like
Don't get it twisted
Like I
I look at the bullet points
But I know
I'm not gonna ever allow
A sloppy show
Right
Right
Right
But some people do
And that drives people nuts
People have jobs
And they're tired
It drives them nuts
And I get it
I see it from their point
One time I was at the
Ice House
In Pasadena
And there was
Like a booked show
Like there's just a bunch
Of random comics
And I went in to
You know
Watch the comic
That was going before me
And the comic
Said to the audience
Like
So where are you from sir
And he was like
Oh you know
Pensacola whatever
A guy behind him
Stood up and went
He's from Lake Tahoe
He's from Los Angeles
He's from Cleveland
Can you please
Just do some jokes
Whoa
It's crazy
Whoa
And you know
Do you have
Like those moments
In your career
That like change you forever
And you're like
Boom
If you're gonna do
Crowd work
It better be
Fucking
Right
Andrew Schultz style
Dynamite
Yeah
You better be good at it
Or you better
Do 20 minutes
Right
Then go into it
But that's also the thing
What you do
In one of those shows
Where there's 15 other people
On the show
Like if they're killing it
And they're doing stand up
And they've got bits
And tight bits
And then you know
You're up there
So where are you from sir
And they're like
Oh Jesus Christ
Yeah
What are you doing
Yeah
I really enjoyed us
Going to the creek
In the cave
That night
To see Christina
Like I hadn't gone
To watch a comic
Just as a
Right
As a
I was stunned
At how loud it was
Like we're all way funnier
Than we even know
Because we're also competing
With so much noise
I couldn't believe it
People are opening their
Fucking butterscotches
They're on their phone
Like people are just so
Distracted
There's so much going on
That you're like
Oh she's still killing
Even though people
Are having to do
Ten other things
You know
Which is what I do love
About the comedy store
It's so dark
In that OR
That you really can't do much
Else
You can only watch the show
Yeah
Well when we went to see you
That was like
The first time I'd seen
Stand up in a theater
In a long time
Where just going to see somebody
Seeing Christina
Was like one of the first times
I saw anybody in a club
But I like going to see comedy
I haven't in a long time
I hadn't done it
In a long time
But just being an audience member
It gives you a better appreciation
For what the audience
Is sitting through
And it makes you
Tighten your shit up
Completely
And also
Pace it up
In a lot of ways
And you know
I just remember
Sitting there
And being like
There's so much going on
Remember
We were like hearing
And that might just be
A comedian thing
Because we're so sensitive
To sound
But she didn't even hear it
All the things
That were driving me nuts
She didn't even hear
Right
She's way up there
And also she's got monitors
In front of her
So the loudspeakers
Right there
It's weird
Like when we're on stage
I would love
Like maybe Huberman
Will do
Like a study
Of what happens
To our brain
When you're performing
Because I find
That I get
A more acute hearing
When I'm on stage
But also get more deaf
I wonder what
If like you could put
Like sensors
On the brain
And hook it up
To like an fMRI machine
And have people
Like have your brain
Functions monitored
Because you are
You know
Where did I read
That the reason
People are so afraid
Of public speaking
Is that like
On a reptile brain
It used to be
In tribal times
If you were talking
To a crowd
What it meant
You were like
Defending yourself
Yeah you told me that
Right
Yeah
Yeah
That's really interesting
That that's why
People are afraid
To talk in front
Of large groups
Because usually
You're about to get judged
Yeah you'd have to
Basically save your ass
Or like defend yourself
Before everyone stoned you
But so
I would imagine
Your amygdala's going nuts
But also sometimes
You only see
Light
And that's it
Like what does your brain
Think you're looking at
On stage
Yeah
Yeah
Well when it's really bad
Like when you only see light
And don't see the crowd
I don't like that
I like seeing a little
Of the crowd
Yeah
You know
It's like those places
Where you're flooded
Like that's disconcerting
I know
And you're kind of like
This is
I could be anywhere
I could be in space
What am I concentrating on
Exactly
Yeah where are the people
I need to lock into
Like one person usually
But yeah
It would be interesting
To know what goes on
Because I
Or just in terms of
Comedians
Because I
I always get
I get nervous in places
But when I'm on stage
I never feel nervous
Really
Ever
Do you feel nervous
Before you go on stage
Sometimes I'll feel excited
I think one of
Yeah
The biggest challenges
We all have
Is the difference
Between nervous and excited
Right
Because they're very close
Nervous is fear
That's what people think
Is fear
Yeah
Not fear
But definitely
Amped up
I want to get it right
I think if anything
It's like
I just don't forget this
And don't forget that
And don't zone out
And stay here
Like it's just a matter
Of just good nervousness
Stay in the pocket
Yeah I think good
I think nervous is good
I think it is too
This whole fear of anxiety
I meet people
Like I have anxiety
I'm like you should
Have more anxiety
Yeah
To get more anxious
To make yourself
More interesting
Like why aren't you
Like I'm anxious
About boring this person
I'm going to go read a book
Right
Like you're anxious
About the wrong things
If you think that this
Is an interesting conversation
Like you know
So I think anxiety is good
I see it as fuel
I get excited about it
Because it's like
Oh we can like
Alchemize
I can alchemize this
Into energy
Let me give this to them
You know
And I also get excited
About what's going to work
Especially with now
This whole thing
Where everyone's like
You can't say anything
I'm excited that
There's danger in comedy again
Yeah
There's eggshells again
Yeah
I am too
You know
There's tension
Whereas I feel like
Three years ago
You couldn't shock anyone
It was like
It was a lot harder
There was sex tape
P-tape in the news
Isn't it crazy
That three years
Things changed so much
Wild
Things were changing
And then
The pandemic hit
And it just
Accelerated everything
Just poured gasoline
On all of it
Like exponentially
I was thinking
About this yesterday
Is there anything
In the thought of
Like we're saving
All this time now
Right
Like what are we doing
With all this time
We saved
So it used to be
Like you would go
To the grocery store
That would take an hour
You would go to the pharmacy
Would take an hour
You would go to
Walgreens
It would take an hour
But we don't have to
Run those errands anymore
Are we saving
What do we do
With all that time
That we've saved
What time are you saving
Just like now
We just do
Amazon instacart
Or just order
Everything on amazon
Like you're not
But you still go
To the grocery store
Right
I still go to a grocery store
But I don't have
My prescription
Gets mailed to me
I don't go
It used to be like
I need highlighters
It's going to take an hour
By the time I go to
Walgreens and get home
If you want to find out
Where that time's going
Look at your fucking screen time
I think that's what
Started happening
We now have more time
On our hands
And we have more time
To just be like
You know what
Fuck Chris Hemsworth
You know what I mean
Yeah you're just
Staring at your phone
We used to just be busier
We used to be like
I gotta go do this
I don't have time
To hate
You know
This person
That's you know
Done something
But also you didn't have
A portal to hate through
That's true
Yeah you give people
A rock
And there's a window
They're going to
Throw that rock
And you didn't always
Find people somewhere
That would corroborate
Yes
That would go
Yeah
Fuck Chris Hemsworth
It's amazing to me
That like
I'm being on
When someone agrees
With me about something
I want to know
Who they are
You know what I mean
Like am I fucked
Are the Nazis
On my side
Shit
Because when people
Yeah I got 50 likes
I'm like
It's not the quantity
Of likes
It's the quality
Right
Who's liking you
Who are these people
That like you
Don't you want to know
It's you know
It's like high-fiving
With a bunch of
Fucking homeless people
It's like
Yeah
Like don't you want to
What else do they like
Yeah
Don't you want to
Kind of know
So that's a tricky thing too
It's all these
Like faceless
Just kind of
We project that
Everyone that likes us
Are like Yale graduates
That's what we would like
That's the narcissist dream
That everybody who likes
You is amazing
And everybody who likes
Everybody else
Is an asshole
And a moron
That's if you
If you watch
Watch someone
Generalize about
The kind of people
That like someone
That they don't like
Guarantee you
That person
Has some serious
Narcissistic tendencies
It's on
It's so wild to me
Because I grew up
In a house
That was like
Yes
Definitely
Had rough spots
But my dad
Was like brilliant
And his whole thing
With me
Was I think
That he
Didn't really know
How to attune
To having a daughter
Like it was like
A little awkward
In a way
But I think
He was trying
To prepare me
For the world
And make me
Like smart enough
To deal with the adversity
That he felt like
Was coming
Because he didn't feel
Like he could arm
Me physically
You know
And he always said
He was like
The sign of an
Intelligent person
Is someone who can
Argue the other side
You don't have to
Believe it
Yeah
But if you can't
Argue it
It means your ego
Is involved
And you can't
Possibly be rational
And you can't
Possibly be intelligent
That's such good advice
That's brilliant advice
I always try to look
At other people's
Perspectives
And it's hard to do
Sometimes
Especially if that
Person doesn't like you
Or they
They don't like
What you like
Or their
Ideologically opposed
To what you like
Unless someone's like
Like you know
Molesting kids
Or whatever
There's no
You don't have to
Get into
I even though
Sometimes
Just like to go
Well hurt people
Hurt people
And if you were
If you molest
That means you were
Molested
And there's a cycle
To break
You can't even
Go that far
If you know
You need to
But yeah
He always told me
Like if you can't
Argue the other side
Then you have no idea
What the fuck you believe
You know
And that was always
Something that
So before I ever
Disagree with anyone
I'm like first
Let me defend
Their argument
And then I can
Start to figure out
What mine is
And I
Steel manning
There's a great
Podcast called
Intelligence squared
I don't know
If it's still around
But it's just debates
It's just like
Smart ass people
Debating
And then the audience
I think at the end
Like votes who's right
But it's like
It's so hard to find
Places where
You'll see people
That are
Respectfully
Disagreeing with each other
You do it
Right
Respectfully
Because there's another
Thing that really
Bothers me
Which is not about
Just disagreeing
With someone
That's fine
Even if you're wrong
I don't care
How much you disagree
With someone
To just call them
Trash
Or garbage
That's just
Disrespect
There's a disrespectful
Way of
And my dad
Also always taught me
That the way
That you're presenting
Your argument
Is so much more
Important than
What your argument is
And if you're just
Going to go
You're trash
You're dismissive
It's like
You're disrespecting
Yourself by talking
That way
Yeah
You're letting
Everybody know
That you're a fool
Yeah
And if someone
Is you know
In office
Or I just come
From a place
Where you
Even if you
Disagree with someone
And think they're
A bad person
You're fucking
Garbage
Like make an
Argument
Like what are you
Saying
What's your argument
It's just an easy
Way for people
To get out
Of being intelligent
And get out
Of like
Having to form
A rational
Debate
Having to form
A rational argument
Against whatever
That person's point
Is
Just ad hominem
Attack them
It's
It's like
It's
Yeah
Sloppiness
Really bothers me
Because
It's sloppy
It's sloppy
And it's
Yeah
And my dad
Used to always say
Like what
Like I want to go out
With my friends
Tell me
Give me three arguments
Why you should stay out
Past midnight
And I would have to
Tell him
And you can't
You can't make three arguments
You can't
So he knew
What he was doing
You know
That's where all
The good dick is
Yeah
How else am I
Going to get that
Fentanyl in my pussy
The coke dealer
Doesn't get off work
Till 11.50
Yes
Exactly
Exactly
The guy
His wife doesn't fall asleep
Till 11.30
You know
So
I gotta get out of here
Whitney
It's already five o'clock
That's wild
Sorry
I love you
Thank you
I love you too
I had no idea this one so long
Your show
Jokes
Is on Netflix
Available right now
Tell everybody
Where everything else is
It's just
On Netflix
Godspeed
And finding it
And then yeah
My podcast
Is on YouTube
Spotify
All the things
and that's it.
Look at my old tweets.
They're problematic.
Bye, everybody.