Would You Be Someone’s Toilet for a Million Bucks?

Yeah, but I think everybody has these, I don't want to hear that, I want to shut down speech, I don't like things. Right, but only- There are some people that are really consistent about it, I like to think I am. But only social media companies have the power to decide whether or not a person gets to express themselves to an unlimited amount of people like that. Well, it's interesting. And if you tell them that based on your ideology, with most people don't agree with, based on your ideology, they have said enough that something that merits you taking away their ability to express themselves, then I think you open up a real discussion, much like the Second Amendment discussion about the First Amendment, that what are we doing here? What is this and what is free speech and is this a town hall? And Jack Dorsey from Twitter believes it's a town hall. He thinks everyone should have the ability to express themselves, but that, like everything, is fucking complicated and messy. It certainly is. Nadine Strassen, who I think used to be something at the ACLU, wrote a book about speech and about how in Germany, you're not allowed to fly the swastika and they have censorship on speech and that it's not effective for any of the outcomes that it's intended for. They also make a lot of shit porn. Is that right? The Germans do? Yeah, they like that. Could you, is there anyone in the plug or? I don't think I know any names, but for whatever reason, a lot of shit porn. That's not a thing. I try to be very open-minded, but I don't, I don't understand, I'm not gonna be. You don't have to understand it. You know, I don't. But you allow people to do it, right? I would never allow people to think about, of course, yeah. That's a weird one, right? A weird, it's just. Yeah, people want shit in people's mouths and smothering themselves and shit and everything that's next to each other. My instant reaction is what went on? What's that about? Oh, hell yeah. Where's that? I want that story. I want that script. How do you get to that? That sounds very abusive and it sounds like. Oh, for sure, for sure. It's a tough thing to talk about. But no, the idea of censoring speech backfires. It's just not healthy. I think people should be generally sensitive and not assholes at the same time. But it's also this thing about someone saying something in print that you read on Twitter. It's like you can't even say anything back to them. You make that argument. You can make your own comment. But you're like fuck, this is such a shitty way to talk. Poison. Yeah, it's a shitty way to communicate. Unhelpful, yeah. I don't engage in it anymore. I'll post things up that I think are interesting. How did you evolve on it? Just decided it's not like these arguments are not, they make you riled up, they're not healthy. They're not. I told my daughter, hold on. I'm arguing with someone on Twitter, said it out loud. And I was like, oh, I'm the shittiest. That's the shittiest thing that I could be doing right now. It's also unmanageable when you get to a certain number of followers. You just can't. There's no way you can. And it's also people just like, they're fucking in their cubicle. They're just trying to get a rise out of people. They're angry, they're shit. They're bored. You can't expect that everybody's existing in the same vibration that you are. I woke up to a tweet that said, you're a pitiful person. I was like, oh, good morning. Bro, you're not. That guy's a liar. No, no, I'm not. He doesn't even know you. That's the thing. It doesn't faze me at all, but it shouldn't. It doesn't. It is fascinating that someone would write such a thing. It is, but it isn't. But I'll click on him and be like, I wonder what his deal is. Clearly he's projecting. And I'm worried about, I wonder what happened to that guy. And then you look at their picture and then you decide everything about their life. This is another reason I can't run for Congress, I think. I wanna keep doing standup and I wanna talk about things like, you ever look at a guy, like the guy I ran into the car from yesterday at LAX, I thought about how much he jerks off for a little while. I never think about that. I will sometimes look at it and be like, I bet that guy is in good for him and whatever, but that kind of, I don't know why I brought that up. I'll think about that now. Every person I meet. Well, you brought up shitting in the mouth. But the- Dude, I watched a video once with this lady. No, don't describe it. This lady was really into- She's gonna do it. The guy's shitting in her mouth and she was speaking in German and they was translating it to English. And she was talking about all of her experiences and when the first time a guy did it and what kind of diet she likes a guy to follow when he shits in her mouth. And I'm like, okay, this is not pleasant. I'm not enjoying this, but honestly. And this is like, it's kind of a dumb thing to talk about, right? But here's why it's not- Human psychology? Yeah, that's a person. That was a baby. Do you have daughters? I have daughters. Yes, you try not to fuck them up. All of a sudden this baby's 50 and she likes guys shitting in her mouth and she wears like- The bar for parenting should be somewhere around no shitting on other people. Then you know you've succeeded. And by the way- But what if you get a lot of money for it? Like Robert, what was his name? Robert Redford, indecent proposal, Demi Moore. Oh, a million dollars? I'm gonna put myself out there right now. Yeah, shit on your chest for a million bucks. Please tweet me. It's not that long. How long can a guy shit on you? I've got a number. What's your number? That's a, what is your number? Would you rather get shit on slowly every day as a clerk at Dunkin Donuts or one giant load on your chest that is like a really rough afternoon? Not even an afternoon. It's like an hour. Hit me with a giant load. And then you shower up. I think everybody says hit me with- You go to the bar, rounds on me boys. It just became a millionaire. Can I just shit on your chest? You're impending, Eric. It's like saying that it's solid. What if it was like a diarrhea to pull away? I'll do whatever you gotta do. If someone, a lot of variables. Whatever, let them shit all over you. Splatter. All that salt water. As long as you have goggles on and you get to close your mouth. There's a lot of things. Stain. When those thought experiments come up, I'm always like, you wouldn't, like you wouldn't kiss a guy? Never. Tell my dad this. For how much money? I was like, dad, a million bucks. What if you dad? He goes, no. I go, dad, that's preposterous. That's ridiculous. You got a problem. And then he goes, no, I wouldn't do it. He calls back and he goes, he tells me who, he names a guy in old Italian. He's like, I, who's a, he goes, Paul Sorvino. Okay, that's my answer. Million bucks. He'd make it out with Paul Sorvino. Everybody would. Cause what would you do with that money? You could save other people's lives. You gotta do it. Or you just buy a fur coat and start balling. Either way, it's a million bucks. Yeah. No matter what that thought experiment is. Just fly private jets until the money runs out. Just go everywhere. Party. I wouldn't either. But I will also make out with Paul Sorvino. We're living in this fantasy world. Why does everything have to be ethical and moral? Just have a good goddamn time. White fur, like snow leopard or some shit. Something exotic. When you say that, like, what do you mean? Why does everything have to be ethical and moral? Like you have your moral cup. Yeah, man. But I'm talking about making out with Paul Sorvino for a million bucks. That's free money. Oh yeah. Don't get me wrong. Oh yeah. Well, everybody should. Whoever you want, of course. Paul says, listen, you want to make it real shit and put it on your head. Please take a big meaty meatball shit. That's exactly how you imagine it would be. Right on your fucking head. Bang. The extra two. Three million bucks. You had a bad memory of making out with Paul Sorvino. I did. And put shit on your head. But at the end of the day, the guy kept his promise and now you're rich.