Raccoons Are Too Smart for Us! | Joe Rogan and Tom Papa

Butterflies, beautiful. But isn't that crazy? Orange and black. Like, we love them. Love them. You find a spider, you stomp it. You would never go to a zoo and go into the moth house. If you kill a ladybug, you're an asshole. Oh, completely. You're the type of person who kills ladybugs? Yeah. But if you don't kill Roach, I can't hang out with you. If you let a Roach run across your kitchen floor, and you're like, Sottom, Roach, Sottom, no my sky. I save all. Kill that fucking thing! You got a Roach in your kitchen, lady. Yeah, absolutely. But a ladybug has a couple dots on it. Why are we racist with bugs? Because there's such a thing as beauty. OK, that's why squirrels get a pass and rats don't. Yes. Bushy tail. Yeah, looking cute. Little style, like a fringe jacket. Imagine the tail was just because they found out if the tails grew bushy, people would stop killing them. Yeah. I mean, what's more disgusting than just a skin tail with nothing on it? Oh. You got possums. Oh. Possums tail. Possums don't even cause any problems. They're disgusting. Possum tail. You're like, ew, you little fucking wretched. Get the bat! Little hands. Get the bat! Little hands in your little reptile tail. Fuck. You little beady eyes. Disgusting. Yeah, but like, we have certain animals that we like. Like raccoons. Look, we don't like raccoons when they're eating out of your garbage. But if someone had a pet raccoon, you would think that's the dopest thing ever. We secretly want relationships with raccoons. If they would only be nicer to us. We would embrace raccoons. Raccoons don't want to have shit to do with us. They don't. I don't get it. They're smart. We're too smart for us. We're nice to them. I feel like these people are assholes. It's way too good to sleep and eat their trash. We'll just eat their garbage. Save it or eat their garbage. They put lids on it. That shit doesn't work. They've got that cool black mask. Yeah, you lift the lid. You throw it aside. You pull the bag out. They have hands. I know. They have people hands. They do have the little tiny people hands. I know. They can grab stuff. Smoke cigarettes. Hang out. Yeah, they text. They also kill chickens. Well, so do we. Do you know who's a real predator? Skunks. Skunks are predators. There's a skunk living in the back of my yard. Sprayed my dog. Oh, no. It's still there? I think so. Come on, bro. Man up. What am I going to do? Take out the skunk. Hazmat suit. He begun. Time to go to war. I got to go crawl into the thing and find him. Crawl into the thing. You go, look at this fucking hand. Look at that raccoon's hand. That shit's crazy. It's like he's flaunting. He's like, yeah, look at that. His hand is so much smaller than his face. It's crazy. Imagine if your hand was that small in relationship to the size of your head. He's adorable, though, isn't he? He is. A cute little fellow. He's like, look, look. You think I'm staying out of your garbage? No way. Look what I'm working with. Do they have opposable thumbs? Look what I'm working with. Didn't quite seem like it seems like it's a stick. No, it looks like five fingers with no thumb. Right. That's the thing they never figured out. Look at his teeth. They never figured it out. They had meetings. Dude, jazz hands. Dudes, we just need a thumb. Let me see the teeth there. Look at when he's got his mouth open. Look at that. Whoa, that would hurt. That would really hurt. That would fucking suck. Look, one of them's chipped. Yeah, from biting you in the head. Do you think if a raccoon attacked you, you could fight it off? No. Well, you could stomp it. What would you do? Would you give up? It might cut your neck. When would you decide we're going to the death? Immediately. Immediately? Yeah. You wouldn't try to talk to raccoon out of this? No. Fuck off. As soon as he makes a move, I'm ready. No. Because I've been thinking about it since childhood. Oh, look at that one. I don't want that one biting my nose. Yeah. Looks like a hyena. No. Fuck the raccoon that made that thing. I've been thinking these things are coming after us my whole life. So if he makes a move, it's on. Bro, those teeth are goddamn terrifying. Yeah. Look at those teeth. No, and they're sneaky. That's a big thing, too. And they're filled with rabies. Filled. Yeah, to the top. Like their balls are heavy with rabies. It's just oozing out of them. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. Look, two water balloons. Raccoons. Swish it around. Dromaeosenses touch. Ooh, I touch you. When hatching, raccoons rely on their hands more than their eyes. I'm going to touch you now. Studies suggest that their sensitivity to touch increases when their hands are wet, which might be why they always wash their food. Why? I just wash my hands, and now I am going to touch you when you sleep. I touch you with sensitive food. I am going to touch you and your children while you are sleeping with my five-finger hand.