Mark Normand's Bad-Ass New Orleans Trans Nanny

I grew up on a lot of shellfish and I've noticed a lot of my New York friends can't eat shellfish. Yeah, it's real common. Yeah. It's a real common element. But it's so good! Imagine not having shrimp! I know. That's kooky. I would have to kill myself. We found out in Fear Factor that if you're allergic to shellfish, you're also allergic to roaches. What?! Yeah. I grew up with both of those. There you go. Not eating rote, but we had a shitty house. We had an episode of Fear Factor where we served these people Madagascar hissing cockroaches. This guy's throat started closing up. Just seeing it? Yes. No. Just being around it? Because he ate one. Oh, he ate one? Yeah. Oh! So they have to call the EMT and I think they shoot you up with adrenaline. I think that's what he did. Wow! Yeah, we had... did you have roaches in your house as a kid? Oh, yeah. Me too. They would fly. Remember that? I don't remember too many of them flying. That might be a New Orleans thing. Might be a Louisiana thing. Yeah, that would be a... Oh, you grew up? Yeah, Cajun. You grew up in New Orleans? I grew up in the heart of New Orleans. Tremé was the name of my neighborhood. Theo Vaughn was like more sticks outside of it, but I was in the city and it was terrifying. It was a rough and tumble city when I was there. Yeah? My dad got a wild hair up his ass and bought a manche, a dilapidated mansion in a poor black neighborhood. And, you know, like no running water for a while. He turned the back half into a bed and breakfast because we ran out of money. It was a... it was a crate. We got robbed all the time because we were the white family in the neighborhood and everybody thought we had money because of our big house. So we got robbed constantly. I walked in on a couple robberies as a kid. My alarm would go off at like two in the morning. Is that like an eight-year-old? You just know there's a guy in your living room scrapping around. It was banana. I think that's why I'm so squirrely because that really fucked with me. Oh, for sure. My bike got stolen all the time from under me. I had a transvestite nanny growing up named Enus. I know this sounds crazy, but... They don't use that word anymore. What is that? Transvestite. Well, he wasn't trans. He just had women's clothing on. Right. Like Mrs. Doubtfire. Right, but like they don't... when was the last time you saw someone even refer to things that way? Well, what is it? Drag queen? I don't know what you would call it now. I mean, it's... Like either you're trans, you're transgender, or you're non-binary. What are you? He was a dude. He was a big black dude. Right. He looked like Ving Rhames, but he would wear high heels and a wig. Yeah. And he would sweep the house. So was he trans? He had a dick. Can you say trans and then it has... it's all inclusive? Transvestite and transgender? I guess. I guess. Why not, right? Yeah, but that's a big umbrella. I think they've abandoned transvestite. But it has a meaning. It's the clothing, isn't it? Yes, but... I don't know. What is... is it out? I looked... transvestism comes up on Wikipedia when I typed it. I love it. We gotta change three letters or else you're going to jail. Yeah. Transvestism. That's so funny. It's all about control. This language is all controlled. Well, it's certainly a big part of it. Compliance is a big part of what's going on. Yes. People get mad. Compliance. They want you to comply. They call it compassion. Yeah. No. Okay. Cross-dresser. Whatever. Where's the compassion for the guy who lost his gig? Sorry for getting lost in the weeds. So you had a... So I had a transgender... a transvestite nanny and he taught me everything. Like he taught me how to fight and put the seat up and like go on a date with a girl and how to do this with a car. Yeah, because my parents were always working because the house was so big they had to afford it. That's so ridiculous. It was crazy, man. We had roaches and mice and I remember we didn't have lights in the house. We had those like mechanic lamps in your room. That's how you... Really? Yeah. Like had a light in your room. Oh my God. It was a weird way to grow up, but then the back half was serene. It was like a bed and breakfast and we had traveling musicians and like Asian businessmen coming in. I tried to pitch this as a show and everybody's like, this is too dark. Nobody would take it. But the racial tension was insane and... How many times do you guys think you got robbed? I mean, you get robbed real good like six times a year. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And you guys stayed. Yeah. How about this? So Enos was like my male role model. There's a big black guy in a wig and one time I was riding home from summer camp and these three street tufts were coming up next to me, three of them like, hey, man, let us try your bike. And I was like, I'm good. I knew what they wanted. And I was like, I'm good. No, thank you. And they're like, come on. They're doing their back tire or their front tire against my back. You know that move? Starting to skid me out a little bit. So I go, all right. All right. And these kids are 17. I'm probably like 13. And they're like, all right, let me just try it. So I remember I kept my hand on the handle and he got on it and he's like, and he just brushed my hand away and just went, check it and row it off. And I was like, gah. So I ran home crying and I got there and Enos is like, what happened? I'm like, a couple of kids took my bike and it was like the fourth time. So he's like, fuck that. Get in the van. I'm like, I'm good. You know, I'm so defeated. You know, I'm so it's so emasculating. You feel like a bitch. So I was like, I'm good. He's like, get in the van. We had a big van and we're driving around the neighborhood looking for my bike. I don't want to see these guys again. I just want to let it go. And he's like, we're going to find that bike. We're driving around and we go some back streets and we see these kids on a stoop, like taking it apart, you know, because you got to camouflage it a little. So I'm like, and he's like, is that your bike? I'm like, yeah, I'm slunched down in shotgun. Like, yeah, my bike. Let's just get out of here. Fucking abort. And he goes up to these guys. He walks up to these guys and he's wearing high heels, a wig and like a V-neck. And he looks weird. It's the 90s. And he goes up to these guys and they're all going, ah, they all lose it. Because I'm like, look at this fucking fag. They're all going crazy and they're flipping out and call them names and stuff. And this guy was stone cold. And he goes, that's not your bike. And I go, what are you going to do about it? And this is like five kids with tools, you know, and he goes, I'm going to take it back. And they were like, I don't think you are or whatever. And I remember he put his hand on the middle bar of the bike just to kind of see what happened. Looked him in the eye, yanked it. And he said, that's what I thought. Threw the bike over shoulder, walked to the van, slid the door open, threw it in, closed the door. We drove home. Unbelievable. I mean, talk about a 13 year old seeing like that's like, oh, that's what a man is. That was that changed my life. Unbelievable. I never wrote it again, mind you. What if they beat him to death with wrenches? Well, then I would have stuck in the van crying. I would have learned to drive real quick. But no, I mean. Did he leave the keys? I think he did. Yeah, I think it was running. But I just because, you know, when you're a kid and you see these bully types, you're just like, I could never beat them. And then to see someone beat him was so it was mind boggling. I loved him ever since that. I mean, I loved him before, but. You still in touch with him? No, he died. He got killed in a sexual encounter. Oh, well. He was hooking up with a guy and the dog came out and the guy flipped and killed him. Yeah, he was like a burlesque dancer by night. So he got into his, you know, New Orleans is a wild devil of a lady. But yeah, he was a good egg. And I needed him growing up because I had no parents around, you know? Wow. My parents are weird. I don't know if you noticed, but I can't make eye contact. I've been doing it pretty good, but yeah, I don't know. I don't know how to connect, but that stuff was great. He was a cool dude.